...THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ... my "Keep In Touch" pages ...
... HEARTBEATS ... HEARTBEATS ... HEARTBEATS ... HEARTBEATS ... HEARTBEATS ... HEARTBEATS ... HEARTBEATS ...
THE SEARCH FOR FAMILY
(EMERGING THOUGHTS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES ON THE ROAD TOWARD UNDERSTANDING AND CREATING RESOLUTIONS OF PAST CHALLENGES SO THE JOURNEY CAN CONTINUE AND THE SEARCH COME TO FRUITION... STILL IN A LIQUID STATE)
if you do not understand my silence
you will not understand my words...
yeah I know I've used that one before to open one of the journal entries... but it is a fundamental concept I learned early on in this life and here as I explore this new path it is the most appropriate opening I can think of...
today I take this active step towards what I hope will be final resolution (as final as anything gets) of the challenges I've faced in the last few years... when we don't get what we want, when we are lied to or betrayed, when we are abused or abandoned - we have something to resolve... the unfulfilled desire or betrayal of trust or abuse is a burden creating walls of self-doubts and recriminations and confusions until we make peace with at least the experience, if not with the person or people involved (the latter sometimes being impossible as the choice is theirs and if they choose no resolution, there is none with them)...
without resolution, the walls become obstacles to any true sharing or honest love... I believe we are born without these walls and we're taught how to build them by others who have not resolved their inner conflicts and rather have gotten used to their walls and therein depend on these walls for security... it's a false sense of security from my perspective... and it is abusive to thse who do not have walls and yet are forced to conform to the doubts and fears and insecurities and walls... it becomes a cycle of abuse that requires living by unspoken rules and limits...
when a child is born into such a restrictive environment based on what are largely irrational fears and contradictory rules, there are two choices... give up the birthright of an open mind and free heart the innocence of open honesty and peace... and accept the confusing rules and fears and walls... or become the source of conflict by knocking on these walls and reflecting the confusion that the walls are to anyone who does not have them...
I believe all the people I've known as family in this life have meant well... I believe they each had good intentions and did they best the dared do within their chosen limits... I believe it was the limits we choose, myself included, that keep us from achieving our intentions... so the unresolved conflicts, unfulfilled desires, betrayals of trust, abuse, and abandonment I and others have known (and may still know) are usually not intentional harm... in my experience, I believe non of it was... alas, it doesn't hurt much less, but it's still feels good to believe this...
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