With "Normal Again", Buffy creator Joss Whedon constructed one of the most disturbing episodes of the entire series. In this episode, Whedon intentionally broke rules that even the best of writers steer clear of, and in doing so, Whedon adds yet another level of depth to the Buffy universe and to the viewers' emotional involvement.

"Normal Again" originally aired March 12, 2002 with the end of Season Six only a few episodes away. Xander had just left Anya at the alter, Willow and Tara were still split, Dawn had been stealing and getting in trouble at school, Giles had left, Buffy continued to work at the "Double-Meat Palace" while carrying on a secret affair with Spike, and The Trio were adding further complications to Buffy's life. All in all, the Slayer felt as though her world was slowly coming unraveled at the seams.

As Buffy investigates rental homes for signs of The Trio, the three geeks of evil, unleash on her a Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik demon, a evil minion whose poison causes realistic hallucinations in its victim. She is wounded in the fight and immediately experiences her first hallucination - that she is in a mental hospital and that the pain in her arm is being caused by injection she is being given to calm her down.

At this point, two story lines involving Buffy emerge. The first line, which we'll call the Slayer Reality, is the world in which vampires and demons are real, Buffy is the powerful Slayer, Dawn in her sister, and Willow, Xander, and all the rest exist. The second story line, which we'll call the Alternate Reality, is the world where Buffy's mother is still alive, her parents are still together, Dawn and the rest of Buffy's friends don't exist.

For the length of the episode, these two realities interchange at any given moment, and allow the viewer to experience life as Buffy is experiencing it. One moment, she is talking to Dawn, the next moment, she is back in the mental hospital listening to her doctor.

After the opening credits, the first hallucination is over and the demon has escaped. Buffy continues to have hallucinations of herself as a patient in a mental hospital for the next few days before she finally tells the rest of the Scooby Gang. After a bit of research they determine what the demon is and how to counteract the poison. At this point, Buffy reveals to Willow that nine years ago she was attacked by a vampire, and when she told her parents about it, she was forced to spend time in a clinic. It was not until she stopped talking about the vampire that she was released, even though secretly she continued to believe that what she had seen was in fact a vampire.

At this point in the plot, Buffy ask a pertinent question: "What if I never left?" Meaning: What if she was never released from the mental hospital? This question implies, and plants doubts in Buffy's mind, that everything that has happened to her since that first attack has been strictly her imagination. If that were true, if the Alternate Reality were in fact the real reality, then Buffy's mother is still alive and her parents are still married, Dawn doesn't exist, and neither do her friends.

Once the demon is captured in Slayer Reality and securely chained in Buffy's basement, Willow produces an antidote to its poison. Buffy has had more hallucinations, though, and her parents and doctor in the Alternate Reality have convinced her that all she has to do to return home to a normal life is destroy these friends. The doctor then tells of the previous time Buffy successfully escaped from Slayer Reality, and Whedon uses this vehicle to "explain" Buffy's resurrection after her death at the end of Season Five. According to the doctor in Alternate Reality, Buffy had let go of her friends and returned to normal life, only to be pulled back in three months later. This had been an issue Buffy had struggled with since the beginning of Season Six, when in the Slayer Reality she had been pulled out of "heaven". This explanation by the doctor in the Alternate Reality, became Buffy's springboard for her next action.

Before Willow brings the antidote up to Buffy, Dawn sits and talks to her. As Buffy mentally returns to Slayer Reality, Dawn has pieced together that she doesn't exist in Buffy's Alternate Reality. In typical Dawn fashion, she marches out of the room upset and wounded. Willow then enters and gives Buffy the antidote she spent the entire night brewing. With orders to drink it down, Willow leaves.

Buffy, now convinced by the doctor in the Alternate Reality, that none of this is real, pours the antidote out and sets out to eliminate her friends. Buffy attacks her friends one at a time, ties them up, and leaves them in the basement with the Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik demon. Once all her friends are prone on the floor, Buffy releases the demon and stands back to watch.

Tara stops by on an unrelated errand, but once she hears the commotion downstairs, rushes down to help. Buffy stops her, but not before Tara is able to lend just enough assistance to allow the Scooby Gang a fighting chance.

As Buffy watches, she flashes back and forth between Slayer Reality and the Alternate Reality. In the Alternate Reality, her mother is telling her encouraging words. In the Slayer Reality, Buffy is watching her friends fight a losing battle, and this inaction on Buffy's part turns out to be emotionally harder than she thought it would.

In the Alternate Reality, Joyce is encouraging Buffy to fight the Slayer Reality. Her mother says, "You're a survivor, you can do this.", "Be strong.", "You have a world of strength in your heart.", and finally, "Believe in yourself." What Joyce is unaware of though is the personal doubts Buffy had been feeling in the Slayer Reality. Buffy hasn't felt strong, Buffy has been depressed, and Buffy had wanted to give up. Joyce's words of encouragement help Buffy find her inner strength, but in that strength comes through in the Slater Reality. Buffy realizes in those moments that it was her personal strength that got her this far and made her one of the most feared Slayers to ever walk the Earth.

In a tearful moment, realizing that she is leaving behind her mother, father, and any hope at a "normal life", Buffy looks up at her mother in the Alternate Reality, nods her head, and says, "Good-bye." In Slayer Reality, Buffy joins the fight and defeats the demon.

Buffy then drinks what is left of the antidote Willow has made, and for all purposes, we believe Buffy is in the one, true reality - except for the final scene. Moments before the closing credits roll, the viewer is taken back to the Alternate Reality, where Buffy is cowered in the corner, surrounded by her mother, father, and the doctor, who is checking her responses. Buffy is alive but does not respond to outside stimuli. "I'm sorry, we've lost her," are his final words. The camera pans back and the credits roll.

The question Whedon leaves the viewers with is clear: Which reality is real?

An argument can be made either way, and many signposts exists within the Slayer Reality that can be used to indicate that the Slayer Reality is real, but the deeper issue is one explored by many books and movies, including "The Matrix", "Ghost in the Shell", and "BladeRunner" to name a few. How do we know what reality is? How do we know that the "reality" we experience is real and not a figment of our imagination? What can we do to prove that what we believe is real is actually real? If our memories are not real, then how can we know that this very moment is real, because in just a few short breaths, this moment will be nothing but a memory?

Questions raised by this episode and the three previously mentioned movies have been wrestled with by philosophers for thousands of years and may never be answered, but it is important to continue to ask these questions and it is important to seek the answers. Without a sense of place in our world, we are lost, and without a sense of accomplishment, we feel unneeded. Therefore if the reality we believe is real is in actuality not real, but only a figment of our imagination, then we have neither a sense of place or accomplishment and might as well not exist. Who is Buffy without the Slayer aspect of herself? She herself has answered this question in many episodes with statements to the effect that she and the Slayer are no longer separable. She is the Slayer, and the Slayer is she. The role of Slayer is no longer a job, but an ingrained part of who she is and where she fits in this world. People cannot be friends with Buffy and not friends with the Slayer, and people who know the Slayer must know Buffy as well. She has long ago stopped fighting the battle of separating the identities of Buffy and Slayer.

Another question raised by this episode, but one not much discussed in other Buffy fan essays or fiction is: Why does Buffy choose the reality that has caused her the most pain? When given the choice between being "normal again" or returning to a life that has caused her pain, destroyed friends and family, and shows no signs of lightening up, why does Buffy choose the hardest and most difficult reality?

Because in the Slayer Reality she makes a difference. In the Alternate Reality she is just another girl with psychiatric problems. But in the Slayer Reality she has saved lives and made a difference in the world. She is not a hero because she necessarily wanted to be one, but because the task has fallen to her, and Buffy embraces the responsibility so that others don't have to, so that others do not have to suffer as she has. By continuing to exist in the Slayer Reality, Buffy allows others to exist, live, and love. She can do in the Slayer Reality what cannot be done in the Alternate Reality. There is a price to pay, and Buffy has shown that she is willing to pay it.

She also does not want to leave the burden on her friends. By leaving the Slayer Reality, she would force those left behind to take up her slack, something that just is not in her nature to do, and something that could very well get them killed - as she witnessed when she stood back and watched her friends fighting (and losing) the battle with the Glarghk Guhl Kashmas'nik demon.

Whedon asks questions and imparts a lesson with the episode "Normal Again". The questions dealt with the security of reality and how sure we can be about that reality. The lesson is a recurring theme within the Buffy Universe - self-sacrifice and personal responsibility for reasons of love - love of friends and family, and love of humanity with all its faults and all its joys.

Copyright 2004 by Michael Peeples. No portion of this essay may be reproduced by any means without express written consent of the author.