Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Snape's Other Worst Memory

Being forced to take part in the Teen Wizard Top Talent Contest under the name of "Little Sevvy Snape"... and coming in 87th place.

Image © 2003 Red Scharlach

See also our full-length OOP musicals: Haggridd's At 12 Grimmauld Place, Wendy's Hogwarts Story, Salazar's The Order, Caius Marcius' How to Succeed Against Baseness Without Even Dying, and SchmergoWeasley's The Phoenix of the Order, as well as our two Chapter 8 Trials by Wizengamot by Indigo Ziona and Caius Marcius.

A filk by Motone to the Prologue from Ragtime

HARRY POTTER
Fifteen years ago Father and Mother were killed in their house and I was sent to Little Whinging, Surrey, and before I attended Hogwarts, it seemed that my life would be nothing but misery.

WIZARDS AND WITCHES
The skies were dark and stormy
Evil was here. Evil was there

WITCHES
Ah ah ah ah ah!

WIZARDS AND WITCHES
The Dark Mark hung before me
Everyone fear everything there

WIZARDS
Ah ah ah ah!

ALL
And there was distant scheming
Evil and darkly abhorred
Giving the nation
A new thing for hatin'

The Death Eaters called him Dark Lord!

VOLDEMORT
Voldemort was alive. Very alive. His considerable lack of death was derived from the blood he stole from Harry Potter, as well as the support he had from his evil accomplices. Voldemort was also something of a snake.

SIRIUS BLACK
The house in the middle of Grimmauld Place was Sirius' domain. Molly took pleasure in making it inhabitable for the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius often told himself how much he hated the place and that he wanted to get back out into the world.

RON WEASLEY
Harry Potter's best friend Ron went to Hogwarts with Harry. He was a genius at chess. But he was also a young Prefect in search of some talent at Quidditch. His best friend wondered when he would find it.

SIRIUS' MOTHER
Sirius' mother had been a dark, Slytherin witch. Now dead and living in her portrait, she was thoroughly irritated by everything.

WITCHES AND WIZARDS
The lies were quickly printed
Harry's insane, Voldemort's gone.

SIRIUS
Kreacher with all my stuff

HARRY
The ball with wings of fluff

DEATH EATERS
Voldemort's such a stud
There will be no Mudbloods.

And everything was Dark Lord!
Listen to the Dark Lord!

UMBRIDGE
In Hogwarts, wizards and witches of disobedience remembered their problems and listened to and honored the rules of High Inquisitor Umbridge. This was a power that was her and no one else's.

FRED AND GEORGE
Two wizards thought her rules were daft. Their names were Fred and George.

STUDENTS OF HOGWARTS
Ooooh...

DUMBLEDORE
Albus Dumbledore was probably the oldest wizard in the country. He fought against Voldemort and spoke of the war in the future. He had no patience for the bumblings of the Ministry.

DEATH EATERS
Killing and torturing,
Azkaban escaping.
There'll be no Mudbloods
And there'll be no Muggle-borns.

SNAPE
In Hogwarts, a boy dreamed of a secret door in the Ministry. It was a dark journey, a terrible one. He had to open the door as others could not. His name was Harry Potter. He never spoke of his dreams. I was the only one who knew. Together, we would fight it.

HARRY
Arthur Weasley! They're killing him!

WEASLEYS
Oh.. no!
Oh.. no!

SIRIUS
Sirius Black was just one of the many wizards to secretly be in the Order of the Phoenix, along with Arthur Weasley. They were all very secretive.

SIRIUS' MOTHER
FILTHY HALFBLOODS! CREATURES OF FILTH! BLOOD TRAITOR!

SIRIUS
He made his mother mad. But for all his work, he knew he was a wanted man. He wanted to leave the house.

Hello, Harry.

HARRY
Watch out, Sirius!

UMBRIDGE
What did you say?

DA
And there was growing hatred
Changing the staff, changing our minds

DEATH EATERS
Giving the nation
Some new trepidation

WIZARDS AND WITCHES
Ah, ah, ah.

DEATH EATERS
La, la la.

LUCIUS MALFOY
Certain men make a country great.

DRACO
They can't help it.

LUCIUS
At the very apex of Slytherin Pureblood-

DRACO
That's the only ones worth living-

LUCIUS
Like Slytherin's heir, stand the Death Eaters.

DRACO
And the Heir himself.

LUCIUS
No men are born equal.

DRACO
And the purebloods rise to the top!

Flashback in the Penseive

LILY EVANS
Let me at those ignorant berks! Those gits are the ones who ruin everything at Hogwarts! I hate them!

REMUS LUPIN
Someone should date that woman!

LILY
The model student Lily Evans was the only one to stand up to the Gryffindor bullies, James Potter and Sirius Black, as she watched Severus Snape's despair turn to the Dark Arts in the dungeons of Hogwarts.

CHO CHANG
La la la
La la la la
Whaaa!

HERMIONE GRANGER
But Harry was watching another drama.

CHO CHANG
Cho Chang was the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts, according to Harry. If she played Quidditch, Harry played Quidditch.

HARRY
Her boyfriend was the eminent champion, Cedric Diggory, Seeker of the Hufflepuff team. Her crusher, the "eccentric" teenager, Harry Potter, was a brave man.

CHO CHANG
After Voldemort blasted her boyfriend, Cho became the saddest girl in Hogwarts since Moaning Myrtle.

WITCHES
La la la la la

VOLDEMORT
Ava...

WITCHES
La la la

VOLDEMORT
..da Ke...

WITCHES
La

VOLDEMORT
...davra!

CHO CHANG
And although the newspapers called the boy the Maniac of the Century, Cho Chang knew that Harry was right

ALL
And Voldemort was coming back!

CHO CHANG
Whaaa!

DEATH EATERS
And there was us escaping
Catching the nation off-guard
Mudbloods and Muggle-borns
They'll die and we won't mourn
Bowing to the Dark Lord!

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
And there is secret movement
Skipping a beat, singing a dream

WITCHES OF THE ORDER
La la la la

ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
A strong, insistent movement
Putting out heat
Picking up steam

WIZARDS OF THE ORDER
La la la la

DEATH EATERS
The sound of nearing power
Suddenly building our horde!
It was the power
Of a new beginning
A prophecy crashing
The Death Eaters winning
With money and masks
And evil and sword
We bow down to our Dark Lord...

Dark Lord!
Dark Lord!

Dark Lord!

A filk by Shay Caron to the tune of Angry White Boy Polka by "Weird Al" Yankovic

Scene: A stage suitable for the presentation of a play, with two sets of curtains -- the left Gryffindor-red, the right Slytherin-green -- both drawn shut. Mad-Eye Moody steps out to the center of the stage and faces the audience (i.e., you).

MOODY: I have been asked to inform the audience that tonight's presentation is a medley of scenes from the recently-released book Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, not necessarily in any intelligible order. If you have not yet read that book, what are you doing reading this, you idiot? You've got to be careful of spoilers! CONSTANT VIGILANCE, I tell you! [pause] Thank you.

Moody walks off-stage. The lights dim.

We begin on the left side, where the curtains open on our hero, Harry Potter, sitting in an empty classroom with hellspawn -- er, I mean, Hogwarts teacher Dolores Umbridge. Harry writes "I will not tell lies" on a sheet of parchment and winces as the words cut themselves into the back of his hand.

[Last Resort/Papa Roach]
HARRY: Cut my flesh into ribbons
This is my detention
Suffer desanguination
Don't give a --
UMBRIDGE: HEM!
HARRY: -- for her bloody fixation
This is my detention
But I'll never give up, never give in
Tell the truth, I'm not lettin' her win
I don't want fame, I never lied
It was no accident that Ced died
Nothing's alright, nothing is fine
'Cause Voldemort's alive now

The red curtains close. On the right side of the stage, the green curtains open on the Gryffindor fifth-year male dorm, where Harry has just woken up from a nasty dream.

[Chop Suey!/System Of A Down]
HARRY: Wake up!
RON: Wake up?
HARRY: Suddenly I dreamt an evil snake up
Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up
RON: Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up?!
HARRY: Now I really think that he's in danger
MCGONAGALL: [rushes in] Here you go, create another fable
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Suddenly you dreamt an evil snake up?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Started chewin' Mr. Weasley's leg up?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
MCGONAGALL: Now you really think that he's in danger?
HARRY: (Get Dumbledore!)
I don't think you trust
In the prophetic dream I had
Ron's dad just doesn't deserve to die, die, die
D-d-die die die die die
Hey!

Move to the left stage. Fred and George Weasley, prankster twins extraordinaire, fly on-stage on their broomsticks (a chain and iron peg still hang from George's broom). As they sing, they toss various Wheezes to the audience.

[Get Free/The Vines]
FRED: We're gonna get free
We're gonna get free
We're gonna get free
TWINS: Ride out of the school
GEORGE: Our sinister scheme
Our sinister scheme
Our sinister scheme
TWINS: Play her for the fool
(Prank here, prank here, prank here)
FRED: Some puking candy for ya
TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
GEORGE: Big swamp around the corner

TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
FRED: Explosions and disaster
TWINS: (Prank here, prank here, prank here)
GEORGE: [salutes] Our parting gift, Headmaster

Fred and George soar away and we look to the right side. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny are sitting in Ron's room at Grimmauld Place. Harry is facing away from the others, but Ginny stands close to him.

[Hate To Say I Told You So/The Hives]
GINNY: Do what you want, but you can't turn away from us forever
We can help you to cope with possession or whatever
Hate to snap you out of this (or not)
Got to snap you out of this [she smacks Harry upside the head]
Get over it, get a clue
'Cause I've suffered too

The lights dim and a spotlight lands on Harry, who faces the audience and sings.

[Fell in Love With a Girl/The White Stripes]
HARRY: Fell in love with a girl
I thought she liked me too, I was so elated
Cedric's still on her mind
Yeah, sometimes these feelings make me irritated
Cho's left me for that Corner dude
Yeah, well, nothing good seems to come from dating
I'm not looking for someone new
But I've got a funny feeling someone's been waiting, now
Ginny rolls her eyes

A sign appears that reads "Intermission". Both sets of curtains close. Sirius Black and Remus Lupin slowly walk on-stage, snapping their fingers to the beat.

[Last Nite/The Strokes]
SIRIUS: Last night
He said
"Oh, Padfoot, don't you feel so down
'Cause you're stuck in here
Oh, don't feel left out"
So I
LUPIN: (What'd you do?)
SIRIUS: Well, I turned around
LUPIN: (Right around)
SIRIUS: "Oh, Moony, gonna be alright"
LUPIN: (Gonna be alright)
SIRIUS: It was a great big lie
LUPIN: (Big old lie)
SIRIUS: 'Cause I left that night
Yeah

As Sirius and Lupin retreat, Luna and Neville step out from behind the green curtain. Luna looks vaguely at an issue of The Quibbler; Neville looks confused.

[Down with the Sickness/Disturbed]
LUNA: Ooh ah ah ah ah! [She somehow manages to make this sound dreamy.]

NEVILLE: "Ooh ah ah ah ah"?
LUNA: Ever hear of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack
Look out for nargle-infested berries
You know Sirius Black was a singer
All this stuff is really fascinating to me
NEVILLE: I don't believe in Crumple-Horned Snorkacks
I really don't think that mistletoe's full of nargles
I might believe that Black is a singer
All that stuff you read sounds kinda silly to me

The red curtain opens to show the Department of Mysteries, with all the Death Eaters clustered on one end and the Order of the Phoenix at the other end.

[Renegades of Funk/Rage Against The Machine]
DEATH EATERS: We're the secret evil guys, we're the secret evil guys
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: We're the secret hero guys, we're the secret hero guys

Both groups freeze as the green curtain opens. Hermione and Ron stand there, Hermione wearing several of her homemade hats, Ron in his Quidditch outfit, broom at his side.

[My Way/Limp Bizkit]
HERMIONE: This time got a dresser full of clothes

This time before anyone knows
S.P.E.W. is here to free elves
Yeah, free elves
Free elves from enslavement
This time gonna make a thousand hats
How you slave drivers feel about that?
S.P.E.W. is here to free elves
Yeah, free elves
[ding, ding] From enslavement

[Outside/Staind]
RON: But now I'm the Keeper
I'm panicking
I've been so awful
Can't touch the Quaffle
But if I could shape up
We could still win
I'll guard those rings yet
I'll be a King yet

Return to the scene on the left.

[Bawitdaba/Kid Rock]
DEATH EATERS: Expelliarmus Crucio Colloportus
Stupefy Protego Avada Kedavra
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: Expelliarmus Crucio Colloportus
Stupefy Protego Avada Kedavra

Both curtains close and the members of Dumbledore's Army walk onto the stage.

[Youth of the Nation/P.O.D.]
DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY: We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We are, we are
Dumbledore's Army
We're Dumbledore's bloody Army!
Yeah!

A sign appears and displays the words "Big Finish" before bursting into fireworks. Everyone steps out from behind both curtains, Harry in the front holding his wand like a microphone.

[The Real Slim Shady/Eminem]
HARRY: I'm H Potter, yes, I'm the real Potter
All you other H Potters are nothing but rotters
So won't the real H Potter please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up
'Cause I'm H Potter, yes, I'm the real Potter
All you other H Potters are nothing but rotters
So won't the real H Potter please, please
Please stand up
H. Potter, won't you please stand up?
DEATH EATERS: (Stand up, Potter)
HERMIONE: Stand up
ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: (Stand up, Potter)
RON: Stand up
DUMBLEDORE'S ARMY: (Stand up, Potter)
ALL: Potter, won't you please stand up?
HARRY: Hey!

The lights cut out.

To the tune of Good Morning, Baltimore from Marc Shaiman's musical (via John Waters) Hairspray

THE SCENE: Little Whinging. HARRY, hiding in Dursley bushes, complains of the apparent news blackout with respect to Lord Voldemort.

HARRY
Oh, oh, oh
Here on TV
Will they tell of He-Who-Can't-Be-Named?
Oh, oh, oh
Angry at all those
Who would Death-Eat
But stuck on this street
I listen for clues
On the Evening News
It's striking and baggage and
Chopper crash.
Oh, oh, oh
Rolling on out
Of the bushes in
Which I've been stashed

Where are you, Voldemort?
Why do you wage this phony war?
It is all such a mystery -
Why you aren't making misery?

Where are you, Voldemort?
Once again no owl from Dumbledore
But soon they'll all know it's fact
Voldemort came back

Oh, oh, oh
My Uncle Vern
Has lately discerned my hiding place
Oh, oh, oh,
He had his beefy hands 'round my throat
To loudly emote

Their son known as Dud
Hangs out with his buds
He tells his folks,
"I'm with mates drinking tea"
So, oh, oh
Don't make me laugh
Since their son's such a hard-core JD

Where are you, Voldemort?
Where's the evil we all abhor?
Where's the rat who his friends betrayed?
Where's the DEs poised to invade?

Where are you, Voldemort?
I will swear by Godric Gryffindor
The world's gotta wake up to learn
Voldemort's returned

I've letters from Herm
I've letters from Ron
All written as if I'm some moron
And even the missives from Sirius Black
All seem to assume that
I do not know jack!

Enter DUDLEY and his gang

DUDLEY & GANG
He doesn't know jack!

HARRY
So, oh, oh
Give me a break
'Cause I simply can't take it outside the loop
Oh, oh, oh
Something inside of me makes me curse
At letters too terse

At Dudders I yell
While my scar burns like hell
Just like a driller inside my head
Oh, oh, oh
I'll pay you back
For your cold-blooded murder of Ced

DUDLEY & GANG
His boyfriend, his boyfriend …..
Cold-blooded murder of Ced

HARRY
Where are you, Voldemort?
Saw you at the end of Year Four
Where is your virtuosity
In inflicting atrocity?

And I promise Voldemort
There's a day when
I'll mop up the floor
We'll see through what you've contrived
What you've contrived
Voldy, you're alive..

DUDLEY & GANG
The Boy Who Lived will not survive

HARRY
Voldy, you're alive..

DUDLEY & GANG
The Boy Who Lived will not survive

HARRY
Voldy, you're alive!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Cry Baby Cry by the Beatles (also here)

HARRY:
"I heard you cry.
Not this brave at night."
His face looked strangely triumphant...

Walking back to home now, it was night time
Took a shortcut with Dudley
Between the fence and garage, muffled footsteps
Then my cousin spoke to me:

"I heard you cry,"
He said with delight
"You're talking in your sleep, moaning.
You cried, Harry, why?"

A cold plunging sensation in my stomach
'Cause I knew Dudley had heard
I told him he was lying but he smiled
As he mimicked my own words

"I heard you cry
You know that I'm right
Sobbing for someone named Cedric
You cried, Harry, why?"

Then Dudley, acting nasty, smirked and asked me
If Cedric was my boyfriend
I told him then to stop it but his leering
And his jeering didn't end

"I heard you cry
How Cedric had died
'He's killed him, Mum and Dad, help me!'
You cried late that night"

I pointed my wand at him and threatened him
With fourteen years worth of hate
I wanted to curse Dudley right then and there
But I had to hesitate

My cousin cried,
"Who turned out the lights?"
I didn't cast any magic
So I wondered why

I, I realized
Dementors were nearby
Two of them were coming closer
'Cause I felt them glide

My, my, my
Cousin was terrified
He stared running right at them
Then I loudly cried:

"Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley come on back!

Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley, you have to come on back! Dudley come on back!

Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley, come on back..."

A filk by Stella to the tune of Blue Jay Way by the Beatles

HARRY:
There's a fog out side today
My cousin has lost his way
"I will knock you out" he says
Now I've lost my wand instead

Please don't stay long
Please don't you stay very long
Please don't stay long
Or we may have no souls

As my hands searched for my wand
I knew my time was almost gone
Dudley lay there on the street
A dementor he'd soon meet

Please don't stay long
Please don't you stay very long
Please don't stay long
Or we may have no souls

I said Lumos to my wand
Because my soul may soon be gone
Soon will be the break of day
Sitting here in Wisteria Way

Please don't stay long
Please don't you stay very long
Please don't stay long
Or we may have no souls

Please don't stay long
Please don't you stay very long
Please don't stay long
Or we may have no souls

A filk by Allemande to the tune of Kiss the Bride by Elton John

A DEMENTOR (just having fled from Little Whinging)
Well he looked a pig with a dreadful wig
I know he's still his mama's little boy
And as he whimpered and screamed I could tell he dreamed
Of the time he lost his toy
And when the Potter kid with his horrible spell
Set the beast on me that I so dread
I should have lowered my hood
I should have stayed where I stood
And this is what I should have said:

I wanna Kiss the guy, yeah!
I wanna Kiss the guy, yeah!
He's so sweetly pampered
He is mine, mine, mine
Don't say shoo, shoo
Say bye, bye, bye
And let me Kiss the guy, yeah!

When I Kiss someone I can feel the fun leaking out their tiny brain
And when I suck on their kind I know that their minds
Will never be the same again
But even Potter should know that this mighty troll
Would be no different without a soul
There will be no retreat
The next time that we meet
When I come out of my hidey-hole

I wanna Kiss the guy, yeah!
I wanna Kiss the guy, yeah!
He's so sweetly pampered
He is mine, mine, mine
Don't say shoo, shoo
Say bye, bye, bye
And let me Kiss the guy, yeah!

To the tune of Big Girls Don't Cry by The Four Seasons

THE SCENE: Wisteria Walk. Immediately following the dementor attack, HARRY is accosted by ARABELLA FIGG, who makes a surprising declaration.

HARRY (spoken): You're - you're a witch?
FIGG (spoken): I'm a Squib, as Mundungus knows full well…..

(music)
Figg girl can't fly
Figg girl can't fly

HARRY & (FIGG)
Fi-igg girl, you came by-yi-yi (I came by)
Fi-igg girl, tell me why-yi (I am your ally)
Figg girl (where's that Dungus guy?) Dungus guy?
(I will that man fry) That man will die!

MUNDUNGUS FLETCHER Apparates onto the scene

(FIGG) & MUNDUNGUS
(Dungy boy) I stood guard but had to sneak off
(Dungy boy) Cauldrons 90% off
(Dungy boy) Now she swings, and gives this cry:

FIGG & MUNDUNGUS
"Figg girl fists fly"

FIGG & (MUNDUNGUS)
Fi-igg girl fists fly-yi-yi (please don't fly)
Fi-igg girl fists fly-yi (she will terrify)

Perhaps (I was du-uh-umb) you were dumb
Dumb sap (I'll tell Dumb) yes, go tell Dumb

(Figgy girl) Shame on you, Dementors came
(Figgy girl) Poor Harry they'll blame
(Figgy girl) Dumble won't be satisfied

MUNDUNGUS, FIGG, & HARRY
I'm/He's horrified!

MUNDUNGUS & HARRY & (FIGG)
Fi-igg girl she's awry-yi-yi (I'm awry)
Fi-igg girl's still spry (I am not mollified)
Figg girl's still spry
Figg girl's still spry
Figg girl's still spry
Figg girl's still spry…….

MUNDUNGUS Apparates to Dumbledore while FIGG leads HARRY back to Privet Drive with Dudley in tow

A filk by Eustace Scrubb to the tune of You Can Leave Your Hat On by Randy Newman, covered by Joe Cocker and others

ARABELLA FIGG:
Dudley, pick yourself up...(right now)
Get up off of the ground...(now, you useless lump)
Harry, you pull him up, quick, quick, quick
You can keep your wand out
You can keep your wand out
Better keep your wand out

They could be back any time...Dementors, boy
This is just what Dumbledore feared…oy-veh!
Come now, Harry, no time to wait…keep up!
I could kill Mundungus
I could kill Mundungus
I could kill Mundungus
Oh I could kill Mundungus!

I'm going straight back home now
You stay in your aunt's house…don't move
Must wait for more instructions
There'll be hell to pay now
There'll be hell to pay now
There'll be hell to pay now

You can keep your wand out
You can keep your wand out
Better keep your wand out

To the tune of I Should Have Known Better by the Beatles

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. HARRY recieves a draconian decree from Malfalda Hopkirk of the Improper Use of Magic Office

HARRY (reading the letter)
"You should have known better
Than to cast a spell
In a place where all the
Muggles dwell.
You rebelled
Hey, hey, hey,
You're expelled!

"Whoa, oh, you shoulda realized
There's a penalty
When you infringe Section One-Three.
Wand will be made debris"

And now this tells me they are coming, oh
They wanna break my wand in two, oh
There is no way I'm gonna wait
This lad the coup is gonna flew.

As HARRY prepares to leave, a second owl flies in with a missive from Arthur Weasley

HARRY (reading the letter)
"So, oh, you should stay localized
Behind the Dursleys' door.
Retain your wand
Rely on Dumbledore
Stay indoors,
Hey, hey, hey,
Spell no more."

HARRY decides to remain, but is angered that he is not being kept better informed

Whoa, oh, does no one realize
What a Kiss can do?
Dudley's soul they would've chomped through.
Yes, it's true! They've no clue!

And now Art tells me that I oughta, oh
Calm down, let Dumble work things through, oh
OK, for now I'll toe the line,
But that guy had better write me too

You write me too….
You write me too….

HARRY of course, waits in vain for Dumbledore's response

To the tune of the theme from Green Acres

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. The final in a lengthy series of owls bears a message for Petunia

PETUNIA
Red Howler is addressed to me
An owl just made delivery
It dropped the letter on my head

HARRY
That's a memo
Whose message won't go unsaid

VERNON
Out, now!
In our house you can't stay
With all your magic disarray
I should have done this years ago
Voldything wants you
So move out of our chateau

PETUNIA & VERNON (noting the action of the Howler)
It smokes!

HARRY
No joke!

PETUNIA & VERNON
It burns!

HARRY (sticking his fingers in both ears)
Sounds stern!

HOWLER
REMEMBER MY LAST!

PETUNIA
OK, I'm steadfast.

ALL THREE:
We/They can't our/their nephew spurn!

Vernon strikes the ground twice with his pitchfork

A filk by OwL547 to the tune of I'm With You by Avril Lagvine.

HARRY is sitting on his bed wishing he were at the Burrow with Ron and Hermione and wishing he knew some answers about Voldemort

HARRY:
I'm searchin' for a sign
From any wizard kind
Is anybody here magical?
I need to know right now
If Voldy has come out
I'm about to have a cow

Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Will any one to take me to the Burrow?

It's a darn cold night
Trying to figure out if my scar's right
Have any Death Eaters been caught yet?
Have you found where Voldy's hidden?
I need to know.....
I need to know....

I hear somethin' downstairs
But who really cares
Nothing in this house is mine
Oh wait, it's Lupin
With Mad-Eye Moody and some friends
To come and take me awayyyyyyy

Its a darn cold night
Riding on the brooms out of sight
Taking me to Grimmauld place
To find out some answers now
I want answers...

Why is everything so confusing?
Why wont you just tell me what's happening?
With Voldemort and Death Eaters, Sirius says that it's OK
So please oh please tell me!

It's a darn cold night
Now I know part of what's right
I wonder what the secret weapon is
Me and Ron will discuss it secretly in bed
Secretly in bed......

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Hello, Muddah, Hello, Faddah

The scene - a lonely room on Privet Drive. A teenage boy is writing a letter.

HARRY:
Hello Snuffles, whatcha doing
Since the Voldie Great Renewing?
What's the number? I will phone ya
I'm so sick of hiding here in the begonia.

How's the Burrow? Warm and tender?
Where's Mundungus? On a bender?
I'm behaving, don't remind me.
Please, Godfather, no advice, just come and find me.

I'm so angry, stuck at Privet.
Think it's easy? Come and live it!
Longer letters, be a pal, Ron.
I'll send Hedwig to help out with beak and talon.

Dear Hermione, feeling spellish?
Life with Dudley here is hellish.
In a play park, on Wisteria
If you "Sonorus" and speak up I'll surely hear ya.

Rescue me, I'm ready early,
Set me free, I hate the Dursleys,
Don't leave me out in the suburbs, where
I might go barking crazy there.

Take me home, I'm begging, Molly
Just find me an out-bound trolley.
I can't live with Vernon's Muggle freaks,
I've been here four long weeks.

Wait a minute, what's that crashing?
Is it robbers come for slashing?
Mad-Eye Moody, without Barty!
It's some friends who organized a rescue party!

Happy faces, here to spring me.
What information did you bring me?
Pack to fly with Tonks and Lupin
So it's "Good-bye messy room" and no more droopin'.

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of We Gotta Get Out Of This Place by the Animals.

MOODY:
In this quiet old part of the suburbs
Where they don't say magic's name
Aurors say there ain't no use explaining

Now my boy, you're young and lively
But I now must caution you
You'll be dead if you aren't careful too

If we die you keep a-flying
You must live another day
The rear guard are waiting to fly away
Oh yes, I know it.

(Yeah!) The rear guard are waiting
(Yeah!) We'll be flying too, Harry
(Yeah!) Let us fly away
(Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah!)

We gotta get to Grimmauld Place
If it's the last thing we ever do
We gotta get to Grimmauld Place
The Order of the Phoenix is waiting for you

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of All Together Now by the Beatles

MOODY & (THE ADVANCE GUARD CHORUS):
One, two, three, four
We've been sent by Dumbledore
Five, six, seven eight, nine, ten
To get you

Tonks, Doge, Jones, Vance
We're not taking any chance
Podmore, Lupin, and Kingsley
(seeing the signal of green sparks) There's our cue

(bom bom bom bom-pa bom) Do not stop

(bom-pa bom) If we're slain

(bom-pa bom) The Rear Guard

(bom-pa bom) Will remain

*Fly together now (Fly together now!)
Close together now! ( Close together now!)
Fly together now! (Fly together now!)
Close together now! (Close together now!)

Up, down, left, right
We'll protect you when in flight
Front, rear, and circle all around
Surround you

*repeat

(bom bom bom bom-pa bom) Need more height

(bom-pa bom) Double back

(bom-pa bom) Stay alert

(bom-pa bom) For attack!

*repeat until you work yourself into an ecstatic frenzy

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Friendship from Anything Goes by Cole Porter

MOODY: (spoken)
Lower that wand, boy! You'll take someone's eye out!
HARRY: (spoken)
Professor Moody?
MOODY: (spoken)
Yeah, but I didn't get around to teaching, now did I?
LUPIN (spoken)
It's all right, Harry. We're going to take you away
HARRY: (spoken)
Professor Lupin?
LUPIN: (spoken)
Yes, that's me
TONKS (spoken)
Turn on the lights and tell him who we are and what we're doing!

The lights go up, and in the dim light, we see the Advance Guard with Moody, Lupin, and Tonks at the front. The group enthusiastically begins to sing, with the rest of the Advance Guard providing elaborate background dancing

MOODY:
Well, the Dursleys have treated this all wrong
TONKS:
So I sent them for a prize for their lawn
LUPIN:
But there is none, so when they come home to grumble
You'll be gone

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards have failed in their job
We won't be the slob!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS
Order of the the Phoenix
Advance Guard

LUPIN:
Bet it's really been a bit of a shock
TONKS:
To have a bunch of wizards here on your block

HARRY nods, and puts his wand in his back jeans pocket

MOODY: (to Harry)
If you ever put your wand there again then
Gone's your buttock!

HARRY quickly removes his wand from the pocket

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards have showed they don't care
We will still be there!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix
Advance Guard

MOODY:
Now you better not ask anything here
LUPIN:
We will tell you it all when the coast's clear
TONKS:
'Cause you never know who's trying to spy or
Ta-ake in a peer

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
While other guards may not be discreet
Our secret's kept neat!
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix
Advance Guard

LUPIN:
We'll be on brooms and I know you fly swell
TONKS:
So let's go pack now Harry-

TONKS trips as she walks upstairs with HARRY

Darn, I fell
MOODY:
Damn, my eyeball's gotten stuck in one spot as well
What the hell?

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards let things get them down
We'll still be around

HARRY and TONKS return a few minutes later with all of his belongings

TONKS:
Wow, I really like your broom, don't you know?
MOODY:
When I Disillusion you, you won't show
LUPIN:
I left a letter to your aunt and uncle, now
It's time to go

ADVANCE GUARD:
Advance Guard, the Guard
Helping you long and hard
When other Guards would just take a rest
We will be the best
MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS:
Order of the Phoenix-

The three all say different words simultaneously

MOODY:
Vigilance
LUPIN:
Aa-aroo
TONKS:
Wotcher, yeah

The three stare at each other in confusement, and then argue at each other very quickly, talking over the ends of each other's sentences

TONKS (spoken)
"Aa-aroo"? You said you don't even like howling!
LUPIN: (spoken)
Well...
MOODY: (spoken)
We're not saying "wotcher". "Vigilance" is more important.
LUPIN: (spoken)
You become too crazed with the "vigilance" thing.
MOODY: (spoken)
I don't!
TONKS: (spoken)
Well, what do you propose?
LUPIN: (spoken)
Just howl. I'm not saying that.
MOODY: (spoken)
Think of something else!
TONKS: (spoken)
I'm right, just do what I do!
LUPIN: (spoken
Hurry up, we're supposed to sing again!

Quickly, they join the rest of the Advance Guard in singing

ADVANCE GUARD:
When other guards would just take a rest
We'll still be the best!

Stubborn in their ways, MOODY, LUPIN, and TONKS finish the last three syllables of the song at the same time with their own words

MOODY:
Vigilance!
LUPIN:
Aa-aroo!
TONKS:
Wotcher, yeah!

ALL (except HARRY)
Just call the Order of the Phoenix and
Get ready to fly
We're the secret organization that
Aims to make Death Eaters die
The bird praised by old Herodotus and Paul's pal Clement
That's the symbol we have adopted here
That's we've co-opted here, our main event
Time to fly, you're gonna leave home again
For the Order has been sent

PODMORE: When you get an owl from Hopkirk saying turn in your wand
VANCE & TONKS: When you first react with panic and make plans to abscond
JONES & MOODY: Then retreat into your bedroom to despair and despond
LUPIN & SHACKLEBOLT: Then it's time to respond
To these magical bonds

ALL (except HARRY)
Just call the Order of the Phoenix and
Get ready to rise
Nymphodora and Alastor Moody
Head this list of your allies
Emmeline, Hestia and Dedalus of the Advance Guard
Kingsley, Sturgis, and Remus L. again
All will be well again, Doge will bombard
Spread your wings, you now will leave home again
With our veterans battle-scarred

TONKS & PODMORE: Hail the bird that from the ashes rise
ALL: Phoenix! Phoenix!
MOODY & DIGGLE: It's the bird that knows of no demise
ALL: Phoenix! Phoenix!
VANCE & SHACKLEBOLT: See it rise triumphantly into the air
With its plumage just as multicolored as Tonks' hair
LUPIN, DOGE & JONES: Its song of valor serving to inspire us, Phoenix! Phoenix!
We dare of what duty requires us, Phoenix! Phoenix!
ALL: Share the danger of the flight with us
Climb away into the night with us
Stalwart Aurors here to fight with us
Find a safe harbor tonight with us.

MOODY (spoken) We don't brake ranks for anything, got me? If one of us is killed...

TONKS: (spoken) Stop being so cheerful, Mad-Eye, he'll think we're not taking this seriously.

LUPIN: (spoken) Mount your brooms, that's the first signal
SHACKLEBOLT: (spoken) Second signal, let's go!

ALL (music): When the Order comes your way!

HARRY & The Order ascend on their brooms

HARRY (soaring skywards):
I'll join The Order of the Phoenix to flee from Privet Drive
Nymphodora, Remus and Alastor
Guarantee that I'll survive
Woke up in a state of misery, wound up A-OK
Pack my owl, my trunk, and my broom again
Ready to zoom again, show me the way
Disillusioned, gonna leave home again
For today I've met the Order....

ALL (rapidly ascending)
Be proud to say you/I called the Order
Fly right this way to join the Order
Just stick a banner on your/ my wand and
Call the Order like you/I wanted to
Like you/I always wanted to
Fly away!!

Exuent omnes, on broomstick, toward London

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Don't Cry For Me Argentina from Evita

The Scene: TONKS is upstairs helping Harry pack.

TONKS:
Hey! Wotcher, Harry!
Don't think I'm strange
As I try to explain how I change
With a natural-born talent... Met-a-morph-a-gus
You don't believe me?
All you see now is just one of the guard
You'll soon see me screw up my face
As though I am thinking too hard

I like to make it happen,
I like to change.
Couldn't stay all my life with brown hair
Since I'm born with this talent to change with the wind
So I chose violet
But I think that it makes
my face look rather peak
It takes just a moment or two...
Now, look - it's bubble-gum pink!
Just don't call me Nymphadora
My fool of a mother named me
Just use my surname
It's Tonks, so simple
Bet you wish you could
Hide scars and pimples

As for the Dursleys'
They search in vain
For the Lawn Competition Awards
From a letter I faked and sent through Muggle post
A grand illusion
And just the solution
We needed tonight
To get them all out of the house
Now let's get you ready to ride!

Just don't call me Nymphadora
`cause Tonks suits me so much better
Wand in your pocket?
Both buttocks on still?
Glad Mad Eye's socket
Is newly refilled...

She waves her wand and quickly packs Harry's trunk

Is that everything?
At least it's in -- I just threw it all in pell-mell
It's not very neat;
I never got the hang of those householdy spells!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Honky Tonk Women by the coolest band in the world (Besides the Beatles)

HARRY:
I met a red-haired girl down at the Dursleys'
She said (TONKS) "You look like James 'cept for the eyes"
She asked me if her hair looked good in violet
TONKS:
Cause I just can't seem to get the color right.

HARRY:
It's that clumsy Tonks woman
Can't make, can't make, make up her clumsy Tonks mind

An Auror in the Order of the Phoenix
She stumbled over and fell on her behind
Hermione ,Ginny Weasley sat there laughing
She changed her nose just when she changed her mind

It's that clumsy Tonks woman
Can't make, can't make, make up her clumsy Tonks mind
(Yeah! All right!)

Sirius jumps in with a magical guitar and Lupin joins him on saxophone for a solo

HARRY/WEASLEYS, SIRIUS, MOODY, & LUPIN
It's that cluuuuu…/clumsy Tonks… clumsy Tonks/…umsy Tonks Woman
Can't make, can't make, make up her clumsy Tonks mind. It's that cluuuuu…/clumsy Tonks… clumsy Tonks/…umsy Tonks Woman
Can't make, can't make, make up her clumsy Tonks mind.
Woo!

To the tune of The Big Dollhouse from Marc Shaiman's musical Hairspray

THE SCENE: Grimmauld Place in London. The Order of the Phoenix, with Harry in tow, arrives, and prepares to summon forth number 12.

THE OOP:
We're gonna get in
We're gonna get in
We're gonna get in
We're gonna get in our shelter
Our harbor
This grim old place!

KREACHER steps forth, between numbers 10 and 13 Grimmauld Place

KREACHER (spoken): Wizards and witches, Order of the Phoenix, Master Potter, welcome to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, centrally located here at 12 Grimmauld Place. My name is Kreacher, and I'll be your house-elf this evening. Think of me as your most devoted and obedient servant……of the Dark Lord!

MOODY (music, giving a note to Harry)
Step up and just say,
"Albus sent me."

12 Grimmauld Place magically appears

LUPIN
The Order of the Phoenix
Hangs out here rent-free

TONKS
We have ev'rybody here
Since we made it our base

SHACKLEBOLT
It's an ancient house

ALL OOP:
And a grim old place!

Enter all into the 12 Grimmauld mansion

HARRY
Beard of Merlin,
What smells so rank?
Looks like the den
Of some foul Death-Eatin' crank

MOODY
We can hear Phinny laughing,
Though we can't see his face.

PHINEAS (ducking his head into a frame just long enough to sing his line)
'Cause you'll never keep me framed….

ALL PORTRAITS
…In this grim old place.

KREACHER & ELF HEADS
Grim place!

HARRY
There's elf heads on the wall

KREACHER, ELF HEADS & PORTRAITS
Grim place!

LUPIN
And snakes

TONKS
And shrieks

MOODY
Dark halls!

MRS. BLACK
My son lets all you filth visit,
For shame and disgrace!

Enter SIRIUS

SIRIUS
Mother, just shut your trap….

ALL
….In this grim old place!

The Portraits all begin yelling and screaming at once

SIRIUS (to Harry)
Yoo hoo, my family's a little evil
They served the Dark Lord
In a red-hot fever

MRS. BLACK
You betrayed our honor,
Our nation, our race!

Sirius closes the curtains, effectively silencing her

SIRIUS & OOP:
It's curtains, Mom,
In this grim old place

Enter Hermione & The Weasleys - Molly, Ron, Ginny & the twins

HARRY (shouting)
HERM `N' RON
I HAVE GOT TO COMPLAIN!!
ALL OF YOUR CORRESPONDENCE HAS
HAS BEEN TOO MUNDANE!!!

HERMIONE & RON
Hey, though you're livid
We're glad to embrace
Our grand old pal
In this grim old place

Harry remains standoffish

KREACHER, ELF HEADS & PORTRAITS
Grim Place!

HARRY (shouting)
NO NEWS! NO OWLS!

MOLLY (to the twins)
No ears!

KREACHER, ELF HEADS & PORTRAITS
Grim Place!

RON
Dumble told us, "Don't interfere,
`Cause on Privet Drive
He needs his space.
So don't send no news of this….

ALL
…..Grim old place!"

Enter a swarm of doxies and boggarts. Hermione and the Weasleys take defensive measures

HERMIONE
Harry, I hope you'll
Take my meaning
We ain't had fun
We've been busy cleaning

MOLLY & GINNY
We're trying
To wipe out every trace….

HERMIONE, WEASLEYS & CHORUS OF DOXIES AND BOGGARTS
…..Of doxies and boggarts from
This grim old place!!

FRED (displaying a pair of Extendible Ears)
Hey, cool it, Harry
Just drop the caps
Why don't ya come and check out
Our killer apps?

GEORGE
These wheezes of Weasleys
Now will set the pace.

FRED & GEORGE (each pocketing a doxy)
We'll earn big galleons
Thanks to this grim place

ALL
Grim place!

HERMIONE & RON
You've come in from the cold

ALL
Grim place!

FRED
But he's still ticked….

GEORGE
…he wasn't told

Kreacher pulls back the curtains from Mrs. Black so she can participate in the grand finale

ALL (except Harry)
Harry Potter, he's angry
And this grim old place
This grim old place
This grim old place
Ain't half as grim as he!
As he!
As he!

HARRY
AS ME!!!

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Hotel California by the Eagles

12 Grimmauld Place: Everybody's choice vacation spot!

HARRY: We had flown half the nighttime,
The Order who had saved me.
The chilled charm Disillusionment
Cloaked me invisibly.
We landed on an old street,
Dirtied with a grimy sheen.
We walked up the derelict rows,
Beside eleven and thirteen.

As I stood in the doorway,
They handed me a note.
They told me to not speak a word
Until I'd learned it all by rote.
Then we stepped in the doorway,
Beside a troll umbrella stand.
There were voices down the corridor
Loud enough to understand:

MRS. BLACK: Welcome to House Most Ancient and Noble.
Such a grim old place,

PORTRAITS: Such a grim old place,

MRS. BLACK: At 12 Grimmauld Place.
Not so welcome at House Most Ancient and Noble.
If you aren't a Black,

PORTRAITS: If you aren't a Black,

MRS. BLACK: You'd better watch your back.

HARRY: In dashed my godfather,
Faster than I'd seen him run.
He slammed the curtains shut
On the one that he called "Mum."
The gas lights lit with a loud hiss,
And on the way to our beds,
We passed family portraits;
We passed House Elves' heads.

In my room there was a portrait;
He had and I had a fight.
He said:

PHINEAS NIGELLUS: You young people are so infernally convinced that you are absolutely right!

HARRY: And still that portrait is shouting from the floor below;
Someone knocks over the umbrella stand,
And you hear her bellow:

MRS. BLACK: Welcome to House Most Ancient and Noble
Such a grim old place,

PORTRAITS: Such a grim old place,

MRS. BLACK: At 12 Grimmauld Place.

HARRY: They're the purest of pure at the House Most Ancient and Noble.
All my enemies,

PORTRAITS: All your enemies,

HARRY: Span the family tree.

Doxies in the curtains;
A House Elf in his nest.
Sirius said:

SIRIUS: I'd never dreamed I'd be back here
Even now that Mum's at rest.

HARRY: In his mother's old chamber,
He cares for Buckbeak.
In the fireplace down below,
His elf lies tongue-in-cheek.

Christmas before the battle,
I had been dreaming of that door;
Never realizing that it was a scheme
Connected to my godfather, who I warned.
"Relax," he had told me.
"I'll be just fine."
I blame the House Elf for his death;
Part of the family's foul design.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Yesterday; Here, There and Everywhere; and Wanderlust by Paul McCartney (a medley from' his Give My Regards to Broad Street

I found it highly amusing that on the tape the dialogue before the song starts is: "You don't think Harry'd go and do a stupid thing like that, do you?" "Yes, I do."

The scene: 12 Grimmauld Place after Harry's arrival.

HARRY (to the tune of Yesterday)
Grimmauld Place.
Hiding in an odd enchanted space.
Secret kept from the whole Muggle race.
Now I've arrived at Grimmauld Place.

Look at me!
I'm the centre of this mystery,
But no one here will enlighten me.
I'm mad, and I've a right to be.

So, before I blow, I must know
Each last detail.
No one sent an owl- I cry "foul"-
Nor Muggle mail.

Hermi'ne-
You and Ron know what this means to me,
Yet your letters were all substance-free.
What kind of friends are you to me?

GEORGE AND FRED: (to the tune of Here, There, and Everywhere)

GEORGE:
Evesdropping is your right, and we've a plot of our own.

Hear, with an Extendable Ear.
Over the stairwell, you'll hear what they've planned,
Why we've been banned,
And whether You-Know-Who's near.

FRED:
We use them everywhere,
Though we realize that some think we're not playing fair.
But since when has prudence been our greatest care?
We have got info to share.
Each one receiving each murmur and sigh.
Give it a try.
We know they are meeting there.

BOTH:
We can hear there and everywhere.
Hear there and everywhere.

GINNY: (to the tune of Wanderlust)
Take a few dungbombs.
Throw them down to see.
If they bounce, then the door is charmed.
Tonks showed that to me.

Try some more dungbombs.
Let no one else see.
Mum finds out- she'll make a fuss
And yell angrily.

GINNY'S CHORUS:
Fly now, nice dungbombs.
Help us now to see.
Fly now, nice dungbombs.
Do it for Harry.
Nice dungbombs.
Oh, they bounced upon the door.
This one's not to be.

CROOKSHANKS: (singing the countermelody)
Oh, how did they know what I love?
How nice of them to throw them from above.
I'm just so glad they found the time to play.
Throw more dungbombs my way!

GINNY repeats her CHORUS.

GINNY AND CROOKSHANKS sing the CHORUS and countermelody as a duet.

CROOKSHANKS:
I'm so glad I'm here just in time
For dungbombs thrown to me.

Ginger, clearing the desk of the Half-Filked Song before the Half-Blood Prince arrives.

A filk by Kirstini to the tune of The Philosopher's Drinking Song by Monty Python.

NOTE: The title change from the original is necessitated by the well-documented fact that Americans will not sing a filk with the word "Philosopher" in the title.

HARRY: Is anyone going to bother telling me what the Order of the Phoenix - ?
HERMIONE: It's a secret society. Dumbledore's in charge, he founded it. It's the people who fought against You-Know-Who last time.
HARRY: Who's in it?
HERMIONE: Quite a few people -
RON: We've met about twenty of them...

HERMIONE (Music):
Nnnnymphadora Tonks can change her conk
Whenever she feels able

RON:
Alastor, Alastor is a paranoid old bastard
Who can look right through the table.
Sturgis Podmore will go through the wrong door
And officially become the first prisoner of war.

HERMIONE:
Dedalus Diggle may make you all giggle,
But his wizarding skills are fabled.

BOTH:
There's nothing Hestia couldn't `fess to ya
'Bout the swishing of the wrist.
Kingsley's busy coaxing other Aurors to enlist...

RON:
Mundungus Fletcher could probably fetch yer
Tentaculas off the back of a Mediwizard stretcher,
Remus J, so they say,
Gets a little bit hairy every twenty-eighth day.

HERMIONE:
Arabella, Arabella cannot do a magic spell-ahh!
Hagrid's fond of a dram

BOTH:
And Severus Snape in his batwing cape.
Is a greasy, hook-nosed ham!

THE READER (to herself)
Sirius, himself, is particularly missed,
A real shame that the bookies weren't expecting that plot twist!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of You Oughta Know by Alanis Morissette

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. Harry addresses Ron and Hermione with mounting anger

HARRY:
I just want to know what has been going on
Four weeks away from the Wizarding World
No one's been talking to me
Now I'm feeling quite angry
The tension has been almost unbearable
Dementors came after me
I had to save ol' Dudley
But my actions just got me deeper in trouble

The note the Ministry informed me
That I had been expelled 'cause of the spell I cast though I could have
died, oh yeah
And I'm so glad Mundungus left
If he hadn't they wouldn't have sent
For me this very night, it's not right
I want to know why!

I've been there at the Dursleys
Hiding in bushes list'ning for some news
I've been scared 'cause my worst dreams
About Voldemort's return have come true
I, I, I want to know

Dumbledore could have kept me informed
Does he think I can't take care of myself?
Who saved the Sorcerer's Stone? who met Riddle alone?
And who saved both of your skins from the Dementors?
Who faced dragons and that maze? and who saw Voldemort raised
In the graveyard with all his Death Eaters?
I learned at Privet Drive how that I've
Been followed all this time and it seems that you've known this all the while, oh yeah
And each time I wrote Sirius
Despite my entreaty he'd treat me
Like I was a child, I'm not a child!
My mind's going wild!

Now I'm here at Grimmald Place
Wond'ring what Voldemort's gonna do next
And I hear how in this space
They keep hid the Order of the Phoenix
I, I, I want to know!

Ahhh...

You forget easily if it wasn't for me
No one would have known that Voldy
Had returned this time - no you wouldn't
Regardless of this fact they act as though everything's just fine - but it isn't
I resent it!

At least you've had each other
Must have been great fun while I was alone
Reading news from the papers
That I nicked from bins at the Dursley's home
I, I, I want to know!

And I know, from your letters
You swore you could not tell me anything
But you owe me some answers
'Cause I have no clue 'bout what's happening
I, I, I want to know!

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Get Over It by the Eagles

A tuneful version of Harry's CAPS LOCK rant in OOP

HARRY:
I wander around, and what do I see?
A load of Dementors coming straight for me
I'm getting no response from everybody else
Not getting news that you're keeping to yourselves
Dumbledore this, Dumbledore that
Being pursued by Mrs. Figg's cat!

I'm tired of it!
I'm tired of it!
All these secrets and meetings whilst letting me sit
I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it!

You know I fought through a great maze and faced
Voldemort alone
And I went and saved the Philosopher's Stone
The more I think about it, I've saved both your skins
I thought you were loyal, but Dumbledore wins
You're all having fun, you never sent me an owl
But Dumbledore could have told me somehow!

I'm tired of it!
I'm tired of it!
All this leaving me out, I don't like it a bit!
I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it!

All I hear are lame excuses every time I hear you speak
Hedwig had enough of your 'Order' clique
Over your hands, marks of her beak

You know nothing much but more than me
You're telling me none, our headmaster's decree
Followed without knowing, and then left in the dark
Got suspended from school saving Dudley in the park
You're cosy living here, I had to wait and stew
I got rescued in the end but that's no thanks to you

I'm tired of it!
I'm tired of it!
All these secrets and meetings whilst letting me sit
I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of it!
I'm tired of it!
If you lot don't want me, then why don't I quit?
I'm tired of it, I'm tired of it!

A filk by Ravenclaw Chaser to the tune of the Brad Paisley song of the same name

SCENE: RON and HERMIONE are telling HARRY about The Daily Prophet's slander and the Wizarding World's general opinion that he is milking his fame for all it's worth.

HARRY:
Thanks to Voldy, I'm famous
Do I enjoy it? Well, no.

RON:
These days, you wouldn't know it

HERMIONE:
Thanks to the Prophet show

RON:
They say you love the attention

HERMIONE:
You think you're a great hero

RON:
They say you want to be worshiped

HERMIONE:
And just boost your ego

HARRY:
'Cause when you're a celebrity
It's adios normality
You try to tell the truth
They think you are a fool
'Cause of the Ministry

HERMIONE:
Their just using all of the stuff
About you that Rita made up

RON:
They say you've gone insane
You blame it on the fame
And that you can't get enough of
Being a celebrity

HERMIONE:
They only slip you in
Like you're a standing joke

HARRY:
But the only reason I'm in there
Is Voldy killed my folks
Now that the Dark Lord's back
Wizards need to stand up strong
But how can I tell the truth
When they all think that I'm wrong?

Cause when you're a celebrity
It's adios sanity
No matter what you do
When the world needs a clue
You know they won't agree

HERMIONE:
Fudge has kept the Prophet quiet
About dementors in Privet Drive

RON:
If your trial goes down the drain
Things will go insane
There's no escape this time
Though you're a celebrity

HERMIONE:
There's no case against you if they follow the laws
On the Statute of Secrecy

HARRY:
But, if I lose, I'll be expelled
Wand snapped, exiled
And the Prophet will have
A field day!

'Cause when you're a celebrity
It's adios reality
It's the world who's gone insane
I'm going to clear my name
Then they all will see
I hate being a celebrity
Yeah, celebrity

A filk by Stickbook to the tune of Politik by Coldplay, on their wonderful album A Rush Of Blood To The Head.

SCENE: HARRY has just arrived at 12 Grimmauld Place and been reunited with his friends, but is still angry.

HERMIONE:
Every Daily Prophet page
Has a mention of your name
What they're saying's a disgrace
And it happens every day

HARRY:
Wait a moment, I was there
When Albus warned us to beware
Dumbledore told Fudge that this
Is no time for politics

HERMIONE:
Open up your eyes!
Open up your eyes!
Open up your eyes!

Albus has no evidence
Fudge is totally convinced
That he wants the Ministry

HARRY:
All for listening to me?
I'm not cracked, I told the truth
Of the return of You-Know-Who!

HERMIONE:
They say you're a lunatic
All because of politics

Open up your eyes!
Open up your eyes!
Open up your eyes!
You know we're on your side

HARRY:
Nobody bothered to tell me what, tell me what's going on
Nobody cares what I've been through, been through all summer long

A filk by Jill to the tune of Stevie Wonder's Superstition

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. RON, HERMIONE, FRED, GEORGE, & GINNY update HARRY on the situation with Percy.

Percy is ambitious, wants to have it all
Thinks he's got the answers, he's in for a fall,
Ministry for Magic, they have got it wrong
You-know-who is back now, they'll know it before long.

In his quest for power he's blind to the truth,
He's misguided,
Blind ambition ain't the way.

Percy is ambitious, he is such a git,
Thinks Harry's the problem, we know he's legit,
He got a promotion, he thinks he's so cool
But Fudge is gonna use him, and he'll look like a fool.

In his quest for power he's blind to the truth,
He's misguided,
Blind ambition ain't the way, yeh, yeh.

Percy is ambitious, he thinks it's the way
If he doesn't wise up, his prospects are gray,
Ministry for Magic, they have got it wrong
Voldemort is back now, can't hide it before long.

In his quest for power he's blind to the truth,
He's misguided,
Blind ambition ain't the way, no, no, no.

A filk by Gail B. to the tune of Roxie from the soundtrack of the movie Chicago.

MOLLY:
These things are all over the place
We're teeming with Doxies
We need to remove every trace
Of these nasty Doxies

Some may mistake them for a fairy
But then
You would do well to take care
You have to recognize their wings
Their arms, their legs, their teeth, their hair

Behind the curtains of this room
There's a nest of Doxies
So while we're cleaning up the dirt

Beware of this dangerous sprite
They have a vicious little bite
Doxies, Doxies hurt!

(spoken) Kids...?

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
We're gonna squirt this Doxicide
To stun all these

MOLLY:
Doxies
I'll shoo them out from where
They hide
Then `Good bye' to

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
Doxies

MOLLY:
When they emerge
All of them will surge forward
So be ready to aim and spray

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
Here they come
Flying from
The curtain

FRED AND GEORGE:
We'll save us some

MOLLY:
You will throw those things away!

Their bite is quite poisonous
So look out for - what?

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
Doxies

MOLLY:
Everyone here please stay alert

In Lockhart's Guide to Household Pests
The author on page nine attests
Doxies, Doxies hurt!

WEASLEY CHILDREN, HARRY, HERMIONE:
Doxies
Doxies
Doxies...

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Moonlight Cocktail, a song that was dying to be filked with all the places to add potion ingredients. The words are by Kim Gannon, music by Lucky Roberts. It is probably best known by Glenn Miller and his Orchestra, but the version in my head is by Jones and Co.

I had to eliminate a syllable from Tentacula (Tentac'la) to make it scan.

FRED & GEORGE have a new wireless jingle advertising their new snackboxes.

FRED & GEORGE alternate lines:
Couple of eggs from a doxy, and asphodel.
Powder a horn of erumpent and stir it well.
Give to a couple of slackers, and they will tell:
Students hail our new Snackboxes.

Now add a couple of knarl quills, some murtlap too.
Simmer a couple of hours, 'til it turns blue.
Seeds of venemous tentac'la-just one or two.
All Snackboxes have a few.

Pop a purple as you please.
Classtime hours can be devoted to your ease.
You'll soon learn to fake a sneeze.
The orange completes your Weasley Wizard Wheeze.

Why sit through Binns' boring lectures, when you can be
Living a life of contentment where you'll be free?
You will find new-found refreshment and say "I see!
These Snackboxes are for me!"

A filk by Miranda Shadowind to Another Brick in the Wall, Part I by Pink Floyd

I finally finished filking Parts I and III of Another Brick in the Wall! Part III took me the longest, since although I figured out what scenario to use I had some trouble portraying it. Including Harry's smashing frenzy fits, given the crash sound effects on the original track.

I've also come up with an appropriate series title for all three parts: The Phoenix Walltz Trilogy (typo deliberate).

SIRIUS:
Harry's clear, he's back in school,
Leaving me in misery
A fugitive trapped in my ex-house,
No one here but that damned elf and me...

KREACHER:
Filthy, traitorous master is he!

SIRIUS: (points threateningly at KREACHER)
All in all you're just, the next head for the wall,
Soon enough you'll be, the new head on the wall

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of The House of the Rising Sun

SIRIUS:
There is a house in Grimmauld Place
In which live the "Toujours Pur,"
And though in ruins, it reminds me of
The way the old times were.

The only thing I was ever taught
Was that blood was only good pure.
I didn't believe a word of it;
I wasn't meant to be "Toujours Pur."

I resisted heartily
But my brother did not do the same.
So it was I who was the failure;
The stain on the family name.

My mother did disown me
But leaving was my choice.
I couldn't stay a minute more
In that place where I had no voice.

If I had listened to what mother said,
I'd have turned out evil, I say.
Thank Merlin I got out of there;
I'm free and on my way.

Oh my brother, oh my cousins:
Of my mother, don't listen to her!
She'll only bring you misery
In the House of Toujours Pur.

Now, times they are a-changin';
The dark ways have come back.
Ironically, the Order's base
Is in the Noble House of Black.

Going back to Grimmauld Place;
Things feel as the way they were.
I'm stuck back here in my old Hell:
The House of Toujours Pur.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of It's De-Lovely from Cole Porter's Anything Goes

Sirius decides to take Harry on a tour of the House of Black. Sirius can't help but express his lack of excitement for it

SIRIUS:
The house is black, it's just no fun
And if I were you, I'd turn and run
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous

It's okay if you don't know why
You'd want to stay here, 'cause nor do I
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous

Yet it's the perfect place
For the Order to meet face to face
'Cause I doubt anyone would come here otherwise
What a surprise

There's no way I could ever love
This house 'cause all it reminds me of
It's appalling, it's atrocious
It's so outrageous, it's incongruous
It's demented, it's so bizarre, it's grotesque
It's horrendous!

Sirius and Harry have now reached the part of Grimmauld Place around the portrait of Mrs. Black. Remus comes down the hallway and tells them to be quiet

REMUS:
Padfoot, don't be so loud around
Right here you know you shouldn't make a sound
SIRIUS:(loudly)
Hey Moony, will you shut your trap?!
I'm showing Harry this crap!!!

Sirius is too loud, and this causes Mrs. Black to start screaming

REMUS: (sarcastically)
Padfoot, you stay quiet so well
You got your mother to come shriek and yell
SIRIUS:
Moony, go bite yourself
I'll make her shut up but give me some help

MRS. BLACK:
Damn mudbloods and halfbreeds!!!
Scum and bloodtraiting brat!!!
All of you better leave!!!

Sirius and Remus close the curtain. Sirius gestures at the portrait to Harry

SIRIUS:
My mother's here, she yells and screams
She's stuck forever, and that's so mean
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous

We'll have to decontaminate
This house I hate, it's in a bad state
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's horrendous

You can tell with one peer
It's awful to be stuck living here
You can hear my dreadful mother shrieking all day-
MRS. BLACK: (comes out from behind the curtain again)
Filth, scum away!

Sirius closes the curtain again, then leads Harry through the rest of the house. When the tour is over, they are back near Mrs. Black's portrait, and Harry realizes that he doesn't like the house much either

HARRY: (getting steadily louder)
I certainly do see your point
The reason why you despise this join
It's appalling, it's atrocious, it's-

Sirius quickly covers Harry's mouth before Harry gets too loud and causes Mrs. Black to start screaming again. Harry sings again in a whisper

HARRY:
It's horrendous

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of He Was My Brother by Simon and Garfunkel

SIRIUS (with an acoustic guitar)
I had a brother
Regulus was his name
Pride of our mother
A much better son she'd often say

Lies he'd follow
Believed that Purebloods were better
Right little hero
He joined Voldemort and his Death Eaters

I heard how Regulus died
Got in too far, he had some doubt
Murdered by Voldemort
Because he wanted to back out

I had a brother
Now I am the last Black left
He soon discovered
It's a life time of service or it's death, oh God!
A life time of service or it's death

To the tune of Bobby and Jackie and Jack from Sondheim's Merrily We Roll Along

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. Canonically, this scene is actually between SIRIUS and HARRY only, but I needed a third voice, hence HERMIONE'S presence.

HARRY
1995 …

HERMIONE
It's 1995 …

SIRIUS
And man, what a bad year it's been!

ALL THREE
So many terrors,
Such horrors it has brought,
We hardly know where to begin:
There's Voldy and Barty,
And Cedric Diggory

HERMIONE
Achieving victory

HARRY
But now he's history …

SIRIUS & HERMIONE
Harry keeps dreaming
And Hopkirk's owl came in.

HARRY:
And my scar hurts again.

ALL THREE
Good bye then to Four Privet Drive,
At least till the end of Book Five.

SIRIUS unveils a tapestry showing the "Noble and Most Ancient House of Black"

SIRIUS:
Grimmauld that we enter
Is as cheerful as dementors -
Thanks to my dark Black Family
Toujours
C'est Pur .

HARRY:
There's Reggie

HERMIONE:
And Old Mother Black.

ALL THREE
With a Sticking Charm on her back:
There's Aram and Phin and Elladora

HARRY:
Plus Alphard

HERMIONE:
Narcissa

SIRIUS:
Andromeda

HARRY:
And what's-her-name - ?

HERMIONE:
Pansy?

HARRY:
No, no, nada -
The one in the Pensieve -

HERMIONE & SIRIUS:
The one in the Pensieve?

HARRY:
LeOdd…LeWeird….

SIRIUS:
LeStrange.

HARRY:
That's it!

ALL THREE
The family tree goes way back,
And here's the most salient fact
This one was a pureblood and Slytherin
And that one was pureblood and Slytherin
The rest are all purebloods and Slytherins -
With half-bloods they never used tact,
Not Reggie and Old Mother Black
And Bella and Ell and Aram and Al and Reg and Dad and Andy and Narcy and Phin
And the others all raising this terrible din
Such noise!
And the Malfoys

Segue to the kitchen, where MOLLY leads her four youngest children in a vigorous clean-up campaign

MOLLY AND WEASLEY CHILDREN
We're changing the style of the Black House.

MOLLY
I'm cleaning it up for a start.

GINNY & RON
We're making it into a Phoenix attack house
To battle the Dark Lord's Dark Arts.

FRED & GEORGE
Evenings of some shady deals with Mundungus
And Snape making snarky reports.

MOLLY
I'll get old Kingsley Shacklebolt
To dine with us and tackle all the
Meatballs made in our food court

RON:
Together?

MOLLY
He'll lend such perfect support.

FRED:
Moody will show photos
Of those who've decomposed

RON:
And Podmore reads memos all day…

GINNY:
….To the morphing
Nymphodora-
The stylish young Auror-
Just don't say her first name or she'll hex you six ways!

MOLLY AND WEASLEY CHILDREN
We're changing the style of the Black House
Begone to each boggart-ish fear

MOLLY:
Get rid of the Doxies -

RON:
They sting a guy real bad.

GEORGE (aside to FRED):
But save some for toxins -
They prankish appeal have.

GINNY:
And soon we'll see Diggle…

FRED:
And Lupin!

RON & GEORGE:
And dear Dad!

WEASLEY CHILDREN (aside, from MOLLY)
And later, when the coast is clear,
Get out the Extendable Ears!

The WEASLEY CHILDREN dissolve in laughter. Segue back to SIRIUS, HARRY & HERMIONE

HARRY:
Now Father

HERMIONE:
And Old Mother Black.

ALL THREE
Some family branches subtract

SIRIUS:
Weasleys are off-limits, yes, that whole crew

HARRY:
And that includes Arthur -

HERMIONE:
- And Molly who-

SIRIUS:
Had Charlie and Ginny -

HARRY
-And Ronald too-

HERMIONE:
- And then there's the Dog Star -

SIRIUS & HARRY
Dog Star?

SIRIUS:
-Pluto-?

HARRY
Lassie?

HERMIONE:
You know - !

HARRY:
Padfoot!

HERMIONE:
Yes!

ALL THREE
As all the paintings get packed
Our house-elf is having attacks.

HERMIONE:
But Dumble says treat him with great respect

HARRY
His rights and his privileges please protect

SIRIUS:
But it would be more fun to wring his neck -
That worthless old family hack-

ALL THREE
For he will not forfeit
Not one of the portraits
Of Reggie or Old Mother Black
Or Bella or Ell or Aram or Al or Reg or Dad or Andy or Narcy or Phin
Or other Blacks in stacks and stacks and stacks
And stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks -
The Grimmauld Place at Number 12
Is home to one pack-ratting elf.

A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Summer Nights from Grease

FUDGE: Doing magic - the boy has a past.
HARRY: Saw Dementors, happened so fast.
DUMBLEDORE: I have a witness, as you can see
FUDGE: You have a Squib's testimony
Muggles see - breaks our decree
ALL: Breaking magical law
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…

BONES: Tell me more, tell me more, did your charm have a shape?
UMBRIDGE: Tell me more, tell me more, why'd they let him escape?

FIGG: Dementors running - gave me a fright
BONES: Dementors running - glided, more like
HARRY: I saved his life - he was nearly kissed
FUDGE: This story's flaws could not be missed
Dementors loose? Cooked your own goose
ALL: Breaking magical law
Well-uh well-uh well-uh

UMBRIDGE: Tell me more, tell me more, lie some more if you dare…
DUMBLEDORE: Tell me more, tell me more, were they ordered right there?

FUDGE: No Dementors are out of control
HARRY: Those Dementors could have got my soul
DUMBLEDORE: They're all loyal to 'You know who'
FUDGE: We'll have no more nonsense from you!
You're deranged - and laws can be changed
ALL: Breaking magical law
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…

DUMBLEDORE: Tell me more, tell me more, why'd you have a full trial?
FUDGE: Tell me more, tell me more, have you not seen Potter's file?

DUMBLEDORE: You have a witness - the truth can be found
FUDGE: We have a witness - but she isn't sound
BONES: I will ask her - question some more
UMBRIDGE: You know this Squib - she's such a bore
She's so fake, it makes my head ache
ALL: Breaking magical law
Well-uh well-uh well-uh…

BONES: Tell me more, tell me more, these Dementors, how tall?
FUDGE: Tell me more, tell me more, can you see them at all?

FIGG: It turned colder, this warm summer night
Shivering shoulders - misery, fright
FUDGE: It sounds false - made-up somehow
BONES: It sounds true - what to do now…
ALL: Dementors loose gives an excuse for breaking magical law…
Tell me more, tell me more!

To the tune of Go Tell It On the Mountain

THE SCENE: The Atrium of the Ministry of Magic. HARRY, rejoicing in his exoneration, repays a promised debt.

HARRY:
Go spill it in the fountain,
Empty the bag of every coin
Go spill it in the fountain,
I will not be expelled.

When I came to this hearing
I thought all hope was lost
I cried, "O Brethren, spare me!"
I don't care what it costs.

Go spill it in the fountain,
Ev'ry Knut & Galleon
Tho' the tension was mountin'
I will not be expelled.

The statues look quite foolish
Non-humans cringe and bow -
No time to be a critic!
To them I made my vow

Go spill it in the fountain,
Ev'ry Knut & Galleon
Don't even bother countin'
I shall not be expelled.

It says that to St. Mungo's
All proceeds will be sent.
For charity this quarter
I will not be outspent

Go spill it in the fountain,
I'll go back to Hogwarts School
Go spill it in the fountain,
I have not been expelled.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of She Loves You by the Beatles

When Harry and Mr. Weasley returned from Harry's hearing at the Ministry of Magic, everybody felt so relieved. Fred, George and Ginny started doing a kind of war dance, singing a little song that went something like this:

FRED, GEORGE & GINNY:
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah

He went to his hearing
It was earlier today
And we were all fearing
That injustice would hold sway
But then he got off
We were worried just a tad
Yeah, he got off
But now we're feeling really glad

They wanted him expelled
On charges they contrived
Dementors he repelled
On the street called Privet Drive
But then he got off
We just heard from dear ol' Dad
Yeah, he got off
And we bet that Fudge was mad...oooo!

He got off, yeah yeah, yeah
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
Like we knew he would
He's going back to school

The Ministry's unfair
At him they threw the book
But Dumbledore was there
He got him off the hook
Oh yeah, he got off
The Minister is a cad
Yeah, he got off
Why should Sirius look sad?....oooo!

He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
He got off, yeah, yeah, yeah
Like we knew he would
He's going back to school
Like we knew he would
He's going back to school
Like we knew he would
He's going back....
To school!
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

A filk by A filk by Indigo Ziona to the tune of Queen's We Are the Champions

As sung by Harry, having a mope.

HARRY:
We've broken rules, time after time
I've been to a hearing, but committed no crime
And our housepoints, I've won a few
I had to navigate around a great maze
But I've come through

Ron is a prefect - no fair
I've been in a basilisk's lair
Ron is a prefect
Ron is a prefect
I feel such a loser
'Cause Ron is a prefect over me

I've taken my blows, and my famous scar
It's bought me fame and fortune and everything that goes with it
But it's been hard
Still no-one supposes that I get the blues
I was given a challenge before the whole of my school
And I didn't lose

But Ron is a prefect - no fair
In lessons we might just compare
Ron is a prefect
Ron is a prefect
I won't act the loser
But Ron is a prefect… over me

Ron is a prefect - no fair
I wish that I knew why I care
Ron is a prefect
Ron is a prefect
For once, I'm the loser
'Cause Ron is a prefect…

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Birthday by the Beatles

HERMIONE:
They've made me a prefect!

HARRY:
They've made Ron one, too yeah

HERMIONE:
They've made Ron a prefect?

RON:
My name's here on this letter

FRED & GEORGE(to one another):
There must be a defect
In the selection method

FRED:
Oh they've made Ronald a prefect. Perfect

GEORGE:
But our brother's intellect is suspect

FRED & GEORGE:
I just hope he doesn't expect respect

MRS. WEASLEY (coming into the room, excited):
This is wonderful news! Prefect!

FRED & GEORGE (to one another):
What a big whoop-de-doo

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect! I am so proud of you! Prefect!

FRED & GEORGE:(getting more and more angry):
Ooooo!

MRS. WEASLEY:
I'll buy you something new! Prefect!

FRED & GEORGE:
Gonna sp-sp-sp-spew!

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect!

RON:
Could you get me a broom?

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect!

FRED & GEORGE:
Spew!!!!!

(to Ron, after their mother leaves)
They've made you a prefect
We can't neglect you, Ron
Want us to genuflect?
We used to have a good time
But the both of us suspect
Those days are now through

With a loud cracking noise, the twins disapparate out of the room

A filk by Josh Riddle to the tune of Janis Joplin's Mercedes Benz

Scene: Molly just asked RON what present he would like as reward for being made a Prefect.

RON:
Oh Mom, won't you buy me a Cleansweep Seven?
My friends all have broomsticks, I must make amends
Been poor all my lifetime, more so than my friends
So Mom, won't you buy me a Cleansweep Seven?

Oh Mom, I can play with the twins and Harry
That Quidditch House Cup is calling out to me.
I dream I'm the hero each night when I sleep
So oh Mom, I can play with the twins and Harry!

Oh Mom, I can take out my girl on the town
She's counting on me, Mom, so I best not let her down.
Show her that I like her when I buy the next round
Oh Mom, I can take out my girl on the town!

Oh Mom, won't you buy me a Cleansweep Seven?
My friends all have broomsticks, I must make amends
Been poor all my lifetime, more so than my friends
So Mom, won't you buy me a Cleansweep Seven?

To the tune of O Little Town of Bethlehem

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. HARRY is less than receptive to MOODY'S display of an old photograph of the original Order of the Phoenix

MOODY:
O, Riddle's whims bought death to them
Who fought him in the war
You see them pose in my photos,
The OOP before.
Here is Caradoc Dearborn
Who somehow disappeared.
Poor Edgar Bones got laid out prone
And Elphie's hat looks weird

Voldy himself slew Meadowes,
McKinnon felt his spleen
Benjy Fenwick, poor chap, then quick
Got blown to smithereens.
O mourned we hard together
With tears and deep unease
When Gideon and Fabian
Were slain by five DEs

HARRY notices Peter Pettigrew standing alongside his parents

HARRY
How secretly, how secretly
Did Pete his plans keep hidden
That dirty rat sold Mum and Dad
To do the Dark Lord's biddin'
No one knew what was coming,
Especially not Black
In his crew cut no scuttlebutt
Warned him of Pete's attack.

O, Voldy's whims bought death to them
In Moody's photograph
I at this date can't calculate
Who'll have the final laugh.
Moody was downright eager
To give this show-and-tell
His Polaroid made me annoyed
It's unforgivable!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Dead Skunk by Loudon Wainright III

The Scene: The House of Black. Molly just opened the writing desk to get rid of the boggart and she begins wailing because the boggart takes the shape of her family…. Dead. Harry walks in to see himself dead on the floor and Mrs. Weasley crying…. Lupin bursts in and asks "What's going on?"

HARRY:
Cleaning the Black House late last night
She shoulda let Mad-Eye, he coulda done right
She opened up the writing desk… drawer
The thing popped out and there you are

You got your dead Ron in the middle of the floor
Dead Fred in the middle of the floor
Dead George in the middle of the floor
Makin' her cry, Lupin

LUPIN:
Take a happy thought, don't make a fuss
Whip out your wand and Ridikkulus!
You don't wanna look and you don't wanna see
Cause it's the death of your whole family

HARRY
You got your dead Ron in the middle of the floor
Dead Fred in the middle of the floor
Dead George in the middle of the floor
And it's makin' her cry Lupin

Well, you got your dead Percy, you got your dead Bill
On a moonlight night when Voldemort will kill
Got your dead Harry and your Arthur too
The worries and fears, will make you go "boo-hoo"

You got your
Dead Ron, in the middle
Dead Ron, in the middle of the floor
Dead Ron, in the middle of the floor
Makin' her cry Lupin
Oh this stinks!

You got it he's dead
He's in the middle
Dead Ron in the middle
Dead Ron in the middle of the floor
Makin' her cry Lupin

LUPIN
Oh Ridikkulus!
Get outta here man

Oh it's just a boggart!
It's gone!
It's disappearin'!
And you don't have to cry cry Molly

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Lola by the Kinks

GINNY:
We saw her sitting there in the compartment
Where she was reading an article about runes-ah
R-U-N-E, runes-ah
Neville mumbled low, but I said, "It's alright"
Then we went inside that's when I said to her, "Hiya, Luna!"
L-U-N-A, Luna ...Lu, lu, lu Luna

She gave off a vibe that was very distinct
As she stared at us with eyes that barely blinked
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna

Well, she's not dumb but it isn't quite clear
Why she wears a radish from each of her ears
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

Well, we rode the train and we soon found
Her magazine was upside-down
Hermione and Ron both came inside
Ron made a joke about a baboon's backside

When Ron made that joke Luna Lovegood she laughed
And the magazine she grasped
Fell to the floor, Luna Lovegood
Lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

Luna, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

She let out a shriek, Ron looked at her strange
Like she was deranged, she clutched both her sides
As tears fell from her prominent eyes

Well, that's the way Luna Lovegood behaves
She always acts just a little bit crazed
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna

I've never met another like her before
She's a loony, eccentric Ravenclaw
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna

Well, Luna's father is the editor
Of that magazine that's called The Quibbler
Luna will tell you with great pleasure,
"Wit without measure is man's greatest treasure"

Some do not like her peculiar ways
I don't care what they say, I say she's okay
Luna Lovegood, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

Luna, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood
Luna, lu, lu, lu, Luna La la la Lovegood

A filk by Indigo Ziona to tune of Losing My Religion by REM

SORTING HAT:
Oh times are changing
Changing this school
And I am not free
The ritual I must go through
Divisions must arise
The feuds are all too much
So break them up

Slytherin and Gryffindor
Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff
I'm choosing by tradition
Trying to keep uniting you
Yet I don't know if I can do it
The Founders asked too much
I stand with Hufflepuff

They thought they were friends forever
They thought it would never fail
So how can such great friendships die?

Every first year
In every new September
I'm choosing your division
Taking a peek inside of you
Try to make peace in this school
The feuds are all too much
So break them up

Consider this, consider this
The danger of the Sorting
Consider this
The faults that brought us to duels prevailed
What if all our emnities make Hogwarts tumble down?
They are all too much

They thought they were friends forever
They thought it would never fail
So how can such great friendships die?

Founders' broken dreams
Unity just dreams?

The sly and courageous
The clever and loyal ones
I'm choosing by tradition
Trying to keep uniting you
Yet I don't know if I can do it
The Founders asked too much
I stand with Hufflepuff

They thought they were friends forever
They thought it would never fail
So how can such great friendships die?

Founders' broken dreams
Try, defy, try
Founders' broken dreams
Just a dream, just a dream

To the tune of From Every Kind of Man, from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. DUMBLEDORE tries to start the term off right, but meets some interference from the new Dark Arts Defense Professor

DUMBLEDORE:
Our Hat's complete its Sort
So let our feast now commence!
I'm the Headmaster of Hogwarts…

UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
….And I'll be teaching Dark Arts Defense!
This book by Wilbert
Will bore you inert
When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!

DUMBLEDORE:
To stroll in the Forbidden
Forest is a high offense…

UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
…And I'm not the least bit kiddin'
In my aims of teaching Dark Arts Defense
De - crees-
From me, teaching Dark Arts Defense

ALL:
De - crees-
When she's teaching Dark Arts Defense

DUMBLEDORE:
And Mister Filch has asked once more
(Four hundred sixty-secondth)
To not wave wands in corridors…

UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
…When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense
My foes I'll condemn
With a soft little "HEM",
As I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!

DUMBLEDORE:
And Quidditch tryouts occur
In merely three evenings hence….

UMBRIDGE (interrupting):
….If dutifully you defer
To the witch who's teaching Dark Arts Defense!
Quills grill
When I'm teaching Dark Arts Defense!

ALL:
Quills grill
When she's teaching Dark Arts Defense!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of It Don't Come Easy by Ringo Starr

HARRY AND RON:
Those O.W.L.s aren't easy, we're told those O.W.L.s aren't easy

FRED AND GEORGE:
The pressure is severe for those in their fifth year
'Cause those O.W.L. tests, they aren't easy
You will want to skive the classes that they'll give
By the end you'll feel queasy

When O.W.L.s come around it's a big nightmare
Crying and breakdowns, but that is only if you care

McGONAGALL:
If you're serious and if all of you practice
Then the O.W.L. tests will be easy
An essay you'll write, better do it tonight
So you students should get busy

HARRY AND RON:
Forget about free time, the pressure's on now
The work they've assigned we will have to finish somehow

SNAPE:
Only the best who pass enter N.E.W.T.s Potions class
And those O.W.L. tests, they're not easy
But until that time when we say our goodbyes
I'll make sure you feel uneasy

I've come to expect a high pass standard
If you're not perfect my displeasure will come down hard

HARRY AND RON:
Want to go outside but our work is piled high
And these essays, they aren't easy
Now Hermione will not help us study
Says these O.W.L. tests they aren't easy

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of I'll Make A Man Out of You from Disney's Mulan

Snape comes quickly into the Potions room; the frightened and intimidated Gryffindors stare at him and the Slytherins smile knowingly.

SNAPE: Let's get down to business,

He slams the door.

To pass the O.W.L.s.

The entire class grimaces in fear. A few of them put their hands to their faces and shout.

CLASS: Ah!

SNAPE:
I suggest you all work hard this year,
Because your skill level smells.
You're the foulest class I've ever had,
So remember, when you study:
To be an Auror, you must pass with an "E."

The students begin to brew