...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
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A Journal of Sorts
"to my love I took it down
climbed the mountain and I turned around
and I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down"
~ Stevi Nicks ~
my dreams are so rarely remembered... I sleep so peacefully... but last night I slept so deep the devil came to me... speaking words of wisdom?... down to Georgia, down to Florida, it happens... and all I remember clearly is that the trailer from The Perfect Storm was playing in my head (in wide screen realism with surround sound, naturally) and I was hanging on to some rails on the deck or something cuz I was on the deck of the ship... the power of water... of gravity... of nature... of dreams... ayway, I think it was another typical abandonment and betrayal of trust nightmare (though calling my nightmares nightmares is kinda misleading since I usually enjoy them and they usually inspire something (we shall see, huh?)...
could be just my desire to be known and recognized and appreciated for who I am again... or ego... anyway, I may have been stranded there by some purpose... pourpoise?... somebody is bound to hate my humor... that's what humor is about, plucking nerve endings... hopefully playfully enough not to hurt, but rather stimulate to some reaction... preferably positive...
when was I funny? J
oh, those dire desperate deep bleeding heart self sacrifice titanic far far better thing I've done are real funny dreams (I know, I'm the evil one... shhhhh, maybe nobody will notice if nobody understands) J
what? J
Cheshire what? J
you may have also noticed by now that I don't usually use smiley face in every paragraph (no less line) and since you mayb have also noticed this, you may have also wonder why... but then again, perhaps not J
maybe it's the spanish language station I blindly chose by virtue of being near the center of the dial... if I had a programmable tuner (now there's the tip of the iceberg of a real dream) I'd save it, but I'm not in the mood for the genre it's playing and I'd rather understand more of what's being sung or said since this is the first night I'm turning on the radio since returning to the area... looked at the small pile of CDs and the decision came to me, random radio choice... not that I'm not into the few CDs I have access to these days, in fact some are definite bullets on my personal song charts (which I've recently considered starting to keep again)...
also could be that there were eight male voices in a row and I'm definitely in the mood for a female... voice I mean... hmmmmm, Libbo is apparently waking up... the chapperon (what?... you thought maybe I didn't have one?... so little is actually knows about me... the studies continue and still, so little, so new, the and higher, the fewer) may be needed to keep this website respectable in closed minded circles and other places... somebody, somewhere, better find that funny or we're in big trouble J
next station on the dail is country... broken hearted me song, good words that I didn't... Sarah Micheals... WPCV (or PCB or TC?... don't recall it)... 97 country... advert for Lakeland club... another... appears to be a Lakeland station... a Bartow commercial... deja vu?... too far away, want more local references as turning on the radio was my way of continuing to try to connect with locals... next random turn of the radio dial J
how did they know I was the owner of a lonely heart?... sure, didn't you know?... radio stations are programmed just for you... yes, it is... still, actually, my heart is not nearly as lonely as my mind and body since it's pretty full of wonderful feelings and shares some of them in words regularly (which keeps heart alive when nobody's around... but all this talk of hearts belongs in the heartbeats, especially now that there's two of them) J
skipping merrily along the radio dial (going south, numerically), a classic rock station... long rambling commercials... for Daytona Beach, Orlando, and Kissimmee... WHTQ... I still think radio stations should be used for better purposes (at least better for my purposes)... here's the pitch (I'll program manage if someone will foot the bill)... every city hould have at least one local radio station that focuses on bringing the area together to share some positivity and I don't mean just once in a while or just in downtown watering holes and high energy dance clubs (though I'm happy at least some radio stations find cause to be out there mingling and fascilitating connections)...
I really ought to find my way to sleep... I'm gonna be awakened by the phone in four hours... that's max four and a half hours sleep if I zoned into dreamland right now... you don't have to understand the math, but if you insist I inserted a minimum thirty minute extra sleep period into the morning schedule (thinking ahead in case I don't wake up thinking much)... got a schedule now, aye?... dunno what else to call it for the moment... I've always been sort of allergic to the word plan (scratches under chin) J
and I didn't even finish last week's lifetimes update (I may be including information for ye who haven't made me
hmmmm... headhunter.net?... gonna check it out next time I'm online (gotta get reminder pad next to me here...
. o O ( pause to do something ) O o .
ok, opened pack of index cards purchased a couple of weeks ago (picked up a large monthly p-p-p-pl... pppllleeeaasssssseee... ummm, calendar too {we don't have to discuss what I might actually do with it}... it doesn't start until August, so I suppose that's when I start taking life more seriously? {peak of heat, fine time huh?... could be the next best excuse to put it off until it cools down a bit... excuse me, the budget director [who, come to think of it, if you notice or not, has never actually been given a name that I can recall at the moment] is choking rather dramatically on his gag...
. o O ( pause to do something ) O o .
he's ok now... but I did secure the locks on the closet door and patched a hole he kicked in it recently so anyway, where were we?}... skipping on past the mental felony I commit on myself {hey, there are different laws in my brain... no fear, when the conflict with external laws the prime directive {honesty without harm} tries to assert itself... usually does unless tricked by the devil {hey, isn't this where we came in?} or somebody... ok, so there's an index card next to me with some job related info on it, satisfied?) J
I wonder if I'm cute when I'm testy... I haven't had much feedback on my personality (other than my written personality and I certainly don't have a representative sampling of human opinion if I go by the non-random folk who stumble across my web ramblings or a link to it and find one of the casually dispersed contact info and actually click or call and somehow communicate with me... you know I mean no offense to the wonderful people who keep child and the rest of the party in my head and muses everywhere else company (and very happy, did I mention happy?) in this life, but you are enjoying my perculiar insanity (nuf said?)... or at least you're reading it J
a thousand pardons and thank yous J
seriously, big *HUG* and you know who you are J
enough explorations of neediness for now however... after all, I am focused on offline fun and by dingles no slip (or ship) of insecurity is gonna upset my apple carts, that's for sure... when I want to be insecure, it'll be a whole lot more than my slip showing, I assure you of that as well... also, even... and the stones remind me that I can't always get what I want (seems I've left it on the classic rock station for now)... sigh and all J
by dingles? J
ok, so after diving deeper into myself and the written gardens earlier today, I met Helen (introducing Helena Hunt, of course names are changed to respect privacy and stuff that's not mine {after all, all of life's a play [especially when it's written down a lot] and we but meer players, or something like that... so I'm giving my written life a cast and credits or something like that, anyway, back to Helen) for a little bowling (finding a comfortable ball is a challenge... didn't break 100 the first game but 150-something the second... am I still in a league next Fall?) and then over to a friend of hers house to watch a video (The Talented Mr. Ripley... if you haven't seens it, don't see it stoned {how's that for a review} and let me know what you think of it... I'm not telling... nope, no spoilers here) J
where were we?... I happily met four new people (and two dogs and two cats... well, not brand new people, though one has only been around for four years) who have a beautiful house and pool and huge wide screen TV east of Orlando... long trip (thanks to Helen for driving), but coool people so hopefully we'll bump into each other again one of these days J
still a bit too wired for sleep, but reminder noted J
so before a good evening, the gardens expanded a bit more... check what's new for details... I'll trust you to find your way back here if you want to continue reading my babbling journal-type stuff... after all, the way to keep in touch with me in these lifetimes is to come in through the window find me wherever I may be babbling or sitting quietly (yes I do) at the moment J
you may notice some links around to help you find our way (or get lost) J
three hours to go until the wake up call (just helping someone move, that's all... and upack some... and arrange some... and fill a water bed... and set up the entertainment system... and most of all, just be me {that takes a lot of energy} happy helping someone... oh, and and shop for a futon couch... and maybe some algebra in the evening if I remember where I am, who I am, and why I exist and also can find the math files in the brain) J
still, as two rocking girls and their band of merry mindstrels sing a song about their magic man, my energy level is intensifying even as fatigue increases (Scotty hasn't screamed up from engineering those immortal words dunt know if she can take much more of this, keptin, so perhaps this body will hold together for yet another adventure weekend... I mean week... deep breaths as I trail on off into a whiter shade of pale, I mean barrel of hominids with hair... long beautiful hair)... aiiieeee, crazy lad J
must be why they put the Pink's Hey You on for me J
yeah, can't you see?... I said, can't you see?... I mean what that woman's been doing to me... ok, so I do it to myself, but still there's a lot going on (and not going on... or coming off?) that wants gobs of TLC... oh yeah, it's just coincidence *wink wink*... after all, radio killed the video star, or something like that *nudge nudge*... we wouldn't actually be coming together, right now, over me again, would we?... you know you've got to be free... ho many times do you want to hear it? J
some thoughts have yet to get old J
oh yeah, we bowled (ever so briefly) next to AJ and his girlfriend or wife (they appeared very close)... for you old folk, AJ is one of the Backstreet Boys... he was good with the fans who stopped by and let people take pictures with him after he finished bowling... nice... never know who you might meet at an out of the way bowling alley around Orlando J
so I dunno, maybe dreams don't mean or do a thing... J
