...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
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2000 HEARTBEATS
"did you really want to hurt me
did you really want to make me cry
(did you mean to desert me)
(will you ever tell me why)
~ Culture Club (paraphrased) ~
the most sensitive feelings seek private space and free time for release, but alas that is not to be today... so the choice is repress and live more on the surface (risking all the complications and confusions that can cause)... or dig anyway and pull the reluctant feelings up and out (risking the vulnerability and unpredictability of the reactions to of from others)... I can only play the repression game for so long before some inner alarm goes off and ignoring that leads to more risky remporary consequences than either of the other two... but ultimately all paths lead to exposure and reflection and digestion and resolution and moving into today building on the best of yesterday...
for a brief moment last year I touched upon my desire for and experience with family... reaching back into the old computer files, even though they only cover a couple of years out of decades of writing, reminds me diectly of my dreams and the missing pieces of the puzzle I'd like to call my life...
still, as painful as the feelings that come from abandonment and betrayal by those I've trusted most in this life have been, I somehow live on hope (and hope alone at times) and that lets me dig deeper (carefully... slowly) into the feelings and express them as I am healing... the hopefulness appears incorrigible for even when I wanted to give up hpe, it didn't happen... so it seems my heart will survive ad reach out (sometimes reluctantly) no matter what...
it's just a dream sometimes that carries me along, just a thought in my mind that becomes my heart's song... and the words don't always come to explain it as I'd like to, but I keep trying to share it... that's the best I can do...
it's my way to welcome you to my heart (even when it's a mess)... sometimes it feels like a maze and becomes repetitive... but sometimes the reminders are exactly what I want most... to be reassured... to be encouraged... to be nurtured... and sometimes to be seduced, when trust is reluctant... to be told as often as necessary... I care... I want to share... and I still want to know...
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