Funny Recipes

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." ~Calvin Trillin

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Recipe for Chicken Cake ----------------------- 1 - banana 2 - breasts 1 - cherry 2 - legs 2 - nuts 1 - tender chicken Take tender chicken in your arms, take two hands full of breasts and hold gently. Take two legs and spread apart. Drop banana in, stir until banana creams, cherry pops, and nuts crack. Let cool.... if cake rises, leave town.

"I like children - fried."

~WC Fields

Hostages "Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds. I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing." ~Denis Leary

His First Time

He laid her on the table, so white and clean and bare
His forehead wet with beads of sweat, he rubbed her here and there
He touched her neck and then her breast, then drooling felt her thigh
The slit was wet and all was set, he gave a joyous cry
The hole was wide, he looked inside, all was dark and murky
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms......
and then he stuffed the turkey..!!

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol." ~Steven Wright "Personally I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get." ~George Burns "I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." ~Rodney Dangerfield "I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead." ~Woody Allen "Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds." ~Joan Rivers "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." ~Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show). "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." ~Jim Carrey Why did the chicken cross the road? DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone RONALD REAGAN: What chicken? FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please? COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one? When translated into Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off".