My commute to Florida Internation University involves two daily drives on Florida’s Turnpike Extension. I have run this gauntlet for the last two years. Recently there has been debate about making many more toll roads in Miami in the hopes of driving folks off the road, (pardon the pun) and on to mass transportation. In light of (more traffic humor) the fact that there really is no mass transit system in place at FIU, many more folks could be experiencing the joys of toll road driving in the near future.
During my years on the road I have witnessed a gamut of human behavior and learned many valuable lessons on life in the fast lane. Because the toll road driving experience does not come with a guide book, I feel it is my moral and civic duty to inform the less enlightened driver of the rules of toll plaza etiquette. These few regulations will make it easier to share the highway with the seasoned commuter (me). Pay close attention, your life may depend on it!
Number one: Always get in the correct toll lane. Exact change means that you must have, in your hand, (not in the bottom of your purse), the right amount of silver change as you approach the collection basket. Pennies and paper money are totally unacceptable. If you find yourself in the wrong line, move before you become a twisted mass of wreckage. Crazed rush hour commuters approach the toll plaza near the speed of sound.
Number two: Let the driver make the money drop, preferably out of an open window. Unless you are Glen Rice of the Miami Heat or other pro basketball player that has perfected the outside hook shot, give the person closest to the toll basket the money. And, never let anyone in the back seat shoot for the basket. This method will insure that the correct silver change gets into the basket most of the time.
Number three: Do not wait for the green light, (unless there is a gate too). As soon as the driver drops the correct silver change in or near the basket it is time to proceed with all haste. The only reasons to remain still at this juncture are that there is a gate barring your forward progress or you want to be rear-ended by the crazed rush hour commuters behind you because you need the insurance money.
Number four: Never get out of your car, even if the correct silver change dropped out of an open window by the driver misses the basket. Getting out of the car means that you have to put it in park, which means you have to stop completely, halting the slowly rolling line of crazed rush hour commuters. The life expectancy of a driver stopped at a toll plaza is inversely proportional to the number of seconds they remain motionless. Remember, it’s harder to hit a moving target.
Number five: Do not speak to the human toll collectors, except to say “thank you” or “good day.” To have a conversation with the toll collector means you have to stop your vehicle longer than the time it takes to receive change. As outlined in rule number four: the life expectancy of a driver stopped at a toll plaza is inversely proportional to the number of seconds they remain motionless. Asking for directions falls under this category. Be warned, if crazed rush hour commuters see a map in your hand, even if the correct silver change is dropped out of an open window by the driver, your life may well be forfeit anyway.
I hope that these five simple rules of toll plaza etiquette will keep the
uninitiated alive until they too have the experience it takes to stay unmaimed
out on the open road. One last bit of advice, stay out of my way.