Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

See also the full-length Philosopher's Stone musical H.M.S. Dumbledore by Caius Marcius and Harry - The Rock Opera by Steve MacDonald

Copyright 2001-2003, 2005 by Caius Marcius, except The Story Begins Copyright 2001 by Squin; If You Wanna Be a Dursley Copyright 2001 by Angela Boyko; Ticket to the Red Train Copyright 2001 by Judy Nathanson; Bittersweet Bertie's Beans Copyright 2001 by Alex; Boy Who Lived Copyright 2002 by Dante Castor; Remembralls Copyright 2002 by Flourish; Owl Post Calling Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Men in Cloaks and Knowin' Who Yeh Are Copyright 2002 by Pippin; Quirrell's Theme Copyright 2002 by Anni; Fluffy The Dog Goes To Sleep, Harry, Yer A Wizard, Mirror of Erised, Perfectly Normal Muggles, Privet Drive, P.S., The First Book, The Sorting Hat's Song and What Do You Mean? Copyright 2002-2005 by Gail Bohacek; Bring Me Down!, I Heard the News on Halloween and The Space In Here Copyright 2002, 2003 by Lilac; What Child is This? Copyright 2002 by Melody; The Holly and the Yew Tree and When the Wizards Stayed Copyright 2002 by Pip; Halloween Night Copyright 2002 by Melody and Pip; On This Starry Night Copyright 2003 by GiNnY; Big D, The Egg and I Love My Wand Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; The Granger Copyright 2003 by Diana & Jim L.; Slytherin Copyright 2003 by Tom Tuerff; Hoggy-Hogwarts Train Copyright 2003 by addictedtobass; Fellows and That Girl Hermione Copyright 2003 by Stickbook; I've Arrived and Tomorrow Never Dies Copyright 2003 by Twisted Mentat; Be a Wizard Copyright 2003 by Shay Caron; We Didn't Start The Story Copyright 2003 by Tracy Hunt; He's a Nasty Git Copyright 2003 by Kirstini; Beginnings Copyright 2003 by Embledore; I Want That Sorceror's Stone Copyright 2003 by Havertonx; Harry, You're a Wizard Copyright 2003 by Stella; Down the Un-Rabbit Hole with Malice Copyright 2003 by Constance Vigilance; Post After Post Copyright 2003 by Diana; Hammer Up the Window, My Heart's Desire and Oh, When the.... Copyright 2003-2005 by Ginger; Stuck to Quirrell Copyright 2004 by Pixieberry; Because of You, The Daily Prophet Truth, Draco, He's A Revelation, The Great Hall Owl Post, Hogwarts Holds the Key to Your Heart, Hymm for the Gryffindor Table, Playing Quidditch, The Reflection in the Mirror of Erised, The Sound of Quidditch, Studying is My Best Friend , Voldemort and his Powers and Your Wand Copyright 2004 by RJ Lupin; Albus, Don't Let This Baby Grow Up With Those Muggles, In The Hollow, Mama Tried, Petrificus and Play That Fluffy Music Copyight 2004, 2005 by Jason LeBouef; Gifted Copyright 2004 by Neri; Godric's Hollow, Little Whinging Tuesday and Magic Stick and You're Parseltongue Copyright 2004-2006 by Murasaki; I Want Out Copyright 2004 by Prankoholic; An Egg from a Stranger and Harry's Got a Scar and Pumpkin Pasties Copyright 2005, 2006 by Jill; (Winter) Holiday Copyright 2006 by LovCedricdiggory; Many Moons Ago Copyright 2006 by Phineas Nigellus Black; Boy-Who-Lived, Diagon Alley Song, Reviewing The Different Houses and Then I Screamed Copyright 2007 by Nymphadora; Privet Drive Copyright 2007 by Anton

A filk by Squin to the tune of Weird Al's The Saga Begins, a parody of Don McClean's American Pie

About eleven years ago
In a village called Godric's Hollow
Voldy made a terrible attack
We'd all been scared of the Dark Lord
But it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot deflected a zap
And saved the day

Now what happened next, well, it did thrill us
With shooting stars rejoiced Dedalus
Harry escaped with Rubeus
On a flying motorbike from Sirius

McGonagall waited on the street
Dumbledore arrived, eating sweets
They all hung out in Privet Drive
That's where they left this boy...

Oh my my this Harry Potter guy
He is famous, really famous
Since when he was just a small fry
His folks are dead, Mummy kissed him goodbye
But soon he's gonna be a Magi
Soon he's gonna be a Magi

Did you know the Dursley's slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he survived Voldy, HOORAY
Ahh, do you see him killing the Dark Lord?
Well he might be a kid but he's not a dork
Yah, Vern was mad but Harry's
off to Hogwarts anyway

Well, I knew he'd be in Gryffindor
His best friend's Ron, Hermione's a bore
She's a know-it-all, it's true
But they'll be buddies really soon

He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Neville landed on his face
Well, I knew who would get the Remembrall
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin' ...
My my this Harry Potter guy
He is famous, really famous
Since when he was just a small fry
His folks are dead, Mummy kissed him goodbye
But soon he's gonna be a Magi
Soon he's gonna be a Magi

Now we're finally marching through corridors
The Quidditch Captain we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his Seeker skills were off the scale
And he might kick some Slytherin -- butt

Now McGonagall was impressed, of course
Could he bring glory to Gryffindor?
Wood interviewed the kid
Oh, a broomstick, they permit

But with Malfoy Harry felt much hate
And Ron, he said, "Malfoy just you wait"
They were gonna duel in the Trophy Room
That's when they met Fluffy

He was singin' ...
My my this Harry Potter guy
He is famous, really famous
Since when he was just a small fry
His folks are dead, Mummy kissed him goodbye
But soon he's gonna be a Magi
Soon he's gonna be a Magi

We ran screaming back to the Common Room
'Cause Queen Hermione wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We battled with an ugly troll
Cheered at Quidditch, Harry's on a roll
And creepy Snape seems out to ruin the day

And in the end, away Norbert flied
Some points were lost and some Unicorns died.
Fred and George were jokin'
Of the Philosopher's Stone we were talkin'
And the DADA teacher I admire most (not)
Met up with Harry and now he's toast
Hazza, saved the world, but he won't boast
And Gryffindor won the cup!

And I was singin' ...
My my this Harry Potter guy
He is famous, really famous
Since when he was just a small fry
His folks are dead, Mummy kissed him goodbye
But soon he's gonna be a magi
Soon he's gonna be a Magi

We were singin'...
My my this Harry Potter guy
He is famous, really famous
Since when he was just a small fry
His folks are dead, Mummy kissed him goodbye
But soon he's gonna be a Magi
Soon he's gonna be a Magi

A filk by Tracy Hunt to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire by Billy Joel

NOTE: This filk covers PS/SS chapter by chapter

Vernon Dursley, fateful day, owls flying, baby stays
Albus sighs, Hagrid cries, Harry is so young.

Dudley's birthday, at the zoo, I think Arabella knew,
Harry went, Piers too, we meet a Parseltongue.

"Harry Hunting", Dudley's mates, post's in, Vernon waits
See's what's come, goes berserk, the Dursley's run away.

Harry's birthday, on the rock, Hagrid arrives, Vernon's shocked
Pink umbrella, Dudley's tail, Harry's on his way.

CHORUS:
We didn't start the story
It was always Rowling
Since the train's been going
We didn't start the story
No we didn't write it
But we love to read it

Leaky Cauldr'n, Barkeep Tom, Quirrill and his tur-ban
Ollivander's, Eeylops, Flourish & Blotts

Plat-form hid-den, Molly Weasley helps him
Off to school, we meet Ron, skinny but eats lots

Great Hall, Hat sings, and then sorting begins
Gryffindor, and the rest, I hope there won't be a test!

Flitwick, McGongall, Peeves, Filch, I hope that's all
Professor Snape, mouth agape, trouble in the dark hall

Chorus

Midnight Duel, trophy room, almost caught, sudden doom
"Alohomora!", run fast, Fluffy growls, haul ass!

Learning Quidditch, racing broom, Hermy's in the bathroom.
Troll got loose inside, I can't believe it --Hermy lied!

Gryffindor 'gainst Slytherin, wonder who's gonna win
Harry's broom under spell, caught the snitch as he fell!

Holidays at the school, Harry' gifts are really cool!
With the cloak, he found, Mirror shows family 'round

Chorus

Finding Flamel's proven hard, here he is on the card!
Quidditch, match again, victory, too!

Secret birth of Ridgeback, Malfoy sees the egg crack,
Charlie to the rescue. But Draco told - I knew!

Detentions, Centuars, silver blood, seeing stars.
50 points, taken anyway, what else do I have to say!

Chorus

Final exams, they're done, but where'd that egg come from?
Cloaked man, in the bar, hood up, painful scar!
Trapdoor, Devil's Snare, Wizard's Chess played with flair!
Harry's off on his own, just got to save the Stone!

Erised here once more, Quirrell's turban's on the floor
Voldy's head, eyes of red, awoke in hospital bed.
Heard the news from Dumbledore, sadly, Quirrell is no more.
Finally Gryffs win the cup! Can't wait 'til Book Two comes up!

Chorus

A filk by R.J. Lupin based on The Gospel Truth from Hercules

SCENE: The screen is filled with the cover of the book Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix. Suddenly, a voice speaks.

RITA SKEETER: (spoken)
Yes, it is a nice book, isn't it? But before you read it, you'd have to read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (the screen moves to show the cover of SS). This is where our story begins. Long ago, at Number 4 Privet drive. An ordinary boy survives a dark wizard, and gets an ugly scar as a reward. But by what measure is this boy meant to be famous? He surely disowns-

The screen moves to RUBEUS HAGRID's face in the camera

HAGRID: (spoken)
Will you listen to her? She's making the whole story sound like it's some sort of tragedy!

The screen moves back to show that HAGRID, DUMBLEDORE, and McGONAGALL are in front of Number 4 Privet Drive

DUMBLEDORE: (spoken)
Yes, Hagrid. But that's the way Rita Skeeter tells all her stories. As unfactual tragedies.

McGONGALL: (spoken)
We'll take it from here Rita. You're not even supposed to be here anyway.

RITA: (spoken) Fine, Minerva! But you haven't seen the last of me! Just you wait until Book Four!

DUMBLEDORE: (spoken) Our story actually begins a few hours ago, when the day that the Wizarding World experienced a great miracle...

(sings) Oh back a time ago
The Wizard World was down on its luck
And everywhere Death Eaters and
Voldemort ran amok

McGONAGALL:
It was a nasty place
There was a mess wherever you stepped
A place where Voldie reigned, hurtin and dying
Never slept

You go Hagrid!

HAGRID:
And then along came Harry!
He survived Voldie's curse

DUMBLEDORE and McGONAGALL:
Just got a scar

HAGRID:
Voldie came off worse

DUMBLEDORE and McGONAGALL:
Went away far

HAGRID:
And on his own Harry stopped chaos in its tracks

DUMBLEDORE:
And that's the Prophet's truth

HAGRID:
Took him on a motorbike from Sirius Black

McGONAGALL:
And that's the world's first dish
Harry tamed the globe while still in his youth
Though readers it may seem imposs'ble
That's the Prophet's truth

DUMBLEDORE:
The Wizard World's life was neat and
Smooth as sweet vermouth
Though readers it may seem imposs'ble

DUMBLEDORE, McGONAGALL, and HAGRID:
That's the Prophet's Truth

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of The Highwayman by Loreena McKennitt, based on the poem by Alfred Noyes

J.K. Rowling writes the first scene of her books in a little less conventional way, composing her imagery and characters that seem to come alive as she writes.

J.K. ROWLING (writing):
The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees.
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas.
The road was a ribbon of moonlight that shone brilliant yellow,
As Lord Voldemort came lurking,
Lurking, lurking;
Lord Voldemort came lurking, up to Godric's Hollow.

Lord Voldemort appears as she writes, moving through the night towards an unknown point.

He'd a thick black cloak at his shoulders, that swished as he walked along,
At his side there was his magic wand, thirteen inches long.
No other wand could match it; at his hand many died;
He was feared by all live wizards,
The bane of England's wizards,
He frightened every wizard, complete with blood-red eyes.

Searching for a hidden prey, he grew perturbed at their absence,
His enemies, the Potters, were alert to his intents.
He summoned by means of a Dark Mark, and who appeared promptly there,
But the Potters' good friend Peter,
A rat, their good friend Peter,
Scampering through the bushes, followed by his worm tail.

Peter appears in the story, scurrying to grovel at Lord Voldemort's feet. Voldemort speaks to him.

"A word, my minion Wormtail, I'm after the prize tonight,
But I shall be back stronger than before, wait for the flash of green light.
Yet swiftly leave this Hollow, I wish not for you to see
As I go to kill the Potters,
As I go to destroy the Potters,
As I go to murder the Potters, and fulfill the Prophecy."

Rowling moves the story along.

Peter was proud to tell him all that he needed to know.
He bore a wanted secret, but his morals were low.
He let slip from traitor's lips the hiding place of friends
And pleased his Dark Lord master
The minion pleased his master,
He pleased his evil master, and scurried off to some bad end.

There was green light in the Hollow, but Peter did not see.
Yet out of the dusky night sky, came a motorbike's loud squeal.
When the road was a ribbon of moonlight still shining all o'er,
A giant man came riding,
Riding, riding,
Dumbledore's man came riding, up to the Dursleys' door.

The final half of the first chapter begins to take shape.

He handed a boy to who stood there, Minerva and Albus,
He said he'd gotten him alive without much of a fuss.
He'd borrowed the bike from Sirius, who in loaning had been glad,
And rode Harry to the Dursleys,
His aunt and uncle, the Dursleys,
He brought him to the Dursleys, the one family he had.

They laid him down in a basket, with a note tucked safe inside,
And set him down on the doorstep, poor Hagrid nearly cried.
Minerva asked why they did this, and Albus promptly said,
"He went to kill the Potters,
He went to destroy the Potters,
But he could not murder our Harry, and fulfilled the Prophecy.

Dumbledore, taking on the voice of his author, tells what has happened as he so often does.

"They might not have heard him coming, their Voldemort enemy,
Since we took such grand precautions in light of this Prophecy.
They slept soundly in the darkness, protected by their spell of pride,
Until then on the stroke of midnight,
Quite near the stroke of midnight,
Their dreaded foe had found them, the place they chose to hide!

"Tap-tap-tap! Had they heard it? The knock on the door ringing clear?
Tap-tap-tap! At the window; did he see them sitting there?
Down the ribbon of moonlight, in darkness as he planned,
Lord Voldemort came lurking,
Lurking, lurking,
Only then they then began to worry; James took his wand in hand.

"Then broke the door in the silence; came in the Dark Lord from the night.
His wand pointed at James Potter, offed him in a flash of light!
Lily tried to run for a moment, but saving her parting breath,
She whispered a spell to her Harry,
A shielding spell for her Harry,
Her love was her spell over Harry; she saved him with her death!

"Voldemort then turned to the baby; he did not know she lied
Her hand still clutching her wand, for love having had she died.
Not 'til the spell did he realize, as the boy's head split to scar,
How Lily Potter the mother,
The filthy Mudblood mother,
Had charmed in her love in great secret, and died to protect him there.

"Still forward he leapt, this madman, shrieking his curse at her son,
But the green light shot back to meet him, and in a moment he was done.
Blood-red were his eyes in the darkened room, jet-black was his flowing cloak,
When the Dark Lord fell in the Hollow,
Met his doom in the Hollow,
When the Dark Lord lost in the Hollow; by a baby had he croaked."

J.K. Rowling continues composing her scene: McGonagall and Hagrid appeared shocked, saddened, and uplifted by this news. Dumbledore sets Harry on the doorstep, and the three disappear back into the night, leaving the baby Harry to his fate.

Rowling lifts her pencil from the page and smiles to herself, knowing there is a whole lot more to this story left.

Yet in the still of an autumn's night, I say, when the wind is in the trees,
And the moon is a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
And the road is a ribbon of moonlight that shines brilliant yellow,
Voldemort will be lurking,
Lurking, lurking,
Lord Voldemort will be lurking, to find Harry once more . . .

A filk by Pip & Melody to the tune of Silent Night

The four following filks were originally part of a TBAY Christmas post.

Silent night; Halloween night
All was calm; all was bright
Round yon corner Dark Lord peeped
In the door 'cause Peter did sneak
Of the house where the Potters hide,
So Alohomora he cried.

Silent night; Halloween night
Dark Lord framed 'gainst the light
James yelled, "Take Harry and run"
"I'll hold him off, just save our son"
A duel ensued and James fell dead
Voldemort turned to Harry's small bed.

Silent night; Halloween night
Harry's crib, Voldy's next sight
Lily stood protesting his path.
Threw herself 'tween her child and his wrath
A love charm she left on Harry
A pure gift he'll always carry.

Silent night; Halloween night
Voldy laughed at Lily's plight.
Harry alone before him now
A wand was aimed at his head and brow.
The curse words bounce and Voldy was torn
And the boy who lived was born.

The Holly and the Yew Tree (PS/SS, Chap. 1)

A filk by Pip to the tune of The Holly and the Ivy.

The Holly and the Yew Tree,
When they are both full grown,
Of all the trees that are in the wood,
The Holly bears the crown.

REFRAIN:
O, the rising of the sun,
And the coming of the Stag,
The playing of such merry Quidditch,
Sweet singing in the feasts.

The Holly bears a blossom,
As white as lily flow'r,
And Lily bore our Harry lad,
To somehow save us all.

Refrain.

The Holly bears a berry,
As red as any blood,
And Lily died for Harry lad,
Whose blood contains her good.

Refrain.

The Holly bears a prickle,
As sharp as any thorn,
And Lily knew that Harry lad,
Faced many painful morns.

Refrain.

The Holly bears a bark,
As bitter as the gall,
And Lily lost sweet Harry lad,
His life was more to her.

Refrain.

The Holly and the Yew Tree,
When they are both full grown,
Of all the trees that are in the wood,
The Holly bears the crown.

Refrain.

When the Wizards Stayed (PS/SS, Chap. 1)

A filk by Pip to the tune of While Shephards Watched

When wizards stayed indoors at night
All quaking in their boots
A flock of owls came flying round
One gave three mighty hoots.

"Fear not" said he (for they were scared
The times were troubled, mind).
Glad tidings of great joy I bring
To you and Mugglekind.

In Godric's Hollow this last night,
A child of Potter line,
Made Voldemort cash in his chips.
A scar shall be his sign.

The amazing babe you will not find,
Hagrid took him away;
The Dursley's now will have a shock,
He's on their doorstep laid."

Thus spake the owl and straight forthwith
Appeared a mighty throng
Of wizards shooting fireworks off
And singing happy songs.

"All glory to the Potter child
As wizards will have peace.
For Voldemort has cashed his chips.
Our joy will never cease."

What Child is This? (PS/SS, Chap. 1)

A filk by Melody to the tune of the carol of the same name.

What child is this who's laid to rest
On Dursley's doorstep sleeping?
Whom Petunia greets with fear and shrieks
While Vernon sits a-weeping.

REFRAIN:
This, this is Potter's child,
Whom witches guard and wizards smile:
Haste, haste to bring him safe
The boy the son of Lily.

Why lies he in such mean estate
Where Dursley barely feed him?
Good Harry must endure this fate
For all is veiled and dim.

Refrain.

So bring him letters, hope, and joy
Come Hagrid to claim him.
The boy who lived now found his place
Let wands and brooms enthrone him.

Refrain.

A filk by Lilac to the tune of I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

THE SCENE: McGONAGALL and DUMBLEDORE are conversing outside Number Four, Privet Drive, waiting for Hagrid to bring the newly orphaned Harry.

McGONAGALL:
I heard the news on Halloween,
A Godric's Hollow murder scene.
James, Lily died; the babe survived
Whom they now call The Boy Who Lived.

The wizards show such carelessness --
Dedalus Diggle has no sense!
He shooting sent the stars in Kent
To celebrate The Boy Who Lived

It would not do to out us now
That You-Know-Who has lost his pow'rs.
Some Muggles keen just might have seen
Those owl posts 'bout The Boy Who Lived.

Please tell me, Albus Dumbledore
Is You-Know...all right, Voldemort...
He's truly gone from Wizardom?
He could not kill The Boy Who Lived?

DUMBLEDORE:
Yes, it is true, both good and bad
He could not kill that little lad
The wrong has failed, the good prevailed
We owe all to The Boy Who Lived.

DUMBLEDORE thinks these next thoughts to himself

Yet Voldemort's sealed his own fate
He is not dead; he hides in wait.
You'll have this scar forever more;
He's marked you now, dear Boy Who Lived.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Penny Lane by the Beatles

On Privet Drive Mr.. Dursley prepares to go to work
He doesn't see the owl fly by his window
On the street odd folk in wizard robes
Stop and say, "Hello"

On the corner is a cat he's never seen before
He swears he see her with a map within her paws
And the weatherman says that there are shooting stars
Instead of rain---very strange

Privet Drive is in my ears and in my eyes
Disturbing Dursley's normal life
He scowls and meanwhile back

On Privet Drive Mr. Dursley is still quite upset
He'd heard a whisper mention the Potters by name
And there were owls flying around in the day
This grey Tuesday

Privet Drive is in my ears and in my eyes
Dursley assumes it''ll be alright
But meanwhile, later that night

On Privet Drive Dumbledore makes his way to Number Four
He meets 'Gonagall there waiting to talk to him
Then Hagrid comes flying in
On a motorbike---carrying the tyke

Dumbledore lays the child upon the doorstep of the Dursley house
While the wizard world celebrates the fall of Voldemort
They raise their goblets and purpose a toast
To the boy who survived---Harry's alive

Privet Drive is in my ears and in my eyes
Harry's found by Dursley's wife
She screams and meanwhile back

Privet Drive is in my ears and in my eyes
Privet Drive is in my ears and in my eyes

Privet Drive

A filk by Dante Castor to the tune of Science Fiction Double Feature from The Rocky Horror Picture Show

VERNON
I get my kicks and thrills
By simply making drills
And I'm normal all the way
I live in mortal fear
That somebody somewhere
Will find out my dark secret someday
My sister-in-law,
Whose son I never saw,
Is the strange and unusual type.

PETUNIA
And I always insist
They all just…

DUDLEY
WON'T!!

PETUNIA
…don't exist.
That Potter family just makes me gripe!

VERNON and PETUNIA
We're all normal, they're a freak show
We're above them, they are below
We don't believe in
Things like magic
They're such a worry,
It's truly tragic.
You just say "dra-a-a-at"
When related to a family who's like that!

DUMBLEDORE
I have put out these street lights
To hide ourselves from sight
And await Hagrid, who is quite late

McGONAGALL
Then it's true You-Know-Who
Has been shattered in two
And that James and Lily have met their fate?

DUMBLEDORE
Voldemort could not slay
Harry today
And Harry will need loving care.

McGONAGALL
But you can't mean here!
They're the worst sort, I fear
And little Harry won't be self-aware.
And so…

HAGRID
Here's young Harry, sweetly sleeping
Sad to leave him to Muggle keeping

DUMBLEDORE
We must be going, he'll be safe now
And good luck, Harry. You'll come back somehow.
So please forgi-i-i-ive,
Little infant, newly orphaned, Boy Who Lived
Away we give, wuh-oh-oh oh-oh
This young wizard, curse-surviving, Boy Who Lived
To them we give, wuh-oh-oh-oh-oh
This now famous, born of greatness, Boy Who Lived
So we must give, wuh-oh-oh-oh-oh
You this infant, newly orphaned, boy who lived.

A filk by Pippin to the tune of Men in Tights by Mel Brooks

THE TIME: Early November 1981, shortly after the fall of Voldemort. THE SCENE: Somewhere near Vernon Dursley's workplace

VERNON:
They're men, they're men in cloaks
They're standing on the corner looking like jokes
They're men, they're men in cloaks
These conferees a sense of unease evoke
Did I hear "Potter"?
My poor Petunia's going to have a stroke
Those men, those men in cloaks
How dare they be disturbing us normal blokes

THE WIZARDS:
We're men, (and witches too!) we're men in cloaks
Though usually we're harder to see than mokes
We're men (magical men!) we're men in cloaks
This news that we hear our terror and fear revokes
We are rejoicing, this happy, happy day our joy provokes
We're men, we're men in cloaks
We're off our guard embracing those Muggle folks!
A toast!

NOTE: According to Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, the moke is a silver green lizard with the power to shrink itself out of sight.

To the tune of The House of the Rising Sun by the Animals

THE SCENE: Privet Drive. MINERVA McGONAGALL and ALBUS DUMBLEDORE discuss the extraordinary events of Halloween Night 1981

McGONAGALL (spoken) What they're saying is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow. He went to find the Potters. The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are -- are -- that they're -- dead.

DUMBLEDORE bows his head gravely

McGONAGALL (spoken) Lily and James... I can't believe it... I didn't want to believe it...Oh, Albus..

DUMBLEDORE (music)
Within their house James and Lily died, the Dark Lord slew each one
But he's now gone, we know not how - in their house survives their son

Enter HAGRID, on a motorcycle, cradling the infant Harry in a bundle of blankets

HAGRID (majestically)
The Dark Lord cast a killing spell upon the Potters' boy
But in their house survived their son, the Dark Lord's powers destroyed

ALL
And now, the whole world of wizards celebrates our surviving son
Through a feeble child's purity the Dark Lord was undone.

McGONAGALL suddenly realizes why they are assembled on Privet Drive

McGONAGALL
Albus, you cannot leave Harry here amidst this Muggle race
These Dursleys are not fit for him, of magic they haven't a trace

DUMBLEDORE
Here at this house on Privet Drive, young Harry must be raised
He survived the Dark Lord's hate - by Dudley he won't be phased.

DUMBLEDORE gently deposits Harry on the front doorstep of 4 Privet Drive. The three regard him with a mixture of tenderness, awe and apprehension

ALL
For all time will the world of wizards celebrate our surviving son
Harry, we shall greet you again in 1991!

Exit all

Boy-Who-Lived (PS/SS, Chap. 1)

A filk by Nymphadora to the title tune from Oliver!

McGonagall and Dumbledore are waiting for Hagrid to show up with Harry, when suddenly-

McGONAGALL:
Where's he?

DUMBLEDORE:
There's he!

McGONAGALL:
Spot him!

DUMBLEDORE:
Got him!

McGONAGALL:
Sad boy,
Mad boy,
No more mum or dad boy-

HAGRID:
Wait! Before we bid this boy goodbye
May I be so curious as to ask you why?

DUMBLEDORE (spoken):
He's the boy-who-lived.

DUMBLEDORE & MCGONAGALL:
Boy-who-lived! Boy-who-lived!

DUMBLEDORE:
This is the sport who could beat Voldemort.

BOTH:
Boy-who-lived! Boy-who-lived!

DUMBLEDORE:
Now Voldemort and his plans we did thwart!
When that Dark Lord came to take Lily, James and young Harry out,
He turned on the boy and found that his plans he could simply not carry out

BOTH:
Boy-who-lived, boy-who-lived

MCGONAGALL:
Who can be blue?

DUMBLEDORE:
Voldie's finally through.

BOTH:
And it's all because of this amazing boy-who-lived!

ALL THREE:
Boy-who-lived! Boy-who-lived!

DUMBLEDORE:
This is the child who Lord Voldy reviled!

ALL THREE:
Boy-who-lived! Boy-who-lived!

DUMBLEDORE:
Voldemort's gone now and all England smiled!
There's a big, clean, Muggle house that is found on 4 Privet Drive,
And I'm sad to say that this is the place where Young Potter will soon arrive

ALL THREE:
Boy-who-lived! Boy-who-lived!

DUMBLEDORE:
We all move on
Though he might not be gone-

MCGONAGALL:
But he's gone for now, thanks to this very-

ALL THREE:
Boy-Who-Lived!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys by Waylon Jennings and Willie Nelson

McGonagall questions Dumbledore's decision in letting Harry live with the Dursleys

MCGONAGALL:
Muggles ain't easy to love and their hearts are so cold
They'd rather give you cash money than silver or gold
Big televisions and PC computers their lives they're wasting away
They won't understand him, they'll only make fun, I don't want him treated that way

Albus, don't let this baby grow up with those Muggles
Don't let him watch TV and drive them old cars
Let him learn magic at good ol' Hogwarts
Albus, don't let this baby grow up with those Muggles
They'll leave him at home, neglect till he's grown, he will have no one to love

Muggles like big fancy houses and shiny new cars
Social engagements and high fashion restaurants and bars
Those that will know him won't like him and those that know what he is sometimes will hate him
They'll know he's different, sometimes they'll abuse him, in hopes that someday he'll be right

Albus, don't let this baby grow up with those Muggles
Don't let him watch TV and drive them old cars
Let him learn magic at good ol' Hogwarts
Albus, don't let this baby grow up with those Muggles
They'll leave him at home, neglect till he's grown, he will have no one to love

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of In The Ghetto by Albus… er.. Elvis Presley

DUMBLEDORE:
As an owl flies
On a dark and evil Halloween, a poor little baby's family's
Slain in
The hollow
And then Hagrid cries

HAGRID:
Cause if there's one thing that he don't need is an uncle
That will
Treat him mean with the Muggles.

McGONAGALL:
Albus don't you understand?
The child needs a helping hand
He'll grow to be a powerful man some day.

DUMBLEDORE:
Take a look at you and me
Minerva can't you see?
We must keep him from our world until the time is right

Well the world turns…
And a skinny little boy with an ugly scar is dragged by his hair,
taken out of the car of the Muggles

And the letters come…
So the uncle brings them to a place
On a rock in the sea with rain in their face
On an island

On that night of Harry's birthday
A giant takes him in
He buys a wand, recieves an owl, he boards a train, as his uncle
scowls

And he gets a life
As the kids climb aboard the magical train
They try to find out `bout the boy who lived
In the hollow

And as the world goes by
On a cold and grey September night
Life is good for a boy who almost died…
In the hollow
And then Hagrid cried

McGONAGALL:
In the hollow
In the hollowwww
Ohhhhhhhh…..

A filk by Phineas Nigellus Black to the song of the same name from the musical Once Upon a Mattress by Mary Rodgers and Marshall Barer.

DOBBY:
Many moons ago, in a "Hollow" place,
Lived a handsome boy with an unscarred face,
And his lovely Mum and Dad.

Then one chilly night, someone at the door,
It was You-Know-Who, parents on the floor,
Now his life is oh so sad.

(refrain)
He's the Boy Who Lived, but lost everything,
Living with the Dursleys has a bittersweet sting.
You can recognize young Harry by his father's dark hair,
But a genuine hero is exceedingly rare.

On a stormy night, to 4 Privet Drive,
Giant Hagrid came, Dudley took a dive,
"You're a wizard, Harry, see."

"Hogwarts is a school, there you'll learn some spells,
Potions and magic, and where Dumby dwells,
Won't you come along with me?"

"You'll leave on the first," the giant said,
"Platform 9 and 3/4, the Express train bright red,
Your parents were quite gifted, boy, but soon you will see,
Out of all Wizard-kind, how special, too, ye be!"

Now the boy was touched, and extremely proud,
James and Lily's names never been allowed,
To be spoken 'fore that day.

But he knew quite well, money had he not,
'Til the giant spoke of the Bank Gringott,
Where his parents' fortune lay.
(Then Harry shouted quietly, "Hooray!)

He's the Boy Who Lived, but lost everything,
Living with the Dursleys has a bittersweet sting.
You can recognize young Harry by his father's dark hair,
But a genuine hero is exceedingly rare.

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Pleasant Valley Sunday by the Monkees

The local wizard group is out today,
Celebrating in the open air.
Odd as they look, odd as they seem,
The Dursleys pretend that they're not there.

Another Little Whinging Tuesday:
Yet there's some changes in the air.
The rows of houses are still all the same,
And no one seems to care.

See Petunia, she's in euphoria:
She can see in Mrs. Next Door's room,
And Mr. Dursley isn't quite as surly,
He's got a shipment of drills coming in soon.

Another Little Whinging Tuesday:
Here on 4 Privet Drive.
The mother chants about how Duddykins learned, "Shan't,"
And the boy justs screams and cries.

Petunia's only sister:
They pretend that they don't miss her,
Insisting on hiding her trace.
But before the night is done,
They'll take on her orphaned son;
They're in for a change of pace.

Another Little Whinging Tuesday:
Yet there's some changes in the air.
The rows of houses are still all the same,
And no one seems to care.

Another Little Whinging Tuesday:
Yet there's some changes in the air.
The rows of houses are still all the same,
And no one seems to care.

If You Wanna Be a Dursley (PS/SS)

A filk by Angela Boyko, to the tune of Wannabe by the Spice Girls

The scene: PETUNIA DURSELY opens her front door and discovers baby Harry on the doorstep. She screams, VERNON comes running

VERNON: Petunia, why did you scream? The neighbours must have heard you?

Music starts

PETUNIA: Vern, I'll tell you why I screamed, why I really really screamed
VERNON: So tell me why you screamed, why you really really screamed
PETUNIA: It's very very horrid, so very very horrid
VERNON: So, tell me what's so horrid, so very very horrid
PETUNIA: It's the [what?], It's the [what?], It's the [what?], It's the [what?]
It's Lily & James' baby boy, on our doorstep!

PETUNIA stares firmly at Harry as VERNON grabs the letter Dumbledore left and reads it

PETUNIA:
If you want a home here, forget about that
If you wanna get with us, we don't need a brat
Now don't go thinking, we want your kind here
Why would we ever want, your diapered rear?

VERNON: I'll tell what I read, what the letter really really said
PETUNIA: So tell me what you read, what the letter really really said
VERNON: It says that, it says that, it says that, it says that
We have to really really really really, take the boy in

VERNON:
Now how about that? It makes me mad,
Bringing up the boy, I won't be his dad
I dislike his kind, oh yes I do
Dumping that boy here like a ruddy shoe

VERNON & PETUNIA sing to Harry

If you wanna be a Dursley, get with our type
Don't be doing funny stuff, we'll hit you with a pipe
If you wanna be a Dursley, you must fit in
Or we'll be stuffing you, into the dustbin

Fast forward eight and half years. DUDLEY is bullying Harry in the living room

DUDLEY:
So here's the story from A to - uh
You wanna turn age ten, you gotta watch it, uh huh,
Mummy loves me, she hates the sight of your face
Dadsie loathes you, he thinks you're a disgrace
I'm Dudley D, I'm the prince of the house
And as for you, why yer a louse!

VERNON and PETUNIA enter, and the three Dursleys sing to Harry

Get in your cupboard, under the stairs!
Get in your cupboard, under the stairs!

To the tune of Eydie Gorme's Blame It On the Bossa Nova

NOTE: Accent on the third syllable of impriMATur (so it rhymes with Potter)

THE SCENE: The Reptile House of the Little Whinging Zoo

HARRY
I was at the zoo when she caught my eye
She raised her head to mine with a wink so sly
It was then I asked about her sign
And she said to see Brazil would be divine

Do not blame the bo' constrictor, on her glass kids pawed
It was mean to so restrict her, she should go abroad
When I told her she could tour the Amazon
The glass disappeared, the snake was gone
Do not blame on the bo' constrictor, snakes should be free

(ZOO OFFICIALS) & SPECTATORS
(Now was it the crowd?)
No, no, the bo' constrictor
(Or the glassy cage?)
No, no, the bo' constrictor
(Did it get too loud?)
We saw that boy evict her!
(She seemed enraged!)

VERNON
We were at the zoo for my son's birthday
When suddenly to our great dismay
The reptile house erupted in combat
Because my nephew with a bo' did chat

VERNON & PETUNIA
Blame it on our nephew Potter, it is always him
This all bears the imprimatur of his patronym

DUDLEY
That ol' serpent nearly swallowed me head first

HARRY
If she had, the poor thing's tummy would have burst

VERNON, PETUNIA & DUDLEY
Blame it on our nephew/cousin Potter, who sets snakes free

VERNON & (HARRY)
(Now in cupboard locked)
Set free the bo' constrictor
(Outside access blocked)
Cozy with bo' constrictor
(No dinner for me)
'Cause he frees bo' constrictors
('Cause I set snakes free!)

Exit all

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of You're Beautiful by James Blunt

The Brazilian boa constrictor Harry meets in the zoo sings an ode to his Parseltongue savior.

THE BOA CONSTRICTOR AT THE ZOO:
My life's been boring.
My life's been boring.
My life's a drag.
I met my savior
In hand-me-down rags.
He watched me in the snakehouse;
He looked lonely, too.
He was only talking to himself
But then I knew:

You're Parseltongue.
You're Parseltongue.
You're Parseltongue, you see.
I spoke to you in that crowded zoo--
And then you set me free.
I'm grateful eternally.

Then your uncle passed
Tapping on the glass
I wanted to knock his son right
On his ass
And in your anger, we lost the window--
And I thank you kindly, my dear amigo!

You're Parseltongue.
You're Parseltongue.
You're Parseltongue, you see.

I spoke to you in that crowded zoo--
And then you set me free.
I'm grateful eternally.

You're Parseltongue.
You're Parseltongue.
You're Parseltongue, you see.
Someday you might think that this is something to hide--
It's a gift you'll have for eternity.

And because you set me free,
I'm grateful eternally.

A filk by Lilac to the tune of The Space Between by the Dave Matthews Band

After the events at the Zoo, Uncle Vernon locks Harry in his cupboard under the stairs as punishment. Harry is laying on his bed, resigned to another long stay in his "bedroom".

HARRY:
He shoved me in here so quickly
There's no hope in sight for me
Feels like the walls are gonna squeeze me
Guess I'm stuck in here a while now

The space in here is really cramped,
and there are spiders climbing all over my socks

I feel they feed me lots of lies,
but they sure don't feed me food near enough

Will I get out again?

Their explanations just confuse me:
"Your parents died in a crash!"
But I recall my forehead burning, burning
and a blinding, bright green flash

They treat me like a common slug
something nasty that just can't comprehend
When I'm in here I just can't hide
and Dudley finds me to inflict more pain

Will I get out again?
Will I get out?

Weird things just happen to me,like today at the reptile building
When the snake escaped from the glass-less window to the middle of the crowded room
Uncle Vern was so mad I thought the Zoo was gonna be my tomb.

I dreamed last night of a motorbike
that was flying 'cross the dark midnight sky
I think I've had this same dream before,
But I just won't mention it out loud anymore

And relatives, thus far unknown,
I dream that they come and take me away
And I'll escape this space in here
and I know I'll be safe from pain

They'll take my hand, and we'll walk right out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is what I need here

The space between the stairs and floor
is where you'll find me sitting waiting for you.
Please come soon! Just let me know
When it's time for me to go

Harry falls asleep, and he dreams that a very large man with a bushy beard breaks him out of his cupboard, and they escape on a flying motorbike.

A filk by Embledore to the tune of Echoes by Pink Floyd

HARRY:
Overhead a motorbike
Flies through the clouds inside my dreams
And carrying a giant man
Who holds a babe within his hands
The memory of a distant time
Comes in my sleep into my mind
But when I wake the pleasant dreams are gone

And no-one sings me lullabies
And no-one soothes my anguished cries
But somewhere out there, there must be
Someone who will set me free

Strangers pass me in the street
They seem to take that chance to meet
I don't know them but they seem to know me
And letters come now everyday
They always seem to find a way
I don't know who they're from, but they're for me

And Vernon calls us to move on
We drive all day and finally
We reach the rock upon the sea
My birthday passes right by me

In the night a giant falls upon my waking eyes
Inviting and inciting me to rise
He tells me of a wonderous world
And lets me know just who I am
He offers me a chance to leave my misery

And so he takes me by the hand
And leads me to that wondrous land
And I can see just who I'll be
My life's begun, now I am free.

A filk by Diana to the tune of Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time.

Setting: HARRY is lying in bed plotting to meet the postman at the door and get his Hogwarts letter.

HARRY:
Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick,
Can't think of who…
Caught up in questions - confusion
Is something new
Flashback-green light-
Will not sleep tonight
Fistfuls of letters
Post after post-

Sometimes I picture who
Is posting to me again
They're writing to me, I can't see
What they've said
Dursley said - No! Go!-
I failed to grab
My second chance comes time----

I've not lost I will wait --- and it will find me
Post after post
I can't fail to catch just one --- I'll be waiting
Post after post

After the alarm sounds and I creep down
To the door
Watching for Dursleys --- I'm wonderin'
What's on the floor
Oh no he's sleeping at the door
The chance just passed me by

I've not lost I will wait --- and it will find me
Post after post
I can't fail to catch just one --- I will be waiting
Post after post

Dursley said --- No! Go!
I failed to grab
My second chance comes time---

I've not lost I will wait-and it will find me
Post after post
Post after post
Post after post
Post after post

To the tune of The Beatles' Ticket to Ride

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. VERNON & PETUNIA are alarmed by a persistent series of letters addressed to their nephew

VERNON
Today at my Privet pad
I choked on my toast, yeah.
A note for that Potter lad
Jus' came in the post.

I've got a letter to hide.
I've got a letter to hi-hi-hide
I've got a letter to hide
I don't know where

PETUNIA
He once stayed under the steps
We just moved him out, yeah.
This note we now intercept
Shows that they found out

BOTH
We've got some letters to hide.
We've got some letters to hi-hi-hide
We've got some letters to hide
We don't know where

DUDLEY
I don't know why they're writing this guy

HARRY
A letter addressed
A letter suppressed from me

DUDLEY
Despite my threats my folks won't comply

HARRY & DUDLEY
A letter they shred
A letter unread by me

HARRY
I think that I've got a plan
Get up with the birds, yeah.
First up to greet the postman
And scan all those words, yeah.

Ah, I want that letter to read.
I want that letter to re-re-read.
I want that letter to read.
It's my affair.

I don't know what is now underfoot
It's quite a surprise.
It has these two eyes, dear me!

On Vernon's face my shoe I just put,
He wants to stand guard
To keep these notes barred from me.

VERNON
You think that sneakin' downstairs
Will earn you some views, yeah
These notes they sent, I declare,
You'll never peruse.

Ah, I've got more letters to hide.
I've got more letters to hi-hi-hide.
I've got more letters to hide,
And am I scared!.

HARRY & DURSLEYS
Letters from nowhere....
Letters from nowhere....
Letters from nowhere....
Letters from nowhere....
Letters from nowhere....

A few seconds of silence after the fadeout, after which several dozen letters plummet out of the fireplace.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Tiptoe Through the Tulips

Uncle Vernon stayed at home again. After burning all the letters, he got out a hammer and nails and boarded up the cracks around the front and back doors so no one could go out. He hummed Tiptoe Through the Tulips as he worked, and jumped at small noises.

- PS/SS, Chap. 3

As long as we all have it in our heads anyway, let's hear Uncle Vernon's words as he sang "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"

VERNON (pounding his nail with the fruitcake Petunia gave him):
Hammer up the window! Shut the window, and we'll be post-free.
Come hammer up the window with me.
Hammer up the doorslot! Shut the mail slot. No more posts we'll see.
Come hammer up the doorslot with me.
Knee deep in posts we've been, parchment enscribed with green.
So I will hammer up the window, and the doorslot, and the chim-a-ny.
Come hammer up my dwelling with me.

To the tune of I'm Gonna Sit Right Down And Write Myself A Letter

THE SCENE: 4 Privet Drive. Enter VERNON DURSELY, with a toolbox.

VERNON
I'm gonna get right down and nail out all those letters
They're make-believe, tell my nephew.
To stop messages from owls
I'll use fair means or use foul
I won't have that fool boy wishin'
To be a magician

I'm gonna sleep (I hope) all night beside my doorway
To seize each missive that comes through
Because it's going to be an awfully poor day
If Harry joins that wizard crew

I'm gonna drive all night and then I'll rent a rowboat
And hide out on an island grim
And I will not allow Harry the chance to cast a "no" vote
I'll be making it a rule
He won't go to that Hog school
I am only doing this for him

A filk by Mariner to the tune of London Calling by the Clash

THE SCENE: VERNON DURSLEY watches with dread as an endless succession of owls delivers an endless succession of letters to #4 Privet Drive. The dread only grows when the owls start singing to an ominous punk-rock beat.

OWLS:
Owl Post calling with important news
For that unwanted nephew whom you abuse
Owl Post calling, by day and by night
Let him out of the cupboard, start treating him right
Owl Post calling, don't bother to hide
His magical heritage won't be denied
Owl Post calling, don't try to complain
Just get his ass on that big red train

VERNON
The letters keep coming, they litter the floor
Slipping through windows, sliding under the door
They make demands, but I refuse to care
That runt will stay put underneath the stairs

On further consideration, Vernon decides to board up the house and move Harry to Dudley's spare bedroom. The Owl Post, however, is not so easily put off.

OWLS
Owl Post calling, we're all gonna zoom
On that kid you've got hid in your smallest room
Owl Post calling, we're in hot pursuit
Your efforts at hiding will bear no fruit
Owl Post calling, so be afraid
We're gonna keep coming till delivery's made
Owl Post calling, we're filling the skies
With swooping wide wings and big yellowy eyes

VERNON
The owls are still coming, they're driving me mad
They frighten the neighbors, they make us look bad
An avian terror invading our lives
Magic has come to Number 4 Privet Drive

Vernon bundles his family into the car and attempts to escape, only to discover that the Owl Post will find you anywhere.

OWLS
Owl Post calling with a message of note
For that boy you've got stashed in a cabin remote
Owl Post calling, we ain't gonna stop
So you might as well give up

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Thoroughly Modern Millie from the musical of the same name

THE SCENE: The rented island cabin. Present are Harry, HAGRID & THE DURSLEYS

VERNON (hissing, to HAGRID) Haven't I told you he's not going? He's going to Stonewall High and he'll be happy for it. I've read those letters and he needs all sorts of rubbish. Spell books and wands and...

HAGRID (growling) If he wants ter go, a great Muggle like you won't stop him.....

VERNON (Intro)
We will not
Have him taught
Spells by some
Old crackpot
This magic rubbish
Spell books and magic wands
What we think about it is that it's horrible
We think it's odd, different and deplorable
the plain fact is...

VERNON and PETUNIA
Everyone knows we are perfectly normal
Thank you very very much
Everyone knows we won't tolerate
This is the reality
Not that...insanity
It's nothing but tosh
In fact...it's nonsense
To wave a wand and cast some spell
In our average life, our world is so ordered
But that boy is impossible
Any sort of magic we won't allow
Here it's not permissible
Goodbye Wizarding World
We've taken a vow
We'll stamp it out
'Coz we're perfectly normal
Muggles now

Everyone knows we are perfectly normal
Wizards are so peculiar
We both will not permit Harry to go
Not to that fool school of yours
We say it's abnormal
What you all do
You're forgetting that
We won't pay for his school
Have you seen the way they dress in those long robes?
Isn't it deplorable?
We'll beat it out of that boy somehow
Goodbye Wizarding World
We've taken a vow
We'll stamp it out
'Coz we're perfectly normal
Muggles now!

A filk by Pippin to the tune of Swinging on a Star

The Scene: The Hut on the Rock. The Time: Just past midnight, July 31, 1991, shortly after Hagrid's unexpected arrival

HARRY (spoken): I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are.

HAGRID (music):
I'm from Hogwarts Wizarding School
I'm called Hagrid there, as a rule
An' I've a bone teh pick with this fool
Who never told yeh what yeh are

At Hogwarts your parents learned each thing that they knew
Yer Dad was a wizard, so are you.
Yer mum was a witch, I'm telling you it's true
The nicest people that I ever knew
And so young man, there's letter here fer you
Because it's time yeh went ter school.

James and Lily's boy's what yeh are
An' they didn't die in a car
An' yer name is known wide and far
The Boy Who Lived is who yeh are

That scar came ter happen on a terrible night
Yer Mum and yer Dad put up a fight.
Though they, sad day, were killed by You-Know-Who
His evil curse just didn't work on you
They say that he vanished like a falling star
And you escaped with just a scar.

Everybody knows who yeh are
In our world yer famous, you are,
You'll have friends wherever you are
Because they know about the scar

VERNON:
That boy won't be going anywhere, not with you
I won't pay to send him to that school
This plan of yours will get the big deep six
No crackpot fool will teach him magic tricks

HAGRID:
Insult my boss in front of me, you big
Buffoon, I'll turn your son into a pig!

(I shouldna done that)

Cause all the Muggles, yes, I mean you,
Couldn't stop what I'm goin' ter do
Harry, now it's all up ter you
Things can be better than they are
Now that yeh've found out who yeh are
Now that yeh've found out who yeh are

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune Baby, You're A Rich Man by the Beatles

HAGRID:
Harry Potter yeh ain't one of these horrible Muggles
They never told yeh who yeh are and 'bout yer family

HARRY:
My parents they died in a car, I don't know what you mean

HAGRID:
Harry Potter yeh ain't one of these horrible Muggles
Gulpin' gargoyles, yeh don't know? Yeh don't know 'bout our world?
Yeh never got Dumbledore's note? It's time that yeh've been told

Harry, yer a wizard
Harry, yer a wizard
Harry, yer a wizard too
Somehow yeh survived when yer parents were killed by You-Know-Who
And that's the truth

Harry, yer a wizard
Harry, yer a wizard
Harry, yer a wizard, too

Harry Potter yeh ain't one of these horrible Muggles

HARRY:
Hagrid, you must be mistaken, what you say cannot be

HAGRID:
Have yeh ever made things happen when yeh were scared or angry?

Harry, yer a wizard
Harry, yer a wizard
Harry, yer a wizard too
And a thumpin' good one yeh'll turn out to be, that's what I say
Once yeh've been trained

Harry, yer a wizard
Harry, yer a wizard
Harry, yer a wizard too

Repeat 'till fade

A filk by Stella to the Beatles' Baby, You're a Rich Man

HAGRID:
My name is Rubeus, I'm the gamekeeper at Hogwarts
I've come to tell you what you are
You're a wizard, Harry

HARRY:
None of that can be true at all
You can't really mean me

HAGRID:
Have you ever made anything happen
when you were sad?

VERNON:
He'll never be going there.

HARRY:
How could you two have known?

VERNON:
We won't pay to send him there.
My final answer's 'no'!

HAGRID:
Harry, you're a wizard
Harry, you're a wizard
Harry, you're a wizard, too.
Just like you're parent's were before they died.
I thought you knew.
They're so untrue.
Harry, you're a wizard
Harry, you're a wizard
Harry, you're a wizard, too.

Now that you know that you're one of the magical people,
You can come leave with me.
I will take you away.
You'll go to Diagon Alley.

HARRY:
I don't know what to say.

I'll soon be a wizard
I'll soon be a wizard
I'll soon be a wizard, too.
I won't have to stay here for one more day
Now I'll have friends.
A magic wand, too.

HAGRID:
(Harry) Harry, you're a wizard
Harry, you're a wizard
Harry, you're a wizard, too.

HARRY:
I'll soon be a wizard
I'll soon be a wizard
I'll soon be a wizard, too.

A filk by Haggridd to the song of the same name Big D from the Frank Loesser musical The Most Happy Fella. ("Big D" in the original song is Dallas.)

SCENE: The Hut By The Sea; Hagrid tells Harry about the great Hogwarts headmaster.

This man "Big D" I adore.
He's a man of wit and a man of lore.
He is "Big D"; knows the score.
He's the Hogwarts Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore.

You'll love to meet him;
When we get there you'll greet him.
What a treat for you we have in store
When you see "Big D", he's top drawer.
He is "Big D", favorite of J. K. Rowling,
"Big D", who enjoys tenpin bowling
"Big D", Hogwarts Headmaster, Dumbledore.

They can't defeat him;
Dark Wizards cannot beat him
'Cause they tried and failed in days of yore.
Death Eaters "Big D" does abhor.
He is "Big D", though Fudge might think it tragic,
"Big D" should be Minister of Magic.
"Big D", Hogwarts Headmaster, Dumbledore.

Lucius may browbeat him
But Malfoy can't unseat him
He instills great esprit de corps.
With Hogwarts "Big D", has rapport.
He is "Big D", beloved by each student,
"Big D", to attack him's imprudent.
"Big D", Hogwarts Headmaster, Dumbledore.

We love to treat him,
We throw Feasts just to fete him.
When we cheer, well, you should hear us roar,
"Hooray for 'Big D'!" Now, once more!
He is "Big D", he's the school's best director.
"Big D", he's the Muggles' protector.
"Big D", Hogwarts Headmaster, Dumbledore.

NOTE: Read his Chocolate Frog card, if you don't believe me

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Mama Tried by Merle Hagrid.. er...Haggard

HARRY
The first thing I remember knowin', in a Muggle family growin'
And a cousin mean and almost twice my size
To this family I am bound, always they put me down
About from where I came the Dursley's lied

Born an only wizard child, from a family meek and mild
My mama knew betrayal was in store
In a wizard family's lovin', disappeared right into nuthin'
Till we all got attacked by Voldemort

And I turned 11 at the Dursley's till he bursted through the door

HAGRID:
We tried to save your life, your mama tried mama tried
Mama tried to save you Harry
`twas the reason that she died
That is why you're here today, `cuz Mama tried

James and Lilly rest their souls, left us all a heavy load
We knew it was the hardest thing to do
Dumbledore he knew what's best, leaving you right on those steps
He sent me here to find and rescue you

HARRY:
And I turned 11 at the Dursley's living in that filthy hole

HAGRID:
We tried to save your life, your mama tried mama tried
Mama tried to save you Harry
`twas the reason that she died
That is why you're here today, `cuz Mama tried

A filk by Anton to the tune of Kickapoo by Tenacious D

NARRATOR:
A long and painful time ago
In a house on Privet Drive
There lived a Muggle family
On status which did thrive
But, yeah, they had their secret
And her offspring did arrive
His name was young HP and he was known both near and far,
He broke the Dark Lord's spell, and made it out with just a scar
He moved in with his aunt and soon his life went under par...

DUMBLEDORE:
Oh the Dark Lord's wand was blazing
As he crept into their house
Then he knocked off James and Lily,
But some hope has been aroused
Their son survived the Dark Lord,
Neutralizing You-Know-Who,
But now we must keep Harry safe
Or he may perish too!
Gotta leave the boy is the Dursleys' home
I hope he's not annoyed in the Dursleys' home
Trouble he'll avoid in the Dursleys' home
He won't be destroyed in the Dursleys' home

McGonagall expresses her misgiving but Dumbledore insists it's all for the best. Then a loud slap and a painful scream is heard, just as she had feared. This torment continues for about ten years.

VERNON:
You've ruined our appearance, boy,
Why were you ever born?
Your cousin's a violent pampered brat
Yet we love him more
This magic stuff you do to us
Is for a fairy tale
Here you just embarrass us
And cause us much travail
You had best stay in your cupboard
And ask no more about your folks,
Stop drawing bad attention
And quit these foolish jokes!
You better cut your hair, you better use a comb!
You better not have strange ideas in your dome!
Don't let me hear you talk, don't let me see you roam!
You keep up with the Jones when you're in my home!

Harry, while being locked in his cupboard, moved upstairs, and dragged away from the mysterious letters he has started to receive, ponders his fate:

HARRY:
Why do strangers know me?
All these years I've been alone,
I want to see my letters,
The address is not unknown
They did include my cupboard
And it makes me wonder why
My uncle thinks they're evil
But he's not a stand-up guy,
Someone's trying to reach me
So the news can't be too bad,
But even so, I never got
To know my mum and dad!

Hagrid heads right to the shack where Harry is being kept, and makes his presence known.

HAGRID:
I've come for you, young Harry,
You're a wizard to the core
Now that you've become eleven,
Go to Albus Dumbledore!
He sent me out to fetch you
From these repressive Muggle parts
And to tell you that since birth
You've been accepted to Hogwarts!
In the world's finest school of magic,
Once you've trained for seven years,
You'll achieve your full potential
Among witch and wizard peers
You'll find your fame and glory
Through the crannies and the nooks
You'll grow up just like your parents--
Let's go and buy your books!

NARRATOR:
So he fled from boring Privet Drive as fast as he could dart,
As he caught the train at King's Cross so his schooling he could start
It wasn't very long before he met his counterpart--
Rooooon! Ro-o-o-o-on! Raye-yayayayaye-yon!

To the tune of Welcome to the Land, from the 1999 musical Martin Guerre

Martin Guerre is a musical by Boubil and Schonberg, best known for Les Miserables. Stylistically, the two are very similar, both having a strong predilection for rousing choruses and anthems. Martin Guerre went through several revisions after opening in 1996: this song is from the 1999 revision.

THE SCENE: The Leaky Cauldron. The usual crowd of magical barflies in attendance. Enter HAGRID and Harry, on their way to Diagon Alley.

BARMAID
Is that you, Hagrid,
What can we serve you tonight, love?

HAGRID
No thank you, I'm fine
It's Hogswarts business I must ply

BARKEEP
There is only one thing that could
Make you stay dry

FIRST CUSTOMER
Who's the lad?

HAGRID
He dispelled all the Dark Lord's wrongs

ALL (gazing intently at HARRY)
Who's the boy you're with? - Do we recognize him?
We see James' face and sweet Lily's eyes then
Who else could it be but their son Harry?
He's a blast from the past
He's come home, off to Hogwarts School!

All the Cauldron patrons crowd around Harry

DORIS CROCKFORD
Bless my soul! He's grown up
And he looks so wise and prudent

DEDALUS DIGGLE
At Hogwarts this year
I bet he'll be the perfect student

SECOND CUSTOMER
Oh my gosh, his parents
Would have been so proud to see this

THIRD CUSTOMER
They should be so proud for he made
Voldemort go remiss

BARKEEP
Drinks are on the house now

BARMAID
He seems so meek and mild

DEDALUS
He's not even spoken

FIRST CUSTOMER
But he's our savior-child

DEDALUS & DORIS
Son, this is a miracle
We've waited not in vain

FIRST, SECOND & THIRD CUSTOMER
Harry you are welcome here
You ended our pain!

ALL (raising their glasses to Harry)
Welcome to our pub called the
Leaky Cauldron
Welcome to the wide world of wizardry
Welcome to the world that you have made free
Welcome back, welcome son,
Welcome home
You're back safe and sound
Mega-blast from the past
Let's have one more round

A tremulous young man pushes his way through to Harry, and seizes his hand

QUIRRELL (highly agitated)
W-W-What is this, is it the lad?
Are you sure you're P-P-Potter?
Yes, y-you are, I'm so pleased!
Can this be young P-Potter
Who stopped You-Kn-Know-Who's reign
Through some m-method arcane?
T-T- Tell me Potter
H-H-Harry Potter
Do you know what I t-t-train?

ALL (except Harry, spoken) DADA.

The others nudge QUIRRELL aside, who tremblingly withdraws. The BARMAID refills everyone's glass

DEDALUS
Eleven years ago it was
Harry's birthday

DORIS
Something happened next, that was
Voldy's worst day

ALL raise their glass in a toast to Harry, save HAGRID who honors his vow of (brief) sobriety

ALL (except HARRY & HAGRID)
Lily bore this child who we tell now:
Welcome to our bar, boy who bears the curse scar
Welcome to the inn where Hagrid gets soused
Keep him safe in hand, may this youth be blessed
Banned the bad, did this lad,
He dispersed ev'ry curse
Boy Who Lived, he will prove he's a
Superstar!
Salut!

ALL drink deeply as HAGRID and Harry make their exit

To the tune of Put Your Hand in the Hand by Ocean

THE SCENE: Diagon Alley, in front of Ollivanders, "Makers of Fine Wands since 382 B.C." Enter HARRY and HAGRID, both carrying a large number of shopping bags

HAGRID
Harry's now a wizard, having reached the age of 11
We've been shopping in the Alley ever since the clock struck seven
But we've one more stop, and it's at a shop of which I'm very fond
It's the shop of Ollivander, who's the maker of the finest wands

They enter Ollivanders. The shelves of the tiny store are filled with countless boxes, each one containing a wand. Behind is the counter is MR. OLLIVANDER, who, as if expecting their arrival, rises to greet them

HARRY & HAGRID
Get your wand from the hand of the grand Mister Ollivander

Dozens of the boxes fly off the shelf and land in front of Harry, who takes each wand out of its box, and waves it in succession, without effect. MR. OLLIVANDER snatches each one back as soon as it's clear that the wand didn't "click" with Harry

MR. OLLIVANDER
Find a wand to respond to as all of my stock you're shown
Each wand's unique and the wand you seek will be yours and yours alone

ALL
Form a bond with a wand, and that wand will choose you for its own

MR. OLLIVANDER
I generate a wand, in order to ensure a clean mix,
Out of unicorn hair, dragon strings and feathers off a phoenix.

Harry, to the delight of all, creates a stream of red and gold sparks when he waves one particular wand. MR. OLLIVANDER examines its box

That wand you found is the best by far, but isn't this bizarre?
It's the brother of the wand that gave to you your famous scar

HAGRID AND HARRY
Get your wand from the hand of the grand Mister Ollivander

HARRY AND MR. OLLIVANDER
Get your wand at the store once patronized by Voldemort

MR. OLLIVANDER
Your wand shares its core with Voldemort's....

HARRY

MR. OLLIVANDER
I'd love to tell you more, but you'll have to wait until Book Four

ALL (singing and clapping)
I've/You've a wand from the hand of the grand Mister Ollivander
I/You found a wand to respond to that can never be outshone

MR. OLLIVANDER & HAGRID
Your wand's unique, and good technique will make it yours and yours alone
Form a bond with your wand, for that wand has chose you for its own!

ALL
Oh yeah!

A filk by R.J. Lupin based on Your Song from Moulin Rouge

SCENE: Ollivander has just given Harry his wand. He then presents it to him with a very elaborate song...

OLLIVANDER:
The wand chooses the wizard
And this one chose you
And you can tell everybody
This is your wand
You may think it's quite simple, but
I remember each one
'Cause I remember
I remember, each wand I've ever sold
Yes I know them all, each single one

You come into my shop
See me behind the desk
I know what you're thinking, that this
This place is a mess
But I know each wand that lies on these shelves
You must agree that's the same more or less

So I alwaies remember
'Cause that's what I do
If this wand here I'm holding is his, or for you
But well the thing is, what I really mean
Is I remember every wand I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody
This is your wand
You may think its quite simple, but
I remember each one
'Cause I remember
I remember, each wand I've ever sold
Yes I know them all
Each single one!

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of the same name by 50 Cent and Lil' Kim

Harry and Hagrid enter Mr. Ollivander's shop in pursuit of Harry's first-- and fateful-- wand.

MR. OLLIVANDER: I sell the magic sticks.
Wave the wand once; no need to wave twice.
It will do magic tricks.
If you don't believe me, try another or three,
And one should do magic.

HARRY: What? What?

MR. OLLIVANDER: Magic.

HAGRID: Uh huh, uh huh!

MR. OLLIVANDER: I sell the magic sticks.

Mr. Ollivander sets his magical tape measure on Harry, which continues on as he starts pulling random wands off of shelves.

I'm pretty old,
And I remember every wand I've sold.
It seems so recently, your mum came to me,
She bought a willow wand, nice and swishy.
It was good for Charms, made to her order,
A nice good size, ten inches and a quarter.
Been here, too, when your dad came in
He got an excellent wand for Transfiguration.
Eleven full inches; we'll see about you:
Now the wand chooses the wizard, mind you!

He spies Hagrid.

And here's the fellow with the longest wand:
16 inches, but it's broken and gone.
They snapped it in half when you got expelled?

Hagrid nods guiltily and shifts his pink umbrella behind his back.

Pity; I remember that wand so well.
Like I said, I remember all I've sold,
And I'll remember yours even after it molds.

Harry, having tried numerous wands during Mr. Ollivander's speech, grows weary.

HARRY: Is this some sort of trick?
I waved this wand once; I even waved twice,
But there was no magic.
I don't believe you; I've now tried more than two,
And none did some magic.

MR. OLLIVANDER (gathering more wands and piling them up in front of Harry): What? What?

HARRY: Magic.

HAGRID: Uh huh, uh huh!

HARRY: Is this some kind of trick?

As Mr. Ollivander gathers more wands for this "picky customer," Harry voices his confusion.

HARRY:
I'm so confused;
This giant just showed up and told me the news.
Being a wizard still seems so odd;
I wonder if this is some joke from some fraud--
But Hagrid tells me I'm magic'ly endowed,
And I've got powers to make the wizard world proud.
I guess it's pretty easy to believe him now,
Seeing as my uncle never told me how
Or why I had these odd things happen to me
And this crazy dreams of flashes of green.
I've got this scar; now I know why.
I still don't get how I survived.
My uncle wants to stomp it out but he couldn't;
He wanted to put me in the orphanage but my aunt wouldn't.
This wizarding world makes my head spin;
In a few weeks, wizard SCHOOL I begin?

MR. OLLIVANDER:
I sell the magic sticks.
Wave the wand once; no need to wave twice.
It will do magic tricks.
If you don't believe me, try another or three,
And one will do magic.

HARRY: What? What?

MR. OLLIVANDER: Magic.

HAGRID: Uh huh, uh huh!

MR. OLLIVANDER: I sell the magic sticks.

We'll try this one:
It's quite unusual, but things as they are . . .

HARRY: Why's it so odd?

MR. OLLIVANDER: Because it's brother made you scarred, So it would be curious if--

HARRY (waving it and sending sparks shooting out of the end with great ease):
Hey, this isn't hard!

HAGRID: Magic stick!

MR. OLLIVANDER: You pulled a magic trick:
Seeing as how the phoenix that's in that stick--

HARRY: You mean there's phoenix inside this wood?

MR. OLLIVANDER: --gave another feather for the Dark Lord.

MR. OLLIVANDER/HARRY/HAGRID: I (He) sell(s) the magic sticks. Wave the wand once; no need to wave twice. It will do magic tricks. If you don't believe me (him), try another or three, And they all do magic.

HARRY: What? What?

MR. OLLIVANDER: Magic.

HAGRID: Uh huh, uh huh!

MR. OLLIVANDER: I sell the magic sticks.

MR. OLLIVANDER/HARRY/HAGRID: I (He) sell(s) the magic sticks.
Wave the wand once; no need to wave twice.
It will do magic tricks.
If you don't believe me (him), try another or three,
And they all do magic.

HARRY: What? What?

MR. OLLIVANDER: Magic.

HAGRID: Uh huh, uh huh!

MR. OLLIVANDER: I sell the magic sticks.

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of I Love a Piano by Irving Berlin.

Scene: Diagon Alley. HARRY waxes poetic over his new wand, fashioned of holly, with a phoenix feather core.

HARRY
I love my wand. Oh,
I love my wand. Oh,
I love to wave and cast a spell
With my new wand. Oh,
My brand new wand. Oh,
I think the Charms it does are swell.

At Ollivanders
I took a gander.
Wands of all shapes and sizes:
Yew; Holly; Mahogany.

And you must adore
What is in the core:
Feathers of Phoenixes reborn;
Heart-strings of Dragon
Brought in by wagon;
Hairs from the fabled unicorn.

We beat Gregorovitch wands by a mile.
They're much too thick and simply have no style!
I love to wander
Through Ollivanders
Here since three eighty-two B.C.

A filk by Judy Nathanson to the tune of The Letter by the Box Tops.

HARRY
Give me a ticket for the Red Train
Runs between platforms 9 and 10
Muggle days are gone - Hogwarts, here I come
An owl brought me a letter

I don't care what Gringotts gold I gotta spend
Just don't sort me into Slytherin
Muggle days are gone - Hogwarts, here I come
An owl brought me a letter

Well he brought me a letter telling me I was magical
Maybe I'll even get to play Quidditch for Gryffindor
Some day, so.......

Give me a ticket for the Red Train
Runs between platforms 9 and 10
Muggle days are gone - Hogwarts, here I come
An owl brought me a letter

Harry's Got a Scar (PS/SS, Chap. 6)

A filk by Jill to the tune of Baby I'm a Star" by Prince

The scene: Platform 9-3/4. Fred and George have just assisted Harry onto the train and have returned to the platform to say goodbye to Ginny and Mrs. Weasley.

FRED & GEORGE:
Hey, look us over
Tell us do you like what you see?
Hey, people call us funny
And no one can miss our personality
We helped that kid out
We know what his story's all about
The legends all are true
He was cursed by You-Know-Who
And he is on the train without a doubt

Harry's got a (scar)
Right above his brow
I can see it now and it's a (scar)
I don't want to stare, but it is right there
Blimey (Harry's got a scar!)

MRS. WEASLEY:
Hey, you kids listen
He's here all alone, that poor dear
Don't ask him one more thing
One word and wrath I'll bring
Kiddies I hope that I'm
Making myself clear

GINNY:
Mum, can I board now?
Can I look now or it just might be too late (just might be too late)?
I've just gotta see that guy
His fame you can't deny

MRS. WEASLEY:
Take a step back, sweetie
For you'll just have to wait

FRED, GEORGE, GINNY & RON:
Harry's got a (scar)
Right above his brow
I can see it now and it's a (scar)
I don't want to stare, but it is right there
Blimey (Harry's got a scar!)

Everybody says, he's the Boy Who Lived now
He has come to Hogwarts, seems to be just fine
We'll see what he's all about (see what he's all about)
Yeah we gotta check him out (yeah we gotta check him out)
Harry Harry (Harry) Harry (Harry) Harry (Harry)
Yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah (scar)

Right above his brow
I can see it now and it's a (scar)
I don't want to stare, but it is right there
Blimey! (scar)

Harry Harry Harry
Oh Harry's got a (scar)
Harry Harry Harry
Oh blimey
(Harry's got a scar)

(Harry's got a scar)
Harry's got a scar

(Harry's got a scar)

Potter!
Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, ooh
Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry, ooh
Harry's got a scar

A filk by Jill to the tune of Let's Go Crazy by Prince

I based these lyrics on the version found on the Purple Rain CD. I will not pretend that this midi matches the lyrics, nor can I figure out how the spoken part of this song fits in the midi.

THE SCENE: Harry and Ron are getting to know each other over a pile of sweets during their first trip on the Hogwarts Express.

Clearly I'm famished
We are riding on this train
To get to this place called school

Extended train ride
It seems forever and that's a mighty long time
And I'm really starving
But here it comes
The goodie cart

A cart of never ending yumminess
It will always bring us some great delight

So when you call on that lady pushing the cart
You know the one - called us "dear" she's so nice
Instead of asking her how many Mars Bars are left
Ask her how much of our kind, baby

'cause in this world
Things are much different on the goodie cart
In this world
The magic shows

And when you put your Sickles and your Knuts down
Buy Pasties - plus a bunch more

If your corned beef - is dry and tough
Take a Pumpkin Pasty
There's more than enough

You see I asked the cart lady
For what I preferred
But I should have known
Mars Bars are such a bore
Oh my, it's so absurd

Are you gonna let me-eat all of this
Yummy stuff
Oh, no, not so!

Pumpkin Pasties
Chocolate Frogs
Let's look for the card with Agrippa
Man I hope I have some luck, let's go!

Two friends united
But we don't know why
Maybe it's `cause
We're on a sugar high

And when we chew (when we chew)
Bubbles galore (bubbles galore)
You better eat now
Before those Frogs go hopping out our door

Tell me, are you gonna try the Every Flavor Bean that's brown
Oh, no that's gross!

Pumpkin Pasties
Chocolate Frogs
Look for the card with Agrippa
Man I hope I have some luck, let's go!

Pumpkin Pasties
Chocolate Frogs
Yeah
Pumpkin Pasties

Pumpkin Pasties

Are you gonna try the Every Flavor Bean that's brown
Oh, no that's gross!
Let's eat Pasties

I said Pumpkin Pasties
Drooble's, Drooble's
Gum
Let's blow

Gotta get myself a Cauldron Cake
And try these Licorice Wands
Fill until boy named Neville walks in
Ain't seen your toad

We're eating
We're eating
Eating

More Cauldron Cake!

A filk by Diana & Jim L. to the tune of The Gambler by Kenny Rogers

THE SCENE: Harry's on the train to Hogwarts in PS/SS. Harry is singing to himself.

HARRY:
On a late summer's morning, on a train bound for Hogwarts
I met up with a Weasley, who said Ron was his name
So he asked to see my scar, and I asked him some questions
Bout his wizard family, til the candy trolley came

He said, "Hey, I've got my sandwich, I don't need any candy,"
Knowin' he was hungry, I gave him some of mine
So we ate lots of goodies, and we declared it dandy
And I knew at that moment, a best friend I did find

So then Ron whipped out his old wand, tried to turn his fat rat yellow
Then a girl came from nowhere, she was wound a bit tight
And when she saw his wand out, her face got all excited
She said, "Are you going to do a spell, boy? - I wanna see you do it right."

"You've got to know what's a real spell, know what's a fake one
Know all your school spellbooks, and know that this is fun
You'll never see me loafing, when I could and should be learning
There'll be time enough for playing when the homework's done."

"Every student knows that the secret to this learnin'
Is knowin' what to highlight and knowin' what's a bore
'Cause every text's a keeper and every test's a challenge
And the house you want to be in, is surely Gryffindor."

And when she finished speaking, she went back toward the hallway,
Swept out the carriage door, with Neville at her feet
And later on that journey, that Granger she did visit
But in her early words I found advice that I could keep

"You've got to know what's a real spell, know what's a fake one
Know all your school spellbooks, and know that this is fun
You'll never see me loafing, when I could and should be learning
There'll be time enough for playing when the homework's done."

"You've got to know what's a real spell, (what's a real spell)
Know what's a fake one (what's a fake one)
Know all your school spellbooks, and know that this is fun
You'll never see me loafing, when I could and should be learning
There'll be time enough for playing when the homework's done."

A filk by Stickbook to the tune of Yellow by Coldplay, on their wonderful album Parachutes

SCENE: HERMIONE is on the Hogwarts Express on her way to her new school. She decides to take a break from looking for Trevor.

HERMIONE:
Look at these boys,
Look how it's just them two
On the train to school
Yeah, they were so mellow

I came along,
And then I noticed that
The tall kid had a rat
He tried to turn yellow

So then I took my seat
Inside their compartment,
Next to those fellows

One had glasses
And he was skin and bones
The redhead
Had something on his nose
"Better change into your Hogwarts robes,
You know we're getting close."

When we arrived
We sailed across the lake
And found a witch in wait
And she said, "Hello.

"Go through these doors,
We're gonna sort you lot!"
I hoped we'd get a shot
To try to do a spell-o

Hannah Abbott,
Then there was Susan Bones
Gryffindor!
I finally found a home!
Would you know, guess who was placed there as well
The train compartment fellows!

Then, after she's gotten to know them a little better…

What pains!
Those two boys from the train,
They think that I'm insane
`Cause I use my brain!
All they do is complain!
They have no self-restraint!
Points down the drain!

Look at those boys
Look how it's just them two
Wish I was part of their crew…

A filk by Neri to the tune of Twisted by Annie Ross & Wardell Grey (click on the little speaker in No. 9 in "track listing")

THE SCENE: The Hogwarts Express. Hermione introduces herself to Harry and Ron (as the railway rattles a fast rumba rhythm....)

HERMIONE (singing very fast):
McGonagall wrote me
That I am a talented witch
Admitted to Hogwarts (school)
Of Witchcraft and Wizardry
I say, I was ever so surprised
Of course I promptly learned all the course books by heart
By the way did you know?
You've got something on your nose

RON: Oh, no!

HERMIONE (takes a quick breath)
McGonagall wrote me
That I am a fabulous find
Admitted to Hogwarts
Although I'm a year too young
She said I was the type that was most inclined
With a little bit of training prove a brilliant mind
I expect that she's right
No more stupid yellow rats!

(shifts to 5th gear)

They say as a child
I appeared a little bit wild
With all my clever ideas
But I knew what was happening
Knew I was a genius...
What's so strange when you know
That you're a wizard at three?
I knew that this was meant to be!

(shifts to 6th gear)

Now I heard little witches
Were supposed to sleep tight
That's why I concocted me
A nice Sleeping Draught
My parents got frantic
Didn't know what they'd do
But I was just snoozing
For a fortnight or two
Now do you think I was crazy?
I may have been only three
But I - was - charming!

They all laughed at Quentin Trimbell!
They all laughed at Agrippa
And also at Grunnion
So why should I feel sorry
If they just couldn't understand
The idiomatic logic
That went on in my head?
I had a brain
It was insane
Oh they used to laugh at me
Because I've seen around
All those triple-decker buses
With a Jamaican shrunken head up in the front

HARRY: (speaking)
There was a shrunken head up in the front???

RON: (rap under nose)
Gee she's crazy, thinks she's in a movie, hope she's not in my house

HERMIONE (back into the beat)
McGonagall wrote me
That I was exceedingly bright
But I say the Professor,
She can't know how much she's right
Because I, I have a thing that unique and new
Can't tell you exactly but remember when you
Will be taking your class -
- I'll take two.

A-nd

You know two classes are better

Than o-ne...

RON (to Harry on the Train in SS)
Well there's some bittersweet Bertie's beans in that bag
Try to guess the flavor of this big suspicious gray one
I'll tell you bought all of the flavors that I've ever gotten
You know like vomit, liver, tripe, grass, and all things rotten

No thanks, I'd like none, I'd like none, I'd like none
I'll just stick with these frogs, I'll just stick with these frogs
'Cause there's a million different flavors from one bag to the next
I'll just stick with these frogs, yeah, yeah , yeah, yeeeeahhh

DUMBLEDORE (to Harry in the Hospital wing)
Well I never eat these
But I guess I'll try a toffee
I need to taste a good one to reaffirm my faith in this candy
I'll let this golden one shine, before I try to eat it
But alas its earwax and theres nothing to wash it down with

No change, I won't change, I won't change, I won't change
'Cause I'm here in my mould, I like it here in my mould
And I really don't like that candy, from one day to the next
I won't change my mould no, no, no, no

'Cause they're some bittersweet Bertie's beans that candy
Trying to eat a couple without getting one that's sandy
I guess I won't eat them, won't eat them
'Cause there are some, taste like mould, 'Cause there's some, taste like mold
And there's a million different flavors from one bag to the next
And ones that are like mold, oh, oh,oh, oh, oh

We've got ya, salt and pepper, chocolate and booger
(I'll tell ya bout all the flavors I've ever gotten)

FADE OUT

To the tune of the Beatles' Carry That Weight

THE SCENE: The Hogwarts Express. DRACO (flanked by Crabbe & Goyle), reintroduces himself to HARRY, while not-so-subtly warning him to avoid the likes of Hagrid and Ron

DRACO: And my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy.
RON: (gives a slight cough, i.e. a snigger)
DRACO: (glaring at Ron) Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasleys have red hair, freckles, and more children than they can afford. (Turning back to HARRY) You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there…..

(music)
Boy, join with the Malfoy Estate
Malfoys you make your allies
Boy, don't make the Malfoys irate
Malfoys berate and chastise

One never hangs out with Weasleys
One never seeks Hagrid's approbation
Or in the middle of your education
You'll break down

HARRY (to himself)
Man, I think it's Malfoys I hate
Don't need debate or rewrite
Man, I gotta Slyth'rins negate
What those ingrates need is rat bite!

Scabbers attacks Goyle, sinking his teeth deep into Goyle's knuckle. EXIT, with undue haste. the SLYTH-TO-BE-TRIO. ENTER HERMIONE

HERMIONE (spoken, clueslessly): What has been going on?

A filk by Twisted Mentat based on I'm Alive by Electric Light Orchestra from the Xanadu soundtrack

SCENE: Young Harry is filled with jubilation and wonder, and starts to break into song as he recounts the events of his 11th summer...

HARRY (clutching his letter from Hogwarts):
I've arrived
And the world changed for me today
No more lies
Suddenly, I've a place today

Seemed like forever (and a day)
Thought it could never (be this way)
A new reality
I've arrived, I've arrived...

HARRY (on Platform 9 3/4, King's Cross)
I've arrived
And my whole life begins anew
I've arrived
Where's this train gonna take me to?

Witchcraft and Wizardry? (is this now?)
Sounds like a mystery (still, somehow...)
But what can I say?
I've arrived, I've arrived, I've arrived...

Instrumental

SCENE: Harry, lying in his bed in Gryffindor Tower, recalls the train ride, the Sorting, the feast, and all the other events of this momentus day.

Suddenly came the shore (into view)
We came right through the doors (quite a few)
And it seemed so unreal (I've arrived)
I've arrived, I've arrived...

I arrived
Gryffindor house with all-new friends
I arrived
And I hope this dream will never end

But have questions to ask (many sorts)
About my parent's past (Voldemort)
Must I face destiny?
But tonight, I arrived, I've arrived...

SCENE: Early morning, the next day. Our black-haired hero awakes to find that it all was most definitely not a dream.

It's no lie, I'm all right, 'cuz I've arrived
I've arrived...

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Old Brown Shoe by the Beatles, from their Hey Jude album.

Professor McGonagall silently placed a four legged stool in front of the first years. On top of the stool she put a pointed wizard's hat, patched, frayed and extremely dirty. The hat twitched. A rip near the brim opened wide like a mouth, and an old piano started to magically play in the corner of the Great Hall. Out of nowhere a band striked up and the hat began to sing:

SORTING HAT
You may not think I'm pretty
But I'm not your ordinary chapeau
I'm a-singing today
Just so that all of you will know
I'm the Sorting Hat of this Hogwarts School
Yeah, that's what I do
I do all the sortin'
Reading the thoughts of all of you

McGonagall'll pick me up
And place me down right on top of your head
I'll tell you where you'll go
Let me repeat what I've just said
I'm the Sorting Hat of this Hogwarts School
Yeah, that's what I do
I do all the sortin'
Reading the thoughts of all of you

Perhaps Gryffindor's where you should be
They are brave and honor chivalry
Or maybe Ravenclaw may be your house
If you like to learn and are studious
Who knows, baby? You can never tell

Musical interlude

Is Hufflepuff the place for you?
They are just, loyal, hardworking and true
Or will you go to Slytherin?
That's the house where the ambitious are in
Who knows, baby? You can never tell

Now then try me on for size
As soon as I'm finished with this song
I've never made a mistake
I will tell you where you belong
I'm the Sorting Hat of this Hogwarts school
Yeah, that's what I do
I do all the sortin'
Reading the thoughts of all of you

Yeah, I do all the sortin'
Reading the thoughts of all of you

To the tune of the Pointer Sisters' I'm So Excited

THE SCENE: The Sorting Ceremony at Hogwarts Great Hall. HARRY with all the other first years, is waiting nervously as the Sorting Hat launches into its annual gig.

SORTING HAT
A thousand years ago the Hogwarts Founders
Placed within a simple garment of headwear
A sophisticated database Sort function
Far beyond the Muggles' most advanced software

If I say "Slytherin,"

CHORUS OF OLDER STUDENTS
.............................. you're in!
If "Hufflepuff," sure 'nough!

SORTING HAT
If "Gryffindor" is called for

CHORUS OF OLDER STUDENTS
Then you are through their door!

SORTING HAT
If "Ravenclaw,"

CHORUS OF OLDER STUDENTS
...........................Well, that then says it all!

CHORUS OF FIRST-YEARS
We'll all be sorted
That hat reported!
It's about to name the house to which we'll be escorted!
When it's done sorting
We'll start cavorting
It knows it knows it knows it knows
All 'bout us 'bout us 'bout us!

The SORTING HAT decides to do a random rather than alphabetic sort this year, and calls HARRY first

SORTING HAT (to HARRY)
I'm now upon the head of Harry Potter
A fascinating challenge, I maintain
Shall Gryffindor help amplify your glory
Or will Slytherin grant your brilliance its full reign?
If I say Slytherin, you're in....

HARRY
...Don't care to be sent there
See my lip stiffen, Gryffin -
Dor's where I want to be

SORTING HAT
If that's your choice
Then let me give it voice
(spoken, to ALL) GRYFFINDOR!

HARRY rushes to the GRYFFINDOR table, who welcome him with open arms, while SLYTHERIN looks angry and betrayed

HARRY & CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
I have/Harry's been sorted!
I/We f