The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my bare hands!

The guy from Arkansas can't stand to be outdone. "Why I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I'm still here today!"

The Texan remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy. Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home. That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away! Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. Well, dear, what exactly did he say? He said the reflector is broken. I can fix that in two minutes. What else? I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake...

Fire Engine

So, the man kindly says,"That's really a nice fire engine you have there...but I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," the boy replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

Tommy and the Priest

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is I."

"Who was the woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you... For I do not wish to sully her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says firmly, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and says, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "Well, I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

The Irishman

The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!"

"Why do you say that?" he asks innocently.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."

That's once

The farmer said, "That's once."

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

Bill Gates Humor

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was Tech Support, and kept saying "Don't worry, it'll be up any minute now..."

What do Viagra and Disney World have in common?

You have to wait 1 hour for a two minute ride.

Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman is a sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerate her and some actually join in.

One day, Ethel was speeding along a corridor when a door opened and a man stepped out, with his arm out stretched. "Stop", he said in a firm voice. "have you got a licence for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and handed him a Kit Kat Wrapper. "Ok", he said and she went on her way.

Taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her. "Have you got a valid tax disc for your vehicle, madam?"

Ethel dug into her handbag again annd pulled out a beer-coaster which she held up to him and her allowed her to carry on. Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third man stepped out in front of her. This one was completely naked and holding a sizeable erection in his hand.

"Oh no", said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

New Secretary

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

Be Careful of what you wish for ....

Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie did appear! This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as the the two men considered their circumstances.

The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!"

Day At The Races

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow.
Thanks for the lift anyhow."

"Guests Who Kill Talk Show Hosts"
- On the last Geraldo.

When his curiosity got the better of him, Hank walked up to the man at the head of the line and said, "Please excuse me for the interruption in your time of grief, but I've never seen such a funeral procession. Would you mind telling me who it's for?"

"It's for my mother-in-law," said the mourner. Tightening the leash, he looked down at the dog and said, "My Doberman killed her."

"Gee, that's terrible," said Hank. "But...hmmm...is there any way you might lend me your dog for a day or two?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed over his shoulder, and said, "Get in line."

He Shoots He Scores

"pan*da n. (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) A rare, mountain dwelling mammal of China and Tibet, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

3 Beers

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

Top Ten Things that sound dirty in law but arent:

A man and his wife are doing yard work. The husband says to his wife, "your rear end is as wide as a grill." She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill....then he goes over to his wife while she is bending working in a flower bed.....he measures her rear end and gasps, "geez, it really IS as wide as the grill."

Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "if you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little weiner, you are mistaken!

The New Priest

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
4. David slew Goliath, he did not kick his ass.
5. WE do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
7. We do not refer to the cross as the "The Big T."
8. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook."
9. The recomended Grace before meals is not "Rub-A-Dub, thanks for the grub, Yo God!"
10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
11. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
12. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
13. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information."

I said, "I can't find my socks."

She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

~Steven Wright

Three old ladies are sitting on a bus bench waiting for the next bus. As they sat there talking, a flasher came up to them and opened his coat.

The first old lay had a stroke.
The second old lady had a stroke.
The third old lady couldn't reach!

On the Bus

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

THE BABY

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"

A woman was trying to board a bus but her skirt was too tight and she could not step up.

She reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit and tried again. The skirt was still too tight. She reached behind her and lowered the zipper some more. Still she couldn't get into the bus and lowered the zipper a third time.

All of a sudden she felt two hands on her butt, which proceeded to push her up into the bus. She spun around with anger in her eyes and said indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner. "

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either."

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card/bank card readers at the checkout stands.

If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, "Strip down, face toward me."

Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?

Swearing Parrot

One day, it just got to be too much, so the man grabbed the bird by the neck, shook him really hard, and yelled:
"QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he would start swearing even more.

The guy finally got fed up and said, "OK for you" and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This only aggravated the parrot who continued to claw and scratch the cabinet while he cursed even louder than before with a stream of swearing that would make a sailor blush.

At that point the guy became so mad that he threw the parrot into the freezer! For the first few seconds the bird continued swearing, now louder, at the top of his lungs. He kicked and clawed and thrashed all about the place. Then it suddenly became VERY quiet. At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think that the bird might be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he became so worried that he opened the freezer door. The bird calmly climbed on the man's out-stretched arm and said, with a slightly English accent:
"Awfully sorry, old man, about all the trouble I gave you. I say there old chum, I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded and just could not believe nor understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, good man, what exactly did the chicken do?"

CIA

They bring the first guy's wife into that room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the first man and says "Go kill your wife of five years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 1 minute later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."

They then bring the second guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the second man and says "Go kill your wife of ten years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room but comes back out 3 minutes later and says "I can't do it." The instructor replies, "Then you fail out - get out."

Finally, they bring the third guy's wife into the room and leave her there. The instructor then loads two rounds into a pistol, hands it to the third man and says "Go kill your wife of fifteen years." The trainee takes the weapon, goes into the next room where there is silence for 1 minute. Suddenly, there are two gunshot sounds followed by a huge commotion in the room. The third man came out finally, sweating profusely, and says, "Good job, asshole! You gave me blanks - I had to choke the bitch!"

Pinnochio

Pinnochio was receiving complaints from his girlfriend about consummating their passions. "Every time we make love", she said " I get splinters". So he went back to his maker, Gipetto, the carpenter, to ask his advice.

"Sandpaper, my boy, that's what you need" was the carpenter's response.

A couple of weeks later the carpenter met Pinnochio. "How are you getting on with the girls now?" he asked

"Who needs girls?" replied Pinnochio.

For decades, two statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

The male statue turned to the female statue and said, "Do you want to do it again?"

Grinning even more widely the female statue said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on its head."

A magician had settled into a comfortable gig on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot, who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying things like, "Big deal, the card's up his sleeve," or "He put the ball in a hidden floor, the faker!" One night the ship began to sink. Confusion reigned, and the magician was barely able to hop into a tiny lifeboat with his beloved parrot. For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the tiny craft staring at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day the parrot blurted out, "OK, I give up! Where'd you put the #&*@ boat?!"

"My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."

"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "He always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."

The third woman paused. "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early.

Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

The Physical

This old man went to the doctor for a physical exam. When the doc was thru the old man said "What about my sperm count"? "Sperm count", said the doc! "You're 85 years old". The old man said, "I paid for a complete physical and I want it". So the doctor gave him a little bottle and told him to go home and do his thing in the bottle and return it.

2 weeks later the old guy came back in holding an empty bottle! What happened said the doctor? The old man said " I tried it with my left hand, I tried it with my right hand and I even got my wife to take out her teeth. And I still can't get the top off this damn bottle.

THE REMEDY

The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast. The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast.

When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father."

The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow."

So the rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi.

He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.

It's the pig and the cow...

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication!