Basset Humor and More

Kind of a Shaggy Dog Story from Karen Fetter

Smart Basset

A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the Basset. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The Basset put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The Basset barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?" The Basset pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The Basset barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The Basset then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the Basset's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart Basset you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

Karen and Jake

We All Need Someone Who Understands

  Puppies for Sale

    A store owner placed a sign above his door that read "puppies for sale".
Signs like that have a way of attracting small children, and sure enough,
a little boy appeared under the store owner's sign.

    "How much are you going to sell the puppies for?" the boy asked.
The store owner replied, "Anywhere from $30 to $50".
The little boy reached in his pocket and pulled out some change.
"I have $2.37", he said "Can I please look at them?"

    The store owner smiled and whistled and out of the kennel came
Lady, who ran down the aisle of his store followed by five teeny, tiny
balls of fur.

    One puppy was lagging considerably behind.  Immediately the
 little boy singled out the lagging, limping puppy and said "What's wrong
with that little dog?"

    The store owner explained that the vet had examined the little
puppy and had discovered it didn't have a hip socket.  It would always
limp.  It would always be lame.

    The little boy became excited.  "That is the puppy I want to buy".
The store owner said, "No, you don't want to buy that little dog.
If you really want him, I'll just give him to you."

    The little boy got quite upset.  He looked straight into the
store owner's eyes, pointing his finger and said "I don't want you to
give him to me.

    That little dog is worth every bit as much as all the other dogs and
I'll pay full price.  In fact, I'll give you $2.37 now, and 50 cents a
month until I have him paid for."

    The store owner countered, "You really don't want to buy this little dog.
He is never going to be able to run and jump and play with you like the
other puppies."

    To his surprise, the little boy reached down and rolled up his
pant leg to reveal a badly twisted, crippled left leg supported by a big
metal brace.  He looked up at the store owner and softly replied, "Well,
I don't run so well myself and the little puppy will need someone who
understands!"

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You Know You Are Owned By a Basset When You Became a -

  Honorary Basset Slave

I know now I have earned the highest Basset status of being a devoted slave.

A few nights ago around 2:30 am. Daphney started to call to us with an occasional Woof which grew more frequent as we tried to ignore her.  Finally I got up to see what was up.  Well, I found her laying on the family room rug just woofing.  When she finally saw me, she rolled over and you guessed it, wanted a belly rub.  After giving her the much needed belly rub, back to sleep she went and all was well for the rest of the night.  Of course I told a couple of my non-basset owned friends and they think I'm totally crazy to have gotten up in the first place, let alone give her a belly rub.   But then they don't know what it's like to be loved by a Basset and love one back.

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  Why Bassets Won't Use a Computer

1. Can't stick his head out of Windows '95.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3. Too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
4. Can't help attacking the screen when he hears, "You've got mail."
5. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
6. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway he's browsing www.purina.com instead of working.
7. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of the question!
10. Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
11. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!")

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Titles

Most of us know about the great titles your dog can earn through the American Kennel Club and other organizations . . .

We all are familiar with the:

CH (champion),
CD (companion dog),
CDX (companion dog excellent),
UD (utility dog),
UDX (utility dog excellent),
TD (tracking dog),
TDX (tracking dog excellent),
OTCH (obedience trial champion) and so on ...
Well some of the dog owners out there in cyberspace have a few of their own titles that even your dog can earn - without any special training! Most are naturals.

Here is a list of just a few of them:

AD (attention deficit),
ARB (ace refrigerator bandit),
BW (butt wagger),
BWX (butt wagger excellent),
CC (cat-courser),
CCX (cat-courser excellent),
CP (couch potato),
CPX (couch potato excellent),
CSX (counter surfer extraordinaire),
DM (Drool Monster),
DMX (Drool Monster Excellent),
GFIY (go fetch it yourself)
IDDI (I didn't do it),
ILF (I like food),
ILLF (I like lots of food),
IWFF (I work for food)
LD (lap dog),
LDX (lap dog excellent),
TBF (thick but friendly),
TGS (terribly good snorer)
TGAN (terribly good at nothing),
TSIM (that seat is mine),
TTIM (that toy is mine)
UNCD (under the covers dog),
UNCDX (under the covers dog excellent)
WM (who me ?)
BD- Bed Dog,
BDX- Bed Dog Excellent,
BHD- Big Honkin' Dog

And MY personal favorite...
SODDI - Some Other Dog Did It!

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The Basset Rules:

1. The basset is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the basset is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The basset is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The basset can get on the old furniture only, but has to stay off the new couch.
5. Fine, the basset is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the basset is allowed in the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The basset can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The basset can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The basset can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the basset.

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Does your dog own you?

When eating in a fancy restaurant do you pick up your plate when you are finished eating and put it down on the floor out of habit before you remember where you are?

When you get a whiff of canned dog food as you open it up do you have the thought "Hm that smells good"?

When you greet a small child do you have an urge to rub its belly and pat its head and say "What a cute puppy"?

Rhoda Moore and Daisey and Basil
Middle Sackville, NS

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Two can play at that game

Kirby is my first basset and never fails to amaze me.  When we go for a walk he always does the "flat dog, not moving" routine at least a few times. This is only encouraged by passersby's who think it is extremely amusing.

So......lately when he "crashes" on the sidewalk and refuses to move, I just drop the leash, say "Bye Kirby", walk a few houses down the block and duck into a doorway (there are plenty of doorways since I live in San
Francisco).

When Kirby loses sight of me, he jumps up and runs to find me, and we go on our merry way.

Yesterday when he "crashed" I walked a few houses up and hid in the doorway. I heard him get up, but then silence and no Kirby in sight.

I panicked and walked back up toward where I had left him.  He was standing in the doorway next door to where I was, wagging his tail and looking very proud of himself.

I laughed all the way home!!!!

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Because of Previous Gladness

There was a little Basset once,

So long she had no notion,

The time it took from head to foot

To register emotion.

And so it was that when her face

Was filled with tears and sadness,

Her little tail kept wagging on

Because of previous gladness

(Anon)

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Foster Follies - In Memory of TBO

The Foster Follies were playing in our town last night. For those of you new to the List, I am a volunteer with Basset Hound Rescue of Southern California. My retired parents have been helpful in taking in short term fosters. On Saturday I dropped off Clyde, a 9 year old hound who arrived from Florida via Delta Airfreight yesterday. Clyde could not tolerate the thunderstorms that are a regular part of St. Petersburg living.

On Sunday morning my telephone rang. It was Mom. Following is the conversation:

Mom - "We let Clyde in the house last night and he didn't want to go out. Dad finally lured him out with several pieces of cheese."

Me - "Well, it sounds as though you solved the problem quite well."

Mom - "After I went to bed he came to my window and started scratching on it. I looked at him and he had managed to get his lower jaw through his collar. I woke Dad up, we went outside and took it off. Clyde managed to bulldoze his way back into the house when we went inside. We decided just to let him sleep in the house."

Me - "Inside your house?" (I said, remembering that when I was a kid our dog wasn't allowed in the house more than 15 minutes at a time!)

Mom - "Yes, he just slept quietly on the rug next to my bed for a while."

Me - (Not hearing the ". . . for a while" part) "That sounds sweet."

Mom - "It was until I was awakened by a thump. He was standing on the bed looking at me. He wouldn't get off so when he snuggled up to me I eventually went back to sleep."

Me - (Unable to picture this) "How did you sleep?"

Mom - "I was awakened by another thump. I opened my eyes and his head was on the other half of my pillow. He wouldn't get off the pillow, so eventually I may have dozed off."

Me - What's Clyde doing now Mom?"

Mom - "Well, he is still on my bed on the pillow and I was wondering, if you have the time, if you could stop by and make him go outside?"

Me - "I'll be right over."

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Foster Follies Redux - In Memory of TBO

Had lunch today with my parents who are still fostering Clyde the Thunder Dog. Always concerned that the burden of fostering a seventy-five pound, nine year old Basset might be more than they can handle, I asked, "How are things going with Clyde, Mom?"

In one succinct sentence, my mother summed up the entire Basset Hound/Human relationship when she said, "Well honey, he's just fine as long as we do what he wants us to do."

A special thanks to Bill, and his parents. And to Clyde, for doing what comes natural to a Basset.

Editorial note: Martha and Duke recommend that this advice should go with every basset in the "Owner's Manual".

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Soccer-playing hound

When my son (only child, now grown) was 8 years old, he marched into the house one summer day and demanded to know if he was ever going to get a brother.  I said that, unfortunately, a brother didn't seem a likely prospect.  Adam shrugged and said, "Oh well, I guess I'll have to teach Merry (the puppy) to play soccer.".  Merry was our very first Basset.  And teach her he did.  We had family soccer games sometimes and Merry would cover her designated area of the playing field.  When she got the ball she would run (somehow) pushing the ball with her chest, nose, feet, ect... but never tried to cheat by trying to pick the ball up in her mouth.  It was a riot...and she was GOOD!!  The only thing was...if you tried to steal the ball away from her she would go after your feet and untie your shoes.

Mistress Merry lived to be a grand 13 and when Adam was 20 and home on leave from the Marine Corps the first thing she did was bring him her soccer ball.  I happened to look out the den window an hour or so later and there they were...the grown up boy and the white-faced hound ...playing a slow game of soccer.  And I couldn't help but notice that his shoes were untied.

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Hound Heaven

An old man and his dog were walking down a dirt road with fences on either side. The country they were traveling through was strange to them and a little unsettling.

On both the left and right the man saw a magnificent panorama of fields, streams, hills and valleys -- just the sort of country a man and his Basset Hound can only dream of -- but all along the fences on either side large "NO TRESPASSING - KEEP OUT" signs were posted every few feet, so they walked on.

Soon the two companions came to a magnificent gate made of gold and encrusted with precious stones.  An imposing figure in a flowing robe of the purest white stood there beside it.

"Welcome to Heaven" the man in robes said.

The old man was stunned beyond words.  He hadn't even realized that he was dead! At least, he thought, his hound, the closest friend he had in all the world, had made the trip with him. With a sigh and a smile, the old man started through the gate with his dog at his side, but the gatekeeper stopped him.

"Dogs aren't allowed," he said. "I'm sorry but he can't come in here with you. He'll have to stay out on the road."

"What kind of Heaven won't allow dogs?" asked the old man. "If he can't come in, then I won't either.  I'll just stay out here with him. He's been my friend all his life. I can't walk away from him now."

"Suit yourself," said the robed figure, "but I have to warn you, the Devil is on this road and he'll try to sweet talk you into his place.  He'll promise you anything to get you inside, but the dog can't go there either.  If you won't leave the dog, you'll spend Eternity on this road.  There's no room in Heaven or in Hell for a man's dog."

So the old man and his dog went on their way.  In time, they came to a rundown fence with a gap in it -- no gate, just a hole where a few boards had fallen of or been removed. Another old man, humble in appearance, was fishing in a pond just inside the fence.

The man and his dog stopped at the gap.  "Excuse me, Sir," the old man said. "My dog and I have been on this road for a long time now. We're getting mighty tired. Mind if we come in and sit for a spell?"

"Of course!" said the man inside the fence. "Come right on through. There's some cold water under that tree over there."  He gestured toward a huge old oak tree with majestically spreading branches. At its roots a bubbling spring rose, cool and r efreshing. "Make yourselves comfortable.  You're welcome to stay as long as you please."

"You're sure my dog can come in, now?" the old man asked. "The man down the road said dogs weren't allowed anywhere around here."

"Would you come in if you had to leave the dog?" asked the fisherman.

"No, sir, I would not!" the old man replied. "That's why I didn't go to Heaven back down the road. The man there said my dog couldn't come in with me." He shrugged and continued. "We'll be spending Eternity on this road, I suppose, just the two of us. A glass of cold water and some shade would be mighty fine right about now, but I won't come in if it means my friend here has to wait on the road."

The man behind the fence smiled a big smile and said, "Welcome to Heaven, friend."

"Hold on, now! You mean THIS is Heaven?" asked the old man, quite surprised. Dogs ARE allowed? How come that fellow down the road told me different?"

"That was the Devil back there." St. Peter replied, for indeed, the old, ordinary seeming man behind the fence was none other.  "He gets all the people who are willing to give up a life long companion for a little comfort. They soon find out their mistake, but by then it's too late."

"The dogs can still come in here," he continued, "but the selfish people stay back there. God wouldn't allow dogs to be banned from Heaven. After all, He created them to be man's companions in life, how could he separate them in death?"

A smile that went from ear to ear broke out on the old man's face. He reached down to his side, gave his loyal Hound an ear rub and said, "C'mon, boy!" And with that, the two of them passed through to the other side of the fence. They walked up the gentle rise to where the shade of the oak and the cool water from the spring awaited their coming.

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Five Bassets are better than one