A filk by weirdsis to the tune of You're Beautiful by James Blunt.
AUNT MURIEL:
I'm one-o-seven
I'm one-o-seven
Give me your seat
Refill my goblet
My aching feet!
George, your ears look lopsided
Ron's hair is much too long
Xeno looks like an omelet
I'm freakishly strong
I'm Muriel, Aunt Muriel
I'm older now it's true
When I was young I had lots of fun
My company men would seek
Then my nose became a beak
The twins pulled a prank
The entire room stank
That's when I stopped coming 'round to the Weasley House
But I was once a popular witch
Got tiaras for gifts and loved to play Quidditch
I'm Muriel, Aunt Muriel
I'm older now it's true
When I was young I had lots of fun
But these days I feel so blue
I must take it out on you
I'm Muriel, Aunt Muriel
I'm older now it's true
Don't look at me that way--I'm still your great aunt
Once I get going I can really rant
I'd be nicer but I can't
Call me Princess Grumpy Pants
Stepping Stone (DH, Chap. 8)
A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of The Monkees Stepping Stone
SCRIMGEOUR:
I was his stepping stone.
I was his stepping stone.
When trying to take over our society,
He knew the only way was to get through me.
I swore him not back but he still did succeed
In placing his men on every Ministry scene.
I said
I was his stepping stone.
I was his stepping stone.
Was his stepping stone,
Was his stepping stone.
When I became Minister, didn't know I'd lose.
My murder should have made the front page news.
Should have been more careful 'bout the guards I used
Or not have misjudged Imperios by You-Know-Who.
I said
I was his stepping stone
I was his stepping stone
Was his stepping stone,
Was his stepping stone.
It Just Fell (DH, Chap. 8)
To the tune of If I Fell by the Beatles
THE SCENE: At Bill and Fleur's wedding, the Patronus of KINGSLEY SHACKLEBOLT delivers some rather bad news
SHACKLEBOLT (via his lynx Patronus):
It just fell into his hands
And Lord Voldy's in command
Up from the underground.
Rufus Scrimgeour now is dead
And the OOP has fled
Where we won't be found
The entire state is his -
I might suggest
That you Apparate
Because his gang is on the way
Aurors now join with DEs
So run and hide
Terror spreads like a disease
So leave the bride and groom
There is no more time to dance
Please make sure you take all your Uncles and your Aunts
Let us hope the Ministry
Remains without clue
And we find safety
Away from You-Know-Who.
(repeat last six lines)
It just fell and they pursue…..
Regulus Black (DH, Chap. 10)
To the tune of On the Right Track from Pippin
NOTE: The dialogue portions of the above vid have not been filked.
THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. KREACHER tells HARRY the syncopated story of R.A.B.'s heroic death.
KREACHER:
One day Reggie, lookin' dingy,
Came all by himself:
"You-Know-Who said, 'Don't be stingy,
I'm in need of your elf.'"
Voldy took me into a cave out
Of the way
To drink a brew he gave out
Given in the worst way
Though my anguish made the Dark Lord smile
I soon left, with a crack
I returned from Voldy's isle
All thanks to Regulus Black
HARRY/KREACHER:
Regulus Black/ uh hu hu hu
Regulus Black/ Hated DEs, Harry
Regulus Black/ Hated DEs, Harry
Regulus Black/ Hated DEs
KREACHER:
Reg said, "Look for….
HARRY:
….locket…
KREACHER:
…Take me …
HARRY:
….to the cave!"
KREACHER:
Drank all the potion
HARRY:
Locket he…
KREACHER:
…to me gave.
BOTH:
He resolved to die a hero's death
And quite soon was attacked
By some folk who had zero breath
So ended Regulus Black
HARRY/KREACHER:
Regulus Black/ uh hu hu hu
Regulus Black/ Hated DEs, Harry
Regulus Black/ Hated DEs, Harry
Regulus Black/ Hated DEs
KREACHER:
As I from that isle went, Reg said, "Stay mum!"
I kept silent, never told Reggie's mum.
But I have tried each elfish magic spell
All success I lack
Have I failed to execute my Master's request..?
HARRY:
His final behest
KREACHER:
I am so distressed
BOTH:
The locket I/you got from Reg……
KREACHER (spoken, breaking down in tears):
Oh, it'll never open...never ...never...never ...never!
HARRY (comforting the elf):
Easy, Kreacher!
We'll avenge Reg Black!
Another One Hides the Crux
A filk by Prankaholic to the tune of Another One Bites the Dust by Queen
Reg walks warily 'round the cave
And one thing does he know
The lake surrounding soon'll be his grave
Dead bodies ready to go
He is drinking, he is drinking something
He is keeping every drop to himself
Out of the water the corpses lift
Locket goes with elf, yeah
Another one hides the crux
Another one hides the crux
And another one lost, and another one lost
Another one hides the crux
Hey, he had a fake one too
Abother one hides the crux
REGULUS:
I'm dead by now, but I worked out your plan
And stole your precious bling
I will destroy it as soon as I can
A copy did I bring
And I'm hoping, when you meet your match
You'll be your mortal self
Out of the water the corpses lift
Locket goes with elf
Another one hides the crux
Another one hides the crux
And another one lost, and another one lost
Another one hides the crux
Hey, he had a fake one too
Abother one hides the crux
Another one hides the crux
Another one hides the crux-ow!
Another one hides the crux-hey, hey!
Another one hides the crux- heeeeeeeeeeeyeyeyeeey...
There are plenty ways you can hurt my elf
And twisting up his mind
You can choose him
You can use him
Nearly lose his life by leaving him behind
But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for death
I am about to lose myself
Out of the water the corpses lift
Locket goes along with the elf
Another one hides the crux
Another one hides the crux
And another one lost, and another one lost
Another one hides the crux
Hey, he had a fake one too
Another one hides the crux
Wham! Went the Pan on His Head (DH, Chap. 11)
To the tune of Zing! Went the Strings of My Heart (popularized by Judy Garland)
NOTE: The YouTube link above has Judy singing this song two different ways, the first slow and soulful, the second fast and jazzy. Take your pick!
Inspired by Marta's Clang! at Art Dungeon.
THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. KREACHER cracks the case of Mundungus Fletcher wide open.
KREACHER:
My master said to me, “Find him ASAP -
Mundungus Fletcher has fled!”
I say his name is Dung - let then his skull be rung
Wham! went the pan on his head.
He proved a slipp'ry bloke, harder to catch than smoke
And had enormous street cred,
But dared to pit himself 'gainst one determined elf
Wham! went the pan on his head.
The locket from Reg Black he stole
Now it's time for Whack-a-mole
I'm going back on the attack
To smack that sad sack.
My master told me, “Wait! I shall interrogate,
Let Dung say what should be said -
But should he still resist, you're our percussionist!”
Wham! went the pan on his head.
Magic Is Might
A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of Fortune Favors the Brave from the Broadway version of Aida by Elton John & Tim Rice
Voldemort and his Death Eaters are marching victoriously through the Ministry.
DEATH EATERS:
Oh, Oh
Magic is Might
Oh, Oh
Magic is Might
VOLDEMORT:
We have swept to glory,
Now my mastery expands
From the northern shore of Scotland
To the dry, dry southern sands
The more we vanquish, the more we kill,
The more they come to learn
The ministry is conquered,
All tremble my return
DEATH EATERS:
Oh, Oh
Magic is Might
VOLDEMORT:
It's all worked out, my road is clear
The lines of power extend
Way beyond my wildest dreams
Toward some great triumphant end
I seize the day
I turned the tide
I touched the stars
I mocked the grave
I now rule all magic lands
VOLDEMORT & DEATH EATERS:
Magic is Might!
VOLDEMORT:
The more we vanquish, the more we kill,
The more they come to learn
The ministry is conquered,
All tremble my return
Nothing is an accident
We are free to have it all
We are what we want to be
It's in ourselves to rise or fall
This is easy to believe
When greatest powers call to me
It's harder from the Hogwarts Hall
Magic's way to be free!
DEATH EATERS:
Oh, oh
VOLDEMORT:
Magic's way to stay young!
DEATH EATERS:
Oh, oh
DEATH EATERS: Magic is Might!
Voldy (DH, Chap. 12-13)
To the tune of Glory from Stephen Schwartz's Pippin
THE SCENE: The Ministry of Magic, Level One. Quintessential team player DOLORES UMBRIDGE finds her comfort level with the new regime.
UMBRIDGE:
Potter - your end will be bloody.....
Voldy! Voldy!
Voldy! Voldy!
Praise to the darkest of Lords
His fiats aren't ignored.
We're now all fully on board
Voldy! Voldy!
Voldy! Voldy!
Blood! Blood!
Blood impure is curséd
Blood with mud has to go
With mud has to go
And through the streets we'll make it flow
Steal!
Enter CHORUS OF MINISTRY OFFICIALS
CHORUS:
Steal!
UMBRIDGE & CHORUS:
Steal is what Mudbloods do
Steal to gain magic might
Gain magic might
A situation we'll set right
Read it all in his latest memo
See it all in his newest demo
Voldemort, you make all traitors tremor!
UMBRIDGE:
Peace!
Peace is nearly at hand
Peace we'll have in our time
UMBRIDGE & CHORUS:
Once we crush Potter and his slime
Read it all in his latest memo
See it all in his newest demo
Voldemort, you make all traitors tremor!
During the instrumental bridge, UMBRIDGE & CHORUS, accompanied by a few stray dementors and her Cat Patronus, engage in a Two-Minute Hate against Undesirable Number One, whose portrait is magically depicted behind the singers
We will help conquer that brat
You can all be sure of that
For we're the Ministry's top bureaucrats!
The portrait of Undesirable Number One is replaced by a portrait of - hmmm- Desirable Number One? - to which the Ministers pay homage
Voldy! Voldy!
Voldy! Voldy!
Voldy!
Portrait On The Wall
A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of Another Pyramid from the Broadway version of Aida by Elton John & Tim Rice
Snape and the Carrows are walking victoriously through Hogwarts with the staff watching helpesssly.
SNAPE:
While you were busy morning
Matters here have moved apace
Now looks like tide is turning
And the new plans are in place
I am made the new Headmaster
I suggest you all abide
Since the changes go faster
Time's no longer on our side
My most brilliant predecessor
Couldn't dodge his downfall
Now I as his successor,
Put his portrait on the wall!
There are many who'll be tearful
As our leader fades away
But the new colleagues are cheerful
And each dog must have its day
If our school is still to flourish
I must now take the lead
Be our inspiration, nourish
All our hopes our dreams our creed
Dumbledore would always know
What to do and whom to call,
Yet he had to end his show
As a portrait on the wall.
CARROWS:
Portrait, portrait!
Put his portrait on the wall!
SNAPE:
There was much time for mourning
Our plans were put on hold
CARROWS:
Hold!
SNAPE:
For I give the staff a warning
That before the corpse grew cold
CARROWS:
Cold!
SNAPE:
The new leaders came to power
Wizards' glory, strength and style
We shall have our finest hour
It's been coming for a while
He now has a tomb that's grand by
Any standards, seen by all
Let you all now be on stand by
Put his portrait on the wall!
CARROWS:
Portrait, portrait!
Portrait, portrait!
Portrait, portrait!
Portrait, portrait!
Portrait…
SNAPE (enters the Headmaster's office and leave the Carrows outside):
This next year will be hardest.
It might mark the rise and fall.
In the end, they might be proud to
Put my portrait on the wall.
Undesirable
To the tune of Extra-Ordinary from Stephen Schwarz's Pippin
Note: The title word should be pronounced UN-DEE-ZIE-ER-ABLE (last two syllables rhyme with table)
THE SCENE: HARRY, in DH extremis….
HARRY:
The Chosen One, the Boy Who Lived
Is now on the lam as a fugitive
When you're Undesirable
You gotta do Undesirable things
This is a time dark and intense
Starvin' to death as I hide in tents
When you're Undesirable
You're made to do Undesirable things
There's an answer I cannot see
How best I should respond
To oppose DEs and the Ministry
With just a broken wand.
And although this is major
Although this is vast
I'd have to wager that we finish last.
Voldy's launched a cabal
That wants to put the label
"Undesirable" on me.
And if Ron keeps on swearing
And Hermione's despairing
And our Gryffindor prospects seem bleak
If we're fleeing from Greyback
And we can't find our way back
Well, this isn't the worst day I've had this week….
I've come to be downright depressed
Wearing this locket upon my chest
When you're Undesirable
You have to do Undesirable things
Our next course of action's not easy to judge
And whoever would dream that we'd miss Cornelius Fudge?
I'm Undesirable
I have to do Undesirable things
I'm on a mission to finish the man
Who gave to me my scar.
So I'll design a Horcrux plan
If someone would just tell where the hell they are!
So keep us all safe, don't let me be framed
And stop me from blurting out Voldemort's name
For I must disable
That old miserable
Undesirable
LV!
Exit, pursued by Snatchers
Christmas Morning (DH, Chap. 16)
A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Six White Boomers
This was inspired when I wondered what Christmas carols are sung in the southern hemisphere. I did a Google search and found only one Australian carol called "Six White Boomers". I occurred to me that we know exactly where Harry and Hermione were on Christmas Eve in Deathly Hallows. So here is possibly the only Christmas carol ever set in a cemetery.
(spoken)
Harry and Hermione have spent all year on the road looking for something, they weren't sure what. On Christmas Eve, they find
themselves at a small churchyard cemetery where they feel certain they will find the resting place of Lily and James Potter.
(singing)
Alone upon a Christmas Eve, a-standing in the snow
Harry and Hermione see the church a-glow
Christmas? This is Christmas? They put those thoughts behind.
James and Lily's headstones were what they came to find.
Beside the little graveyard, a sign upon a stead.
"Go, Harry!" and "We love you" the standard said.
They cautiously moved forward, encouraged by the word
When out across the courtyard, Christmas bells were heard.
Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.
"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
Hermione said to Harry while the moonlight shone.
"Christmas morning won't be Christmas morning
'Till we find Lily's stone."
Harry searched the first row, Hermione took the next.
She tried to raise the mood under some pretext.
"If they aren't here, will you take it very well?"
Harry said, "I found one labeled Pev-er-ell."
"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
Hermione said to Harry while the moonlight shone.
"Christmas morning won't be Christmas morning
'Till we find Lily's stone."
Hermione called out "Hey! Look at what we've got!
The name is Dumbledore and it's the fam'ly plot!
Albus had a mum and she's buried here below.
Ariana is beside her 'neath the winter snow."
"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
Hermione said to Harry while the moonlight shone.
"Christmas morning won't be Christmas morning
'Till we find Lily's stone."
And that is when they found them, two markers side by side
James and Lily Potter and the date they died.
And Harry looked upon them and finally understood
A death is never wasted when the life was good.
"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
Hermione said to Harry while the moonlight shone.
"Christmas morning, it's now Christmas morning.
I guess I've always known."
It was the greatest Christmas gift that Harry ever had
That life wins over death and that can't be bad.
So put the past behind you and face today with cheer.
Gather friends and fam'ly all throughout the year.
"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
They shouted out together as they walked away.
Christmas morning, it's always Christmas morning
When love is in your day.
Give Harry Chase (DH, Chap. 17 & 32)
To the tune of Chantilly Lace by the Big Bopper (aka Jiles Perry Richardson, who died in the same plane crash that claimed the life of Buddy Holly on Feb. 3 1959)
THE SCENE: Lord Voldemort's Patronus (a Rat Snake) arrives with an urgent message for NAGINI
NAGINI (spoken):
Hello Voldy, yeah, this is the Big Viper speakin'!
Ha ha ha ha ha, oh you cruel thing!
Do I what?
Will I what?
Oh Voldy, you know that I'll strike!
(music) Give Harry chase at the Bagshot place
With a phony tale about a sword
Bewilderin' surprise
Bathilda's my disguise
Serving Voldy Lord
As I loiter in the lane
It'll be quite plain
When he is at the Hollow
He is sure to follow
When the candles get lit he' s gonna get it
I'll uncurl, oh Voldy that's when I'll strike!
Voldemort's Rat Snake Patronus shows up once more after the Christmas Eve attack asking for a progress report
(spoken, defensively) What's that Voldy, but, but, but….
Ohhhhhh Voldy,
But…..oh Voldy you know that I struck….
(music) Gave Harry chase at the Bagshot place
With a phony tale about a sword
Bewilderin' surprise
Bathilda's my disguise, Lord!
Serving Voldy Lord
As I loitered in the lane
It became quite plain
But then I got too squirmy
He was saved by Hermy
When the candles got dim I nearly got him
I uncurled, oh Voldy that's when I struck!
NAGINI is of course forgiven - how can you punish your own soul? Several months later, in the Shrieking Shack, Voldemort himself gives NAGINI another assignment
(spoken) What's that, Voldy?
Get Severus Snape, don't let him escape?
But Dark Lord, you make my blood run coldly, Voldy!
Ha ha ha ha ha
Oh alright, Voldy, you know that'll I'll strike!
(music) With skin like paste and a greasy taste
And a bony tail I'm grinding down
A bleakness in his eyes
And weakness as he dies, Lord!
Makin' his fans frown.
There ain't nothing more obscene
Than a snake death scene
But he is way too sallow
So I will not swallow
He'll get it in the neck, and he'll catch all heck,
I'll uncurl, oh Voldy that's when I'll strike!
NAGINI strikes, fatally wounding Snape
Tenting Tonight (DH, Chap. 19)
A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of Tenting Tonight/Tenting On The Old Camp Ground
HARRY, RON AND HERMIONE:
We are tenting tonight in the woods of Dean,
Hiding in mortal fear,
From You-Know-Who, and Death Eaters
Who'd love to find us here.
Many are the wizards out searching tonight
Serving You-Know-Who
Many are the others, fighting for the right,
Who know our cause is true!
Tenting tonight, tenting tonight,
Tenting in the woods of Dean!
HERMIONE:
For the Death Eaters carried out a coup
They took the Ministry
The Wizard World's run by You-Know-Who
And no one now is free!
Many are the witches that tried to make a stand
Who're now in a cell!
Many are the wizards freed from Azkaban
Who all should be in hell!
Tenting tonight, tenting tonight,
Tenting in the woods of Dean!
RON:
We have no more food, our fires are low
And our morale is frayed,
The Death Eaters are in the know
And we are all afraid!
Many are the wizards out fleeing in the night
Fleeing for their lives!
Many are the wizards who tried to make a fight
To save their kin and wives!
Tenting tonight, tenting tonight,
Tenting in the woods of Dean.
HARRY:
All the Muggle-Borns now are on the run
The Purebloods now have their way
The Death Eaters are having fun
And Voldemort holds sway!
RON AND HERMIONE:
Many are the reasons for not saying the name
Because it's been Tabooed!
Many are the reasons, you've just lost the game
And now we all are screwed!
Captured tonight, captured tonight,
Captured in the woods of Dean!
Silver Doe (DH, Chap. 19)
To the tune of Silver Bells
THE SCENE: The Forest of Dean. SNAPE'S Patronus to the rescue!
HARRY:
It's a snorefest in the forest
Way out here in the wilds
Not so much as
A creature is stirring
Then a bright glow, such a light show
Oh so gentle and mild
By this oddly familiar deer
Silver doe, silver doe,
Though it's unknown whose Patronus
See the deer disappear
But shows me Gryffindor's Sword
SNAPE:
Though he is dead,
Dumbledore said,
"Under valor and need
Is how Gryffindor's Sword
Must be taken."
In the pond drop
Just as Ron stops
By to do his good deed
And to help end Lord Voldy's career.
Silver doe, silver doe,
Once the Patronus of Lily.
Though it's weak, I'm a geek
When it comes to Lily E.
Silver Doe (DH, Chap. 19)
To the tune of Morning Glow from Pippin
THE SCENE: Deep in the Forest of Dean. The Trio, a sword, a Horcrux and an oddly-familiar Patronus.
HARRY:
Silver doe, silver doe
Leads me here so she can show
S of G in H2O
To slice the Horcrux through
Silver doe, do I know you?
RON:
Silver doe, I respond
Pulling Harry from the pond.
I rejoice to see our bonds
Of friendship forged anew.
Silver doe, do we know you?
BOTH:
Oh, silver doe, wherever did you go?
It's light and life which you bestow
HARRY & RON (antiphonally):
So, silver doe, bright outburst,
Inner demons Ron's/I've dispersed
The locket so greatly accursed
Has now been split in twain
HARRY:
Silver doe, you've kept us sane.
HARRY & RON take a deep breath so they can do justice to the spectacular climax
BOTH:
Silver doe, you're a dear
Nothing in you that's severe
As you spread Patronal cheer
Our burdens have been eased.
Enter HERMOINE, looking furious
HERMIONE:
Ron Weasley, I'm unappeased.
Exit RON precipitously, pummeled by HERMIOINE
I'll Smash a Horcrux This Christmas
A filk by the Blibbering Humdingers to the tune of I'm Getting Nothing for Christmas by S.Tepper and R. Bennet
HARRY:
I got gift from Dumbledore
Gave a Snitch to me
I do not know what it is for
Gave a Snitch to me
A putouter he gave Ron
We don't know whats going on
A little book for Her-me-on (um..ahem…Hermione)
Gave a Snitch to me…
OH I'll smash a Horcrux this Christmas,
Everyone thinks I've gone bad
Ron ran away before Christmas
My scar burns when Voldemort's mad.
Went to see my parents' grave
Gave a Snitch to me
Hermione my bum did save
Gave a Snitch to me
Bathilda smelled like rotting steak
Then she turned into a snake
Hermione my wand did break
Gave a Snitch to me
OH I'll smash a Horcrux this Christmas,
Everyone thinks I've gone bad
Ron ran away before Christmas
My scar burns when Voldemort's mad.
Ronald pulled me to the shore
Gave a Snitch to me
Got the sword of Gryffindor
Gave a Snitch to me
I was looking all a wreck
Broke the locket off my neck
Then Ron stabbed it all to Heck
Gave a Snitch to me
OH We smashed a Horcrux for Christmas
Hermione's gone totally mad.
Ronald came back after Christmas
My scar burns 'cause Voldemort's bad.
Deathly (DH, Chap. 21)
To the tune of Jerry Lee Lewis' 1958 hit Breathless
THE SCENE: The Lovegood residence. XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD tells the Trio all about The Deathly Hallows.
XENOPHILIUS LOVEGOOD:
My name is Lovegood,
This fine ol' sign
You can see it on that
Robe of mine
Three bros a bridge would cross
Show Death just who was boss
They would be....ahhh....Deathly!
Oh, the eldest one got an
Elder wand
He sure found out how
He'd been conned.
Second bro would raise the dead
Drove him out of his head
That is why they're....ahhh....Deathly!
Oh, Harry! Mm-mm! Hermy!
Beadle the Bard!
He put Lovegood on guard!
The youngest bloke took him a cloak
He was Death's buddy
When he croaked.
Now, come on, Harry,
I've confessed
'Cause I'm a believer, I've joined the Quest
Wand, stone, cloak, you know
Each one of them is a Hallow
That makes them....ahhh....Deathly!
Just Stop Thinking About The Hallows (DH, Chap. 22)
To the tune of Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorow by Fleetwood Mac
THE SCENE: The Middle of Nowhere. HERMIONE is concerned over HARRY'S increasing obsession over the Deathly Hallows
HERMIONE:
You should wise up and swiftly curtail
Any interest in Beadle tales
You are obsessed with wand and stone
They're two things that should be left alone
Just stop thinking about the Hallows,
Just stop, do not lend an ear
It's a mere idle bit of lore
Cloak, wand and stone, cloak, wand and stone
HARRY:
Though you think that it's merely smoke
But I have the Invincible Cloak
If I get the other two
Just think how I'll mar You-Know-Who.
Won't stop thinking about the Hallows,
Won't stop, now it is all clear
I will be besting Voldemort
Cloak, wand and stone, cloak, wand and stone
In the Snitch, the Stone is revealed
Voldy wants to the Elder steal
I know you don't believe that its true,
"Narrow-minded," so Xeno called you.
HERMIONE:
Just say "Horcrux" and don't say "Hallows",
Just stop, let your mind be clear
It won't be stopping Voldemort
Three Horcrux gone, three Horcrux gone…
Dont get off-track
Dont get off-track…..
We Need a House-Elf (DH, Chap. 23)
To the tune of Up On The Housetop
THE SCENE: When trapped at the Malfoy Manor, who you gonna call?
HERMIONE:
We need a house-elf, that's because
We fell into Greyback's claws
To Malfoy's Mansion we have been towed
Bellatrix says I'll be Crucio'd
TRIO:
Hey, Dobby! Please rescue me!
Hey, Dobby! Please rescue me!
We need a house-elf, quick, quick, quick
The Malfoy clan are all pyschotic
HARRY:
First, Ollivander and Luna go
Pete drops by to say hello
I saved him once, so we share a bond
Pete's handed off to the Great Beyond
TRIO:
Hey, Dobby! Please rescue me!
Hey, Dobby! Please rescue me!
We need a house-elf, quick, quick, quick
The Malfoys ain't too altruistic
RON:
Dobby displays all his heroics
Helps to free Hermy from Bellatrix
Just to make sure that the coast is clear
Does The Phantom thing to the chandelier.
TRIO:
Hey, Dobby! You've rescued me!
Hey, Dobby! You've rescued me!
Bella a knife throws, she's so sick!
This song will end kind of traumatic.
Elf Gone (DH, Chap. 24)
To the tune of Love Song from Pippin
THE SCENE: As HARRY non-magically digs Dobby's final resting place, he thinks of their long and not always harmonious relationship
HARRY:
Coming to my house and breaking my bones
Catching a sock for freedom
Leaving his abode to live on his own
Now I must sing his requiem….
Dobby the
Elf's gone-- la la la la la la la la la la
Elf gone-- la la la la
Hats made by Hermy and a gillyweed gift
Keeping him from head-beating
Fighting with Kreacher 'cause he was so miffed
Secret room for DA meetings
Dobby the
Elf's gone-- la la la la la la la la la la
Elf gone-- la la la la
Our need was never greater
At a summons you came to save us
If there's a truly loyal thing
It's truly elves
You should get a send-off more ornate and grand
Like the one we gave Dumble
I'd know you'd be the first to understand
My tribute to you so humble
Dobby the
Elf's gone-- la la la la la la la la la la
Elf gone-- la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la la la la...
Gran's on the Run
A filk by Louise Freeman Davis to the tune of Band on the Run by Paul McCartney and Wings
Neville, bruised and battered, gazes forlornly out the window of the Room of Requirement
NEVILLE:
Stuck inside a dark Hogwarts.
Stuck here with the Carrows.
Never seeing no one nice again like you
Granny, you...
Granny, you...
Musical interlude, as other DA members gradually enter room. Neville becomes less melancholy and more agitated, and begins pacing the room
NEVILLE:
If I ever get out of here
Gonna get me some Devil's Snare
Gonna use it on Bellatrix.
I gotta buncha new hexes to share
If I ever get out of here!
ALL:
If we ever get out of here!
Musical interlude, during which an owl flies through the window, dropping a letter in Neville's lap. He opens it, reads, initially looks shocked, then breaks into a grin, leaps onto a chair and sings to group.
NEVILLE:
Well. they knew I was leading an army of kids after Luna and Ginny fell.
They thought if they took hostages, resistance they could quell.
Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run!
Augusta fought! They musta thought, she'd crumble like a leaf, but now
Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run!
They sent one lone Death Eater to capture her, sweet old lady meek and mild
Who minded her manners in her vulture hat and raised her "Squib" grandchild.
Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run!
She called out, then the Dawlish lout, is off to St. Mungo's!
And now Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run!
ALL:
Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run!
NEVILLE:
Well, I got a letter telling me she's proud I'm breaking the Carrows' rules!
In this Room we're hiding and we'll keep on fighting till we lib'rate Hogwarts School!
ALL:
Gran's on the run! Gran's on the run!
NEVILLE: (slower)
I won't be sad, I'm like my dad, I'm fightin' the Death Eaters!
With my...
ALL:
Gran on the run! Gran on the run! Gran on the run! Gran on the Run!
I'm Only Second Rate (DH, Chap. 31)
A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of You're Only Second Rate from Aladdin II: The Return of Jafar
HELENA RAVENCLAW (aka the GREY LADY):
I must admit
My potion skills aren't quite perfect.
But I should get to pass up
My dear old mum!
At every chance
To do better than her
I look to be dumb!
C'mon, Mum,
Let senility come!
I try to win her
With a cheering charm,
But niceness gets me nil…
Or even disarmed!
I'll guess it's just my fate.
Ever since my birthdate,
I have been second rate!
My transfiguration has
Won me some acclaim,
But Mum says I must learn
More to win magic fame,
So for my education,
She reiterates!
Guess I'm just second rate!
Men cower at the power
She possesses,
But I can't even buy
Rank on the list!
At a flick of her wrist,
I am invisible!
Put me to the test!
Please let me have this one chance to impress!
Go ahead and try me;
You might be surprised!
Can disillusion;
Vanish 'for your eyes!
Cause conjunctivitis
Or simply apparate!
But still I'm second rate!
Every time, learn my magic
Isn't quite enough.
For against Rowena,
I don't measure up.
Let me extrapolate
Upon my sorry state
I can't be second rate!
Avada Kedavra!
I could use it on ya!
No. Expelliarmus
Is enough, 'cause I've something to discuss!
That crown keeps knowledge in her head!
If I took it, it'd be in mine instead!
Soon I will grab her crown;
Turn my frown upside down!
I'll share all of her wisdom,
And with no more wait!
When I get the diadem
That she thinks so great,
I won't be second rate!
Speaking in Parseltongue (DH, Chap. 31)
To the tune of Billy Joel's Only The Good Die Young
THE SCENE: RON tells Hermione of his plan to finish off the fourth Horcrux
RON:
OK, Hermione, I've got a hunch
To quickly help our side a bunch
And to give to the Horcrux a murderous punch
Let's think back when I was young…..
Well I once went with Harry, I once went with Gild
We heard Moaning Myrtle tell how she got killed
And Harry proved himself to be bilingually skilled
As sibilant songs he sung
Speaking in Parseltongue
That's what he said
Speaking in Parseltongue
Speaking in Parseltongue
The basilisk filled him with a terrible dread
He took G's sword, he struck it dead
The poisoned fangs it had in its head
From the Chamber might still be sprung….
So come on, Hermione, to the girls' room
We'll descend into the basilisk's tomb
Its fangs are still fatal, we've got to assume
Let Hufflepuff's cup be stung
Hermy, I'll say it in Parseltongue
I tell it only in Parseltongue
Speaking in Parseltongue
I give a nice loud hiss
For of Harry I make imitation
We see it open wide
Mm and we downward slide
So, Hermione, stay close until we
Get to our destination
But it's decomposed
We both had better keep hold of our nose
I give you the fang so you can make it destruct
You say I'm brilliant, I say merely "shucks"
Let us now bid a farewell to another Horcrux
The Dark Lord can eat my dung
And I can say that in Parseltongue
I would tell Voldy in Parseltongue
Speaking in Parseltongue
And we had better take some
Time to ensure the elves' liberation
Our voyage to the C of S
Has now been proven such a great success…
Come on, come on, come on Hermione
Tell Harry this
We sought out a serpent, I gave it a hiss
Then we embraced in a passionate kiss
Let wedding bells soon be rung
For I have spoken in Parseltongue
Hiss it, Hermy
For I am speaking Parseltongue….
Kept Tryin' (DH, Chap. 31)
A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Tom Petty's Free Falling
THE BLOODY BARON:
Was a good girl, loved great wisdom.
Loved reading and application too.
Was a sweet girl, crazy 'bout charming.
Loved Hogsmeade and our Hogwarts, too.
Was a hard time- loving dear Helena.
Said there's no way that I'd earn her regard,
'Cause I'm a Baron and couldn't really "get" her.
Her attitude had broken my heart.
Yet I kept, kept tryin'.
Yeah I kept, kept tryin'.
Then, Helena's walkin' through the forests
'Cause she stole Rowena's diadem.
Kept thinking I saw her hiding in the shadows,
But she was gone when I looked straight at them.
But I kept, kept tryin'.
Yeah I kept, kept tryin'.
Kept tryin', yeah I kept tryin', yeah I.
Kept tryin', yeah I kept tryin', yeah I.
And now we glide through Hogwarts passageways.
When I could take rejection no more
Used a dagger to kill my true love,
So I'll always drag chains 'cross the floor.
'Cause I kept, kept tryin'.
Kept tryin', yeah I kept tryin', yeah I.
Kept tryin', yeah I kept tryin', yeah I.
Yeah I kept, kept tryin'.
If I Harry Kill (DH, Chap. 33)
To the tune of Blueberry Hill by Fats Domino (Domino = Domine = Lord)
THE SCENE: Hogwarts & the surrounding areas. Not only did LORD VOLDEMORT take over the Malfoy Manor and seize Lucius' wand, he's also swiped the Malfoy Karaoke machine, which he uses to broadcast a message to Hogwarts' embattled forces……
VOLDEMORT (as a disembodied voice):
I won't blood spill if I Harry kill
If I Harry kill, I will spare you
My will is ill till Harry I kill
I'll wait until this hour is through
The wand that's a Hallow gives
A sweet victory
And what of the Boy Who Lived?
He'll die dreadfully
Thanks to Dark Arts, depart soon he will
There'll be a big chill when I Harry kill.....
A Dumbledore Kedavra (DH, Chap. 33, 35)
To the tune of A Little More Mascara from Jerry Herman's La Cage Aux Folles
THE SCENE: DUMBLEDORE'S office, as he confirms that SNAPE is truly DDM.
DUMBLEDORE:
Like a fool I was sorely tempted by the ring of old Marvolo Gaunt
Bringing Ariana and my parents back was a thing I dearly did want
With some odd bifurcation 'twixt reckless enchantment and churlish complaint
I find I'm attended by Severus after a mighty curse made me faint
He reports that a jinx he has trapped in my hand must eventually spread
But I tarried too long, and I can't buy more time, and in months I'll be dead
So the Dark Lord, you see, is now at my mercy……..
When hexed by a not-too-nice ring, so I've got only a year before I'm gone
I'll do the self-sacrifice thing, and put a Dumbledore Kedavra on.
SNAPE:
We're soon to lose the Ministry, and Voldy will make himself the Hegemon.
I'll put you out of your misery, and put a Dumbledore Kedavra on.
BOTH:
And it will be flash of green! Tower fall! Phoenix flight!
And then a funeral with much ado
'Cause when I/you my/your maker meet, daisies push, bucket kick
You'll/I'll be in good graces with good ol' You-Know Who!
SNAPE:
When Bellatrix comes to call with a witch or two
And the Dark Lord picks Draco to be his pawn
We'll pull off the old switcheroo
And wham! We will bamboozle DE spawn!
DUMBLEDORE:
Sure as the Cannons finish last
I'll end with a Canonic blast
And put a Dumbledore Kedavra on.
BOTH:
And it will be portraiture! R.A.B.! Marble tomb!
You/I won't have to break your/my Vow, you'll/I'll save Draco's soul
'Cause ev'ryone's thunderstruck, flabbergast, woebegone
When Albus gets blown away, and Snape's on a roll!
SNAPE:
When all my fans have completed The Half-Blood Prince,
They'll have to wait two years till the next book's read.
DUMBLEDORE:
We'll leave them with hardly any hints
And literally we will knock them dead!
By your AK, I'll not be hurt
SNAPE:
I give to you a nod that's curt.
You won't compose your epitaph
DUMBLEDORE:
But we will get the final laugh
SNAPE:
I may have loathing on my face.
DUMBLEDORE:
Your name will be in deep disgrace
BOTH:
But Potter must get the tiara,
And so our Dumbledore Kedavra's on.
Flash of green! Tower fall!
Portraiture! R.A.B.!...On! Portraiture! R.A.B.!...
Phoenix flight! Marble tomb!
Thunderstruck, woebegone, on! Thunderstruck, woebegone, on!
Lily's Letter (DH, Chap. 33)
A filk by Potioncat to the tune of The Letter by the Boxtops
Scene: 12 Grimauld Place, shortly after Dumbledore's death. Snape rushes in, dashes up to Sirius's old room and is frantically seaching for something.
SNAPE:
Got to get a picture of Lily's smile
Haven't seen her face in a long while.
Dumbledore is gone. Going it alone.
I know Lily must-a wrote him a letter.
Got to get something to remind me of her,
Just to give me strength so I will endure.
Dumbledore is gone. Going it alone.
I know Lily must-a wrote him a letter.
Well, I know Lily's letter
Would give me the strength to face Voldemort.
Got to find her picture so that I can do what
I promised Dumbledore,
Anything…
repeat
Lily
A filk by Kristi Miller to the tune of Lady by Kenny Rogers
SNAPE:
Lily, I should have never followed the Dark Lord and I am sorry
He has made you what you are because of me
My love, there are so many days I want to say 'I love you'
And wish my words could reach beyond the veil
They had gone and made me such a fool
How could you give Potter your love?
And oh, why did I call you 'Mudblood'?
Why couldn't you believe my apology?
Lily, for so many years I wished I'd never lost you
The boy has come into my life and is like his father
Junior is like his father in each and every action
Let your memory keep my purpose crystal-clear
In his eyes I see no one else but you
There are times I can barely look
And yes, oh yes, I'll always remember my promise
I've wanted to amend for so long
Lily, I know you can't hear what I say
That beside you is where I wished I could be
Cause, my love, there's something I want you, you know
You're the love of my life you're my Lily!
Deathly Hallows
A filk by Snape's Mistress to the tune of Moonlight Shadow by Mike Oldfield
The song follows the interaction between Snape and Harry since the death of AD until the final meeting in the FF.
The last that Harry ever saw him
Standing amidst Malfoy and the Carrows
He looked all angry and revolted
Cleaning the mess of a boy too callow
Abiding Riddle that ominous night
Up above in the tower high
He was caught by the terms of the Unbreakable Vow
And he couldn't find how to push through
Harry saw the two of them speaking
About one third of the Deathly Hallows
Riddle thought he knew the key to winning
Snape became prey of a mind too narrow
All he saw was the silhouette of a wand
Right up there, in the Shrieking Shack
He was bit just once but one bite was enough
And he couldn't find how to push through
I stay, I pray, "Look at me" is all he can say,
Then drifts away to the other side of the Veil.
Four a.m. in the morning
Sitting before a stone basin shallow
He watched his memories unfolding
Telling a tale that was kept in shadows
Past flows slowly in the silvery stuff
Caged for years in a broken heart
Will you go to talk with her this night?
But he couldn't find how to push through
A man in pain, sticking to the good side all the way.
He meets his fate. See you in heaven one day.
Far away on the other side...
Clinging to life on his last chance to survive
The dawn was heavy and the air was alive,
And he finally found how to push through.
I Will Join Them All Beyond the Veil (DH, Chap. 34)
A filk by Murasaki to the tune of I Will Follow You Into the Dark by Death Cab for Cutie
Harry comes to grips with the realization of what he must do to defeat Voldemort.
HARRY:
Voldemort, now I will tie the score,
And those who fell before--
I'll join them all beyond the veil.
Fate's rolled the dice; now I'll pay the price.
This is my sacrifice
To ensure good will prevail.
If the Prophecy divines that the both of us must die
For from the artifacts your seven souls to fly;
If I must die to kill you in this epic tale,
Then I'll join them all beyond the veil.
To my aid compelled, as I stood and yelled,
I saw my god-dad felled
By a lady in black.
One year passed; my headmaster unsurpassed
Was hit by a killing blast
And he never came back.
If the Prophecy divines that the both of us must die
For from the artifacts your seven souls to fly;
If I must die to kill you in this epic tale,
Then I'll join them all beyond the veil.
My friends and me left your souls as done debris:
Your diary to Nagini,
And the last soul's in me; you're in me imbued.
It's either me or you,
There's nothing else left to do;
Then I will go across
To a place like King's Cross . . .
If the Prophecy divines that the both of us must die
For from the artifacts your seven souls to fly;
If I must die to kill you in this epic tale,
Then I'll join them all beyond the veil.
Then I'll join them all beyond the veil.
Stay Close to Me (DH, Chap. 34)
A filk by weirdsis and Bandersnatch to the tune of Superman (It's Not Easy) written by John Ondrasik, performed by Five for Fighting
YouTube video of this filk here!
HARRY
On my way to die,
Loved ones walk with me.
The forest again --
This is my destiny.
There's only one way this madness will end.
My task is to give my life up for my friends.
As I walk to the close, stay close to me.
They tell me they will stay
With me 'til the end.
I ask if there's pain.
Reassurance Padfoot lends.
You gave up your lives, didn't want you to die.
"For a happier world," Moony sighs.
Now they walk with me, they are part of me.
They'll protect me through this swarm of fiends.
As I walk to the close, stay close to me.
We search through the dark
So I can make my final stand.
I feel separate from myself,
Focused only on how it ends.
On my way to die,
Loved ones walk with me.
Neither can survive,
That's how it has to be.
My life comes to this, my ultimate goal.
Yes, I must die to kill an evil soul.
Won't fight him back, but I won't lose control.
Please give me strength to play this final role.
Stay close to me.
Stay close to me.
Stay close to me.
Stay close to me.
Stay with me mum, walk next to me, dad.
Thank you for life and for giving me love.
Please stay with me mum, walk next to me, dad.
As I walk to the close...
As I walk to the close, stay close to me.
I Must Die (DH, Chap. 34)
A filk by Nelsongirl to the tune of On My Own from Les Miserables
THE SCENE: Harry is walking through the forest and realizes that he must surrender himself to Voldemort.
HARRY:
As I am walking through the forest, I realize that it's the end now
There is no turning back from it, my fate is sealed, I must face him now
I'll give myself to him
And when I'm dead, then we will win
I didn't say goodbye to Ginny or to Ron and to Hermione
I feared that they'd become upset, although they'll be when they will find me
But it's the only way
We'll win the war if I'm his prey
I must die, for I'm the seventh Horcrux
I must die, so Voldemort will as well
When he tried to kill me as a baby,
The curse rebounded, so I ended up with part of his soul
I must die, for as the prophecy said
We must both be either alive or dead
I found and destroyed all the Horcruxes
Except the seventh one that is the one inside me right now
And I guess that death won't be so bad
I'll see Sirius and my mum and dad again
Even so, I can't help feeling sad
That I can't have a normal life
I wanted to become an Auror
To marry and maybe have some children
To live long and savor every moment
And finally get a rest from all my horrible adventures
So many men and women perished
In the years-long fight against the Dark side
And now it's my turn to do my duty
Though letting go of life is really hard, I still must try
I'll let go
I'll let go
I'll let go
And then I'll finally die
Open at the Close (DH, Chap. 34)
To the tune of Rock Around the Clock by Bill Haley and the Comets
THE SCENE: The Forbidden Forest. Into the Woods, in his Agony and Lament, HARRY discovers that No One Is Alone.
HARRY (as he splits apart the Snitch):
There's no way to cope, as my woe grows
I'm at the end of rope, as my woe grows
I have not the faintest hope, as my woe grows
It's gonna open at the close tonight
Enter the ethereal quartet of JAMES, LILY, SIRIUS & LUPIN
LUPIN:
You'll let Lord Voldy knock you dead
`Cause a Horcrux's stuck inside your head
It's gonna open at the close tonight
You'll expose yourself to foes outright
HARRY & QUARTET:
Gonna ope, gonna open at the close tonight
JAMES:
My son, you've got your mother's eyes
We'll usher you to a brave demise
It's gonna open at the close tonight
He'll depose the Chosen One, all right.
HARRY & QUARTET:
Gonna ope, gonna open at the close tonight
Instrumental interlude, as HARRY'S jitters are replaced with jitterbugging
SIRIUS:
We four came down to you from heaven
Tragic ending for Book Seven
It's gonna open at the close tonight
You will doze through those eternal nights
HARRY & QUARTET:
Gonna ope, gonna open at the close tonight
LILY:
When the two of us meet face to face,
There won't be a dry eye in the place
It's gonna open at the close tonight
Gonna die in prose of Jo's tonight
HARRY & QUARTET:
Gonna ope, gonna open at the close tonight
Second instrumental interlude, with further jitterbugging by the Quintet, which suggests that Death really is the Next Great Adventure. HARRY & QUARTET enter the Death Eaters' Camp
HARRY
What a clumsy-ox, I have dropped the stone
And I face the Dark Lord all alone
It's gonna open at the close tonight
VOLDEMORT:
And my blows are unopposed tonight
HARRY, VOLDEMORT & CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS:
Gonna ope, gonna open at the close tonight!
VOLDEMORT casts the AK curse on HARRY, causing both of them to crumple to the ground.
This Can't Be Death
To the tune of This Can't Be Love, from Rodgers & Hart's The Boys from Syracuse
NOTE: This You-tube performance linked above only offers the 2nd and 4th stanzas
THE SCENE: At a King's Cross simulacrum, HARRY has a musical Near-Deathly Experience.
HARRY:
In the Forest I met up with Voldemort
Who could never be described as anti-war.
And he cried aloud,
"Now, I shall strike you dead!"
So he said….
This can't be death 'cause I am so alive
No pain, no headache, no stars.
This can't be death, the Boy Who Lived revives,
AK'd this time with no scar.
It seems that time stands still
But I'm afresh
I've got my flesh, blood and bone.
This can't be death 'cause I am so alive
And, hey, I have 20/20 eyes.
Enter DUMBLEDORE
DUMBLEDORE:
We can see an ugly baby on the floor
I'm afraid it symbolizes Voldemort
Though it seem in-
-Decent just to let it yelp
You can't help…..
This isn't death because you're still alive
So brave, so noble, so true
This isn't death, forgive what I'd contrived
To keep my secrets from you.
Your blood in Voldy's veins
Lets you draw breath
Keeping you tethered to life
HARRY & DUMBLEDORE
This isn't death because I'm/you're still alive
And it's the Dark Lord's turn to demise…..
Dumbledore's Confession (DH, Chap. 35)
A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of Love of Your Love from Xena the Warrior Princess
This is what Dumbledore was saying to Harry at King's Cross
DUMBLEDORE:
Yes I lied
All along I had been covering the truth
Set you up for the slaughter
I sacrificed your innocence and youth
That I could simply will it
Was the real untruth
I was wrong
I wore a mask to cover my deceit
But underneath it all I couldn't keep away my doubt
Now I'm left without a mask
With one question left to ask
I'm sorry, please help me, forgive me
Don't hate me, don't judge me, forgive me
Forgive me my tricks as only you could
Forgive me the hate, replace evil with good
Forgive me and find out that you
Will proudly yet make it through
My Ariana
I've never given you a moment of my time
I didn't know the days we had left were so few
If I only knew
I'd have spent them with you
I'm so sorry
I couldn't be the brother you deserved
It's in the crossfire, that you were caught
And your last word
That I never heard
Now it seems absurd
Can you forgive me?
Open up your heart and let me in
No matter if my magic had been torn
There's one thing through all of this I've learned
That what I need from you is to forgive me,
I'm sorry, believe me
Stop hating, stop hurting, forgive me
Forgive those who harmed you
Do good for those who hate
Forgive if not forget
I know it's not too late--
Forgive me and you'll discover too
I'll be reunited with you
I Just Took His Life (DH, Chap. 36)
To the tune of You Must Meet My Wife from Sondheim's A Riddle Night - I mean, A Little Night Music
THE SCENE: The Boy Who Lived and the Lord Who Died waltz their way through DH's final chapter.
VOLDEMORT:
Of him I am rid, He-
Who-Lived lives no more,
I guess I'm a little giddy,
Help me off the floor.
At long last I have won, I'm done with this strife.
I just took his life.
My hex diabolic,
Narcissa confirms,
Makes Potter ex-metabolic,
He's mere food for worms.
I'll use a Crucio to show how he fell
I just took his life, my Bell.
One hundred times he has escaped me
But his exodus I found pleasant
What happiness 'twill bring to Snapey
Oh, but wait, I'd forgotten, he's not in at present….
The son of James Potter
And Lily, his wife
'Twas so long ago I got her
And him with my knife
Just watch me now and see how far I can go--
I just took his life, you know.
HARRY [aside, spoken]: Dear Narcissa, Draco's just longing to see you. In the castle.
VOLDEMORT:
He crumbles..
HARRY [aside]:
So you think.
VOLDEMORT:
Like Dumble...
HARRY [aside]:
Not quite.
VOLDEMORT:
My curses have caused him to shrink --
HARRY [aside]:
This Dark Lord ain't bright.
VOLDEMORT:
By idiosyncratic….
HARRY [aside]:
Hor...?
VOLDEMORT:
--crux once rife,
I just took his life.
HARRY (spoken, aside, thinking of his parents):
Yes, I'll trust. I'll really trust. Now--
VOLDEMORT:
Tell Hagrid….
HARRY [aside]:
It's awesome….
VOLDEMORT:
…..Convey kid…
.
HARRY [aside]:
….My ruse.
VOLDEMORT:
….To school.
HARRY [aside]:
Though I am playing possum,
Voldy's still obtuse.
VOLDEMORT (abruptly shouting an order to Hagrid):
I now reveal a---STOP!
HARRY [aside]:
A Harry inert.
VOLDEMORT:
Ha! Ha!
HARRY [aside]:
Now?
VOLDEMORT (ordering Hagrid to drop Harry):
Flop!
HARRY [aside]:
He now speaks of me rude.
VOLDEMORT:
He's dirt.
HARRY [aside]:
Yet unhurt.
VOLDEMORT:
The Chosen One, you see him vanquished,
By my Killing Curse overpowered.
Resistance to me has all been squished,
And so triumphs the Devil…
HARRY (revealing himself to Voldemort, as Neville brandishes the Sword of Gryffindor):
But Neville's
No coward!
VOLDEMORT:
You live on!
HARRY:
You're livid!
VOLDEMORT:
Fetch Bella!
HARRY:
She died.
VOLDEMORT:
You should have been slain at Privet.
HARRY:
Your wish is denied.
VOLDEMORT:
Don't call me any names--
HARRY:
Like?
VOLDEMORT:
"Old Tommy R."
HARRY:
I'd go that far.
VOLDEMORT:
I'll re-take your life.
HARRY:
But you are what you are….
VOLDEMORT:
My certainties have turned to maybes
As you urge me on to repentance.
I'd rather be an ugly baby
Than relinquish my power --
HARRY:
You've earned your death sentence!
You're monstrous!
VOLDEMORT:
I'm fright'ning!
HARRY:
Unfeeling!
VOLDEMORT:
Uncursed!
I'll strike as the tension's tightening--
HARRY:
No, I'll strike you first.
VOLDEMORT:
My fierce offense, my devastation--
HARRY:
You're cursed!
VOLDEMORT (as his AK rebounds upon him):
No!
HARRY:
Yes!
VOLDEMORT:
No!
HARRY:
Riddle!
VOLDEMORT:
I just lost my life.
HARRY:
We'll exult with drum and with fife.
VOLDEMORT:
What went wrong?
HARRY:
You just lost your life.
VOLDEMORT/ HARRY:
Yes, I/you just. Yes, I/you just...
Things We Did Today
To the tune of Things We Said Today by the Beatles
THE SCENE: Gryffindor Commons - THE TRIO debrief after the tumult of DH's final chapters.
RON:
Opening the Chamber
With a strangled hiss.
HERMIONE:
Embracing my lover
With a fervent kiss.
HARRY:
Grabbing the tiara
With the Fiendfyre holding sway
TRIO:
We'll always remember
Things we did today.
HERMIONE:
Percy a repenter,
Molly waging war
RON:
Giants and dementors,
Bodies on the floor
HARRY:
One remaining Horcrux
Neville using the sword to slay
TRIO:
We'll always remember
Things we saw today.
RON:
Voldy said, "The elder wand
Won't be mine until I Snapey strike."
HERMIONE:
Turns out that Vold was conned
Snape was Dumble's man, he was in love…
HARRY:
….with Lily Evans
(She's my mum, you know)
Since the age 11.
So a silver doe
Became his Patronus
That he sent us to show the way
TRIO:
We'll always remember
Things we heard today.
Voldy thought, "The elder wand
Now is mine because I Snapey struck."
But in the Great Beyond
Vold is doomed to cry. But there is grief
Enough on our side
We must bid adieu
Fred and Tonks and Lupin
Colin Creevey, too
If we would have freedom
There's a price that we have to pay
We'll always remember
Those we lost today.
Alastor, Hedwig, and Tonks
A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Abraham, Martin, and John by Dion (or Leonard Nimoy if you have it)
HARRY (pondering the deaths of some of his closest friends):
Has anybody here seen my old friend Alastor?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
He was cursed by Voldy when he tried to help me escape
I turned around and he's gone.
Anybody here seen my old friend Tonks?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
She fought the battle of Hogwarts and somehow she got cursed
I just looked at her but she's gone.
Anybody here seen my good owl Hedwig?
Can you tell me where she's gone?
Shunpike shot an AK and it missed and hit my owl.
Fell from the sidecar, now she's gone.
Didn't you know they fought for the good side?
Didn't they fight for good and die for you and me?
So we'll be free
Someday soon, and it's gonna be one day.
Has anybody here seen my old friend Dobby?
Can you tell me where he's gone?
I think I saw him boarding a train at the station
With Alastor, Hedwig, and Tonks.
It's Curtains for Me
A filk by Salazar to the tune of It Sucks to be Me from Avenue Q.
The dead characters from Deathly Hallows are lamenting their fate in King's Cross. Currently, only FRED, LUPIN and TONKS are present.
TONKS (spoken):
Well, at least we had a good life.
FRED:
Actually, I thought it was disappointing.
TONKS:
Why?
FRED:
Well, my brother can't exactly make jokes without me now. I had most of the good ideas, you know.
TONKS:
I'm sorry.
FRED:
Me too! I mean, look at me! I'm two years out of Hogwarts and I always thought-well-
TONKS:
What?
FRED:
No, it sounds stupid.
TONKS:
Aw, c'mon!
FRED (sung):
When I was little
I thought I would forge
TONKS (spoken):
What?
FRED:
The greatest wizard pranks
With my brother George.
But I was crushed to death
By Voldemort's scourge.
I'm dead.
TONKS:
Yup.
FRED:
Oh well.
TONKS (Vocalizing):
Mmm-hmm.
FRED:
It's curtains for me.
LUPIN (gloomily):
Yup.
FRED:
It's curtains for me.
LUPIN:
Yup.
FRED:
It's curtains before I got the chance to even turn twenty!
It's curtains for me.
TONKS (spoken):
You think it sucks for you to be dead?
FRED (spoken):
I think so.
TONKS:
Your death isn't so sad.
(sung) I was an Auror
With really good looks.
LUPIN:
Oh yeah!
TONKS (blushing):
Thanks.
(sung) I caught the Death Eaters
And most wizard crooks.
And I got shipped with every guy
In the books!
Yet I will not know my child!
Fuck!
It's curtains for me.
LUPIN:
Me too.
TONKS:
It's curtains for me.
LUPIN:
It's curtains for me.
It's curtains for Lupin
TONKS:
And Tonks.
LUPIN:
At least we took out
Those Death Eater wonks.
BOTH:
It's curtains for me.
DOBBY suddenly apparates into the middle of it. He is accompanied by SNAPE.
FRED:
Hey, Dobby, Snape, could you settle something for me and Tonks, do you have a second?
DOBBY:
Yes, master Fred!
TONKS:
Whose death was more tragic, Fred's or mine?
DOBBY and SNAPE look at each other
BOTH:
Ours!
DOBBY:
I was a free elf!
SNAPE:
I spent my whole life being glum.
DOBBY:
I saved young master Harry!
SNAPE:
I was stalking Potter's mum.
BOTH:
Yet now a corpse is all we really get to become.
SNAPE:
We spend our whole afterlife's duration
Stuck inside a cosmic train station!
DOBBY:
I've lost my clothes now.
SNAPE:
My death seems really unfair.
DOBBY (spoken):
Oh yeah?
(sung) I got knifed in the gut 'cause Bellatrix was going spare!
SNAPE:
The girl I loved thought that I just didn't care.
It sucks!
Why did I
BOTH:
Have to bloody well die?
It's curtains for me!
TONKS:
It's curtains for me!
FRED:
It's curtains for me!
ALL:
Why did JKR make her book high mortality?
It's curtains for me!
TONKS:
Da da da da dad a
FRED:
Da da da da da
LUPIN/SNAPE:
Da da da da da
DOBBY:
Da da da da
TONKS:
Da da da da dad a
FRED:
Da da da da da
LUPIN/SNAPE:
Da da da da da
DOBBY:
Da da da da
BELLATRIX suddenly appears, looking scandalized
BELLATRIX (spoken):
Why am I stuck with you filth?!
FRED (spoken):
Because you're dead.
BELLATRIX (spoken):
I'm dead?! Did I hear that correctly? FUCK!
(sung) I came into this series
With evil, dark designs
I wound up played by Bonham Carter,
But she had just two lines!
And I was shipped with someone
Played by Ralph Fiennes.
And Voldemort
Was not quite a total stud.
Plus, I have no fanboys.
And I never got to give Neville sass.
And Mrs. Weasley kicked my ass!
It's curtains for me.
It's curtains for me.
It sucks it's curtains curtains curtains curtains curtains curtains curtains, fuck!
It's curtains for me!
LUPIN (spoken):
Well, Bellatrix, too bad, but now that you're dead, this is where you live.
BELLATRIX (spoken):
Why didn't I get stuck in a Pureblood train station?
LUPIN:
I don't think there is such a thing.
TONKS (spoken):
By the way, is anyone wondering who's winning down at Hog-
With a flamboyant burst of the music, VOLDEMORT suddenly appears in the midst of the group.
BELLATRIX:
Master?! You're dead too?!
VOLDEMORT (miserably):
Yes, I am.
(sung) I lost to Potter
'Cause of the Elder wand.
I lost the deathstick's power
To a sniveling little blonde!
Potter killed
The greatest badass JKR spawned.
Now I'm here,
And all of my evil is finally through!
OTHERS:
It's curtains for you!
LUPIN (spoken):
We won!
OTHERS:
It's curtains for you!
FRED (spoken):
I feel better now.
VOLDEMORT:
Try having dumb kids stopping you
To tell you
(spoken) "Show a little remorse, if you can, Riddle!"
It feels cliché.
OTHERS:
It's curtains for you
The Dark side is through!
VOLDEMORT:
Curtains for me.
BELLATRIX:
Curtains for you.
OTHERS:
The Dark side is through!
ALL:
Curtains for us.
And now we're all together!
We're together and the series is through!
The Potter series is through!
There's naught to do.
Though the fans feel blue,
The Potter series is through.
LUPIN (spoken):
Back to real life.
ALL:
The Potter series is through.
VOLDEMORT (spoken):
We know you loved it.
ALL:
The Potter series is through.
TONKS:
Bye bye, fans!
ALL:
Now Harry Potter is through!