Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

See also our full-length CoS musicals: Veresna Ussep's The Sound of Magic, Salazar's Chamber of the Secrets and The Phantom of the Diary, Caius Marcius' A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Chamber, Gail Bohacek's Merlin Rouge, SchmergoWeasley's Hogwarts Musical, and JustLivePosthumously's The Chamber Man.

Copyright 2001-2004, 2006 by Caius Marcius, except If You're Anxious For to Shine in the Dark-Art Fighting Line Copyright 2001 by Lisa I.; Wild Phoenixes Copyright 2001 by Alex; Charmless Man Copyright 2002 by Kit; Riddle's Giant Basilisk and Something (In the Stuff She Brewed) Copyright 2002 by Pippin; Flying Blue Machine and Tangled Up in Floo Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Stoney People Copyright 2002 by The Random Monkey; Stop the Phoenix Copyright 2002 by Miranda Shadowind; Death Day Party Invitation, Dursley Gets Mad, Eat Dung, Draco Malfoy, Golden Snitches, He Escaped Through The Bedroom Window, His Stupid Valentines, I've Got To Throw This Book Away, Mean Mr. Dursley, Mrs. Norris, Muggle Son's Blues, Not Prudent, Photograph, Polyjuice, Ron's Sister We Can Fly Dad's Car and We Three Kids Copyright 2002-2004 by Gail Bohacek; Because, Please Harry Potter Don't Get Angry, Skip To The Loo With Harry, That Bludger Sure Had Your Name, The End, Tom's Diary, Underage Wizard and Voldemort Was Once Tom M. Riddle Copyright 2002, 2003 by Lilac; It's My Potty (aka It's My Bathroom) Copyright 2002 by Eloise; Heir Harry and That Old Snape's Office Copyright 2002 by Nicole Lyon; I Don't Like Spiders and Snape Copyright 2002 by snazzybird; Here's Looking Through You Copyright 2002 by Amy Z; Voldemort's Old Diary by Kaesa Aurelia Secunda; Endless Sleep, Heir and Hogwarts School Copyright 2002, 2004 by Jason LeBouef; Chamber of Secrets With Tommy and I Am Virginia Copyright 2003 by Polish Girl; Ford Anglia Copyright 2003 by Anne Urbanski; All You Have To Do Is Wait, The Ballad of Mrs. Norris, It Must Work, The Quidditch Match, Summer Night and The Weasleys Of The Burrow Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; Blame it on the Train, I've Got Friends with Stone Faces, I Wanna Sock!, Little Ginevra, Who Wants to Be the Slytherin Heir? and You Can Call Me Goyle Copyright 2003, 2004 by Ginger; Aurors, Galleons and Magic Copyright 2003 by Meg D.; It Is The Book You Can't Put Down Copyright 2003 by Cassie; Rebuke Copyright 2003 by Stickbook; Mudblood Copyright 2003 by Terra; Flying the Car Copyright 2003 by Stella; Just Like You Copyright 2004 by Star Opal; Diary Copyright 2004 by GiNnY; Hogwarts Killer Copyright 2004 by R.J. Lupin; Let Me Expelliarmus! Copyright 2004 by Vocalion; 1942, Smells Like Teen Riddle and Tom Copyright 2004, 2005 by Murasaki; The Basilisk of Slytherin Copyright 2004 by Willow; Potter, You Rotter Copyright 2004 by Prankoholic; Scary Apparition Copyright 2005 by Constance Vigilance; Basilisky and Ozymandias Copyright 2005 by dungrollin; I'm Too Sexy Copyright 2005 by The Dark Evil One; The Body of Lord Voldemort Copyright 2006 by Embledore

To the tune of Summer Wine (first sung by Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazelwood)

Whinge (hwinj, winj) intr.v. Chiefly British. Whinged, Whing·ing, Whing·es
To complain or protest, especially in an annoying or persistent manner.

THE SCENE: 4 Privet Drive. HARRY laments his return to Little Whinging.

HARRY
I came back home with magic things from my first year
The Dursleys greeted me with loathing and with fear
They seized my wands and robes, on Hedwig they infringed
They now inflict on me summer whinge

HARRY & THE DURSLEYS
Ohh-oh-oh summer whinge

HARRY
It's hocus pocus and my magic kitchen word
All summer long in Little Whinging I'm interred
I labor at my chores, the sun my neck does singe
As they all give to me summer whinge

HARRY & THE DURSLEYS
Ohh-oh-oh summer whinge

HARRY
My owl was locked up and no letters came my way
It seemed that Ron and Herm had nothing more to say
The Dursleys' creepy dinner plans just made me cringe
It never seems to stop, summer whinge

HARRY & THE DURSLEYS
Ohh-oh-oh summer whinge

HARRY
It's squiggly wiggly and a hedgerow-burning spell
My summer in Little Whinging becomes pure hell
I'm starved throughout the day while Dudley's on a binge
And so I dare to voice summer whinge

HARRY & THE DURSLEYS
Ohh-oh-oh summer whinge

HARRY
Though it's my birthday I'm to stay within my room
Vernon says just one sound, and I'll meet certain doom
Of kindness and concern he betrays not a twinge
He's giving me some more summer whinge

HARRY & THE DURSLEYS
Ohh-oh-oh summer whinge

HARRY
It's Jiggery-pokery and a flying frying pan
To whinge in Whinging is a most redundant plan
Why must relations spring from the lunatic fringe?

DURSLEYS
So we can give to you summer whinge

DOBBY (from behind the bushes)
Mmm-mm summer whinge………..

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Twisted Sister's I Wanna Rock!

Scene: Harry's bedroom during the Dursley's dinner with the Masons. Ignoring Harry's pleadings for silence, Dobby thrashes his magic guitar (with magic amp) and sings:

DOBBY:
I wanna sock!
I wanna sock!
I want a sock!
I wanna sock!

"Be trod down" they say,
Well I got to say, and though I bang my head in pain,
I say, NO!
No! No, no, no, no, no!

"Let's make Harry pay"
Well, all I got to say, as to the stove I now foray,
I say, NO!
No! No, no, no, no, no!

So if you ask me why I stay although I hate it,
There's my enslavement, and I say to you:

I wanna sock!
I wanna sock!
I want a sock!
I wanna sock!

There's a wizard that
Is nothing like the rest, put the Dark Lord to the test
And make him go!
Go! Go, go, go, go, go.

There's a plot that's hatched
To kill the Muggleborn and Harry Potter put to scorn.
Sir can't go!
Go! Go, go, go, go, go.

So I took all your posts, else you'd soon be joining the ghosts,
There's only one more wish I'd wish come true:

I wanna sock!
I wanna sock!
I want a sock!
I wanna sock!

Repeat and fade

To the tune of The Lady's Paying, from Lloyd Webber's Sunset Boulevard

The Scene: HARRY'S room on Privet Drive. HARRY is full of self-pity as the summer drags on without a word from his classmates. Meanwhile, the Dursleys prepare to entertain the Masons, a rich builder with whom VERNON hopes to do business

HARRY (music)
This looks to be my most unhappy birthday yet
I've not received a single card or present
I can't expect a thing from the Dursleys of course
But no Hermione or Ron, now that I resent

Enter VERNON

HARRY (spoken)
What's all this?

VERNON (spoken)
So what if it's your birthday? We've forgotten!

HARRY (spoken)
Well, I...

VERNON (spoken)
This is the most important dinner party we've ever held. You're to remain in your room for the day.

HARRY (spoken)
Uncle Vernon, now listen....

VERNON (spoken)
Boy, I'll leave you to it.

Exit VERNON

HARRY (music)
I thought I had made bonds that time could never bend
With my new friends
But it seems that none of them have even missed me

DOBBY suddenly appears on HARRY'S bed

But who is this that I see standing on my bed
It bows its head
And looks as though it wishes to assist me

DOBBY
Dobby's here on a great quest

HARRY
The poor thing in torn rags is dressed

DOBBY (bowing deeply)
You're a very noble wizard as each house-elf can attest
Now Dobby bows before you with a humble meek request
So very far from home is Dobby straying
So listen please to what this elf is saying

HARRY
I'm glad to meet you, Dobby, please now have a seat

DOBBY (bursting in tears)
He deigns to greet
Dobby as if he were his peer or equal
From a wizard such regard is never seen
This kindness keen
Lacks both a predecessor and a sequel

Your goodness heralds your renown
Your bold triumphs yet resound
Every elf venerates you
For your defeat of You-Know-Who
Dobby's come to tell you why
That he cannot let you die
So no more at Hogwarts School can you be staying
Please listen sir to what this elf is saying

HARRY (simultaneously with last line)
I can't believe what I hear this elf saying

HARRY
Hogwarts to me is far more than just a school,
It's a renewal
Uh - friends I've made there make my life much better

DOBBY
How can they be Harry's friends when they don't write?

DOBBY accidentally drops a large pile of letters from Ron, Hermione, and Hagrid

HARRY
You tricky sprite
I see that you've purloined their every letter

DOBBY (snatching the letters back)
If Harry thought he'd lost his friends,
Then Hogwarts he'd not attend
He'd dodge a danger dark and vast that could destroy him in the end
And Dobby must now tell you, though his Master he'll offend
That his Master these dark forces is conveying

DOBBY looks startled, realizing he's said something he shouldn't

Dobby cannot believe what he is saying

DOBBY begins banging his head violently. HARRY tries to stop him

HARRY
Please now Dobby kindly do not bang your head
You'll wind up dead
You'll give yourself a really bad concussion

DOBBY
When Dobby says things 'bout his Master's ill-intent
His punishment's
That he upon his skull must play percussion (Bang!)
A house-elf is by magic bound
To say nothing that's unsound
Though the slightest hint of Master's crime is certain to astound
Dobby warrants discipline whenever it is found
That his Master's reputation he's betraying
So please ignore what this house-elf was saying

DOBBY bangs his head a few more times

HARRY (with rising panic)
Dobby, listen, please, I live with Muggles here
They hate and fear
Everything that has to do with magic
They're entertaining quite important guests tonight

DOBBY
I must ignite
Them to save you from a fate that's far more tragic

DOBBY races to the kitchen, with HARRY in close pursuit. As HARRY arrives, he sees that DOBBY is perilously levitating Aunt Petunia's "masterpiece of a pudding" at ceiling level

HARRY
Please don't cause an accident with her bowl

DOBBY
Then tell Hogwarts School that you'll be leaving

HARRY
I can't say it, Hogwarts is my heart and soul

DOBBY
Then that pudding I'll not be reprieving

DOBBY causes the bowl to crash, sending pudding flying in every direction, and enveloping HARRY in it. DOBBY vanishes abruptly, just as VERNON rushes in

VERNON (dragging HARRY to his room)
The Masons fled in terror when they saw your bird
Deliver word
That magic done outside school they prohibit
Now let's see if magic helps you leave your room
You may presume
Your movement hence we strictly shall inhibit

VERNON places bars upon HARRY's windows, and then locks him inside his room

HARRY
Now I'm under lock and bar
But here's a sight nothing can mar
Right outside my window I see Ron inside in a magic car

RON, GEORGE AND FRED
Climb right on board Harry, and you'll fly with us so far

HARRY AND RON
This evening Uncle Vern I'll/you'll be defying
And in his/my father's car I/you shall be flying

FRED and GEORGE non-magically remove the bars, and help HARRY climb in

HARRY
An evening with an elf can be quite trying.

Exit all skywards

A filk by Lilac to the tune of You Never Give Me Your Money by the Beatles

The Scene: Harry's bedroom. Dobby the house-elf is nimbly keeping Ron and Hermione's letters out of Harry's reach, while he is singing...

DOBBY:
Please Harry Potter, don't be angry
Dobby hoped you'd think your friends forgot you
And that you wouldn't want to go back to school
Please stay here!

Please, Harry Potter must promise
That sir will not go back to dang'rous Hogwarts
Because some evil wizards soon will cavort
Please stay here!

HARRY:
Dobby, you don't understand
I don't belong in Muggle land
I belong in your world - at Hogwarts

It's all I've got to keep me sane
My family treats me inhumane
That is why I'll go back to Hogwarts

That Hogwarts magic feeling, back there I'll go
That Hogwarts magic feeling, back there I'll go, back there I'll go...

Dobby sprints down the stairs, and Harry follows soon thereafter. He finds Dobby levitating the pudding up by the kitchen ceiling.

HARRY (gasping):
Dobby, no!

DOBBY:
Sir has left Dobby without a choice
See this pudding floating here
Dobby will drop it down then disappear

HARRY:
Dobby, don't
Do it, I pray!
But I can't say that I will stay (no I can't, I can't, I can't .....)

Dobby lets the pudding fall to the floor with a crash, splattering the room and Harry with the creamy concoction. Dobby then disappears as Harry hears Uncle Vernon on his way into the kitchen...

HARRY (to himself):
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six and five
I can kiss my bum goodbye...

*****************************************************

Underage Wizard (CoS, Chap. 2)

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Sun King by the Beatles

The Scene: After the "Pudding Disaster", Harry has been locked in his room for three days with very little to eat, and is feeling utterly hopeless and helpless about his predicament. Being lulled to sleep by the sound of crickets chirping outside, he fitfully dreams that he is in a locked in a cage, starving and weak, laying on a bed of straw, with a sign on the cage that says...

HARRY:
"UNDERAGE WIZARD"
"UNDERAGE WIZARD"
See the people goggling
See the Dursleys laughing
"UNDERAGE WIZARD"

He sees Dobby among the crowd and calls out to him...

Dobby, bloody house-elf, come and help me break on out of this joint!
Locked up in a cage like in a zoo, all of the people cruelly point

DOBBY:
No, sir, Harry Potter!
Sir is safe there, just can't let sir be destroyed.

*************************************************

Mean Mr. Dursley (CoS)

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Mean Mr. Mustard by the Beatles

Mean Mr. Dursley, Harry's uncle
He's a Muggle really hates magic
Lives at Number 4 Privet Drive
Hated Harry since he'd arrived
Always made sure he was deprived
Such a Muggle that man
Such a Muggle that man

Petunia his wife Dudley his son
They are no fun, they hate Harry too
Petunia makes him work like a slave
Dudley always acting depraved
Can't believe the way they behave
Such a Muggle family
Such a Muggle family

*****************************************************

Dursley Gets Mad (CoS, Chap. 2)

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Polythene Pam by the Beatles

Well, you should've seen Dursley get mad
He put bars on Harry's window, the cad
Locked him in his room, won't let him go back to school
Yes, you should've seen Dursley get mad
Yeah, yeah, yeah

When he found out Harry couldn't cast spells
Outside of school or else he would get expelled
Said, "You'll never go back!", wouldn't cut him no slack
And now Harry's bedroom has become like a cell
Yeah, yeah, yeah

***************************************************

He Escaped Through The Bedroom Window (CoS, Chap. 3)

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of She Came In Through the Bedroom Window by the Beatles

He escaped through the bedroom window
Now everything is just okay
The Dursley's hang dumbstruck in amazement
As they watch as he flies away

Nobody ever told them
Now they all can plainly see
Harry's leaving from the Dursley's
He's going home with the Weasley's

Harry's stuff was locked in the cupboard
Fred and George snuck down the stairs
Pretty soon they'd packed the old Ford
On the sill, Harry's almost there

But then Vernon, he tried to grab him
It was like a tug-of-war
And though he tried his best to stop him
Harry left in that flying car

Nobody ever told them
Now they all can plainly see
Harry's leaving from the Dursley's
He's going home with the Weasley's
Oh yeah

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Because by the Beatles

THE SCENE: Molly, standing in a line outside of Flourish and Blotts, keeps primping her hair as she has these thoughts...

Because he knows his pests, he is the best
Because he knows his pests...aaaaaahhhhhh

Because his hair is blond, it turns me on
Because his hair is blond..... .aaaaaaaahhhh

Lockhart's smart, brave and kind! For him I'll stand in line.

Because his eyes are blue, it makes me sigh
Because his eyes are blue.......aaaaaaaahhhh

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh....

A filk by Mariner to the tune of Tangled up in Blue by Bob Dylan

Scene: After his accidental trip to Knockturn Alley, Harry explains what happened

HARRY
Early one morning at the Burrow,
I was hangin' with Ron.
We decided to go to Diagon Alley,
Get some shopping done.
All the Weasleys came along,
The whole red-headed crew,
They gave me some magical powder stuff
And explained what I should do.
I stood in front of the fireplace
Tryin' not to burn my shoes.
I threw the powder into the flames,
Breathed in the ashes that flew, said "Achoo!"
Tangled up in Floo.

I found myself in a strange dark place
I didn't recognize.
I was was trapped in a dusty space,
Smoke was stinging my eyes.
There were human bones and ugly masks,
Toe of frog and eye of newt,
Pickled slimy things in jars
Didn't look remotely cute.
I clenched my hands and I closed my eyes,
I admit I was scared stiff.
I knew I wasn't in Diagon,
It was an entirely different avenue,
Tangled up in Floo.

The door swung open with a creak,
And I was feeling no joy
When a pair of customers came in,
And each was a Malfoy.
In my mind there wasn't any doubt
That they were up to no good.
I knew I needed to get away,
But I didn't see how I could.
Thank God they didn't spot me there,
I would not have stood a chance.
I really wished I were somewhere else,
Like maybe in Paris, France, or in Peru,
Tangled up in Floo.

Lucius had some things to sell,
And none of them looked nice.
He put on a lot of snooty airs
As he haggled over price.
Draco prowled around the shop,
Looking for something to buy.
When his father ragged him about his grades,
He looked like he might cry.
I remember thinking to myself,
"Dude, grow yourself a spine!"
He acted like a total git,
Man, you should've heard him whine, made want to spew.
Tangled up in Floo.

After a while, the Malfoys moved on,
The coast was finally clear.
I snuck out into the street,
Intending to disappear.
I didn't like the looks of the place,
All the shops sold nasty stuff.
I might not have known what it was,
But I knew I'd seen enough.
Then a witch confronted me in the street,
Selling fingernails off a tray.
I was starting to feel just a bit uneasy,
When Hagrid saved the day, yeah, he came through.
Tangled up in Floo.

So that's my trip to Knockturn Alley,
Sure was a narrow escape.
No way I'm going back again,
I'd just as soon kiss Snape.
Fred and George thought it was cool,
But as I said to Ron,
"Leave the Dark Arts to the Malfoys,
I'm sticking to Diagon."
I'm leaving Knockturn far behind,
With it's monsters and its spooks.
Gonna head on down to Flourish & Blotts
To purchase Lockhart's books, that's what I'll do.
Tangled up in Floo.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Dear Prudence by the Beatles

Scene: LUCIUS MALFOY is talking to his son inside Borgin & Burkes

LUCIUS
Not prudent - better watch what you say
You shouldn't give your thoughts away
I've told you this time and again
Couldn't have made myself more plain
These blatant thoughts of yours will betray

Your treatment of Harry Potter
Important, you must remember
To appear less then fond of him
Would seem to be a mortal sin
This dissent needs to be hidden better

Ignorant people think they know
This moment Potter's a hero
Most of our kind hold him as dear
He made the Dark Lord disappear
It's urgent that you keep quiet, Draco

HARRY who is hiding inside a large black cabinet, sees Draco coming closer and is afraid that he will be discovered.

HARRY (under his breath)
Go away, way
Go away, way, way
Go away

LUCIUS (to Mr. Borgin):
The recent raids by the Ministry
They haven't touched my family
Wizard blood and ancestry
Counting for less, but not with me
Impudent, Muggle-loving Weasley

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of The Beatles' Drive My Car

HARRY:
Tried to get on the train back to school
But the gateway wouldn't let us go through
Lost all hope and I started to fear
But then Ron thought of a great idea

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
You know that Ford Anglia
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
And it will be cool

HARRY:
Well, at first it was lots of fun
But hunger and boredom finally won
Then the engine started to whine
Wished I was on that ol' rail line

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
Moves just like a shooting star
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
We'll make it to school

FORD ANGLIA:
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
Hogwarts can not be that far
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
But I'm worried, too

HARRY:
The engine died and we lost all control
Then we crashed in the Whomping Willow
Snape he almost had us expelled
Then Ron's Mom sent him the Howler from hell

MRS. WEASLEY (Howler):
WHO SAID YOU COULD TAKE THE CAR?
MoM'S INVESTIGATING YOUR PA!
YOU BOTH COULD HAVE DIED IN THAT CAR!
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

FORD ANGLIA:
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah

A filk by Mariner to the tune of Yellow Submarine by the Beatles

HARRY:
In the station of King's Cross,
Between platforms ten and nine,
There's a secret passageway
Only wizard folk can find.

But we crashed into a wall
When we tried to make that scene,
Now we have to get to school
In a flying blue machine.

HARRY AND RON:
We went up in a flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.
We went up in a flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.

RON:
All our friends are on the train,
Probably wondering where we are.
And I wish we had some food.

HARRY AND RON:
There's no food in the flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.
There's no food in the flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.

HARRY:
As we tried so hard to land,
The Whomping Willow made its attack.
I'm afraid that we've been seen;
Snape is going to vent his spleen.

HARRY AND RON (simultaneously with below):
We went splat! in the flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.
We went splat! in the flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.

SNAPE (simultaneously with above):
Caught two brats in a flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.
Caught two brats in a flying blue machine,
Flying blue machine, flying blue machine.

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of Summer Nights from the 1978 movie Grease.

SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. Harry and Ron have missed their second-year Sorting Feast and have been sent to bed with only sandwiches. They are greeted by Fred, George, and the rest of the Gryffindors.

HARRY:
Summer. Pudding smashed on the floor.
Uncle Vernon, he locked my door.
Summer. Spent it locked in my room.

RON:
Summer. Harry forgot his broom.

FRED and GEORGE:
Picked the lock; gave 'em a shock. Flew away in the summer night.

WIZARDS:
Wella-Wella- Wella- UH
Tell me more, Tell me more didja get very far?

WITCHES:
Tell me more, Tell me more. How did you get that car?

WITCHES:
Uh-UH

WIZARDS:
Doo-Doo

WITCHES:
Uh-Uh

WIZARDS:
Doo-Doo

WITCHES:
Uh-Uh

WIZARDS:
Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo

HARRY:
King's Cross Station. We missed the gate.

RON:
King's Cross Station. A minute too late.

HARRY:
Hogwarts Express gone to the school.

RON:
Felt like nine-and-three-quarters kinds of fool.

HARRY:
Rubbed my scar, jumped in the car

RON:
And flew off in the summer night.

WITCHES:
Wella-Wella-Wella-UH
Tell me more, Tell me more. Were you scared you'd be seen?

WIZARDS:
Tell me more, Tell me more 'bout that flying machine.

WITCHES:
Dum doobie doo doobie doo doobie doobie doobie dum

WIZARDS:
Uh Uh-Uh Uh-Uh Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh-Uh Uh

HARRY:
At first we were quite invisible.

RON:
When it failed we were so miserable.

HARRY:
Had to get there pretty soon;

RON:
Over the ground our parts would be strewn.

HARRY AND RON:
Should debark, 'twas getting quite dark as we flew in
the summer night_______

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
WOH-WOH-WOH

WIZARDS:
Tell me more, Tell me more. Hey you weren't at the Feast.

HARRY and RON:
Tell you what; of our troubles, that was the least.

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop- Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop Shuda Bop-Bop YAH

RON:
Listen up, you sure gotta know

HARRY:
How we were mauled by that Whomping Willow.

RON:
We were saved because of Dad's Ford.

HARRY:
Yeah, thank Merlin we were aboard.

HARRY AND HERMIONE:
We did cry, smote hip and thigh by that tree in the summer night_____

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
WOH WOH WOH

WITCHES:
Tell me more, Tell me more did it all come to naught?

WIZARDS:
Tell me more, Tell me more how you finally were caught.

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo

RON:
At the Sorting was an empty chair;

HARRY:
So we wondered who should've been there?

RON:
While we watched the Sorting Hat

HARRY:
Potions Master appeared-- just like that!

HARRY and RON:
In the end, Snape did apprehend us in

EVERYONE:
OH_

HARRY and RON:
The su-hummer Ni-hight___________

WITCHES and WIZARDS:
Tell me more, Tell me more________

Harry and Ron concluded that, all considered, things could be worse.

A filk by Stella to the tune of I Am the Walrus

SNAPE:
Look right here, you are here
Driving the car that Muggles saw up flying
If you were both in Slytherin house
You'd be expelled…Explain yourselves.

RON:
We were at the platform, walking through the barrier
We couldn't get through, then the train left without us
We didn't have any choice,
We had to take the car.

HARRY:
We really had to.

SNAPE:
The Muggles saw you.

DUMBLEDORE:
Quiet, Professor.
It's not up to you.

SNAPE:
They flew here from London city,
Risking the exposure of our world
Look at them fly that car up in the sky
A damaged tree, too…They're flying
They're fly- they're flying
They're fly-

RON:
That's alright, Professor
We'll go up and get our things

McGONAGALL:
What do you mean, Weasley?
I will not expel you
Well at least I won't expel you today, anyhow

HARRY:
Thank you, Professor

SNAPE:
I hate you, Potter
They should expel you
I can't stand you two

McGONAGALL:
Still, I must impress upon you
Of the seriousness
Of what you've done, you'll get detention
And a letter to your folks

DUMBLEDORE:
You're free to go now
I hope that you know now
Not to take flying cars up to school
Off to bed, you two

Back up in the common room there
is a party that was planned for you (hohoho, hehehe, hahaha)
See how they laugh
All on your behalf
See how they think you're amazing

Fred and George are jealous
Back up in Gryffindor tower
"Why couldn't you let us come
With you in the flying car?"
Man, you should have seen their faces
When we said hello.

Got away from Fred
Ron was filled with dread
Climbed up the steps and went up to bed
As our story was spread

Random muttering

A filk by Ginger based on Blame it on the Rain by Milli Vanilli.

Scene: Snape's office. Snape has just left to get McGonagall, who, as he told Ron and Harry, has the power to expell them. Ron turns to Harry and sings:

RON:
We knew the train was leaving.
We gave a good try (good try)
To barrel through the barrier
To reach the other side.
Now we wished
That we had made it (made it)
And just rode it to the school.
We had to fly away.
Now we're gonna get the blame.
Gotta blame it on something-
Gotta blame it on something.

Blame it on the train (train)
Blame it on the car (car)
Whatever you do, just don't blame me and you
Blame it on the train, yeah, yeah.
You can blame it on the train.
ooh....

HARRY:
We can't, we can't, we can't, blame the train.
We can't, we can't, we can't, blame the train.
Yeah, yeah,
We could say we are sorry.
We could say we were wrong.

RON:
But if we're to go and do that, no, no
Snape would be right all along.

HARRY:
We could say that we were desp'rate (desp'rate)
To get back here to our school.
We wanted back so bad
That we'll have to take the blame.

RON:
Gotta blame it on something-
Gotta blame it on something.
Blame it on the train that was bound for Hogwarts.
Blame it on the car that took to flight.
Whatever you do- just don't blame me and you
Blame it on the train, yeah, yeah.

You can blame it on the train
Cuz the train can't fly
And the train ain't here.
You got to blame it on something.
Blame it on the train
Blame it on the car
Whatever you do- just don't blame me and you
Blame it on the train, yeah, yeah

repeat as necessary

To the tune of Tears On My Pillow by Little Anthony and the Imperials

THE SCENE: The Great Hall, then Snape's office. As luck would have it, the first person (?) to notice the late-arriving Harry & Ron is none other than the Potions Master Severus Snape.

SNAPE (spoken): I noticed, in my search of the park, that considerable damage seems to have been done to a very valuable Whomping Willow....

(music)
You didn't notice me, but I sure noticed you
'Twas on this very night, into our tree you flew
Cars on our Willow, tree torn apart, 'cause of you, you

If it were up to me, it would be a slam dunk
I'd gladly throw you out, for ramming our tree trunk
Cars on our Willow, rage in my heart, 'cause of you

You flew Arthur's gadget, 'twas his fav'rite toy
When they find it was your Dad's, he could lose his employ

Exit SNAPE, to retrieve Dumbledore and McGonagall

HARRY & RON
At Hogwarts we are through, our execution date
Is gonna be today, how Snape will celebrate!
Cars on their Willow, Snape lacks a heart, and we're blue, blue…

Fade-out

To the tune of the Beatles' I Want to Hold Your Hand

The Scene: Gryffindor Common Room. Enter RON WEASLEY, with a broken wand

RON
When I borrowed my Dad's auto, I flew too far beyond
In crashing, my wand was shattered: I need a brand new wand!
This one will not respond! I need a brand new wand!

Getting Howlers from my mother's no way to correspond
So I'm afraid to tell her I need a brand-new wand
Please help your poor son Ron! I need a brand new wand!

It's held together now with crappy Spellotape
And when I wave it I get chewed out by ol' Snape
That ol' Snape! Yellow Snape!

Can't change beetles into buttons, all I get is smoke
So please, tell my parents this is not a joke!
If I don't get a brand-new wand I will jump in a pond!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Photograph by Def Leppard

COLIN CREEVEY:
Hey!

Wow, what luck! I can't believe!
I'm a first year, Colin Creevey
Harry Potter! It's far out!
You're the one I've heard about
I heard about you from my friends
To my father I want to send
A picture of your lightning scar
My hero, gee! And there you are

Oh, someone told me if I developed this film
Oh, oh, the pictures will move

Photograph, I just want one
Photograph, Look this way, huh?
Photograph, all I want is a photograph
But that's not enough!

I'm your big fan, sit with us
First year students, we'll discuss
All about you and your deeds
Is there something that you need?
If I didn't know Harry
I'd say he was avoiding me
We pass each other in the halls
"Hiya Harry!" I always call

Oh, someone told me if I develop this film
Oh, oh, the pictures will move

Photograph, one with Lockhart
Photograph, playing Quidditch
Photograph, Harry, I just want a photograph
Maybe you can sign it?

It really is amazing!

To the tune of Monkey by Irving Bungie – but more directly on the The Monkey Song from Animaniacs Episode One.

THE SCENE: The DADA classroom. LOCKHART is about to display a cage of captive Cornish Pixies to a class of second-year Gryffindors

LOCKHART
One Monday morning I teach me class
With cage of pixies, they so full of sass
I quiz my class on colors I like
I warn me class how the pixies will strike.

LOCKHART: Don't know what to say de pixies won't do!
GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS: Don't know what to say de pixies won't do!
LOCKHART: Don't know what to say de pixies won't do!
PIXIES: If you don't know, we'll give you review!

LOCKHART
I whip de cover right off their cage.
The pixies scream, they so full of rage
They voice is shrill and they start to roar
I go to cage and open up door

LOCKHART: Don't know what to say de pixies won't do!
STUDENTS: Does Lockhart have in head a loose screw?
LOCKHART: Don't know what to say de pixies won't do!
PIXIES: You opened the door, now we will show you!

NEVILLE
I shake so hard that I get sick
But I'm telling you, friends, those pixies was quick!
The pixies pick me up by two of my ears
Then they hang me from iron chandeliers.

NEVILLE: Don't know what to say de pixies won't do!
PIXIES: You'll just have to wait until we're through!
NEVILLE: From way up here I at least get good view
ALL: Don't know what to say de pixies won't do!

HARRY
The pixies are cuter than Tribbles on Trek
The pixies leave classroom a smolderin' wreck
They shred the paper and they break the glass
They rapidly approach a critical mass.

RON & HERMIONE: Don't know what to say de pixies won't do!
HARRY: This causes a feeling just like deja vu.
LOCKHART: Peskipiksi Pesternomi should do!
STUDENTS: They took his wand, out the window they threw!

RON
Then Lockhart, he tell class they're dismissed
Then he look at three of us and he say this:

LOCKHART
I've got some books to sign now backstage
Just nip the blighters right back into their cage.

LOCKHART: Don't care to see what de pixies won't do!
TRIO: Path of least resistance is his avenue!
LOCKHART: This simple little job is easy to do
PIXIES: Hear how Lockhart whistlin' Dixie to you!

Exit LOCKHART rapidly – The Trio, not without considerable effort, round up the remaining pixies.

HARRY & RON: Well, we know he can't teach and pixies can't snare
It takes too much time from fixing his hair
The man has not a single ounce of sense
HERMIONE: He wants we should have Learning Experience.

HARRY & RON: Don't know what to say what Lockhart can't do!
HERMIONE: He wants us some hands-on work to pursue!
PIXIES: Recapturing us he had not the clue.
TRIO & PIXIES: Don't know what to say what Lockhart can't do!

A filk by Terra to the tune of Cher's Half-Breed

HERMIONE:
I've made some great friends like Ron and Harry
My Muggle parents are so proud of me
Draco Malfoy said I'm a know-it-all
And something I was not expecting at all

Mudblood, first time I ever heard
Mudblood, it must be a dirty word
Mudblood, in a tone for fiends
Ron Weasley, please tell me what the heck that word means

Then Ron got angry, tried to curse him back
Clearly more than just a verbal attack
Ron said it was pureblood word of scorn
"Give her a telly, she's a Muggle-born"

Mudblood, first time I ever heard
Mudblood, it must be a dirty word
Mudblood, in a tone for fiends
Ron Weasley, please tell me what the heck that word means

Ron said it was to make me feel ashamed
That I don't deserve any claim to fame
May not be from some ancient magic clan
But I'll show them all what I really am

Mudblood, first time I ever heard
Mudblood, truly is a dirty word
Mudblood, in a tone for fiends
Ron Weasley, now I know what that awful word means

Eat Dung, Draco Malfoy (CoS, Chap. 7)

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Roll Over Beethoven, originally written and performed by the rock-n-roll legend, Chuck Berry, but can you guess which famous British band did a cover of this song in the 1960's? :)>

RON:
Was watching Harry practice
On the pitch along with Hermione
The Slytherin team walked on and
Draco bought his way onto the team
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
You're the last person I want to see

Called Hermione Mudblood
And said it with a smirk
You're name's going to be mud
Once I'm finished with my work
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
You lousy little jerk

You hide behind Crabbe and Goyle
Strut around like you're so tough
You are just plain spoiled
Today I'm going to call your bluff
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
I've just about had enough

I'm going to pull out my wand
Cast this curse and then in a second
You'll be spewing all sorts of slugs
Just wait and see and then you'll be sorry
You came over
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
Don't mess around with me

I'm telling you this morning
I'm a-giving you fair warning
This time you've gone way too far
You'll never ever
Be just as clever
As you think you are
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
And go crying to your pa

You know I hate your guts, Malfoy
You'll be paying for that wisecrack
You are really annoying
Oughta give you such a smack
My wand's pointing at you
Now let's see how you react

Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
Eat dung, Draco Malfoy
And dig this slug spewing curse!

Ron points his wand furiously at Malfoy, and a loud bang echoes around the stadium as a jet of green light shoots out of the wrong end of Ron's wand, hitting him the stomach and sending him reeling backwards onto the grass.

A filk by Kit to the tune of Charmless Man, by Blur

SCENE:  Harry is on his way back to the Common Room after reading the Kwikspell letter in Filch's office

HARRY
I was heading to the Common Room
Dripping with mud I really had to groom
I was caught by Filch; the trip began
To the office of a charmless man

Cleaning frog brains with the flu all day
And he was just about to make me pay
Then he heard Peeves and had to go away
I read that letter -- here's what it did say:

He wasn't educated here
Can't do spells, it's clear
Though he's a pureblood
He's just a poor dud

His horrid cat's
His only friend
He just pretends
It's not a problem
Not magically inclined

In personality and talent he's the model of a charmless man

This Kwikspell Course says it can guarantee
Improvement to any Squib enlistee
I understand how this could hurt a man's pride
But as it's Filch I think my ruth will subside

He must concede
Though he's of breed
He can't succeed
Something's gone wrongly
With his system

And though for me
Wandwork's a breeze
He's on his knees
He need some lessons
But it's too late for him

In personality and talent he's the model of a charmless man

He wasn't educated here
Can't do spells, it's clear
Though he's a pureblood
He just a poor dud

And though for me
Wandwork's a breeze
He's on his knees
He needs some lessons
But it's too late for him

In personality and talent he's the model of a charmless man

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Being For The Benefit Of Mr. Kite! by the Beatles

To honor Nearly Headless Nick
There will be a horrific Death Day Party
October Thirty-first's the date
Please do come and celebrate this tragedy
He was hit in the neck forty-five times
With a blunt axe five hundred years ago
That's the way he passed away so Nicholas says

The late lamented N.H.N.
Invites every ghost to attend, and every ghoul
The party will start at seven
Deep down inside the dark dungeons of Hogwarts School
They'll be music, dancing and a buffet
Of the most putrid food money can buy
If you please, R.S.V.P. as soon as you can

Invitations have been send
The Wailing Widow will come from Kent, if we're lucky
And we expect quite a thrill
As the Headless Hunt will show their skill at Head Hockey
Having been some days in preparation
A mournful time is guaranteed for all
As a topper, Harry Potter's guest of honor

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Stevie Wonder's Superstition

The Scene: HARRY has just come across a despondent NEARLY HEADLESS NICK who is holding a translucent sheet of paper. He's just been denied a membership in the Headless Hunt because of not having the minimum qualifications.

HARRY: Is there anything I can do to help, Nick?
NICK (brightening): Yes! Can you come to my Deathday party and let Sir Properly-decapitated Podmore know that you find me quite frightening?.

The music comes up and SIR NICHOLAS, boogying, really gets down with the idea:.

NEARLY HEADLESS NICK:
"Scary apparition," that's what you could say
"Scary apparition!" They'd let me in that way.
You shiver in your year robes when you see me gliding past
Even though my ear lobes are firmly still attached.

Just a half an inch of sinew makes a one-piece ghost.
And I suffered!
Still my application's toast.

Denying me admission, into the Headless Hunt.
"Improper disposition, because the axe was blunt."
I'm feeling pretty gloomy, on my Deathday eve.
My head is sticking to me because it didn't cleave.

When scoring headless hockey, your team just made a play
Celebration!
It's a hat trick either way, yeh, yeh

"Scary apparition!" Harry, tell him that
"Frightening condition!" When you see Sir Pat
Bring along Hermione, and ask Ron Weasley too.
I hate to sound so whiney, it's the least that you can do

Just a half an inch of sinew makes a one-piece ghost.
And I suffered!
It's what bothers me the most - no, no, no.

To the tune of The Monster Mash

The Scene: A roomy dungeon deep within Hogwarts' Castle. SIR NICHOLAS DE MIMSY-PORPINGTON'S 500th Deathday Party is just getting underway. Amidst a large assemblage of ghosts, poltergeists, and various phantasms, are HARRY, RON & HERMIONE, the only living party-goers, who are here at the invitation of SIR NICHOLAS

HP: We've an invitation this Halloween night
To attend a soiree with phantoms and frights,
Courtesy of Nicholas, who's already dead
A man who'd nearly lost his head

TRIO: We did the bash
HP: We did the Deathday bash!
TRIO: The Deathday bash
HG: The bar was so not cash
TRIO: Were we too rash?
RW: It was a culture clash
TRIO: Hors d'oeuvres were trash
At Sir Nick's Deathday bash!

NICK: On the semi-millennium of my demise
A Deathday party I'd planned to devise
From near and far a gathering of friends
All of whom had met with miserable ends

NICK: We did the dance!
TRIO: We did the Deathday dance!
NICK: The Deathday dance
TRIO 'Twas surely no romance
NICK: They looked askance
When they were served dead ants
TRIO: We took a chance
To see his Deathday dance!

NICK: As I said to that spectral nun
The party has just begun
The guests include the Fat Friar
And Baron who's bloody glum

NICK, THE FRIAR, & THE BARON
The saws were swingin', all were digging the sounds
Like fingernails on chalkboards, or cats being drowned
The chill grew stronger, for when you're post-death
It's so amusing not to see your breath

TRIO: We did the freeze
RW: We did the Deathday freeze
TRIO: We did the freeze
HG: We flirted with disease
TRIO: 'Twas three degrees
HP: We stood around to sneeze
TRIO: Some warm air please!
We did the Deathday freeze

HG & NICK: Peeves in his bowtie, as the death of the party,
Met Myrtle from the girls' room, looking none too hearty
HP & FRIAR: And she said to Peeves as he started to taunt her
MYRTLE: It's his party, and I'll cry if I want ter…

. Exit Myrtle, weeping hysterically

TRIO AND (GHOST TRIO)
She did her whine!
(She did her Deathday whine!)
Her Deathday whine
(She is so borderline)
She did her whine!
(She ought to redesign)
Her Deathday whine
(To something more benign)

FRIAR & BARON
There was nary a howl, there was scarcely a screech
When Sir Nick ascended to commence his speech
But then Sir Patrick and a dozen more jockies
Thought the time was ripe for a game of Head Hockey

FF& BB: They played their game!
NICK: They played a mean head game!
FF& BB: Put Nick to shame!
NICK: My head's still on its frame
FF& BB: Due to bad aim!
NICK: For which I'm not to blame
FF& BB: We must proclaim….
TRIO: (interrupting, with bright insincere smiles) We are so glad we came!

The TRIO exit rapidly

A paean by Amy Z to the Hogwarts ghosts, to the tune of I'm Looking Through You by (who else?) the Beatles

HARRY, HERMIONE, and RON, at Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday Party, raise a glass to toast their ghostly host:

TRIO
Here's looking through you
Tonight's your night
We'll tell Sir Patrick
That you're a fright
After half a millennium, you still look fab
Too bad your head wasn't left on the slab

MYRTLE appears

HERMIONE:
You're looking lovely

(sotto voce)
Though your skin's not clear
You float above me
Grumbling in my ear

to HARRY and RON:
She's a member of the ungrateful dead If only she'd been turned to stone instead!

(to PEEVES:)
Why, tell me why did you tell her my diss?
Now where am I to go to when I need to take a piss?

CUT TO CS chapter 11. Nick is floating immobile and horizontal next to a petrified Justin

HARRY:
I'm looking through you
Post Tom-attack
You're in a stew, you
`re seriously black
We didn't know that one could croak
Twice in one lifetime and fill with smoke.

STUDENTS to HARRY:
Why are you at this school, for goodness sakes?
We should stay far away from anyone who talks to snakes

We're looking through you
Suddenly aware:
Ol' You Know Who-oo
Knew you were the Heir
You were a hero, but now you've changed
We're looking through you, you're not the same

Harry, you've changed! etc. and fade out

A filk by Haggridd based on Tom Lehrer's The Irish Ballad

EXPLANATORY NOTE: The refrain "Mrs. Norris is done in" is intended to sound like Tom Lehrer's "rickety-tickety-tin", and so, despite the right and normal method of pronunciation, should be sung "MISSus-norRIS-is-done-IN", in order to capture the same silly rhythm as in the original.

About a cat I'll sing a song,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
About a cat I'll sing a song

Who down the corridors prowled along
And found out students who did wrong,
To Argus Filch she turned them in, them in,
To Argus Filch she turned them in.

One evening in a fit of pique,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
One evening in a fit of pique,
They found poor Nearly-Headless Nick.
The Headless Hunt was a filthy clique,
Who wouldn't let Nicholas in, -las in,
Who wouldn't let Nicholas in.

He said that it was his Deathday,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
He said that it was his Deathday,
And at his party they did stay.
But the rotting food drove them away
'Cause they didn't know where it had been, had been,
They didn't know where it had been.

They tried to get back to their Feast,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They tried to get back to their Feast,
Where everyone was not deceased,
Harry heard the words of the Beast,
Wanting to kill again, again,
Wanting to kill again.

They rushed so quickly up the stair,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They rushed so quickly up the stair,
And found these words when they got there,
"Enemies of the Heir, Beware!"
And the sight filled them all with chagrin, chagrin,
The sight filled them all with chagrin.

Thereunder hung the Caretaker's pet,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
Thereunder hung the Caretaker's pet,
As stiff as a board could ever get.
Old Argus Filch, he was quite upset,
And wailed in a hideous din, -ous din,
Wailed in a hideous din.

And when the Headmaster came by,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
And when the Headmaster came by,
He said Mrs. Norris did not die.
But was in a state of petrify,
And still had some life there within, within,
Still had some life there within.

They took her to Hospital Wing,
Sing Mrs. Norris is done in,
They took her to Hospital Wing,
Where Professor Sprout began to sing,
Said Mandrake Root was the very thing.
"It will cure her," she said with a grin, a grin,
And now, as the French would say, "Fin."

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Doctor Robert by the Beatles

FILCH:
Found her hanging from the wall, Mrs. Norris
When I saw her there I started to waul, "Mrs. Norris!"

Mrs. Norris. I am not going to pretend
She's my one and only friend
Did her life come to an end? Mrs. Norris

Dumbledore, he checked her out, Mrs. Norris
He told me without a doubt, Mrs. Norris

"Mrs. Norris, Argus Filch, she hasn't died
She was somehow petrified"
I sat there and cried for Mrs. Norris

Oh, no, no, she's petrified
Oh I know who did it
Harry Potter!

He was found at the scene of the crime, Harry Potter
This boy's in trouble all the time, Harry Potter

Harry Potter. He found out I am a Squib
Though I tried to keep it hid
But I know what he did to Mrs. Norris

Oh, no, no, Potter is lyin'
Oh, I know he hated Mrs. Norris

What am I going to do without Mrs. Norris?
What am I going to do without Mrs. Norris?
Mrs. Norris

A filk by Stickbook to the tune of Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder, on his album Songs in the Key of Life

SCENE: HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE are sitting in History of Magic. They are talking about the mysterious voices HARRY's heard. Outside the classroom they can hear PEEVES playing a trumpet.

HERMIONE:
Magic is a world within itself
With a language we all comprehend

HARRY:
That is so easy for you to say
You got a 98% again
(drops voice to a whisper)
In detention with Gilderoy
-He's such a nincompoop-
But I heard right away, to my dismay
That the voice started to move!

RON (to HARRY):
Can you hear it all over?
Can you hear it all over, Harry?
(whispers to HERMIONE):
Can he hear it all over?
Or could it be imaginary?

PROF. BINNS' boring lecture is nearly drowned out by PEEVES's trumpet outside

HERMIONE (raising hand):
All the books don't say a single thing
Oh, Professor, please explain this threat

PROF BINNS:
Here are some of Hogwarts' pioneers
And this is legend, let us not forget
There's Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw
And Godric Gryffindor
And with a monster like Sal's hiding out
Guess what the Chamber's for

HARRY (rather loudly):
I can hear it hunting Muggle-borns!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!
There's a danger that I've got to forewarn!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!

I can hear it hunting Colin Creevy!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!
Could that evil person really be me?
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!

PEEVES suddenly bursts into the classroom with his trumpet

HARRY (yelling now):
I can hear it hunting Hermione!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!
Does this have to do with that diary?
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!

Can't you hear it all over?
Can't you hear it all over Hogwarts?
I can hear it all over!
I can hear it all over Hogwarts!

RON and HERMIONE try very hard to look comforting, but it doesn't work so well. After a while PROF BINNS manages to oust PEEVES and his trumpet.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Golden Slumbers by the Beatles<

Once there was a team of Quidditch players
Once there was a team, for Gryffindor
C'mon, Harry Potter, you must fly
Watch out for that Bludger coming by

Golden Snitch is within sight
Reach your hand out, hold on tight
C'mon Harry Potter, you must try
But that Bludger keeps coming by

Once there was a team of Quidditch players
Once there was a team, for Gryffindor
C'mon Harry Potter, you must try
But that Bludger keeps coming by

A filk by Haggridd of the song The Baseball Game from the Clark Gesner musical You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown.

SCENE: Oliver Wood is relating the strange events that occurred during the 1992 Gryffindor-Slytherin Quidditch match (Harry's second year).

OLIVER WOOD:
There is no team, like the best team,
Which is our team right here.
Gryffindor team is the best team
In the Hogwarts Quidditch league this year.

And in no time we'll be big-time,
I just know our turn's come up;
For all we have to do is just beat Slytherin
And we'll win the House Quidditch Cup.

Dear pen-pal...

You'll never guess what happened today at the Quidditch match.
It's hard to believe what happened today at the Quidditch match.
I was the Keeper and Harry was Seeker,
The rest of the team was the same as always,
But somehow or other disaster struck at the Quidditch match.

Saturday morn, we got up quite early, our hearts were stout.
Eleven o' clock, and Madam Hooch let all the four balls out.
Slytherin quickly led sixty to nought,
We thought they could never be caught, I tell you
The Gryffindor Seven would never win if soon they didn't get hot.

Katie Bell scored by catching the Quaffle
And tossing it right through the hoop.
Angelina and Alicia Spinnet
Flew in a precise "loop-the-loop".

Fred and George Weasley, our Beaters,
Each wielded his Bat.
They tried to prevent either Bludger
From squashing us flat.

Harry looked up and then he caught sight of the Golden Snitch
Fluttering high way up in the sky of the Quidditch pitch.
Somebody tampered and made a Rogue Bludger
It hit him before he could twitch.

Dear pen-pal, I'm sure our Professors mean us no harm,
But when Gilderoy Lockhart was finished, Harry had no arm.

Yours in Fellowship,
Oliver Wood

A filk by Lilac to the tune of The Beatles' Carry That Weight

Boy, that Bludger sure had your name
Sure had your name upon it.
Boy, let Lockhart fix all your bones
Poof! No more bones? Oh, darn it!

DOBBY (to Harry in the Hospital Wing):
Harry Potter must go back home
Dobby had to close the wall to Sir's train
And Dobby gave that rogue bludger its bad brain,
Please go home!

HARRY:
Elf, you'd better get outta here
Get outta here before long!
Or, when all my bones reappear,
Bones reappear, I'll kill ya!

To the tune of My Special Angel by Bobby Helms

THE SCENE: The infirmary. DOBBY confesses to the bed-ridden Harry that he was the cause of his Quidditch injury

DOBBY:
I charmed a special Bludger
I don't use kid gloves
My spell piled down on you
To make sure push came to shove

You are my fav'rite wizard
You're so kind and wise
So although it seems absurd
It's you I'd pulverize

Elf life has improved since you shelved the Dark Lord
But dark plots would restore his reign
The Chamber's door is now ajar
So you must go home again!

But you refuse to budge here
You would guard your friends
But Dobby's wrong to judge here
My master I can't offend

Dobby said too much, so his head he'll bang hard
Just as he once ironed his hands
I've said myself, I'm such a bad elf
I don't mind my master's commands!

Dark powers bear a grudge now
It fills me with fear
I can't leave one small smudge now
Without clothes I'm no freer!
I've got to disappear!

With a cracking noise, DOBBY abruptly vanishes

A filk by Vocalion to the tune of Let Me Entertain You from the musical Gypsy

THE SCENE: SNAPE sings a little song to himself as he makes his way to the Great Hall to assist Lockhart at the Dueling Club.

SNAPE:
Let me Expelliarmus!
Let me make you squirm
I know quite a few spells
Some old and tried and true spells
You insipient, feckless worm
I'll use my tricks, see
And put your pixies
Where the sun don't shine
So, let me Expelliarmus!
And I'll have a real good time

Let me Expelliarmus!
Let me muss your hair
I'd like to hex your teeth out
I'll even get a wreath out
And bury you right there
And if you brag, dear
I'll bring a hag here
For a holiday sublime
So, let me Expelliarmus!
And I'll have a real good time

Let me Expelliarmus!
Let me watch you fry
I'll gladly curse your bones out
While you lay there letting groans out
I'll even Stupefy!
You won't get Skele-Gro
'Cause I'll say hell, no
You'll have to lay supine
So, let me Expelliarmus!
And I'll have a real good time, yes sir
I'll have a real good time

A filk by The Dark Evil One to the tune of Right Said Fred's I'm Too Sexy

SCENE: The Dueling Club scene

LOCKHART: (spoken): Let me introduce my assistant… Professor Snape! He has sportingly agreed to help me with a short demonstration! Now I don't want any of you youngsters to worry; you'll still have your Potions Master when I'm through with him…never fear…

The Snapester glides forward

SNAPE: (sings)
I'm too sexy for my cape
Too sexy for my cape
Snape, Potions Master…

I'm too sexy for my class
Too sexy for my class
So sexy, it's crass…

I'm too sexy for Hogwarts
Too sexy for Hogwarts
And Lord Voldemort…

I'm too sexy for your movie
Too sexy for your movie
The way I'm stealin' scenes, now!

I hate Lockhart
You know what I mean?
And I do my little turn with a half smirk…
Yeah, with a half smirk
With a half smirk, yeah
Then I'll do another turn with a whole smirk…

I'm too sexy for my nose
Too sexy for my nose
And all my black robes…

I'm too sexy for shampoo
Too sexy for shampoo
Far too sexy for you!

I hate Weasley
You know what I mean?
As I do my little turn with a half smirk…
Yeah, with a half smirk
With a half smirk, yeah
Then I'll do another turn with a whole smirk…

Too sexy for my
Too sexy for my
Too sexy for my

I hate Potter
You know what I mean?
As I do my little turn with a half smirk…
Yeah, with a half smirk
On the half smirk, yeah
I wave my little wand with a half smirk …

I'm too sexy for Rickman
Too sexy for Rickman
He's good, but…
Is he too old?

I'm too sexy for my cape
Too sexy for my cape
Snape, Potions Master…

And I'm too sexy for this club!

To the tune of Flowers on the Wall

THE SCENE: The Great Hall, where Professor Lockhart's dueling club is holding its premiere meeting

HARRY
We had a need, Lockhart decreed
To learn how wizards duel
But Snape outwit that hopeless git
He's such an utter fool
Some were afraid when Malfoy made
A snake poised to attack
But with a hiss I said, "Stop this!"
And it kept itself back

CHORUS OF HUFFLEPUFF STUDENTS (fearfully)
Secret powers held in thrall
Justin Fletchley saw it all
Harry Potter wants to slay
Anyone who's in his way
With his Parseltongue phraseology, he foments snakes
And Slytherin's heir is now wide-awake

HERMIONE and RON pull HARRY aside

RON (to HARRY)
It's appropos we did not know
With snakes you can converse
Now don't get mad, but this is bad
It couldn't be much worse

HERMIONE (to HARRY)
Lord Salazar, whose somber star
Still glitters in our school,
Won foremost fame when with the name
Of Parselmouth he ruled

HARRY (to himself)
Secret powers I've in thrall
I hear voices through the wall
With serpents I sometimes chat
What about the Sorting Hat?
Last year it told me that I should be in Slytherin
Looks like I'm the Heir - I just can't win!

HUFFLEPUFF STUDENTS
We greatly fear if we go near
That Potter guy again
We might witness how all go hiss
In Chambers' Secret Den

HARRY
But I'm not going to harm you!

HUFFLEPUFF STUDENTS
Don't believe what he just said!
He's the heir of Slytherin, that's the word from George and Fred.

Enter GEORGE & FRED

GEORGE AND FRED (tongues firmly in cheek)
Secret powers he's in thrall
Harry craves to kill us all
He will start his brand-new reign
Forcing folks to scream with pain
Look out, `cause we've some Serious Evil comin' through
He-Must-Be-Renamed as You-Know-Who-Two
He-Must-Be-Renamed as You-Know-Who-Two……………

Exit severally, with GEORGE and FRED escorting HARRY while laughing uproariously

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Hair by The Cowsills

GRYFFINDOR CHORUS:
Harry asked him why…

HARRY:
Why…. I'm a scary guy
They fear me day and (CHORUS) nighty night night
I gave my friends a fright
They watch me where I go

Don't ask me why… (CHORUS)Cause I don't know
Is it those words I sung
In Parseltongue
(HARRY/CHORUS)Tell me…

Am I Slytherin's heir?
Am I his heir?
Tell me I think everyone should think so
Could I be his heir? (heir)
Just like Voldemort now (heir)
Killed my daddy
Killed my mama
Can you tell me am I really his heir (heir heir heir heir heir heir heir)

Oh no
I think
That I really could be his heir

Well do I have what it takes?
Can I talk to the snakes?
Those are the signs of his heir
Do I have the keys to
The home for the Basilisk

I'm so worried
I'm lost for words
And I just can't help but wonder if I'm his heir (heir heir heir heir heir heir heir)

Am I?
Tell me?
Do you really think that I'm his heir

HERMIONE
I didn't know that you're a parsel
sort of thing is kinda rare now
If it's really really true
Than you'd get sorted Slytherin

HARRY:
Sorting hat he tried it
But I did debate it
Now I wonder if I'm tangled
In the wrong house cause
I wouldn't let him.

RON, FREG & GEORGE
Oh say can you talk to the snakes
If you can, than you are his heir

SEAMUS
Slytherin!

NEVILLE
Slytherin!

DEAN:
Slytherin!

DRACO
Slytherin!

DUMBLEDORE
You're not his heir
No, Voldemort put in you just a piece of himself

HARRY:
So I'm not Slytherin's heir
I'm not his heir
Although I have some of Voldy's powers
So I'm really not the heir (HEIR!)
It is Voldemort now (HEIR!)
`Cause I could pull the sword out
That means that I'm a
Gryffindorrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(dor… dor… dor… dor…. dor…. dor… dorrrrr….)
Know it
Show it
Long as I live, I'm a Gryffindorrrrrrrrrrrrrr………
(dor… dor… dor… dor…. dor…. dor… dorrrrr….)
(repeat)

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Prince Ali from Disney's Aladdin.

RON, GRED, FORGE, and LEE JORDAN continue to mockingly promote Harry as the Heir of Slytherin. They flank Harry and march down the hallway, chanting:

Make way! It's Heir Harry!
Say hey! It's Heir Harry!

GRED & FORGE, (singing)
Hey, clear the way through the Hogwart's halls!
Hey Cho!
Draco too!
All the guys and dolls!
Oh come!
Be the first from your House to hear his stance!

Hey Flint!
Better split!
Your Quidditch team quit!
Are you gonna fear his glance!

Heir Harry! Malevolent he!
Heir of Slytherin On your knees, begging him please
To hear your plea
Now pack your bags and get out
Or he'll make you scream and shout
And trust us, he won't show you one bit of mercy!

Heir Harry!
Nasty is he!
Heir of Slytherin
He could kick your sorry butt undoutedly!

He faced the flying key hordes
Beat McGonagall's chess board
He's best friends with the Dark Lord
That Heir Harry

He's got a great heap of golden galleons
Silver sickles
He's got many more
As for coins of huge denominations
Has he got a few!
I'm telling you, counting them's quite a daunting chore!

Heir Harry! Scary is he, Heir of Slytherin
Lightning scar, avoid a spar
'Cause he's deadly
If I were you, Hufflepuff
I'd give him all of my stuff
And whimper, grovel, and fear this Heir Harry

(Sung in counterpoint by various students, led by JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY):
There's no question this Harry is heartless
Never lily-livered, never gutless
Harry is a seriously evil wizard
He's a hexer, he's a fright, a curser!
And don't you dare call him a usurper!
Or he will transfigure you into a lizard!

HOGWARTS' STUDENTS:
He can cast all the Unforgiveables
(He casts those curses. Those dreaded curses)
When you see him you should turn and flee
(He's odious, so odious!)
And he plans to get rid of the Muggles
They clear out a path, fear his great wrath
But baddies promise loyalty to Harry! Heir Harry!

GRED AND FORGE, capering down the hall pretending to be terrified of Harry; their song is joined by the rest of the students at "Release some chimaeras, dragons galore"

Heir Harry! Spiteful is he! Harry wizard king
Yes his monsters are a sight fearsome to see!
Wizards and witches it's time, Secret Chamber open wide
Release some chimaeras, dragons galore
Lethifolds and trolls
And a manticore
Acromantula, nundu, demiguise
His quintaped ain't pretty!
Cower from Heir Harry!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Smuggler's Blues by Glenn Fry

JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY (sung just before the Basilisk attacked him):
There's trouble at Hogwarts this year
The writing's on the wall
Filch's cat was petrified
She was found hanging in the hall

Most everyone was shaken
By the message written there
"The Chamber Has Been Opened
Enemies Of The Heir, Beware!"
A grinning Malfoy pushed his way
To the front and said
"You all will be next, Mudbloods!"
And terror began to spread
I just stood there without speaking
My heart was filled with dread

Why does it have to be like this?
There is nothing we can do
Will you listen to my story?
It's the Muggle son's blues

The whispers and the rumors
The gossip and the talk
Walking to and from your classes
Afraid of being stalked
They say that Harry Potter
Was found there at the scene
He'd gotten Mrs. Norris
Because Filch was being mean
The monster from the Chamber
They say it can't be tracked
That first year Colin Creevey -
Now he has been attacked
Must have been annoying Harry
And he wanted to get him back

All the students here at Hogwarts
Wonder if it's true
The evidence is damning
It's the Muggle son's blues

At the Dueling Club last night
In front of everyone
Harry set a snake at me
And spoke in Parseltounge
I must be his next victim
He knows my profile
Ernie gave me this advice
Said, "Lay low for a while" "My name was down for Eaton,"
I told Harry when we met
The way he egged that snake towards me
Is a sight I won't forget
So although I may be a marked man
He hasn't got me yet
No, not yet

So now you know what it's like
To be standing in my shoes
It's a scary situation
It's the Muggle son's blues

Muggle son's blues

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of The Old Apartment by Barenaked Ladies

HERMIONE:
Broke into that old Snape's office
This is where he keeps his stuff
Those two boys, Ron and Harry
Will distract Snape while I search
This is where he keeps his stuff

It's Boomslang skin we need
To brew our Polyjuice
I wonder where Snape put it
This place is not very spruce

This is where he keeps his stuff
All his potions ingred'ents
All his nasty, slimy junk
These things belong to him
I think even that nasty funk

Broke into that old Snape's office
During an explo-si-on
Vials and bottles, phials and beakers
And all sorts of other junk
This is where he keeps his stuff

Why does he have this crap?
Why does he never clean?
I think I'd better hurry
Or he'll see me flee the scene

This is where he keeps his stuff
How is all the commotion?
How is all the confusion?
I hope Snape won't see me
And the Boomslang that I've taken

Now we can go and brew Polyjuice
And become a bunch of Slytherins
And find out if Draco is the Heir
I sure hope so!

This is where he keeps his stuff
Broke into that old Snape's office
Grabbed the Boomslang and I ran
Precious Boomslang, needed Boomslang
For our Polyjuice potion

I want that skin
This is where he keeps his stuff
I want that skin
This is where he keeps his stuff
I want that....skin

To the tune of Hat's Off to Larry by Del Shannon

THE SCENE: DUMBLEDORE'S Office. In the corner is Fawkes, an aged and decrepit Phoenix. Waiting alone, HARRY can't resist trying on the SORTING HAT again

HARRY
Once I wore the Sorting Hat
My head, it went upon it
I tried it on now another time
It put this bee in my bonnet...

SORTING HAT
Hat says to Harry, I know your Sort
I tell you Slyth'rin should be your first resort
You'd best Malfoy, you'd fill Snape with joy, joy, joy
If you signed up with the Slyth'rin crew

Fawkes ignites in a fiery blaze and dissolves into ashes

HARRY (shocked)
I think this place is weird.
That bird in flames just disappeared!

SORTING HAT
But there's one more thing I gotta say

Hat says to Harry, this may sound mental
But please make sure you're not too kind and gentle
You'll reach your dreams if you to learn to scheme scheme scheme
This ol' Hat gives good advice to you

HARRY puts the HAT aside with considerable alarm

HARRY
Hat off, says Harry, you gives me chills

Enter DUMBLEDORE, unaware of HARRY's conversation with the HAT. He is pleased to see that Fawkes' rebirthing has commenced

DUMBLEDORE
My poor old Phoenix bird, he's been so very ill
In ashes lies, but pretty soon he'll rise rise rise

DUMBLEDORE shows HARRY the fledging Fawkes rising from the ashes

ALL (including HAT)
Phoenixes don't say goodbye to you
To you........
To you........

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Skip to My Lou

HERMIONE
Disembodied voices, what should we do?
Petrified felines, what should we do?
Threatening messages, what should we do?

RON
Skip to the loo with Harry

TRIO
Skip, skip, skip to the loo
Skip, skip, skip to the loo
Skip, skip, skip to the loo
Skip to the loo with Harry

HARRY
Must investigate in the loo
Myrtle interrogate in the loo
Scorch marks, water puddles are some clues

RON
Clues by the loo with Harry

TRIO
Clues, clues, clues by the loo
Clues, clues, clues by the loo
Clues, clues, clues by the loo
Clues by the loo with Harry

RON (sarcastically)
Hates squibs and mudbloods, do you know who?

HARRY
Sounds like Malfoy, but how to prove?

HERMIONE
I'll bet we have to break lots of rules
Break lots of rules with Harry

TRIO
Break, break, break lots of rules
Break, break, break lots of rules
Break, break, break lots of rules
Break lots of rules with Harry

HERMIONE
Oh! I know! We'll make Polyjuice!
Mix it up right here in the loo!
I'll make my waterproof fire here, too.
Brew in the Loo with Harry

TRIO
Brew, brew, brew in the loo
Brew, brew, brew in the loo
Brew, brew, brew in the loo
Brew in the loo with Harry

HERMIONE (as she puts in the ingredients)
Lacewing flies and leeches, too.
Fluxweed picked on a bright full moon.
Powdered horn of bicorn, too.
Stirring the brew with Harry.

TRIO
Stir, stir, stirring the brew
Stir, stir, stirring the brew
Stir, stir, stirring the brew
Stirring the brew with Harry.

HERMIONE
Shredded skin of boomslang, oooohhh.
And bits of who you change into

RON
Tell me not Crabbe's toenails, eeeewwww!
Eeeww! in the loo with Harry

TRIO
Eeeww! Eeeww! Eeeww! in the loo.
Eeeww! Eeeww! Eeeww! in the loo.
Eeeww! Eeeww! Eeeww! in the loo.
Eeeww! in the loo with Harry

HARRY
Smells like rotten cabbage stew
Looks like greasy, slimy goo

RON
Should've knocked Malfoy off his broom
Than drink the brew here, Harry

TRIO
Drink, drink, drinking the brew
Drink, drink, drinking the brew
Drink, drink, drinking the brew
While in the loo with Harry!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of the Christmas carol Silver Bells

HARRY AND RON:
Here at Hogwarts, our school Hogwarts
Celebrating in style
The Great Hall's
Decorated for Christmas

With mistletoe
Enchanted snow
Having fun all the while
But later on we'll be breaking
Some rules

Polyjuice, Polyjuice
We'll change into Crabbe and Goyle
He'll confess, won't have to guess
If Malfoy is Slytherin's heir

Double attack, raised a panic
These attacks have to end
We suspect that it
Has to be Malfoy

Myrtle's toliet, we're duplicates
Of Malfoy's two best friends
We have only one hour
To see...

Polyjuice, Polyjuice
We'll change into Crabbe and Goyle
He'll confess, won't have to guess
If Malfoy is Slytherin's heir

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of We Three Kings

TRIO:
We three kids are trying to brew
Polyjuice in an empty loo
Nick and Creevey and Finch-Fletchley
Petrified, but by who?

Refrain:
O Heir of Slyth'rin's lair's unsealed
Where it is, that fact's concealed
Monster lurking, Draco smirking
This secret must be revealed

HARRY:
In the library we should find
A book there, but we're in a bind
Need permission for that section
Lockhart, I'm sure, won't mind

Refrain

HERMIONE:
Boomslang skin from Snape's private store
We must cause some kind of uproar
An explosion in a potion
Then I'll sneak through the door

Refrain

RON:
Crabbe and Goyle, a bit of them we'd
Have to find ere we can proceed
We will get these with drugged pastries
No toenails, we've agreed

Refrain

TRIO:
Potion's done, now we must comsume
To enter Slyth'rin's Common Room
How revolting, how we're molting
New bodies we've assumed

Refrain

A filk by Pippin to the tune of the Beatles' Something

The Scene: Moaning Myrtle's Bathroom, Christmas Day, 1992

HARRY and RON:
Something in the stuff she brewed
Has given us the perfect cover
Something in the stuff she brewed us

RON:
You look just like Goyle right now

HARRY:
I don't want to look and how

HERMIONE (from her stall)
One glass of this polyjuice
And I'll be going undercover
One glass and I'll (erp!) -- excuse me.

RON and HARRY:
She won't go with us to see
What's up with Hermione?

One hour later

HERMIONE:
So, did you find out who's the heir?

RON and HARRY:
We don't know, we don't know

HERMIONE:
I think this wasn't Millie's hair

MYRTLE:
Now you've got a tail, ho! ho!

HERMIONE:
Something in that stuff I brewed
Has given me a spot of bother
Something in the stuff has
-- Dear me!

I don't want to leave here now
I don't want to leave and how
(Meow! Meow! Meow!)
(Meow! Meow! Meow!)

To the tune of With Cat-Like Tread from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance

THE SCENE: The First Floor Girls' Restroom of Gryffindor A large cauldron sits in front of the restroom stalls. Enter HARRY, RON & HERMIONE, bearing ingredients for Polyjuice Potion, in furtherance of their mission to penetrate Slytherin incognito that they may interrogate Draco Malfoy about the Chamber

TRIO (very loud, with bold gestures)
With firm resolve
The Polyjuice we'll brew!
It really stinks
And from boogers take its hue!

Here's our intent:
We'll make just like Clark Kent
If in disguise
Slytherin won't get wise!

MOANING MYRTLE (off-stage)
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo

TRIO
They'll be filled with deep regrets
When we learn their Chamber Secrets
We shall new shapes assume!
Transmogrification
'Tis Calvin `n' Hobbes' elation
We'll take the form of goons
- To leave Slytherin's scheme in ruins

HERMIONE
Enough of this persiflage!
We'll instigate this mixture
Before these restroom fixtures

HARRY & RON
We'll don some camouflage
To do a little espionage!

MOANING MYRTLE (off-stage)
Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo

Reading from Moste Potent Potions, Hermione supervises RON and HARRY as they mix various ingredients into the cauldron

HERMIONE
Here is your knotgrass, then we add the fluxweed
Stir the lacewing flies - now a leech we will need
Powdered horn of bicorn, a boomslang's shred skin

The cauldron smokes convulsively, and finally settles. HERMIONE ladles the Polyjuice into three different cups

Finally, in each cup - just a pinch of Slytherin.

All three drops in a hair from the selected Slytherin resident. Exchanging a single glance and a nod, the three retreat into individual stalls. Several moments of silence. Then, the first door opens, revealing HARRY as Goyle. A moment later, RON emerges from the second door as Crabbe. Then after an extremely long pause, HERMIONE emerges - but not as Millicent Bullstrode........

HERMIONE
With cat-like fur
From the bathroom stall I steal

HARRY & RON (as Crabbe and Goyle)
Believe us, you look
As bad as you must feel

HERMIONE
I'm so confused
The hair I must have used
Came from some cat

HARRY & RON (as Crabbe and Goyle)
Can't Pomfrey fix that?

TRIO
We learn despite our toil
Just why Moste Potent Potions
Creates such great commotions

HARRY and RON (as Crabbe and Goyle)
But let's see if Draco Malfoy'll
Spill the beans to "Crabbe" and "Goyle."

Exit HARRY and RON, as HERMIONE retreats back into her stall. Myrtle's laughter echoes in the background

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of It Needs Work, from the Larry Gelbart musical City of Angels.

Scene: Moaning Myrtle's Lavatory. HERMIONE is trying to convince Harry and Ron (and herself) that it will be safe and effective to take the Polyjuice Potion. Moaning Myrtle just listens in silence

HERMIONE
The dreaded Boomslang beast,
We'd shredded skin it shed after it was deceased.
We stole Snape's private stores,
The powdered horn of the Bicorn was there.
You have to listen, guys,
The Lacewing flies must stew for three full weeks, at least.
So, we'll delay this tryst until
The Christmas Feast.
It must work.

I wheedled Lockhart, Ron.
It paid off when I played into his vanity.
Signed the permission slip;
His ego trip was more than I could bear,
Restricted section-bound
We found Most Potente Potions in the Library.
Its recipes were clear for anyone to see.
It must work.

We only have to add
A little "Goyle" in it,
A little "Crabbe" in it,
And some "Bulstrode" in it.
And since we put the best
Fruits of our toil in it,
We can't recoil from it,
Not if there be "night soil" in it.

Go to the Entrance Hall
And take these chocolate cakes up to the bannister.
I'm sure those greedy gits
Will gobble them to bits without a care.
So, if you want to flaunt your new-learned craft,
You'd better give those boys that sleeping draught.
You have to dare this task to get some of their hair.
You can't be shy; it's "Do or die!"
It must work.

We found old Mrs. Norris hanging by her tail.
And even worse, we thought that she had died.
When Argus Filch had seen her, he let out a wail.
But Dumbledore took him aside,
Said she was only petrified.

The writing on the wall;
The past has cast a blast of fear on one and all.
The Chamber opening,
And also warning "Enemies, beware!"
We've taken up the quest to stop this crime.
Since we've decided it's the proper time
To discover who is Salazar Slytherin's Heir.
Now hear me, boys, you can't be coy,
Or you will never fool Malfoy.
We've done our job, we'll trick that snob!
It must work.

Harry and Ron, reluctant but persuaded, proceed with their mission. After all her preparation, HERMIONE has decided not to come along, for some reason.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Paul Simon's You Can Call Me Al

HARRY (singing to Ron)
A boy walks down the hall
He says Why am I hearing these voices now
Why am I hearing these voices
The rest of my friends don't hear all.
I need a course in Parseltongue.
I want a shot at Salazar.
Don't want to end up a Slyth'rin
In a dungeon-like hall.
Polyjuice, Polyjuice.
Fluxweed in moonlight.
Far away from my Gryffindor.
Mr Slytherin, Slytherin
"Get the heir away from me."
You know I don't find this stuff amusing any more.

If you'll be the pudding-head
I can be the comic foil.
I can call you Crabby,
And Crabby, when you call me,
You can call me Goyle.

A boy walks down the hall
He says Why do I get this attention.
I get "Heir of Slyth'ryn" attention.
Can only take it so long.
Where's Ron and Hermione?
What if I die here?
Who'll hear the Slyth monster?
Now that the Slyth monster is
Gone, gone
He ducked back in the septic tank
With some roly-poly little pimply girl.
All along, all along
There were incidents of petrif'cation.
There were hints and allegations.

If you'll be the pudding-head
I can be the comic foil.
I can call you Crabby,
And Crabby, when you call me,
You can call me Goyle.
Call me Goyle.
A boy walks down the hall
It's a hall in a dungeon.
Maybe it's the Slyth dungeon.
Maybe it's his first time around.
He doesn't know the password.
He knows no prefects.
He is a Gryffin boy
He is surrounded by the Slyths
The Slyths
Malfoy with his newspost clipping.
Drawingrooms in Malfoy Manor.
He looks around, around.
He sees serpents in the architecture.
Polyjuice is wearing off
He says Pomfrey! and Stomach potion!

If you'll be the pudding-head
I can be the comic foil.
I can call you Crabby
And Crabby, when you call me,
You can call me Goyle.
Call me Goyle.

A filk by Meg D. to the song Lawyers, Guns and Money by Jimmy Buffett.

Scene: HERMIONE sings to herself in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom while she waits for Harry and Ron to come back from the Slytherin Common Room.

HERMIONE: (spoke, slightly yelled)
Send Aurors, Galleons and Magic
The spells have hit the fan.

Wincing to herself as her words echo, HERMIONE starts to sing

Well, I used magic on Snape
Just like I said I'd do
Oh, how was I to know
He wasn't out for Harry too?

Now, I'm hiding up at Hogwarts
Well, I took a major risk
Send Aurors, Galleons and Magic,
Harry, get me out of this

I'm always treated as a bystander
Somehow I got stuck
Between a cat and Millicent
And I'm down to my last knut
Yes, I'm down to my last knut
Oh, I'm down to my last knut
Yes, I'm down to my last knut

Now I'm hiding in a bathroom
I'm a desperate woman
Send Aurors, Galleons and Magic,
The spells have hit the fan
Send Aurors, Galleons and Magic,
Send Aurors, Galleons and Magic.

Hearing noises outside the bathroom, HERMIONE runs to the safety of the nearest stall

To the tune of The Rainbow Connection, from The Muppet Movie

THE SCENE: The Slytherin Common Room. DRACO is talking to Harry & Ron (disguised via Polyjuice as Goyle & Crabbe) about the Heir of Slytherin's identity.

MALFOY: I wish I knew who it is. I could help them.

HARRY: (As Goyle) You must have some idea who's behind it all ......

MALFOY: You know I haven't, Goyle, how many times do I have to tell you?

(music)
Why don't we know any
Thing besides rumors?
Why does the Heir have to hide?
We know he's vicious
He's spreading confusion
He fills us with Slytherin pride
I'd love to tell him how much I could help him
But I guess I must wait and see

Someday he'll make it
The Draco connection:
The plotters, the schemers, and me.

He'll make sure everyone
Who does not have pure blood
Would wish they had not been born.
Potter's the Heir, some say,
How could they believe that?
Who came up with that brainstorm?
See the Heir's brave strength,
We're on the same wavelength
Of where we think Hogwarts should be.

Someday he'll choose me:
The Draco selection
I'll become his first appointee.

All our school under his spell,
We know that it's truly Dark Magic....

Are you two half asleep?
Yes, I have heard Father
He says to keep my head down.
"We don't want secrets from our hidden chambers
Getting spread all over town."
There've been too many attacks to discount it
The Heir of Salazar now runs free.

Someday, we'll rule here:
Fear Draco's rejection,
Dear Granger, you'll be absentee.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire by Cole Porter

The song was made famous by Frank Sinatra in the film High Society, but the version I know is by Jones and Company, who had a bit of fun with it. Hope it scans.

THE SCENE: Harry and Ron, polyjuiced into the forms of Crabbe and Goyle, are loitering about the Slytherin common room hoping to get a confession out of Draco. To their surprise, he starts to sing:

DRACO:
Who wants to be the Slytherin heir? I don't.
Strangling roosters everywhere? I don't.
Who needs to murder ev'ry Mudblood ingrate?
Too much on my plate, to bother with hate.

Who wants to slither down the drain? I don't.
Who wants a robe with fecal stain? I don't.
Who wants to loiter in Myrtle's loo? I don't.
And I don't 'cuz I'm important too!

Who wants to be the Slytherin heir? I don't.
Who wants to aim a monster's stare? I don't.
Who wants to organize a major onslaught?
Without getting caught, oh, no, I do not.

Who wants a Chamber under far? I don't.
To be the heir of Salazar? I don't.
Who wants to be this mystery's clue? I don't.
And I don't 'cuz I'm important too!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of My Funny Valentine as performed by Frank Sinatra

SCENE: Valentine's Day...Lockhart, wearing lurid pink robes to match the decorations in the Great Hall, was waving for silence. The teachers on either