A Very Harry Christmas

Deck the Prongs with Boughs of Holly

A collection of HPF's Christmas Carols and Christmas-related songs, suitable for carolling by both amphibian and non-amphibian-bearing choirs

Image © 2003 Red Scharlach

Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone

Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets

Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban

Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix

Harry Potter and The Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

Hogwarts Faculty and Staff

Hogwarts Students and Their Families

Lord Voldemort and the Death Eaters

Other Magical People and Places

Copyright 2001-2007 by Caius Marcius unless otherwise noted. All songs copyright by their respective authors, 2001-2008

A filk by Pip & Melody to the tune of Silent Night

The four following filks were originally part of a TBAY Christmas post.

Silent night; Halloween night
All was calm; all was bright
Round yon corner Dark Lord peeped
In the door 'cause Peter did sneak
Of the house where the Potters hide,
So Alohomora he cried.

Silent night; Halloween night
Dark Lord framed 'gainst the light
James yelled, "Take Harry and run"
"I'll hold him off, just save our son"
A duel ensued and James fell dead
Voldemort turned to Harry's small bed.

Silent night; Halloween night
Harry's crib, Voldy's next sight
Lily stood protesting his path.
Threw herself 'tween her child and his wrath
A love charm she left on Harry
A pure gift he'll always carry.

Silent night; Halloween night
Voldy laughed at Lily's plight.
Harry alone before him now
A wand was aimed at his head and brow.
The curse words bounce and Voldy was torn
And the boy who lived was born.

The Holly and the (PS/SS, Chap. 1)

A filk by Pip to the tune of the carol The Holly and the Ivy.

The Holly and the Yew Tree,
When they are both full grown,
Of all the trees that are in the wood,
The Holly bears the crown.

REFRAIN:
O, the rising of the sun,
And the coming of the Stag,
The playing of such merry Quidditch,
Sweet singing in the feasts.

The Holly bears a blossom,
As white as lily flow'r,
And Lily bore our Harry lad,
To somehow save us all.

Refrain.

The Holly bears a berry,
As red as any blood,
And Lily died for Harry lad,
Whose blood contains her good.

Refrain.

The Holly bears a prickle,
As sharp as any thorn,
And Lily knew that Harry lad,
Faced many painful morns.

Refrain.

The Holly bears a bark,
As bitter as the gall,
And Lily lost sweet Harry lad,
His life was more to her.

Refrain.

The Holly and the Yew Tree,
When they are both full grown,
Of all the trees that are in the wood,
The Holly bears the crown.

Refrain.

When the Wizards Stayed (PS/SS, Chap. 1)

A filk by Pip to the tune of While Shephards Watched

When wizards stayed indoors at night
All quaking in their boots
A flock of owls came flying round
One gave three mighty hoots.

"Fear not" said he (for they were scared
The times were troubled, mind).
Glad tidings of great joy I bring
To you and Mugglekind.

In Godric's Hollow this last night,
A child of Potter line,
Made Voldemort cash in his chips.
A scar shall be his sign.

The amazing babe you will not find,
Hagrid took him away;
The Dursley's now will have a shock,
He's on their doorstep laid."

Thus spake the owl and straight forthwith
Appeared a mighty throng
Of wizards shooting fireworks off
And singing happy songs.

"All glory to the Potter child
As wizards will have peace.
For Voldemort has cashed his chips.
Our joy will never cease."

What Child is This? (PS/SS, Chap. 1)

A filk by Melody to the tune of the carol of the same name.

What child is this who's laid to rest
On Dursley's doorstep sleeping?
Whom Petunia greets with fear and shrieks
While Vernon sits a-weeping.

REFRAIN:
This, this is Potter's child,
Whom witches guard and wizards smile:
Haste, haste to bring him safe
The boy the son of Lily.

Why lies he in such mean estate
Where Dursley barely feed him?
Good Harry must endure this fate
For all is veiled and dim.

Refrain

So bring him letters, hope, and joy
Come Hagrid to claim him.
The boy who lived now found his place
Let wands and brooms enthrone him.

Refrain

A filk by Lilac to the tune of I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day

THE SCENE: McGONAGALL and DUMBLEDORE are conversing outside Number Four, Privet Drive, waiting for Hagrid to bring the newly orphaned Harry.

McGONAGALL:
I heard the news on Halloween,
A Godric's Hollow murder scene.
James, Lily died; the babe survived
Whom they now call The Boy Who Lived.

The wizards show such carelessness --
Dedalus Diggle has no sense!
He shooting sent the stars in Kent
To celebrate The Boy Who Lived

It would not do to out us now
That You-Know-Who has lost his pow'rs.
Some Muggles keen just might have seen
Those owl posts 'bout The Boy Who Lived.

Please tell me, Albus Dumbledore
Is You-Know...all right, Voldemort...
He's truly gone from Wizardom?
He could not kill The Boy Who Lived?

DUMBLEDORE:
Yes, it is true, both good and bad
He could not kill that little lad
The wrong has failed, the good prevailed
We owe all to The Boy Who Lived.

DUMBLEDORE thinks these next thoughts to himself

Yet Voldemort's sealed his own fate
He is not dead; he hides in wait.
You'll have this scar forever more;
He's marked you now, dear Boy Who Lived.

A filk by Jill to the tune of Away in a Manger

THE TRIO:
An egg from a stranger, won in the Hog's Head,
He gave it to Hagrid, who knows what he said?
A quick game of cards and he had to pay,
And our drunk friend Hagrid was an easy prey.

We sat at the table and watched the egg break,
And out came a dragon, and sparks he did make;
Our Hagrid did sing him a strange lullaby,
And he named him Norbert though we don't know why.

See reason, dear Hagrid, you know he can't stay,
We need to remove him, without a delay;
Let's write to Romania, then we'll prepare,
To send him to Charlie to live with him there.

A filk by Gail to the tune of We Three Kings

TRIO:
We three kids are trying to brew
Polyjuice in an empty loo
Nick and Creevey and Finch-Fletchley
Petrified, but by who?

Refrain:
O Heir of Slyth'rin's lair's unsealed
Where it is, that fact's concealed
Monster lurking, Draco smirking
This secret must be revealed

HARRY:
In the library we should find
A book there, but we're in a bind
Need permission for that section
Lockhart, I'm sure, won't mind

Refrain

HERMIONE:
Boomslang skin from Snape's private store
We must cause some kind of uproar
An explosion in a potion
Then I'll sneak through the door

Refrain

RON:
Crabbe and Goyle, a bit of them we'd
Have to find ere we can proceed
We will get these with drugged pastries
No toenails, we've agreed

Refrain

TRIO:
Potion's done, now we must comsume
To enter Slyth'rin's Common Room
How revolting, how we're molting
New bodies we've assumed

Refrain

To the tune of Jingle Bell Rock

THE SCENE: Hogwarts' plumbing. THE BASILISK takes a page from Mary Poppins' robin (“He knows a song/Will move the job along”), and sings a merry tune to itself as it goes about its sinister doings…..

BASILISK:
Change 'em all, change 'em all, change 'em to rock
How they will shine when adamantine
Smelling and yelling for rivers of blood
For the Chamber op'd with a thud!

Give em a, give 'em a, give 'em a shock
Basilisk eyes will cats paralyze
Scaring and tearing in the Entrance Hall
Making flesh to crawl.

What a dark time, it's a stark crime
To knock off Headless Nick
Turned into smoke, he will soon croak
As will Justin and that Granger chick
Giddy-up basilisk, death we will eat
Riddle will not be mocked
Hiss and a-slither to a Slytherin beat

As I change 'em to
As I change 'em to
As I change 'em to rock!

THE SCENE: The Village of Hogsmeade, festooned with bright Christmas decorations. Enter CHORUS OF DEMENTORS.

CHORUS
Tonight we stalk Hogsmeade sidewalks
Dressed in ominous style
In the air there's a feeling of horror

Children screaming, people fainting
You won't smile for awhile
We'd make snowmen abominable

Scabiéd hands Scabiéd hands
It's Christmas time for dementors
Make 'em drop as they shop
Sales will be sure to tank

You won't get kissed
If on our list
You're recorded as "nice"
But that Sirius has been rather "naughty"

Hear the crowds gasp
Hear our breath rasp
This is all thanks to Fudge
We will dream of a Christmas that's Black......

Scabiéd hands Scabiéd hands
See us this Christmas in Hogsmeade!
Gloom and pain, joy we drain,
Stay away from mistletoe!

A Christmas filk by Gail to the tune of Good King Wenceslas

Good Headmaster Dumbledore
In the Great Hall was found
Christmas time had come once more
Professors gathered 'round
McGonagall, Snape and Sprout
Filch and Flitwick were there
Even Trelawney came out
And sat down in a chair

Harry and his friends had come
WIth two first-years, nervous
And a Slyth'rin who looked glum
All else left the campus
Since there were so few people
D'dore said, "It's better
For us to use one table
So let's sit together!"

Dumbledore offered to Snape
With much joyful laughter
Wrapped up in some silver tape
The end of a cracker
Reluctantly Snape tugged at
It and with a loud pop
Revealed a large pointed hat
With a stuffed vulture on top

Remembering the Boggart
Harry at Ron did grin
As if he had something tart,
Snape's mouth quickly grew thin
Good Headmaster Dumbledore
Took from the Professor
And upon his head he wore
The hat to Snape's displeasure

To the tune of Let it Snow

THE SCENE: The History of Magic classroom. LUPIN commences anti-dementor lessons with HARRY

LUPIN
If dementors become a nuisance
There's a spell you need but do once
Toward the exit ramps they will flow
Expecto Expecto Expecto

It may be hard at first to crack this
So with boggarts we will practice
Pick the happiest thought you know
Expecto Expecto Expecto

HARRY
When I first soared into the sky
That felt great, but I'm still blacking out
But telling Privet Drive "goodbye,"
Was elation beyond all doubt.

Harry is able to produce a cloudy Patronus to confront the Boggart. Lupin banishes the Boggart back into the packing case.

LUPIN
Your Patronus will prove unique 'n'
It will silence your mum's shriekin'.
If attacked by your cloakèd foes

BOTH
They'll eat crow, they'll eat crow, they'll eat crow

A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of Merry Xmas (Let the War be Over)

Oh, splintered Nimbus.
Rotten luck comes.
A horrible murder.
His broom was really Whomped.

You know, splintered Nimbus,
He rode you, old chum.
His rear end since Year One,
Was swollen and numb!

It's buried, Harry's Nimbus.
Now rides crappy school gear.
It's hopeless and shoddy.
Those Shooting Stars veer.

(Twooo thooousand and ooone.)

Oh, twisted Nimbus.
You streaked right along.
The Snitch couldn't dodge past. The girls watched in throngs.

And so, tattered Nimbus.
You're cracked from your blight.
That Willow was callous,
And struck down your flight.

I'm bleary, Harry's Nimbus.
We all shed a few tears.
We'll roast you as kindling.
And toast you, my dear.

Oh, splintered Nimbus.
You got really dumped.
A terrible murder.
His broom was really Whomped.

Old battered Nimbus,
He rode you, old chum.
His rear end since Year One,
Was swollen and numb!

I'm sorry, Harry's Nimbus.
We all shed a few tears.
Emotions are solemn.
Devoutly stand near.

Get the pall to cover,
Get the pall to cover,
Harry's Nimbus.

A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

We're starting to slow, the train makes a stop.
The lighting dims low, the window frosts up.
Dementors make Potter fall down.

Whilst up in the air, to search for the Snitch,
Some others appear. Oh, son of a witch!
Dementors make Potter fall down.

He hears his mother screaming.
Even Boggarts make him shake.
They can't tell between what's good and bad,
So attack him by the lake.

But Harry has got, some strength in his lungs.
Patronus gets shot and lowers his prongs.
Dementors get hammered around!

A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of Jingle Bells

Twinkle, spells! Twinkle, spells!
Keep those ghouls at bay.
O Expect-to-Patronise,
Those Demented dopes today. Hey!

Twinkle, spells! Twinkle, spells!
Prongs will make them quake.
Even though they're cold as ice,
It won't be us who will shake.

Magic ghouls, they flow.
Hunting Sirius as their prey.
Opaque shield shall go,
Dash them all away! Ha ha ha!

Hellions soul-sucking,
Making Sirius white.
Now Potter sends his stag prancing.
His buck bucks them. Hooray!

O, Twinkle, spells! Twinkle, spells!
Make those suckers pay.
Soon they'll run and soon they'll hide,
Simply because hope prevails!
Yay!

A filk by Jill to the tune of Carol of the Bells. (Warning: There is no intro in the midi--the lyrics start right away and it moves fast.

The scene: Harry stands along the bank watching as the dementors close in on himself, Sirius, and Hermione. Thoughts are swirling fast and furious in his head...

HARRY:
I don't feel well
Need a good spell
I want to say,
"Please go away."

Dementors here
Stealing my cheer
I'm very cold
Watch it unfold

Be strong, need Prongs
He won't be long
Repel that thing
While galloping

I feel the fear
They're getting near
From ev'rywhere
I won't despair

There on the ground,
Danger surrounds,
They can't prevail,
Dementors sail,

I am not waiting
He is not coming
Where is that deer?
He is not here

Need a very, very good Patronus
Need a very, very good Patronus

I comprehend
I must defend
I should have known
I'm all alone

Repeat from the beginning

Be strong, need Prongs.

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of A New Deal For Christmas from the musical Annie

The word is out that LUPIN is a werewolf, and that he is leaving the school. All of the GRYFFINDORS are thoroughly miserable that he will be leaving. So, even though this is meant to be a happy song, there is a new twist to it, so when everyone sings 'a new defense teacher' they are all very sad.

HARRY:
Lupin's the best teacher of Dark Arts

HERMIONE:
From all that he taught
We learned a lot

RON:
And he really has a lot of smarts

HERMIONE:
He really taught well The guy is so swell

HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE:
But I've heard a terrible rumor
He's gonna leave here
And we'll have a new Defense Teacher next year

HARRY goes to visit LUPIN'S office

LUPIN:
Well Harry, I'm leaving, that is true

HARRY:
But you cannot go
You're the best we know

LUPIN:
Yes, but you understand, don't you?
That during last night
Could have gave a bite
The parents will not want me teaching
I'll ease them their fear
And you'll have a new Defense Teacher next year

The GRYFINDORS sit in the Great Hall, all looking very depressed

GRYFFINDORS:
No no no no no no no no!

DEAN: (spoken glumly)
Maybe we'll get a vampire

SEAMUS: (spoken glumly)
Or maybe a ghoul

NEVILLE: (spoken glumly)
Or maybe a hag

GRYFFINDORS:
We wish Lupin was staying!

DEAN: (spoken glumly)
Or maybe a banshee

GRYFFINDOR BOYS:
What will we get next year

GRYFFINDOR GIRLS:
Maybe a
Lycanthrope

GRYFFINDOR BOYS:
Just like
Prof. Lupin is

GRYFFINDOR GIRLS:
But even
If it was

GRYFFINDORS:
It would not be the same

He was the best teacher ever
And though he dressed shab
He really was fab
We wish that he had stayed forever
'Cause he was the best
He beat out the rest
Not only has Professor Lupin left
But so has our cheer

GRYFFINDOR BOYS:
We're getting a New Defense Teacher

GRYFFINDOR GIRLS:
Getting a New Defense Teacher

GRYFFINDOR BOYS:
Getting a New Defense Teacher

GRYFFINDOR GIRLS:
Getting a New Defense Teacher

GRYFFINDOR BOYS:
Getting a New Defense Teacher

GRYFFINDOR GIRLS:
Getting a New Defense Teacher

GRYFFINDOR BOYS:
Getting A New Defense Teacher

GRYFFINDOR GIRLS:
Getting a New Defense

GRYFFINDORS:
Teacher
Next year

All GRYFFINDORS sigh miserably

A filk by Jill to the tune of All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth by Don Gardner

At the beginning of the Christmas holiday, Ron is perplexed by a difference in Hermione's smile. She explains...

HERMIONE:
It took awhile to see the change in me
These teeth are not what they used to be
My parents were always my dental advisors
They just don't think cosmetic magic should mix with incisors!

I let Madam Pomfrey
Fix my two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
Shrink my two front teeth!

My parents wouldn't let me
Shrink my two front teeth,
Now I can blame it
On Slytherins.

She sat me down and then she said,
"Let me know when they are back to normal!"
Gosh oh gee, how pretty I'll be,
At that Yule Ball formal!

I let Madam Pomfrey
Fix my two front teeth,
My two front teeth,
Shrink my two front teeth.

My parents wouldn't let me
Shrink my two front teeth,
Now I can blame it
On Slytherins.

A filk by Jill to the tune of Oh Christmas Tree

The scene: Ron sits at the Yule Ball, glaring at Hermione and Krum as they dance.

RON:
Hermione, Hermione,
How could you go with Vicky?
Hermione, Hermione,
How could you go with Vicky?

I didn't think to ask you first,
You're here with Krum--he should be cursed.

Hermione, Hermione,
How could you go with Vicky?

Hermione, Hermione,
You should have waited for me!
Hermione, Hermione,
You should have waited for me!

I found a date and she is hot,
I should be thrilled but you she's not.

Hermione, Hermione,
You should have waited for me!

Hermione, Hermione,
This ball is so enlightening!
Hermione, Hermione,
This ball is so enlightening!

I watch you dance and as you twirl,
I realize you are a girl.

Hermione, Hermione,
This ball is so enlightening!

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of The Christmas Song by Torme and Wells

Dark Marks glowing on our exposed arms
Someone misplaced Master's nose
Hanging out by an old Muggle grave
And folks dressed up in masks and robes

Everybody knows some flesh and blood and stolen bone
Will help make Master feel alright
Harry Potter with his scar all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

Harry knows that Voldy's on his way
He's goaded lots of former
Servants to obey
And Barty Crouch's son is gonna spy
As Mister Moody with the magical eye.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To wizards not watching for You Know Who
Although its been said
Many times, many ways
Voldemort's after you!

A filk by Eric Oppen to the tune of O Holy Night

Graveyard at night
The stars are brightly gleaming
This is the night of the Dark Lord's rebirth.
Bone, blood and flesh,
And Wormtail loudly screaming,
He rises up, our Dark Lord walks the earth!
Oh, Death Eaters,
Who came not at his need,
The things he'll do
Will make you squirm and plead!
Fall on your knees
And pray he feels forgiving!
The Dark Lord, Voldemort
He walks the earth, once more reborn!
The Dark Lord, Voldemort
He walks the earth,
Once more reborn!

The Dark Lord's foe
Tied to Tom Riddle's tombstone
Will be set free, for his last fatal duel.
Wand in his hand,
To use the spells to him known
He will soon meet a fate that is cruel.
Oh, what is this,
The wands they wield are brothers,
No one knew this
See Harry's dad and mother!
Fall on your knees
And pray that you'll escape this!
The Dark Lord, Voldemort
He tastes defeat, yet one more time!
The Dark Lord, Voldemort,
He tastes defeat
At Potter's hands!

A filk by Potioncat to the tune of Winter Wonderland

KARKAROFF (to Snape)
See my arm, how it's burning.
See the mark, how it's turning.
A terrible sight, it gives me a fright!
Voldie's growing stronger every day!

The Dark Lord is so chilling
And he dreams about killing,
I don't dare stay here.
The signs are so clear.
Voldie's growing stronger every day.

DUMBLEDORE (to himself):
In the Pensieve I can see the bad news.
All around us folks are acting odd.
Tom is up to something. Yes I know it.
I think he has a plan to get a bod.

HARRY: (in the hospital wing)
Wormtail brewed. Voldie stood up
Then I thought I would throw up.
Our wands burned so bright, I saw a strange sight
Voldie's getting stronger every day.

DUMBLEDORE:
In the Pensieve I can see the bad news.
It is time to gather all around.
Lupin you can go and get the old crowd,
Tell them Voldemort has come to town.

Severus Snape are you ready?
Are your nerves cold and steady?
To face unafraid, the plans that we've made?
Voldie's growing stronger every day?

ALL:
We'll face unafraid, the plans that we've made.
Voldie's growing stronger every day.

A filk by Carol to the tune of The Holly and the Ivy

THE SCENE: Dumbledore after hearing Harry's story about the duel in the graveyard

DUMBLEDORE:
The holly and the yew wood
With Phoenix feather core
Of all the wands that they could have picked
From Ollivander's store.
O Priori Incantatem
And the conflict of the wands
The echoes coming into view
And the sound of Phoenix song.

The yew means transformation
It is a long-lived tree.
For Voldemort wants eternal life
And immortality.
O Priori Incantatem
And the conflict of the wands
The echoes coming into view
And the sound of Phoenix song.

The holly wood means rebirth
And its berry red means blood.
Will Harry sacrifice his life
For the Wizarding World's good?
O Priori Incantatem
And the conflict of the wands
The echoes coming into view
And the sound of Phoenix song.

The holly and the yew tree
When they are both full grown
Of all the trees that are in the wood
The holly bears the crown.
O Priori Incantatem
And the conflict of the wands
The echoes coming into view
And the sound of Phoenix song.

To the tune of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

THE SCENE: Pomfrey's infirmary. As Harry convalesces, McGONAGALL enters abruptly....

“What has happened?" said Dumbledore sharply, looking from Fudge to Professor McGonagall. "Why are you disturbing these people? Minerva, I'm surprised at you - I asked you to stand guard over Barty Crouch -"

"There is no need to stand guard over him anymore, Dumbledore!" she shrieked. "The Minister has seen to that!"

McGONAGALL:
I saw 'mentors kissing Barty Crouch!
Underhanded tactics used tonight
As Snape & I stood watch
So who drops in but Fudge.
He then had Bart's soul sucked up
By dementors in a flash!

DUMBLEDORE (to Fudge):
You had 'mentors kissing Barty Crouch
Trying him in court we must preclude
Voldemort is on the loose
But Corny, you're so obtuse,
Thanks to you, we'll not be kissed, we're screwed!

To the tune of Go Tell It On the Mountain

THE SCENE: The Atrium of the Ministry of Magic. HARRY, rejoicing in his exoneration, repays a promised debt.

HARRY:
Go spill it in the fountain,
Empty the bag of every coin
Go spill it in the fountain,
I will not be expelled.

When I came to this hearing
I thought all hope was lost
I cried, "O Brethren, spare me!"
I don't care what it costs.

Go spill it in the fountain,
Ev'ry Knut & Galleon
Tho' the tension was mountin'
I will not be expelled.

The statues look quite foolish
Non-humans cringe and bow -
No time to be a critic!
To them I made my vow

Go spill it in the fountain,
Ev'ry Knut & Galleon
Don't even bother countin'
I shall not be expelled.

It says that to St. Mungo's
All proceeds will be sent.
For charity this quarter
I will not be outspent

Go spill it in the fountain,
I'll go back to Hogwarts School
Go spill it in the fountain,
I will not be expelled.

To the tune of O Little Town of Bethlehem

THE SCENE: 12 Grimmauld Place. HARRY is less than receptive to MOODY'S display of an old photograph of the original Order of the Phoenix

MOODY:
O, Riddle's whims bought death to them
Who fought him in the war
You see them pose in my photos,
The OOP before.
Here is Caradoc Dearborn
Who somehow disappeared.
Poor Edgar Bones got laid out prone
And Elphie's hat looks weird

Voldy himself slew Meadowes,
McKinnon felt his spleen
Benjy Fenwick, poor chap, then quick
Got blown to smithereens.
O mourned we hard together
With tears and deep unease
When Gideon and Fabian
Were slain by five DEs

HARRY notices Peter Pettigrew standing alongside his parents

HARRY
How secretly, how secretly
Did Pete his plans keep hidden
That dirty rat sold Mum and Dad
To do the Dark Lord's biddin'
No one knew what was coming,
Especially not Black
In his crew cut no scuttlebutt
Warned him of Pete's attack.

O, Voldy's whims bought death to them
In Moody's photograph
I at this date can't calculate
Who'll have the final laugh.
Moody was downright eager
To give this show-and-tell
His Polaroid makes me annoyed
It's unforgivable!

To the tune of It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

THE SCENE: The Quidditch Field. High Inquisitor UMBRIDGE decides upon an appropriate penalty for HARRY and the WEASLEY TWINS for brawling with Draco after the game

UMBRIDGE:
You're beginning to lack a lot of Quidditch, for I am so strict
When inquisitors you displease, my twenty-fifth decree
Proclaims I can a lifelong ban inflict

You're beginning to lack a lot of Quidditch, Harry, George and Fred
I'll enjoy in my office room the presence of your three brooms I've confiscated

HARRY, GEORGE & FRED
We three were very annoyed by a crack of Malfoy,
We attacked that miserable git.
Hooch interposed
and she so saved his nose and the skull we all longed to split.
Dolores then declared we from the GQT must split

CHORUS OF SLYTHERINS
You're beginning to lack a lot of Quidditch, this should give you pause.
The twin Beaters who love to beat are compelled to retreat
The Seeker must seek elsewhere for applause

You're beginning to lack a lot of Quidditch, time for you to quit
And the thing that we Slyths all sing, of how Weasley is our King,
Proves a smashing hit!

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Step Into Christmas by Elton John

The Scene: Christmas at 12 Grimmauld Place during OotP. Sirius had another little song he liked to sing during Christmas, using his infamous name pun that greatly annoyed Remus.

SIRIUS:
Welcome back to Grimmauld Place
I know it really sucks a lot
But a'since we're celebrating here
I might as well fill it with cheer

I know that things are a lot like that word
That word that starts with 's'
But when I make this Christmas best
Oh!...
You'll use that word a new way

Sirius Christmas
Don't want to miss this
We can stay together forever and ever
No time to be tragic, everything's magic
Sirius Christmas
There's none like this

REMUS:
Oh no, you're using the name pun
See I told you it's not funny
SIRIUS:
We'll you've just no humor at all, It
Always made James laugh at fall

Harry begins laughing at the two of them

HARRY:
How could I think that running to
Privet Drive was right to do?
RON:
I'm glad you've come to your senses
HERMIONE:
Yep, and Happy Christmas to you

SIRIUS:
(spoken) Not just a happy one!
(sings)
Sirius Christmas
Don't want to miss this
We can talk together forever and ever
No time to be tragic, everything's magic
Sirius Christmas
There's not one like this
Oh!...

The music break comes on, and the following dialogue goes on over it

REMUS: (spoken)
Are you saying there's never been a Christmas where you use the name pun? Because that would be a lie. You've used it before during Christmas, and you've used it other times more often than necessary.

SIRIUS: (spoken)
No, I mean a Christmas like this! With Harry, Ron, Hermione, you, me, and everyone! But yeah...the name pun's good as well.

REMUS: (spoken)
Heh, I see what you mean. But no, the name pun's not funny and it never will be. If you keep using it, then I won't sing later.

SIRIUS: (spoken)
Oh, you know you'll sing anyway. Especially if you get drunk.

REMUS: (spoken)
What?!

SIRIUS: (spoken)
Uh...never mind.

HERMIONE: (spoken)
Hey Sirius, where's Kreacher?

SIRIUS: (spoken)
Dunno...haven't seen him since I told him to get out...

HARRY: (spoken)
You don't think he's left the house, do you?

SIRIUS: (spoken)
Nah, he's not allowed...maybe he went and broke his leg in the attic. Hah! Then it'd be a real 'Sirius' Christmas for him. Get it?

REMUS: (spoken after he sighs and shakes his head)
Oh God...

SIRIUS
See how nice the house looks now
It's really hard to recognize
'Cause I a'cleaned and now the house just gleams
Now it's no place that I despise

This is done for you by yours truly
You all mean loads to me
That elf didn't help, eh, oh well
Oh!... We'll have such fun I can tell

SIRIUS, REMUS, HARRY, RON and HERMIONE:
Sirius Christmas
Don't want to miss this
We can sing together forever and ever
No time to be tragic, everything's magic
Sirius Christmas
There's not one like this

SIRIUS:
Sirius Christmas
Rest ye Hippogriffs
Hogwarts Wonderland, Silver Moons, and Mischief Night
Carol of the Spells, Broom Ride, Joy to Owls
And don't you forget
Snape the Big Nosed Git

SIRIUS, REMUS, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, GINNY, FRED, GEORGE, TONKS and MOODY
Sirius Christmas
Don't want to miss this
We can sing together forever and ever
No time to be tragic, everything's magic
Sirius Christmas
There's not one like this
SIRIUS:
Oh!...

SIRIUS, REMUS, HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, GINNY, FRED, GEORGE, TONKS and MOODY:
A...Sirius Christmas
You...don't want to miss this
A...Sirius Christmas
Ah...
SIRIUS:
Oh!...

repeat last stanza to fade

To the tune of Hark the Herald Angels

A somewhat impressionistic look at 12 Grimmauld Place with the holidays in mind

Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their impersonating.
Weasley dead, a murdered child
Molly's grief is deep and wild
Arthur faces deadly peril
Sirius filks Christmas carols
Kreacher, though bound by elf laws
Searches for an escape clause.
Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their disguise of frightful things

Harry sulks with Buckbeak indoors
Prepossessed with Voldemort
As he feeds to Bucky dead rats
He concludes that he should scat.
Phineas, on canvas, mobile,
"Oh, I see, you're being noble."
Ginny says, "I'm not impressed,
You ain't the one who's been possessed."
Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their disguise of frightful things

Screaming portrait of Mother Black
Who a third dimension lacks.
Though she's only paint and oil
Half-breeds cause her blood to boil.
Elfish heads with caps of Santa
Black and Snape in deadly banter
An enormous Christmas tree
Covers up the tapestry
Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their disguise of frightful things
Hark, the Grimmauld boggarts sing
In their disguise of frightful things!

A filk by Kirstini to the tune of Santa Baby, originally sung by Eartha Kitt and covered by Madonna

This one is dedicated to those listies who were tentatively suggesting the possibility of a Voldemort/Bellatrix ship, on the basis that her husband is rather a faceless, generic DE, and Voldemort tends to address her as "Bella"…

Scene: the foyer of the Ministry of Magic

VOLDEMORT (Spoken): I see the truth looking at me from within his worthless mind...months of preparation, months of effort...and my Death Eaters have let Harry Potter thwart me again…
BELLATRIX: Master, I am sorry, I knew not, I was fighting the Animagus Black!
VOLDEMORT: Be quiet Bella. I shall deal with you in a moment. Do you think I have entered the Ministry of Magic to hear your snivelling apologies?

- There is a flash of light, and Bella reappears on top of a spotlit pedestal in the Fountain of Magical Brethren, her DE robes having given way to a low-cut, sparkly evening gown (this is possibly rather grotesque)-

BELLATRIX (sung, in her little baby voice):
But….
Voldy, baby, I slipped a Crucio on Harry,

VOLDEMORT:
For me?

BELLATRIX:
(Uhhuh) I've been an awful bad girl
Voldy, baby, `cause that is what you like `bout me, right?

Voldy, baby, you know that I have always been true to you:
I've just bumped off my coz,
Voldy, baby, just got somewhat distracted in the fight

Think of all the years I've missed
Think of all the times that I could've been Kissed
Haven't I deserved a little clemency -
I was practically the first Death Eater to enlist!
Boo doo bee doo

Voldy, honey, I've one weak spot and that's really not a lot
I'm just a little insane
So, Voldy, baby, refrain - don't punish Bella tonight.

Voldy, cutie, the other DE's wouldn't let me bleed the kid (1) -
I alone caused him pain,
Voldy, cutie, I really should be blame-free tonight.

Voldy, baby, the situation's kinda complex - Don't hex!
You're so sexy when mad...
Voldy, baby, we've only just begun to reunite...

Come and give little Bellatrix (2)
The hope that one day she will be Lady V.
Remember, it was me who tried to find you -
And I'm really, really sorry `bout the prophecy!
Boo doo bee doo

Voldy, baby, forgot to mention one little thing - get going!
We should make for the phone,
Voldy, baby, `cause Dumbledore is downstairs tonight!

I think it's time for us to take flight (yep, yep, yep)
So hurry outta this place tonight! (end music)

***

"Voldemort paid no attention..." (isn't there an Evil Overlord rule about ignoring your trusted lieutenant somewhere?)

1) - This really does rhyme. If you employ a thick German accent.
2) - I've decided that "Bellatrix" is pronounced to rhyme with "Grand Prix", and I won't be argued with on the matter.

To the tune of Feliz Navidad

THE SCENE: The Changing Room. Preparing to play against Slytherin, RON suddenly realizes that Harry had added "something" to his pumpkin juice.

RON:
Felix Felicis
Delicious it is
In juice let it fizz
On Cleansweep I'll leap and fly like a Wiz

I'm gonna get some good luck in Quidditch
I'm gonna get some good luck in Quidditch
I'm gonna get some good luck in Quidditch
From the bottom of my cup

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer

The Scene: Bellatrix feels the holiday spirit and sings this song to young Draco one night during his Occlumency lessons.....

BELLATRIX:
Run off with Severus Snape, Dear
He's the one Narcissa chose
And if you fail the Dark Lord
He's the one whose life gets hosed

He'll help your mother's pain, dear
Cissy never called him names
She felt he'd help get you off
Death from He Who'll Not Be Named

Cause one night at Spinner's End
Severus made a vow
If Draco should lose his fight
Snape steps in to end his plight

Then Bellatrix can trust him
Once he does the dirty deed
Run off with Severus Snape, dear
He'll fulfill the Dark Lord's need!

To the tune of Christmas Bells from the stage version of Rent

NOTE: I'm adding a CHORUS OF DWARVES (we'll just say that they're the same Dwarves Lockhart hired in Year Two) as part of the entertainment. The original song quotes a number of traditional Christmas Carols, so I'm having the Dwarves sing from The Very Harry Christmas page, singing filks by Melody & Pip, Eric Oppen and CMC

THE SCENE: Slughorn's Office, as his mega-Xmas bash gets underway.

CHORUS OF GUESTS
Christmas party's starting
Christmas party's starting
Christmas party's starting
In Slughorn's office

AN ELDERLY WARLOCK
Golden hangings, golden hangings
Golden hangings, golden hangings
Golden hangings, golden hangings

ALL
What a night of festive cheer!
It's the A-list party of the year!

Enter HARRY and LUNA

Here comes Harry
She's with Harry
And Harry's bringing her as a precautionary

The CHORUS gazes in wonder at SLUGHORN'S lavish decorations

What hangings!
What mandolins!
What fairies!
What pipe smoke!
What red lights
And lamps
And…

SOLO DWARF
“Rufus the lion-visaged”

CHORUS OF DWARVES
“Rufus the lion-visaged”

ALL
A room for our Sluggy Clubbings, right here
And Snape's beginning to sneer

SLUGHORN
Eldred, I said.....

ELDRED WORPLE
Stay with me, Sanguini!

LUNA (pointing to SLUGHORN)
Tassled hat

ELDRED WORPLE (taking HARRY by the arm)
Let us chat

SLUGHORN (to House-elf)
Bring us five martinis

A fleet of house-elves, each bearing a heavy tray of savory food and drink, pour in to accomodate every guest

CHORUS OF HOUSE-ELVES
Trays we're bearing
Clothes not wearing

ALL
A room for our Sluggy Clubbings, right here
And Snape's beginning to sneer

ELDRED WORPLE (to HARRY)
What about a book?
Just look at this -
We're craving to know all about you
If you're agreed,
Right away if we're speedy
We'll write of your rites
Between Right and Wrong

HARRY (turning away)
I don't want to do that

MCLAGGEN (crudely pawing HERMIONE)
I'm so great at Quidditch

TRELAWNEY (to herself, swigging down her sherry)
I do not deserve such treatment

HERMIONE (overlap with below, as she pulls away from MCLAGGEN)
'Mac - 'Mac
You are worse
Than Grawp
Give me some way to slow
The ways you've touched me so

MCLAGGEN (overlap with above, as he continues to grope)
Hey-I've got great hands
So say my fans
Oh-Oh-Oh-Oh

HERMIONE
Look out! Snape's beginning to sneer!

McLAGGEN turns to look at the sneering SNAPE, enabling HERMIONE to remove herself from his presence

TRELAWNEY (to HARRY)
I've said, "You're the One who's Chosen"
But still you're dropping out
How I've wanted to
Put Dobbin out of sight!

HARRY
Right!

TRELAWNEY/LUNA
But you/we dropped out!

SLUGHORN (suddenly interrupting)
But it's always the way
Ev'ry teacher would say
What we've taught we all thought
That it ought to give the foremost delight

TRELAWNEY (to a passing house-elf)
Wait, wait, wait bring one glass of mead

HARRY (to LUNA)
Let's us feed - I'll get a plate
There's much food left so we need not speed

SNAPE suddenly enters HARRY's field of vision

Aack- it's him!

SLUGHORN
Sev'rus!

SNAPE
Potter?

HARRY
Yikes!

LUNA (to HARRY)
Have no fear

HARRY/SNAPE
Hey - Snape's/I'm beginning to sneer

CHORUS OF DWARVES
“I'm dreaming of a Black Christmas”

SLUGHORN (throwing his arm around HARRY)
Just like his mum, just like his mum
With his potions, he makes 'em hum
Just like his mum, just like his mum
Look at him, Snapey!

SNAPE
But he's dumb!

SANGUINI (to a group of giggling girls)
Got any Type A?

ELDRED (trying to pull him away)
Be cool

SANGUINI
Got any Type 0?

ELDRED (trying to pull him away)
You fool!

SANGUINI
Got any B?
Double A?
Double O?

ELDRED (removing him from the group)
Just take a pasty, guy!
Let us go!

HERMIONE finds herself before HARRY & LUNA

HERMIONE
Hey

HARRY & LUNA
Hey

HERMIONE (irritated)
Oh, that guy I'm with!
I should've taken Smith

HARRY
Forget that!

HERMIONE
I blew it!
I just did it due to Ron

HARRY
Why?

A house-elf staggers by with several heavy platters

HOUSE-ELF
Dinner platter?

SLUGHORN
Give me two

HARRY
Don't talk to Ron of tryouts

HERMIONE
Is Quidditch all you think about?

SLUGHORN (to SNAPE)
You couldn't say he's mediocre

SLUGHORN/SNAPE
He's going to be/He thinks he'll be a great Auror

LUNA
Those Aurors
Are horrors
My father ripped their cover off
With Dark Arts, gum disease
Tear apart Ministries - we should know

HARRY & HERMIONE
And Snape's beginning to sneer

McLAGGEN has once more caught up with HERMIONE

McLAGGEN
This is luck, don't you know
Herm 'neath mistletoe

LUNA
Old Rotfang
And his gang
Their evil cut-rate
Cunning

Meanwhile, the WEIRD SISTERS have joined forces with the DWARVES, and prepare to harmonize together

THE WEIRD SISTERS (to the CHORUS OF DWARVES)
Give us a C note.
Give us a D note.
Give us a B note.
What a technique!
Let's do some tracks!

ELDERLY WARLOCK
Golden hangings

Enter ARGUS FILCH & DRACO MALFOY, the former dragging the latter in by the ear

FILCH (to SLUGHORN)
Sir, this is Malfoy

DRACO (wrenching free)
Hi

FILCH
He was sneaking in here

HARRY (aside)
Ha, my old arch-rival!

FILCH
Let's make him bounce

LUNA, HERMIONE & TRELAWNEY
Break fake snake

SLUGHORN
Let him in!

FILCH & DRACO
Without invite

SLUGHORN
I've Grandpa met

HARRY
Filch is a bitter one

FILCH
It's no fun

HARRY (gazing at DRACO)
He looks half-dead

SLUGHORN (aside)
I'll still Malfoys shun!

DRACO (aside)
There's no relief!

ELDRED (pulling HARRY aside)
Let us still talk together
In interviews upcoming.

HARRY
Don't even bother
I'll not give one!

The following passages are sung simultaneously, climaxing in a glorious cacophony of counterpoint

CHORUS OF STUDENT AND FACULTY GUESTS
Sluggy's Club is swinging
Sluggy's Club is ringing
Sluggy's Club is singing
What a scene! - Such cheer!
Luna Lovegood lets you see
Each irate conspiracy
She's our Luna
Looney Luna
She is longing to expose the Big Kahuna
No Snorkacks
No Heliopath
No Blibbering Humdinger
No Nargles, no moonfrogs
Just loose nuts Quibbling over who conspires
Loose nuts Quibbling over who conspires
A room for our Sluggy Clubbings, right here

CHORUS OF DWARVES & THE WEIRD SISTERS
I'm dreaming of a Black Christmas
A family I've never known
Twinkle spells! Wrinkled elf!
Fa la la la fa la la la
It was the night Voldy became
Silent night Halloween night
Fall on your knees it's Voldy time
He'll do more crime

SANGUINI (flirting with a group of girls as ELDRED is otherwise occupied):
Got any type A?
Got any type O?
Got any type B?
Even Brand X? Gack!
Vampire on fire!
Gotta lose my thirstiness!
AB for me
I'm like LeStat! I'm like LeStat!
I'm like LeStat!
Hemoglobin hemoglobin
Don't let it clot! Don't let it clot!
Any vein any B any hemoglobin joy
Any vein any B any hemoglobin joy
Got any Type A, got any Type O
Got any vein any B - any hemoglobin?

ELDRED WORPLE & HARRY continue their “negotiations” over the former's proposed literary project, specifically the number of interviews to be conducted

ELDRED
Four or five

HARRY
Zero

ELDRED
Four or five

HARRY
Zero

ELDRED
Let's say
Three or four

HARRY
Zero

ELDRED
Three or four

HARRY
Zero

ELDRED
Well, OK
Two or three

HARRY
Zero

ELDRED
Two or three

HARRY
Zero
That's it!

ELDRED
One or two

HARRY
Zero

ELDRED
Only one

HARRY
Zero

ELDRED
But the gold….!

HARRY
Zero

ELDRED
Zero
Shit!

WORPLE walks away in disgust, removing SANGUINI from the gaggle of girls

CHORUS OF DWARVES & THE WEIRD SISTERS
We
Sound
Su-
-Per hot when we're performing

MCLAGGEN
Where's Hermy?

HARRY
Don't ask

HERMIONE (aside, hiding under HARRY'S Invisibility Cloak)
He was all over me

DRACO (aside)
I'll ace my plans yet

SNAPE (aside, gazing at DRACO)
He needs a warning

SNAPE regards DRACO with anger and - is it possible? - a bit of fear; HARRY notices the suspicious interaction between them

SNAPE/HARRY (each, aside)
That/Those
One/Two
Holds/Hold
Some secret close
I should learn it I should learn it
I should learn it I should learn it
I should learn it I……

ALL
And Snape's beginning to
And Snape's beginning to
And Snape's beginning to…..

Seated at the keyboard, one of THE WEIRD SISTERS picks out the chords of the beloved holiday classic “The Twelve Magic Uses”

SNAPE (spoken):
I'd like a word with you, Draco

ALL
…..Sneer!

Exit SNAPE with DRACO in tow, closely followed by HARRY under his cloak

To the tune of I'll Be Home for Christmas.

THE SCENE: The Burrow. FRED WEASLEY sings of his newest Christmas Tree ornament.

FRED:
I'll use gnomes for Christmas,
High atop the tree
With some glue and a tutu
They'll glower down at me.

Late one night one bit me
On my ankle bone
I'll use gnomes for Christmas,
When stupefied like stone.

To the tune of Irving Berlin's White Christmas

Harry's presents included a sweater with a large Golden Snitch worked onto the front, hand-knitted by Mrs. Weasley, a large box of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes products from the twins, and a slightly damp, moldy-smelling package that came with a label read­ing "To Master, From Kreacher"

….."I didn't think of giving Kreacher anything. Do people usually give their house-elves Christmas presents?" asked Harry, prodding the parcel cautiously.

"Hermione would," said Ron. "But let's wait and see what it is before you start feeling guilty."

A moment later, Harry had given a loud yell and leapt out of his camp bed; the package contained a large number of maggots. "Nice," said Ron, roaring with laughter. "Very thoughtful." "I'd rather have them than that necklace," said Harry, which sobered Ron up at once.

- HBP, Chap. 16

KREACHER:
I'm wrapping up a white maggot
A present for my Master dear
It is rank and squirmy
And really wormy
And will be a fly next year

I'm wrapping up a white maggot
It wreaks of stench and of decay
May that half-breed traitorous blight
Be grossed out by putrid parasites

I'm hoping that Master's gagging
When he unwraps my Christmas gift
Let him feel disgusted -
This maladjusted
House-Elf feels awful tiffed.

I'm wrapping up a white maggot
On Christmas Day he'll see it writhe
May the Dark Lord brandish his scythe
So this elf can once again feel blithe.

To the tune of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Rufus, the lion-visaged
Had a quite determined look
That's why they made him Min'ster
After Corny got the hook

Voldy and all his minions
Struck at those whom they disliked
Rufus said, "I will stop him
When I jail Stan Shunpike."

At the Burrow, Christmas Eve,
Rufus came to say,
"Harry, you're the Chosen One -
Won't you be my hired gun?"

Now see Harry defyin'!
That's `cause he is Dumble's man.
"You may look like a lion,
But it's clear you're no Aslan!"

A filk by Lilac to the tune of Santa Baby as sung by Eartha Kitt

I imagine this is the letter that went along with that "My Sweetheart" necklace....

LAVENDER:
Won-Won baby, I hope you like this necklace I bought, "Sweetheart"
Say you'll never depart
Won-Won baby, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Won-Won honey, this means that I'm your girlfriend sincere, my dear,
It's a full-time career
Won-Won honey, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Christmas break, what fun we've missed
All these wasted moments where we haven't kissed
When you climb through that portrait hole
I don't think my actions I can control
Boo doo bee doo

Won-Won cutie, upon your arm is just where I want to flaunt
Jealous girls will look gaunt
Won-Won cutie, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Won-Won sweety, there's only one thing I really need, indeed,
Just make Hermione concede
Won-Won sweety, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Won-Won honey, now don't feel bad you only gave treats, my sweet
Next year just turn up the heat
Won-Won honey, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

I really do love you true
Please tell me that you feel the same way too
You are such a Quidditch catch
Howzabout a vertical wrestling match?
Boo doo bee doo

Won-Won baby, instead of Bertie's Beans, please give me some bling
And I'll sing "Weasley's My King!"
Won-Won baby, please hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Hurry back to snog at Hogwarts!

Hurry...Won-Won....

A filk by Cormac Slughorn to the tune of We Three Kings

WILKIE TWYCROSS:
These three D's of Apparate are
What you'll learn to travel afar.
Destination, Determination,
Don't leave behind your scar.

Oh, think of where you want to go.
Take it easy, take it slow.
Then move with Deliberation -
Susan lost her leg! Oh, no!

To the tune of Elvis Presley's Blue Christmas

THE SCENE: GINNY'S room in Gryffindor, as she reacts to the news that Harry has been suspended from Quidditch for the season.

GINNY:
I'll have to fly Quidditch without you
I'll have to snatch the Snitches without you
In detention with Snape in a damp dungeon drear
You won't be Seeker for the rest of the year.

And when those three Chasers start chasing
That's when my one pulse will be racing
You've been forced to depart, but you're still in my heart
But I'll have to fly - bye, my guy! - Quidditch

Instrumental Break

I will Ravenclaw rip, but will I gain a ship?
When I have to fly - dry my sigh! - Quidditch….

To the tune of It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

THE SCENE: High Street, Hogsmeade. HARRY reacts to the sighting of the Dark Mark over Hogwarts.

HARRY:
We came upon a Dark Mark here
The skull and snake's green glow
“A screaming comes across the sky,”
Like Gravity's Rainbow.
Straight from the cave we hence arrived
Where fierce Inferi did spook
And Dumbledore became quite ill
I hope he will not puke.

Lord Voldemort attacks our school
Our towers lightning-struck
Tonight, perhaps, we'll lose this war -
Of all the rotten luck.
We cannot dial 9-1-1
To halt this threatened doom
I'll use the famous Accio spell
And fetch Rosmerta's brooms

“Once more into the breach, dear friends!”
As good King Henry said.
I vow I will the people save,
Unless they're already dead.
Now Dumble says when we return
To bring him Snape, and quick!
I hope that Snape restores his health,
Though he still makes me sick.

A filk by Potioncat to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.

DRACO:
Severus got run over by Buckbeak
Running from the castle late one night.
Albus says it's all about our choices,
Now Snape and I sure hope we'll make them right.
I had Albus on the tower.
I thought I was in control.
But he wielded all the power,
And then Potter was consumed with vitriol.
Snape came rushing through the doorway
The Headmaster made his plea.
Then Snape cast'ed a Kadavra,
And he headed down the passageway with me.

Severus got run over by Buckbeak
Running from the castle late one night.
Albus says it's all about our choices,
Now Snape and I sure hope we'll make them right.
Snape he took a vow for Mother.
I thought he was there for me.
He was watching out for Hogwarts,
Making sure the castle was Death Eater free.
Sev'rus had his eye on Potter
Making sure he wasn't harmed.
Sev'rus tried to give instruction,
But the stupid Gryffindor, he wasn't charmed.

Severus got run over by Buckbeak
Running from the castle late one night.
Albus says it's all about our choices,
Now Snape and I sure hope we'll make them right.
The dark wizards were so happy,
At the death of Dumbledore.
They think we will be the winners,
If we all choose to obey Lord Voldemort.
It's our choices that determine
How we spend our destiny
Take your time and be real careful
Or you'll end up on the dark side just like me.

Severus got run over by Buckbeak
Running from the castle late one night.
Albus says it's all about our choices,
Now Snape and I sure hope we'll make them right.

A Muggle variant of the tune available here

THE SCENE: Before Hagrid's hut - in the chaos following Dumbledore's murder, an unexpected ally intervenes on Harry's behalf.

BUCKBEAK:
I am a scary hippogriff
To those I mark as prey
I now shall target Snapey
As he makes his getaway
I have a special screech reserved
For his young protégé
Colliding with Snape and Malfoy
Snape and Malfoy
Colliding with Snape and Malfoy

Three years ago at Hogwarts School
I nearly lost my head
That Malfoy lad told lies of me
Of how his blood was shed
But thanks to Harry and to Herm
With Sirius I fled
Oh, riding from Snape and Malfoy
Snape and Malfoy
Oh, riding from Snape and Malfoy

I spent a year at Grimmauld Place
Where Harry fed me rats
And with the name of Witherwings
Returned to my old flat
Let Snapey hurl his worst hex
I'll best him in combat
I'm gliding at Snape and Malfoy
Snape and Malfoy
I'm gliding at Snape and Malfoy

A filk by Heidi Tandy to The Night Before Christmas by Clement C. Moore.

'TWAS the week before Christmas, when all of the fans
Were waiting and hoping for a title to have.

Their stockings were hung and some dreidels were spun
Amid hopes that JKR would grant us some fun

The fangirls were clicking again on her site
To see if a title would give us some light.

Then all of a morning, the news was a snap
And roused all our brains from this long winter's nap.

In forums and journals arose such a clatter,
Google news and the bbc had views on the matter

Away to the websites we flew like a flash,
Clicked on the images and Hangman-ed the stash

The words on the screen were like new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to discussions, we'd know

What did deathly hallows refer to, my dear?
Neither miniature sleigh, nor eight tiny reindeer,

No, maybe horcruxes - hard to rhyme, I think
Or relics or places or people - or drinks?

Like rapid Abraxans, the theories, they came,
And we pondered, and shouted, and called them by name;

Now Potter, now Riddle, now Albus, R.A.B.
On adverbs and verb-nouns and research in wikis

To the top of the page! to the google we call!
Now type away! Post away! Discuss it all!"

As thestrals before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with a ship debate, take to the sky;

As around the websites the theories they flew
With a dictionary and the first six books, too

But is it a twinkling til we get the proof
Of a DH release date, that we'll put to use?

The bookstores had begun, before we turned around
To start taking orders as fanfare abounds

You can preorder it via Amazon and
Borders and others plan parties so grand

A challenge for fic and art will soon debut
On FA for writers and artists like you

A wink of Jo's eye and a twist of her head,
Lets fan creativity explode again

She spoke not a word, but went straight to this work,
Like it or not, please agree it's a perk

Of having a fandom where everyone knows
The author is grateful when the writing flows

So spring to your keyboards and sketchpads and things
We'll skype and ym thoughts through winter and spring

It's like Jo had exclaimed ere she wrote for our sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

To the tune of It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year by Eddie Pola and George Wyle

HARRY:
It's the Most Horrible Time, Seventh Year
With the Ministry falling
And the Trio crawling away in great fear
It's the Most Horrible Time, Seventh Year
It's the death-Deathly-iest Hallow, you see
With the graves that he's robbing and knives Bella's lobbing
At hapless Dobby
It's the death-Deathly-iest Hallow, you see

There'll be big books by Rita
And evil Death Eater
Professors at Hogwarts to teach.
I'll be very bewildered
When I find Bathilda is
Speaking a Parseltongue speech

It's the Most Horrible Time, Seventh Year
We'll hear Dumbledore's will read
And then see them kill Fred
As spiders draw near
It's the Most Horrible Time, Seventh Year

There'll be Horcrux we're seeking
And Ron who'll stop speaking
And Snatchers out snatching away
There'll be Lovegood betrayals
And Beadle Bard tales of
Wand, stone and cloak gone astray

It's the Most Horrible Time, Seventh Year
There'll be ghouls in pajamas
And all kinds of dramas
Of sorrow and tears.
It's the Most Horrible Time
It's the Most Horrible Time
It's the Most Horrible Time, Seventh Year

To the tune of Christmas in Killarney

THE SCENE: HARRY, disguised as one of the innumerable Weasley cousins, enjoys himself at the nuptials of Bill and Fleur.

HARRY:
The lights shine bright this wedding night
Although now my robes are a bit too tight
I'm playing Cousin Barny
Right here at the Weasley home

None will deduce my clever ruse
Unless I should run out of Polyjuice
And Luna Lovegood has been bit
By one of the Weasley gnomes

I'm here to see the union
Of Bill and Delacour
And Ronald's Aunt will have her rant
Against Al Dumbledore

Let me obtain a glass to drain
For I've reached the age I can drink champagne
Soon Vold will send his army
And far from here I'll roam
Till then I'm Cousin Barny
Right here at the Weasley home.

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Six White Boomers

This was inspired when I wondered what Christmas carols are sung in the southern hemisphere. I did a Google search and found only one Australian carol called "Six White Boomers". I occurred to me that we know exactly where Harry and Hermione were on Christmas Eve in Deathly Hallows. So here is possibly the only Christmas carol ever set in a cemetery.

(spoken)
Harry and Hermione have spent all year on the road looking for something, they weren't sure what. On Christmas Eve, they find themselves at a small churchyard cemetery where they feel certain they will find the resting place of Lily and James Potter.

(singing)
Alone upon a Christmas Eve, a-standing in the snow
Harry and Hermione see the church a-glow
Christmas? This is Christmas? They put those thoughts behind.
James and Lily's headstones were what they came to find.

Beside the little graveyard, a sign upon a stead.
"Go, Harry!" and "We love you" the standard said.
They cautiously moved forward, encouraged by the word
When out across the courtyard, Christmas bells were heard.

Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong. Ding. Dong.

"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
Hermione said to Harry while the moonlight shone.
"Christmas morning won't be Christmas morning
'Till we find Lily's stone."

Harry searched the first row, Hermione took the next.
She tried to raise the mood under some pretext.
"If they aren't here, will you take it very well?"
Harry said, "I found one labeled Pev-er-ell."

"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
Hermione said to Harry while the moonlight shone.
"Christmas morning won't be Christmas morning
'Till we find Lily's stone."

Hermione called out "Hey! Look at what we've got!
The name is Dumbledore and it's the fam'ly plot!
Albus had a mum and she's buried here below.
Ariana is beside her 'neath the winter snow."

"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
Hermione said to Harry while the moonlight shone.
"Christmas morning won't be Christmas morning
'Till we find Lily's stone."

And that is when they found them, two markers side by side
James and Lily Potter and the date they died.
And Harry looked upon them and finally understood
A death is never wasted when the life was good.

"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
Hermione said to Harry while the moonlight shone.
"Christmas morning, it's now Christmas morning.
I guess I've always known."

It was the greatest Christmas gift that Harry ever had
That life wins over death and that can't be bad.
So put the past behind you and face today with cheer.
Gather friends and fam'ly all throughout the year.

"Christmas morning! It's Christmas morning!"
They shouted out together as they walked away.
Christmas morning, it's always Christmas morning
When love is in your day.

A filk by the Blibbering Humdingers to the tune of I'm Getting Nothing for Christmas by by S.Tepper and R. Bennet

HARRY:
I got gift from Dumbledore
Gave a Snitch to me
I do not know what it is for
Gave a Snitch to me
A putouter he gave Ron
We don't know whats going on
A little book for Her-me-on (um..ahem…Hermione)
Gave a Snitch to me…

OH I'll smash a Horcrux this Christmas,
Everyone thinks I've gone bad
Ron ran away before Christmas
My scar burns when Voldemort's mad.

Went to see my parents' grave
Gave a Snitch to me
Hermione my bum did save
Gave a Snitch to me
Bathilda smelled like rotting steak
Then she turned into a snake
Hermione my wand did break
Gave a Snitch to me

OH I'll smash a Horcrux this Christmas,
Everyone thinks I've gone bad
Ron ran away before Christmas
My scar burns when Voldemort's mad.

Ronald pulled me to the shore
Gave a Snitch to me
Got the sword of Gryffindor
Gave a Snitch to me
I was looking all a wreck
Broke the locket off my neck
Then Ron stabbed it all to Heck
Gave a Snitch to me

OH We smashed a Horcrux for Christmas
Hermione's gone totally mad.
Ronald came back after Christmas
My scar burns 'cause Voldemort's bad.

To the tune of Up On The Housetop

THE SCENE: When trapped at the Malfoy Manor, who you gonna call?

HERMIONE:
We need a house-elf, that's because
We fell into Greyback's claws
To Malfoy's Mansion we have been towed
Bellatrix says I'll be Crucio'd

TRIO:
Hey, Dobby! Please rescue me!
Hey, Dobby! Please rescue me!
We need a house-elf, quick, quick, quick
The Malfoy clan are all pyschotic

HARRY:
First, Ollivander and Luna go
Pete drops by to say hello
I saved him once, so we share a bond
Pete's handed off to the Great Beyond

TRIO:
Hey, Dobby! Please rescue me!
Hey, Dobby! Please rescue me!
We need a house-elf, quick, quick, quick
The Malfoys ain't too altruistic

RON:
Dobby displays all his heroics
Helps to free Hermy from Bellatrix
Just to make sure that the coast is clear
Does The Phantom thing to the chandelier.

TRIO:
Hey, Dobby! You've rescued me!
Hey, Dobby! You've rescued me!
Bella a knife throws, she's so sick!
This song will end kind of traumatic.

To the tune of Rocking Around The Christmas Tree by Brenda Lee

THE SCENE: The Shrieking Shack. LORD VOLDEMORT takes drastic measures to take possession of the Elder Wand.

VOLDEMORT:
Sneakin' around the Shriekin' Shack
With my very favorite snake.
Keepin' him safe from an attack
Since my soul itself's at stake.

Wavin' around the Elder Wand
But the darn thing will not work
Sendin' off Snape to the Great Beyond
As the hidden Trio lurk.

It was quite a detrimental downfall,
What the hey? Though you may call
Me a meanie,
Snape's a snack for my Nagini.

Seizin' from Snape the Elder Wand
Which at last is truly mine.
The OOP tries to respond,
But they can't beat my hard line.

Swaying like a snake charmer, Voldy blows his sax to a dancing Nagini

Was it a coincidental outcome
That it's here, where James Potter
Once his life saved,
Transfers to a Spinners' End grave?

Stridin' on out of the Shriekin' Shack
With my very favorite snake
Now I will launch one last attack
And that Potter lad I'll break!

A filk by The Dark Evil One to The Night Before Christmas by Clement C. Moore.

'Twas the Night before Christmas
And all through Hogwarts
Every student was sleeping
E'en Draco, in his Shorts.

The fires all were put out, and the chimneys all swept.
The Elves finished their Duties as everyone slept.
The Ferret was curled up, snug in his bed
That came from PetSmart, or so it is said.

And Severus Snape in pajamas and robe
As Ron slept Unrestful - he's an Arachnophobe.
When suddenly, strange noises pierced the Dark night.
The Ferret wet himself from Terrible fright.

All three sprang from their beds, and Young Harry, too.
The Ferret blushed Brightly, and ran to the Loo.
They gathered together and peered through the Door
In the Entrance Hall, down on Hogwart School's ground floor.

Then out from the clouds near the tops of the towers
And the Winter's white sky (the poor Ferret did cower)!
They did not Recognise him, the Man who did fly;
Snape found him Familiar, and Rubbed sleep from his Eyes.

"Why, it must be Old Santa!"
The Ferret exclaimed,
"I told you he was Real,
This Elf so acclaimed!"

Now Harry, Ron, Draco, and he-in-the-Cape
(The same, I should tell you, as Severus Snape)
Ran to the Stairs, to hide as they might,
And Left the Doors open to let in Moon-light.

As the feathery Owls with the morning post fly
When they rush to their daily duty in the Sky,
So down from the tower the Sea-gulls they flew
With a bathtub-shaped Carriage, and Santa Claus, too.

Complete with the Faucets, a Plug, and a Chain!
Ron could not Fathom it; it hurt his poor Brain.
And they drew in sharp breaths and watched closely the Door
As St. Nicolas entered where the Moon-light did Pour.

He was Dressed in long robes, made of brocaded Gold.
He wore Golden-rimmed spectacles, looked Very Old.
A Bundle of sorts, filled with Toys, Sweets, and more…
Why, he looked just like Someone whom they'd Seen before!

His Eyes - how they twinkled! How Bright they shone Blue!
His Hair was so silv'ry, a silver they Knew,
And his Beard, o that beard! It was White as the Snow
That covered the ground on the lawns far Below.

"Draco, you dork, do your Eyes work no more?
This is not St. Nick, but Old Dumbledore!
Look at his long Hair, look at his Nose,
Look how his Beard nearly falls to his Toes!"

Their Headmaster it was, Jolly he did look.
Draco was frightened, his Knees how they Shook.
Daft of him, really, to me it Appears
For the Ferret to have this Possession of Fear.

To them, he spoke not, nor an Obeisance made
As under each Tree their Gifts he there laid.
Then he placed his long Finger aside of his Nose -
What a cryptic salute Old Dumbledore chose!

He Returned to his Tub, and Far Away flew.
The Four hardly believed what they had Seen was true.
But they Heard him exclaim, ere he Drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas To All, And To All A Good-Night!!"

A filk by Pippin to the tune of Silent Night

Slimy git
Greasy git
Constantly
In a snit
Prowling corridors
Hither and yon
Saving Harry so
He can go on
Hating Potter in peace
Hating Potter in peace

Slimy git
Greasy git
He's a jerk
I admit
Gory scenes for
The kid with the scar
Was it murder or
Plot twist bizarre?
Serverus, you're still a berk
Severus, you're still a berk

A filk by Louise Freeman Davis to the tune of I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas

A third-year Hagrid, facing the holidays alone in Hogwarts, ponders his Christmas wish.

HAGRID:
I want a hippogriffy beast for Christmas.
Only a hippogriffy beast will do.
No more werewolf cubs, or Blast-Ended Skrewts
But raisin'up a hippogriff'll help me pass me NEWTS

I want a hippogriffy beast for Christmas
I don' think Dumbledore'll mind, d'you?
I won' try ter take him through the portrait hole
He c'n live out in the forest, out where I go wrestle trolls!

I can see him now on Christmas morn by my four poster bed
I know how ter be polite so I'll bow an' he won' bite an' then I'll pet him an'
not wind up dead!

I want a hippogriffy beast for Christmas.
Only a hippogriffy beast will do.
Can't hatch a dragon, b'cause they are illegal,
So I'll settle fer a critter who's half horse and who's half eagle!
An' my hippogriff is gonna like me too!

musical interlude, played on carved flute

The prefects think the half-giant is a great big hairy joke,
But I'll teach my pet ter take a bite o' that Tom Riddle bloke!

musical interlude

He can go out at night an' hunt ferrets in the fog,
Then come back ter me cupboard and take tea wif Aragog!

I can see him now on Christmas morn by my four poster bed
I know how ter be polite so I'll bow an' he won' bite an' then I'll pet him and
not wind up dead!

I want a hippogriffy beast for Christmas. Only a hippogriffy beast will do.
Can't hatch a dragon, b'cause they are illegal,
So I'll settle fer a critter who's half horse an' who's half eagle!
An' my hippogriff is gonna like me too!

A filk by Bighead Girl and MagicPoni to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Enter HARRY, RON & DUMBLEDORE

HARRY:
Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus, we believe.

He's been drinkin' too much butterbeer
(sarcastically) And we begged him not to go,
But we gave him medication
And he staggered out the door into the snow.

When we found him Christmas morning,
At the scene of the attack,
He had tire marks on his forehead,
And incriminating Shunpikes on his back.

Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus, we believe.

RON:
Now we're all so proud of Harry,
He's been taking it so well,
See him in there watchin' Quidditch,
Drinkin' juice and playing snap with Profesor Al.(+albus+)

It's not Christmas without Lockhart,
All the Slytherins are dressed in black, (+duh+)
And we just can't help but wonder,
Should we open his fan mail or send it back?

DUMBLEDORE & HARRY:
SEND IT BACK!!!!!

HARRY:
Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus, we believe.

Now the goose is on the table,
And the pudding made of fig, (ahh)
And the gold and silver candles
That would just matched the hair in Lockhart's wig.

DUMBLEDORE
I've warned all my friends and students,
"Better watch out for yourselves",
They should never give a license
To Severus Snape, Minerva, and Myself

HARRY:
Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus, we believe.

RON
SING IT Albus!

DUMBLEDORE & HARRY:
Lockhart got run over by the Knight Bus,
Walking home from the Weasleys Christmas Eve,
You can say there's no such thing as Nighties,
But as for me and Albus/Harry, we believe.

ALL
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

A filk by Sparrowhawk to the tune of You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

The Scene: The Gryffindor dormitory. Harry is drifting off to sleep, thinking back pleasantly on ignominious retreat of the Hogwarts High Inquisitor...

Wavy lines indicating dream sequence transition

Enter DUMBLEDORE, gazing into a swirling Pensieve and shaking his head…,

DUMBLEDORE
You've a toad-face, Ms. Umbridge.
I thought you ought to know.
Your neck is nonexistent
And I hate that big black bow,
Ms. Umbridge.

You're about as clever
As a drunken grindylow.

You're abhorrent, Ms. Umbridge
Like a nasty sewer clog.
There's really nothing slimier
Than a pompous pedagogue,
Ms. Umbridge.

I wouldn't touch you with a
Whomping Willow log.

You're pathetic, Ms. Umbridge.
You're a simpering, feeble sham.
I've heard better ersatz coughing
At a hernia exam,
Ms. Umbridge.

Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the--HEM HEM--hernia exam.

You're a foul one, Ms. Umbridge
With your exsanguinating quill.
How dare you torture Harry
Into sleepless deshabille,
Ms. Umbridge.

The three words that best describe you are, and I
quote: "Plump" "Pink" "Punk"

You are troll-kin, Ms. Umbridge,
High Inquisitor or not.
Fudge must be in Malfoy's pocket
To have given you that spot,
Ms. Umbridge

Your soul is a Chamber of Secrets housing a flatulent, feculent
flobberworm best left undisturbed for all eternity and
Sealed with Devil's Snare knots!

You're a cretin, Ms. Umbridge.
Minerva told you off.
Even Flitwick had you floundering,
Even Hagrid had to scoff,
Ms. Umbridge.

You're a three-decker moldy head cheese and stoat sandwich
With Stinksap sauce.

A filk by Salazar to the tune of Kidnap The Sandy Claws from Danny Elfman's The Nightmare Before Christmas.

THE SCENE: The office of DOLORES UMBRIDGE. Along with TWO MINISTRY OFFICIALS and a CHORUS OF DEMENTORS, she plots to be rid of Harry Potter

FIRST MINISTRY OFFICIAL
Kidnap little Harry boy?

UMBRIDGE
Let's use dementors to destroy.

SECOND MINISTRY OFFICIAL
Someone has to take some action
We're in a bind

FIRST OFFICIAL:
Create a distraction

UMBRIDGE
The kid goes in traction!

ALL:
Weeeee!
Lalalalalalalalalalala
Lalalalalalalalalalala

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS (Instructing Dementors):
Kidnap the Potter boy
Stop him if you can
Throw the little lying brat
Right in Azkaban.

UMBRIDGE (to Dementors)
His lying will take its toll
We cannot let him reach his goal
Voldemort cannot be back
So you had best suck out his soul!

FIRST OFFICIAL:
Wait, I've got a better ploy to catch this little hero boy
Just let him say "Voldy's not dead", the Ministry will have his head!

CHORUS OF DEMENTORS
Kidnap the Potter boy
Suck out all his bliss
Back him up against the wall
Then give him a kiss

SECOND OFFICIAL:
Then Mr. Albus Dumbledore
Can head right through the prison door!
He'll hold such a big monstrous grudge
He'll lose the fight to Fudge! Whee!

FIRST OFFICIAL
I say that we take an Auror,
And send him Potter's address
Avada Kedavra will make sure that Potter is no more!

UMBRIDGE
Don't be stupid. Think now, if he falls right down without a fight
It might look suspicious and The Prophet might just think he's right!

DEMENTORS
Kiss off the Potter boy,
Drink his happiness
Leave him with his worst of thoughts
See then if he's blessed

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS
Because old Mr. Albus Dumble
Just believes that bloody lad
If I were with old Dumbledore,
I'd be rather sad!

UMBRIDGE:
Fudge will be so happy to see
That Potter's finished, thanks to me!
Perhaps he'll move me up in rank
Then the half-breeds will tank!

'Cause I'm Secretary and I do my job with pride
I hate that Harry Potter kid, who I think went and lied.
I wish I were the one in charge
For me no power is too large.

FIRST OFFICIAL
Dumbledore will have a fit
When we use this plan
To bear fruit
We'll send a box to Potter's door
With powder that makes him grow roots.

SECOND OFFICIAL
Now in the box the stuff we'll hide
Until at last Harry just can't
Resist the lure to look inside
And he'll become a helpless plant!

UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS
Kiss off the Potter boy,
Get him on the run
Tell The Daily Prophet all
The crimes that he's done!

Kidnap the Potter boy,
Indict him with crimes
Even send an article
To the Muggle Times!

ALL:
Kidnap the Potter boy
But do only this
When we've/you've got him cornered then
Give him a nice kiss!

Mad laughter from UMBRIDGE & OFFICIALS. Exit DEMENTORS

A filk by fuzzlebub85 to the tune of Frosty the Snowman

Umbridge the Devil
Was a very nasty soul
With a pink cardigan and a black quill
that in Harry's hand sliced holes

Umbridge the Devil Was a nightmare, Hogwarts says
Except the Inquis Squad, who shout and nod,
"Old Umbridge was the best!"

Down to Hagrid's
With a clipboard in her hand
Running to all the Slytherins
"Do you understand that man?"

Soon Trelawney
Was sacked by evil Umbridge
But McGonagall said, "Sibyll, never fear
Albus will keep you here."

Down to the forest
With Harry and Hermione
Came evil Umbridge who met the centaurs
And was quite nearly killed.

In the Ministry
Dumbledore made Fudge see reason
For bad or good he understood
High Inquisitor had committed treason

Cloppity clop clop cloppity clop clop
Look at Umbridge go...
Cloppity clop clop cloppity clop clop over Hogwarts' snow!

A filk by Crookykanks to the tune of Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

Harry is dreaming. FLITWICK comes in wearing a bright elf suit, and sings:

FLITWICK:
Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

. She was gaining too much power, and was posing as a threat
but it was really, really funny to see her sitting in the swamp, soaking wet.
She supervised all our classes, writing down notes with evil glee
And once a month she would present us with another stupid ministry decree

Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

We're all so proud of all our teachers, while she's around they lessen our load
See McGonagall resisting from turning that ministry princess into a toad
Fred and George had pranked the teachers. Snape had even called them jerks
but now the staff will only sit back and allow us to enjoy the fireworks (fireworks!)

Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

She was Fudge's evil minion and she put scars on Harry's hand
And that awful pink cardigan should be banished from fashion through the land
Snape was really getting angry, and Sprout had had about enough
At least through anger she united Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, and Hufflepuff.

Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

(RON: Sing it Professor!)

Umbridge got run over by a centaur
Walking through the forest late at night
The teachers say we shouldn't think it's funny,
But we can hear them laughing with delight

A filk by Lilac to the tune of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

HARRY:
Peeves the Poltergeist was filling-in
Dirty lyrics into Christmas songs.
The armor suits forgot
All the words, and Peeves had thought
He'd add some phrases nasty that would
Makes one's face all hot!

Peeves the Poltergeist was chuckling
Since he did embarrass everyone.
Now I'll never sing straight-faced
The song What Child is This?
Peeves has tainted all the Christmas songs!

Harry Potter, Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

A filk by JustJeanette to the tune of The Little Drummer Boy

Harry Potter, pa rum pum pum pum
Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum
Voldemort risen again, pa rum pum pum pum
It is your destiny, pa rum pum pum pum
To see he doesn't live, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

You are our last great hope, pa rum pum pum pum
You and your scar

Harry Potter, pa rum pum pum pum
Son of great sacrifice, pa rum pum pum pum
You can speak parsel-tongue, pa rum pum pum pum
From you Voldemort will run, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum,

You are our last great hope, pa rum pum pum pum
You and your scar

Harry nodded, pa rum pum pum pum
Hermione will help me, pa rum pum pum pum
Ron he will back us up, pa rum pum pum pum
Professor Snape is here, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

You are our last great hope, pa rum pum pum pum
You and your scar

Snape he threw a curse, pa rum pum pum pum
Crucio, my Lord, pa rum pum pum pum
Struck Voldemort in the back, pa rum pum pum pum
Giving us the chance, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

You are our last great hope, pa rum pum pum pum
You and your scar

To strike the fatal blows, pa rum pum pum pum
Bringing him to his toes, pa rum pum pum pum
I struck the final blow, pa rum pum pum pum
And now he's down below, pa rum pum pum pum
Rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

You are our last great hope, pa rum pum pum pum
You and your scar

Yet another Bighead Girl and MagicPoni creation to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas

One of those weird X-Mas songs - Note that the words in parentheses are sound effects

HARRY: On the first day of Hogwarts my Professor gave to me... A Nimbus 2003
(Cool beans!)

RON: On the second day of Hogwarts my Professor gave to me... two chocolate frogs
(ummm yum!)

HAGRID: On the third day of Hogwarts a stranger gave to me... three headed dog
(woof woof)

McGONAGALL: On the fourth day of Hogwarts the Headmaster gave to me...Four Dark Arts Teachers
(This job is cursed!)

ALBUS: On the fifth day of Hogwarts my Students gave to me... five Lemon Drops
(my favorite)

DRACO: On the sixth day of Hogwarts my Professor gave to me... six Slyths a lying
(shut up mudbloods)

OLLIE: On the seventh day of Quidditch my Professor gave to me...seven Brooms a Flying
(wwweeeeeeeeeee!)

HERMIONE: On the eighth day of Hogwarts my Professor gave to me... eight Hogwarts A History
(fascinating)

MOODY: On the ninth day of Hogwarts my students gave to me... nine Ferrets Bouncing
(Neener Neener Neener)

SNAPE: On the tenth day of Hogwarts my students got from me...ten weeks detention
(LONGBOTTOM!)

FRED/GEORGE: On the eleventh day of Hogwarts my good friends gave to me...eleven Pranksters Pranking
(want a canary cream?)

VOLDEMORT: On the twelfth day of Hogwarts my servants gave to me...twelve DEs Running
(Hey come back!)

A filk by Catherine Johnson and Benjamin Wick to the traditonal tune

On the first day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
A new sweater under the tree (Uh, thanks Mrs. Weasley...)

On the second day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Two best friends (You guys are so great!)
And a new sweater under the tree

On the third day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Three Dursleys (I'm related to them?)
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the fourth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Four Hogwarts Houses (Go, Gryffindor!)
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the fifth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Five Golden Snitches (What, I have to catch FIVE?!)
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the sixth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Six Quidditch teammates (We'll win the Cup again this year!)
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the seventh day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Seven years at Hogwarts (I wish I could stay forever!)
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the eighth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Eight books by Lockhart (Oh, goodie)
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the ninth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Nine folks named Weasley (I wonder if they'd consider adopting me?)
Eight books by Lockhart
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the tenth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Ten points from Gryffindor (C'mon, Professor Snape, it's Christmas!)
Nine folks named Weasley
Eight books by Lockhart
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the eleventh day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Eleven Slyth'rins scheming (Oh, that's not good)
Ten points from Gryffindor
Nine folks named Weasley
Eight books by Lockhart
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas, the Owl Post brought to me
Twelve Veelas dancing (Happy Christmas, indeed!)
Eleven Slyth'rins scheming
Ten points from Gryffindor
Nine folks named Weasley
Eight books by Lockhart
Seven years at Hogwarts
Six Quidditch teammates
Five Golden Snitches
Four Hogwarts Houses
Three Dursleys
Two best friends
And a new sweater under the tree

A filk by Nimbus 1944 to the tune of When Christmas Comes to Town from Alan Silvestri's score for The Polar Express

HARRY
An Accio's the spell
Retrieving things astray;
Riddikulus done well
Makes boggarts go away.
But no charm has the magic
Of your friends who'll never part;
At Christmas time,
Keep friendship in your heart.

HERMIONE
I know so many charms,
But two do not exist;
To hug in someone's arms,
Or being gently kissed --
Two joys that must be magic,
Yet no incantations start!
At Christmas time,
Keep friendship in your heart.

Faithful ones have joy their goal,
Spreading love at Yule;
It glows and warms your insides like
A fiery magic jewel!
No one need be lonely
On the night of Christmas Eve,
When you know you're loved that way!

RON
When families gather 'round,
Or friend can be with friend
The Christmas song will sound
And never needs to end.
To be a friend or lover
Is the finest magic art;
At Christmas time,
Keep friendship in your heart.

ALL
At Christmas time,
Keep friendship in your heart!

A filk by JustJeanette to the tune of Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a Thestral-drawn sleigh
Home to Hogwarts we go
Laughing all the way
Wands a casting spells
Malfoy's on the floor
Ron he tripped him up again
And threw him through the door.

[chorus]

Dumbledore, what a bore, and here he goes again
Telling us that things are great when Voldy's on the loose.
Hey, Dumbledore, still a bore, and still he goes along
Harry he will save us all, and that's his favorite song.

Snape is in the Dungeons
Dreading Christmas Cheer
Glory, fame and fortune
They are bottled here
Subtle arts he's knowing
Wand waving he disdains
Feel the liquids power
Creeping through your veins

[chorus]

Minerva's in her tartans
The trio does she seek
They've gone and snuck off again
The fourteenth time this week
Her Seeker she is wanting
Quidditch is about to start
Severus thinks they'll win this time
When Harry falls apart

[chorus]

A filk by R.J. Lupin to the tune of Little Saint Nick by Sugar Ray

SCENE: It's the year of Harry's first Christmas (1980), and Sirius, Remus, and Peter have all come over to James and Lily's house to celebrate. One of Harry's baby's gifts is an infant toy broomstick from Sirius, with which Harry is playing with. And then, in all happiness, the four Marauders break into a song that involves the use of Harry's fanon-derived baby nickname, 'Pronglet'

JAMES, SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
Ooh...
Happy Christmas, Harry
Ooh...

JAMES:
Wella in this town called Godric's Hollow
There's a really cool son around that you should know
And he has his mum's eyes but he looks like dad
And it's going to be the best Christmas he's had

He's the little Pronglet
SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
Oooh... little Pronglet
JAMES:
He's the little Pronglet
SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
Oooh... little Pronglet

JAMES:
And already we see like dad he'll be a star
Plus the brains he got from mum will make him go far
He's riding a toy broom like it all is a game
When he's playing it for real then the world will change

He's the little Pronglet
SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
Oooh... little Pronglet
JAMES:
He's the little Pronglet
SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
Oooh... little Pronglet

JAMES, SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
A fly, fly, Harry
A fly, fly, Harry
A fly, fly, Harry
A fly, fly, Harry
SIRIUS:
Then hit Sniv'lly!

JAMES:
We're hoping when he grows he's like Lil' and me
But we're gonna have to wait 'til that day comes and see
One day he may wear glasses, but don't call him a nerd
'Cause he's gonna be the best wizard you've ever heard

He's the little Pronglet
SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
Oooh... little Pronglet
JAMES:
He's the little Pronglet
SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
Oooh... little Pronglet
Ah... Happy Christmas, Harry
JAMES:
He's the best son in the world
SIRIUS, REMUS, and PETER:
Ah... Happy Christmas, Harry
JAMES:
He's the bet son in the world
JAMES, SIRIUS, REMUS and PETER:
Ah...
Happy Christmas, Harry

Falcona, Katana, Etana, and Aeterna, proudly present the actual (meaning: imagined) lyrics that Sirius sang in OOP. So here it is, all ten glorious verses. Enjoy!

SIRIUS:
God rest ye, merry hippogriffs,
For Kreacher is at bay.
My godson, Harry Potter
Is here this holiday
To save me from this gloomy hole
And join us in the fray!
Oh, and maybe we'll plot against Malfoy,
Against Malfoy,
Yes, and maybe we will plot against Malfoy!

In Grimmauld Place, in London town,
My mother she did moan,
For me and several Weasleys,
We were living in her home,
And breaking all her relics foul,
Till spit from her mouth did foam...
Now, let us all plot against Malfoy,
Against Malfoy,
Now let us all plot against Malfoy!

From Dumbledore, our leader,
An important message came,
To stay inside my family house,
Which really was a pain.
I was stuck with a mad house-elf
But since my godson's here again,
I can help him to plot against Malfoy,
Against Malfoy
I can help him to plot against Malfoy!

The Christmas feast is coming soon,
And happily I'll join,
For surely Molly's recipes
Will never disappoint,
And maybe in my pudding,
I will bite into a coin!
And then we will plot against Malfoy,
Against Malfoy,
And then we will plot against Malfoy!

Oh, Malfoy is a fiendish git,
And none will disagree.
He has a rather boring wit,
Insulting those he sees
As underlings below him
That obey all his decrees,
So let us all plot against Malfoy,
Against Malfoy,
So let us all plot against Malfoy!

Now what to do to dear Malfoy?
No one deserves it more.
Old Moody took the best idea
Bounced Malfoy off the floor.
But we can think of something better
If we think hard, I'm sure.
So what is our plot against Malfoy,
Against Malfoy?
Oh, what is our plot against Malfoy?

"Fret not, my friend," said Remus,
"For a plan I can invent,
We'll sneak into the owlery
And swap Malfoy's present
For a really scary boggart
Which might make the brat repent."
And that is our plot against Malfoy,
Against Malfoy,
And that is our plot against Malfoy!

So let us go to Hogwarts
And seek this Malfoy lad.
Our plot is formed, our plans are laid
To make the fellow mad,
For we are the Marauders
And there's mischief to be had!
Let us carry out the plot against Malfoy,
Oh, what joy!
Let us carry out the plot against Malfoy!

And when dear Draco opened,
His present sans delay,
He was quite shocked to see,
A ferret that was gray!
For that is what the boggart is,
To Draco's great dismay!
And that is our plot against Malfoy,
Against Malfoy,
And that is our plot against Malfoy!

And Malfoy with a face that was
Insanely fun to see
Took up his quill and wrote a note
Home to his family
Asking them if this was their
Idea of jokery!
Oh, such fun it is to plot against Malfoy
Against Malfoy
Oh such fun it is to plot against Malfoy!

A filk by Mandragoran to the tune of Jingle Bells

Flying through the skies
Looking for the Snitch
Draco thinks he's great
But he's just a stupid bitch

The Snitch was by his ear
I caught it as he laughed
Although he wasn't laughing much
When he landed on his ass

Ohhhh...

We won again, won again
I'll rub it in his face
Every time he loses
It puts him in his place

Hasn't won a single match
Since I've joined the team
Money buys most everything
But winning so it seems!

So Draco might have cash
He buys the latest fad
I guess its not his fault
If at Quidditch he's just bad

It really is a shame
He hasn't made a catch
Maybe if we forfit
He'd finally win a match!

Ohhhhhhhhhh

We won again, won again
I'll rub it in his face
Everytime he looses
It puts him in his place

Hasn't won a single match
Since I've joined the team
Money buys most everything
But winning so it seems!

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the "tune" (such as it is) of Adam Sandler's The Hanukkah Song.

There are lots of Christmas songs in the HP filkdom, but isn't it time for us to recognize our diversity?

ANTHONY GOLDSTEIN:
Wearing my yalmulka, at Hogwarts for Hanukkah
Let's get harmonic-kah and sing out for Hanukkah!

The Great Hall has twelve fairy-lighted trees
But how about one menorah, Headmaster, pretty please?

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Xmas tree,
Here's a list of wizards who are Jewish, just like you and me:

You should visit Madam Malkin, for robes without peer,
And also Cassandra Vablatsky, the celebrated seer.

Bertie Botts whose Every Flavours makes each day a bit sweeter
Josef Wronski who feinted and most likely Rita Skeeter. [1]

Oswald Beamish, who pioneered goblin rights [2]
Was probably one who celebrated Eight Crazy Nights.

You don't need Deck the Halls although Jingle Bell works
But you can buy and sell goods down at Borgin and Burke's
(spoken:both Jewish!)

Nicolas Flamel wasn't Jewish in history,
But without Abraham the Jew, the Stone would be shrouded in mystery. [3]

One guy who most likely has a six-point star under his cape
Is our dark-featured hook-nosed Professor Severus Snape!

Perhaps Hannah Abbott, but her beau Ernie Macmillan
I'm sure, would convert before they ever have chillen. [4]

And then there's Ms Brocklehurst whose first name is Mandy
She's a Ravenclaw who could be a Jew and that's handy.

Jews in the pop group Weird Sisters of show biz--
Orsino Thruston isn't Jewish, but maybe lead singer Myron Wagtail is.

Tell your friend Hermione-kah, its time you celebrate Hanukkah
I hope I don't sound whiny-kah, on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

Jews Muggle and Magical marry outside the blood long since
But doesn't it make you wonder about the blood of the Half-Blood Prince?

[1]Ok, so her name isn't remotely Jewish, but she reminded me so much of Joan Rivers I made a logical jump.

[2] So many civil rights pioneers are Jewish that I made another logical assumption.

[3] Abraham the Jew was essential in translating the tablets that led to the development of the Philosoper's Stone.

[4] I apologize.

A filk by Allemande to the tune of Frosty the Snowman

Voldy is no man, bears resemblance to a snake
With his skull-white skin and his flattened nose
And two eyes as red as steak.
"Voldy is no man, but a fairy tale," they said
"He does not exist!" But then Voldy hissed
And now most of them are dead.
There must have been some turmoil
In the Sorting Hat that day
For when Tom placed it on his head
It fell off and ran away

O, Voldy is no man, but alive as he can be
And the wizards say he'll be back one day
To come after you and me.

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump
Look at Voldy kill.

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump
Ever his greatest skill.

Voldy was no man of self-doubt, as you can see
So he said "I'll run and kill Potter's son
And be back with you for tea."
Down went the villain with a wand clutched in his hand
Wizards here and there zoomed around the air
Shouting, "You-Know-Who is banned!"

He finished killing James and went
The baby boy to seize
And he only paused a moment when
He heard his mother's pleas
Now Voldy was no man, and his spirit flew away
But it gave a sneer saying,
"Don't you cheer, I'll be back again someday."

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump
Look at Voldy go.

Thumpetty thump thump
Thumpetty thump thump
He'll be back, You Know.

Another Certifiably Wakey filk by MagicPoni - The worst thing since the Death Eater Barbershop quartet...A dreadful little ditty sung by Lord Voldemort's Chorus of Death Eaters! Sung to Gene Autrey's "Here Comes Santa Claus"

CHORUS OF DEATH EATERS:
Here comes Voldemort!
Here comes Voldemort!
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
Lucius Malfoy and all his DEs
Promote his evil reign.
Mudbloods cringing, Muggles screaming;
All is horror and fright.
Sport a Dark Mark or say your prayers,
'Cause Voldemort comes tonight.

Here comes Voldemort!
Here comes Voldemort!
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
He's got a plot that is filled with schemes
To haunt Harry in his dreams
Hear those Potters plead for mercy,
Oh What a horrible sight.
Jump in bed, cover up your head,
'Cause Voldemort comes tonight.

Here comes Voldemort!
Here comes Voldemort!
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
He doesn't care if you're a rich snob Malfoy,
He loves purebloods the same.
Slytherin knows that we're the chosen,
That makes everything right.
Fill your ears with dreadful fears,
'Cause Voldemort comes tonight.

Here comes Voldemort!
Here comes Voldemort!
He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named!
He'll come around when his old friends break out
Of Azkaban again
Hell on Earth will come to all

To the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

THE SCENE: The Chamber of Secrets. A tall Christmas tree, brightly decorated, with many presents surrounding it, stands in the center. To the side, is a grand piano. TOM RIDDLE is tickling its ivories.

RIDDLE
Voldy's future's a power play
Riddle's folks are late
Chamber secrets are here today,
Basilisks with their hate

Have yourself a Tommy Riddle Christmas
Give your soul to me
Pour it straight into a magic diary
From now on

Have yourself a Tommy Riddle Christmas
Cast a gay AK
In a flash our rivals will be blown away

Soon I will become Voldemort
Happy Voldy days of gore
Hellacious fiends who eat death with us
Steal breath with us once more

I know that
In the Book that will be Number Seven
I will win somehow
After that, we'll just have to Muggles disallow
So have yourselves a Tommy Riddle Christmas now.

TOM unwraps a huge package, "from the Basilisk." It turns out to be a life-size statue of a Gryffindor prefect. This thoughtful gift brings a tear of gratitude to TOM'S eye.

To the tune of Away in a Manger

At the old Riddle House, his familial turf,
Now roughly the size and the shape of a Smurf,
He huddles for warmth by the crackling flame -
The Little Lord Voldy, so shrunken and lame.

The Little Lord dictates by the fireplace
Wormtail's grossed-out by the sight of his face
He looks as though he just crawled out 'neath a rock
But Little Lord Voldy will not call the doc.

Nagini's all curled up snug by the hearth
When Muggles drop by, Voldy gets to do Darth.
With visions of flesh, blood and bone in his head,
The Little Lord Voldy retires to bed.

To the tune of Angels We Have Heard on High

THE SCENE: The Malfoy Estate. Enter Chorus of Death Eaters, costumed as carollers

CHORUS
Eaters, make them hurt and cry and sing out with severe pain
Let ev'ry DE voice vie in a hymn we must not name
Cru-oo-oo-oo-oo-cio
Avada Kedrava!

Deck the holly and the wreath, share a glass of sweet eggnog
Put Potter six feet beneath or feed him to Aragog
Cru-oo-oo-oo-oo-cio
Avada Kedrava!

Hail our great Lord Voldemort, he's once more physically here
He has a surprise in store for the coming fiscal year
Cru-oo-oo-oo-oo-cio
Avada Kedrava!

A filk by Iggy McSnurd to the tune of We Three Kings

We Death Eaters are Voldemort's horde,
Wielding wands, we follow our Lord,
Town and village, we claim but not pillage,
All to spread his Dark Word.

Chorus:
Oh Lord of wonders, Lord of night,
Lord who wields the killing green light,
Death evading, cruelly persuading,
Others to fall to his might.

Born a babe, with prophecy's claim,
To defeat Our Lord again and again,
We shall defeat him, thoroughly beat him,
To save our Dark Lord and his name.

Chorus

Crucius Curse to offer have I,
Avada Kedavra to make them die,
Dumbledore's tower, we'll raze him from power,
And raise Voldemort's rule on high.

Chorus

Audio performance here!

CHOIR OF DEATH EATERS:
Crashing through the door,
Looking for Mudbloods to slay.
Killing for Voldemort,
Laughing all the way! (Mwa-ha-ha!)
Spells of red and green,
Bursting strong and bright.
What fun it is to laugh and sing
A slaying-song tonight! (Get it?)

Chorus
Crucio, Crucio,
Sectumsemp-rrr-a!*
Oh, what fun it is to kill
With Avada Kedavra!

repeat

If a Mudblood cur,
You had best beware.
If a blood traitor,
Cross us if you dare!
But if your blood is pure,
You have nought to fear.
Cast Morsmordre, give a scream,
The Death Eaters are here! Oh!

Chorus

Repeat first verse and chorus, and end with abundant maniacal laughter

*Yes, I know Sectumsempra has only four syllables. You gonna tell the Death Eaters that? Consider the extra syllable an extended trill on the "r" (accompanied by an extravagant wand-flourish). :-)

A filk by Tracy Hunt to the tune of The Christmas Song

Sung by the newly discovered Hogwarts Choir:

Muggles roasting on an open fire
DE's cursing at your nose
Mudblood traitors being hung by a wire
And weaklings strung up by their toes

Everybody knows the Trio & the Order, too
Hope to make it a good fight
Mr. Fudge, with his wand all aglow
Will find it hard to sleep tonight

He know that Thingy's on his way
He's leaving lots of pain and sorrow in his wake
And every witch's child is gonna hide
With hope's that Dumbledore's really on their side

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To witches from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Watch your backside, tonight!

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of White Christmas

The Scene: Voldemort sits by a quiet fire smoking his pipe and ponders his next move…..

VOLDEMORT:
I'm scheming how to smite Albus
Cause I'm a no good so and so
If Malfoy should miss him
Then I'll be listenin'
To hear
Snape deal him the blow.

I'm scheming how to smite Albus
With every evil plan I write
May his days be numbered tonight
And may all those kids of his feel fright

I'm scheming how to smite Albus
He never trusted me, you know
Said I was abusive
Somewhat elusive
Made me return things that I stole.

I'm scheming how to smite Albus
With him my plans never work right
May old Dumbledore die tonight
And may all those kids of his feel fright.

A filk by Pippin to the Tune of The Dreydl Song

I had a little Horcrux
I made it from a ring
When Dumbledore destroyed it
It gave his hand a sting

Chorus:
Oh, Horcrux, Horcrux, Horcrux
I've hidden them away
And if nobody finds them
Immortal I will stay.

I had a little Horcrux
I made it from a book
A basilisk fang stabbed it
And covered it with ook.

I had a little Horcrux
I hid it in a cup
That once belonged to Helga
And Hepzibah stored up.

I had a little Horcrux
A locket made of gold
They say RAB stole it
But how remains untold

I had a little Horcrux
It might be in a snake
But living things are tricky
That could be a mistake.

I had a little Horcrux
It might be in the sword
That Dumbledore was guarding
So safely in his horde.

I had a little Horcrux
It might be in a crown
Above that busted statue
Where Harry set it down

I had a little Horcrux
It might be in the scar
On Harry Potter's forehead
But that would be bizarre!

I had a little Horcrux
I laid it on a shelf
And if you want more verses
Just make them up yourself

To the tune of Frosty the Snowman

Enter BAGMAN & CHORUS of WIMBOURNE WASPS

CHORUS
Ludo the Bagman
Has a very checkered past

BAGMAN
Didn't know Rookwood
Was no darn good,
Let me now give my broadcast.

CHORUS
Ludo the Bagman
Has some really heavy debts

BAGMAN
Ludo means "I play"
So I do each day
And I'm having fun, you bet

CHORUS
When Bertha Jorkins vanished after meeting Dark Arts spawn
Ludo did not notice her face was on every milk carton

Oh Ludo the Bagman
Winky says you're very bad

BAGMAN
But it takes all sorts
To play magic sports,
Time to help that Potter lad.

Exit BAGMAN very quickly

CHORUS
Bludgery bump bump
Look at Ludo go
Bludgery bump bump
Bludgery bump bump
Goblins are sure gung ho

To the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas

THE SCENE: The Headmaster's office. Enter ALBUS DUMBLEDORE

DUMBLEDORE
Here's the twelve magic uses of blood from dragon veins:
Cure hoarseness in centaurs
Give hickeys to dementors
Grow hair on bald 'uns
Clean dirty cauldrons
Anti-Nundu potions
Calm troll emotions
Boost Put-Outer output
Brew lemon drops
Mend worn-out socks
Freeze bumblebees
Talk with merfolk
And there's one more I won't now explain

Exit, eyes gleaming triumphantly

A filk Judy Nathanson to the tune of Frosty the Snowman

Dobby, the house elf
Was a ragged mass of groans
Wearing one old dirty pillow case
Wrapped around his weary bones

Dobby, the house elf
Disobeyed his master cruel
Just to try and warn his "hero" of
The dangers back at school

He tried so many tricks to keep
Poor Harry safe at home
But Harry got to school and faced
Tom Riddle all alone

Now Dobby, the house elf
Thanks to Harry was set free
Now he holds his head up high and wears
His socks up to each knee

Dobby, the house elf
Is no longer Malfoy's slave
When you mention Harry Potter you
Will hear that Dobby rave

Harry's a hero, Harry's a hero
Hear that Dobby rave!

A filk by Bandersnatch to the tune of the traditional Hanukkah ditty I Had A Little Dreidl

LUCIUS MALFOY:
I had a little house elf
And Dobby was his name.
When dinner wasn't ready,
Then Dobby I would blame.

Oh, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby,
My elfin slave was he.
He'd polish all the silver
And shine my shoes for me.

I'd make him wash the windows,
I'd make him wash the floor.
I'd make him shut his ears
Inside the oven door.

Oh, Dobby, Dobby, Dobby,
He'd follow my commands,
And if I wasn't happy
He'd iron both his hands.

My Dobby, he is gone now --
That Potter set him free.
So now I'll get my Draco
To shine my shoes for me.

Oh, Draco, Draco, Draco,
A Death Eater you'll be,
But since you're not yet ready
You'll be my new Dobby!

A filk by Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) to the tune of The Twelve Days Of Christmas

On the Elf days of Christmas, young Dobby gave Harry:
Twelve Snitches flying,
Eleven Knuts for buying,
Ten owls off mailing,
Nine Howlers wailing,
Eight Times-a-turning,
Seven subjects learning,
Six Potions brewing,
Five Hippogriffs!
Four coloured robes,
Three DVDs,
Two cheeky twins,
And a copy of HP3!

A filk by Anni to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas

We won't let you enslave house-elves
We won't let you enslave house-elves
We won't let you enslave house-elves
So give them some clothes

Good house-elves, you say, are seen and not heard
They don't question orders and you don't pay them squat

We won't let you enslave house-elves
We won't let you enslave house-elves
We won't let you enslave house-elves
So give them some clothes

A filk by Randy Estes to the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Our house elves drink sherry during Christmas
And they all get tight!
Some plow on
Keep drinking and stay out all night!

Our House elves drink sherry every Christmas
Made the Boone's Farm way,
One season
Our whole crew was found miles away!

There they were in a purple haze
Had not slept for days, outdoors
Found by friends who lived near to us
Helped them catch a bus down shore

Through the years
They all will be together
If the matron allows
Says she'll trade them all for just one Guernsey Cow
But our house elves drink sherry during Christmas now.

To the tune The First Noel

That Mike Newell and his film-making crew
Took out every scene about house-elves and SPEW
When Winky got her clothes, as Bart yelled, "Out my door!"
Is a scene that wound up on the cutting-room floor

No elves, no elves, no elves, no elves
Dobby and Winky got put on the shelf

Poor Winky is in tears, she will not be a star
Dobby will not give weed to the kid with the scar
But worst is the plight of the cinema twins
Without the elves' cooking, they're skeleton-thin

No elves, no elves, no elves, no elves
Dobby and Winky got put on the shelf

Kreacher's waxing wroth and he will cast his hex
If he can't say his Book Five lines in THX
He will conjure up a spell
Based on blackest Dark Arts
Giving 12 Grimmauld Place
Straight to Martha Stewart

No elves, no elves, no elves, no elves
Kreacher requires his cut of the pelf
Kreacher requires his cut of the pelf!

Miscellany

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