My Mom met my father on a blind date and the first date went "so-so", from what I remember my Mom saying…and then my Dad asked my Mom out on a second date [my Dad didn’t remember asking my Mom out on the first date….which I thought was very funny] and my Mom said ”why should I go out with him again….I already went out with him once”….Well back in the early 50’s when you went out on a date you went with another couple and that is how the whole thing started.
My Mom was going through nursing school and my Dad was in the Army and being shipped off to California [my Mom was born and raised in Detroit Michigan along with my Dad] so I guess my Mom and Dad only knew each other for about three months and then decided to get married. They were married on January 26, 1952
My older brother was born in California being the only one born on time…. not early. All the other six kids (she had a total of seven kids....five boys and two girls) Mom had early, except for my older brother, who was born out in California, as she just couldn’t carry us to full term. I was the smallest baby born in 1959 and my Dad said he could hold me in the palm of his hand that is how small I was. It was really touch and go for me….but I fooled them all….I lived!!!!!
While I was growing up in my teen years, I couldn’t stand my Mom we just didn’t get along at all. But I think my sister and her got along worse than us. Now I look back and think of my Mom I think of her as being a Mother who was very sweet….generous….and loving toward her kids and everyone she met. I saw both my Mom and Dad like President Reagan and Nancy Reagan they had a love like no other. My Father and my Mom loved one another very much….and were married 51 years in January of 2003. That is a long long time for anyone to be together and love like they did.
When my Mom was diagnosed with Inoperable Lung Cancer May of 2001 it was the saddest day in my life finding out that she had this and worst of all that it was inoperable so that they couldn’t operate on her lung to take the tumor out. I didn’t want to go out to see her but my brother called and said that Mom wanted to see me and the girls….or whoever wanted to come out. So I drove out there and when I saw her I just broke down in tears…and said how sorry I was for this to happen. She just kept saying…it is going to be okay Eileen. Don’t worry. But as I looked at it….It wasn’t going to be okay…we were going to loose my MOM and she wasn’t going to be there to talk to me every day or three or four times a day….[we were always on the phone with each other] and my kids were going to loose their Grandma…the best Grandma that anyone could ever want or need. She would do everything with my kids…she would have them over night and treat them to the dairy queen ice cream cones after their supper and my 10 year old still remembers this to this day how much fun she would have with Grandma.
While Mom was seeking out the best treatment she and Dad were at odds with some things….’cuz’ Mom didn’t want Dad to stir thing’s up and Dad just told Mom to sit and be still….and let him handle this! My Dad was all ready for a fight with the doctor’s. [From that day on my Dad and our family found out something very important and that is this….when you have something like this cancer going on inside your body YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT IN YOUR OWN HANDS and seek out the best doctor for YOURSELF].
When mom went see her oncologist in Michigan, he started her on this chemo [and the doctor wouldn‘t refer Mom to another doctor or hospital]….which didn’t do any good (from what University of Michigan said). Mom and Dad finally got to the U of M (after two months of fighting with the oncologist to have him refer them) The doctor said he was too busy…and that HE DIDN’T HAVE THE TIME….boy, when my Dad heard this…he really lit into the doctor…telling him…WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T HAVE THE TIME….YOU SAID MY WIFE DOESN’T HAVE 3 MONTHS TO LIVE…YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD…SHE DOESN’T HAVE THE TIME!!!! So after this blow-up that they had the doctor finally gave them a referral. If the doctor hadn’t given a referral us kids were going to take our kids to the doctor’s office and just sit there and let the kids destroy the office and then leave and do it daily until something was going to happen. My Dad retired as a well-known attorney in our city in Michigan. So he knew how to get things done.
Mom & Dad went to U of M and the doctor’s down there said the chemo wasn’t working and that if they needed a referral from the doctor at U of M, they would help in any way possible.
When they came back to home from Ann Arbor, Michigan they got to calling people and one of their good friends told them of a clinical study at M.D. Anderson Cancer Clinic in Houston Texas, that was dealing with all types of cancer including what Mom had.
They talked to their best friends [when they moved here in 1953 they met Senator Griffin and his wife Marge, who became their best friends] Marge told them that she had a nephew that worked as head of the Pharmacy Department down at M.D. Anderson Cancer Clinic in Houston Texas. So Marge made a few phone calls and the next minute we found out that Mom is indeed accepted into the Clinical Cancer Program at M.D. Anderson. It takes months to get into a hospital like this…but Dad figured it all out and sure enough they were down there on after Sept. 11, 2001. They were to fly out of Detroit Airport on Sept. 11th and then all the flights were cancelled and so they had to drive down. Dad drove like “a bat out of hell” as Mom put it. But they made it.
Mom was put on a chemo treatment and some other stuff….C-225 [also called “Erbitux”] Mom was treated for lung cancer initially with C-225 from September 2001 until May 2002. It was administered in conjunction with chemotherapy with the result that her tumor was reduced by over 50% in size and has since remained stable.
She was switched to Iressa in September of 2001...because she had been kicked out of the clinical trial cuz she had developed tumor’s on her brain. Mom and Dad had a villa down in Naples, Florida and that is where they were to live until these treatments were done….and us kids missed them terribly! We wanted them to come home so bad.
Then in May of 2002 Mom was finally allowed to come home and stay with us…. we had a big party for her…. I called it the CELEBRATION OF LIFE PARTY.
While all this was going on with Mom having her treatments down in Houston Texas. I decided to get a hold of the FDA in Washington D.C. and got a e-mail from this very nice man…his name is Dave and he wanted me to call him….so I did and when I heard his voice he told me to give me our phone number and he would call me right back cuz he wanted “Uncle Sam” to pay for the phone call….so that is what happened. I just asked him when this C-225 [Erbitux] was going to be approved by the FDA or something better than that. As I found out Dave is a pharmacist in the FDA so he knows a lot about the drugs and when they will be approved and where to look etc. He helped us out so much while my Mom was going through this terrible thing called “cancer”. While I had kept in contact with Dave I sent him all of my Dad’s e-mails that I had received and that was A LOT OF E-MAILS. As my Mom would of said…Oh Eileen leave the poor devil alone he has enough to do without you sending him e-mails.
When Mom and Dad found out what I had done with contacting the FDA they said they weren’t surprised at all….that I had real GUTS and as I told Mom I would of done it again in a blink of a eye if it were to happen again….cuz I really love you Mom. She just looked at me with tears in her eyes and gave me a nice hug and a kiss.
While my Mom was lying in her bed dying we had many talks and she told me to keep a close eye on my sister and help her a lot…and I said I would and to this day we have been there for each other. She is my best buddy and my best friend. The last time I talked to my mom, just the two of us, for about a half hour...and it was really nice. I just told her that I loved her so much and that I was going to miss her when she went.... but that I would always have her in my heart.... and she would be helping us from up above. She and I just held each other and she told me not to worry that everything was going to be okay. She is such a strong person...I also told her that if I could I would take that cancer away from her so she could live and give it to me. She just gave me a hug and said she was so very proud of me and that she loved me. This sort of thing that people deal with either bring families together or tear families apart…and for us it has at least kept some of us together cuz we promised Mom.
There are many e-mails that I have saved and that I could enter into this story but there is just one that I would love to share with you all….it is from my Dad….he says this:
Dear family and dear friends,
While truthfully I would rather avoid the task of reciting the following in detail I recognize that an obligation is owed out of love to provide you with the details of Marian's last events. Please forgive my inept failures in attempting this task.
You will recall that in our home in Naples on the last Sunday in April Marian unexpectantly lapsed into semi-conscientiousness and had to be taken to the Naples hospital ER. The physician there apparently believed she should then be permitted to expire although at the time this was not made clear to me. Had it been, I would not have agreed, as I knew she wanted to spend her last hours with her children. She was resuscitated and gradually began to regain awareness. I advised the hospital staff that I was going to take her home to Traverse City and, with their help, made arrangements for an ambulance plane from Naples to Traverse City [As most of you know Traverse City is located in the far northwest area of Michigan's lower peninsula] We arrived at the Traverse airport at 3:30 a.m. on Wednesday April 30 and were met by our children who carried Marian from the plane to a bed in a van and drove her to our home. Our children had arranged for Hospice care at our residence and the next morning visiting nurses and other expertise began providing for Marian's every care.
All of our seven children and each of 23 grandchildren came to visit and talk with Marian daily. Some days there was close to mob scenes. Our son Dennis arranged to come over from Canada and his wife, Annet, stayed one of the nights to share in the care for Marian. Each night I was joined by several of our children who scheduled themselves to spread the responsibility to help me nightly with her care. Thus, each day and night one or more of our children joined me with caring for Marian here at our home.
Actually, after we returned from Naples Marian seemed for a few days to improve and, at her request, we moved her from the hospital bed in our home to our bed in our bedroom. She was fully conscious and despite her pain with the help of the various medical procedures she was even able to go to a doctor's appointment.
Under Hospice guidance our family established a routine for Marian's medication and care and was able to protect her from excessive pain through provision of strong pain medication. So for perhaps a week we enjoyed a period of limited euphoria during which the entire family shared in giving Marian their love and expressions of affection and support.
She began to develop bedsores and, in an effort to protect against this problem, a routine of shifting her body's position was adopted. In the course of that procedure one day she was asked to move her leg so that she could be rolled unto her side. She had just previously stated that she felt some discomfort in the leg. As she adjusted her leg we heard a loud snapping sound at the same time she uttered a cry of pain. As it turned out, just through her own movement of her leg Marian had broken her hip and upper thigh, probably due to the cancer invasion of those bones. From that moment on she experienced and continued to experience until the end terrible pain from that fracture.
Immediately after the fracture, she was taken to ER by ambulance where the hip fracture was confirmed by X-Ray and CAT scan. The attending surgeon and internist discussed the alternatives with Marian, myself and our daughters who were there. The choice was a hip replacement operation which, if successful, would [after some weeks of rehabilitation], remove the hip pain or on the other hand, as the alternative, accepting the situation as it was. The physicians were clear is stating that because of Marian's precarious health it was very unlikely that she could survive the hip operation. I was already convinced of that conclusion myself independently. -So it came down to a question whether Marian would die within hours as a by-product of the hip operation or leave the fracture untended and survive for days, weeks or whatever and somehow deal with the terrible pain of the fractured hip.
Marian told the doctor that she did not want to be a burden to her family and that we might as well say "goodbye to Marian", in her exact words. She turned to me with a pitiable look, so defenseless that it will be burned forever into my memory, and asked what I wanted her to do. Our daughters and I, unhesitatingly told her we wanted her to come home and that we would take care of her. She agreed to that.
From that point on throughout this period until her death every movement of her body caused her grievous pain, which she endured with incredible stoicism. When they were moving her unto the bed in her hospital room she groaned and then caught herself and called out to the lady in the adjoining bed in the room, apologizing for the disturbance so late at night. [I recognize that, even in reciting these events, it would be easy to over dramatize what occurred. But, in truth and honesty, I can tell you ---- as in her life ---- she continued throughout being concerned about others and not herself.]
So she was brought back to our home with the broken hip and specific, generous instructions as to the provision of pain medication. Out parish priest called on her and gave her the rites of our faith. She was also visited on several occasions by our parish nun with communion. The family established an agreed upon schedule for around the clock oversight and care. And she seemed to fare well for a period of days. Then on Sunday in the very early hours of the morning, May 18, Marian's pain began to greatly increase. I was up all night with her unsuccessfully attempting to keep the pain medication ahead of the pain. I called the on duty hospice nurse about 4:00 a.m. and was advised to triple the medication. Finally, it began to take hold but, of course, the side effect was to make her semi-conscious. At daybreak I called the children and told them I thought she was nearing the end.
The family all gathered. Marian's sister Eileen was able to drive up from downstate Michigan and arrive timely. The children and I took turns all day caressing her and reassuring her of our love and of the certainty of God's protection. She veered in and out of communication as the day progressed. Then, towards the end of the day after the children had been urging her not to continue in her pain but to go in peace, she summoned them together and asked them to promise her that they would love each other and help each other and, further, that they would take care of their father. They assured her of their agreement to do so. She seemed to rouse herself and looking directly at them asserted strongly, "you promised." And they reassured her of their commitment. Then, she turned to all of us and said, "Be brave."
She ceased her struggled breathing at about 8:00 p.m. Sunday evening. Her funeral was held on Wednesday at our small parish out in the orchards. Among the many friends and all her family present at the funeral home and at the funeral Mass were the Vietnamese family members she had helped as well as our Vietnamese son, Ba Van Mai, all of whom had driven up from Texas to be with her.
Marian was buried in a beautiful tiny cemetery among the blooming cherry trees. It was where she told me she wanted to be.
There is a schmaltzy Irish song which recites ---
appropriate to my love for my Marian:
"it was not just her beauty alone that won me ---- ah, no, t'was the truth in her eyes ever dawning that made me love Marian,
the rose of Tralee."
Marian Jean Shaughnessy Hubbell
1930 - 2003
