My Grandma, Eleanor AGE 79
My grandmother, Eleanor Furphy James, was an amazing woman and very close to me. She was born in 1924 in Walsenburg, CO. She was raised in a very large family where her father was the town coroner and mortician.
My grandparents moved from San Diego to Colorado Springs in 1989. My grandma had some medical problems relating to her heart and lungs for the past few years. She had been a smoker since her teen years and was not able to quit. She had to wear oxygen because the altitude was so high where she lived and she had difficulty breathing. In 2001 she tripped over her oxygen line and fell. She broke her hip and shoulder and spent a month in a rehabilitation center. I convinced my grandparents to move back to California so I could help them and they agreed. Upon their arrival I learned from my mother, that doctors in Colorado had found a mass in my grandmother’s lung. It was very small and they were not sure what it was. They said it could be scar tissue from a punctured lung a couple of years prior.
In 2002 I took my grandma to have an MRI at UCSD in San Diego. The test confirmed that the mass had grown a small amount. They suspected cancer and requested that my grandma have a bronchoscopy. My grandma refused and said that she did not want any treatment. She said that she wanted to live out what time she had left as happily and healthy as she could. She believed that chemotherapy would kill her. She was a small and frail woman and did not believe that her body could go through chemotherapy. My mom informed me regarding all of this information because my grandma did not want me to know. She knew that I was a sensitive person and was afraid of upsetting me.
Learning that my grandma had cancer was devastating to me. We were very close and I could not imagine life without her. We had this unique and incredible connection. I could always go to my grandma when I had a problem and she would help me through it without judging or getting angry at me. Often, we did not have to even talk to one another. Just being in each others presence was comforting for both of us. My grandma adored my daughter, Haleigh. (Now age 12) They were close as well. It upset me tremendously that my grandma would not quit smoking and that I knew it would ultimately lead to her death. I have never smoked and it is difficult for me to understand the addiction.
Over the next months Haleigh and I spent a lot of time with my grandma. She looked like she was feeling good and would drive herself to the casino once a week. She also picked my daughter up from school each day. Back in December of 2003, I noticed that my grandma would get really short of breath when we would be out shopping. This really scared me. I became very good at pretending that she was not getting worse. At the beginning of this year (2004) she would say little things to me that indicated that she knew her time was short. She told me that she did not want me to have another baby because she would not be around to see it. She would then correct herself quickly and say that she meant that she would not be able to help me with the baby because she was too old and that she would be around for a long time.
In March of 2004, I noticed that my grandma was not doing so well. Her breathing was getting more labored and she needed help with the grocery shopping. My grandpa took over many tasks at home or asked me to help with them. She stopped going to the casino but said it was because she was tired of going. One night in April, she started acting strangely. I tried to get her to go to the hospital but she refused. My grandpa took her to the doctor the next morning and they discovered that she was oxygen deprived. She had not used her oxygen during the day since they had moved back from Colorado. We had her keep her oxygen on at all times which helped her to get back her mental faculties. I had to start helping my grandma shower during this time as well. This was very difficult for her because she said that her mother had to take care of her grandmother and it almost killed her. I told her that she took care of me all of my life and now it was my turn.
In April of 2004, grandma spent most of her time in bed. She would get up to go outside to smoke 3 or 4 times a day. Taking care of her became very difficult for me because I work and commute 2 hours a day. I asked her if she would like hospice to help us. She refused and said she was not ready. By mid May my grandma started telling us she was in pain. She said that her back hurt all of the time and she had difficulty sleeping. She was becoming more and more confused. She knew at this point that I was aware of her cancer and actually admitted to me that she had it. She had been in denial about it for months according to my mom. She told me that she wanted no services when she passed and that she wanted her ashes scattered somewhere pretty. This was very difficult for me to hear and it was hard for me not to cry. I told her I was afraid of being without her. She grabbed my hand and said “I will always be with you, just like your right arm.”
My grandma finally accepted help from hospice. She had a couple of nurses that would come twice a week to try and manage her pain. This was difficult because she was down to about 90 pounds and the Fentanyl patches are absorbed by body fat. She was also on Oxycontin and Ativan. My grandma was not eating. I bought her a shake each day on my way home from work and prayed that she would drink just a little of it. The hospice people were wonderful! They really helped us address issues which came up regarding my grandma’s care. I cannot express to you how wonderful hospice was.
On June 9th, I came home from work to find my grandma really incoherent. She knew who I was but did not make much sense about most things. She kept telling me she was ready to go out in one breath and in another, she wanted to go home. This was very distressing to me. I started crying and she told me she was okay and to stop. My mom came to help me take care of her. She lives 100 miles away. This was very comforting to me because my mom is a respiratory therapist and knew exactly what was happening. She had also told my grandma that she would not let her be in pain. She discovered my grandpa was giving the Oxycontin incorrectly and fixed the problem. My grandma spent the next few days out of pain and asleep. We had to wake her to give her pain medication. On the 11th I woke my grandma and told her I needed her to listen to me. She shook her head and I told her she was dying and that Wayne (my husband), Haleigh, and I would all be okay and that it was okay for her to go. She shook her head in acknowledgement and grabbed my hand and smiled. Grandma passed away on Monday, June 14, at 10:32 am. My mom, grandpa and I were with her.
I miss her more than I could have ever imagined and am having a very difficult time. She was such a beautiful lady and I feel privileged to have spent almost half of my life with her (I am 35). Most of my friends never even knew their grandparents. I feel bad for my grandpa because he was with her for 45 years. I try to keep him busy and visit him each day. I am very bitter about smoking and what it does to families. I do take comfort in knowing that my grandma said she would always be with me and I believe this with all of my heart. I am also glad she did not suffer for a long time even though I know she hid her pain from us for as long as she could.
