THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE...
LETTERS TO FRIENDS
...sometimes the best I can do to keep in touch is write to everyone at once...

ok, you're digging deeper... thank you... hope you like what you find... this is a letter I sent to old friends early in 1998, just before I left Florida... it was the start of a very challenging year... ultimately, the Keep In Touch Pages started for friends who asked me to try to keep in touch while I was on the road... I hope somehow that those I have lost touch will stumble across my web pages and realize that I was and am trying to reach out to them too... this is also an example of how I communicate and create in written words, or... how my written gardens grow...

shaking days, sleepless nights... hug... we have drifted apart some, mostly because of my choice to remain in limbo... and I know part of you thinks me foolish to remain devoted as I have for so long... the realist and the dreamer battle in me too... the cynic and the idealist both laugh... while my heart cries... and my soul dies... to believe in someone's heart and the love that hides behind the fear, when only the fear shows - seems so futile, but... I do... and still, there is nothing anyone can do for someone who chooses to put up walls of fear, no matter how much you know they want to love... I reach for that caring heart in you one more time, dear friends, and a selfish friend I am today... there is really nothing you can do and it's not fair of me to dump this helpless pain on you I'm acting selfishly but I just want to tell someone who understands true love that I'm risking it all again all I've ever dreamed of and I hope you will understand and forgive this heavy load I hope to be a better friend somewhere up the road so a selfish moment to talk about me... it's not fair to dump all this, so helpless the feeling cuz nothing can be done... I must try... I can only hope my friends understand... I am more scared than I have ever been in this life... I am going to try to cross the border and hope I am allowed into Canada... if I am stopped, I will probably try again and again... imagine having to try to sneak into Canada (this would make a great romantic comedy if she still wants me... I absolutely HATE my sense of humor sometimes... but it is survival... I need to survive I want to survive) so many laws, so many rules why are we treated as if we are fools all over money, money over love this is not the world I'm dreaming of and when (please let it be when, not *if*) I get across, I am going to find a way to walk up to my best friend and soulmate and look her in the eyes... and pray to the love energy in the universe that she has not detached from the stream too far to still feel... and the tears fall just thinking about it... and I've been shaking and not sleeping since making this decision to face the music... this is the test, will love conquer fear or will fear consume the love that was there I want to believe in love, but I know this world teaches fear over love... it hurts so this weekend... I start driving north... and while my actual physical life does not depend on the outcome, no part of me will ever be the same and I believe no part of me will ever be as full or high or complete if her wall doesn't at least allow conversation with her and my kids... all I've ever wanted to be is part of a real family an equal partner and a daddy will this ever happen for me thank you for listening... I'm going to be quite mad (as in scattered in the brain) for a while... seeking distractions... seeking to cope... I apologize if I offend at all during this time... I want to scream explode my soul I want to rage out of control I want this seering pain to end I want my love, she's my best friend I want true love to conquer the fear I want the walls to disappear I want my family - they are part of my self I don't want to care about anything else I'll be off line, probably, for at least a week, maybe two, maybe longer... holding my breath and waiting to see if my heart will start beating again, or if it's one more blow on the bruise (Gavin Friday, a singer I have searched for for years, but his old stuff is out of print - it's some great profound deep within truth depression and rising out of it music... though the rising out part is buried deep in the songs, just as it is in people who are depressed)... pray to any god that cares there's nothing I wouldn't do let love conquer all the fears if life is good and true if life is not only pain please let my dream come true let the sunshine through the rain let true love come through I am so self-absorbed at the moment, I don't think it's fair for me to share... or explore other's stuff... do you understand that feeling?... all I want to do is curl up and die and not have to face the possibility of a cold stone love... she plays frozen dead so well... she has been abused so in her life... and betrayed and abandoned by everyone from birth on... and even I was forced away... and maybe I stayed away too long, but it was a journey she wanted to try alone, confronting her demons, and I respect her choice... now she's in dire straights, the demons might be winning, and I'm not there... she's my "the one"... all my heart wants in this world, in this universe is to be with her and my family again... gripes I'm so scared... please don't let me face this loss for me it will be death the loss of a wife and four precious children long I won't catch my breath please don't let it be let them live again my precious family the keeper of my pen writing will be full of pain if I ever write again for I gave her everything she's the keeper of my pen the beginning of the end... or the end of the beginning... or... shaking days, sleepless nights don't want to turn on the lights don't want to live, don't want to die don't even want to think about why I'm trying, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done, to hold my head up and keep breathing, this week... I shall follow through and I shall survive whatever the outcome, but I shall not begin to pretend I'm not shaking with fear... I've loved deeply enough to vegetate over the loss once before... ran off to the army and drugs and drink and risky life and lost myself and everything (and I mean everything) outside of me... how many chances will I get how many times can I give it all I'm afraid I will not get back up this might be too high a fall that was so many years ago... in fact, it was this weekend all those years ago that I confronted my first love much the same way I am about to face this second soulmate... the first caved into life's fears... I searched for all those years and finally found another... and again, the negativity of fear of the intensity of love in this shallow world is trying to block to love that's inside... though I will hope to find the right way to reach through the walls this time... I must focus on the love for I believe in love please don't let fear win this time for I believe in love I know I *must* conquer my fears before I face her, for facing her fears with my fears is not going to work... I guess that's why I'm trying to express them... maybe I should expose this more... she was everything I ever wanted but love's intensity gave fear a chance and when we daunted fear took her love from me haven't I hung myself out in the wind enough?... maybe... maybe I'm wrong... to go on thinking... to sing this song... Moody Blues, will you save me now again?... Harry?... it took me so long to find a second true love of a lifetime... how few ever have one... I'm so afraid I may never find another as profound... the years pass, the opportunities pass... the fear grows stronger every year when the intimacy is not shared the fear grows stronger every year when true love and trust is not shared there will never be another like the first the second is a compromise quenching thirst and to further compromise will destroy purity please don't let this be please don't let it be but I still never new the true unconditional love and trust and relative permanence of family...   all I've ever wanted... thanks for listening... this letter seems to be growing... it feels like it may keep growing... let me know if you want more... I'll definitely understand if this is enough already... honest love ric "if you try to look, but you don't touch then you won't touch, but you'll never feel and if you don't feel, you'll never cry and if you don't cry, then you'll never heal" ~ Harry Chapin ~ "it is a far far better thing I do, than I've ever done before... and may it be a far far better rest I go to, than I've ever known before" ~ paraphrased Charles Dickens ~ "and I know, if I'll only be true to this glorious quest... that my heart, will be peaceful and calm, when I'm laid to my rest" ~ from Man of La Mancha ~ * I have no intention of dying, but if I do along the way, as long as I'm true to my heart, I'll be ready for that day * BACK TO THE "KEEP IN TOUCH" PATH MORE LETTERS TO FRIENDS    MAIN GATE    TO LETTERS TO STRANGERS GARDENS      FRONT DOOR      BACK DOOR      WINDOW THERE IS SOME WAY OUTTA HERE (SAID THE THIEF TO THE JOKER) EMAIL EMAIL Candor Communications    ©1998, 1999, 2000, 2001