(the stage is empty and silent for a moment, when the voice of HERACLES

is heard singing off stage, off key, and off color; enter SERVANT
from the palace)

 SERVANT
I have seen visitors come and go in my time,
from every part of the world, to the house of Admetus,
and I have served them dinner; but I have never
received a more improper guest than the one we have now!
First, he barges right in through the gates of the palace,
in spite of the fact that the Master is clearly in mourning;
and then, without a token of self-restraint
in the face of the obvious circumstances around him,
he grabs whatever we offer, and if there is anything
we don't bring him at once, he roars his displeasure.
He drank all that wine, so fast, and now he just sits there,
a wreath on his head, braying like an ass.
You can hear two kinds of music now: his off-key,
out-of-place, loud, insensitive party songs,
and the quieter hymns of mourning sung by the servants.
Of course, we aren't allowed to show our sorrow;
that was strictly forbidden by King Admetus.
And so my job is to make this clown feel welcome--
this back-alley thief, this stinking pirate, this "guest"--
while the Lady Alcestis has vanished and left us alone.
Her hand is gone, the hand that was like a mother's:
she was the one who softened her husband's tantrums
and spared us countless troubles. How could I not
despise this unfit guest with his untimely visit?

 (enter the drunken HERACLES
from the palace, a wineskin over his shoulder and flowers in his hair)

 HERACLES
Yo! Why so melancholy, babe?
We better lose that frown, mister: we have company!
Your Master's friend shows up, and you're all sad
and ugly and mean, for no good reason. Hey!
Come over here, and lemme tell you something.
You think you understand the meaning of life?
I don't think you do. Now listen to me.
The meaning of life means "Everybody Dies."
You never know if you're gonna wake up tomorrow.
You never know what Fate is gonna do,
I don't care how smart you think you are.
Not many people know this, but I'm gonna tell you
the seven secrets of life, my little friend.
First, you gotta eat, drink, and be merry.
Second, you gotta be nice to the goddess of Love.
The other six I forget, but you get my point:
now, am I right or what? I think I am right.
So are you gonna wipe that frown off your ugly face
and join me in a drink? Here, take this flower.

(puts it in SERVANT's hair)
See there, how much better you look already?
Come on, have a drink! Forget your troubles!
Don't be like some sorry, pompous ass
who thinks that life is a bitch and then you die:
Life is life! We are only human; let's live it!

 SERVANT
(removing the flower) Quite. We're well aware of all this "wisdom".
The circumstances at the moment, however,
make it wrong for us to join your party.

 HERACLES
Do not take it so hard! The lady is dead,
but she wasn't one of the family; just be thankful
Alcestis and Admetus are still alive.

 SERVANT
Alive? How can you possibly be so ignorant?

 HERACLES
I'm not, unless Admetus told me lies.

 SERVANT
He is too generous --far, far too generous!

 HERACLES
I have to leave because some stranger died?

 SERVANT
Oh, she was a stranger in this house, that's for sure.

 HERACLES
Something is going on that he didn't tell me...

 SERVANT
Please, sir, never mind. Our pain is for them.

 HERACLES
This isn't really about the death of a stranger...

 SERVANT
No. If so, your behavior wouldn't have mattered.

 HERACLES
Am I the butt of some joke on the part of my hosts?

 SERVANT
Your timing is just bad. W'ere not fit for company.

 HERACLES
Who died? Not one of the children, or Admetus' father?

 SERVANT
Certainly not: Admetus's wife is dead!

 HERACLES
(losing wineskin, flowers, and drunken fog)
How could you let me carry on like this?

 SERVANT
He was ashamed to turn you away from his door.

 HERACLES
Poor Admetus, what a wife you have lost!

 SERVANT
We're all dead now, not just the one who died.

 HERACLES
I should have known when I saw the eyes and the hair
and the tear-stained face; but Admetus kept on protesting,
talking about this funeral for some stranger!
So I came in, knowing I shouldn't have done it,
and took him up on his generous hospitality.
While my friend was suffering, I was drinking
and putting these flowers on like a goddamn fool.
I wish you'd told me what was going on.
Where did they take the body? How can I find her?

 SERVANT
You'll see her grave by the side of the road to Larisa,
just as you leave the outskirts of the city.

(exit into the palace)
HERACLES
Heart and hand, don't fail me now. There's one more
labor I have to perform as Hercules before I go.
Admetus's wife just died, and I've got to save her;
I've got to bring Alcestis back alive!
The Death god's easy to spot: he'll be the one
all dressed in black, with fresh blood on his breath.
I'll give him a hammer-lock and a strangle-hold,
and make him a deal: either he gives her up
or I break his neck and tear out both his arms.
I don't think we'll have any trouble with him.
I'll be here with the Queen before you know it,
and give her back to the greatest host in the world,
my friend, Admetus, who took me in and fed me,
right in the middle of planning his own wife's funeral.
Where could you possibly find a better friend?
And who deserves my friendship more than he does?
He deserves to know he has as good a friend in me.

 (exit stage left; the stage is empty for a few moments, and then the funeral procession [except for THANATOS] returns, stage left, without having met HERACLES)