Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

See also the full-length Prisoner of Azkaban musicals Brink O' Doom by Caius Marcius, Harry by R.J. Lupin, My Fair Harry by JustLivePosthumously, The Secret Keeper by Literary Luminary, and A Sirius Story by Nelsongirl

Copyright 2001-2003, 2006 by Caius Marcius, except The Only Established Copyright 2001 by Lisa I.; Consider My Plight, If You'd Just Let Me Explain... and It's Dementors Copyright 2001 by Pippin; You're Still Just A Punk To Me Copyright 2001 by Indigo; Unregistered Animagi Copyright 2001 by Marina Floyr; He Came in Through the Hallway Painting , Pettigrew and Capture Black Copyright 2002 by Mariner; Smooth Criminal Copyright 2002 by Moony & Padfoot's Girl; Behind Blue Eyes Copyright 2002 by RemusWolf; 99 Rank Dungbombs, Another Wand, Chocolate Bar, The Dementors, The Explanation, Famous Harry Potter, Harry Don't, Hey Grim Dog, Honeydukes, If She Does Too, I've Just Heard a Voice, Oh! Harry, Pettigrew and Snape Dressed As Gran Copyright 2002-2004 by Gail Bohacek; Please Help Me Get Out Copyright 2002 by Kaesa Aurelia Secunda; Back in the Wizarding World and The Continuing Story of Sirius Black,Copyright 2002 by Ellen Anglin; A Day in Black's Life Copyright 2002 by Audra Hammer; I Need A Broom Copyright 2002 by Charlene; His Firebolt, Magic Bus Blues, Raw Liver and Sirius Copyright 2003, 2004 by Ginger; Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, Prongs, and Snape Copyright 2003 by Amy Z; We Want to Win the Cup Copyright 2003 by Ravenclaw Chaser; How're We Gonna Make Him Stay in the School?, The Knight Bus Will Go Where You Deign, The Rat Had Come Out To Play and We Love To Go To Hogsmeade Copyright 2003 by Haggridd; Buses and Trains and Tea Leaf Prophecies Copyright 2003, 2004 by GiNnY; Feeling Weak and Hagrid's Classes Copyright 2003 by Manda; Your Daddy's Son Copyright 2003 by Motone; That Thing's Not a Rat! Copyright 2003 by Jackie DeMedio; He's A Retriever Copyright 2003 by Havertonx; I Should've Run Before, Pleading the Rules and You Oughta Go Copyright 2002 by Amity; Goodbye 4 Privet Drive Copyright 2003 by Embledore; Knight Bus Copyright 2003 by Maria; Now Black (is back) Copyright 2004 by Pixieberry; Animagus Rap Copyright 2004 by Crystal Wood; I Unwrapped My Firebolt Copyright 2004 by Catherine McK; I Got Bit Copyright 2004 by Totally Tonks; Hey Potter! and I Do Swear (Tap Three Times) Copyright 2004 by Jason LeBouef; After Today, It Won't Be Long and Now We Can Turn Back Time Copyright 2004, 2006, 2008 by The Final Stillness of Saturn; Fly Copyright 2004 by Murasaki; Yesterbroom Copyright 2005 by dungrollin; Very Superstitious Copyright 2005 by Rachel Harris (aka Errolowl); Friday Night and The Quidditch Cup Copyright 2005 by stickbook; Harry's Nimbus and Twinkle, Spells Copyright 2005 by Jake A. Ralphing; Bravely We'll Die, Firebolt, His Mother Was There, Patronus Caster and Turn Back the Time Copyright 2005,2006 by RJ Lupin; Carol That Repels and Death Eater Copyright 2005 by Jill; Don't Wanna Be Your Foe Copyright 2005 by Prankaholic; The Prisoner of Azkaban Copyright 2005 by Alessandra C.; A Semi-Mental Man Copyright 2006 by LovCedricdiggory; Just Floating Away Copyright 2007 by Nimbus1944; All Blown Up Copyright 2007 by Nymphadora

A filk by Alessandra C. to the tune of the traditional Carol The Holly and the Ivy

Oh, the prisoner of Azkaban,
A crazy man named Black,
Of all the wizards sent to jail
He alone came back.

(Chorus) The dementors were so angry,
On the look out everywhere.
The Ministry put posters of him
To make wizards aware.

At the Dursley's one fine day
Aunt Marge arrived to sup,
She kept insulting Harry's parents,
So the boy became fed up.

(Chorus)
By involuntary magic,
He made auntie blow up.
He then escaped from the Dursleys',
Later, the Night Bus came up.

While on the train to Hogwarts,
When all the lights went out,
A dementor came in and Harry fainted,
But Lupin threw it out.

(Chorus)
The dementors were so angry,
On the look out everywhere.
The Ministry put posters of him
To make wizards aware.

Once Harry and his friends
Were safely back at school,
They didn't know just who Black was
And thought him cruel and a fool.

(Chorus) The dementors were so angry,
On the look out everywhere.
The Ministry put posters of him
To make wizards aware.

Then inside the Shrieking Shack
Pettigrew was unmasked.
With the time-turner they went back,
And two innocent lives were saved.

(Chorus)
The dementors were so angry,
On the look out everywhere.
The Ministry put posters of him
To make wizards aware.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of From Me To You by the Beatles

DUDLEY (singing along to a song on the television):
Da-da-da-da-da dum-dum-dum
Da-da-da-da-da dum-dum-dum

VERNON:
I'm going to pick up Aunt Marge
But let's get things straight ere I do
Now first of all, you'll keep a civil tongue

HARRY:
I will, if she does too

VERNON:
She knows nothing about your powers
And she would freak out if she knew
No funny stuff, so you behave yourself

HARRY:
I will, if she does too

VERNON:
I told Marge your school's a center
That's for criminal boys
So as soon as Aunt Marge enters
Do not make any noise (raises his fist) Oooo!

We know magic is abnormal
The topic is strictly taboo
Listen to me, don't do anything wrong

HARRY:
I will, if she does too

If she...does too

But what I need is just your signature
Then this thing I will do

I've a form to go to Hogsmeade
That I want you to sign
If you do, then I will concede

VERNON (with a note of panic in his voice):
You better tow the line, Ooooo!

HARRY:
That's a lot I need to recall
There's a lot that I may slip through
So sign my form, and then I'll play along

VERNON:
All right, only if you!

HARRY:
Will do, will do, will do.

DUDLEY:
Da-da-da-da-da dum-dum-dum

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Hey Porter by Johnny Cash

THE SCENE: Aunt Marge comes to visit.

VERNON:
Hey Potter! Hey Potter!
Don't you waste all my time
When your Aunt Marge comes into the house
You better walk that line
At dinner don't you say too much
You'll keep a civil tongue
Or better still don't say a word or else you might get hung

HARRY
Hey Uncle! Hey Uncle!
What's that did you say?
How much longer do you think Aunt Marge is
Coming here to stay?
When she gets witchy and she's talkin in my ear
And gives me hell,
She treats everybody just like a creep
It makes me want to yell

VERNON
Hey Potter! Hey Potter!
You're giving me a fright
Your old aunt is puffin' up
And she's now ten times her size
I ask you now right here if you will
Burst her bubble please
Cause If you don't I'll bust your head
And whack you on your knees

HARRY
Hey Uncle! Hey Uncle!
I packed my bags you see
I need nobody to stop me now
So get away from me
Go tell that stupid witch I hope I
Fixed her little scheme
It's all her fault you know
So now just listen to her scream

VERNON
Hey Potter! Hey Potter!
Don't you walk out that door
When they find out about what you had done
You won't go to school no more

HARRY
Tell Aunt Marge I said thanks a lot
Because I didn't really care
I'm gonna find my way to the wizard world
There'll be no Muggles there

A filk by Amity to the tune of Nickel Creek's I Should've Known Better

HARRY (sitting on his bed)
Been a long time comin' and misfortune was stacked.
It's been a long hard road to hell and back.
My aunt meant trouble from the day she came.
She won every fight, I lost every word.

Now you'd think that I should've run before.
Now I think that I should've seen it come.
My heart sank when I read the letter.
I ran like I had to, ran like I had.

A plate of empty lies, today's expulsion date.
A bad time like this was always bound to rot.
Your words meant trouble from the day you came.
If you wanna deflate, they'll poke you with a pin.

Now you'd think that I should've run before.
Now I think that I should've seen it come.
My heart sank when I read the letter.
I ran like I had to, ran like I had.

All alone on my own.
All alone in my head.
Magic spells you can't take back, once they've been done.
I don't know what this hate is for.
All I know is I don't want you here anymore.
Now you'd think that I should've run before.

I should've seen it come.
My heart sank when I read the letter.
I ran like I had to, ran like I had.

Lies down on the bed, curtains close

A filk by Amity to the tune of Alanis Morissette's You Oughtta Know

MARGE:
I want you to know that your parents deserved death

HARRY
I wish nothing else but that you would explode

MARGE
A nicer version of me
It won't happen anytime soon

HARRY
Would it be too hard just to try an' comfort me here?

MR. DURSLEY
Don't speak to your aunt like that

HARRY
And would I use this service kit
So I don't end up thrashing Marge into bits

MARGE
'Cause, boy you need a haircut that is getting really thick
wasn't able to cut it you seem to rather be a thug, no

HARRY
And every time the Dursley's speak your name
It makes me want to choke and you choke on meat too
Until you died, 'til you died
But now you'll pay

GRIM
And I'm here to find Harry
Because of the mess that he was put through
It's not fair to deny him
Of all the memories he should know
You, you, you oughtta go

STAN
You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm probably just as well, I thought you might have called

HARRY
Did the Dursley's forget about me yet I wond'r
I hate to go back in the middle of dinner
It was not a shock that I was quickly thrown out
Are you thinking of me when you thrash about?

DUDLEY
'Cause the love that we didn't have for him
wasn't able to make him recoil and be ashamed, no
And every time we speak his name
Does he know how much we loath him

MR. DURSLEY
Until you died, 'til you died
But now you'll pay

HARRY
And I never want to go back
Because of the mess that I was put through oh
It's not fair to deny me
Of the memories I should know
You, you, you oughta go

GRIM
'Cause the crime that was placed on me
Is never gonna fade now

HARRY
As soon as I see that dog again
Everytime I see a canine like that at all
I hope they rememember me, remember me

A filk by Embledore to the tune of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road by Elton John

HARRY sings this song to the people indicated before each verse.

[to Aunt Marge]
When are you gonna come down
You don't wanna hit the fan
You shouldn't have said what you did
You shouldn't insult my old man

[to Uncle Vernon Dursley]
You know you can't hurt me forever
I don't wanna live with you
I'm not a kid that you can kick around now
This boy's too old to take abuse from you

So goodbye 4 Privet Drive
Where I spend the start of each tome
You can't lock me in your cupboard
I'm going back to my home

Back to the school where they teach all the spells
Flying my broomstick so high
Oh I finally know that my future lies
Away from 4 Privet Drive

[to Aunt Marge]
What do you think you'll do then?
You'll never be the same

It'll take you a couple of Ministry wizards
To get you on your feet again

[to himself]
Maybe I'll get a suspension
I might get kicked out of school
Using magic outside of Hogwarts
Breaks the Ministry of Magics rules

So goodbye 4 Privet Drive
Where I spend the start of each tome
You can't lock me in your cupboard
I'm going back to my home

Back to the school where they teach all the spells
Flying my broomstick so high
Oh I finally know that my future lies
Away from 4 Privet Drive

To the tune of Let's Go Fly A Kite, from Mary Poppins

The Scene: 4 Privet Drive. HARRY, having dinner with the Dursleys and his gruesome Aunt Marge, grows increasingly restive under her insults

MARGE: (spoken) Go on, boy, go on. Proud of your parents, are you? They go and get themselves killed in a car crash (drunk, I expect)....

HARRY (music)
When Aunt Marge calls me a disgrace
That's the kind of thing I can face
If she calls me a slime, I hear that all the time
But to slur Mom and Dad - well, now, that makes me mad.

Let's go float Aunt Marge
Blow her up round and large
Let's make it seem that Marge came here from Goodyear
Since Dad she would berate
It's time to Aunt-inflate
That's why I've blown up Marge

Uncle Vern warned me to be nice
To get my note signed was his price
And I could get expelled if I cast one more spell
But she slandered my Mom - so I'm dropping the bomb

Let's go float an Aunt
Let's end her nasty rant
Though it's not original to make Marge a dirigible
Can't help to bring her down
Right now I'm leaving town
Time for me to transplant!

Harry exits 4 Privet Drive

A filk by Nimbus 1944 to the tune of Up Up And Away by Jimmy Webb

AUNT MARGE:
How did he do this? I'm becoming a balloon!
That Potter boy did this! I'm becoming a balloon!
"Get me down and we will thrash him, Vernon, you and I.
Oh, he should die,
He should die!"
Just floating away, like some child has lost her circus-toy balloon!

Evil lurks in him, changing me to a balloon --
The devil's dance he does, hexing me up toward the moon!
I watch Little Whinging shrinking from my view on high.
"You made me fly --
Don't deny!"
Just floating away, like some child has lost her circus-toy balloon!

Suspended out of reach aero-pneumatically,
And soon too high to be able to snag a tree,
I circle Sheffield and reach for a chim-in-ney;
A man's voice says "Forgive us,"
And something like "Oblivious"---

-- I had this crazy dream that I was a big balloon;
I dreamed I floated free like a fanciful balloon!
There were chimneys, trees, and men on brooms up in my sky,
Oh, I could fly!
I could fly!
Just floating away, like some child has lost her circus-toy balloon!

A filk by Nymphadora to the tune of All Grown Up from Rugrats

AUNT MARGE:
Every Dursley is always proud to say
"Oh, that Potter boy's weirder and that Potter boy's stranger"
He goes to reform school and caused us all frustration
When he made me undergo this freakish transformation
I was All Blown Up! I swelled and then I floated out!
All blown up! Don't want no one to know!
All Blown Up! That Potter's gonna get it now!
All Blown Up! 'Cause him!
All Blown Up! 'Cause…him!

To the tune of the Beatles' Paperback Writer

THE SCENE: Magnolia Crescent, late at night. HARRY has just departed from the Dursleys under less than cordial circumstances, and finds himself stranded

HARRY
I'm in trouble now, I just blew up Aunt Marge
From Hogwarts it's certain I'm to be discharged
A giant dog is somewhere lurking 'round at large
And I need some help, if I am to be a survivor
Privet Survivor!

He loses his balance, and falls backwards, inadvertently signaling the Knight Bus. The conductor STAN SHUNPIKE emerges

STAN
Give me your wand hand, since you flagged us down
Just fifteen sickles and you're off to London town
Get some hot chocolate, don your evening gown
You can call me Stan, and Ern'll be your magic bus driver

STAN AND ERNIE
Magic bus driver!

HARRY
Drive me to Diagon, Diagon, Diagon

The bus roars off, lurching violently from side to side

STAN
Now, sit back, young Neville, and enjoy the ride
Just watch the trees and houses leaping to one side
When they hear the Knight Bus, the path they open's wide
And we'll never hit a thing, because we're not a supercollider

STAN AND ERNIE
Supercollider!

The bus pulls up in front of The Leaky Cauldron. Cornelius Fudge and Tom, the Cauldron's proprietor, are waiting out front.

STAN
We have reached our stop with zigging and some zags
Corny and Tom are here to take your bags
And if ever you are stranded, wave your wand and flag
For Ernie and Stan, your reliable magic bus drivers!

STAN, ERN AND "NEVILLE"
Magic bus drivers!

Harry disembarks - the Knight Bus roars off and vanishes

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of The Night They Invented Champagne from the Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe musical Gigi

SCENE: STAN SHUNPIKE praises the virtues of Wizarding World Mass Transit to Harry.

STAN SHUNPIKE
The Knight Bus will go where you deign,
But not beyond the strand,
It must go on dry land.
To call us, use legerdemain.
You stick out your wand hand,
Itinerary's planned.
Obstacles we regard with disdain;
Our path is never ever wrong.
The Grim can't hurt you there
He hasn't got the fare
So climb aboard the Knight Bus as we roll along.

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of Buses and Trains by Bachelor Girl

HARRY:
Hagrid, it's there like you told me.
The train's at platform Nine and Three Quarters.
It's my transport to the Wizarding World.
I ride grinning like an amateur.

I'm on the Hogwarts Express,
I am on the school train,
Leave the Muggle world
Which is starting to wane.
I left the Dursleys
I think they're all insane.
Oh this feels so good,
Don't wanna go back again.

Aunt Marge, she's been so mean to me.
I didn't mean to curse her, now she's bloated.
Now the Ministry is after me.
I know I'll be expelled, I'm afraid, so I ran and fled.

I was found by the Knight Bus,
Was picked up in the street.
Fell back in surprise,
Stan helped me on my feet.
Thought I saw a Grim,
Hope I've not gone insane.
I left Privet Drive,
Don't wanna go back again.

By riding on the Knight Bus
And the Hogwarts School Train,
Leave the Muggle World,
Don't wanna go back again.
Don't wanna go back again.
Hey yeah...
Oh, it feels so good.
Yeah....

I know, I have no choice.
I will have to go back again
To the Dursleys, at the end of the year.
Because they're the guardians Albus has chosen.

Riding on the Knight Bus
and the Hogwarts School Train,
Leave the Muggle World,
For the magical plane.
I left the Dursleys
I think they're all insane.
Oh this feels so good,
Don't wanna go back again.

On the Knight Bus
And the Hogwarts School Train,
Leave the Muggle World,
For the magical plane.
I left the Dursleys
I think they're all insane.
Oh this feels so good,
Don't wanna go back again.

On the Knight Bus
And the Hogwarts School Train...
Leave the Muggle World,
Don't wanna go back again.

A filk by Maria to the tune of Good Night, by The Beatles.

Harry has just left number 4 Privet Drive, after inflating Aunt Marge. As he finds himself in the street, alone, he wonders...

HARRY:
I ran out of Privet Drive
They got me mad.
Floating high was Aunt Marge
Like a huge fly.
Now I will be expelled....
Now where will I stay...

I saw something in the dark
t'was huge and black
I fell over my trunk
Flat on my back.
As I fell, my arm
reached out with my wand.

Flashing lights point at me
Knight Bus is here
Stan Shunpike and Ernie
They welcome me.
I'll go to London
The Leaky Cauldron.

Knight Bus, Knight Bus will take me
Anytime, anywhere
Knight Bus

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Wedding Bell Blues by the Fifth Dimension

It is difficult to write a solo for Madam Marsh without overstepping the bounds of good taste. Stepping out of charactor for a moment, I will try.

MADAM MARSH:
Ill! I wish this bus would just stand still.
But with a fear of heights, a broomstick's not my way.
No, and if I Floo, the ashes turn my robes all grey.
I once got a slight thrill when I was learning.
Once I got up high, well, my guts were churning.
Though I know that I don't wanna be,
I think I'm gonna be ill.

I wish this bus would just stand still.
If I could Apparate, my life would just be swell.
No, which was north and which was south, I couldn't tell.
I got stuck once in Alaska and caught pneumonia.
Then when I got home, I landed in a begonia.
And now I know I don't wanna be,
I think I'm gonna be ill.

I wish this bus would just stand still.
But it's a long, long jump from Kent to Stoatshead Hill.
I've heard the Muggles have a motion sickness pill.
I will be ill.
I will be ill.

I know I'm gonna be ill.
I got the Magic Bus Blues.
I'm gonna be ill.
I got the Magic Bus Blues.
Gonna be ill...

A filk by Amity to the tune of Crash and Burn by Savage Garden

HARRY
Now I feel all alone
And the Dursley's are just a far away thought

FUDGE
Give me a moment please, there's something I need to say
I know you did that big thing to Marge and all that

STAN
It's still hard for me to grasp that Harry Potter was here
When he told us his name was Neville Longbottom, it felt like he was someone else

FUDGE
Let me be the one to say
If you try that again it'll stay
The same warning as before that other time last year
We need a private room
Where I can mend this fence

HARRY
If you make me go back there again
I'm still alone

FUDGE
When you have calmed down
You'll see why you need to go back
You're caught in a hard situation
With the monsters by your bed

HARRY
So I'll just stay here in the meantime
You'd feel better for my safety, so will I

FUDGE
Let me get you a room here
Don't go wandering off too far
There could be danger lurking anywhere
If you need to roam away
I can't mend your inguries If you need to crash then do it here
You'll be looked after

HARRY
Because there is something I need before you go
And it's about the Hogsmeade visits, sir

FUDGE
No, I say

HARRY
When I feel all alone
And the common room is dark at night
Give me a moment please
To explain to you my needs

FUDGE
Let me be the one to say
Rules are the rules
I'm afraid that's really all I can do

TOM
If you need to sleep
I can show you to your room
Its time to go now follow me

HARRY
I'm alone now

To the tune of The Streets of Laredo

As I walked out toward the shops of Diagon
As I strolled out through Diagon one day
I spied a young wizard a-slurpin' on Sundaes
Slurpin' on Sundaes, as free as a jay

"I see from your schoolbooks that you attend Hogwarts
Your parents must be proud of how well you've done."
"Oh, sir, I'm an orphan who was raised by Muggles,
Their hatred of magic is second to none.

"Twas me that the Dursleys were always deridin'
Twas they who invited my Aunt Marge to stay
'Twas then my wrath flew up and that Aunt I blew up
And the Knight Bus let me make a quick getaway

CHORUS:
"Oh, wave the wand slowly 'gainst evil unholy
I climbed 'board the bus whilst observing a Grim
As young Stan and old Ernie took me on this journey
I could not but think that my prospects looked dim

"Then Corny Fudge met me to handle my suitcase
And said to hang out here until start of school
I somehow don't think it's because I've a cute face
I've used magic at home and broke many rules

"I've heard arguments, see, (but quite accidentally),
That the fugitive Sirius Black when asleep
In his dreams cried 'at Hogwarts he's at, so I'll transport'
And may strike me as part of his mission creep.

"He may get me one day but till then a Sundae
I'll savor at the parlor of good Fortescue
'Neath these bright umbrellas this boy Cinderella
Awaits the next onslaught from ol' You-Know-Who.

CHORUS:
"Oh, wave the wand slowly 'gainst evil unholy
I climbed 'board the bus whilst observing a Grim
As young Stan and old Ernie took me on this journey
I could not but think that my prospects looked dim."

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Moon River by Andy Williams

When Harry stayed at the Leaky Cauldron, he noticed a hag ordering a plate of raw liver from behind a thick, woolen balaclava. No one stopped to converse with her, but had they done so, this is what she may have said:

THE HAG:
Raw liver, tender as a child.
An organ most reviled, they say.
Oh, cow innards, a true winner.
Wherever they serve you, I'm going to stay.

Raw liver sets my heart a-whirl.
No boca or tofu for me.
My kid-eating days at an end,
No gnawing on a friend,
My entrée I defend.
Raw liver and me.

To the tune of I Get Around by the Beach Boys

THE SCENE: Flourish & Blotts. HARRY is unnerved by the picture of a large black dog on a volume titled Death Omens, very like the one he spied on Magnolia Crescent. The 100 or so copies of the Monster Book of Monsters interrupt their scuffling to serve as backup CHORUS

HARRY & CHORUS OF "MONSTER BOOKS"
Hound hound spot a hound
I/He spot a hound
Yeah
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
I/He spot a hound
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
When leavin' town
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
A malign canine
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
It's got a Dark Art whine

HARRY
I got a list of magic books that have got to be bought
So I take my galleons to Flourish & Blotts

The Monster Books scrap in a large iron cage
And not a one of them seems to be on the same page

HARRY & CHORUS
I/He spot a hound
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
When leavin' town
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
A malign canine
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
It's got a Dark Art whine
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
I/He spot a hound
Hound
Spot a hound hound hound oooo
Wah wa ooo
Wah wa ooo
Wah wa ooo

HARRY
The manager has texts on the Future Unfogged
But the Death Omen book is adorned with a dog

Now, the mutt that I saw I'm sure is just a stray
If it ain't though, I'm headin' for some real dog days

HARRY & CHORUS
I/He spot a hound
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
When leavin' town
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
A malign canine
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
It's got a Dark Art whine
Spot a hound hound hound I/He spot a hound
I/He spot a hound
Hound
Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah

Exit HARRY - as CHORUS fades out, the MONSTER BOOKS resume their brawling

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Another Girl by the Beatles

THE SCENE: Diagon Alley. RON meets up with HERMIONE and HARRY while shopping for school supplies.

RON:
Oh yeah I've bought another wand, another wand

My parents they sent me out on the first day of school
I needed a wand but we couldn't afford one that's new
So Charlie gave me the old one that he had got
But now I've bought another wand, another wand

It was a battered looking wand, chipped in places too
Unicorn hair was poking out, not of much value
I shouldn't complain but I really hated it a lot
But now I've bought another wand

Another wand, fourteen inches made of willow
And in the core a hair from a unicorn's tail

By accident my old wand snapped, broken right in two
I tried spell-o-tape to fix it, but it wouldn't do
Each time I tried it the spell would be a big flop
But now I've bought another wand

Another wand, fourteen inches made of willow
And in the core a hair from a unicorn's tail

I have to tell you that I'm so happy with this thing
Now I can cast spells without fear of it exploding
And I just picked it up at Ollivander's shop
Yes I have bought another wand, another wand, another wand.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Honey Don't by the Beatles

"Arthur," called Mrs. Weasley, who was now shepherding the rest onto the train. "Arthur, what are you doing? It's about to go!"

"He's coming, Molly!" said Mr. Weasley, but he turned back to Harry and kept talking in a lower and more hurried voice. "Listen, I want you to give me your word - "

"- that I'll be a good boy and stay in the castle?" said Harry, gloomily.

"Not entirely," said Mr. Weasley, who looked more serious than Harry had ever seen him. "Harry, swear to me you won't go looking for Black."

Harry stared. "What?"

Just then, the sound of music filled the station as Fred on bass, George on guitar and Ron on drums leaned out of one of the train windows and started to play a bluesy melody. Mr. Weasley then started to sing:

ARTHUR
Well, you say you heard us talking last night
And you say, Harry, it's alright
Now before you go on your way
There is one thing that I must say
Oh, aw, aw
Well, Harry don't
Well, Harry don't
Harry, don't
Harry, don't
Harry, don't
Promise me that you won't
Aw, aw, Harry, don't

I knew you were made out of stronger stuff
'Though Fudge said you weren't old enough
Only want you to be on your toes
With Black loose you've got a right to know
But, aw, aw
Well, Harry don't
Well, Harry, don't
Harry, don't
Harry, don't
Harry, don't
Promise me that you won't
Aw, aw, Harry don't

Aw, rock on George, one time for your dad

George Weasley rocks on his guitar

Promise me...

mmmmm hmm I said

Well, you've heard how dangerous is Sirius Black
And the Ministry's on his track
Want to make one thing clear
Whatever happens, whatever you hear
Oh, aw, aw
Well, Harry, don't
Well, Harry, don't
Harry, don't
Harry, don't
Harry, don't
Promise me that you won't
Aw, aw, Harry, don't

Aw, rock on George for Fred this time

George rocks again

Well, Harry, don't
Well, Harry, don't
Don't go looking, Harry don't
Promise me that you won't
Aw, aw, Harry, don't

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Savoy Truffle by George Harrison

The Scene: On the Hogwarts Express, Harry's third year at Hogwarts.

HERMIONE (keenly): Do you know much about Hogsmeade? I've read it's the only entirely non-Muggle settlement in Britain...
RON (off-handedly): Yeah, I think it is, but that's not why I want to go. I just want to get inside Honeydukes!
HERMIONE: What's that?
RON (as a dreamy look comes over his face): It's a sweetshop where they've got everything.....

RON (singing)
Peppermint creams. shaped like a toad
Cauldron cakes you can get a la mode
Sugar Quills that you can suck during class
And we'll get this all and even more
By going to Honeydukes

Many Flavored Beans and a nice pumpkin tart
I can taste it now, just at the thought
Fizzing Whizzbees which you can purchase in mass
And we'll get this all and even more
By going to Honeydukes

HARRY:
I hate to break the news to you
But my permission form
Did not come through

RON:
We'll find a way to get you there
'Coz you can't miss this place
It's way too cool

Drooble's Blowing Gum, Exploding Bonbons
Cockroach Clusters and Licorice Wands
Pepper Imps, it's really a blast
And we'll get this all and even more
By going to Honeydukes

HERMIONE:
McGonagall will sign if you ask
Or maybe someone else
When we get back
And don't think about sneaking out
Because you've forgotten 'bout
Sirius Black

RON (ignoring her):
Peppermint creams, shaped like a toad
Cauldron cakes you can get a'la mode
Sugar Quills that you can suck during class
And we'll get this all and even more
By going to Honeydukes
Yes, we'll get this all and even more
Just by going to Honeydukes

To the tune of Sentimental Journey

THE SCENE: A cabin of the Hogwarts Express, en route to Hogwarts. Passengers include HARRY, RON and PROF. LUPIN. The train suddenly screeches to halt, and is plunged in darkness. LUPIN magically creates a flame in his hand for illumination. Enter a Dementor, searching for Sirius Black

RON
Did you ever see Dementors journey?
They're not too friendly, I've been told

HARRY passes out

Hey, please, someone - quickly get a gurney
Harry Potter's been knocked out cold

LUPIN moves to assist him

HARRY (reviving)
As it entered I felt my spirit sicken
It loomed above me dark and huge
It seemed like that ghost from out of Dickens
That went time-turnin' with old Mr. Scrooge

LUPIN (giving a slab of chocolate to HARRY)
Choc'late! Please make sure that you consume some choc'late!
As for that Dementor, I will block it!

LUPIN waves his wand at the Dementor, which immediately exits

Knock it off because you're way off-track
We don't have Black.

ALL
Bad things happen when Dementors journey
But it could have been much worse, no doubt
We might have had a visit from an attorney
Then everyone of us would pass out.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Till There Was You by the Beatles

This song also comes from the musical The Music Man, if you're into that sort of thing :)>

HARRY:
There we were on the train
It had stopped and we were waiting
Then one of them came through the door
A Dementor

It stood there and it's hand,
Like something dead and decaying,
I saw it suddenly withdraw -
A Dementor

Then there was coldness and horrible screaming
They told me I slid off the chair to the ground and then

There was fog all around
Must have been hallucinating
As I laid there down on the floor
The Dementor

Then Remus Lupin pulled his wand out at it
They told me it turned and left without a sound and then

The lights were on again
And we all heard Lupin saying
What was that creature we just saw
A Dementor

A Dementor

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Cinnamon Girl by Neil Young

Written from Harry's POV, the first four stanzas being Harry remembering what Professor Lupin told him.

HARRY:
"You ought to eat
This here chocolate bar
You will feel happy
If you eat a piece
Of this chocolate bar

It was a Dementor
Guard of Azkaban
That entered through the door
As soon as you can
Eat that chocolate bar

Ev'ry good feeling
That you've ever had
Dementors are stealing
And leaving you sad
Have some chocolate bar

They're looking for Black here
On the Hogwarts train
Now to dispel your fear
I'll tell you again
Eat your chocolate bar"

With my very first bite
I started to feel all right
Warmth spreading to my toes
A DADA Professor who knows!
Yum...yum...yum!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Live and Let Die by Paul McCartney

SCENE: When the Trio ask Sir Cadogan for directions to the North Tower, he's rather estastic about the fact that they'll die bravely if they can't find the tower.

SIR CADOGAN:
Now some may say that my mind is just too loony
They say my thoughts are so crazy

PORTRAITS:
Because they are, because they are, because they are

SIR CADOGAN:
But in these ever-changing stairs and halls of Hogwarts
If that goal won't apply
Then bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die

And quickly, Sir Cadogan begins racing through portraits with the Trio at his heels. Ron begins to complain loudly, and Sir Cadogan rounds on him

What does it matter to ya
If you've got some tired feet?
You've got to walk those steps
Or else you'll know that you have reached defeat!

You say my thoughts are so crazy

PORTRAITS:
Because they are, because they are, because they are

SIR CADOGAN:
But in these ever-changing stairs and halls of Hogwarts
If that goal won't apply
Then bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die
Bravely we'll die

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Within You And Without You by the Beatles

Scene: First day of Divinations class. The students have come into the Divination's classroom, wondering where the Professor is. Then, from out of nowhere, comes the mystical drone of the tamboura, the sound of a sitar and sarangi and the beat of the tabula. From behind a beaded curtain Prof. TRELAWNEY emerges, bedecked in a gauzy spangled shawl singing and making the appropriate hand mudras:

TRELAWNEY:
I'll be teaching...Divination to all of you
But I warn you...It's very difficult to do
If you don't have...the gift of the sight...there's very
little...That I can
teach you

I'll be showing...in very explicit detail
You'll be able...to penetrate the unseen veil
You will see (you will see)...through this mystery...
Then you'll understand

Try to be receptive to the resonances of the subtle aura
It is such a burden to be All-Knowing
You can see everything through the Inner Eye

(musical interlude)

We'll be covering...the basic methods of this art
It's a rare gift...that I'm not able to impart
Only few (only few)...they can see...are you one of them?

When you've looked beyond this world then you will gaze through this haze
called the future
The time will come when you too will preview what will happen just by using
the Inner Eye

To the tune of Bali Hai from South Pacific

THE SCENE: Divination Class. PROF TRELAWNEY introduces herself to the third-year Gryffindors

TRELAWNEY
Most wizards can't penetrate the future
Their talents are merely for bangs and smells
Most witches can't comprehend The Obscure
Forsaking foresights they can't foretell

Inner Eye
It guides you
Ev'ry night ev'ry day
Textbooks here cannot show you
Ain't no way
Ain't no way

Inner Eye
Truths revealed
Cups of tea to empty
Catch a glimpse of the concealed
Sip with me
Sip with me

The reading of palms
The omens of flame
Gaze in the crystal
See past the mundane!

(to Neville) When you reach for a tea cup
Take the blue not the pink
I'll guide you in Divination
All-seeing vision thing
Inner Eye Inner Eye Inner Eye

(to Harry) Today we see it
Prowling through the churchyard
The giant spectral dog
Which we call the Grim

It searches for you
You'll see it lurch hard
Then, Harry, it's bye-bye.

(to ALL) See with me
Inner Eye
See it through
If you try you'll view it
You'll believe in tea leaves
You will study Divination
You will see inwardly
Inner Eye Inner Eye Inner Eye

A filk by GiNnY to the tune of Tea and Sympathy by Jars of Clay

Scenario: Harry, Hermione, Neville, Parvati, and Lavender musically rant and rave after their first Divination lesson with Professor Trelawney....

HARRY:
Don't feel well.
Just heard all her words and tea leaf prophecies.
Telling us of deaths and those things that will be.
The Grim's in my cup, and this will be the end of me.

HERMIONE:
Not content
to stay here in this class, this stuffy room.
I'm a captive in this Tower, won't be rescued.
I'll drop this stupid class and concentrate on Ancient Runes.

'Tis not the way that it should be.
Don't trust in all these tea leaf prophecies, no.
And 'tis not the way that it should be.

NEVILLE:
She foretold
that in this class I will clumsily break china cups.
The next minute my cup falls, I try to sweep it up.
Reached for one more, and went on reading leaves.

HERMIONE:
'Tis not the way that it should be.
Don't trust in all these tea leaf prophecies, no.
And 'tis not the way that it should be.
Don't trust in all these tea leaf prophecies.

[short instrumental and background vocals]

PARVATI (to Hermione):
Love this class
the smoke, the scent of leaves that fill my head.
I can sense your bitterness
'Cause you don't have the gift, you can't read the future,
Can't make a prediction or two.

LAVENDER:
'Cause this is the way that it should be.
You should believe in tea leaf prophecies, oh.
This is the way that it should be.
You should believe in tea leaf prophecies.

PARVATI:
This is the way that it should be.
You should believe her tea leaf prophecies, oh.
This is the way that it should be.
You should believe her tea leaf prophecies.
Yeah, oh.

HERMIONE (AND HARRY):
Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.
(Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.)
Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.
We all have our doubts.

Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.
(Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.)
Don't believe in tea leaf prophecies.
We all have our doubts.
No. Oh.
We all have our doubts, oh.

A filk by Manda to the tune of Boomkat's The Wreckoning

He came
He taught
To kick off class
The pain Draco earned when he got gashed
For the way Hagrid teaches is strange
The griff opened one of Draco's veins

Can't run can't hide
There's no way out of Hagrid's class
So time for the pain again
Time, time to feign pain again

CHORUS:
Damn if he thought that he could teach
The third-year Slytherins, they're hard to reach
So then
Draco gets hurt by Buckbeak
He knows
He's just a-fakin'
Classes will come and classes will go
And one thing Hagrid ought to know
Is that
Never try to teach those hard Slytherins
And so
A court case comes up.

Can't start
To believe
He cannot teach
Until he gets in trouble
For applying bad
Animals to start to try to teach
That cause heaps of injuries

Things will come and things will go
And one thing that he doesn't seem to know is that
Unicorns are a lot safer to learn then blast-ended skrewts.

Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
So it's time
Hagrid can't teach

Damn if he thought he could teach
And life would go on all the same..
So when Draco got injured by Buckbeak
Hagrid knows he's in bad trouble
Things will come and things will go
And one thing Hagrid knows for sure is that
Teaching don't help your self-esteem
And so, he wants to walk out that door

Damn if he thought his life would change
When he took up this job.
Potter, Weasley and Granger helped him
When he messed up his class
But then, they hated it as well

And he's running from his problems
When Draco messed up his life
He skipped off from his job
And made a wreck of self-esteem
And so Draco wrecked his life
And so Draco wrecked his life
And so Draco really wrecked up his life
The court case he's like to be running from…

Repeat CHORUS

Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Oh resign
Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Hagrid can't teach
Please resign…..

To the tune of King of the Road

THE SCENE: Potions Class. SNAPE, once again out of patience with NEVILLE, threatens Trevor with grave bodily harm

SNAPE
Failure he represents
Brain power of one percent
Neville's a total squib
The answers from Granger cribs
And that… orange potion make me stewed
So it will be used as Trevor food
I'm a man who's mean by all means
Bring me the toad

NEVILLE
At the end of my wits
Concentration…..blown to bits
Cold shivers down my spine
Self-esteem is so supine
I can't be rid of that orange smoke
Poor old Trevor's gonna croak
Snape says "Make it green or you're seein'
Me kill your toad."

HERMIONE (whispering, to NEVILLE)
I know ev'ry ingredient for all of these brews
And just how much rat spleen and how much leech juice.
That Sev'rus Snape wants to play Weakest Link,
So I'll do all I can to get your potion in sync.

The moment of truth arrives, as SNAPE scoops up Trevor and a small spoonful of NEVILLE's potion

SNAPE
I think:
Travailin' will arrive
Don't deem Trevor can revive
His chances look remote
Once this stuff's down his throat
Ah, but…he's turned to a tadpole…..
Time to lose some self-control
You will pay for your arrangin', Granger:
Five points unload!

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top

LUPIN:
Dark Arts, Defense
All of the students are under suspense
Boggart, wardrobe
Neville says he's a Snape-a-phobe
That is how my very first class began
'Cause nobody frightened of Snape dressed as Gran

Boggart will appear
Transform it's shape into what you fear
Laughter's the key
Then the Boggart's power will recede
Neville was nervous but I told him, "You can.
'Cause nobody frightened of Snape dressed as Gran"

Out comes Severus
Neville then exclaims, "Riddikulus!"
Green dress, handbag
Snape is now dressed all in drag
It was a part of my new lesson plan
'Cause nobody frightened of Snape dressed as Gran

To the tune of Little Richard's Devil in a Blue Dress & Good Golly, Miss Molly!

THE SCENE: The Staffroom. LUPIN is about to demonstrate the correct way to dispose of a boggart. He beckons to NEVILLE, who steps nervously forward. As the song begins, the wardrobe door swings open to reveal the boggart in the form of Snape

LUPIN
Fee, fee, fi, fi, fo-fo, fum
Watch the wardrobe now, here it comes
Boggarts assume the most fright'nin' shape
Neville sees it changin' to Severus Snape
But it won't look so slick to us
After we raise our wands and shout….

LUPIN & NEVILLE
……"Riddikulus!"

The BOGGART is suddenly draped in the robes of Grandmother Longbottom

LUPIN & NEVILLE
Boggart with the green dress, green dress on,
Boggart with a green dress on,
Boggart with the green dress green dress on
Grandma Boggart, get you gone!

The Boggart successively assumes the form of a Mummy, a banshee, a rat, a disembodied hand, a silvery orb, etc., during the following, as each student steps forward to cast the Riddikulus spell upon it.

LUPIN
Force 'em to a form that will make you laugh
And all a boggart's terrors will be cut in half
If the mummy's curse is your greatest fear
Make it trip on its bandage and fall on its rear
Whether a banshee, or a rat
Jus' make it look comical, it's gone in nothing flat

LUPIN & STUDENTS
Boggart under great stress, great stress, great stress,
Boggart under stress' a pawn
Boggart cannot impress, distress, possess
Boggart, better get you gone!

HARRY withdraws from the group, as frightful images of Dementors flood his mind

HARRY
Don't enter, Dementor!
Your hands are decayed
Don't enter, Dementor!
You make me afraid
Don't enter, Dementor!
I have no blockade
While you're glidin' and slidin'
Flat on the floor I'll be laid
'Twas an evil, evil moment in my early, early days
I heard my mama screamin' in a flash of green haze
Don't enter, Dementor!
You are too extreme
While you're floatin' and gloatin'
I can hear my mama scream

NEVILLE moves in to finish off the boggart, which explodes at the end of the lesson. As the Gryffindor students exit the classroom, NEVILLE relives his rare triumph

NEVILLE
Fee, fee, fi, fi, fo-fo, faim
We opened up the door, there it came
With a fox-fur scarf and bag to match
In my grandma's gown with a vulture on her hat

STUDENTS (except HARRY)
Our lesson plan was meticulous
We knew to wave our wands and shout "Riddikulus!"
Boggart with the green dress, green dress on
Boggart with the green dress on
Boggart with the green dress, green dress, green dress,
Grandma Boggart, get you gone!

Exit all

A filk by Ravenclaw Chaser to the tune of The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't be Late)

SCENE: OLIVER WOOD is giving the GQT a pep talk before the first practice of the season.

THE TEAM (except WOOD):
Quidditch, Quidditch time is here
This year is going to be our year
We've gotta have the top ranking
'Cause Oliver is graduating

WOOD:
Since Harry joined the team
I thought it was a guarantee

ALL:
We've played well, but we'll step it up
This year, we'll win the cup

HARRY:
During the Sorcerer's Stone episode
I was in the hospital, out cold
Last year, the season was short-lived
Because of Slytherin's basilisk

TEAM (except WOOD):
We know we're the best around
And on ourselves, we won't get down
Though we've had the worst of luck
We want to win the Cup!

WOOD:
Yes, the weather's cold and wet
But on the Cup, we are set
So we'll practice three nights a week
Train until we're at our peak

THE TEAM (except WOOD):
Gryffindor will be great
It's us that they'll congratulate
Everyone'll know we're good
We'll win the Cup for Wood!

To the tune of Cole Porter's Get Out of Town, from his musical Leave It To Me

THE SCENE: Transfiguration Class. HARRY hopes against hope that McGONAGALL will allow him to accompany the other third-years to Hogsmeade sans the written consent of his guardians

HARRY: (spoken) Professor, my aunt and uncle -- er -- forgot to sign my form…..So -- er d'you think it would be all right mean, will it be okay if I -- if I go to Hogsmeade?
McGONAGALL: (spoken) I'm afraid not, Potter. You heard what I said…….

(music)
Stay out of town
Because you've no form from home
Stay out of town
Keep in your dorm please

Ask me to sign?
That is a task I'll decline
Although Hogsmeade is Cloud Nine
You've heard my decrees

Don't disappear
Dementors are not a joke
And if they're near, close to you dear
They'll smoke your Cloak

The rules stipulate parental estate
Its Hancock has got to write down
Get on your way to class
Stay out of town

Exit HARRY dejectedly. McGONAGALL, with an "odd expression" (is it pity?) on her face, watches him leave

To the tune of Love Potion No. 9

The Scene: REMUS LUPIN'S office. HARRY has a new concern - is SNAPE trying to poison LUPIN?

HARRY
I took my troubles to Remus Lupin
On Grindylows he's giving me the spin
But then Snape barged in lookin' totally malign
Carryin' a goblet of some potion unbenign

I told Lupin about my Boggart fears
He's the best teacher we've had in three years
But he now seems ill and it must be Snape's design
To polish off his rival with some potion unbenign

He saw the cup, he picked it up, it's billowing smoke
I thought, "This has gotta be some kind of sick joke"
Lupin drank the whole thing down as though it were Coke
I held my breath, I closed my eyes, I'd thought he'd croak

I didn't know if Lupin knew that Snape
For the Dark Arts' job is bent out of shape
I had a crazy urge to knock aside the stein
I don't want him poisoned by some potion unbenign

Exit HARRY

LUPIN (to SNAPE)
I wouldn't know exactly what'd I do
Without this complex mixture that you brew
Its taste may be bad but lunar fears are left behind
Because this werewolf potion helps me preserve my mind

HARRY (from without, simultaneous with below)
Some potion unbenign
Some potion unbenign
Some potion unbenign

LUPIN & SNAPE (simultaneous with above)
Helps me/you preserve my/your mind
Helps me/you preserve my/your mind
Helps me/you preserve my/your mind

A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of It Won't Be Long by the Beatles as sung by Sir Cadogan (with back-up by a few other knights who are visiting his portrait)

SIR CADOGAN:
It won't be long yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
It won't be long yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
It won't be long yeah (yeah)
Till they want to come in.

Other night, their Lady fell to attack;
Now I'm awaiting Sirius Black.
It won't be long yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
It won't be long yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
It won't be long yeah (yeah)
Till he wants to come in.

Students leave here (oooooo)ev-er-y morn,
Return to this portrait I adorn. (They're coming back!)
I'll wait here for them to appear,
They're coming back; they're coming back!

Passwords change; they must know to get inside.
So I keep out those who don't reside.
It won't be long yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
It won't be long yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
It won't be long yeah (yeah)
Till they want to come in.

Fat boy here doesn't understand,
Now he's coming, he's coming on back, (They're coming back!)
He demands the word that I planned,
They're coming back; they're coming back!

Every day, they are safe here, I know,
For without a password, I will say no.
It won't be long yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah
It won't be long yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah) yeah (yeah)
It won't be long yeah (yeah) Till they want to come in.

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Hot Diggity! made famous by Perry Como

The Scene: The Gryffindor Quidditch Team's Locker Room. Oliver Wood is talking about the last minute switch from playing Slytherin to playing Hufflepuff (because of Malfoy's "injury")... "They've got a new Captain and Seeker, Cedric Diggory -" Angelina, Alicia and Katie suddenly giggled.
"What?" said Wood, frowning at this lighthearted behavior.

A fun, polka-type song suddenly starts playing out of nowhere. The three girls stand up, face the team, and begin to sway back and forth together to the beat.

ANGELINA, ALICIA & KATIE:
Oh, Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me
Oh yes, definitely! Cedric Diggory!
Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me
How I wish he were mine!

ANGELINA:
He's that tall, handsome, good-looking guy, by the way
Kinda shy, by the way -- makes me sigh, by the way
All the witches adore his gray eyes, by the way
We say, "Oh, how I wish he were mine!"

ANGELINA, ALICIA & KATIE:
Oh, Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me
Oh yes, definitely! Cedric Diggory!
Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me
How I wish he were mine!

KATIE:
He's that strong, silent type Hufflepuff, by the way
Pretty buff, by the way -- up to snuff, by the way
Yes, the witches like him sure enough, by the way
We say, "Oh, how I wish he were mine!" Oh, Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me
Oh yes, definitely! Cedric Diggory!
Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me
How I wish he were mine!

During the time it takes for this musical interlude, Fred walks over to face them.

FRED:
He is silent because he is thick, by the way
As a brick, by the way -- ain't too quick, by the way

Turns to face Oliver

Wood, this game will be such a picnic, by the way

ANGELINA, ALICIA & KATIE:
You're just jealous because he's divine!

Oh, Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me
Oh yes, definitely! Cedric Diggory!
Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me
How I wish he were mine!

Oh, Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me

FRED (very irritated):
Oh, go build him a shrine!!!!

ANGELINA, ALICIA & KATIE: (ignoring him):
Ced Diggory, Ced Diggory -- Oooh! What you do to me How I wish he were mine!!

HOT CED!!

To the tune of The Best of All Possible Worlds, from Leonard Bernstein's Candide

THE SCENE: The Dark Arts' classroom. The third-year GRYFFINDORS are in attendance. HARRY rushes in late only to discover that a "Sub" is teaching today…..

HARRY (rushing in, speaking): Sorry I'm late, Professor Lupin, I-

SNAPE (music)
Potter, this news you might find distressin'
Lupin's not here - so I'll teach this lesson

HARRY (music)
He always trashes the other professors who teach
Defense Against Dark Arts, for that is the topic he'd preach

SNAPE
Open your textbooks, to the very end of your book
Today at werewolves we all shall be taking a look

Kindly contrast true wolves and werewolves

HERMIONE
The former are found where ever there are wolves
The latter are humans who monthly sprout abundant hair
They are Dark Creatures and thrive best in bestial lairs

HARRY
Objection! Where is Lupin?

SNAPE
Professor Lupin is unwell, and inasmuch as I can tell
So far behind
This class I find
It does confirm my worst fears:
You know less than the first years
Incompetent teachers at DADA have always been a curse here
Third-years who study Grindylows?
To count one's fingers and one's toes
Would be ten times more puzzling
Now, Potter, start self-muzzling.

HERMIONE
Werewolves are tied to a lunar cycle
Once one is bit, not even Nyquil
Can prevent their entry into a furrier phase

SNAPE
Five points that costs you, Miss Granger, your hand was not raised.

RON
Objection! Let her respond!

SNAPE
I thought this class was taught by me,
But it seems that Sir Ron Weasley
Has some great need
To supersede
My carefully crafted lecture
At least I so conjecture

So let me now make evident
The points that I'll deduct, sir.
I state it's now my current plan
To have you scrubbing out bed pans
As you serve your Detention
So, what else have you to mention?

Werewolves are wolves, have been and will be

CHORUS OF GRYFFINDOR STUDENTS
Werewolves are wolves who would love to kill me

SNAPE
This is the reason that werewolves so fear the full moon
(And, have you noticed, tonight we have here the full moon)
Homo Homini Lupus!
FYI!

CHORUS
Homo Homini Lupus! FYI!

SNAPE & CHORUS
They're the worst of all possible
Possible possible wolves!
Homo Homini Lupus!

SNAPE
F! Y! I!

Note: The original song has Dr. Pangloss leading a brief canon on the phrase Quod Erat Demonstrandum (Q.E.D): Thus It Is Demonstrated, the triumphal cry of the logician. Here, I have Snape substitute another well-known Latin epigram (which just happens to likewise consist of seven syllables), Homo Homini Lupus: Man is to man a wolf.

A filk by Manda to the tune of Flavor of the Week, by American Hi-Fi

He flies around
And he don't know
There's dementors down below
To drive him mad
To have some fun
They take their toll on him
He'll lose his Nimbus broom of course
And he can't prevent its tragic fate
Though it meant everything to him

That broomstick
He don't know
How it could turn out worse
It's too wrecked to repair
If Lupin then can help him see
EP could stop him feeling weak

Another night he's on his own
The Firebolt is a million miles away
He got almost killed
Diggory won the game
And his broomstick has so had it….
And he's got memories of it all
How those dementors he so abhors
He can't fight back, they're all too strong

Hogwarts students they don't know
How bad those dementors are
They made him pass out from his broomstick
He wished his Patronus could him….
So they would flee away from him…..

A filk by Murasaki to the tune of Drive by Friggin' A

Harry sings of his lamentable Quidditch games hounded by the Grim and the Dementors.

HARRY:
I just gazed there, in that crystal ball,
And I felt stupid when she said
She thinks I'm going to die.
Ron was saying that it was just a sheep,
And that it should bring me good,
But then Trelawney gave her say.

I thought I was strong enough to fly
But I get cold and melt--
Even Lupin's chocolate doesn't help.

Because this massive dog keeps following me,
And I can't see very well, drowning in the screams of my dead parents.
There's dementors in every corner of the school;
They bring back old bad memories.
They're everywhere, saying I will die
And I can't fly.

I can't go to Hogsmeade
Unless I use my dad's old cloak
--He used to sneak out, too--
Because it's not safe,
And I could die.
Then at Quidditch, I couldn't catch the Snitch,
And fell right off my broom.

Now I'm training with a spell
From a man who knew Dad well
And must have known his killer, too . . .

And this massive dog keeps following me,
And I can't see very well, drowning in the screams of my dead parents.
There's dementors in every corner of the school;
They bring back old bad memories.
They're everywhere, saying I will die
And I can't fly.

And my photo album
Shows that wedding photo,
Back from a better time . . .

But this massive dog keeps following me,
And I can't see very well, drowning in the screams of my dead parents . . .
I can't fly.

Because this massive dog keeps following me.
It brings back old bad memories.
It's everywhere . . . everywhere
And I can't fly.

A filk by Motone to the tune of Your Daddy's Son from the musical Ragtime

THE SCENE: Sirius, in the form of a dog, has sneaked to Hogwarts and is watching Harry play Quidditch. ...Harry saw something that distracted him completely: the silhouette of an enormous shaggy black dog, ...motionless on the topmost, empty row of seats.

SIRIUS:
Ooh…
Daddy, he played Quidditch
Played it very well
He could catch the Snitch
The way he could cast a spell
He'd make the crowd love him
'Fore the game was done
You have your daddy's skill.
You are your daddy's son.

Ooh...

Daddy never knew
Voldemort was on his way
He had other worries
And other games to play
When Voldy up and killed him,
I just up and run
The only thing in my head-
You are your daddy's son.

Couldn't feel no goodness,
Couldn't see no light
Sirius was in Azkaban,
Prison filled with fright.
Anger without comfort,

Screams without no sound.
Only darkness and pain
The anger and pain
I escaped from the pain!
I unburied my hope from the ground!
When I found
You playing Quidditch above ground.

Daddy, he played Quidditch
He would be playin' still.
Sirius can't forget him.
Don't suppose I will.
MOM wants some excuses.
I have only one:
You have your daddy's skill.
So I see.
You are your daddy's son.

A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of Merry Xmas (Let the War be Over)

Oh, splintered Nimbus.
Rotten luck comes.
A horrible murder.
His broom was really Whomped.

You know, splintered Nimbus,
He rode you, old chum.
His rear end since Year One,
Was swollen and numb!

It's buried, Harry's Nimbus.
Now rides crappy school gear.
It's hopeless and shoddy.
Those Shooting Stars veer.

(Twooo thooousand and ooone.)

Oh, twisted Nimbus.
You streaked right along.
The Snitch couldn't dodge past. The girls watched in throngs.

And so, tattered Nimbus.
You're cracked from your blight.
That Willow was callous,
And struck down your flight.

I'm bleary, Harry's Nimbus.
We all shed a few tears.
We'll roast you as kindling.
And toast you, my dear.

Oh, splintered Nimbus.
You got really dumped.
A terrible murder.
His broom was really Whomped.

Old battered Nimbus,
He rode you, old chum.
His rear end since Year One,
Was swollen and numb!

I'm sorry, Harry's Nimbus.
We all shed a few tears.
Emotions are solemn.
Devoutly stand near.

Get the pall to cover,
Get the pall to cover,
Harry's Nimbus.

A fillk by Dungrollin to the tune of Yesterday, obviously, and you know who it's by

Harry is lamenting the loss of his Nimbus 2000.

HARRY:
Yesterbroom,
Without you life is simply full of gloom,
Quidditch practice has lost its perfume,
How could I break my yesterbroom?

Suddenly,
There's a total lack of levity,
I have an itch to kill that bloody tree,
O yesterbroom, why d'you leave me?

Why you had to drift? I'm so miffed! You met your doom,
I fell off astern, now I yearn for yesterbroom.

Yesterbroom,
As the branches caught did panic loom?
Now in pieces, you've no va-va-voom,
O how I miss my yesterbroom.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune I've Just Seen a Face by the Beatles

THE SCENE: Madam Pomfrey's infirmary. HARRY broods over his disastrous encounters with dementors.

HARRY:
I've just heard a voice
Inside my head I had no choice I heard it say
When the Dementors came during that last Quidditch game we played
"Oh, no no no no no!"

Outside in the pouring rain
Now my life will never be the same it was my mother's cry
The last thing that she said before she died
Why, why, why, why, why, why?

Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"

I had never known the circumstance
Behind her death but by mischance I came to realize
She protected me from Voldemort that night
She died died died di-di-died

Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"
Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"

I've just heard a voice
Inside my head I had no choice I heard it say
When the Dementors came during that last Quidditch game we played
"Oh no no no no no!"

Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"
Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"
Oh, Falling, yes I am, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"

To the tune of Faith Hill's This Kiss

THE SCENE: The DADA office. HARRY discusses his Dementor problems as LUPIN provides a lesson in their Natural History.

HARRY
I don't want to dread Dementors
I don't need a smelling-salt supply
I don't want to just surrender
Can I face them eyeball to eye?
But they really got my number
How do they drive me awry?

LUPIN
It's their PTSDing
It's their feeding off fear
It's their glacial horror
It's their habit severe

It's a pillory for you
It's implacable
It's this, it's this! (Iniquitous!)
It's this, it's this!

HARRY
So I ask you, Remus Lupin,
Will these flashbacks ever cease?

LUPIN
Nothing's fouler than Dementors
They can slay joy, crush hope, break peace
They rejoice in squalid places
Filthy, slimy, grimy grease

HARRY & LUPIN
It's the way they drown you
It's their rattling breath
It's their sinister mission
It's their portent of death

LUPIN
It's too dreadful a moment
It's unthinkable
Its kiss, its kiss! (Unbearable!)
Its kiss, its kiss!

If they kiss you then its goodnight
Toward the void your spirit's swayed
When they kiss, it's dementia for good
While your soul's forever mislaid
When on you its mouth is clampin'
Everything you are must fade
Then see them floating, just hear them gloating!

HARRY & LUPIN
It's the way they kill souls
It's destruction of bliss
It's their ultimate weapon
It's a hellish abyss

It's that pitiless monster
It's impervious
Its kiss, its kiss! (Incon-soul-able!)
Its kiss, its kiss!

fade-out

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of 99 Red Balloons by Nena

Fred and George in Zonko's Joke Shop
Buy a bag of dungbombs with the money they've got
Light them off at the break of dawn
'Till one by one, they were done
Down the hall, Filch's nostrils' flare
Comes the message, "Something smells there"
Wafting through the corridors
99 rank dungbombs go off

99 rank dungbombs stinking up the Hogwarts' halls
Panic swells, it's red alert
There's Mrs. Norris and Argus Filch
Fred and George spring to life
As fast as their feet can fly
With Filch running close behind
Where 99 rank dungbombs went off

99 detention sheets, 99 more to complete
Filch growls, snarls, glares and scowls
Calls Fred and George something foul
Threatens them with detention
Disembowelment, execution
The Headmaster will be informed
That 99 rank dungbombs went off

99 cabinets of files
One marked confiscated and dangerous
Fred and George have an intuition
George creates a quick diversion
Fred reacts and in a flash
Pulls out the Marauder's Map
Filch doesn't see; he had to cough
As yet another rank dungbomb goes off

99 rank dungbombs go off

99 schemes the twins have planned
All helped by the Marauder's Map
Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs
Lead them to where they don't belong
Now to Harry they confess
The secret of their sly success
They bequeath to him the map
Now to Hogsmeade, he may go.....

A filk by Lisa I. to the tune of The Oldest Established from Guys And Dolls

THE SCENE: An empty classroom. Enter HARRY, pulled in by FRED and GEORGE

FRED [spoken]: Harry, you've got to get down to Hogsmeade!

GEORGE: The village is up to here with Hogwarts students.

HARRY: I know! I know! But how do I get out of the castle?

FRED: [sings] They're requiring a note from the lad--
GEORGE: But poor lad, there's no note to be had--
HARRY: And they've now got dementors at the door--
FRED & GEORGE: So he can't get out that way anymore!
FRED: There was a chance he could go without a note--
GEORGE: But Professor McGonagall ain't a good scout--
HARRY: And things being how they are,
A cachet from Severus is OUT!
So it looks like I'm back to square one...
FRED & GEORGE: But hold on Harry, you're not quite done!

FRED taps the Marauder's Map

FRED & GEORGE: Why it's good old reliable Moony,
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs!
If you're looking for mischief,
Well, X marks the spot!
Even when the heat is on
It's never too hot--NOT
For good old reliable Moony--
You will never have to be bored;
It's the Only Established Mischievous Knowing Map from Filch's Drawer!

There are well-trod pathways everywhere,
Everywhere, there are well-trod pathways everywhere...
And a chance to spot a teacher
Or an ill-intentioned creature--there...

HARRY: (If I only had this lovely little map,
I could vanish in thin air!)

FRED & GEORGE: Yes! it's good old reliable Moony,
Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs!
If your candy and joke stash
You want to increase,
They'll arrange that you get there
In quiet and peace--
Through a passage provided by Moony,
Known to only us and these Four!
It's the Only Established, Mischievous, Knowing--shh! *-Map from Filch's Drawer-*

HARRY: Where's the passage?
F&G: Out this room!
HARRY: Gotta leave this room or I'll die from gloom

ALL: It's the Only Established, Mischievous Knowing Map from Filch's Dra-a-a-a-aaaawer!

FRED: [spoken] Bye, Harry!
GEORGE: Yeah, see you in Hogsmeade!

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn

Yes, I know you don't really tap the Marauder's Map three times to make it work. I'm just being a little creative to make it fit the song.

FRED: Harry what you doin' under there?
HARRY: Goin' to Hogsmeade in my invisibility cloak
GEORGE: We can give you something better
FRED: You can stuff it in your sweater
GEORGE::With this little map you can get out and do some marauding

FRED & GEORGE:
All you say is
I do swear that I'm really up to no good
Mischief Managed… when it's time to go
All you do is..
(tap tap tap)
Means you'll see who's in the hallway
Mischief Managed (tap tap)
Means it's not gonna show

FRED: If you come out to Hogsmeade tonight
Wearin' your cloak and you don't want to even get noticed
GEORGE: See where Dumbledore is pacing
FRED: In secret tunnels Filch is racing
Only on this map will you see who's lurking at Hogwarts.

FRED & GEORGE:
All you say is
I do swear that I'm really up to no good
Mischief Managed… when it's time to go
All you do is..
(tap tap tap)
Means you'll see who's in the hallway
Mischief Managed (tap tap)
Means it's not gonna show

HARRY:
Oh I can see somebody pacin'
Like a little rat he's racing
Only how can it be showing a dead Peter Pettigrew?

FRED & GEORGE:
All you say is
I do swear that I'm really up to no good
Mischief Managed… when it's time to go

HARRY:
I see him, I see him, I see him

FRED & GEORGE:
All you do is..
(tap tap tap)
Means you'll see who's in the hallway
Mischief Managed (tap tap)
Means it's not gonna show

A filk by Haggridd to the tune of I Love To Cry At Weddings from the Cy Coleman & Dorothy Fields musical Sweet Charity

SCENE: The Weasley twins are enumerating the wonders of Hogsmeade to Harry, who has been unable to get his permission slip signed.

FRED:
We love to go to Hogsmeade,
We have so much fun at Hogsmeade.
In Honeydukes there's chocoballs
And cockroach clusters in the stalls.
The Shrieking Shack will scare you,
Just go there if you dare to.
In Zonko's Joke Shop you can find
Great dungbombs that will blow your mind.
The kind of "kaboom" tricks
That can blow up the Three Broomsticks;
Pranks quite guaranteed to entertain.
We love to go to Hogsmeade,

Wizard town of Hogsmeade,
Near the school, near the lake, near the train.

GEORGE:
We love to go to Hogsmeade,
We are mesmerized by Hogsmeade.
We heard that you can't make that trip
'Cause you have no permission slip.
No matter, we're elated;
We've this thing Filch confiscated.
So Harry, don't you shed a tear
We brought a bit of festive cheer.
This map's the thing that you
Need; you just tap on the statue.
"Dissendium" you say, and down you climb.
If you want to go to Hogsmeade--
Underground to Hogsmeade--
With this map, it's a snap, every time.

Harry gets introduced to the mysteries of the Marauder's Map, courtesy of Fred & George Weasley, and Messrs. Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs.

THE SCENE: The Village of Hogsmeade, festooned with bright Christmas decorations. Enter CHORUS OF DEMENTORS.

CHORUS
Tonight we stalk Hogsmeade sidewalks
Dressed in ominous style
In the air there's a feeling of horror

Children screaming, people fainting
You won't smile for awhile
We'd make snowmen abominable

Scabiéd hands Scabiéd hands
It's Christmas time for dementors
Make 'em drop as they shop
Sales will be sure to tank

You won't get kissed
If on our list
You're recorded as "nice"
But that Sirius has been rather "naughty"

Hear the crowds gasp
Hear our breath rasp
This is all thanks to Fudge
We will dream of a Christmas that's Black......

Scabiéd hands Scabiéd hands
See us this Christmas in Hogsmeade!
Gloom and pain, joy we drain,
Stay away from mistletoe!

To the tune of Hoagy Carmichael's Billy-A-Dick

THE SCENE: The Three Broomsticks tavern, in the village of Hogsmeade. Seated are CORNELIUS FUDGE, REBEUS HAGRID, MINERVA McGONAGALL & PROF. FLITWICK. Hiding beneath the table is HARRY. MADAM ROSEMERTA is bringing drinks to the table, and has stopped to chit-chat

ROSMERTA (spoken): So what brings you to this neck of the woods, Minister?

FUDGE (music)
Ten times mean as Pat Buchanan
Black escaped from Azkaban, an'
His guards heard him say
That Hogwarts was his goal…

He long ago said he'd be the Secret-Holder
For Lilly and James as they hid from the Volder
But believe or not, with his powers so Dark
Black did both the Potters betray

ALL (except HARRY)
Sirius Sirius Sirius Black
Mysterious blackguard will attack
If imperious Dementors can't prevent him
From trying to come back

FUDGE
Black had wanted to flee, but poor Peter the P.
Tried doing what he thought he must
In the midst of a road, Black made him explode
All that was left of him was dust.........

ALL
..........................................Peter Dust!

ALL (except HARRY)
Sirius Sirius Sirius Black
Serious maniac who'll attack
If mysterious Dementors lose his scent or
If he shakes 'em off his track

HAGRID AND FLITWICK
He will kill kill kill with his Dark Arts

McGONAGALL & ROSMERTA
As he broke Ma Pettigrew's heart

ALL (except HARRY)
Black's made his plans to Harry carry
'Cross the brink of death to bring Voldemort back!

HARRY (aside)
Sirius Sirius Sirius Black
Delirious thoughts my brain attack
His big breakthrough for You-Know-Who
Was to get my parents whacked!

I feel rage rage rage when they mention him
I ache ache ache to be avengin' 'em.
Black, make sure a lifeguard you're namin'
'Cause I'm aimin' to thrust a knife in your back!

ALL
Sirius Sirius Sirius Black
Sirius Sirius Sirius Black
Sirius Sirius Sirius Black
We're going to get him
That's a fact
Jack!

BLACK-out

A filk by Pixieberry to the tune of Get Back by The Beatles

After meeting at The Three Broomsticks, Hermione and Ron quickly shove Harry under their table as MCGONAGALL, Flitwick, Hagrid, and FUDGE seat themselves close by and begin to speak.

MCGONAGALL:
Sirius was a wizard, not much of a loner.
Severus got him irate.
His best friends were Peter, James, and Remus Lupin
None of whom could guess his fate.
Now Black is back.
Yes, Black escaped from Azkaban.
Now Black is back
Broke out and now he's on the run.
He's back, Hagrid. No doubt
That Black is Back.
Yes, Black escaped from Azkaban.
That Black is back.
Broke out and now he's on the run.
He's back now.

FUDGE:
Sweet young Lily Evans, such a lovely woman.
James Potter, he was her man.
Sirius betrayed them with contempt that's numbing,
Voldy then pursued his plan.
Now Black is back.
That Black escaped from Azkaban.
Now Black is back
Broke out and now he's on the run.
He's back, Minerva. No doubt
That Black is back.
Yes, Black escaped from Azkaban.
Now Black is back
Broke out and now he's on the run.
He's back, Rosmerta.
And Potter hasn't a clue
Sirius turned on James
And he betrayed Lily.

ROSMERTA:
Such a playful youngster

MCGONAGALL:
Now Black is back
Yes, Black escaped from Azkaban.

A filk by Gail Bohacek to the tune of I Need You by the Beatles

McGONAGALL:
Potter and Black's friend when he was at school
Hero-worshiped them, though they'd ridicule
As far as talent-wise, he didn't match their size
Pettigrew

FUDGE:
He found Sirius and tried to corner
Didn't have a chance, he was a goner
Peter wasn't as fast: he was caught in the blast
He was through

McGONAGALL:
That boy was a fool
Should have left Black to the Ministry
He could never duel
I'm feeling so bad, for treating Peter so sharply

FUDGE:
In a Muggle street, said an eye-witness
They had heard poor Pete sobbing in distress
He loudly called the names of Lily and of James
"How could you?"

That's when Black did it
Peter didn't even have a prayer
I'll never forget
The scene on that day: screaming and bodies everywhere

Once the curse was cast by Black the traitor
What was left behind inside the crater?
His blood-stained garment and
A fragment from his hand
Pettigrew
Pettigrew
Pettigrew

To the tune of The Coasters' Yakety Yak

THE SCENE: Before Hogwarts' Castle. With Sirius Black on the loose, security measures are being increasingly tightened.

DUMBLEDORE
We must now tell you with regret
Hogwarts is facing a grave threat
The man who's known as Voldy's heir
Is bringing us his new nightmare

CHORUS OF STUDENTS
Who's been back? Sirius Black!

FUDGE
If you're in Hogsmeade for some fun
Or just to get some shopping done
Please do not stay out after eight
'Cause dementors will get irate

CHORUS
Who'll attack? Sirius Black!

McGONAGALL
Until this danger gets downsized
Get all your passwords memorized
Then gather up your sleeping bags
And ignore Percy while he brags

CHORUS
On our track? Sirius Black!

HERMIONE
That fugitive is unabashed
That he the poor Fat Lady slashed
Her frame's now filled by Cadogan
Who keeps on going mad again

CADOGAN
Wanna crack at Sirius Black!

HARRY
As Ron was slumbering in bed
We heard such screams that'd wake the dead
He claimed that Black was in our midst
Then Neville 'fessed he'd lost his list

CHORUS
Was Neville slack? Sirius Black!

SNAPE
We signed up trolls to maintain guard
I've searched through ev'ry inch and yard
And Filch has plastered ev'ry hole
If Black gets in, it's with a mole
Wolfman Jack & Sirius Black

ALL & CHORUS
Sirius Black! Sirius Black!
Get ready for his next attack!
Sirius Black! Sirius Black!
We're gonna stop that maniac!

A filk by Charlene to the tune of I Need A Girl (Part One) by P.Diddy (feat. Usher & Loon)

SCENE: HARRY and RON are polishing up HARRY'S new Firebolt, when Hermione comes in with MCGonagall, who takes it away. Hermione runs upstairs crying and HARRY and RON jump on top of a table and begin their mourning over the loss.

HARRY
Yeah, Yeah
I need a, I want a

RON
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
I need a broom that's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life

HARRY
Yo, I'm internationally known in the wizard world,
I got it all, but I really need a broom, this girl
Ratted to McGonagall, wouldn't let me keep the Bolt
My life is plagued, got a lotta gold.
But, brooms really cost much, just to have good touch
Had a Nimbus, that had me, got smashed by a big tree,
I need a broom that could hold me, a career it could mold me
Go to matches to thrill me, trip to the Alley, 'cause
Most of these brooms be too much for me
I don't know if they really fly well like their guarantee.
Got the money, but I don't think I'll be usin' it.
Cause if I do the Slytherins be abusin' it.
That's why I need me a broom that be true to me
Know bout the game, and fly to reach the Snitch for me
Without a broom on my side, Slyths be ruinin' me
Forget the Slyths, it's just my broom and me

HARRY & RON
Now let's ride.....

RON
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride,
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
I need a broom that's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life.
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life,
No, nothing else. My broom's all mine
I need a broom in my life.

HARRY sees McGonagall in the corridor and begins to rap for her about his Firebolt, and the Quidditch team bustles over, bobbing their heads.

HARRY
Yo, now I've had only one broom in my lifetime
But see it's not a lot of brooms that are in my mind.
I done had a pretty broom with all the right features
Was a shiny broom that only rocked Seekers.
Shooting Stars and School brooms really dunno how to treat ya
You break a broom, your peeps will up and leave ya.
I find a broom, I'ma keep it
Cuz now I'm gettin better and the game gettin deeper
I want some real shiz, I need something I can thrill with.
I need something that I can fly with
I need something I can hold tight
With the speed and no full limits, no right.
Anytime I would fly it I would feel so right,
A broom that I been lookin for my whole life.
God bless me, I'm glad I got the insight
It's cuz of my broom, now I understand life

RON
I need a broom...
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
I need a broom who's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to be my wife
Nobody else cuz she's all mine
I need a girl in my life

HARRY sees Hermione in the library and starts rapping for her and everyone else in the library, who are bobbing their heads, as usual.

HARRY
Hermione would probably die for me
Ratted on my Bolt, so I made her cry for me,
Every night she had tears in her eyes for me,
I got upset a couple times, and she was mad at me.
First we were friends, she was like my mother.
You was more than any girl, we was like brothers
All night we would study till our eyes shut, but
You told McGonagall, and she broke my love for ya.
But every time I think about my Firebolt
And how we woulda flown till weather grew cold
Damn I wish you would've let it go,
But that was something that you didn't know
My life is cold
All dem days that I reminisce
About the way I woulda flown in eternal bliss.
But since you ain't happy, I'ma tell you this
I'm sorry girl and you're the one that I will always miss
I miss you, yeah

RON
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
I need a broom that's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life
No, nothing else cuz it's all mine
I need a broom in my life
I need a broom to ride, ride, ride
I need a broom for my Quidditch life,
I need a broom that's mine oh mine
I need a broom in my life

A filk by Ginger based on His Cheeseburger from Veggie Tales.

The scene: Christmas day in Gryffindor.

RON:
He said to her "I got a new broomstick.
It was in with my presents at Yule.
It's better than my Nimbus 2000,
It's the top of the line, and it's cool."

He said "I don't know where it came from.
A note or a card it did lack."
She said "I must go run and tell Minnie!
It just could be from Sirius Black!"

But you're his Firebolt.
His birch-twig Firebolt.
He'll wait for you, yeah,
He'll wait for you. Oh,
You are his Firebolt.
Ash-handled Firebolt.
He'll wait for you,
Oh, he will wait for you.

So Oliver Wood went to ask her.
He just got a shirty reply.
Cuz he said the Snitch was more important
Than if Harry safely could fly.

He sat there through Transfiguration
Each day, and then he'd ask her again.
Potter, now please don't get angry.
You'll see your broom when she says when!

Cuz you're his Firebolt,
His speedy Firebolt.
Be back for you -He'll
Be back for you, oh,
You are his Firebolt,
His racing Firebolt.
Be back for you,
Oh, He'll be back for you.

Key and tempo change

Cuz he loves his new broomstick with all his heart.
Hooch and Flitwick just can't keep those two apart.
And if the world suddenly ran out of twigs,
He'd run to Arabella Figg's.
And he would strip her cleaning implement down 'til it was bare.
And he would bind them up for you,
Bind them up for you,
Bind those dirty twigs up just for you!

You are his Firebolt.

A filk by Catherine McK based upon Ill Wind by Flanders and Swann, which is itself set to Mozart's Horn Concerto No. 4 in E-Flat, K.495, movement III, Rondo: Vivace (otherwise known as The French Horn Song).

HARRY:
I unwrapped my Firebolt and wanted to fly it
For Gryffindor to win the match, but alack!
They took it away e'en before I could try it
They said it was sent me by Sirius Black!

I need that broom; the other was whomped by a willow tree.
I need that broom, doesn't matter who sent it to me

I only desire
To fly on that Fire-
Bolt; it is the best broom I have known.

Oh, the hours that I could spend
Flying that broomstick from here to Land's End.

But that was this morning and this evening McGonagall came to our room,
Demanded the broom, said someone could have j