...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...

... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ... my   "Keep In Touch"   pages ...
2000 HEARTBEATS

"gimme the beat boys
and free my soul
I wanna get lost
in you're rock and roll
   and driftaway..."

~ Dobie Gray ~



entering new space, as temporary and different from what I seek as it is, still inspires me to look inside a bit... even in this very un-introspective phase... I started sorting through some of my writings from the 486 computer years (93-95) and much will find space on the web... eventually... just have to figure out where stuff should go and then make time to add the HTML tags...

so maybe some deeper stuff will flow inspired by the memories of the better years (I didn't have to work for most of the ninties and the first 5 years was about as relaxed and comfortable a life as I've known... it was a wonderful vacation while it lasted, even though it was sometimes very lonely since I didn't meet someone who had as much long term time off as I did back then... I spent most nights out dancing and a lot of time writing to others and myself and it was lots of fun most of the time... guess I shoulda hung in the jet set more) J

maybe all good things do come to an end if you don't balance everything just right, cuz it sure did end... I gave it all away, trusting people who took all they could and I didn't stop them until I was, for that moment, out of everything material and spiritual... sure would be nice if someone would come along to help me out like I helped others when I lived a life of luxury... but then, most people have more sense I guess (anybody see my wry sighing smile?)...

and when I got into a hole, I looked for someone who'd help me dig out of it... and what I found was someone who said they would, but who actually tried very hard to bury me in it... I suppose she saw me as discardable from the start...

and now as I climb out of the darkness of betrayal and abuse, trust is sometimes not as easy as it used to be... sometimes, nothing is... maybe she wanted me to experience this side of life... or maybe she just never really cared... I wish I could find out, but she's gone again... and that is what I must digest now... giving everything inside and out and having it taken and then discarded and abandoned... that's all I've ever really known from those I trusted most... sad and challenging to remember there's always hope...

but I'm still stubborn... I'll hold my breath rather than give up or give in to fear or doubt... I'm not going to stop believing in love or in the truth in your heart... the kids understand... children can feel what is real... and they know they were loved unconditionally... and my heart is always open to any one I've ever loved... I never learned how to say goodbye and I still don't want to... I hope you reach out again someday... for today, I continue to love you (and you know who you are), with or without you... even as I hold my breath and sit staring out the window in a quiet stasis, I'm still very much alive inside...

come to my window



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