my "Keep In Touch" pages
hey... you there
what are you doing?
do you feel the passing time?
who's that in the mirror?... anybody there?
would you like to know?... would you like to rhyme?
yeah I'm full of questions - but hey, it's no crime
please don't give up
we can still achieve the sublime
dreams, huh?... well, it's a whole new world, ya know?... and I'm not even falling in love again yet... but I am starting to remember where I live...
and who remembers me?...
heck, who ever knew me?... really... I'd love an answer to that question... who ever really knows anybody would be the easy answer... believing we know someone means risking trust and risking being wrong which means risking betrayal... few truly risk it all or anything close to it... I do... and I know too well how it hurts to lose... it still hurts beyond words... and still I am moving on, even if at times I am dragging myself against a lot of my own will...
the physical life is still lonely and all work and no play except word play and my imagination and playing with myself (is that legal here?)... and even though I am virtually self-sufficient, almost everything is still more fun when it's shared)... the worklife pages reflect my struggles (or juggles as juggling is much more fun) with real life (whatever tha is)... I'm finally remembering that I chose to dive into these almost unbelievable challenges... and I've chosen to allow them to continue... obviously I had something to learn... I'll let you know when I figure out just what it is I am learnng... but it's good to remember that the last few years of tortures was all part of the calculated plan to understand everything...
no goal too high and all...
just imagine the ego that thought all this up LAM... ok, wait, it's not time to be completely healed yet... that would be a gross misrepresentation of the truth and would require a huge dose of hypocrisy, a massive amount of denial, and a dangerous level of superficiality... not to mention an amazing imagination...
no... truth is I still don't have much to say about real offline daily life cuz it still sucks in most ways... all work, no play... deteriorating body due to fatigue and premature aging and undo stress and unpleasant atmospheres and unhealthy environments and incomplete diet and a malaise of the soul and political corruption and of course, unfairness to local 12, villians, thieves, and scoundrels union... anywho, I'll explain it all one day... all on this itty bitty card...
anyway, it's still a challenge to find time, no less positive stuff to share about daily life in correspondence, so I still neglect deeper sharings... when I resolve more, heal more, and am read to offer more respect, I will reach out personally the way I used to once again... when I am myself again... hoping everyone (or even just that one elusive person) will understand all the babbling...
see me... feel me... touch me... heal me...
I mean, after all this time (years now, and one more time for this paragraph) I am still at that fork, split by the knife, and all I wanna do is spoon (more than ever as I wake up more)... yes, I'm still in the same place (don't leave, it gets better... ummmm, ok, so it's all in my mind... but that's what these pages are all about... all in my mind)... without imagination, there's simply not much to tell about... like I said last time (and the time before), I finally decided to take care of me cuz ultimately, I'd be self-destructive and no help to anyone if I don't... so I save money, the lifeblood of modern culture (and though I'm still searching, I still haven't found a permanent escape) so I can relocate and start a new life somewhere healthier and happier and more fun, but that takes time... and that is what the whole year's been about so far... working and saving and working... this body I continue to inhabit is so very tired for so many reasons... and as I intend relocate sometime in the early Autumn, I intend to include some serious rest and fun time in there... if I am really ready for fun again...
and then there's still family... my chosen dream... my chosen albatross... they're still gone... incommunicato... and still well beyond disfunctional...
and not knowing where they are is even more challenging than knowing they're probably still living in a hell... innocent kids don't deserve that, but my hands remain tied... so I am moving on with my life... healing... rebuilding... and remembering how... striving to actualizing the serenity concept (the one that goes change what you can change for the better and learn to accept what you can not change... or something like that)... so if you really want more details about me (you care that much?... pardon my disbelief, but... precious and few), please check previous KITs so you might have a bit of an idea what to ask about... feel free to ask, but I might not be I the mood to think about some of the unresolved stuff at times... I'd love someone to try to figure out this part of me and not become offended if I dance a bit... you know the song?... he jumped so high... he never looked down...
and I'm still dancing my way, and paraphrasing... so I repeat the words...
again...
I will finally write the hard details of the challenges one of these days, but for now I simply do not have the time or energy needed to do it right... that is, to give it the reverence and intensity and concentration I feel it deserves... so with whatever energy and time is left over from work, I am focused on doing my best to actualize peace and security and serenity and happiness inside me... walk on through the wind, walk on through the rain, and all that jazz... it is my wish to be a positive entity in this life... to leave this world just a bit better for my being here... I don't want to bring you down so I share the positive news... one of these nights, when I am in a tragic mood, I will write the story of family as I've known it... maybe I'm waiting until I can visualize it as a story someone else lived... yup, it's still just not ready to come out right yet...
so have I thanked you for your patience lately?...
probably not... you know who you are... your words have been lifesavers as I've floundered about on these rough seas... and I virtually ignore you cuz you (not too well actually, since I'm often writing to you ion these pages) know me too well and care enough to dig into me and confront me... and you don't like knowing I'm still climbing the mountain cuz you'd rather me enjoy life more... well, me too... it just takes time and I must do it my way... your caring and patience and understanding has been medicine for what ails me as I've been treading water and swimming from ship to ship only to feel the water rise again as the ship sinks... ironically, captain or not, I keep going down with them and some part of me just refuses to sink... maybe it's all the hot air lam... or maybe hope really is the best floatation devise there is... I still believe in love... and belief is a choice beyond reason... and I am still happy with my choices...
so still, inside, the peace remains intact... and the light at the end of the tunnel is still at the end of the tunnel and I am still heading for it...
oh slow moving train
still dragging my brain
I will not lay down on your track
vile poisonous dart
still piercing my heart
I thrust out the knife from my back
cold hard crushing rain
I must be insane
for this is the one real life fact
I'm still alive inside
and my smile is still wide
and for all I've been denied
and for the tears I've cried
and for all the love that's lied
I love the flames burning inside
for they prove
though I have been stir fried
I still haven't died...
yup, it's me... hello... still crazy after all these years... and still dreaming the impossible dream... and for better or worse, still living it... it's my way... and I've got to be me... all song references aside, it's what I do... who I am... still seeing rainbows through my tears... creating rainbows with my tears...
so once again I say it really is this simple... the challenges I've experienced and am experiencing will not destroy me as long as I have a choice... no matter what I lose, no matter what I give away or is taken from me... I have a choice... my choice is to keep the faith in truth and honest love and nothing has changed my mind on this... I want to be happy so I am... there's so much beauty and wonder and pleasure in this world that no matter how much pain I face, I can always find more pleasure... thats my story and I'm sticking to it... some things will not be changed, they are just too dang stubborn... I'm one... and proud of it too...
so please take care of you my friends... and you too strangers, welcome and take care... I hope you check out the rest of my pages and get to know me so we can become friends... and friends, one of these days... I'll be back... with a little help... tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow... and while I'm singing, I'm doing my best to enjoy and make the most of today...
honest love, ric
PS... ...yup, it's a link now... seems a PS... can develop a life all it's own in these written gardens... who knows what it'll become when I wake up...
NEXT STEP ON THIS PATH
you can find more ramblings in the worklife pages and the
journal
if you like rhymes, poems, and creative writing ... you can explore paths in
The Written Gardens
or to Anonanonanon's picture of me, you could stroll in through
The Front Door or A Brief Introduction to Anonanonanon (Me)
see ya J
EMAIL 
EMAIL