Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

See also the full-length GoF musicals A!Kedavra by Caius Marcius, Tournament of Horrors by Gail Bohacek, Tri-Wiz Tourney by Cormac Slughorn, and Spells by the Final Stillness of Saturn

Copyright 2000-2003, 2005-2007 by Caius Marcius, except Aberforth!, Dark Mark Calling, Death Eaters in Disguise, In Albania Scheming, Like a Veela, Suck Up to Voldy, Under The Lake and Yule Be Paired! Copyright 2001-2003 by Pippin; Jump This Way Copyright 2001 by Amber; My Name Is... and Vol-de-mort Copyright 2001 by Nethilia De Lobo; First Task Copyright 2001 by Alex; Dark Lord's Rising, Eve of His Rising, Flesh, Blood & Bone, One More Handshake, The Quidditch Cup and Viktor's Date Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Springtime for Voldy Copyright 2002 by Kit; The Goblet Game Copyright 2002 by Toby Howe; You Ain't Never Met a Fiend Like Me Copyright 2002 by Gryffleraverin; Second Task Copyright 2002 by Anni; Agony!, Breathing Like the Fishies, Hold On, Magic Messaging Spell Victor Krum, We Got The Bets Right Here! and Yule Ball Copyright 2002-2003 by Lilac; The Veela Song Copyright 2002 by Tann; The Beginning Copyright 2002 by Ravenclaw Chaser; The Age Restriction Line,Badge, The Ballad Of Harry Potter, Bryce, The Bug On The Sill, Flee Karkaroff, Four Weeks, Glimmer In His Eye, The Goblet Of Fire, Hagrid's Blues, He's Coming Back, Karkaroff's Trial, Parting Of Ways, Please Let Me Find Something, Synchronicity HP, They're Being Cruel, Unforgivable, Weasley's Wheezes, When I Fell and With A Little Help From My Friends Copyright 2002-2004 by Gail Bohacek; 21 Things I Want in a DE and The Cup of Fire Copyright 2002, 2003 by Nicole Lyon; Crucio! Copyright 2002 by Minerva McTabby; I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write That Guy a Letter and She'll Be Flying O'er the Mountain Copyright 2002 by Amy Z; Accio is Hard to Do, Cool Brother Bill, Furry White Ball , They Ain't Seen Nifflers Yet, Viktor Krum and Voldy's Back in Town Copyright 2003-2005 by Ginger; Don't Go To the Ball With Viktor Krum, Getting Harry Tonight, Take a Bath, Turn Back, Champion and Where Is Master Barty Crouch?Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; I'm On Fire! and Leaving In A Green Flame Copyright 2003, 2004 by Diana & Jim L.; The Second Task Copyright 2003 by Jonathan Pessin; A Voldemort Carol Copyright 2003 by Eric Oppen; Voldemort Copyright 2003 by selkie; Going with Krum Copyright 2003 by Jackie DeMedio; The Yule Ball Copyright 2003 by Saz; When Voldemort Ruled Copyright 2003 by Stella; Harry, My Dear Copyright 2003 by Maria; I'll Be Back Copyright 2004 by Pixieberry; One More Curse Copyright 2004 by Arcum; This Egg Now Is My Only Hope Copyright 2004 by PHP Head Girl Giselle; Magic's All Around Copyright 2004 by Jason LeBouef; Take Your Clothes Off, Harry Copyright 2004 by Richard; Weatherby Copyright 2004 by Riibu; Cursum Non Indulgeo, Dance Viff Me, How Come?, Ruined Holiday, Wizengamot Rhapsody and Working For the Good Side Now Copyright 2004, 2005 by Murasaki; The Dark Lord Always Knows, He's Got No Rhythm (And I've Got The Blues), Hermione, I Let Madam Pomfrey Fix My Two Front Teeth and Tall Old Wizard in a Night Dress Copyright 2004-2006 by Jill; The Midnight Dilemma Copyright 2004 by Lillian Evans; Ferret, Frill Frill Dress, School of Durmstrang, Second Task and The Yule Ball Copyright 2005, 2007 by R.J. Lupin; You-Know-Who Copyright 2005 by stickbook; The Death Eater Show Copyright 2005 by Bandersnatch; Bug In A Bottle Copyright 2005 by Nimbus 1944; The Dark Lord's Song and I Am the Quidfan Copyright 2005, 2006 by Randy Estes; They Both Reached for the Wand & Wake Me Up When Voldemort's Dead Copyright 2006-2007 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; Bartemian Rhapsody Copyright 2006 by Eustace Scrubb; The Holly and the Yew Tree Copyright 2006 by Carol; Voldie's Growing Stronger Every Day Copyright 2006 by Potioncat

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of We Didn't Start The Fire by Billy Joel

THE SCENE: Gail B. (me...heh) is sitting at her desk with a copy of GOF, going through it for the umpteenth time. As she reads, the images from the book that are described in the filk are flashing on a screen behind her...

Riddle House, Frank Bryce screams, scar's in pain, was it a dream?
Dudley's diet, Invitation, Harry wants to go
Through the floo, the Weasleys, Arthur's eckeltricity
Fred and George, Ton Tongue Toffee, Back To The Burrow

Wizard Wheezes, Portkey, Mister Crouch, Weatherby
Quidditch Cup, Viktor Krum, Ireland's won the game
Death Eaters, Bagman, Dark Mark's in the sky again
Wand gone, who did it? Winky gets the blame

The Goblet Of Fire
I am so enraptured
Reading every chapter
The Goblet Of Fire
Gonna read it then
I'll read it once again

Hogwarts, announcement, the Tri-Wizard Tournament
Mad-Eye Moody, ferret bouncing, Unforgivables
Day before Halloween, Beauxbaton, Madame Maxime
Durmstrang, Karkaroff, foreign edibles

Goblet, Age Line, Weasley twins can't get by
Delacour, Krum, Diggory, Champions chosen
Harry's name, he has to play, Ron is mad, wands are weighed
Rita Skeeter, interview, "Potter Stinks" buttons

The Goblet Of Fire
I am so enraptured
Reading every chapter
The Goblet Of Fire
Gonna read it then
I'll read it once again

Hagrid, Horntail, Sirius says, "Simple spell"
First Task, Accio, Egg, Canary Creams
House-Elf Liberation, SPEW, find a partner for the Yule
At the Ball, Hermione, Ron, Krum, Cho, Igor, Percy

Rita's Scoop, giants and Skrewts, clues in the Prefect's bathroom
Mister Crouch in Snape's office, The Egg And The Eye
Second Task, Gillyweed, Merpeople, Witch Weekly
Harry's Heartache, Hogsmeade, Padfoot's now nearby

The Goblet Of Fire
I am so enraptured
Reading every chapter
The Goblet Of Fire
Gonna read it then
I'll read it once again

Mister Crouch's madness, dream in Divinations class
Headmaster's office, Minister's suspicious

D.E. trials, Longbottom, Pensive Four, "I have no son!"
Dumbledore's theories, Snape's no longer a D.E.

Third Task, obstacles, spider, Skrewt, sphinx's riddle
In the center of the maze, (shouted) Portkey Cup takes them away!

The Goblet Of Fire
I am so enraptured
Reading every chapter
The Goblet Of Fire
Gonna read it then
I'll read it once again

"Kill the spare", bone, flesh, blood, the return of the Dark Lord
D.E.s called, wizard duel, Harry 'gainst You-Know-Who
Priori Incantatem, foe glass and Veritaserum
Evening's events are described, the gleam in Dumbledore's eye

Dementor's Kiss, Dark Mark on Snape, Fudge, The Parting Of The Ways
Handshake, Leaving Feast, "Remember Cedric Diggory"
Rita Skeeter's secret shown, train stomp, back to Dursley's home

(shouted) Want to know what happens next!
Have to wait until Phoenix!!!!!!!!!!

At this point, Gail, in frustration, topples over the desk that she is sitting at

The Goblet Of Fire
I am so enraptured
Reading every chapter
The Goblet Of Fire
Gonna read it then
I'll read it once again (repeat until fade)

To the tune of The House Upon the Hill from the 1991 musical The Secret Garden (Track 7)

THE SCENE: The Hanged Man, a pub in the village of Little Hangleton, circa 1946. Enter CHORUS OF TOWNSPEOPLE.

CHORUS
High on a hill sits the Riddle House
Their maid just came in to see `em
The news has reached town
That the three will need a Requiem.

Frank Bryce, who's their gardener,
Was thought to have killed the Riddles
But the docs said `cept for being dead
They're all as fit as fiddles

BRYCE: (spoken, to the police) I'm telling you, I'm innocent. You need to be seeking out that lad I saw near the house, a teenage boy, a stranger, dark-haired lad, and pale, deathly pale.

CHORUS
So Frank Bryce was released then
But the mystery remains
The riddle: "Who rid us of the Riddles?"
Is one none can explain

DOT (One of the Hanged Man's patrons, spoken) 'S far as I'm concerned, he killed them, and I don't care what the police say. And if he had any decency, he'd leave here, knowing as how we knows he did it.

Segue 48 years ahead to the summer of 1994

CHORUS
High on a hill sits the Riddle House
Long since its Helter-Skelter
The house is empty and run-down
And serves as a tax shelter.

There near the house is a cranky man
Whom all are still disliking
Frank Bryce tends the gardens yet
And yells at boys as they're biking.

BRYCE: (spoken) Dern fool kids.

CHORUS
But late one night there's noises
And a voice with a high cold chill
Is Frank so brave he'd go alone
To the House of Tom Riddle?

Yep, he is. Exit BRYCE, toward the Riddle House

NOTE: Alternate reading: "Is Frank so dumb...."

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Boys by the Beatles

THE RIDDLE'S COOK (Patrons at the Hanged Man pub):
The police think that they've found the one
Who slew the Riddles and their son
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop) Yeah, they say they do (bop shuop)

The police say the murderer
It was the Riddle's gardener
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop) Yeah, I think it's true. (Bop shuop)

I am talking about Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Never liked to mix, Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Well, let's talk about Bryce, now (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Aaahhh, Bryce, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
An unfriendly one, Bryce, now, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Cold, to be precise! (Told ya, Dot!)

guitar solo

There's no doubt in my mind that he did
Knew where the back door key was hid (ahhh)
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop, m'bop bop shuop)
Hey, hey (bop shuop) Yeah, I say he knew (Bop shuop)

Well, let's talk about Bryce, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Had a hard war, Frank Bryce, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Well, he'll pay the price, now, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Aaahhhhh! Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Has a temper that Bryce, now, (yeah yeah, boys)
And a heart cold as ice! (yeah, yeah)

Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Don't mess 'round with Bryce, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Oooh! Bryce (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Ahhhhhh! (yeah yeah, Bryce)
Well, let's talk about Bryce, now, (yeah yeah, Bryce)
He is not very nice! (yeah, yeah)

fade

To the tune of A Little Bit of Luck from My Fair Lady

The Scene: The deserted Riddle House at Little Hangleton. Enter VOLDEMORT - in a shrunken and hideous form - accompanied by WORMTAIL and NAGINI

VOLDEMORT: We require a new base of operation
NAGINI: A place where we can strengthen and regroup
WORMTAIL: And we've now found the ideal location
VOLDEMORT: It's the Riddle Manor House
My departed Daddy's house
We'll knock Harry Potter for a loop!

ALL: At the Riddle Hut, at the Riddle Hut
We'll take Potter down in one fell swoop!

WORMTAIL: When I met Bertha Jorkins in Albania
I knew at once just what I had to do
NAGINI: I'm afraid you left her feelin' a tad insane-ya
ALL: 'Cause at the Riddle Manor House
At the Riddle Manor House
We're all gearing up to launch Phase Two!

WORMTAIL & NAGINI:: At the Riddle Hut, at the Riddle Hut
We're co-conspirators with You-Know-Who!

ALL: We can slither so straight and narrow
'Cause at the Riddle Domicile
We will get vile!

NAGINI: This summer they're holding the Quidditch World Cup
WORMTAIL: Every Witch and Wizard will be there
VOLDEMORT: But if we make sure a few Death Eaters show up
ALL: Then from the Riddle Manor House
From the Riddle Manor House
We'll vicariously enjoy their scare!
From the Riddle Hut, from the Riddle Hut
We'll lean back and watch the skulls in air!

NAGINI: The Triwizards will be held at Hogwarts
WORMTAIL: Three champions will strive to win each game
VOLDEMORT : But when Barty C. gives his inside reports
ALL: Then from the Riddle Manor House
From the Riddle Manor House
We'll make sure to add an extra name!
From the Riddle Hut, from the Riddle Hut
We will tamper with that cup of flame!

WORMTAIL & NAGINI: To win the Triwizard's a triumph!
VOLDEMORT & WORMTAIL: But what if the trophy's
A portkey?

VOLDEMORT: I've been feeling a bit under the weather
For maybe the last 13 years or so
But I'm about to get my act together
NAGINI & WORMTAIL: At the Riddle Manor House
At the Riddle Manor House
We'll soon have Voldy lookin' all aglow!

Add a little bit, add a little bit
Add some bone and blood and watch him grow!

Enter Frank Bryce, a Muggle. All eyes turn toward him

NAGINI: I think we have an unexpected visit
From a Muggle, a most unwelcome guest
VOLDEMORT: I'm really not sure that we can permit it
ALL: So, at the Riddle Manor House
At the Riddle Manor House
We must send him to eternal rest

With a little hex, with a little hex
We'll make sure that he'll not prove a pest

Voldemort performs the Kedrava curse, causing Bryce's instant death

To the tune of Have I Got a Girl for You from Sondheim's Company (advance to 4:55)

THE SCENE: The Riddle House, as WORMTAIL babysits the grotesque homunculus VOLDEMORT

VOLDEMORT: Wormtail, I need somebody with brains, somebody whose loyalty has never wavered, and you, unfortunately, fulfill neither requirement……
WORMTAIL: I found you. I was the one who found you. I brought you Bertha Jorkins…..

WORMTAIL: (music, quoting what he said when he first produced Bertha)
"Did I get a girl for you! Wait till you grill her!
Did I get a girl for you, Lord!
I've scored!
Dumb! With the Department of Sports and of Games
She works with Barty and she will name names
She's in Albania on a sojourn
Open her mind up, there's so much to learn!"

VOLDEMORT:
Did you get a girl for me! Too bad I killed her!
Did you get a girl for me, Worm!
Confirmed!
Smart! A stroke of genius unlikely at best
Your magic skills have so seldom impressed
I'll give you credit whenever it's due:
Positive feedback from ol' You-Know-Who!

Have I got a task for you! Wait for it, Peter!
Have I got a task for you, son!
What fun!
Pete! For this most wizards would their right hand give!
The honor of making the Dark Lord re-live!
And there's no spoiling my big surprise
Harry will soon meet my noose, then he'll meet his demise

WORMTAIL (spoken): It could be done without Harry Potter, My Lord…..

(music)
Whaddya want? Some blood with the bone and the flesh?
A body to resume your Dark wars?
Whaddya want? To get resurrected afresh?
Then whaddya wanna get Harry for?
Whaddya want? A volunteer willing to go?
Supplying you with victims galore?
Whaddya want? There's surely no shortage of foes!
Then whaddya wanna get Harry for?
Whaddya wanna get Harry for?
Whaddya wanna get Harry for?
Whaddya wanna get Harry for?

WORMTAIL'S voice gradually fades under VOLDEMORT'S withering glare

A filk by Arcum to the tune of One More Night, by Phil Collins

THE SCENE: VOLDEMORT and Wormtail are in the Riddle House, discussing their plans.

VOLDEMORT (spoken): One more curse... my faithful servant at Hogwarts... Harry Potter is as good as mine, Wormtail. It is decided. There will be no more argument... One more curse...

(music) One more curse, one more curse
I've been trying oh so long,
To let you know, let you know how I feel
And if Potter is to fall,
Just help me back, to gain immortality

Peter, give me one more curse, give me one more curse
One more curse, 'cos my plans can't wait forever
Give me just one more curse, ooh just one more curse
Oh one more curse, 'cos my plans won't wait forever

I've been sitting here so long,
Wasting time, in a body not yet grown
And I was wondering, is there a better way,
Then I thought, maybe I could make a clone

Peter, give me one more curse, give me just one more curse
Oh one more curse, 'cos my plans can't wait forever
Peter, give me one more curse, ooh just one more curse
Oh one more curse, 'cos my plans won't wait forever
Give me one more curse, give me just one more curse
Ooh one more curse, 'cos I can't wait forever

'Till you give Potter to me, I will always be with you
And if you run away, I will follow you

Give me one more curse, give me just one more curse
Oh one more curse, 'cos my plans can't wait forever

I know forever this time who'll take the blame
If I see the failure of this plan
But unless you change your mind, I promise I'll be here
Provided you'll lend a hand

Give me just one more curse, give me just one more curse
Ooh one more curse, 'cos my plans won't wait forever
Give me just one more curse, give me just one more curse
Ooh one more curse, 'cos my plans can't wait forever"

Frank Bryce plays a sensitive sax solo...

"But quiet...I think I hear Nagini... Nagini has interesting news, Wormtail."

"In-indeed, My Lord?"

"Indeed, yes, according to Nagini, there is an old Muggle standing right outside this room, playing the saxophone..."

To the tune of Stuck in the Middle With You by the Stealers Wheel

THE SCENE: The Riddle House. FRANK BRYCE, as he is hit by the AK rays of Lord Voldemort, has just enough time to sing his swan song.

FRANK BRYCE:
Well I don't know who has come here tonight
I got the feeling that he isn't too nice
He's a Lord who's sitting upon a chair
And he promises to prove a nightmare
What will be left of me, Voldy tells me, "Nighty-night."
Struck in the Riddle chateau

Yes I'm struck in the Riddle chateau
And I'm wondering where it is I should go
He refused to reveal to me his face
For he's lacking so in all social grace
What will be left of me, Voldy tells me, "Nighty-night."
Struck in the Riddle chateau

Well he's speakin' of a murder
Quite amused about his fiendish plans
As his serpent comes a-crawling
Them two start to talk and say
Hiss, hiss.

He talks in code like a criminal
For that "Quidditch" word makes no sense at all
He's so cruel he's plotting further attacks
I can hear it all despite my earwax
What will be left of me, Voldy tells me, "Nighty-night."
Struck in the Riddle chateau

Well he's speakin' of a murder
Quite amused about his fiendish plans
As his serpent comes a-crawling
Them two start to talk and say
Hiss, hiss.

Yeah I don't think I should be here tonight
I've been hit by rays of emerald light
I weren't scared til Wormtail turned 'round his chair
And he hit me with Kedavran glare
What will be left of me, Voldy tells me, "Nighty-night."
Struck in the Riddle chateau

Yes I'm struck in the Riddle chateau
Struck in the Riddle chateau
Here I am struck in the Riddle chateau

Both BRYCE and the music fade out

To the tune of Hello Muddah Hello Fadduh

THE SCENE: HARRY's bedroom on Privet Drive. After waking from a nightmare, he writes a letter to his godfather Sirius Black

HARRY (writing)
"Hello Sirius, my godfather
I don't want to be a bother
But I thought you'd like an owl-post
While as a fugitive you hide along some foul coast

"Just to tell ya somewhat tersely
How things are here with the Dursleys
Cousin Dudley's now on rations
He was so mad he demolished his Play Station

"Aunt and Uncle are both off my back
For they think that you will attack
If they make me too afflicted
`Cause of first-degree murder you were convicted

"Now I don't want that this should scare ya
I trust you're not prone to great hysteria
But my curse scar started flamin'
Which ain't happened since I last saw Him-Not-Namin'"

HARRY puts down his quill to reflect on his relationship with Sirius

Were I home with my godfather
I would not live with any other
But he's deep out in the forest
Where he's having to work like a dog

With a home, he wanted to provide for me
But when Peter as a rat did flee
He was forced to run away
He's now living as a stray

HARRY takes up his quill again

"So then, Sirius, my godparent,
I'm sure my that fears are all aberrant
Please let nothing your mind enter
That would draw toward you the interest of Dementors!

"In conclusion, I tell you, Sirius
That scar is nothing, it's unmysterious!"

He sets down the quill once more and summons Hedwig

But that nightmare I won't mention -
Now then, Hedwig, please bring this to his attention!

Exit Hedwig

A filk by Diana & Jim L. to the tune of John Denver's Leaving on a Jet Plane

Harry is waiting for the Weasleys to pick him up in Goblet of Fire so they can go to the Quidditch World Cup.

HARRY:
My trunk is packed
I'm ready to go
I'm waitin' here beside the door
I can hardly wait to say goodbye
But your time has passed
It's five fifiteen
Vernon's aghast
He's blowin' steam
Already I'm so anxious
I could die

CHORUS
So help me and come for me
Hurry up and come get me
Let's go to the Quidditch World Cup
'Cause I'm leavin' in a green flame
Don't want to come back here again
Oh, Ron, I WANT to GO

There's so many times I've been so down
So many times I've worn a frown
I tell you now, that they won't mean a thing
Ev'ry place I go, you'll go there too
Ev'ry play I see, you'll see it too
When we come back, we won't have missed a thing

CHORUS
So help me and come for me
Hurry up and come get me
Let's go to the Quidditch World Cup
'Cause I'm leavin' in a green flame
Don't want to come back here again
Oh, Ron, I WANT to GO

Now the time has come to leave here
It's five thirty
Yet you're not here
Cross my fingers
Hope you're on your way
Think about the game to come
When I won't have to be alone
Think about the fun we'll have all day

CHORUS
Oh, help me and come for me
Hurry up and come get me
Let's go to the Quidditch World Cup
'Cause I'm leavin' in a green flame
Don't want to come back here again
Oh, Ron, I WANT to GO

I'll be leavin' in a green flame
Don't want to come back here again
Oh Ron, I WANT TO GO

A filk by Ginger to Fool on the Hill by the Beatles

World Quidditch Cup. The ultimate thrill.
And Harry is meeting Ron's big brothers Charlie and Bill.
When Harry tried to define him,
There's just no other word but "cool",
And Molly tries to refine him,
But the Cool Brother Bill
Wears his hair hanging down,
And a turn of his head
Sends his fang spinning 'round.

Tri-Wizard Champ. The Weasleys delight.
The girl who's a quarter Veela has got Bill in her sight.
But he doesn't seem effected
By the charm that she sends his way.
No, he doesn't seem to notice
But the Cool Brother Bill
Wears his hair hanging down,
And a turn of his head
Sends his fang spinning 'round.

Back at the bank in England
He's a new Order member too.
Now can he recruit the Goblins?
And the Cool Brother Bill
Wears his hair hanging down,
And a turn of his head
Sends his fang spinning 'round.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Please Please Me by the Beatles

FRED and GEORGE come down the stairs one morning and enter the kitchen, expecting breakfast. Instead, they are greeted by their mother, MOLLY WEASLEY, who has a rather large stack of papers in her hands and an angry look on her face.

MRS. WEASLEY:
Last night I found these forms in your room.

FRED and GEORGE (To one another):
If that's what we think it is then we're doomed

FRED and GEORGE lunge forward to grab the papers but Mrs. Weasley keeps them away at arm's length

FRED (and GEORGE):
C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon)!

MRS. WEASLEY (Reading the title on the paper):
Weasley's Wheezes...Wizard Joke Shop.

You've got the brains but you're not using them
You'll get in trouble misusing items

FRED (and GEORGE - Pleading with their mother to give the papers back):
C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon)!

MRS. WEASLEY (Reading the title on the paper):
Weasley's Wheezes...Wizard Joke Shop.

We heard all of those explosions
Never thought all that commotion was this stuff

FRED and GEORGE (To one another):
She's pissed off

MRS. WEASLEY:
Worry all the daylong through
Don't know where we went wrong with you

FRED and GEORGE:
But Mom, it's what we want to do

MRS. WEASLEY
It's been the same for years with you two
You'd better pull yourselves together soon

FRED and (GEORGE)
C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon) C'mon (C'mon)

MRS. WEASLEY (Reading the title on the paper):
Weasley's Wheezes...Wizard Joke Shop.
Weasley's Wheezes...Wizard Joke Shop.
Weasley's Wheezes...Wizard Joke Shop.

MRS. WEASLEY throws the stack of papers into the fireplace where they are quickly burned, much to the twins' disappointment.

We Got The Bets Right Here! (GoF, Chap. 7)

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Fugue For Tinhorns from Guys And Dolls (but in my version they don't sing the verses in a round)

The Scene: The campsite for the attendees of the Quidditch World Cup. Harry and the Weasleys meet Ludo Bagman for the first time.

BAGMAN (spoken: eagerly, to Arthur): Fancy a flutter on the match, Arthur?"

Bagman jingles what seems to be a large amount of gold in the pockets of his yellow-and-black robes.

LUDO (music):
Roddy Pontner here bet that Bulgarier will be the first to score and give a cheer--
Nice odds, nice odds, and Ireland's front three are strong
So I offered him nice odds, nice odds, nice odds.

Ms. Timms bet half her eels because she really feels that the match will last for 20 meals-
Week-long, week-long, she thinks it'll go week-long,
(I'll be eating eel 'fore long!)
Week-long, week-long.

FRED AND GEORGE:
All our money's up for Ireland to win the Cup, but that the
Snitch is caught by Seeker Krum--
Fake wand, fake wand, we'll even throw in a fake wand,
As long as we don't get conned,
Fake wand, fake wand.

LUDO: Front three strong...
FRED: Eel 'fore long...
GEORGE: Don't get conned...

ALL THREE: We got the bets right here!

A filk by Jill to the tune of Long Cool Woman (in a Black Dress) by the Hollies

THE SCENE: Back at the QWC campsite, Hermione fills Ginny in on what happened when she, Ron, and Harry went for water.

HERMIONE
Monday I went for some water
Walking with my best friend guys
Checking out a sea of odd tents
With no consistent shape or size

We saw Dean and Seamus and we said "Hi,"
And then we just kept moving along
Just about to get in the water line
When I heard a ruckus 'midst the throng

A pair of wizard guys made me open my eyes
My temperature started to rise
One was a tall old wizard in a night dress
Who just wouldn't wear trousers at all
With just one look I was a bad mess
'Cos that tall old wizard had some gall

I saw this old guy wearing a nightgown
With a colorful flowered design
The Ministry guy held up some trousers
With pinstripes muggles must think are fine
Well Archie said he wouldn't wear them
His dress came from a nice Muggle shop
The Muggles sure were getting suspicious
But old Archie didn't care a drop

Well, the Ministry guy was at a loss now
Showing signs of exasperation

Archie told him, "Don't despair
'Cos I need lots of air
Well I must be free and easy
And I like my privates breezy
I'm a tall old wizard in a night dress
Who will not wear trousers at all."

Well, with just one look I was a bad mess
'Cos that tall old wizard had some gall

Had some gall

Jill, who realizes that she could have used another word that rhymes with "all," but didn't want to go there...

A filk by Mariner to the tune of The Monster Mash

Scene: the Weasley family, along with Harry and Hermione, set out to attend the Quidditch Cup.

ARTHUR:
I have some extra tickets which I'm willing to share
For a sporting event quite beyond compare.
So gather 'round this Portkey and hold on tight,
It's gonna be a heck of a night!

BILL, CHARLIE and PERCY:
We'll see the Cup!

HARRY, RON and HERMIONE:
We'll see the Quidditch Cup!

BILL,CHARLIE and PERCY:
The Quidditch Cup!

HARRY,RON and HERMIONE:
Our Seats are so high up!

BILL, CHARLIE and PERCY:
We thank our Pop
For fun that doesn't stop,
Here at the Cup!
Here at the Quidditch Cup.

LUDO BAGMAN:
I'm Ludo Bagman, bow before my fame!
I'm going to comment on tonight's big game.
I've got some gold, I want to let it ride,
Who wants to make a wager on the side?

Who'll take my bet?

FRED and GEORGE:
We'll take your Quidditch bet!

BAGMAN:
My Quidditch bet!

FRED and GEORGE:
Some dough we hope to get.

ARTHUR:
Your Mum will fret,
You know she'll be upset,
Yet I will let
You take this crazy bet.

HARRY, RON and HERMIONE:
We've never seen such an exciting match!
They move so fast that we're afraid to watch.
That Viktor Krum, he really is no slouch!
Watch both Seekers dive and-- Ouch!

BAGMAN:
Krum did the Feint!

RON:
Krum did the Wronsky Feint!

BAGMAN:
The Wronsky Feint!

RON:
A piece of cake it ain't!

BAGMAN:
The ladies faint
When he performs that Feint.

RON:
I've no complaint
'Bout seeing the Wronsky Feint.

HARRY:
Those Irish Chasers are the best I've seen,
They move together like a fine machine.
The Bulgarian team was going down in shame
Till Krum put a stop to the game.

FRED and GEORGE:
He caught the Snitch!

HARRY:
Krum caught the Golden Snitch!

FRED and GEORGE:
The Golden Snitch!

HARRY:
An inch above the pitch!
Without a hitch,
Without the slightest glitch!

FRED and GEORGE:
We'll now be rich,
'Cos Viktor caught the Snitch!

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Here Comes The Sun by the Beatles

The Scene: Before the QWC, the Trio are looking at all the posters of Bulgaria's Seeker

RON:
That's Victor Krum

HERMIONE:
What was that Ron?

RON:
That's Victor Krum and I say he's all right!

Quidditch Player; he is the Bulgarian Seeker
Quidditch Player; and he is young, he's just eighteen
He's Victor Krum, what a Seeker!
That bloke ain't dumb, wait till you see him play!

HERMIONE:
He looks grumpy

RON:
Who cares what expression he's making?

HERMIONE:
He walks ducky

RON:
Who cares? He's like a bird in flight

He's Victor Krum...what a genius!
He's Victor Krum, and I say he's all right

Krum, Krum, Krum, Victor Krum
Krum, Krum, Krum, Victor Krum
Krum, Krum, Krum, Victor Krum
Krum, Krum, Krum, Victor Krum
Krum, Krum, Krum, Victor Krum

During the game... RON:
Krum was feinting!

HERMIONE:
That "Wonky Faint" is really dangerous!
Nose is painting his scarlet robes a darker hue
That Victor Krum ...he was brave, though...
Brave Viktor Krum! But he looks quite the mess

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of I Am the Walrus by the Beatles

The Scene: Harry and Ron and the gang are at the Quidditch World Cup Match having a blast!

HARRY:
Eye of Newt and old left boot and we touched all together
See how they run to Portkeys for fun
See how they fly
I'm trying.

Sitting in the top box, waiting for the fans to come
Irish Quidditch Tee Shirts , Stupid Dancing Veelas
Ron, you've been a naughty boy, you kept your gaze too long

I am the Quidfan, They are the Quidfans!
Krum is a genius! Ron's come unglued!

Mister Ludo Bagman sitting
Here near little Winky up a row.
See how they fly Omnioculars in my eyes, that's Victor Krum.
I'm trying, I'm trying
I'm trying, Krum's flying!

Quigley hit a Bludger right into Victor Krum's eyes
Lynch just saw the Snitch dive, that's no Wronski Feint now!
Krum is on his tail; you know I think they're gonna crash!

I am the Quidfan, They are the Quidfans
Krum is a genius! The crowd's come unglued!

Sitting next to Ronald Weasley watching Victor Krum
If Krum's team can't win, at least the man
Is standing with the Golden Snitch!

I am the Quidfan, They are the Quidfans
Krum is a genius! We all camed unglued! Krum's a Cool
Dude!

Ireland wins the Quidditch World Cup!
Don't you think that Krum's a hero too?
See how they smile, those leprechauns gone wild!
See Krum's black eyes!
I'm trying.

Aidan Lynch, the Seeker, supported by his two teammates.
Irish fans are smiling. Singing Quidditch Fight Songs
Man, you should have seen those Veelas when their faces changed!

I am the Quidfan! They are the Quidfans!
Krum is a genius! Let's go get stewed! Zooma Zooma
Zooba Zooba!

A filk by Pippin, to the tune of Ghost Riders in the Skies

The Death Eaters were marching on a warm and cloudy night
We never were arrested we escaped the prisoner's plight
So Muggleborn be wary cause the enemy is nigh
Or we might turn you upside down and float you in the sky

Yip-i-ya-a, Yip-i-ya-o, Death Eaters in disguise

And as my schoolmates rushed on by I called on them by name
If you want to save your friends from us, you'd best get out of range
So keep that bushy head down as from us you must fly
Or you'll be with the Roberts's a-floating in the sky.

Yip-i-ya-a, Yip-i-ya-o, Death Eaters in disguise

The Ministry is busy, Malfoys have them in a sweat
They're working hard to catch our lot, but they ain't caught us yet
When all at once the Dark Mark like a green and starry skull
Appeared amidst the ragged skies and terrified us all

Yip-i-ya-a, Yip-i-ya-o, Death Eaters in disguise

The tents were still on fire as I back to camp did steal
Could You-Know-Who have made a comeback, could it all be real?
A bolt of fear went through us and it stilled our drunken cries
We're You Know Who supporters, but we hid behind our lies

Yip-i-ya-a, Yip-i-ya-o, Death Eaters in disguise

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Holiday by Green Day

Harry, Ron, and Hermione run off into the woods at the urging of Arthur Weasley as the events after the Quidditch World Cup run foul.

HARRY:
Say, hey!
Why don't we hide in the underbrush?
Ron, your dad seemed like he was in a rush.
So hush-- I think this could get dangerous.

Crouched together, they try to make out what is going on at the campsite.

HARRY:
Hear the sounds of the hooligans?
I don't think it's just a fight about who won -
It's done - this isn't about the Quidditch game .

. . Suddenly, above them, the Dark Mark glows in all its glory.

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON:
We saw the Dark Mark blasted sky-high in green light;
This is the dawning of a new epic fight.
-- on holiday?

HARRY:
How come Draco was so cool tonight?
I'll bet his father's down there in the fight.
You're right - let's try to get him in our sight.

Harry realizes he has lost his wand.

HARRY:
Can I get another lumos?

HERMIONE/RON (lighting their wands):
Lumos!

HARRY:
I've lost my wand and without I'm useless
Unless someone notices our distress.

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON:
We saw the Dark Mark blasted sky-high in green light;
This is the dawning of a new epic fight.
-- on holiday?

RON (mocking Malfoy):
"If you think they can't spot a Mudblood, stay where you are . . . "

HARRY:
Who are these folks with their dark hoods up
Why do they think--

HERMIONE/RON:
. . . they can break the law?

HARRY:
Ruining the Quidditch World Cup, to show off--

HERMIONE/RON:
Some racist cause!

HARRY (observing the horror at the campsite):
Upside-down goes the campsite manager,
And his family--

RON:
That's just sick!

HARRY:
Tents are on fire-- who set the fire?
I bet they won't be--

HERMIONE/RON:
Charged a bit!

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON (horrified):
Just 'cause . . . just 'cause . . . because they're Muggles? Yeah?

HARRY/HERMIONE/RON:
We saw the Dark Mark blasted sky-high in green light;
This is the dawning of a new epic fight.
We saw the Dark Mark blasted sky-high in green light;
This is the dawning of a new epic fight.
This ended up a ruined holiday!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of If I Fell by the Beatles

DENNIS CREEVEY:
When I fell into the lake
My survival was at stake
And, "Help him!" someone cried
If it wasn't for the Squid
And for what that creature did
I just would have died

When I fell out of the boat
It was storming
And the clouds above
That moat were direfully swarming

In that cold storm-tossed deluge
I sank right down
And having had lost refuge
I almost drowned that night
In those harsh turbulent waves
And I couldn't imagine how I
Would be saved

But then something large appeared
Pushed me to safety
And Hagrid then steered
The boat over to me
Pulled me back into the boat
And he wrapped me up in his immense mole-skin coat

So I told my one brother
And he said to me
It was none other
Than the Squid, no mistake
It pushed me out of the lake.

To the tune of Hooray for Captain Spaulding, from the 1931 film Animal Crackers

THE SCENE: The start-of-term feast at the Great Hall. In the midst of a tumultuous thunderstorm, ALASTOR "MAD-EYE" MOODY makes a dramatic entrance.

DUMBLEDORE: (spoken) May I introduce our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher - Professor Moody......

CHORUS OF STUDENTS & FACULTY, and "MOODY"
Hooray for Mad-Eye Moody!
Our new Dark Arts instructor!
"Did someone say 'Abductor'?"
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray for Mad-Eye Moody!
The battle-scarred Auror!
"The horror! Oh, the horror!"
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

With hard unswerving diligence
And unrelenting militance
He keeps his Constant Vigilance
"Hey! Hey!"

Just see his blue eye whirlin'
The famed Dark Wizard catcher
"I'm awfully good, you betcher"
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

He radiates charisma!
The life of every party!
"Feel free to call me Bart - uh- Alastor"
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!

Three cheers for Mad-Eye Moody!
The highest Auror scorer!
Through a foeglass
He'll teach his class
Just make sure that you pass!
Hooray, hooray, hooray!

To the tune of the theme from Fame, the 1980 movie

The Scene: The Great Hall of Hogwarts. Before a large assemblage, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE opens the casket containing the Goblet of Fire, which will select the three Triwizards champions

DUMBLEDORE
A cent'ry ago this cup
For the Tourney was last set up
I was merely a youthful pup then
Never thought I'd ever see it again

Here's what you must do
If you are 17
Sign a scroll in your own hand
A champion from each school will stand
From the Goblet of Flame

The Goblet of Fire now stands in the Entrance Hall, "full to the brim with dancing blue-white flames". CEDRIC DIGGORY approaches the Goblet confidently

CEDRIC
Flame!
I will now be undertaking
To compete in the Triwizards game
Let there be no one mistaking
The goal that I proudly proclaim
As the Triwizards champ I'll prevail
I'll surmount every danger and threat
For the sake of my house I won't fail
Hufflepuff will achieve glory yet!

CEDRIC deposits his name in the Goblet and exits. FRED and GEORGE WEASLEY approach it furtively

FRED
They said we're too young to vie
But we're too old to cry
We can make it straight to the top
An age potion, taking a drop

GEORGE
Dumbledore has drawn the line
But rules get twisted all the time
It shouldn't be hard, just a Goblet to trick
Then our names it will pick!

BOTH
Flame!
We haven't lived forever
But we both know how to fly
We're going to enter together
Give it the old college try
Dumbledore will read out a paper
From that ol' Goblet of Flame
Wouldn't we seem awfully clever
If it were inscribed with our name?

FRED and GEORGE put their scrolls in and exit, bearing long white beards. HARRY wistfully approaches the Goblet

HARRY
Flame!
It would be a great endeavor
Too bad I'm too young to apply
It would be such fun, however,
Upon me would be every eye
I can see myself contending
Winning the victory supreme
Of course I am only pretending
It's simply an idle daydream........

HARRY turns back to gaze upon the Goblet once more before exiting

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of I Saw Her Standing There by the Beatles

FRED & GEORGE:
Well, we're not quite seventeen
But we had a great scheme
We're underage, but it sure was worth a try
We'll put our names into the Goblet (whoooh!)
Past the age restriction line

We had a notion to use aging potion
Only one drop each should make us qualified
We'll be entered in the Tournament (whoooh!)
Past the age restriction line

Well, everything seemed fine
When we crossed that line
And we thought we had it made...

Whoah, before we both knew
We were thrown across the room
And then we found out our plan had gone awry
We sprouted identical white beards (whoooh!)
Past the age restriction line

Well, everything seemed fine
When we crossed that line
And we thought we had it made...

Whoah, we looked ridiculous
And Lee Jordan laughed at us
And Dumbledore said our beards they sure looked fine
"I warned you to not try and get past (whoooh!)
Past my age restriction line."

To the tune of Brand-New Key

The Scene: HAGRID'S cabin. He begins his first class of the year in a state of great excitement

HAGRID
I thought at breeding creatures I'd take a stab
I crossed a manticore with a fire crab
The offspring they made you will find in this crate
Let's rush to open it, oh I just can't wait

Oh, I've got a brand-new herd of baby Skrewts
They're a brand-new species
As you can see, everyone of them's a beaut
They're pretty as you please
They don't seem to have mouthparts
We don't know if they'll eat
But we'll raise a herd of cuddly baby Skrewts
It will be really neat

HARRY, RON & HERMIONE
Hagrid loves raising frightening monsters as pets
And these new Skrewts are the worst things he's had yet
He seems to thinks that Skrewts are a real blast
But each time we see them we all feel aghast

Oh, he's got a brand-new herd of growing Skrewts
They're like a grim disease
Hagrid seems to think that they're all so cute
They put us at unease
They lacerate and they burn us
Their odor is all too acute
But until we're rid of Hagrid's brand-new pets
All three of us are Skrewt

To the tune of Walk Like a Man by Frankie Valli - Feel free to sing along - just follow the bouncing ferret!

THE SCENE: The Gryffindor Table in the Great Hall. HARRY, RON and HERMIONE are relating to the events that just transpired between themselves, Draco Malfoy, MAD-EYE MOODY and MINERVA McGONAGALL

HARRY
That Draco tried to split me open wide
He cast a sneaky spell behind my back
But then said my DADA......

Dissolve to the Entrance Hall, with a large crowd of students assembled

MOODY ......................Hey there, Malfoy, nada!
I don't like your cowardly attacks!

MOODY transfigures Malfoy into a ferret, and bounces him in time with the music

It's time to.....

MOODY, HARRY & RON
Bounce off the wall!
Bounce down the hall!
Bounce as a critter so small
Serve your demerit doin' time as a ferret
And don't even try to run, son

Dissolve back to the Great Hall. RON continues the narrative

RON
It looked like ol' Draco had finally met his Waco
The very sight to us was purest bliss
A crowd we were drawin' and we were all guffawin'
Until McGonagall said.....

Dissolve back to the Entrance Hall

McGONAGALL (to Moody) ........What's all this?
You've got to.....

McGONAGALL & HERMIONE
Not bounce him here!
You'll get bounced on your ear
If this gets reviewed by your peers!
Report him to Snape, but change back his shape!
Now let Malfoy be a boy

ALL
.................................................................................oy!

The ferret becomes Malfoy again, somewhat the worse for wear. Exit all

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Red Rubber Ball by the Cyrkle. Words & music by Paul Simon (I didn't know that, did you?) and Bruce Woodley.

THE SCENE: After the "bouncing ferret" incident...

RON:
He didn't know Mad-Eye's in the hall
Or he would'nt'a had the fortitude to give you that close call.
Now I'd like this moment preserved for eternity.
When I glimpse his ugly face again, I know what I will see.

CHORUS
And I think of him, amazing white.
Yeah, he shot around the hall.
Old Draco Malfoy's bouncing like a furry white ball.

Moody came 'round, treachery he decried.
Cuz Malfoy cursed behind your back with his goons at his side.
Always bragging, never thinking. How he tends to live!
Now he's getting back some of the cough he likes to give.

CHORUS

The story in the post he did recount to all.
He thought my Mum too grand, and my Dad he made look small.
The Flying Anglia we took so school we could attend
Has caused some trouble with my folks, I've got a fence to mend.

Repeat CHORUS 2x

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Donna from the movie version of the musical Hair

RON:
Once upon a magical Hogwarts school
There was a snotty blonde-haired wizard!
Oh Draco, oh oh Malfoy, oh oh oh
Now he is a ferret!

I just got back from laughing at Malfoy
He's Hogwarts'
'Mazing, bouncing ferret!
Oh Draco, oh oh Malfoy, oh oh oh
He deserved it, you bet

Have you seen
His golden blonde hair now turned white fur?
And what a dream
To see girls gag at his sight, yeah
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh

Just got back from laughing at Malfoy
He's Hogwarts'
'Mazing, bouncing ferret!
Oh Draco, oh oh Malfoy, oh oh oh
Draco is a ferret!

And I'm gonna get that
All onto a picture
So that I can blackmail that snot
With this picture
I'm gonna love this revenge on him
And I'll make it last
Look, he's bouncing
Look, he's bouncing
From the spell
That Moody cast

Once upon a magical Hogwarts school
There was a snotty blonde-haired wizard!
Oh Draco, oh oh Malfoy, oh oh oh
Now he is a ferret
That is the best thing yet
Let's keep him as a pet
Ferret!
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

To the tune of One, From A Chorus Line

The Scene: PROFESSOR MOODY'S classroom. He is introducing the topic of the Unforgivable Curses to a class of 4th-year Gryffindors

MOODY
Three
Curses Unforgiven
Ev'ry single time they're cast
One
Life sentence if given
Gets you to Azkaban fast
One solitary Dementor keeps watch on you
When we think you've been an agent for You-Know-Who

One
Curse of will will rob you
You can't act on your own accord
With the second curse you're floored
With plain pain
The third
Is one that's sure to chill ya
It's the one they use to kill ya
Then.....you're.....done!

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
One
Authoritative Auror
Knows magic chapter and verse
Three
Hexes cause a furor
That can't be any worse
The things he showed in class scared us through and through
He saw it all in his battles with You-Know-Who

Won
The struggle for us last time
Let's hope he helps us win the next
Dark wizards get highly vexed
When Aurors roar!

MOODY & CHORUS
As you
Watch the spiders dancing
Just keep Constant Vigilancing
Trust......no.....one!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Unforgettable as performed by Nat King Cole

SCENE: DADA classroom. Mad-Eye Moody teaching Harry and his classmates

MOODY:
Unforgivable
That's what they are
These three curses
Of the Dark Arts
Casting just one of these curses can
Land you a life term in Azkaban
Popular before
The fall of Voldemort

First Imperius:
Total control
Then Cruciatus:
Torture your foe
Finally there's Avada Kadavra
Turn your target into a cadaver
One survivor
He's sitting in front of me

Musical Interlude

Unforgivable
So now take heed
Constant vigilance
Is what you need
That's why Dumbledore has asked of me
To show these spells to all of thee
You're up against
The Unforgivable Three

A filk by Stella to the tune of Your Mother Should Know by the Beatles

MOODY:
Let's settle down and learn of a spell
That people used to kill, when Voldemort ruled
Death Eaters used it thirteen years ago,
When Voldemort ruled, (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)

Copy this down:
There are three curses, Unforgivable
The worst was used to kill when Voldemort ruled
With this curse many people met their doom,
When Voldemort ruled (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)

Lift up your wands and point them at me
And say the words: 'Avada Kedavra'
I wouldn't get more than a small nose bleed.
Such power you need. (Ah, power)
For it to succeed. (Ah ah)
Such power you need. (Ah, power)
For it to succeed. (Ah ah)

I'll say it again:
There are three curses, Unforgivable
The worst was used to kill when Voldemort ruled
With this curse many people met their doom,
When Voldemort ruled (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah, when he ruled)
When Voldemort ruled (Ah ah)

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Requiem for the Masses by The Association

Cursum Non Indulgeo I think translates to "Unforgivable Curse" but as I am not a Latin student . . . ] Bartemius Crouch, Jr. (alias Professor Moody) enters the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom with his jar of spiders. Ron lurches backwards.

BARTY/MOODY:
Weasley, Weasley, forget your fears;
The spiders shall not break free.
Please draw your desk in; attune your ears-
It's time for you to see:

How the Dark Lord killed so many men,
Who tried to fight, but were not strong,
So all fell before him.

Begins to demonstrate, with the spiders, the three Unforgivable Curses.

Imperius makes the victim obey you.
Cruciatus makes the victim feel they've split in two.
Avada Kedavra- well, I needn't tell you-

Looks up meaningfully at Harry.

But the only one who ever survived it
Is sitting right in front of you.

Imperio; Crucio!

Neville draws back in his chair as one of the spiders experiences the Cruciatus Curse.

Longbottom, Longbottom, forget your fears;
The Lestranges shall not break free.
Please draw your desk in, attune your ears-
It's time for you to see:

How the Dark Lord killed so many men,
Who tried to fight, but were not strong,
So all fell before him.

He watches with a smirk as all of the students file out of the classroom, plotting to himself.

Imperius is what Mulciber specialized in.
Cruciatus is what did Neville's parents in.
Avada Kedavra's is what, if Cedric wins,
He shall encounter in the graveyard if I don't want him by
When I help my master rise again.

Avada Kedavra!
Cursum Non Indulgeo
Cursum Non Indulgeo

S.P.E.W. (GoF, Chap. 14)

A filk by Amy Z and Haggridd of Tom Lehrer's Smut

SCENE: HERMIONE has come into the Gryffindor common room carrying a roll of parchment and a box. She corners HARRY and RON to tell them all about her newly founded Society for the Promotion Of Elvish Welfare. The box contains membership badges. What has not been revealed until now is that on the parchment that held the S.P.E.W. manifesto, "Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status", was also written the organization's anthem.

HERMIONE:
S.P.E.W.!
Let's give the house-elves all they're due.
And any sniggering from you
Two must be mu-ted.

You can't be fickle,
Just pay a Sickle
Or two and I'll give you a badge made of nickel.
Ron can be the Treasurer and Harry can be Secretary,
Now in S.P.E.W.
We have you two
That makes a total of three; isn't that merry?

We
Will change the non-wand-use decree,
House-elves won't have to work for free,
Or wear those tea-
Towels. Can't you see?

(spoken) They cook the food we eat, do the dishes, do our laundry, clean our filthy common rooms, dormitories, dungeons, loos, stained-glass windows-- everything! 'Til they're paid, we'll never be satisfied!

A house-elf wanders in to clean the grate. HERMIONE takes the opportunity to raise the elf's conciousness.

Not to be nosy,
But is that tea-cosy
Really all you have to wear?
That's not fair.
You won't go sockless,
You'll be auction block-less
Once you stand up for yourselves.
Let's face it, I love elves.

To HERMIONE'S surprise, underneath that tea-cosy is the familiar ugly face of DOBBY.

DOBBY:
A hundred weeks this job I seeks;
At Hogwarts I is staying.
Professor Dumbledore will pay if Dobby wants his paying.
That's not all, there's more,
Vacations galore!

RON:
The house-elves all think that Dobby's depraved,
Hermione. They. Like. It. They like being enslaved!

Give in,
They think not working is a sin.
This is a struggle you can't win.
I'm much too thin
To lose my din-ner.

HERMIONE:
Who needs a hobby, like Quidditch or Astronomy?
I've got a mission-- winning Elf autonomy.
To all who would oppress them, I'm afraid we must be blunt,
We cannot fail! We will prevail, the House-Elf Liberation Front!
In other words,
S.P.E.W.!
The ways of justice we'll pursue.
The revolution's overdue.

RON:
I can't think who
Might want to spew
And trouble you.

HERMIONE:
Ron, that's "S-P-E-W".

HARRY AND RON:
Okay, we'll do it for you.

HARRY AND RON reluctantly pin the S.P.E.W. badges on, and they leave the Gryffindor Common Room with sheepish expressions on their faces.

To the tune of Be Our Guest, from Disney's Beauty and the Beast

The Scene: The Great Hall, with all of Hogwarts in attendance for the start-of-term feast. HERMIONE is shocked to learn that Hogwarts "employs" a large number of house-elves

HERMIONE
They're oppressed!
They're oppressed!
Enslaved house-elves get no rest
They bake and clean and drudge all day
And go around half-dressed

SIR NICK
That is all
Elves deserve
Why, they only live to serve
Agitation
Is seditious

HERMIONE
Don't believe it!
That's just vicious
That old song
That old dance
Against which I take my stance
It is time this social problem was addressed!
House-elves do not earn pay
Or a 401(k)
They're oppressed!
I'm distressed!
I protest!

A party
I'll create
These demands to advocate
To teach elves to fight for themselves
I shall not hesitate
They're alone
And they're scared
But I'm thoroughly prepared
Legislation I'm proposing
To give ev'ry elf some clothing
Set them free
Give them wands
And just watch how they respond
This is sure to be a popular success
Now is the time for you
To lend support for S.P.E.W.
Let me stress
You'll be blessed
Pin our badge upon your chest!
I don't jest!
They're oppressed!
Get them dressed!

HAGRID
Life is disconcerting
To a house-elf not exerting
He's no good if he can't wear a pillowcase
Ah, those sweet old elves love being useful
For you see, that's just the house-elf race
For years they've been working
Not a single duty shirking
Without deference, a chance to cook our lunch
They would bang their heads against the castle
Flabby, fat and lazy

HERMIONE
Hagrid, you are talking crazy!

Segue to the corridor leading to the Elves' Kitchen, HERMIONE in the lead as HARRY and RON reluctantly follow

HARRY & RON
She's obsessed!
She's obsessed!
She's too Type A, we'll attest
Like a library where she'll bury
Herself for a big test
She won't stop
In this cause
Till she's changed all house-elf laws

RON
Hermione is such a zealot

HARRY
To the choir you now tell it

BOTH
Our free time's
Disappeared
Since Hermione went weird
Into House-Elf Lib we both have been impressed
She tells us what to do
As Board Members of S.P.E.W.
She's possessed! On a quest! What a pest!

Enter the Kitchen, where DOBBY and WINKY join the group

HERMIONE
They're oppressed!
They're oppressed!
Come and join our great contest
As you see, these two house-elves here are free
So let's release the rest

DOBBY
Dobby likes
To get paid
(Not too much, I'd be afraid)

WINKY
And where all of this is going
Winky much prefers not knowing

HERMIONE & DOBBY
Sock by sock
Hat by hat
We will take this to the mat
We won't stop till each elf has received a vest

WINKY (simultaneous with below)
I may now be quite a wreck
But I'll take no paycheck

HERMIONE & DOBBY (simultaneous with above)
Move barriers that block us
With keys that unlock us

WINKY & CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES* (to DOBBY)
You've transgressed!
You've transgressed!
You've transgressed!

HERMIONE & DOBBY*
They're/We're oppressed!
They're/We're oppressed!
They're/We're oppressed!

HARRY & RON*
She's obsessed!
She's obsessed!
She's obsessed!

ALL
You might have guessed!

To the tune of When Our Gallant Norman Foes from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Yeoman of the Guard

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY & RON, struggling through Divination homework, decide to go to "Divination Standby". Crookshanks observes from the background

HARRY
When the galling Trelawney
Doles out homework sans mercy
Through each page we must then spend the evening slogging

Our clairvoyance is scrawny
And it turns out much worse, see,
When decrees she gives to start Futures Unfogging

RON
Insanity, indeed
But if we're to graduate
We must now invent some plausible predictions

Sums and symbols can't succeed
We just cannot calculate
So we must devise for us ingenious fictions

RON & HARRY simultaneously take up their quills and begin writing

BOTH
"The skrewt may scratch and then it may burn
And we may need a funeral urn
A coughing fit and a losing fight
Will show to all our dismal plight

"Venus will conjoin Saturn and Mars
Inside a house with numerous stars
We are betrayed by an evil force
Than would kill us and make us hoarse"

HARRY (putting his quill down)
Oh, our Inner Eye can't see
As its two pupils grow blind
For this topic is beyond our comprehension

It's no time to get fancy
We must not be left behind
For necessity's the mother of invention

RON
Though our methods may be flawed
What our audience demands
Is narrative of gloomy desolation

Sibyll's certain to applaud
If we prove we can't withstand
The impact of celestial mutations

RON & HARRY take up their quills again to write

BOTH
"The skrewt may scratch and then it may burn
And we will need a funeral urn
A coughing fit and a losing bet
Will show to all our dismal threat

"Saturn will conjoin Pluto and Mars
And woe to boys who have forehead scars!
They'll be deceived by a vile force
That will not show too much remorse...."

Crookshanks walks away in disgust

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Badge by Eric Clapton and Cream (look under the Goodbye album)

RON:
She told us 'bout the House-elves, they work just like slaves
She told us how the elves they all need to be saved
Then she told us 'bout her plan for House-elf liberation

She told us that the House-elves they needed their rights
She told us that we were to help them from their plight
Then she said the name of "SPEW" was our organization

Yes, she told us that the elves they were oppressed
Didn't notice that we weren't impressed
And some people even thought it was a jest
That Hermione would even suggest
Yes, that Hermione would suggest...

Told her that the House-elves they liked being used
Told her that no one would want to join her SPEW
She said to wear this badge, much to my irritation

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Baby's In Black by the Beatles

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Room. HARRY greets the returning Hedwig with excitement, until he reads the missive from Sirius that she is bearing

HARRY:
Oh no, what have I done?
He's coming back and I'm feeling dumb
Tell me oh what have I done?

Wrote Sirius a note, now he says that he's coming back
And though MoM's still looking for Black, he's coming back

Oh no, what have I done?
He's coming back and I'm feeling dumb
Tell me oh what have I done?

My scar it hurt, he talks about reading the signs
I have to convince him I'm fine, although I'm lyin'

Writing to Sirius

"I just imagined it
No point, you can forget what I said...."

Oh, what have I done?
He's coming back and I'm feeling dumb
Tell me oh what have I done?

Sirius' life is at stake
If he's caught they will take him away
Oh, what have I done? He's coming back and I'm feeling dumb
Tell me oh what have I done?

Won't let him go to Azkaban because of me
Sirius has to remain free, I'm so worried

Oh no, what have I done?
He's coming back and I'm feeling dumb
Tell me oh what have I done?

A filk by Amy Z to the tune of I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter by Joe Young and Larry Ahlert

SCENE: The Gryffindor 4th-year boys' room. HARRY wakes with a plan fully formed in his mind, as though his sleeping brain has been working on it all night. Very softly, so as not to wake up his sleeping roommates, he sings:

I'm gonna sit right down and write that guy a letter
And make believe that I'm okay
I'm gonna sound so fit and hale
He won't return to jail
No Dementor's gonna get him
When I've barely met him

I'm gonna smile and say my scar is feeling better
And close with hopes that Buckbeak's grand
I'm gonna sit right down, write Sirius a letter
And send it to some southern land.

I'm gonna smile and say my scar is feeling better
So he'll stay where he's safe from harm
I'm gonna sit right down and owl that guy a letter
And make believe I'm fine
For I've learned the cost of whine
Dear Sirius, please don't buy the farm!

A filk by Amber, to the tune of Walk This Way by Aerosmith

THE SCENE: Moody's classroom. Moody is teaching about the Unforgivable Curses

MOODY
Since you're behind on the Curses and ahead on the Creatures,
We'll talk Unforgivables.
Now there're three types of spells that will give you the chills
And all unimaginable.
There's the Cruciatus, the Avada Kedavra,
Which I have already reminisced.
So it'll be the Imperius that'll pull you forward
And make you do silly things with a twist
Like this!

Moody casts spells on Dean Thomas, Lavender Brown, and Neville Longbottom during the ultra-cool guitar solo

MOODY
Look at their antics, see them do things they oughtn't
Don't you feel your chest tighten with hate?
Mister Thomas hopped and sang, Miss Brown acted like a squirrel
And Mister Longbottom a gymnast great
Potter it's your turn, let's see you writhe and squirm
And jump on the desk with glee
Let me cast the spell, you surely won't feel a thing
You won't be able to run and flee
When I tell you to

Jump this way.
Jump this way.
Jump this way.
Jump this way.

Like this!

Moody casts a spell and Harry fights it...again during cool guitar solo

MOODY
Hey that's more like it, just look at him fighting
The commands that I give to him
All of you should be trying what Potter is attempting
Try to overcome the Curse and win
But you didn't do it right, bumped your knees on the desk
Almost fractured both your legs amiss
So we'll try it again until you can defeat this Curse
Just try to ignore that happy mist
Like this

Moody casts spells on Harry four more times during...aw, forget it, you know the drill

HARRY
My legs are a'shaking and my legs are a'quaking
But I've finally overcome this Curse
It took five times casting, and five times hitting
The damn desk 'til I could reverse
And while I hurt I realize with relief
That Voldemort won't ever command me
Thanks to Moody I'll be ready when he comes
Which he will 'cause my name is Harry!
Moody told me to

Jump this way.
Jump this way.
Jump this way.
Jump this way.
Jump this way.
Jump this way.
Jump this way.
Jump this way.

Entire class boogies down as Moody conjures a guitar and starts jammin'

To the tune of I Will by the Beatles

THE SCENE: Dark Arts Defense. MOODY lectures students on the Imperius Curse, and concludes by using it on Dean Thomas, Lavender Brown and Neville Longbottom.

MOODY:
You-Know-Who longs to own you
Control he would instill
He can use his Imperius
For he wants to rule your will

For if he were to seize you
You'd play his evil game
You'd become a foul Death Eater
In the Voldy Hall of Fame.

Rule you forever and for evil
Rule both your soul and heart
Use you whenever he perceives he'll
Tear your goodness apart.

And now please let me show you
How strong this curse can be
Sing aloud so all can hear you
Make a sound just like a squirrel
Do a triple-turn cartwheel toward me
I rule your will
Your will.

A folk-filk by Amy Z to the tune of She'll Be Comin' Round the Mountain

This little ditty was inspired by an offlist musing about a filk, or possibly many filks, written to the tune of "She'll be Coming Round the Mountain." I'm afraid the muser was being facetious and was probably trying to imagine the worst possible filk vehicle, but musers may unexpectedly find themselves Muses, and, I hope, amused as well. Besides, Madame Maxime doesn't get enough filks in her honor. So, grab your banjos, everyone, and chime in with an additional verse or two. It's folk music!

She'll be flying o'er the mountain when she comes,
She'll be flying o'er the mountain when she comes,
All her students will be frozen
But they're lucky to've been chosen
She'll be flying o'er the mountain when she comes.

She'll be driving drunken horses when she comes,
She'll be driving drunken horses when she comes,
She'll be driving drunken horses,
They'll be Hagrid's pals, of courses,
She'll be driving drunken horses when she comes.

Oh, we'll all be out to meet her when she comes,
Oh, we'll all be out to meet her when she comes,
We'll all be so glad to meet her,
Especially Rita Skeeter,
Oh, we'll all be out to meet her when she comes.

We'll be serving French coosine when she comes,
We'll be serving French coosine when she comes,
If a veela you would woo,
You must offer seafood stew,
So we'll broaden our men-u when she comes.

She'll be speaking wiz an accent when she comes,
She'll be speaking wiz an accent when she comes,
Oh, ze accent ees so charming
Zat 'Arry she can't be 'arming
Or is Jo being disarming? when she comes.

A filk by Tann to the tune of Das Viljalied (Nun laßt uns aber wie daheim - Es war einst eine Vilja) from Lehár's Die Lustige Wittwe (The Merry Widow)

FLUER
Ze grande Tri-Wizard Tournament,
To bring good feelin', eet was meant -
And you would feel good, ah, mais oui,
Were you part Veela, jus' lak me!

Zere once was a Veela, a silvairy-blonde,
'Ose 'air formed ze core of a magical wand.
She up and migrated from far Bulgarie
And settled en Bois-de-Boulogne, Paris.
She 'ad to give 'air wand up, for
Eet was forbidden by ze Law -
Zat's 'ow 'er wand came to me, Fleur Delacour!

Veela, a Veela, my Granmuzzer was,
An' aiv'ry man fell in love, jus' because -
Veela, a Veela, so lovely was she -
Almos' as lovely as me!

Zere's Viktor, and Cedrique, and (bah!) zat 'Arry -
But none of ze ozzers is pretty lak me.
Eef Beauty were what winning 'ere was based on,
Ze prize, wiz no lies, would go to Beauxbatons!
Viktor's nose 'as got an 'ook -
Cedrique wears a vacant look -
To 'Arry, combs are somezing in a Fairy-book!

Veela, a Veela, my Granmuzzer was,
An' aiv'ry man fell in love, jus' because -
Veela, a Veela, so lovely was she -
Almos' as lovely as me!

Not quite as lovely - as me!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Fanthoms Below from The Little Mermaid

THE SCENE: As they are in the ship on the way to Hogwarts, the students come up with a song.

DURMSTRANG STUDENTS:
We come to Hogwarts
From a school of Dark Arts
Where our spells and our curses all bang
We're hoping we'll see the
Champion will be
From our most esteemed school of Durmstrang

School of Durmstrang
Durmstrang
How proudly our school name has rang
Where we steer the ship
Because Karkaroff quips
That he can't, since he's
Head of Durmstrang

Durmstrang
Durmstrang

We steer
Steer here
We steer
Here from the Dark Art
School of Durmstrang

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Three Coins In The Fountain as performed by Frank Sinatra

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. The Goblet of Fire is just about to make its decision as to who the three Champions will be. Everybody is anxious to know, especially those who placed their names into the Goblet.

Three names from the Goblet
Each one from a different school
Placed there by hopeful students
Which ones will the Goblet choose?

Three cards from the Goblet
From it's depths they will arise
And we will know the Champions
Very soon it will be time

Which ones will the Goblet choose?
Which ones will the Goblet choose?

Three names from the the Goblet
See the magic fire light
Whose names will now be chosen
For the Tournament tonight?

Hope it's mine!
Hope it's mine!
Hope it's mine!

Three names from the Goblet
See the answers how they fly
In the hands of Dumbledore
Soon they'll be identified

Hope it's mine!
Hope it's mine!
Hope it's mine!

A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of The Cup of Life by Ricky Martin.

Scene: The Halloween Feast in the Great Hall. Everyone has just finished eating and is eagerly awaiting the selection of the champions. Suddenly, an infectious beat fills the room and Cedric Diggory leaps on top of the Hufflepuff table and starts singing and shaking his hips. A chorus of Hufflepuff guys-including Justin Finch-Fletchley-stands up and acts as his chorus. The girls swoon while the guys gape.

So is your name in it? (Repeat 3 times)

Look look look! (Look look look!)
A name a name a name! (A name a name a name!)
Look (look) look (look), look (look) look (look)
It's a name, yeah!

The Cup of Fire, it does the job
Selects the champs, those who will try
They'll try the tests, 'cause they're the best
Lord will they try, hope they don't die

Hogwarts School will compete, the other schools we'll beat
Because that Beauxbatons, its champ won't be so strong
Though Durmstrang does have Krum, in fact he's really dumb
We'll prove that the shiny Cup is all for Hogwarts
It's all for Hogwarts. (Yeah!)
So is your name in it?

Hogwarts, ho! A name a name a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!
Hey, take a look! The Cup's shooting out a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!

We can't wait for competition
They all will fear our champion
Our boy or girl will be the one
To take the cup, look look look!

So when you see the flame
You'll know it chose a name
Many will try and fail
Yet one will still prevail

The tasks will be quite hard
Danger will be constant
You may be the cup's choice
If your name is in it

So is your name in it?
So is your name in it?

Watch us roll! A name a name a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!
This is your chance
To really be a star
The Cup of Fire!
A name a name a name!

Maybe you could win it!
So is your name in it?
Maybe you could win it!
So is your name in it?
(Yeah!)

The Cup of Fire, it does the job
Selects the champs, those who will try
They'll try the tests, 'cause they're the best
Lord will they try, hope they don't die

Hogwarts School will compete, the other schools we'll beat
Because that Beauxbatons, its champ won't be so strong
Though Durmstrang does have Krum, in fact he's really dumb
We'll prove that the shiny cup is all for Hogwarts
It's all for Hogwarts! (Yeah!)
It's all for Hogwarts! (Yeah!)
So is your name in it?

Hogwarts, ho! A name a name a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!
This is your chance
To really be a star
The Cup of Fire
A name a name a name!

All the girls! A name a name a name!
All the guys! A name a name a name!
Hey, take a look! The Cup's shooting out a name!
Look look look! A name a name a name!

A name a name (A name a name), a name a name (a name a name)
A name a name (A name a name), a name a name a name
A name a name (A name a name), a name a name (a name a name)
A name a name (A name a name) a name a name a name
Yeah!

So is your name in it?

Yeah!

To the tune of Great Balls of Fire

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. DUMBLEDORE is presiding over the ceremonial selection of the three Triwizard champions. All of Hogwarts in is attendance, along with visitors from Durmstrang and Beauxbatons.

DUMBLEDORE (to the Goblet)
You picked our champs, and they are lookin' rum
It's Cedric, Delacour and Viktor Krum
We'll see great feats when they compete
Goodness Gracious, Goblet of Fire!

During the second verse, the Goblet unexpectedly re-ignites, and ejects a fourth scroll of parchment, which Dumbledore intercepts

Give all of your applause now to our three Tri-Wiz
Oops, the Goblet's givin' out more blazin' fizz
It's getting hotter - it says H. Potter!!??

ALL
Goodness Gracious, Goblet of Fire!

HARRY
You stun me, goblet, woo......it feels bad
Hold on, Goblet, it's the most stupendous shock I ever had
You've surmised I'm surprised

ALL (except Gryffindor students, Moody, and Dumbledore)
You're a crummy fraud with those lies lies lies!

HARRY (making his way forward)
I chew my nails, I'm shakin' in my shoes
I'm really panicked and I ain't amused
Come on Goblet, don't wanna squabble-it
Goodness gracious, I've raised some ire!

KARKAROFF & MADAME MAXIME
Exclude him, Albus, woo-ooo..that'd be right
Hold off, Albus, we can't have small boys competing in this fight
We say "NO WAY!"
Both of our schools will take flight flight flight

MOODY
I'm stompin' on my peg leg and I swivel my eye
Some dark wizard's plannin' to see Potter die
That's why his name emerged from flame
Goodness gracious, his straits are dire!

MOODY & HARRY
I say goodness gracious, his/my straits are dire...oooh...

To the tune of Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire

THE SCENE: Gryffindor Common Area. Enter HARRY & RON, each of them facing away from the other. Enter HERMIONE, who views both with exasperation

HARRY
Don't want no Tri-Wiz cup
'Cause somebody set me up
I did not choose to compete
But that mug sure turned up the heat

My name came from the Goblet of Fire
I was not involved
But Ron thinks that I'm a liar
I've been spurned spurned spurned
Claims I conspired, that's what transpired

HERMIONE
Fights between friends aren't fit
As when they're both half-wits
These boys, they are so hard-wired
o act like in bad satire

RON
His name came from the Goblet of Fire
He won't tell me how
So our friendship must expire
I feel stern stern stern
Toward that broomflyer I once admired

HERMIONE
Harry got snagged by the Goblet of Fire
And each boy thinks that
The other should some trust acquire
They can't learn learn learn
To just desire to call ceasefire ..

Exit severally

To the tune of It's a Long Way to Tipperary

THE SCENE: The Great Hall. HARRY laments how the Triwizards Tournament has turned his life upside-down

HARRY
Since this Triwizards mess began, I've had no peace at all
I'm greeted with immense distrust as I walk down the halls
My best friend will not speak to me, and views me with disdain
And everywhere that I now go, I hear the same refrain

CHORUS OF SLYTHERIN, HUFFLEPUFF & RAVENCLAW STUDENTS
It's a wrong way to grapple, Harry
It's a wrong way, we think
That's why we all now buttons carry
Which proclaim that "Potter Stinks"
Goodbye to your reputation! Farewell to Ron's friendship!
It's a wrong wrong way to grapple, Harry
You ought to get a grip

HARRY
I got yanked out of Potions class for the Weighing of the Wands
That Rita Skeeter questioned me, and was I ever conned!
The quotes that she did fabricate made me sound like Gilderoy
And every moment of my shame was cherished by Malfoy

CHORUS
It's a wrong way to grapple, Harry
It's a wrong way, you know
They call this the Triwizards Tourney
But you think it's Quattro-Pro
Harry chose to challenge Cedric, who's our one true Hogwarts Champ
Is this ego trip so necessary
That his style you must cramp?

Enter HERMIONE & PROF. MOODY

HERMIONE
Harry is not deceiving you, I know this for a fact
I saw his face when his name was called, and Harry cannot act
Professor Moody has declared that some Dark Plot is certain
That somewhere 'twixt Tasks One and Three, he might well get"curtains"

MOODY
It's a wrong thing to gripe at Potter
It's a wrong thing, I cry
Someone wants to get Harry slaughtered
Someone wants to watch him die
Only the most potent magic could've entered his name, I judge
It's wrong thing then to gripe at Harry
(to himself) Hint hint wink wink nudge nudge

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of She's Leaving Home by the Beatles

NOTE: The Midi has is different from the original song (specifically, an few extra lines added in the last stanza that shouldn't be there...man, I hate when that happens!)

HARRY ( & GRYFFINDOR CHORUS):
Every Friday at two o'clock we have Potions class
I dread the time spent in the dungeons
Double Potions with all those Slytherins
We went downstairs where we found all the Slytherins waiting there
Standing outside of the classroom door
Their taunting's hard to ignore
(They) Everyone wearing badges
(Are being) "Support Cedric Diggory" badges
(Cruel) That also flash "Potter Stinks" back at me
They're being cruel, I feel just like a fool
It makes me angry

Draco insults Hermione and calls her, "Mudblood"
We pull our wands out and cast curses
Granger and Goyle get it right in their faces
Snape comes 'round and asks in a deadly voice,
"What is going on?"
"Potter attacked me," Draco then cried
Goyle's face is filled with fungi
(Snape) Snape will not listen to us
(Is always) He favors them over us
(Cruel) Snape then sent Goyle to the infirmary
Snape will act cruel although this little duel
Wasn't started by me

Ronald then says to Snape, "Malfoy hit Hermione!"
Slowly Snape turned his greasy-haired head
Paused and, "I see no difference," he said
(He) What Snape said was so wrong
(Is being) He shouldn't have treated her wrong
(Cruel) A professor shouldn't behave like him
Snape's being cruel, I don't know why this school
Puts up with him
They're being cruel
Slytherins

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Helter Skelter by the Beatles

Popularized by Charles Manson...(oh, that was mean of me)

HARRY:
You come up to me and you say that you're wanting a quote
Then I look and I see what your magic quill wrote
I'm surprised what I see, it's all nothing but lies
Yeah, yeah, yeah

"What made you decide to enter, now?
We all know that you really weren't allowed
There's no need to be scared 'bout getting in trouble
You know our readers really love a rebel"
Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter, yeah

"Are you, aren't you feeling a bit nervous?
Would you say you're being ambitious?
Tell me can you remember your parents?
How'd you think they'd feel at this moment?"
Watch out! Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter

The next day I read the news clip in the Daily Prophet
You have twisted my words, this is not what I said
Everyone's mad at me, I don't want to see you again!
Yeah, yeah, yeah

"How did your past trauma affect you?
Do you now feel you've something to prove?
Tell me, tell me, tell me," you ask
"How do you feel 'bout the upcoming tasks?"
Watch out! Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter

Watch out! Rita Skeeter, she's writing down lies
Yes she is, yes, she's publishing lies.

DRACO (yelling):
HARRY POTTER REALLY STINKS!

To the tune of Pretty Women from Sondheim's Sweeney Todd

THE SCENE: HAGRID, promising an important revelation, escorts HARRY (under his invisibility cloak) down a pathway away from Hogwarts. NOTE: For dramatic purposes, Madame Maxime does not enter until the very end.

HAGRID (to Harry)
You'll see, sir, before you carry out your task
The challenge that you shall face
So follow me down this winding lane
My purposes I shall soon explain
Why secrecy we must tight maintain
So please keep your cloak in place

HARRY (under his cloak)
I'll try hard to keep apace

HAGRID hums joyfully as he walks along. HARRY joins in by whistling along.

HARRY (spoken)
You're in a merry mood today, Mr. Hagrid.

HAGRID (music)
When I approach things breathing fire
My heart cannot be vexed
These creatures simply so inspire
My soul to sing, as if in choir
How much, how much I so admire....

HARRY
They're Skrewts, sir?

HAGRID
More than Skrewts, sir

HARRY
What, sir?

HARRY stops at the sound of a deafening roar

HAGRID
Dragons.

HARRY (stunned with fear)
Ah....yes......dragons.....

HAGRID
Pretty dragons.

HAGRID & HARRY approach a compound in which four ferocious and violently struggling dragons are being held in preparation for the Triwizards Tournament. CHARLIE WEASLEY heads up a team of Wizards trying to subdue them. HAGRID resumes his humming; HARRY tries to whistle along again, but his throat is now too parched and dry

CHARLIE (to his team)
Now then my friends
Now use your stun spell
Together, employ it
Dragons can't be controlled with traps

HAGRID (to Charlie, interrupting)
What types do you hold here
Within your compound, sir?

HARRY (to himself)
Oh my!

CHARLIE
A Horntail, Welsh Green,
Fireball, and Short-Snout, sir

HARRY (to himself)
I'll die!

HAGRID (spoken)
Such a pretty Horntail!

HARRY (spoken)
I'm deader than a doornail!

CHARLIE (spoken, overhearing the invisible Harry)
What? What was that?

HAGRID (spoken, escorting Harry away from Charlie)
Oh, nothing, sir, nothing, nothing. Kindly proceed.

HAGRID gazes upon the dragons with a rapturous expression, while HARRY's invisible face bears a look of horror

HAGRID (music)
Pretty dragons
Lacerating
Breathing fire
Nesting
Pretty dragons
Are a wonder
Pretty dragons

Rearing on their hind legs
Or roaring with a blare
Something in them
Warms the air

Pretty dragons.....

HARRY
How I'm threatened......

HAGRID
Savor the view.....

HARRY
Roasting......

HAGRID
Blaze forever.....

HARRY
Burning fiercely......

HAGRID
Pretty dragons......

BOTH
Pretty dragons!
Blowing away wizards or
Growing fifty feet

HAGRID
Then they eat

BOTH
Even when they've eaten,
They're famished, they somehow
Can still remain
Hungry
Hungry

HAGRID
Ah, pret