The Secret of Amy Sumeria
It shouldn't be hard to guess......
Image © 2004 Red Scharlach (with a nod to Roy Lichtenstein)
Act One, Scene One: The Pinnacle of the North TowerAct Two, Scene One: The Potions Dungeon
Act Three, Scene One: Before Courtroom Ten Act Three, Scene Two: Courtroom Ten
NOTE: In writing the filks, I used the 1949 Broadway recording of South Pacific. Despite its less-than-optimal sound, it is the best-sung version, and also offers two songs (Loneliness of Evening and My Girl Back Home) which were later dropped from the play (but which I've used). Although Snape-Specific borrows both its songs and its title from Rodgers and Hammerstein, its story line has no connection whatever to the island of Bali Ha'i or the travails of Lt. Cable, but is an original (more or less) plot of my own devising.
SEVERUS SNAPE, 87th Headmaster of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE, Late Hogwarts Headmaster (as a portrait)
PHINEAS NIGELLUS, Late Hogwarts Headmaster (as a portrait)
VINCENT CRABBE, Administrative Assistant to Severus Snape
MARCUS FLINT, Professor of Transfiguration (and Head of Slytherin House/Unit A)
LUNA LOVEGOOD, Professor of Divination (and Head of Ravenclaw House/Unit B), wife of Harry Potter
GINNY WEASLEY, Professor of Charms (and Head of Gryffindor House/Unit C)
NYMPHODORA TONKS, Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts (and Head of Hufflepuff House/Unit D)
AMY SUMERIA, Potions Mistress (newly joining the faculty)
HERMIONE GRANGER-WEASLEY, Minister of Magic
COLIN CREEVEY, Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM, Head of Magical Law Enforcement
JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY, Auror
CHO CHANG, Auror
DEAN THOMAS, Auror
BLAISE ZABINI, Chief Warden of Azkaban
LAVENDER BROWN, reporter for The Daily Prophet (on-lane edition)
HARRY POTTER, reclusive President of the Potter Foundation
LORD GARGOYLE, the Dark Lord, Self-Proclaimed Heir of Voldemort
DRACO MALFOY, International Singing Sensation
SCENE ONE: Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The Time: the summer of 2018, just a month before the start of the new school year. Hogwarts is in a festive mood, celebrating the inauguration of its 87th Headmaster, Severus Snape. Professor of Divination LUNA LOVEGOOD, standing atop the pinnacle of the North Tower, falls into an ecstatic trance, and delivers another in a series of her frequent (and unerringly accurate) prophecies.
Snapey Guy (to the tune of Bali Ha'i)
LUNA:
Snapey Guy, you'll lead us,
Snapey Guy still snarls
You're now growing old,
You'll be faced with crisis
Snapey Guy,
Soon he must meet her, glowing like a moonbeam,
Here she comes, she arrives, here she comes…..
Snapey Guy,
SCENE TWO: The Headmaster's Office, later that same day, a few hours after the inaugural ceremonies. Large boxes and pieces of furniture are chaotically scattered about, indicating that a new tenant - to be specific, SEVERUS SNAPE, is moving in. On the wall, portraits of ALBUS DUMBLEDORE and PHINEAS NIGELLUS, hung on either side of the main desk, listen attentively as the Pensieve replays SNAPE's inauguration for the benefit of the two earlier Headmasters. SNAPE (who is now very old: he looks almost as old as that actor Alan Rickman) however, pays little attention, engrossed as he is in arranging his collection of slimy things floating in jars.
PENSIEVE SNAPE (standing in the Great Hall, before a crowd of wizardly dignitaries) I Severus Septimius Snape - do solemnly swear - that I will faithfully and honorably discharge the office of Headmaster of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - and I will strive to utilize my talents and my abilities to their utmost to uphold the sacrosanct principles of her ancient and worthy traditions, the sacred trust of educating our youth in the arts and sciences, the rituals and researches of magic.
DUMBLEDORE (with paternal affection): And so this office is now yours. Take care to use its powers and privileges well.
PENSIEVE SNAPE: Thank you, Minister Granger-Weasley, Undersecretary Creevey, Hogwarts faculty, honored guests, honored friends….
NIGELLUS: You haven't got any friends, Severus.
PENSIEVE SNAPE: …it is with a sense of both humility and pride that I accept this appointment as the 87th Headmaster of Hogwarts as we embark upon the second millennium of this, our beloved institution, with its illustrious and unequalled heritage. I see myself as a bridge to the future, spanning the last millennium and the next, and therefore doubly qualified to lead Hogwarts in this time of unparalleled prosperity and growth….
PENSIEVE SNAPE rambles on in this vein for several minutes -I'll spare you the highly soporific text. Finally, NIGELLUS motions for SNAPE to discontinue the message.
NIGELLUS: Enough! Who wrote that bilge - Professor Lovegood? I would be greatly saddened if being elevated to this august position were somehow to turn that mighty brain of yours to mush. I was looking forward to a Headmaster who might stir up a bit of discord - who might have a chance of becoming even more unpopular than myself.
SNAPE (shutting off the Pensieve): My mighty brain is even less mushy than usual, Phineas. If you had researched the matter, you would realize that it's absolutely foolhardy for an incoming Headmaster to say anything substantive during the inaugural address. There's far too many little Ministry satraps and mandarins running loose - and even worse, there's no students.
NIGELLUS: No students? I would think that would be a benefit…
SNAPE: Think back to the year 1712, when you wanted to abolish the seniority system and add a cover charge for dining in the Great Hall. You advocated both of them in your own inaugural. Members of your faculty had more than a month to lobby the Ministry to block your proposals, and you were forced to withdraw them. All you did was earn yourself unnecessary animosity, and guarantee the failure even for the more attractive parts of your program. On the other hand - I have the example of another distinguished Headmaster who merely prattled the most inane banalities during his inaugural address - but during his first start-of-term banquet, he announced that he was doing away with corporal punishment and instituting the House point system. The students were too ravenous with hunger to really pay attention to him, and the faculty was too anxiously anticipating their burdensome academic workloads to even think of challenging him. And so not one person - not even old Argus Filch - dared raise a peep against the proposals of Albus Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE: Your observation is an astute one. But still, Severus, I hope you'll bear in mind that deviousness should be employed merely as a tactic, not as an end in itself. I was devious only when I had no other route to effect positive changes.
SNAPE (pulling a tattered paperback out of his robes, which he gazes at with deep reverence): I know that, Headmaster - I've known that ever since I was a First-Year, when Flourish and Blotts had that 50% off sale on the works of the great Muggle Florentine political theorist…..
Hard-Eyed Realist (to the tune of Cock-Eyed Optimist)
SNAPE:
Though I have people running up to tell me
I know our wizard crew
Life sure ain't no concert by Corelli
NIGELLUS: I'm so relieved! You're going to reign as a Slytherin!
SNAPE: Not exactly, not as a Slytherin……..
DUMBLEDORE: But I'm concerned, Severus, that you have not shown anyone the particulars of your plan - not even the two of us. Remember, we are sworn to uphold the success of Hogwarts and of its Headmaster in particular. You can count on us for impartial and constructive analysis. And if you won't show us, at least discuss it with some one else you trust.
NIGELLUS: Nonsense - besides us, Snape doesn't trust anyone. And maybe not even us.
SNAPE (to Dumbledore): Thank you, Headmaster. I know you have, as you've always had, my best interests at heart. Still, I've relied on you for too long - far too long. This is something that I must on my own - all alone. It's a gamble, a risk - I may not succeed, but….ever since Longbottom vanquished Lord Voldemort, and the ensuing Slytherin Reformation, peace and prosperity have reigned in the Wizarding World - and with them have come complacency, stagnation and sloth. History tells us that such periods of tranquility are invariably brief - and when the powers of darkness return, the havoc they wreak is even greater when the citadels are unguarded. So it is incumbent upon me now to introduce….
A knocking on the door. Enter VINCENT CRABBE, Snape's private secretary
CRABBE: Your appointment is here - for the Professor of Potions opening, sir.
SNAPE: Excellent, Crabbe - show him…
Enter AMY SUMERIA, a tall, stunningly beautiful blonde, followed by a small herd of cute cuddly forest creatures who frolic in her wake - beautiful wildflowers spring up in her path as she walks by
…..her - in. Please, be seated.
Exit CRABBE. AMY extends her hand to SNAPE, who accepts it with uncharacteristic nervousness. A bluebird in AMY's entourage delivers her resume to SNAPE in its beak.
AMY: Thank you, Headmaster Snape. My name is Amy Sumeria. Thank you for granting this interview. It is a privilege to meet you, I've heard so much about you…..
SNAPE: Thank you, Ms. Sumeria. As you may be aware, the post of Potions Master is one that I held for almost 40 years, and naturally I take an especial interest in filling it with the most outstanding candidate possible. What I'm looking for is someone whose knowledge of potions as encyclopedic as my own, as well as someone who can model appropriate intellectual and moral leadership in the classroom, as I always did. (Looking over her resume) I've reviewed dozens of resumes so far, and I must say, yours is by far the most impressive that I've seen…..
AMY: Thank you, Headmaster. As you can read there, I was born here in England to a Wizarding family, but lost both my parents at an early age when they were murdered under mysterious circumstances by conspirators in a subversive Goblin organization. I was sent to live with an aunt and uncle in Nova Scotia, who supplied brooms for an international market. Amidst the comings and goings of merchants from around the globe I became fluent in ten languages and learned to play both the flute and snare drum in my spare time. When I started school (dear old Wollastan on Victoria Island! Such a heartwarming place despite its perennial polar chill!) I became the youngest Quidditch player in more than five centuries, leading my team to six consecutive Quidditch cups - it would have been seven, but I was graduated a year early due to my unusual academic prowess, receiving 112.9% on all my OWLS and NEWTS. I also competed in the Miss Teen Witch beauty pageant as the Canadian entry (I came in second, the bit- I mean, the winner was a pure-blood Veela), and did volunteer work at a wizards' retirement home, assisting these poor dear old men and women too enfeebled to wave wands for themselves, as well as at the local animal shelter for lost kneazles. But my biggest thrill during those years was assisting sweet old Professor Sverdrup in maintaining his potions inventories. Oh what a joy it was to gaze upon the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses, bottling fame, brewing glory, stoppering death….
SNAPE (entranced): When can you start - I mean, when - what did you start doing after leaving Wollastan?
AMY: Oh, but then my young life took a yet another tragic turn. My foster aunt and uncle - who had become as dear to me as parents - just as I was as dear as a daughter to them - were left financially destitute when a wizard they trusted to secure their investments swindled them of everything they owned. The shock of the episode caused my uncle to have a stroke, leaving him unable to fend for himself. I forced to relinquish my post as Professor Sverdrup's research assistant in order to care for my uncle. Then my aunt, who had taken a job as a House-Elf for a neighboring….
SNAPE: Excuse me - did you say House-Elf?
AMY: Yes - few northern Canadians really know what a proper house-elf is, so Auntie I'm afraid did rather take advantage of their credulity. But then she was eaten by a rare arctic Nundu and I was forced to take over her job so that the Goblins would not foreclose my uncle's historic mansion. For three years, Headmaster, I was forced to disguise myself as a house-elf. Imagine, Headmaster - three long years without clothes - imagine that…..
SNAPE accidentally knocks one of his jars off the desk - it shatters its slimy inhabitant all over the floor. A quick Reparo spell undoes the damage.
…then just when we paid the mortgage off, my uncle passed away, and left me a colossal fortune - the poor silly old thing didn't trust banks, and on the day he went to his reward, our pet Puffskein Ottomax dug up the One Million Galleon piece he had buried years before in anticipation of a rainy day. Now I was free to go anywhere in the world - but I chose to become a teacher in a Transylvanian orphanage for werewolf cubs because I knew what it was like to be an orphan. But when my prize student Fifi Tisserand was accepted to Beauxbatons, I accepted a a professorship in the Care of Magic Creatures so that I could continue to be near her. Much to my delight, Little Fifi flourished as her magical talents blossomed under my instruction. But during her third year, she was eaten by one of Beauxbaton's hippogriffs, and as Magic Creatures professor, I was required to behead the misguided beast. Wracked with grief and guilt, I left Beauxbatons and wandered aimlessly for several years, committing random kindnesses and senseless acts of beauty. Eventually, I retired to a Wiccan convent in Salerno - but after a few months with them, I realized they were all Muggles. It was then I decided to return to the Wizarding World and to Britain - and I discovered this vacancy here at Hogwarts. So beautiful a place! How different my life would have been had Mother and Father been spared, if I had grown from girlhood to womanhood amongst the towers and spires of Hogwarts.
SNAPE (entranced): Yes, very interesting. (trying hard to be professional, reading from a list) How would you produce an Effervescence Potion?
AMY: Well, let me see, you need to begin on the first odd-numbered Tuesday of the month, then, with a standard-sized cauldron, you bring 11.4 gallons of water to a boil, then stir in extract of bedbug bile, the inner bark of the Cinnamomum zeylanicum, a pine from the Araucaria cunninghami, five dozen infumated aphids, six fwooper feathers, an ounce of Dugbog blood (female only of course), a duck egg, and then finally the pancreas and liver from a male Sarcorhampus gryphus. Once the ingredients dissolve, then let simmer for two hours, and then add one gross chameleon eyes.
SNAPE: The Chamaelo verrucosus or Chamaelo calyptratus?
AMY: Why, neither one - the Chamaelo brevicornis, of course. Bring once more to a boil, and let it sit out overnight. After the next full moon, it's ready to serve. And I always add just a twist of lime - it gives it a bit of an extra kick.
SNAPE (nonplussed): Yes, that's exactly right - and I've never tried the lime, I will have to keep that in mind. Thank you, Ms. Sumeria for coming - uh - visiting with me here today. I will be contacting you by owl. Goodbye then.
AMY (violating Snape's personal space rather egregiously): Thank you, Headmaster. And let me say that even if I'm not selected to fill the vacancy, it was worth coming here just to listen to you speak of your fascinating life and achievements. I so look forward to hearing from you soon.
AMY takes SNAPE's hands tightly into her own and exits, accompanied by her familiars. Enter CRABBE.
SNAPE: Crabbe, take an owl. "Dear Ms. Sumeria: The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry is pleased to offer you our standard one-year contract as the Professor of Potions, with full salary, and benefits after 90 days. Should you accept this position, you will begin your duties effective on 8/31/18. We look forward to having you as a member of my family - I mean, of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry family."
CRABBE: Very good, sir. May I remind you that the inaugural dinner will be starting in an hour and a half, and you'll not want to be late.
SNAPE: An infernal waste of my valuable time - exchanging trivial pleasantries with the Ministerial toads. Thank you for the reminder, Crabbe. I suppose I must put the best face on the situation.
CRABBE: Good night, sir.
Exit CRABBE. SNAPE remains lost in thought for several seconds
SNAPE: Three years - without…..
Exit SNAPE in the opposite direction.
NIGELLUS: Are you pondering what I'm pondering, Albus?
DUMBLEDORE: I think so, Phineas, but you really need a manticore in order to get Skrewt……
SCENE THREE: In order to avoid cluttering up this scene with pages of clunky expository dialogue, I'll allow myself to wax Shavian at this point to relate some of the back-story which informs this play.
It turns out that The Prophecy really was about Neville, and not Harry - and in the Year Seven finale (1998, 20 years before), it was Neville who finished off the Dark Lord. Given that the final showdown was between Harry and Neville alone against a horde of Death Eaters, and fact that Neville fully credited Harry for helping him develop his long-buried magical talents (as well as the now-legendary Dumbledore's Army), Harry's luster remains undimmed: The Boy Who Lived now shares Co-Hero status with The Man Who Killed.
After the Second War, Harry and Neville both elected to play Quidditch professionally, and were drafted by the Chudley Cannons. The Cannons were able to proudly reclaim their original motto ("We shall conquer") after Harry and Neville led the team to five league championships, as well as winning the both the 2006 and 2010 Quidditch World Cup for Britain. This of course, further augmented their glory.
After retiring from the Cannons in 2013, Harry married Luna Lovegood, and largely disappeared from public view. Their first-born son, Sirius, arrived a year later. His memoirs (Volume I: The War Years in 2015 & Volume 2: The Quidditch Years in 2016) were international best-sellers on so colossal a scale that Harry is now one of the wealthiest men in the Wizarding World. After resisting repeated offers to join the Hogwarts faculty, the Ministry of Magic, or to coach Quidditch professionally, Harry held a rare press conference just six months ago to announce the creation of The Potter Foundation (with himself serving as its President), a philanthropic organization intended to promote worthy and beneficent causes throughout the world (or to "continue to stick his arrogant nose in everyone else's business" as then-Professor Severus Snape commented when first reading the news in The Prophet).
Hermione married George Weasley, CEO of the highly successful Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, shortly after the end of the Second War. She was elected Minister of Magic in 2015, the youngest Minister in history. Her reforms - especially the House Elf Liberation Act of 2015, the Domestic Alley Act of 2016 (aka the Knockturn Alley Buy-Out - Hermione used the power of eminent domain to acquire all of the properties on Knockturn Alley, which were then torn down and replaced with family-friendly businesses under the collective name of Domestic Alley) and the Magic Technology Upgrade Act of 2017- have proven highly popular (the unparalleled prosperity that the Wizarding World currently enjoys has made the freeing of elves less controversial than it might have been otherwise).
Upon her election, Hermione, in a surprise move, appointed Neville as Head of Magic Law Enforcement. Surprising because Neville had amassed a sizable fortune of his through his Quidditch playing and his own memoirs (although they didn't sell nearly as well as Harry's, since they were ghost-written by Prof. Binns), and it was assumed that as the new owner of the Chudley Cannons, he would continue to devote himself to the Sport of Wizards. His status as war hero and his late-blooming athletic skills have had, as you might imagine, a profound affect upon his personality. No longer is he the shy timid introvert that he once was. He now comes across as confident and self-assured, and projects more than his share of star quality. Alas, he tends to be more than a bit abrasive at times, though with enough of a sense of humor to avoid become a complete Big-Head.
Albus Dumbledore survived the Second War, and retired at the end of the 2004-2005 school year. He passed away quietly in his sleep in the summer of 2007. Minerva McGonagall succeeded Dumbledore as Headmistress in 2004, and remained in that post until 2012. Snape stepped down as Head of Slytherin House in order to devote more time to research, and was succeeded by Transfiguration Professor Marcus Flint. Luna, Ginny & Tonks joined the faculty in the last years of Dumbledore's administration, and succeeded to their current positions as Heads of House between 2010 and 2012, so they have been a team for the last six years.
Tonks has been DADA professor since 2003, 15 years now, the longest span of time that anyone has held the post since the 13th Century. Flint's Slytherin Reformation, launched in 2006, is now acknowledged as having a profoundly positive effect on Wizarding society. His colleagues regard him as somewhat stolid, but highly reliable. Luna is still dreamy, but not nearly as spacey as she once was. Ginny is the unacknowledged leader of the quartet. The four heads of house work together as an uncommonly harmonious team, with a strong sense of camaraderie.
Now, let us return to the scene proper: an anteroom adjacent to the Great Hall, an hour after the last scene. Enter NEVILLE. Already present are HERMIONE, COLIN, and the Four Heads of House. NEVILLE, who has not seen any of the Heads of House for several years, is greeted with enthusiastic embraces and handshakes. Everyone is in the sort of festive mood where even the lamest witticism provokes cascades of laughter.
LONGBOTTOM: Sorry, I'm late - hey, it looks like Dumbledore Army & Order of the Phoenix reunion week - sorry, that was a few years after your time, Flint.
FLINT: Ginny's told me so much about it that I feel as though I participated in it myself, Neville.
HERMIONE: God, I was just telling everyone it's so good to be back here again to see all of you - isn't it awful how we use the distractions of the daily grind as an excuse not to stay in closer touch?
CREEVEY: We need to enact legislation requiring all DA & OOP veterans to get drunk together at least once a month.
TONKS: How about once a week?
NEVILLE: Luna, what's going on Harry? He drops out of sight for years, announces that Foundation of his, and drops out of sight again. It is true that you're forcing this Savior of the Wizarding World, this Hall-of-Fame Seeker, to serve as your house-husband?
LUNA (laughing): Of course not, Harry wouldn't know what to do with a non-flying broom in his hand. He's always led such a hectic life that he thought it would be paradise just to sit around home for a few years and relax. But of course, being Harry, he got bored with that after a week, so he decided to write his memoirs. Then, to avoid getting bored again, he decided to establish the Potter Foundation. He'll be making some important announcements very soon. He's really excited about it. This is truly going to be his life's work.
CREEVEY: Speaking of work, I saw photos of that castle you purchased - it looks almost as large at Hogwarts! How is Harry going to manage that place all by himself?
LUNA: Well, he's not alone - Dobby and his family keep the place immaculate, and then we have Aunt Petunia to help care for baby Sirius. She does spoil him so, though, he's beginning to get a little chubby.
GINNY: Whatever Harry's up to, it somehow involves Muggles - and that's Dad's element, as you know, that's why Harry hired Dad. He won't tell us a thing, but he's been almost giddy with excitement these last few months. He's also been hinting there some big announcement coming up.
LUNA: He'll be announcing one project later this week - not the one your Dad's working on, another one. Mum's the word, Harry would kill me if I said anything. No, even worse, he would scowl at me - that always reduces me to tears.
NEVILLE: Gosh, I haven't been back to Hogwarts since - what was it - right after the First World Quidditch Cup win. This place hasn't changed a bit.
TONKS: Including - and especially - You-Know-Who - and I don't mean You-Know-Who.
GINNY: I am so not looking forward to this school year. Having Snape as a colleague was bad enough - having him as the guy who'll be writing my performance evals at the end of each year is not going to do wonders for my morale.
FLINT: Remember when he went on that Sabbatical two years back? I thought maybe some time spent away from the dungeon would refresh him a bit, make him a bit more tolerable. But, instead, he's become more reclusive and surly than ever.
CREEVEY: Where did he go on his sabbatical?
FLINT: None of us know, he's always refused to talk about it.
LUNA: Knowing him, he was probably out collecting more slimy things to put in jars.
HERMIONE: He's a hard man to like - I was probably one of his best students, yet I still have nightmares about him….
We Were All By Severus Taught (to the tune of You've Got to Be Carefully Taught)
HERMIONE:
We had to be taught to brew and mix
Whoever he taught, he'd always berate,
TONKS: Hermione, you can level with us - whose idiotic idea was it to appoint Snape as our Headmaster?
HERMIONE: Well, to be quite honest - it was mine.
ALL (shocked): Yours!
HERMIONE: After I was elected, there were so many other priorities -I postponed taking any action on Hogwarts - I hoped that the problem would just fix itself, that the right person would appear. But it didn't happen, and I felt it my responsibility to intervene. I lobbied the Board of Governors to approve Snape as Headmaster. (pause) Anyway, the only other candidate was Cornelius Fudge, wanting to come out of retirement.
TONKS: But why? Why Snape?
HERMIONE: Let's face it, Tonks: the Headmaster position has become as unstable as the Defense Against Dark Arts post used to be before you took it over. McGonagall certainly did a decent job for several years, but she finally cracked under the pressure, and permanently transfigured herself into a cat.
GINNY: That reminds me - I must remember set out a saucer of milk for her tonight.
HERMIONE: And look who've we had after that: Rebeus Hagrid - after only four months he deserted his post and returned to the giants - then, Sybill Trelawney - Gilderoy Lockhart - Stan Shunpike - need I say more? Hogwarts is becoming an international laughing-stock.
FLINT: What makes you think Snape, of all people, can do any better? I mean even Shunpike had some good qualities…..
HERMIONE: I grant you Snape is a jerk, an autocrat, a petty tyrant in many ways, he's cruel, vindictive, arrogant, snide, remote, quick to take offense, slow to forgive - and he still rarely if ever bathes. But still, he's tough, incredibly intelligent, disciplined, focused, passionately devoted to Hogwarts and just as demanding of himself as he is of others. We need to restore some stability to Hogwarts, and Snape is the man who can do that.
GINNY: In other words, you're telling us, not only is Snape an asshole, he's an asshole you're hoping will stay in a position of great power and authority over us for years to come.
FLINT (half in jest): Luna, does Harry have any openings at the Potter Foundation?
HERMIONE: And all of you - help me out here, please. Please, promise me you'll do all you can to make Snape a success. Don't prejudge Snape. Don't try to sabotage him before he even gets started. Give him all the support you can. Let's make this a success. Snape does a lot of things right, things he never gets credit for. There's a true goodness in Snape, deep down…
NEVILLE & COLIN (interrupting): Way deep-down!!
HERMIONE: I mean, look back during our school years he saved us from Prof. Quirrell and had us rescued in the Department of Mysteries. It was he who helped solve the mysteries of the Half-Blood Prince, the Pillar of Storgé and the Toe-Nail of Icklibõgg. But everyone still thinks of him as some malodorous greasy-haired git. Maybe if he gets a little positive recognition for all the good that he's done, we'll start to see his kinder side emerge.
GINNY: For someone who's obtained the most powerful political office in the Wizarding World, you can be awfully naïve at times.
HERMIONE: And I'm not denying the possibility for disaster. One thing's for certain - Snape won't be mediocre. He'll either be brilliant or he'll be calamitous. Look, I know this isn't going to be fun - all I can tell you is that my door will always be open to you. I trust all of you, and I hope you feel you can trust me. I know that none of you will come whining to me over every little slight and inconvenience. But if it's something major - something truly intolerable - call me. OK?
HERMIONE looks at everyone a bit uncertainly. The Heads of House give their reluctant assent
TONKS: No wonder you got elected in a landslide vote - who can say "No" to you, girl?
Everyone laughs
OK, I promise to help the slimy git.
GINNY, FLINT & LUNA: And we promise too!
HERMIONE: And one more thing - don't tell him that I lobbied the Board to appoint him. I don't want him to feel indebted to me.
NEVILLE: I somehow don't think that's going to be the problem, Hermione.
FLINT: What are all these big reforms we keep hearing about? What's Snape up to?
HERMIONE: I don't know - I was hoping he might say something today, but he's still keeping it under wraps. I have to tell you, though tradition allows a new Headmaster considerable leeway in instituting procedural changes, and I promised not to interfere with what Snape has in mind - but the Board of Governors will have the opportunity to review his changes at the end of the year, and reject the ones they think inappropriate.
TONKS: OK, Hermione - we don't want to fight you on this - we've all been through too much together to start distrusting one another now - but I still think that Snape is going to be as big a disaster as Gilderoy Lockhart….OK, change the subject - Neville, it's so great to see you again, but I'm so sorry about your mother.
NEVILLE: Thank you, Tonks. Still, it had been a long illness, and she was ready to go. I'll always be grateful that she became lucid again during her last few years. She once told me that her dream as a young witch was to become Head of Magical Law Enforcement. She said she used to joke about how she would become Dad's supervisor someday. That's when Hermione offered me the post of MLE. Mum said that the proudest moment of her life was seeing me sworn in. You know, she missed so much of my growing up, but at least she was there for that (he wipes his eyes). Have Snape check out the ventilation, will you, it's making my eyes sting.
GINNY: Neville, that's very touching.
NEVILLE: Well, to tell you the truth, I feel a little guilty - being Head of MLE has got to be about the easiest job in the world these days. I mean, what with the fall of Voldemort and the Slytherin Reformation, and now the Knockturn Alley buy-out, the Dark Arts are dying out. The only surviving Death Eaters are too decrepit these days to even say the word "Kedavra," let alone cast the spell. The most serious crimes I've prosecuted all summer involve underage magic or kids spray-painting the side of Gringotts Bank. The younger Aurors on my staff have only know about the Unforgivables through books and what they hear from us old timers.
COLIN: Let's hope it always stays that way.
HERMIONE: Yes, we're in a Golden Age, and I'm afraid Golden Ages can tend to be a bit boring. But one thing we should learn from history is that times like this don't last. Let's enjoy it while we can. When the next Voldemort turns up, I'm sure we're all going to wish we could set our time-turners back to 2018.
CREEVEY: By the way, where's our guest of honor?
HERMIONE: I'm sure he'll be joining us soon.
TONKS: Look, here comes the slimy git now- I mean, the lovable curmudgeon with the heart of a child…
GINNY….floating in a jar on his desk.
As the Heads of House and NEVILLE roar with laughter, SNAPE enters, looking exceedingly vexed
HERMIONE: Headmaster Snape, please accept my congratulations on your appointment. I believe you'll remember Neville Longbottom, now Head of MLE. He wasn't able to attend the inauguration this morning.
SNAPE AND NEVILLE acknowledge the others' presence coolly
SNAPE: Minister Granger-Weasley, Mister Longbottom. Pardon my delay, I was just interviewing a candidate for the Potions Master position. I must say that one of the most unsettling aspects of old age is seeing one's former charges installed in positions of power and responsibility, for which they have neither the scope nor the necessary training. (smirking) Present company excepted, of course.
NEVILLE (pretending as if Snape made a witticism, but recognizing the intended malice) Ah, Headmaster, as charming and witty as ever. You know, during that final battle when Voldemort and Bellatrix had us trapped in the Pillar of Storge, and Bellatrix had completely disabled Harry with a Crucio, and I was the last one standing: all I could think was: "Hey, this is scary - but it isn't nearly as scary as that first time I melted a cauldron in Snape's dungeon." Then I knew that since I survived that experience, I would survive the Death Eaters as well. So it's all thanks to you, Severus Septimius Snape, that I became the legend I am today.
Everyone except SNAPE laughs - HERMIONE tactfully changes the subject
HERMIONE: You said, Headmaster, that you interviewed a new candidate for the Potions Master.
SNAPE (his aspect softening a bit): Yes, as a matter of fact, I just owled her an offer - if she accepts, than we will be fully staffed for the start-of-term.
HERMIONE: That's excellent news, Headmaster. I'm sure she must be very highly talented indeed if she measures up to your standards. Who is she?
SNAPE: Her name is Amy Sumeria…
GINNY: Name doesn't ring a bell.
LUNA: Likewise…..
SNAPE:….a witch of British descent, largely raised and educated in Canada and just this year returning to Britain. And she not only meets my standards - I must say she supercedes them.
HERMIONE: Wow. She must be good…..
NEVILLE (aside to GINNY): I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not.
GINNY (aside to NEVILLE): You killed Bellatrix, right? And Snape doesn't do resurrections, right?
AMY'S bluebird, the one that gave her resume to SNAPE, flutters in, and delivers a message to the Headmaster.
SNAPE: This is from Ms. Sumeria - she writes that she is most pleased and honored to accept the post of Potions Master, and will arrive in time for the Start-of-Term feast.
Light applause from all. The bluebird perches on SNAPE'S shoulder and begins warbling joyously. SNAPE angrily swats at it, and the poor thing flees in terror.
HERMIONE: Wonderful news, Headmaster - you'll begin your first year fully staffed. I will look forward to meeting her.
A chiming sound is heard - NEVILLE retrieves a cell phone from his robe. Those from the Ministry obviously do not regard this as anything out of the ordinary - but the Hogwarts staff are puzzled, while SNAPE looks sternly disapproving.
NEVILLE: This is Neville - Right - I'm at Hogwarts - some odd disturbances at Little Hangleton, you say? Right - do a full investigation. I'll expect your report in the morning - you have my e-mail? Great - and cc a copy to Minister Creevey and Minister Granger-Weasley. Bye.
HERMIONE (seeing the puzzled reactions from the others): Oh, I should have explained, as part of last year's Magic Technology Upgrade Act, we adapted a number of alternative communication systems at the Ministry, things that have been in use amongst the Muggles for decades now. The day I became Minister, I learned that even though I was supposed to be one of the most powerful witches in the world, I couldn't do so much as a lousy conference call, something my dentist parents were doing when I was still a student. So the Muggle Artifacts Office was commissioned to determine which implements could best be adapted for magical use: we now have cell-phones, pagers, fax machines, PDAs and desktop word-processors, as well as inter-office e-mail.
COLIN: Yeah, our goal is a scroll-less office by this time next year (handing his phone to SNAPE). Headmaster, please, keep this one for yourself, they're very easy to operate. Look, this particular phone has a camera attachment, let me show how it works…..
SNAPE (recoiling in disgust): The injection of Muggle paraphernalia with the arts and sciences of magic is something of which I can never approve ….
COLIN: Headmaster, do you think that trains were invented by wizards? Or automobiles? Is it your belief that the art of photography is of magical origin? No - those inventions were first discovered by Muggles, adapted to the Wizarding World by those unafraid of innovation and progress.
SNAPE: You'll soon learn that I'm actually quite receptive to innovation, Mr. Secretary. Such toys and gizmos, however, are merely methods of amusing children - and of course the childish at heart.
HERMIONE: What was the call about, Neville?
NEVILLE: Just some reports about some odd runes and signs of Dark Arts rituals in Little Hangleton - it's probably nothing, just teenaged pranksters, but as you know, when anything out of the ordinary happens around Little Hangleton, people get real spooked.
GINNY: It's been what, more than 20 years ago since…..
NEVILLE: Hey, I'm sick of talking shop - let me Silencio! this damn thing. Man, I'm famished. Marcus, I need some good old House-Elf Home Cooking, and I want to hear all about this Slytherin Reformation of yours.
MARCUS: Certainly - why don't we all head over to the Great Hall, and we can discuss it over drinks and dinner.
TONKS: Yeah, I'm starved.
MARCUS: And let me assure you that our House Elves, liberated though they may now be, have lost not a single iota of their fabled culinary skill.
Everyone - except SNAPE - laughs, and exits toward the Great Hall, leaving SNAPE alone - all except HERMIONE, who lingers behind.
HERMIONE: Headmaster, could I have a word with you?
SNAPE (angry): If this is about my Start-of-Term speech, I've already told you that….
HERMIONE: No, it's not that - it's something else. Well, now that I'm Minister of Magic and you're Headmaster of Hogwarts, we hold two of the most important positions in the Wizarding World. I know we haven't been the best of friends in the past, but I just want both of us to be successful in what we're doing, and to work together in harmony.
SNAPE stares at HERMIONE coldly, but without any other response - she pauses, and begins again, somewhat nervously
HERMIONE: There's a long-standing tradition that the Minister of Magic and the Headmaster of Hogwarts address one another by first name. As a token of the friendship and fraternity that the two positions have - ought to have. It's just a token, of course, and in and of itself doesn't really mean anything - but it represents the kind of relationship - professional but close and collegial - that I would like to build with you (nervous pause). Anyway, I would like it very much if you would call me "Hermione."
SNAPE continues to stare coldly at HERMIONE
SNAPE: It seems to me that the Minister of Magic has her duties to perform and Headmaster of Hogwarts has his own set of quite different and distinct duties to perform, and there is - or should be - very little overlap between them. On those rare instances when we might have occasion to "call" on one another, let us remember first and foremost that ours is a strictly professional relationship. I trust I make myself clear - Minister Granger-Weasley?
SNAPE coldly sweeps out of the room, delighted that he's finally been able to trash someone so efficiently on his first day. HERMIONE, now alone, looks as though she had been slapped in the face (as indeed she has).
HERMIONE (to herself): You can handle this. Get a grip. Count to ten - 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10. (she remains quiet for several seconds, then lets loose a scream of anger and frustration). Of all the infuriating people I've ever ---- Oh, God, they're right, they're absolutely right, Snape is an asshole, an unmitigated asshole, oh, it's going to be a disaster, what the hell was I thinking…….
It looks like I'm stuck
Exit HERMIONE, slowly and irresolutely.
SCENE IV: The Riddle House, a few hours later. It still looks like your standard haunted house, a majestic mansion now in abandoned ruin and deserted disrepair, with cobwebs and layers of dust everywhere. Auror JUSTIN FINCH-FLETCHLEY is discovered typing on a laptop as the scene opens. Enter his fellow agent CHO CHANG, who is clearly distraught.
JUSTIN: Did you find anything in the graveyard?
CHO: Someone's used a cauldron out there recently, a pretty good-sized one, too, but there's no sign of what was brewing.
JUSTIN: Were there Muggles in the vicinity? Could this be a Breech of Secrecy violation?
CHO: I don't think so, they seem to have covered their tracks pretty thoroughly. (Pause) Sorry, I'm a little upset, I guess. I was out there, walking through the tombstones, and I suddenly realized where I was - not only is this the site where Voldemort was resurrected, this is where he murdered Cedric. Oh, God, it's been so many years, but sometimes it still feels like it just happened yesterday. I had never been here before, and I didn't realize it until I was already out there….
CHO begins weeping, throwing herself on JUSTIN'S shoulder. JUSTIN embraces her.
JUSTIN (softly): I'll never forget it, either - when Harry returned with Cedric's body and we all at once realized he was dead. But Cho - Cedric's loss wasn't in vain - he died a hero's death. Why, we'll probably dedicate an entire room to him here.
CHO (pulling back from JUSTIN). Room? What are you talking about?
JUSTIN: The Potter Foundation just purchased the Riddle House. It's going to be converted to a museum to commemorate the history and the heroes of the Second War. Harry thought that the most appropriate location would be here, right where Voldemort hid out before his resurrection. It's already been announced to the Muggles that this old place will be torn down - then the Potter Foundation staff will secure the site with Muggle-Repelling Charms. And - best of all - Harry offered me the position as Museum Director - at three times the salary I'm making now. We'll be able to afford some comfort once we get married.
CHO (embracing him): Oh, Justin, that's wonderful. (pulling back) So is that why we're here? - you're goofing off on company time to scout out your new worksite?
JUSTIN (laughing): Not exactly - but I did make sure I got an OK from Neville before coming out here. There really was a report of activity here last night - but there's been rumors of strange goings-on in the Riddle House for years - none of them ever checked out, and for the most part we stopped investigating them years ago - after talking to Harry, though, I thought it was worth checking the place out - making sure there aren't any old Death Eaters camping out beneath the floorboards.
They climb the stairs to the second floor, and walk down the dusty corridor, and enter a room at the end of the corridor
JUSTIN: You know, this is an absolutely beautiful place - well, it's not now, but it once was, and it can be again. We can house the exhibits on the first floor, and here on the second floor we'll add a conference room, some classrooms, and the administrative offices. Ah, now this room is the one I want for my office. I want my name on my door in gold leaf... "J. FINCH-FLETCHLEY". Boy! When you see it on your own door...And look at the magnificent old fireplace. Sure beats the hell out of that cubicle I'm stuck in now.
CHO: Justin, you should have talked to me about this, I'm not keen on you working here, no matter how much they're paying you. This place really gives me the creeps. I don't know if I can make this trip again.
JUSTIN (taking her hand): Things will be fine Cho…I'll be with you. Besides - you're seeing the house as it is now, old and abandoned and neglected and unloved. Once we take over and get our renovations completed, it'll be as though it returned to life. And also, Harry says he wants all the surviving DA members out here for the gala opening.
CHO: By the way, did you find anything in the basement?
JUSTIN: A few footprints, some discarded food wrappers - probably homeless Muggle vagrants. Definitely no trace of ectoplasmic activity. No doxies, no boggarts, only a few fire ant colonies. Nothing to be alarmed about (he finishes typing his report). Let me e-mail our report to Neville - you know how anal gets if we don't file these promptly.
JUSTIN types and sends the message - CHO embraces him, and they exchange a passionate kiss. CHO continues to cling to JUSTIN
CHO: Will you stay with me, tonight, Justin- I'm sure I'm going to have nightmares about this….
JUSTIN: Of course - anything for the future Ms. Finch-Fletchley.
CHO (laughing): Ms. Chang-Finch-Fletchley, you mean of course.
JUSTIN: My wife, the hyphen-Queen.
They exchange one more quick kiss, and Apparate from the premises. A few seconds of silence. A hulking form emerges from beneath the floorboards - it remains in the shadows so we cannot see its face.
HULKING FORM: Potter? Harry Potter? Coming here? Tomorrow? I must go - but where? A new hiding place? (Pause) Or is this the sign - the long-expected sign that it is time for me to finally act? To strike back! Yes - the hour is at hand at last - the heir of Voldemort shall achieve his destiny! Accio!
The HULKING FORM Accio's his trunk and blasts open the front door of the Riddle House. With his wand, he burns this message into the entryway wall: ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE! He exits laughing triumphantly.
SCENE V: The Great Hall of Hogwarts, one month later. The Start of Term Feast. The Heads of House sit together at the High Table, awaiting the Sorting Ceremony (ushering in the new first-years was delegated to other faculty this year). They are all talking about the exciting announcement made earlier in the day by the Potter Foundation.
GINNY (reading from The Daily Prophet): "Harry Potter, President of the Potter Foundation, and Arthur Weasley, the Foundation's Director of Magical & Electronic Communications, today announced a major breakthrough in magic communication systems. Basing itself on the so-called World Wide Web developed by Muggles over a quarter century ago, the Potter Foundation's Witchcraft and Wizardry Worldbook (WWW) utilizes the Hypertexto Markuponem spell developed by Mr. Weasley. When the HTM Spell is used upon a book, letter or document, its contents are instantly uproaded to the WWW. 'This is the next step forward in implementing the Ministry's Upgrade Act,' Mr. Weasley told this reporter. 'We can uproad not only texts, but photographs, movies, and recordings. Anyone in possession of a disktop or labtop (now standard equipment at all Ministry offices) will be able to "go onlane", as we like to say, to access this information (provided the disktop has sufficient Googlebelts). All they have to do is type in the correct urinal.'
"Soon disktops will have the capability of transferring solid objects small enough to enter the screen. 'In the future,' said Mr. Weasley, 'disktop screens will become large enough to permit wizards to travel through them. Because if small computers are powerful, just think how much more powerful a large one will be!'
"To demonstrate the capabilities of the WWW, Potter uproaded a copy of his memoirs, which were then immediately accessed on a disktop owned by Weasley Wheezes CEO George Weasley nearly 300 miles away. The two were then able to exchange print message instantaneously. 'Even the best owls would have taken at least an hour,' typed Mr. Weasley. Mr. Weasley later held a press conference of his own to announce his corporation's 'WWW is the WWW' program. 'Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes will soon be offering an array of affordable disktop models, so that even those with modest incomes will be able to access the Wizardry and Witchcraft Worldbook.'
Speaking for The Ministry of Magic, Undersecretary Creevey hailed the creation of the WWW as 'a great leap forward for British magic, and another jewel in the crown of one of Wizardry's living legends.' He announced that the Ministry would fully cooperate with the Foundation to determine how to best utilize this technology. 'As I understand it,' said Mr. Creevey, 'each agency within the Ministry will have the capability of setting up its own "house stage", which will give citizens readily accessible and immediate information and assistance, rather than have to Apparate to the nearest office and stand in line for hours on end, as they often do now.'
"Potter said that he hoped to secure an agreement with Hogwarts and its new Headmaster Severus Snape to uproad the contents of the school library. Considered to be the finest collection of magical literature in the English-speaking world, its haphazard and chaotic organization have been the subject of complaints for centuries. 'Just don't get me started on what I had to go through during my fourth year in that damn library,' laughed Mr. Potter. There was no word as yet on whether Headmaster Snape would be willing to cooperate…." Continued on A-4.
TONKS: Don't continue, that's the fourth time you've read it, Ginny.
GINNY: I know, I know I can't help it, I've never felt so proud and happy in my life. Just look - my father, Dad's now famous throughout the Wizarding World. Look at how happy he looks - and Mum beside him there. He finally sold the Burrow and they've moved into some really upscale condos out at Tutshill - Mum just can't get over how comfortable everything is. It's the first time I've really seen her happy since we lost Ron and Fred. They deserve this, they deserve this so much. And George is so involved with this, too! I just can't believe how great this is.
LUNA: Your parents are such wonderful people - I'm so happy for them.
FLINT: I still don't understand - so you have all these books uproaded, and they're floating around in - what do you call it - silospace? How do you find anything?
LUNA: Harry explained it to me. You just get the urinal of a surge ensign - you then type in the name of what you're looking for, and you get a list of every document with that particular name on the WWW.
TONKS: So if you entered "Crumple Horned Snorkack"......
LUNA: You'll get a list of every house page that mentions Crumple Horned Snorkack. And we're the first Wizarding nation to adapt this new technology. The Potter Foundation is making Britain Number One again.
FLINT: I'm just glad Madam Pince is no longer around. Just imagine her reaction. What does our current librarian think of this project?
GINNY: MacMillain's excited about it. His only concern is that the security measures may not be stringent enough - and the Muggles will be accessing all of our records.
LUNA: Harry said that Arthur came up a spell - any Muggle who accidentally stumbles onto one of our house stages will think they are looking at the family photo album of the Crawcastle family of Stuebenville, Ohio. They won't be tempted to investigate. And for wizards in Muggle homes below school age, there's something called Net Nanny.
TONKS: Besides, it's not really MacMillain - it's Snape - I can't see Snapey doing anything to help Harry - doing anything to help anybody for that matter, but especially not Harry.
GINNY: Let him do his worst: I'm so happy, not even Snape could ruin my night.
FLINT: Anybody have any idea what Snape's going to say?
TONKS: No, absolutely not - and does any one know about the new Potions Master?
LUNA: Not a word about her, since last week.
GINNY: She should have been here by now. The students are getting impatient. They should be about ready for the Sorting.
TONKS: But where's the Hat? Where's the stool?
SNAPE strides to the front of the Hall as mounts the podium.
FLINT: He's going to speak before the Sorting - before dinner?
TONKS: What is he doing?
GINNY: This had better be brief, Snape.
SNAPE: Good evening, faculty, returning students, first-years. I am Severus Snape, the new Headmaster of Hogwarts. I am departing from tradition by addressing you before the dinner and what was formerly referred to as the Sorting.
I am proud to take the reins of Hogwarts as it enters into the second millennium of its existence. But as we begin this new school year, I fear that all is not well in our beloved institution. We are enjoying an extended interlude of peace and prosperity: desirable things in themselves, but which have the undesirable effects of increasing indolence, lethargy, and complacency, in both the intellectual and moral sense. When the next catastrophe strikes, when the next Grindelwald, the next Voldemort rises up, will we be prepared to cope? I think not. But remember: “happy is that nation which in a time of peace thinks of armaments.”
In recent years, I fear, our discipline has loosened, standards have been lowered, and an increased emphasis has been placed on the trivial and the ephemeral. The American periodical US Owl and Orb Report has, for the seventh consecutive year, rated Hogwarts as the “Top Partying School” of the Wizarding World, though in recent years we've consistently failed to make the top ten in academics, spell research or scholarship. Surely our ancestors did not devote their lives, and in some cases, sacrifice their lives, so that their grandchildren might gorge themselves on Bertie's beans and butterbeer.
Tonight, I would like to describe to you how I will restore Hogwarts to its traditionally high standards of academic excellence. The following Educational Decrees, Numbers 412-416, shall become effective immediately:
I realize that anytime modifications are made in long-standing customs, there is apt to be some discomfort and some ruffled feathers. But these long-overdue reforms are necessary to ensure the continued success of our joint efforts. “Where the willingness is great, the difficulties cannot be great.” With your assistance, we will succeed.
Four house elves - KREACHER, his wife WINKY, and their sons BAUDELAIRE and BELVEDERE - enter, each pushing a noisy food cart on which MREs are stacked. Each elf, muttering under its breath, takes a different table, and begins to indifferently fling the MREs to the seated students and faculty.
Ah, our wholesome, healthy dinner is about to be served. Enjoy.
SNAPE dismounts the podium, not expecting any applause, which is good, because none is forthcoming - GINNY stands up, and is about to shout something in challenge to SNAPE - but then we hear a pair of hands coming together several times from the very back of the Hall. The hands belong to AMY SUMERIA who entered the Hall, unobserved, at the beginning of SNAPE's speech. Now, accompanied by her familiars, she makes her way to the High Table to address the Hall.
SUMERIA (radiantly): Good evening, boys and girls, new co-workers, Headmaster Snape. I am Amy Sumeria, and I am your new Potions Masters. Perhaps it's brash of me to speak out like this, new professor that I am - but I heard all of the Headmaster's speech, and even though we may feel a little uncomfortable about some of his ideas, let's remember, he is our Headmaster. His job is to lead and ours is to follow. And we won't know whether his ideas are good ideas or not until we try them out, right, team? So let's just all join hands and put our shoulders to the wheel, and everybody give 100% effort!
We Will Be By Severus Taught (reprise of You've Got to Be Carefully Taught)
AMY:
We won't have a hat to choose and sort
We'll now open up our unit's front door
I think Headmaster Snape deserves a big round of applause for all the hard work he's put into these proposals. Boys and girls? Fellow faculty?
To the surprise of the Four Heads of House - I mean Heads of Unit, the students enthusiastically applaud AMY's speech. She motions for SNAPE to take a bow, which he stiffly does. AMY greets the Four Heads with great eagerness
AMY: Hello, I'm Amy Sumeria. Professor Tonks, the Order of the Phoenix, of course, what a privilege, Professor Flint, so you're the man the behind the Slytherin Reformation, Professor Weasley, oh I always wanted to meet you, your family endured such great sacrifices during the Second War, and - and Professor Lovegood, oh you must be so proud of your husband, he's going to do such wonderful things for the Wizarding World.
LUNA (with uncharacteristic coldness): He's already has done wonderful things for the Wizarding World, Professor Sumeria. He just plans to keep on doing them, that's all.
AMY (oblivious to Luna's venom): Yes, of course, a truly great man your husband, I can't wait to meet Harry. Now, if you'll pardon me, I've got to run now - I need to touch base with our Headmaster, and get all signed up for new employee orientation (she laughs at her own joke). I just know we're all going to be such great friends. Toodle-loo!
A brief silence, as AMY walks away and joins SNAPE. AMY takes a seat beside him, and digs into her MRE with great enthusiasm. The Heads of Unit remain in a doubly-stunned silence for several moments.
LUNA (amazed, more to herself than the others): I can't believe it - I actually said something - bitchy.
TONKS: I had a hundred bitchy things I wanted to say - each comment tried to come out simultaneously and I was left tongue-tied.
GINNY: I should have never have underestimated Snape. I said that not even he could ruin my day today - and - presto! - it's ruined. - My God, who the hell is that woman? She looks like some kind of fantasy-Veela dreamed up by a sex-starved Seventh Year.
LUNA: We shouldn't hold her appearance against - or the way she's over there shamelessly sucking up to Snape - maybe she'll turn out to be nice - no, I guess not. Maybe she'll stay down in her dungeon, and not bother us. (pause) Maybe they'll finally discover crumple-horned snorkacks.
FLINT: Isn't it interesting though, how her timing “just happened” to distract everyone from focusing on Snape's speech tonight? Just a coincidence, I'm sure (the others snicker mirthlessly). I can't believe this! This is a slap in the face, a rejection of everything I achieved with the Slytherin Reformation. You can't trust Snape! Once an unreformed Slytherin, always an unreformed Slytherin. Can't we do something?
GINNY: You heard Hermione - new Headmasters are traditionally given plenty of scope to reshape Hogwarts as they choose - as long as they can show positive results.(pause) I can't believe - Gryffindor - gone forever!
TONKS: The proudest moment of my life was when I was made head of Hufflepuff - and now I'm Head of Unit D. Unit D?
LUNA: The man lacks poetry.
GINNY: And how are the students going to get any school work done if they have to do all the cleaning everyday?
FLINT: No Quidditch!
TONKS: No trips to Hogsmeade! - half the shops will go out of business! They can't survive without student trade!
LUNA: And this awful food three times a day?
As the meals are completed, the house-elves return to resentfully pick up the MRE packages.
GINNY: I'm too depressed to talk any more tonight - I'm heading back to Gryffindor - or Unit A, I should say. Remember, we promised Hermione we'd all try to help Snape succeed. So, stiff upper lip, everyone. But when things get really bad - when, not if - we'll call Hermione. Until then -
TONKS: We should all get some sleep - we'll talk in the morning.
FLINT: Good night, Ginny - good night, everyone…
LUNA: Good night.
GINNY, LUNA & TONKS exit, all throwing acidic looks at AMY, who is still talking to SNAPE (and doing most of the talking, to boot). Students are starting to file out as well. MARCUS is left alone at the table.
FLINT (aside): Tonight looked like the perfect night to ask her - I was finally going to do it - but I can't, not after all this. If only I had a bit of her courage! But patience, Marcus, has been your road to success - let me be patient, and she may yet be mine. Timing is everything. Another opportunity is sure to present itself.
EXIT MARCUS, along with the last few students. SNAPE & AMY are left alone in the Great Hall, except for the four House Elves grumbling around them as they finish their cleaning.
SCENE SIX: The Headmaster's Office. Late one evening, three weeks after the Start of Term (ha ha) Feast. Snape, in athletic gear (including a coach's whistle around his neck), sits at his desk, picking disconsolately at an MRE. He reads aloud from the sixth chapter of his well-worn half-price copy of Machiavelli's Prince
SNAPE: ".....And it ought to be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, then to take the lead in the introduction of a new order of things. Because the innovator has for enemies all those who have done well under the old conditions, and lukewarm defenders in those who may do well under the new. This coolness arises partly from fear of the opponents, who have the laws on their side, and partly from the incredulity of men, who do not readily believe in new things until they have had a long experience of them. Thus it happens that whenever those who are hostile have the opportunity to attack they do..."
His reading is interrupted by an owl who flutters in just long enough to drop off a bright red envelope. SNAPE listens stoically to the latest in a long series of howlers…
HOWLER: ……MY LITTLE ETHELBERT JUST SENT ME A SAMPLE OF THAT HORRIBLE STUFF YOU'RE FEEDING HIM NOW, I'M NOT SPENDING MY HARD-EARNED GALLEONS SO YOU CAN STARVE MY ONLY CHILD TO DEATH, THERE BETTER BE SOME CHANGES MADE AND MADE DAMN SOON OR I'M YANKING HIM OUT OF HOGWARTS AND SENDING HIM TO OVERSEAS TO THAT DURN-STRANG SCHOOL, AND I DON'T EVEN CARE IF HE HAS TO LEARN BULGARIAN OR ALBANIAN OR WHATEVER IT IS THEY JABBBER IN OVER THERE. AND HE SAYS THERE'S NO MORE QUIDDITCH TEAMS!?? GOOD GRAVY! MY WIZENGAMOT REPRESENTATIVE WILL HEAR OF THIS!
The noise of the Howler echoes for a few moments. SNAPE bellows at the now-empty air.
SNAPE: Who cares! Take that miserable little snotrag of yours out of Hogwarts, see if I give a - (writing) Note to self: Have Crabbe determine many students we've lost in the last three weeks… (throwing quill aside). Never mind - who cares? No one's ever been able to figure how many students are enrolled in Hogwarts in the first place, so what does it matter how many we lose…..
DUMBLEDORE (sharply): Severus, you can't just ignore this, you've got to come up with a reasonable course of action.
SNAPE: Everyone said Hogwarts needed strong leadership - that it needed practical, level-headed but far-reaching reforms. And so I gave them their strong leadership and their practical, level-headed but far-reaching reforms. And what's their response? - They don't like strong leadership! They don't like practical, level-headed but far-reaching reforms!
NIGELLUS: I can see their point - I don't like them either.
DUMBLEDORE: I won't touch upon the merits of your Educational Decrees, Severus, no matter how disastrous I may think them. But it's not merely their content, it's the whole process through which you arrived at them. You merely hinted big changes were coming, solicited no feedback from us or from anyone, and now you're pouting because people complain about your Decrees.
SNAPE: So, what should I do?
DUMBLEDORE: Your overall objective - to restore some academic rigor and substance to our school - is a laudable one. You just need to go about seeking it in a way that it doesn't make Hogwarts feel like a prison to everyone. Offer to compromise, scale back a few things. Show that you can respond constructively to criticism. Let the Quidditch teams fly again. Vary the menu a bit. Rehire a few of the house elves. Allow visits to Hogsmeade to students who meet certain standards. Grant the Potter Foundation limited access to……
SNAPE seems to be receptive to DUMBLEDORE's suggestions until the name Potter is introduced.
SNAPE: That supercilious self-important over-rated little (he searches for some really damning descriptor) show-off! -that's all he is, a celebrity show-off! How he's plagued me for nearly 30 years now. This whole thing is his doing, I warrant it.
NIGELLUS: Oh, quit being so melodramatic.
DUMBLEDORE: Now, Severus, I've spoken to you for many times about not jumping to conclusions about Harry. And by the way, he genuinely wants to make amends for all his past frictions with you. I believe he's owled you several times in the last few months, but you've yet to reply.
SNAPE: How wonderful! Harry Potter, the Wonkish-Wonder-Working electronically amplified magician, still knows how to use an owl - a true Renaissance man. Bah! This whole World Wide Web knock-off of his is just some plot to undermine my authority.
DUMBLEDORE: Really, you should know better than that. Harry first came up with the idea of the WWW a few years ago, long before you were made Headmaster.
SNAPE: Oh he did, did he, the clever little boy genius? He never showed such initiative when he was my student (suspiciously). By the way, how do you know so much about Potter?
DUMBLEDORE: Another of my portraits hangs in Harry's office at the Potter Foundation - of course, I respect his confidentiality as strictly as yours, but I'm not breaching his confidence when I merely repeat to you things he already put in his letters.
SNAPE: I should have known, spies all around me. Memo to self: Get Filch here in the morning, and have him move Dumbledore to Hogwarts' most isolated broom closest.
DUMBLEDORE (lighting flicking some dust off his left shoulder): I had the feeling I was going to tick you off every now and again. Good thing I had the foresight to have a Permanent Sticking Charm performed on me.
SNAPE (shrieking): That's all right - go ahead and Permanently Stick away, I couldn't care less.
SNAPE throws a jar with a slimy thing in it at DUMBLEDORE.
DUMBLEDORE (casually): Protego.
The aforementioned jar explodes a few feet in front of DUMBLEDORE'S portrait, leaving the Headmaster unscathed. The fight seems to go out of SNAPE, who sinks wearily into his chair.
SNAPE: Albus, forgive me. I - I lost control. It won't happen again.
DUMBLEDORE: Nothing to forgive, old friend. I would suggest doing a Reparo on your specimen, however.
SNAPE magically reseals the jar, and places it back on his desk
SNAPE: (long pause) Now I understand why McGonagall transfigured herself for good into a cat. How does anyone ever stand the pressure on this job, the thousands of demands, the constant setbacks? The ingratitude! The lack of appreciation! Over half of Hogwarts staff have already given notice, our student population is hemorrhaging, The Daily Prophet seems determined to headline every little problem we're experiencing, and those damn Howlers 24/7! And in spite of my regimen of wholesome diet and routine exercise, the remaining staff and students look so sullen and fatigued all the time…
NIGELLUS: It may be due to the fact that most of the students are up till 3 a.m. every night doing their housekeeping chores.
SNAPE: Don't they understand? I'm not doing this for myself - I'm doing it for Hogwarts. If only there were one person, just one, who could truly understand that, just one person who would realize this….
A bluebird suddenly swoops into the room, depositing a small package. SNAPE opens it.
SNAPE: It's from Prof. Sumeria (reading) “Dearest Headmaster: I just read the interview in The Prophet with former Professor Sinistra, and I hope you won't let it upset you. It was very unfair of her to blame her recent departure on you, and the Prophet has no business printing such scurrilous characterizations like the one's on today editorial page. But I know your spirit is too lofty and generous to be weighted down by a few carping critics. Your brave and selfless concern for doing what is right, not merely what is popular, will forever be in inspiration to me. Truly, you are the man in the arena….
The two portraits roll their eyes
….whose place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory or defeat. I hope when you get a chance, you'll revisit the old Potions Dungeon. I'm anxious to see if you approve of my attempts to redecorate. With fondest wishes and eternal support - Amy Sumeria. P.S. I'm sending along a little batch of fudge brownies. They're an old house elf recipe.” (SNAPE sighs in relief) What a comfort it is to know that in this cold and gray world, there is- there really is one person who can actually empathize.
NIGELLUS: My spider sense is tingling.
DUMBLEDORE: Careful, Severus: you're in a, shall we say, emotionally vulnerable state right now, and, frankly this Sumeria woman seems more than a bit manipulative to me.
SNAPE (furious): There's one person in the entire Wizarding World who supports what I'm trying to do, and I'm supposed to reject her? A fine bunch of advisers you are, “shall we say?”
SNAPE removes his athletic gear and throws on his robes.
NIGELLUS: Where are you going?
SNAPE: I've got better things to do than to be hectored at by you two-bit two-dimensional dabs of pigment. Don't wait up for me.
Exit SNAPE, slamming the door behind him.
SCENE SEVEN: The Potions Dungeon, about ten minutes later. Only the left side of the stage is dimly illuminated. SNAPE enters, muttering to himself.
SNAPE: I never truly appreciated this old dungeon till now, now that I've left it. My life's work. Thirty-six years I spent in this dungeon - where I brewed, I stoppered, I bottled - I created! I actually did things - made things! There's nothing more satisfying that to actually make things! Even though 99% of my students were hopeless dunderheads, at least they learned a little humility: they said to themselves, “here is a scholar, a man of knowledge and power, doing things that only those gifted with the highest talents are privileged to do.” Whereas - what do I do now? Nothing! I'm a glorified bureaucrat. I write memos, I write reports, I give orders. The memos are ignored, the reports go unread, the orders are defied. And so I create more memos, more reports, more orders. What a mistake it was to abandon this grave and solemn old place. Lumos!
As the light comes up (still the left side of the stage only) SNAPE sees how his grave and solemn old cellar has been completely transformed by Amy. Instead of the somber iron-gray and black tones of old, the dungeon is now painted in bold and sunny yellows, reds, and greens. On the side of one wall is a mural depicting an impossibly-noble-and-wise-looking Snape stirring a cauldron as a group of bright-eyed eager students look on. SNAPE studies the mural intently
That's exactly what I used to do here - I taught! The students - maybe they were never that attentive - but they should have been! If they had been, we wouldn't be in this mess - did they ever mess things all up! They messed it up so bad that they want me to rescue them!
SNAPE laughs heartily at this not particularly amusing irony
But Amy - this must be her doing - perhaps this is how I look seen through her eyes. I won't deny that it's flattering to be held in such regard by a woman like her: so accomplished - so beautiful - so loyal - I can't - I shouldn't be seeking out ulterior motives in her actions, but what if she did harbor feelings for me - oh, that's ridiculous, I must be in more desperate straits than I though - but if she did, that would redeem the thousand miseries I now suffer ….
The right side of the stage is suddenly illuminated with dim light -AMY, dressed in a highly revealing negligee and six-inch heels, removes her Invisibility Cloak. She is stirring over a cauldron on a potion of uncommon complexity. Her familiars are all curled up in a corner, huddled together, sound asleep.
AMY (to herself): Snape? Here at last? Good. He's so lost in thought that he has yet to discern my presence …..
Twin Soliloquies (Wonder How It'd Feel - to the tune of the same name)
SNAPE (unaware of AMY's presence):
AMY:
SNAPE:
AMY:
SNAPE:
AMY:
SNAPE suddenly becomes aware of AMY'S presence. She feigns surprise.
SNAPE: Professor Sumeria!
AMY: Headmaster! What a surprise! What delivers you here at so late an hour?
SNAPE: I'm quite sorry - I did not mean to disturb you. I couldn't sleep, I thought visiting my old dungeon might help. I didn't expect to find anyone here. (pause) Your bluebird arrived at an auspicious moment - I was feeling slightly discouraged. I greatly appreciate your support, Professor - it means more to me than you could ever imagine.
AMY: Thank you, but what I wrote is no more than the simple truth. Now tell me, truthfully, how do you like it? (SNAPE eyes her negligee) Your no longer dingy dungeon, I mean.
SNAPE (not quite sure how to answer): It definitely shows a woman's touch. I'm very complimented by the mural - your work, I take it?
AMY: The artist's brush, I'm afraid, is another of the many talents with which I am afflicted. I painted this mural with a little inspiration from my sixth-years. They were telling me about how much they learned in their previous years from you, so I thought it might be an stimulating reminder to them, as well as to the younger students.
SNAPE (indicating the cauldron): I see you're preparing for tomorrow's class.
AMY: Yes, for my first-year, the innocent little dears. I've already whipped up a Vanishing Potion for tomorrow, and I'm trying to get this batch of Prestidigitation Potion finished.
SNAPE (surprised): But those are both highly advanced Potions, usually only taught to sixth and seventh years. You're teaching these to your First-Years?
AMY: Why, yes, I've just been following your curriculum and game plan, and we've just whipped through everything up to the O.W.L.s So don't give me the credit - it's all your doing, this creation of so ideal a learning environment.
SNAPE (aside): Then I was right after all! My Educational Decrees can work, as long as I have capable and loyal staff to enact them. (to AMY): That's very impressive, Ms. Sumeria: I only wish we had more faculty with your talent and dedication.
AMY (laughing nervously): I'm afraid you're going to withdraw your praises when you see what a mess I've made of this Prestidigitation Potion. It requires, of course, the wings from the Adalia decempunctata, but the only thing that I could find in the storerooms that came close was the Adalia bipunctata - but it's not working at all - I feel so incompetent - I hope you won't think you've made an error in hiring me….
SNAPE: No, of course not…..the problem is all my doing. I forgot to inform you that I've long kept some of my more arcane ingredients safely locked away. I had so many problems over the years, what with scar-headed students and liberated house-elves and cleverly-disguised Death Eaters sneaking in to steal supplies, that I was finally compelled to strengthen my security measures. It's all kept in a secret compartment behind the blackboard. Alohamora!
The secret compartment swings open, revealing shelf after well-organized shelf of magic ingredients
And quite fortunately, I had just ordered a fresh supply of decempunctata just before I moved out of this dungeon.
SNAPE Accio's the container of Adalia decempunctata wings, and gives it to AMY. She adds it to the brew, and begins stirring.
AMY: Yes, thank you, Headmaster - I think I can say with no false modesty that my skill in potions is superior to most - and yet I feel so like a First-Year in your presence, a timorous student who has yet to learn the meaning of aconite - oh, dear, the brew is really thickening now, it's becoming quite difficult to stir.
SNAPE: Allow me to assist you…
AMY: Please do.
SNAPE comes up behind Amy, and, reaching around her, puts his arms around either side of her to grasp the stirrer. During the ensuing silence, a great degree of sexual tension rises between the pair
SNAPE: A very attractive outfit, Ms. Sumeria - it flatters you.
AMY: As you flatter me - yes, it's one I first wore back in the days when I modeled for Victoria's Chamber of Secrets. I always seem to do better when I wear it - better in potion-making, I mean.
SNAPE (whispering in AMY'S ear): It seems your brew is now achieving its correct consistency.
AMY (close enough to SNAPE that she could kiss him): I can see the difference that the decempunctata makes in the potion - oh, what a horrible odor, it's almost unbearable!
SNAPE (stepping back): The potion is completely odourless, Professor Sumeria.
AMY: Oh, of course, I knew that, then what is…..? (suddenly realizing) - oh, Headmaster, please forgive me, I didn't really mean….
SNAPE (curtly): If you'll excuse me, Professor, I've taken up too much of your time already. I must be on my way.
Exit SNAPE, totally humiliated
AMY: Damn! Sure put my foot in it that time….hmm, OK, so now what?
SCENE EIGHT: The Headmaster's Office, a few moments later. SNAPE paces furiously, before the portraits of DUMBLEDORE and NIGELLUS.
SNAPE: "Oh, what a horrible odor", she said, "it's almost unbearable!" She finds me loathsome, repulsive - unhygienic. Why didn't anyone ever tell me?
DUMBLEDORE: Why, I did, Severus, several times weekly, both in person and in writing. Remember how I always used to hold my nose when you entered my office? It's just that you never listened.
SNAPE (looking at himself in a full-length mirror): Look at me - sallow skin, greasy hair, oily complexion - no wonder she thinks me horrible.
NIGELLUS: “I, that am rudely stamped, and want love's majesty to strut before the wanton ambling nymph....”
SNAPE: Nymphadora Tonks? Don't make me laugh. No - I'm talking about Amy - Professor Sumeria - I saw her in the Potions dungeon just now - she inadvertently let slip mention of my uncongenial stench…
NIGELLUS: Since when are you in the habit of caring what other people think of your hygiene? You've ignored them for 36 years. (pause) Hmmm - I've believed I've just answered my own question.
DUMBLEDORE: Severus, she's one of your staff.
NIGELLUS: You should be thanking your lucky stars she finds you repulsive. Even in my day and age, bonking the hired help was a surefire recipe for disaster. In your era of all-encompassing political correctness, the potential for catastrophe is even greater….
SNAPE: I know, I know, given the high stakes involved, and that it's necesary for me to maintain the highest possible ethical standards, the question then becomes - can I get away with it? What is that pledge of your again?
NIGELLUS (sighing in disgust): That we are honor-bound to assist the incumbent Headmaster in any way we can, short of blatant illegality.
DUMBLEDORE: Including, unfortunately, grossly stupid and ill-advised things, as long as they fall within the compass of the law. And as the law currently states, romantic liaisons between employees of unequal rank, while not explicitly prohibited, are vaguely discouraged. It's been my experience that such affairs, no matter how innocent in intent, cannot help but have a calamitous effect on overall employee morale. Did I ever tell you about the time when Dolores Umbridge and Argus Filch……
SNAPE: Never mind that - to the two of you I confess - I'm in love with Amy Sumeria. For the first time in my life, I am in love. I've known it since she first walked in this office, if I'm honest with myself about it. I know it's a gray area, getting romantically involved with an employee . Plan A: She rejects me, fine: we'll just continue as if nothing happened. Plan B: She accepts me - great! we'll just keep it discreet - keep it under wraps - be professional about it - no one will suspect a thing. So tell me, what must I do to win her love?
BOTH: Take a bath!
SNAPE: What a repulsive concept - but I suppose you're right - women - so I've been told - are attracted to that fragrance sort of thing. I have no choice - I've got to give this my best shot.
I'm Gonna Wash That Grease Right Outta My Hair (to the tune of I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair)
SNAPE conjures up a giant-sized cauldron, and begins a ritual of long-neglected toiletries. As the music begins, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS Embody themselves (i.e., emerge from their frames in three-dimensional form)
SNAPE (music)
I'm gonna boil that oil right off of my face
SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE:
SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
During the instrumental bridge, the three Headmasters slice, dice and carve up a variety of odd ingredients for the cauldron, including, finally, a kitchen sink. NIGELLUS and DUMBLEDORE then pick up SNAPE, toss him in the cauldron, and hold him under.
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
THE TWO HEADMASTERS pull SNAPE from the cauldron, soaking wet and sputtering for breath
SNAPE:
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
SNAPE, DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS:
And a totally new SNAPE emerges: his hair is as short as a Marine recruit, his complexion is immaculate, his dentures dazzle, his robes blaze scarlet. His transformation makes him, of course, look totally ridiculous.
SNAPE (hesitantly): Well - what do you think?
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS make heroic efforts to keep themselves from breaking into convulsive laughter
DUMBLEDORE (diplomatically): Astonishing….truly astonishing…..indeed….
NIGELLUS: (unsuccessfully trying to stifle his laughter): Well, I must concede that my eyes no longer water in your presence…
SNAPE, suddenly realizing that the late Headmasters are standing alongside him, is nonplussed by their manifestation
SNAPE: How can you….appear like that?
The two Headmasters vanish and reappear in their frames. They now have their laughing fits mostly under control, with only an occasional giggle or two now being emitted
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, it's nothing…..just a little knack some of us have acquired.
NIGELLUS: It's called "Embodying" - a spell that Dumbledore invented just before he “crossed over"...
DUMBLEDORE: Spending all eternity attached to a 48” by 60” canvas seemed a rather tedious prospect to me. But thanks to my “Embodying” Spell, we can manifest ourselves in three-dimensional form for brief periods of time.
SNAPE: I thought you weren't supposed to be fully realized….that all you can do is to repeat catchphrases and such...
DUMBLEDORE (as Nigellus snickers): And you're absolutely correct about that, Severus. That's all we ever do….
NIGELLUS (imitating a parrot): Pretty boy! Pretty boy! Aaaccck!!
DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS again break into convulsive laughter. NIGELLUS' head disappears from his frame, and for several moments all we see of him are his legs kicking the air
SNAPE: For elder statesman, you two can get awfully juvenile at times. (eyeing himself suspiciously in the full-length mirror): Well….so you think I look OK? No - not at all - scarlet just isn't my color……
SNAPE waves his wand, changing his robes' hue
Perhaps these vermillion tones will suit me better….
DUMBLEDORE: Turning over a new tonsorial leaf is something every man should do once in a while - this was before your time, Severus, but I myself went beardless from 1953 to 1955, and restricted myself to sable hues. So, just ignore the jibes and the inevitable ridicule, the merciless laughter that is sure to follow in your wake ….
AMY enters abruptly, with a clothespin over her nose and a plate of freshly-baked cookies, accompanied by her familiars. At the sight of SNAPE, the familiars all break into the same cascasde of manic laughter that DUMBLEDORE & NIGELLUS just experienced.
AMY (to the familiars, harshly): Sit! Stay!
The familiars fall silent immediately, cluster together to one side of the room, and remain quiet and still for the remainder of the scene.
AMY: I do hope you'll forgive me, Headmaster - me and my hyper-developed olfactory senses - I didn't mean to be rude - there's no one I respect more profoundly than you…..
AMY now catches sight of SNAPE - she is so startled, she drops the plate
SNAPE: Thank you, Amy - it's very thoughtful of you.
SNAPE Accio's the cookies back on the plate and onto the table
AMY: You underwent this radiant transformation - for me?
SNAPE (stammering): T-t-turning over a new t-t-t-tonsorial leaf is s-something every m-man should do once in a while -
AMY: But why tonight - it wasn't our little encounter this evening, was it?
SNAPE: I value your support - I don't want you to regard me in any way as - objectionable.
AMY (removing the clothespin): Your startling transformation brings to my lips what has been locked inside my heart - dare I give it utterance? - oh, what the fuck, I throw timorous caution to the south winds. Headmaster, I love you! I felt it from the moment I set foot in this office, and set eyes upon your callow yet noble visage. I love you! I love you! Oh, you must think me a little fool…
SNAPE: No, of course not - I, too….I love you, Professor Sumeria…
AMY: Oh, Headmaster…. I feel like a dreamy-eyed schoolgirl again - for the second time this evening….
They embrace and passionately kiss. The two portraits slap their foreheads.
SNAPE: Will you dine with me - tomorrow evening, Profesust wnsor?
AMY: I think I can pencil you in, Headmaster. Where….?
SNAPE: A favorite alcove of my own - I've never shared it with anyone. Meet me here tomorrow at 6 p.m. and I'll take you there.
AMY: The merciless clock will drag itself snail-like anticipating the hour. Until then, my beloved…(to her familiars) Free!
Exit AMY, accompanied by her familiars
NIGELLUS: The quality of your dialogue plummets precipitously when that woman is the room, Severus.
DUMBLEDORE: Were I capable of more complex verbal utterance, I might have characterized your colloquy as consisting largely of "catchphrases" and the like.
SNAPE: It's true that the state of being in love does tend to multiply one's use of the cliché. But - you cannot deny it - at long last, I am in love - and I am loved in return! Did you mark it? - She said she loved me - loved me.
NIGELLUS: This is going to be worse than I thought.
SNAPE (trying not to smile): Good evening, gentleman…we shall discuss of this further…..
SNAPE leaps in the air triumphantly, pumping his right fist skywards.
Yes!
Exit SNAPE
SCENE NINE: A forbidding precipice in the Forbidden Forest, a rocky and desolate crag, jutting out from a towering hilltop. A howling wind blows throughout the scene, with flashes of lightning and ominous storm clouds in the background. SNAPE and AMY are laying out an incongruously cheerful-looking picnic dinner, complete with the traditional basket and brightly-colored blanket. AMY'S familiars cower under a nearby tree, nervously eyeing the Acromantulas and giant serpents rustling in the background
SNAPE (reverently, looking out over the landscape): I always feel renewed - when I'm here…..
AMY: It's wonderful, Headmaster - it's so - romantic…..
SNAPE: It's my favorite spot on earth - I often come here when I need to brood Byronically over the intolerable imperfections of humanity and the implacable injustices of fate - or if I just need some alone time……I've never bought anyone here before….. before you…..
AMY: I still can't get over your striking new appearance. To think that you underwent this transformation - this transfiguration, really - just for me. I do hope you weren't put off by all the giggling and pointing and laughing behind your back that went on today. Professor Tonks' remarks struck me as being especially cruel.
SNAPE (snarling at first, then relenting): What did that miserable…..put off by it, no of course not. To be honest, I barely took note of what happened today, so much was I looking forward to this evening.
AMY (gazing across the terrain): How much of your morose yet sensitive spirit I seem to sense - have a peanut-butter sandwich - here among these remote peaks and crevices - and do try some of my potato pancakes, will you?
SNAPE: Remote, Professor Sumeria, but not - inaccessible. Not to one such as you.
AMY draws very close to SNAPE, looking him directly in the eye
AMY: I've often wondered what you truly think of me- oh, I know you deeply respect me as a fellow practitioner of the arts of Potion Making, and do me honor as member of your faculty - but, Headmaster, do you truly appreciate that I am a woman?- a woman, Headmaster - with all of the strengths and powers and frailties that being a woman implies….
SNAPE (dumbstruck): Of course, I appreciate, I mean, that, you know…..
AMY: What is it you're saying, Headmaster?
SNAPE (nervous, withdrawing): It's been a very lonely - that is, I mean, the potato pancakes are very good.
AMY (seductive, advancing): Thank you, Headmaster, it's very kind of you to say so. But you were saying something regarding loneliness?
SNAPE (pulling himself together): Loneliness is not something I fear, Professor. I don't mind loneliness - or solitude - or at least I didn't - it's just that I never expected I would encounter so kindred a spirit along life's journey….
AMY:….one with whom one might brood together, hurling mute imprecations upon the ministers of our misfortune….Oh, Headmaster, in some ways, we're such opposites - there is so much darkness and anger in your soul, and such sweetness and light in mine - and yet I feel there is a bond between us - both of us misunderstood, both of us opposed for our virtues and talents rather than for our shortcomings….
SNAPE: You sense my anger - and please, call me Severus - you're right, it's such an important part of who I am…..
Anger is Big Time (to the tune of Younger Than Springtime)
SNAPE:
Anger is big time, for me
And when the girls
SNAPE & AMY (joining hands)
Then anger at their crime, have I/he'll try
SNAPE (spoken, leaning in): I've never met a woman who has understood me so - as you do, Professor Sumeria….
AMY (likewise leaning forward): Please call me Amy…..
SNAPE: Perhaps I am being a foolish old man, but - I am deeply attracted to you, Amy.
AMY: As a woman, Severus?
SNAPE: As a potion-maker - a kindred spirit - and, my dearest Amy, as the most beautiful and magnificent woman I've ever been privileged to meet…….
AMY kisses him in a long and erotic embrace
AMY: Have you ever- known women before me - oh, of course you have, I just…
SNAPE: When I was with the Death Eaters, I had several - uh- lovers. They were harsh, pitiless, rapacious women - not sweet and gentle and feminine like you.
AMY fires her wand- a giant serpent slithering towards her familiars falls out of the tree
It's been years, Amy, not since I left the Death Eaters. I've been cloistered away in Hogwarts ever since.
AMY: Severus, oh my love…you were saved from the Death Eaters, and then you saved yourself for me. Oh, if only I didn't have all this peanut butter stuck to the roof of my mouth….
SNAPE: My dearest Amy….
SNAPE reaches to kiss her again
AMY (vehemently pulling back): Stop! Don't touch me!
AMY begins sobbing uncontrollably. SNAPE, in the time-honored tradition of the male suitor, looks utterly helpless and confused
SNAPE: Professor Sumeria - Amy - I'm deeply sorry - please accept my apologies - I didn't mean to….what did I…..is there anything I can….?
Still sobbing passionately, AMY throws her arms around SNAPE, burying her head in his shoulders. SNAPE awkwardly puts his arms around her.
AMY: No, you didn't do anything wrong. It's me! Do you know - have you the faintest inkling - what I've been through? I've been hurt, Severus! So deeply hurt! I once gave my heart to another - my young innocent heart - and he betrayed me! (pause) Then I gave it again - and got betrayed again! How many times can that happen to a woman before she stops trusting - before she's too afraid to ever love again?
SNAPE starts to say something - she abruptly stops sobbing AMY: Rhetorical question - don't answer! (pause, drying her tears) As you can see, I'm very high-maintenance.
SNAPE (awkwardly): I'm sorry, Amy, that you've been hurt - if only there were some way I could prove my love to you will be true and undying….
AMY abruptly whips out a tall flask from the picnic basket
AMY (brisk and businesslike): Oh, there is a way. The Isolde Potion. I just happen to have a flask of it right here.
SNAPE, although he is an erstwhile practitioner of the Dark Arts and a veteran who has battled legions of the most ferocious Death Eaters, is nevertheless shaken to the very core of his being.
SNAPE (shocked): The Isolde Potion - the most potent love potion ever known - its use has been prohibited for centuries - its very formula has been erased, it's not recorded anywhere, not even in our library's Restricted Section.
AMY dramatically brandishes the flask before SNAPE
AMY: I'm a direct descendent of Isolde, and this formula has been secretly handed down for generations in our family - this is the last remaining batch, brewed by Isolde herself just before she gave herself to the Knight Tristan. If you want to prove your love to me, Severus - here's how. We can be eternally bound together in indissoluble bonds of love and death - either that, or you can find yourself some other babe, Mister.
SNAPE: I don't know - I want you so, Amy, and yet…the potentially lethal effects of the…the possible repercussions - the irrevocable nature of the….
AMY (sobbing hysterically) I know, I know, you're afraid of commitment, a typical man. I should never have come up here!
SNAPE (steeling himself): No, Amy, don't. I love you - and I'll prove it. Fill the goblets.
Trembling, AMY opens the flask. She takes out two crystal goblets and fills them both with the contents of the flask.
AMY: You'll never regret this, Severus - I'll make you the happiest man who's ever lived - just as you've already made me the happiest woman.
AMY hands one of the goblets to SNAPE
AMY: But remember, Severus - once we drink the Isolde potion, it means that neither of us can exist apart from the other. We can be safely apart only as long as there is no barrier to our reunion. In the event of your death or our permanent separation, I am doomed to waste away and perish within a fortnight.
SNAPE: And I, likewise, am doomed to waste away and perish within a fortnight in the event of your death or our permanent separation.
AMY: Are you absolutely certain you go through with this?
SNAPE: I now realize how hollow my life has been- without the woman I love at my side.
AMY (brandishing the flasks): On the count of three, looking deep into the eyes of the beloved, we drink this intoxicating mixture - and our hearts - our very souls - will be forever united - in both love - and death…..
SNAPE: You will be the eternal object of my love.
AMY: Just as I will be of yours - bonds that can only be broken by death itself…on the count of three.
AMY and SNAPE raise their goblets
AMY & SNAPE: One - Two - Three.
AMY and SNAPE are both thrown to the ground by the powerful force of the Isolde Potion. For several moments, neither stirs. Once he regains himself, SNAPE raises AMY to him, and takes her confidently in his arms, kissing her ardently, literally sweeping her off her feet. He lowers her gently onto the blanket, and begins to disrobe her. A passing cloud covers the moon, bathing the scene in darkness.
AMY (from the darkness): "Sink down upon us, night of love, make me forget I live. Free us of its burdens, unchain us from this world."
SNAPE (from the darkness): “O endless night, sweet night! Glorious, exalted night of love! Those whom you embrace, on whom you smile, how could they ever awaken from you without dismay? Now banish fear, sweet death, ardently desired death in love! In your arms, devoted to you, ever-sacred glow, freed from the need to wake.”
AMY & SNAPE (from the darkness): “No names, no parting, newly perceived, newly kindled, ever unendingly, one consciousness, supreme joy of love glowing in our breast.”
Much heavy breathing for the next several minutes.
AMY (from the darkness): Oh, Severus, take me…..oh, I'm now yours, forever! Oh. please could you move that pitcher of Kool-Aid a little to the left before you spill it …….
We're Both at Home (to the tune of The Girl Back Home)
SNAPE
AMY:
Our whole array
SNAPE
AMY
SNAPE & AMY
Our whole array
With billywig stings
SNAPE ladles out some of the potion into AMY'S goblet - she savors its odor and then takes a sip.
AMY (radiantly): Oh, Severus, you've done it! This brew perfectly mimics the taste of a 1919 Château Lafite Rothschild. It will go so well with the candlelight dinner I'm going to prepare for you tonight - (seductively) you've never really had an MRE until you've tasted one of mine……
AMY embraces SNAPE warmly. He does not reciprocate
Oh, Severus, I've been so happy these last few months. You're everything I ever dreamed of - and more. (pause) Are you happy, too, sweetums?
SNAPE: Oh, yes, yes, I am - for the most part.
AMY: For the most part? Severus, there's something wrong, isn't there?
SNAPE (turning away): No, it's nothing really.
AMY (whose baby-talking is far more grotesque than Bellatrix's): Now, didn't we promise we would never keep secrets from each other, Sevvy Poo? You can tell your red hot Potion mama, can't you now? Hot Potion mama wants to know what bothers her big daddy Sevvikins…
SNAPE (wincing at the nicknames, taking out a newspaper from his robe): OK, OK, it's just this article in yesterday's Prophet.
AMY (in her normal voice, reading): "DURMSTRANG UNVEILS EXPANDED FACILITIES - Durmstrang Headmaster Igor Karkaroff today toured a visiting delegation of British parents through the newly expanded Durmstrang campus, proving to their satisfaction that his school was well-prepared to accommodate the expected influx of hundreds of former Hogwarts students. Karkaroff also announced the hiring of several former Hogwarts faculty members, putting fears of overcrowded classrooms led by under-qualified personnel to rest. The delegation was especially delighted by the lavish repast provided by Durmstrang's well-trained armada of enslaved house-elves. 'Eat as much as you like,' Karkaroff repeatedly urged his visitors, 'we've charmed away all of the calories.' Durmstrang's sprawling new weather-proof Quidditch field also elicited the admiration of all visitors. 'We'll create as many new teams as necessary to oblige the needs of our new students,' Karkaroff promised the parents.
"After the delegation departed, the Durmstrang Headmaster asked this reporter about recent happenings at Hogwarts, especially with respect to its new Headmaster Severus Snape. Her in-depth account, however, was interrupted several times by fits of uncontrollable giggling on Karkaroff's part, which he attributed to the after-effects of a 'Chuckling Hex' cast on him by Beauxbatons Headmistress Fleur Delacour ('angry that a significantly fewer number of Hogwarts students transferred to her school'). When he was shown a recent photograph of Hogwarts' embattled Headmaster, the effects of the hex hit him with such power that he was forced to conclude our….Continued on A-12."
SNAPE: Don't continue. Just the thought of that miserable hyena scavenging around our refuse heaps nauseates me. "Chuckling Hex," my ass! The man's rejoicing in my hardship. He gets to gloat simply because he's willing to relax his standards as others - namely, me - are raising theirs.
AMY: That's right, Severus.
SNAPE: When I served as a double agent in the Second War, Voldemort wanted to get him immediately. Voldemort always said that murder was too good for Karkaroff. "When I find him," he used to say, "I'm going to permanently transfigure him into a head louse." "No, Potter has to be our top priority," I said, "after we get Potter, we'll have plenty of time to go after the others." And that frigging Dark Lord idiot took my advice! If it wasn't for me, that scumbag would be enjoying a meal on top of Viktor Krum's scalp right now. And this is the thanks I get! (pause - with wistful regretfulness) And Voldemort couldn't even manage to get Potter….
AMY (indulgently): Oh, Severus, you get yourself all worked over nothing sometimes. So what if Karkaroff manages a lure a few of our students - or a few hundred even - remember, Hogwarts is all about quality, not quantity. So what if most of our students never came back after the Christmas holidays? So what if we only have a few hundred - or maybe less than hundred - students left? The key thing is that those who remain are top caliber - they're absorbing knowledge like sponges. So what if most of the faculty have abandoned you? Aren't I around to take up the slack?
SNAPE: That's true Amy - I'm grateful that you're not only teaching Potions, but also Herbology, Runes, Muggle Studies, Care of Magic Creatures, Arithmancy, Astronomy, Flying and History of Magic as well.
AMY: Not to mention all the new courses I've added: History of Magical Literature, History of Magical Poetry, Magical Art Appreciation, Magic Realism, Magic Theatre, Magical Sociology, Magical Home Economics, Magical Needlepoint as well as Choir/Toad-Handling. Do you see me complaining about my additional work responsibilities? No, I'm proud to be part of your team! And just remember - after only a few months, all of my students are performing at OWL and NEWT levels. That's solely because I've been following your educational guidelines.
SNAPE (taking Amy in his arms): If only the rest of my staff had your talent and dedication. You know how quick my critics are to seize upon and carp over every little problem.
AMY: Just forget about them, Severus. Focus on the Governors - all you have to do is prove that your Educational Decrees have elevated Hogwarts' academic standards. Lots of people are threatened by change, that's all. All these departing faculty and staff are simply an indication that we're moving in the right direction. Just remember: the man in the arena….the Governors are certain to grant their approval, then the story will end, and we'll live happily ever after!
SNAPE (his gloom seeming to abate): You're right, Amy - you always keep me focused - you keep me going in the right direction.
AMY (without enthusiasm): And we still have four faculty left - Tonks, Weasley, Flint and Lovegood. Poor dears, I suppose they're still here because no one else will hire them.
SNAPE: They're so incompetent compared to you. Their students don't progress by leaps and bounds the way that yours do. Their students are merely puttering along at age-level - their seventh-years are merely struggling to master their NEWTS, instead of having accelerated far beyond the requirements.
AMY (disrobing): All I can say - some of us have the knack - and some of us don't. (lasciviously) Sevvy, you make me so hot! How about a quickie - take me right here on the floor, I don't care how cold and drafty it is, I'll heat things up soon enough….
SNAPE (laughing, preparing to disrobe): That would make it or fourth one this morning and it's only - (looking at his watch) - Oh, God! I've completely lost track of time. I had called a faculty meeting this morning at 11 a.m. - almost two hours ago (sullen pause) I suppose they're going to use this as another reason to complain about me.
AMY: Well, you hurry along, Sevvy, I'll be there right behind you.
Exit SNAPE
I think I can salvage the situation….
AMY takes out a memo in the shape of a paper airplane, and waves her wand over it. She re-reads the memo. Satisfied, she exits toward the meeting
Our Snapey lived on a lonely island,
Lost with his anger and hostility
But twists of fate he'll not find beguilin'
Take him at last to love's mysteries……
You're no more teaching brews.
At Hogwarts, you're Headmaster
Of our crew, of our crew
In a voice cold and tart
But this year he will discover
That he too has a heart
Will your powers ebb?
Will you be caught up
In Potter's World Wide Web?
Will it lead to new war?
A Dark Lord is reviving
Heir to Lord Voldemort
Snapey Guy,
Snapey Guy!
Hair billowing like the ol' Whomping Willow tree.
He'll interview her
With her he'll soon team
By & by, marryin' he'll be.
Snapey guy, so ambitious,
Fully armed with his plans
Come and see what next will happen
When the shit hits the fan
Snapey Guy,
Snapey Guy!
With a half-priced Prince of Machiavelli
To instruct me in power politics
It has made me a hard-eyed realist
Who just thinks cynically of critics
There's some good to be found in ev'ry soul
But since I am a hard-eyed realist
Such naïve folk make my hard eyes roll
Need ruthless rulers who
Will show them where they need to go
Without firm leadership
We'll see nitpickers rip
Apart what we've tried hard to grow
It's a song that is neither sure nor sweet
Nasty, short, quoting Hobbes
Quite the brutal job
Leave the kitchen if you can't stand heat
Stand the heat……
We had to be taught
By Snape each year
We had to endure
Each jibe and jeer
He screamed we were dumb
And made points disappear
We were all by Severus taught.
By someone prone to apoplectics
With hygiene quite less than antiseptic
We were all by Severus taught.
For seven long years or for Marcus 'twas eight
To grate on our nerves was the thing he thought great
We were all by Severus taught
We were all by Severus taught.
With Snape this year
Could this mean the end
Of my career?
His name, I forgot,
Can mean "severe."
And now I'm Severus stuck…..
We get to be taught
By Snape this year
And see all the plans
He's engineered
He acts like he's mean
But he's really a dear
We will be by Severus taught.
Or join on a team for broomstick sports
But what do we care 'cause at Hogwarts
We will be by Severus taught.
Emboldened in heart and esprit de corps
By the greatest man since Albus Dumbledore
We will be by Severus taught
We will be by Severus taught.
Wonder how it'd feel
Sharin' the same dungeon,
Stirrin' up a potion,
Cauldron warm and full
How it rends his heart
Loneliness and sorrow.
Could I ever get my
Message through his skull?
I am so disliked
Probably I'd scare her.
She's a charming woman
I'm a little - rough
Angry man is he
Hogwarts stern Headmaster
Yet he's so unhappy,
Doesn't get enough…..
What if I should fail
Pitiful and puny
I'm like a school boy
Bullied by the fates.
Will he ask me out?
Could he be my boytoy?
Will I be his princess?
Will I have a date?
I'm gonna wash that grease right outta my hair,
I'm gonna wash that grease right outta my hair,
I'm gonna wash that grease right outta my hair,
And then I'll use some spray.
I'm/He's gonna boil that oil right off of my/his face,
I'm/He's gonna boil that oil right off of my/his face ,
And I'll/he'll look A-OK
I'll try to cleanse it off
Mop it up, wipe it up!
Trim it out, smooth it out
Soak it up, wring it out!
Disinfect till spic and span!
Yea, Sevvy!
I'm/He's gonna whack that plaque right off of my/his teeth,
I'm/He's gonna whack that plaque right off of my/his teeth,
I'm/He's gonna whack that plaque right off of my/his teeth,
And fight off tooth decay
If the gal is unsurpassing
If she makes your heart a-bloom
Rinse and floss, clean that rug
Rub that grime right off your mug
Yank a link out of Lockhart
And grudgingly learn to groom
Oho! If your mood is too sardonic
If you dress like you're entombed
Waste no time, re-create
Yourself as a fashion plate
Pluck a link out of Lockhart
And gingerly learn to groom
You can't get a bezoar when the goat is dead
No!
You can't stew a lacewing too long
Hmm, hmm!
You can't knot knotgrass if it's grown too green.
And you can't make your moonstone too strong!
You can't polish a nettle with that stuff from Ms. Scower
Or mollify a dragon with a puny power
Oh no! Oh no!
Take the eyes of puffer fishes
And the skin of shrivelfigs
Waste no time,
Brew a batch
See a brand-new Snapey hatch
If you want to win her heart
Let your ambitions be big!
Oho! Oho!
I'm gonna shove that black robe back on its shelf,
I'm gonna shove that black robe back on its shelf,
I'm gonna shove that black robe back on its shelf,
And brighter hues display.
He went and shoved that black robe back on its shelf,
He went and shoved that black robe back on its shelf,
He went and shoved that black robe back on its shelf,
And brighter hues displays!
I scowl and skulk
And say snarky things,
As I sneer and snap
My heart takes wing
When I look down
At the human race,
And I hold my nose
At each scrapgrace
Conflicts and fierce fights, for me
Stormy as great monsoons
If they dare give lip unto me!
Bitter and hostile, that's me
I grow quite curmudgeonly
Anger and fury, hatred and rage
Are ecstasy
And boys invade my school,
And break my rules as oft they do,
Then anger at their crime, have I,
Rigid detentions, give I,
Anger and fury, hatred and rage
Will terrify!
And when the girls
And boys invade our school,
And break our rules as oft they do,
Rigid detentions, give I/ apply
Anger and fury, hatred and rage
Will terrify!
We're both at home
Our favorite spot
We brew and mix
While stirring the pot
Amy and Snape
Our happiness is great
I'll spend this day with my special soul mate
And as he gets comfy and settled
We'll please our passion for potions with
Nettles, metals, petals
In kettles
Ingredients on display
As we convey
Magic soirees
With billywig stings
And boomslang skin
We'll put another
Lacewing in
We're both at home
Our favorite spot
I'll spend this day with my special soul mate
And as we get comfy and settled
We'll please our passion for potions with
Nettles, metals, petals
In kettles
Ingredients on display
As we convey
Magic soirees
And boomslang skin
Let's put another
Lacewing in