...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...

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2000 HEARTBEATS

I've had my share of heartaches, misfortune and mistakes
occasionally this life has left me battered
but I can't blame no one else, 'cause what I've done to myself
is the only kind of history that matters

yes, I know I have a lifetime coming
but I've got it all figured out
everybody's lonely, everybody's lonely
everybody's lonely, that's what it's all about


~ Harry Chapin ~




and behind the smiles are tears and to those who can read between the lines, thank you (you know who you are) for the hugs... listening to Tom Chapin this week has been both chalenging and cathartic (we're working on the cathartic part)... I miss childrens books... I miss kids stuff... I miss kids...

and behind the tears there are rainbows and rainbows inspire my smile J

sigh... it's a lonelier smile these days... perhaps I shall make time to venture into the newsgroup again... perhaps seeing others feeling and expressing loneliness helps me feel less along... but more I think seeing some wallow and accept helplessness motivates me to get out and share more and put more energy into opening doors and being inviting with others than into wallowing alone...

but if the same old songs are being sung there, well, that's why I haven't looked in since the beginning of April... I seek words of hpe and positivity and inspiration to reinforse my belief that anthing is possible... I don't seek challenges, confrontations, or negativity... so maybe I'll look in... maybe not...

breathe deep the wandering gloom
feel it fill up your room
but don't let it consume
your hopes and dreams

the choice is yours to make
to give or to take
to mend or to break
your plans and schemes

whenever you decide
you'll decide your life
even if you don't know what it means

wishing someone was sitting here right now and looking deep into my eyes, someone who did know what it means, someone read and willing and able to share it... someone who could and would inspire me... someone who could find the way through the maze in my mind and tickle my fancy and convince me she could truly lead us to our mutual dreams... but such mind reading is so rare in the physical reality... it's so easy to find in words though... too easy...

and that's the bottom line to the why I've stayed away from personal correspondence... I know too well how to fall in love in words... or online... romance is so easy in words, but I've still yet to meet someone who could actualize the trust in physical sharing that unconditional love requires... all the confidence and attitude dissolves when you're naked to the core... and if there's even the slightest hidden negativity inside, even the tiniest bit of unwillingness to open up and share everything (and there's the rub, for who has nothing to hide from themselves, nothing repressed, nothing suppressed, nothing but completely open honesty within, ready willing and able to share?... what so easy for children seems to becomes so complex for after learning all the fears and rules)...

so there are fewer heartbeats lately because my heartbeats a little lonelier... maybe a lot, huh?... deeper than it shows... deeper than it goes...



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