Menopausal Poem

Forget what your mother said
"Beware of those menopausal hot flashes."
Hah! Hot flashes are a relief, a surcease from
what went on inside my head
those two, or was it three?, years
of mixed realities, fantasies.

Maybe that intense energy of my mid-40's
signaled the menopausal stop sign of 53.

The Total Solar Eclipse in July of '91 blinded
my eyes with her orange brilliance and,
for the first time,
I looked into people's eyes.
I, who was raised "Japanese", (to lower one's
eyes in small places to give others privacy),
learned a terrible lesson -
to look into another's eyes and see,
does not assure intimacy.
How could azure compel me
so intensely dark? Repel,
and finally fear my
explosive feelings?

I was told that mirrors reflect
vanity,
so I shunned them,
In my fifties I rebelled:
I looked at myself in the mirror.
I liked the reflection. Put away
my sticks minutes at a time
and even ate the core!.

But I was confused: eyes reveal feelings
that betray the external masks.
Feelings are not polite. Joy!
Feelings are not civil. Sensuality!
Feelings must be contained.
Pain.

I slipped off my masks at 31 - scared myself.
Befriended ducks and D.J.s. Began
a children's book
filled with fantasy and dreams.

Covered my face again - for 20 years of
respectability, obedience, duty . . .
but not really.

We created a girl child.
She visited me twice
before birth: once
as I lay on the gurney
waiting to be sterilized:
I hopped off and said goodbye
(how uncivilized!).
Next I saw her
cross-legged
on the white plastered ceiling
wide open eyes staring
into mine.

God's/the gods' gift: a soul
revealed opened windows
not gently.

Whacked me on the head
continually "Look at this! See
that! Listen!"

***

[I wish I had had a computer when I was going through peri-menopause.  All I'd heard about was hot flashes.  I had none.  I said to my then 16 year old daughter, "You don't know what it's like living with a teenager when you're going through menopause"  She replied, "You don't know what it's like being a teenager with a menopausal mother!"  It's hell.  Unless you seek help.   This link will educate not only women, but also your family who has to live with a Menopausal Woman. 
http://www.howdyneighbor.com/menopaus/index.html ]

IAm

©
Diana DeMille
October 10, 1998