my "Keep In Touch" pages
hey... you there
are you feeling?
can you put it into words?
when you look in the mirror... who do you see?
would you like to know?... would you like to tell?
I'm listening... are you creating heaven or hell?
breathe in... breathe out
here is my hand
open for you... understand?
draw me a picture, sing me a song
set yourself free in this world
share an illusion, share anything
let's get your freak flag unfurled
are you reaching out?
don't give into doubt
we can still figure it out...
I love you...
...
do you?
...
still dreaming... still standing... still headed for that whole new world... still not falling in love again yet, but definitely closer where I live (I live in love)... and closer to opening my eyes to the possibility... peeling the onion... opening the doors... shaving the layers off the shell around the enigma... poking holes in the wall... connecting the dimensions of reality and fantasy and holding on to and holding out for actualizing the quest for the illusion of sharing the whole truth...
do you remember me?...
did you ever know me?... would you?... really... I'd love an answer to that question... dare you risk it?... unconditional trust... who really does?...
children (childinside waves hi :) ... and some pets (Anonanonanon barks, or makes some sort of accomodating sound)... and those called naive (Sysquash growls and Newsbee smiles patiently and O'Bloop giggles and ric closes the parentheses to return us to seriousness)... who really dares?... few truly risk it all or anything close to it... I do... I don't always do it well... I don't always get it right... oh man, do I get it wrong sometimes... I know too well how much it hurts to lose pieces of heart and soul entrusted to another... many years later, it still hurts beyond words... but it is still the only way I know that is right for me... maybe it is an impossible dream in this world, but it is the reality I choose...
the rambling intro is built in by now, you know (well, some of you do... and now, the rest of you do too)... so what about life?... still it begins with...
I've only been coming here occasionally cuz there's so little to update... the physical life is still lonely cuz it's still all work and no play except some word play and my imagination and playing with myself (no, that's not why I removed my clothes... well, not this time, but I'm open to suggestion and playful sensual innuendo is a sure sign of re-awakening so it's very welcome... but seriously {really}, I prefer being without clothes)... I miss sharing... even though I am virtually self-sufficient, almost everything is still more fun when it's shared...
daily life offline is still a challenge and relatively empty... all work, no play... fatigue and starved muses make for ... ... blah... ... sometimes... and I am so tired physically... these days I am feeling the most extreme long term fatigue I've ever experienced... taking it to the limit, to new limits, one more time...
the good news is I'm less down and more resolved than last month and I continue rising on every level (except physically... and yet, I am surviving this challenge so perhaps it's benefits will show after some rest)... there's still little time (see worklife) or positive stuff to share about daily life, so I still neglect deeper sharings... like personal mail... and hugs... and sensory sharing... but the dream survives and I will share (and feel and be) as I used to (even still more better) one of these nights...
see me... feel me... touch me... heal me...
and oh how I'd welcome being saved by the music once again...
so yes I am still at that fork, but more ready to spoon than ever... and the fear of the knife continues to diminish as my inner love re-grows...
but (shudder... sigh... smile)... there is now some music again (and oh, the ever so trembling and bittersweet re-awakening begins)... not just the repetitive radio stations I hear when I am driving the work van, but a portable CD player and a stack of CDs that turned up in my PO box (along with lots of sweets that the childinside hid away)... and more... actual money... (blink) wonderful tangible gifts from a new member of my family who was a stranger just a moment ago...
HUG
and that's the most precious and wondrously wonder-filled gift of all... the giving... the reminder that unconditional caring is real and still exists in this world... the actualization of shared honest love... and that's not all, but it's enough to render me a puddle of mush and cause me to pause for now...
breath in... breath out...
and what of the family in crisis... can they truly be in dire straights after all this time?... last I heard things are a little better in some ways and unchanged in others... there is a roof over their heads and some stability... there may be more responsibility being learned and actualized... the cancer has not won and there are signs of possible remission, though the medical professionals won't use the word just yet... there were a few positive phone calls...
and yet, they are still out of my reach and relatively incommunicato... still only smatterings of information, with key elements still appearing contradictory and unverifyable... so what can I say?... not knowing where they are is even more challenging than knowing they might still be living in crisis... innocent kids don't deserve that, but my hands remain tied... and ultimately, for me personally, not knowing the truth is the most challenging acceptance of all... so...
I continue to believe in the positive...
and I am continuing to continue the process of moving on with my life... healing... rebuilding... and remembering how... approaching some sense of serenity once again... breathing in... breathing out... and biting the bullets and doing what I must do to continue... for I still want to live, not merely survive...
I'll be damned if I lose sight of the rainbows through my tears...
and I am approaching the big change... the relocation... at once tearing my heart to shreds for some dreams may be left behind for good... and some parts of me may be damaged beyond repair... and yet, maybe not... on the flip side, the excitement of change and the relatively infinite possibilities of starting over anew teases from just over the horizon... fatigue and lack of free time keeps me from enjoying or exploring as I'd like to, but that is intended to be part of the changes... time to rest, to be free, to explore the experiences and challenges of the last few years and to create lasting resolution... and a whole new world...
if you want more details about me (you care that much?... I still express and ask your pardon of my disbelief, but... precious and few are the ones who really care), please read through previous KITs and worklife and the journal and the new growth in the rest of the written gardens and add yourself to my address book and other email groups... and then ask what you want to know... and I'll do my best to fill in the details you ask for...
so relocation is still the intention... mostly cuz the weather is holding up well and the extra overtime is available at work, I've moved the move back yet another month... where is still uncertain, as is route to get there, but I remain open to suggestions and I am heading south... and Orlando looks more promising than ever... and I am, within the fatigue and beneath the scowl and above the fears and beyond the pain, very much excited and looking forward to the changes...
once again I bow to your patience and understanding... I hope you accept my appreciation here (in the rare serious moments)... you know who you are... your words are still the air I breath... and even those of you who only write occasionally, it is so much more important to me to hear from you than I say... keep the faith - the light at the end of this tunnel is closer than ever...
riding that train... but it's better than ever (see for yourself)...
please take good care of yourself... and please, keep in touch...
honest love, ric
PS... ...yup, it's a link now... even has an index... seems a PS... can develop a life all it's own in these written gardens... who knows what it'll become when I wake up...
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