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THE SEARCH FOR FAMILY
(EMERGING THOUGHTS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES ON THE ROAD TOWARD UNDERSTANDING AND CREATING RESOLUTIONS OF PAST CHALLENGES SO THE JOURNEY CAN CONTINUE AND THE SEARCH COME TO FRUITION... STILL IN A LIQUID STATE)
"I have a dream
and it's all that I have
right or wrong
what else can I do..."
~ Leonard Bernstein / Stephen Sondheim ~
I've never known any biological family... so my only concept of family is one I've experienced through adoption and choosing people to bond with as family... as each individual does (whether they acknowledge it or not consciously), I've come to define the word and relationships for myself through my experiences...
the adoption experience was ok in that it fulfilled basic health and survival needs, sorta, but there was no deep emotional bonding, no creativiy or passion, and a huge amount of insecurity in that family... I didn't fit in from the start basically cuz I wanted something more than they'd give... something deeper and more intense - much more ethereal security and conscious awareness - much more intellectual stimulation - much more open emotional expression -and much more free exploration of thought, feeling, and the life experience...
what I experienced was a heavily guilt and fear based conformity that demanded inhibitions and limitations I would not accept... hence I was labelled rebel and moody and some more negative names and I was presented with the choice between giving up my inate conscious awareness and my instinctive desires and personality... so I could somehow accept the stringent striving for normalcy and role-playing superficiality and pretentiousness of the adopted family... or reject their ways and accept the isolation that choice brought...
I choose my way and learned to amuse and develop myself independently, borrowing from external interactions and stimuli but not belonging to the clubs... the bond of unspoken insecurity and fear/guilt based limits that demanded ignorance was one bonding experience in which I'd not participate...
made for a very lonely experience at times...
and yet the few times I ventured into the relationships those around me seemed satisfied with I found them so unsatisfying and much lonelier than being alone... not just because they were superficial, but because any true sharing was precluded by the rules... so many rules for sharing, spoken and unspoken, that undermine, obscure, and ultimately prevent sharing beyond the surface...
as I reached out beyond this adopted family I found similar fears and guilt-based limitations to varying degrees... I don't know why people empower fear and weakness and guilt as much as most do... I just know I don't want to and that isolates me... and seems to either scare others or at least trigger their insecurities making them uncomfortable... unless I put on a mask for them that doesn't reflect conscious awareness of their obvious insecurities and chosen limits...
every day is not Halloween for me...
to be continued...
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