RANTS IN MY PANTS
...WHEN I GOTTA GO, I JUST GOTTA GO...
...no one knows what it's like...
Who You Are?...
THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
RANTS IN MY PANTS
...WHEN I GOTTA GO, I JUST GOTTA GO...
...no one knows what it's like...
Who You Are?...
not sure?...
who you really are is a very precious person with a rare gift of literary expression - definitely a poet... and it is a good thing to be... and there is nothing wrong with being as sensitive as you are... no matter how most people in this world reject sensitivity and deep emotions... no matter how conformity shuns vulnerability... the conformists are wrong... the judgemental normalists are wrong... the shallow smiley-happy people are wrong...
anyone who truly sees and feels and is awake in this world finds so much reason for sadness and depressions anywhere they look... people don't really care about each other as the "norm"... people use each other as the "norm"...
reality is in everyday actions... who cares if children starve as long as they have a mealticket - who cares that there's no depth to feeling as long as there's a superficial party to go to tonight... who cares that politicians play monopoly with our hard-earned money and we are thrown into one war or crisis after another by blind fools drunk on power...
caring - facing the real world - facing humanity as it is today - that's the most depressing realization I know... I think anybody who can stay out of the depths and fool themselves into being satisfied with a shallow existence would fight to stay in such a relatively painless bubble... I know I've tried to get there...
oh, I tried... but some of us are not satisfied with the superficial games no matter how much we might think we want to be... how many times have I said "oh I'd settled for that, just give me a chance at it" only to realize I wasn't satisfied... I was not being me and not really happy when I tried settling for superficiality and playing the games to succeed...
it's not success to me... to own a house... to eat well... to have baubles and stuff... to have lots of fawning people smiling for favors... to have so-called friends who don't really know anything about what makes me tick because they never cared to ask... because they are afraid of depths... afraid of rejection... afraid of mistakes... afraid of commitment... afraid of failure...
so afraid of loss they end the chance to win before the game begins... so many good reasons... so rational... so sensible... no wonder it drives us mad... and makes us wonder who we are, what is real, and what it all means...
how many times have we heard it?... nice poem... oh you're so talented... oh I wish I could express myself the way you do... oh oh oh oh oh... smiles and hugs from superficial people with such small minds and frightened hearts they cling to prejudices and anything, even hate, just to hear or read the same superficial words from someone else... just to think they are right, or on the side that is right... choosing sides, making judgments, putting others down so they can feel they have some sense of worth... but the sad truth they try to deny is they just fool themselves and others who want to be fooled...
online, offline, it's the same meaninglessness that passes for caring and sharing for so many... it's fine ego food, but ego is just the surface of who we are... and most people barely scratch the surface... no time is a great excuse, I know, I have no time most of the time... but the real reason for keeping too busy is fear of intimacy or rejection that creates careless expressions and selfish superficiality... anyway, that's how I see it...
so your poem inspired this mini-rant and helped me express some of my frustration with life with humans as it is in this world these days... and frustration with myself for not figuring a way out of the self-defeating loops... and it's dang depressing to accept that true love and deep sharing may be naught but an elusive dream cuz it's so very rare... and it's too darn easy to give into those waves of depression and accept there's no way out but to drown... powerless... helpless... meaningless apathetic procrastinating habits that spin us in circles of despair and give us actual proof that we're going no where so we actually start believing we "can't"...
I refuse to believe in such a wasted reality...
I refuse to believe in a world that misses out on the wondrous experiences of deeper emotional sharing and commitment and empowerment of honest love...
I refuse to accept all the years of proof that it's hopeless...
I refuse to swallow the pain I feel every time I've tried to give unconditional trust only to be let down or worse, used and discarded - rejected... I'll choke on it before I swallow it willingly...
I refuse to believe in my betrayed soul - I will not...
I refuse to give up hope.... the worst wound can heal...
I believe in my dreams...
and I'll live in my own little dream world... one I can create with words... one I can read about and imagine being real and imagine sharing...
maybe someday someone else will come along... it doesn't really matter at the bottom line cuz I'm gonna go on creating my illusions and fantasies and dreams in my words as long as I can... hopefully as long as I live and even beyond, whatever might be beyond... I will not give up on my dream of love... maybe that's madness, but for me, that's honest love...
I will not give up on my dream... for if I do - then I am just like all those who've disappointed and betrayed me... I will not add my own betrayal to the waves of depression... I will drown in my illusions and die deluded before I do...
this has become my testament to who I am...
thanks for inspiring this Bill... you have more worth in my eyes than any words could tell you... and thanks for reading, everybody... and for the few who dare respond, you know...
caring often hurts when there's nobody else around to share it... but not caring is death as I know it... so I leave myself the choice... live and care and feel the longing and hunger and risk the rejections and betrayals and pains... or die...
I choose to live, one more day... and each morning - or whenever I awake from snatches of sleep - I shall choose again...
I wish for each of you a positive choice... I wish for you to see that it is your choice to make... live or die... I hope you choose to live - no matter how much it hurts... I wish I could rub some soothing balm on your pain and help ease it... I wish I could help fill the void... it eats away at my energy like an emotional cancer... but I will not give in... I hope you find the will to not give in...
I believe in you...
give me half a chance and I'll believe in every one of you - for I believe every living being has worth... I wish I had the means and opportunity to prove that to you...
I shall keep trying... for this makes me happy... it does ease the pain a little too... thank you for helping me get here today...
honest love, ric
"cause I'm never gonna walk away
if the walls come down someday
all alone and you feel afraid
I'll be there when you call my name
you can always depend on me
I believe until forever ends
I will be your friend"
~ Amy Grant ~
And Who I Am
INSPIRED BY
and some very judgmental, very small minds met along the way
with influences from the film A Man Without A Face and a few other sources
Ric Candor ©1999
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