Feeling Old?

Old Age

First you forget names, then you forget faces,
then you forget to pull your zipper up,
then you forget to pull your zipper down.

~Leo Rosenberg~

Baby Boomers - Then and Now

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President"
Now: The making of the President

Then: "Going blind"
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: President Johnson
Now: The President's johnson

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing a pot

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Whatever?
Now: Depends

Then: "Off the pigs"
Now: "No bacon please, I am watching my cholesterol"

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER A KID

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead
• You can live without sex, but not without your glasses
• Your back goes out more than you do.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawn mower.
• Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws
• Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
• You sing along with the elevator music.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• Neighbors borrow your tools.
• People call at 9pm and ask, "Did I wake you?".
• You answer a question with, "because I said so!".
• You send money to PBS.
• The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
• You take a metal detector to the beach.
• You know what the word "equity" means.
• You can't remember that last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
• Your ears are hairier than your head.
• You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
• You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
• You got the cable for the weather channel.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Consider:

• - At age 96, playwright George Bernard Shaw broke his leg when he fell out of a tree he was trimming in his backyard.
• - Actor George Burns won his first Oscar at 80.
• - Painter Grandma Moses painted her first picture when she was past 80 years old. She completed over 1,500 paintings after that; 25 percent of those were produced when she was past 100
• - Michelangelo was 71 when he painted the Sistine Chapel.
• - Physician and humanitarian Albert Schweitzer was still performing operations in his African hospital at 89.

And though you want to last forever, You know you never will, You know you never will, And the good-bye makes the journey harder still. ~Cat Stevens~

The people who are starting college this year across the nation were born in 1982:

• They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot.
• Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
• There has only been one Pope.
• They can only really remember one president.
• They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart, and do not remember the Cold War.
• They have never feared a nuclear war.
• "The Day After" is a pill to them, not a movie.
• CCCP is just a bunch of letters. They have only known one Germany.
• They are too young to remember the Space shuttle blowing up, and Tianamin Square means nothing to them.
• They do not know who Momadar Qadafi is.
• Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
• They never had a Polio shot, and likely, do not know what it is.
  

• Bottle caps have not only always been screw off, but have always been plastic.
• They have no idea what a pull top can looks like.
• Atari pre-dates them, as do vinyl albums.
• The expression "you sound like a broken record" means nothing to them.
• They have never owned a record Player.
• They have likely never played Pac Man, and have never heard of Pong.
• Star Wars looks very fake and the special effects are pathetic.
• There have always been Red M&M's, and Blue ones are not new. What do you mean there used to be beige ones?
• They may have heard of an 8-track, but chances are they probably have never actually seen or heard one.
• The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
• As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents. Zip codes have always had a dash in them.
• They have always had an answering machine.
• Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
• They have always had cable. There have always been VCR's, but they have no idea what Beta is.
• They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
• They were born the year that Walkmen were introduced by Sony.
• They have never heard of King Cola, Burger Chef, The Globe Democrat, Pan AM or Ozark Airlines.
• The Tonight Show has always been with Jay Leno.
• They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
• They have never seen and remember a game that included the St. Louis Football Cardinals, the Baltimore Colts, the Minnesota North Stars, the Kansas City Kings, the New Orleans Jazz, The Minnesota Lakers, The Atlanta Flames, or the Denver Rockies (NHL hockey, that is)
• They do not consider the Colorado Rockies, the Florida Marlins, The Florida Panthers, The Ottawa Senators, the San Jose Sharks, or the Tampa Bay Lightning "expansion teams".
• They have never seen Larry Bird play, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a Football player. They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
• The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII or even the Civil War.
• They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
• They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
• They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
• They never heard the terms "Where's the beef?", "I'd Walk a mile for a Camel",or "de plane, de plane!".
• They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. is. The Cosby Show, The Facts of Life, Silver Spoons, The Love Boat, Miami Vice, WKRP in Cincinnati, and Taxi are shows they have likely never seen.
• The Titanic was found? I thought we always knew where it was.
• Michael Jackson has always been white.
• They cannot remember the Cardinals ever winning a World Series, or even being in one.
• Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not groups.
• McDonalds never came in Styrofoam containers.

  Do you feel old now?

  

  Remember:
  The people who don't know these things
  will be in college this year.

• You try to enter your password on the microwave.
• You now think of three espresso's as "getting wasted."
• You no longer own a real deck of cards because all your favorite card games [solitaire, spades, and hearts] are all played on your computer.
• Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.
• You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
• The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
• You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"
• Your friend's daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints; we spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy it less.

We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time; we have more degrees, but less common sense; more knowledge, but less judgement; more experts, but more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.

We spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry too quickly, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too seldom, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years.

We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbour.

We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've done larger things, but not better things; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we've split the atom, but not our prejudice; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less.

We've learned to rush, but not to wait; we have higher incomes; but lower morals; more food but less appeasement; more acquaintances, but fewer friends; more effort but less success.

We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but have less communication; we've become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the time of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men and short character; steep profits, and shallow relationships.

These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare; more leisure and less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are days of two incomes, but more divorce; of fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the show window, and nothing in the stockroom.

Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon."
Said the old man, "I do that too."
The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants."
"I do that too," laughed the old man."
Said the little boy, "I often cry."
The old man nodded, "So do I."
"But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems
grown-ups don’t pay attention to me."
And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand.
"I know what you mean," said the old man.

"In a dream you are never 80."

-Anne Sexton, American poet (1928-1974)

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man.

"That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday".

Home

Medical Funnies || Lawyer Funnies