RANTS IN MY PANTS
...WHEN I GOTTA GO, I JUST GOTTA GO...
...no one knows what it's like...
!! PARANOIA WARNING !!
...the following rant is may test paranoid levels... read at your own risk...
THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
RANTS IN MY PANTS
...WHEN I GOTTA GO, I JUST GOTTA GO...
...no one knows what it's like...
!! PARANOIA WARNING !!
...the following rant is may test paranoid levels... read at your own risk...
(current generation, circa @2000 A.D.)
some people only see (or read) what they want to see... this thought came to me as I pondered the people who've responded to my babblings here... one example that comes to mind is from my last personal ad that I put on the oneandonly website... realizing it was a site that leaned toward romantic relationships, I emphasized that I was not seeking romance at this time... and still am I asked what my romantic interests are in first contacts... I wonder how people thank they could have any sort of relationships if they aren't willing to (or able to) communicate right from the start...
and using that attempt to reach out for another example of selective reading and miscommunication... the words 'financially secure' must be used in 8 out of 10 personals... so I wrote about money 'I've burned more money than I can count and I did not find what I seek in the material world, so I gave it all away and now seek friends with existential perspectives...'
now what does 'gave it all away' mean?... am I flat broke?... no (but I very well could be if I don't pick up some income before the end of the year)... am I close enough to be called a bum by some?... probably...
the fact is I was living what many would consider a luxurious lifestyle in my own comfortable home without having to work for the first half of the nineties... and the fact is I started giving it all away... handing $30K here, $30K there, helping families I cared for as much as I was able...
and the fact is I was living on the street a couple of years back after letting go of or giving away everything I had materially, physically, ethereally, spiritually, romantically, and every semantic division or description of the human experience I've know or imagined...
and today I am in-between... not sure I want to go back to the material merry-go-round... not particularly looking to go back to the street... wondering if a communal retreat would not be preferable to the rat race...
and yet a few have responded seeming to see only that I had wealth and inquired only about my physical appearance and my financial status... basically ask to burn some more of my money with me, in so many words... and they are serious, trying to be subtle... so many seem so obsessed with money and materials and labels and titles and appearances...
'what do you do?'
as if a person is defined by the work they do for money to survived in this materially warped culture... as if character and integrity and honesty and sincerity and sensitivity and human worth can be determined and classified and quantified by the zeros on a bank statement or by the kind of things you can buy...
'what did you get me?'
hear your kids?... hear yourself?... hear anything at all besides the holy gavel in your brain and the cash register you've traded for your heart?...
am I getting through to anybody?...
go figure... I state clearly that I don't have a photo of myself today and I still receive responses asking for a photo and telling me if I don't send a photo I shouldn't respond... I guess people like to reject other people... why else approach someone like that?... kinda like saying 'since you won't shake my hand, I won't be your friend' to a man without arms...
ok, a rather dramatic analogy, but still...
so on this lonely weekday morning I lament (or vent... or rant?... well, it's not quite a rant... grumble?... whatever, I'll leave these parentheses now before I start giggling... after all, I am serious about my complaint to the human race here) a bit about the superficiality and, from my perspective, misplaced priorities of most people I've met so far in this world... and to make matters worse, how small the scope of the view can be in some minds... anybody out there actually go through life without blinders on?...
sheeesh I hope that by expressing my views and perspectives on the web I might keep away the superficial and pretentious people of this world if they refuse to open their eyes and accept responsibility for being here... seems the communal retreat is more appealing than ever today... why do you judge each other based on appearance and material trappings?... and they are traps... appearance changes... and material possesions trap you into a routine that becomes very challenging to change... and without change, you can not grow... and without growth, you can not evolve and learn and understand and create... you can only vegetate, decay, and die...
and fight over how you do it...
how long do you think you'll be able to keep up this pretense before enough children choose awareness consciously and will not buy into the fear-based control trips and power struggles?... will you even have an inkling of why you self-destruct and try to take all around you down with you?... do you?
damn it people, wake up before you die... you ask someone else to take responsibility for you - how rude... how arrogant... how cowardly... how feeble you are, by your choice... blame it on your god or whatever, but it's your choice... you've written off this life for some dream you spoon feed each other about tomorrow... life is today... you're missing it looking up or down or somewhere else... call it love, whatever, the energy that is life... it's inside of you... you're missing it looking everywhere but where it is...
and you people who claim your Jesus will save you because you believe in him... how unbelievably warped can you get?... so some guy died for you - if I died for you it sure wouldn't be so you could cop out and live selfish frightened lives fighting with each others and feeling like I and everybody else owes you something... you're so disrespectful... the guy died so you can do what?... be hypocrits?... shirk your responsibility to live and share and grow and truly care like your good book says you should?... go pray some more - as if you can't pick up your own two hands and learn how to make life better right now... how to stop hating and condemning and judging and fighting... how to stop hiding behind your holier-than-though words and start actualizing them... he turned your tables and what did you do?... you rebuilt them... no wonder he flipped your tables - you don't even realize he was giving up on you when he welcomed death... forgive them - that's you...
and you're still at it... you haven't changed... in fact you've conveniently used him and his death to justify your greed and insecurity and fear-based judgments, controls, power struggles, and economy... and you people who didn't use Jesus as your scapegoat choose another excuse for shirking your responsibility to yourself and life... you think you're so different?...
long live rock and roll, put another dollar in the juke box baby...
every generation thinks they know better because the generations before screwed up and copped out and flat out lied so much... idealism is truth, love, life itself... most of the time it's burned out of us before we can articulate it to ourselves even... stuffed into cartoons and fairy tales and toys and games that slowly turn into music and films and chemicals and soap operas... escapes from the responsibility to be honest and sensitive and truly alive... when was the last time you kissed a stranger?...
when was the last time you reached out and took someone's hand?... or just looked someone in the eyes and let them know you were really there, really seeing and listening and caring to share something?... when was the last time you offered someone real help?... some of your time and energy to make some positive change in their lives?... how many people carrying heavy loads, fixing something, looking sad or lonely or hurting did you pass by today?... how many people passed you by today as if you weren't there?... do you even notice anymore?... do you even care?...
tell me about your Jesus or Allah or God whatever idealistic holy image you hold up as your light and truth... but first tell me what you did to make life better today?... what did you do to make love real today?...
'what do you do?'
what did you do today?
CREATIVE DISCLAIMER: IF YOU DON'T GET IT, TRY AGAIN OR GIVE UP, THAT
IS YOUR CHOICE... RANTS ARE LIVING, BREATHING, EVOLVING EXPRESSIONS
OF THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS... THE WORDS CONTAINED MAY CHANGE AT
ANY MOMENT TO BETTER RELEASE WHAT'S INSIDE... THAT'S LIFE.
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