LETTERS TO FRIENDS
...sometimes the best I can do to keep in touch is write to everyone at once...
hiccup (excuse me... or squeeze me if you like) J I'm still here... still alive... not kicking much... not doing much of anything besides working (I think I'm becoming a dull boy again... but then, maybe that's all I've ever been... perhaps I'm seeking your input {like really?} and feedback and reassurance and attention {oh, whatever gave me this idea?} by including you in this mailing to my own private egogroup... is that what this is? {hint huh?}... well, serious moment... if you don't realize that being included in this mailing of this letter to friends is about as much appreciation and respect I can offer at this moment {and distance}, then maybe you shouldn't be here {oh, so blunt... time to duck yet?... only if you don't trust me [or yourself] I guess}... ok, that serious moment passed... well, it was there... did you catch it?... did you want to?... are your there?... do you care?... are we lost in a parentheses already?)... hello again (this could go on for a while... are you sitting comfortably?) J here I am, finally sending a message... if you are receiving this, you are probably willing to understand the relativity of passing time and how it has no effect on caring unless we want it to... if you need the obligatory excuse, ummmm, I couldn't find a clear enough bottle to send it in until now... of course if you're not laughing (or at least smiling) and really did need some sort of excuse, then I really am knocking on the wrong door and here's the apology that will hopefully appease any offense I might be incurring (or is that you incurring the offense and me perpetrating it?... it gets so confusing sometimes, ya know?)... please excuse my tongue, it gets stuck between my teeth sometimes and that's where my friends and I like it (some more than others... and some even like it other places, but that's another story and Wakko isn't here to help tell it so we'll continue now)... if you see [ricc] or anything in brackets like these [ ] in the subject, then you are receiving this via an email group (or somebody forwarded it to you even though I encourage people not to forward the whole rambling letter unless they are very sure that the person receiving the words is into long rambling letters because these letters to friends usually appear on the web {like this one} and the link is enough to send)... this one can be found at http://home.att.net/~anonanonanon/letters/hiccup.html ya see J what I'm doing mostly these days is working... what I should be doing second most is looking for a roommate and place to live... consider this a self-nudge and a plea for assistance to all Orlando locals who might know someone looking for a roommate or place to live as near to UCF (east side) as possible... I'm tired of driving hours each day and paying tolls... so what else is new... not much, actually, so expect a ramble (and why should this letter be any different than any others... I mean, just because I don't have endless hours to spend here and that will stifle creativity and the serious roll I could get on, I can still ramble in brief spurts, right?) J contrary to abdominal appearance, I am in a relatively great mood and if you're not seeing that in the words then either you are reading through depressed eyes or I'm fooling myself (feel free to discuss this in the discussion group lol lam laa?... hey, there's always hope, ya know?)... in any case, as I said, here I am (whatcha gonna do with me now?)... ah... the radio waves cooperate as Bob Seeger sings and calls me out to... excuse me a moment... oh wow... ok, I'm back... and just for the record since you (or someone) may be interested someday, here is a song list of what the radio waves offered during the writing of this potentially massive missive... it can be amazing (to children like me) how radiowaves seem to bring exactly what needs to be heard at any given moment at times... not always, but sometimes... like they are tuned into my thoughtwaves... ever happen to you? (as they head for the door)... but if you're still here, here's more proof or a test of some sort perhaps... as for sitting comfortably, it's been a very long time since I could say that (so that'll probably be one of the lyrical references that are not picked up on the radiowaves... alas and all that jazz)... of course in the best of all worlds I'd be sitting comfortable with you and sharing a peaceful moment of growing closer... and butterflies are free to fly away... but since we are not in the same space, I seek words to reach you... I sense I am rambling around myself and therefore probably not connecting very well so far... that's the way it is right now... and one big reason it's been so long since the last mass mailing like this... I'm heading towards being more real, more personal, and sharing more details that hopefully would be meaningful to you and help us become closer friends... friends are just strangers who get to know each other well and like what they get to know, right?... well, something like that J can we share a smile deep in the heart where trust begins and love can start can we become friends even far away through words and beliving we care everyday I don't believe in time it can pass without me for whatever it means I don't believe in fear it can stop other people stay out of my dreams I don't believe in hate it can burn everything without feeling a thing I don't believe in doubt won't give it any power over me... or the song I sing but I'll believe in you and I'll believe in me and I'll believe we can be friends if we want to be I will believe in you hope you believe in me sharing this moment, it never ends it's we want it to be and it never ends if we want to be in touch with the kind of caring that lasts all eternity I had a few very brief, but serious discussions about awareness and spirituality lately with someone at work (something to do at 4AM when sleepily sliding into one of those someone save my life tonight moods, ya know?) and that reminded me of how much I want to share the depths and heights of awareness and this experience we call life and whatever else may be with someone... since I've just thought of them, those thoughts probably pointed me to write to you again... I think you're my friends... at least I think I'd like you to be... don't let the sun go down on me?... and the music heats up the airwaves with chills... timing is everything... time? J oh heck, I'm just thankful my music's still alive J I don't believe in time I believe in eternity time is not needed there I don't believe in fear I believe in trust and love fear is not needed there I don't believe in hate I believe in being kind hate is not needed here I don't believe in doubt I believe in believing in you and me... and the song I sing and I'll believe in you and I'll believe in me and I'll believe we can be friends if we want to be I will believe in you hope you believe in me sharing this moment, it never ends it's we want it to be and it never ends if we want to be in touch with the kind of caring that lasts all eternity got to do something during the commercials, after all J once upon a time I'd write long letters to strangers and after a few pages (or a few hundred) we'd be friends and occasionally, we even fell in love (once in a while, we'd fall together... simultaneously, even)... how long is long, you might ask... a few of you know... like a hundred front and back single spaced type size 10 typed pages with half inch margins?... like a 400K file?... not enough (talk to me lol)?... there have been more than a few files that grew to more than a megabyte (without any graphics) before I finally decided it was time to close the letter and send it (and start another)... yes, I've spent some time in the world of correspondence... it has been a while, but it is one of my most comfortable homes... I have not had time these last few years... and I have not found the desire or motivation either... how's it go?... once burned, twice shy?... well, how about three (four?) times burned to an unrecognizable crisp and left out on a street to die broken and penniless? (forgive, don't forget, ya know?) J but I'm over it (yeah sure... there's no way to get there, there's just learning to live with it)... oh yeah, that's what I meant (as I tease myself to tickle some giggles and ease past the last few bumps along the healing path)... so does that mean I'm ready to fall in love again? (uh-oh, look out world)... well, I've been maintaining this precarious balance for a while now and since I live there (in love... where've you been?), it's about time I choose to lose my balance again... yeah, and I love roller coasters too J I live in love where some people fall every time I give I give my all some take advantage others suspect some run away and some reject and I've been used because I care and I've been abused because I share but I live in love and I won't let fear stand in my way I am aware if I hold on to positivity I live in love and all the negativity can't touch me there it would be so nice to share once again beyond the paper and pen well, I can sit here and fantasize about romance forever until it comes if it would pay the bills, but I don't have the luxury of time these days so maybe I should catch up on some of the details of life since you care and want to know (right?... well, if you don't, you'll tell me... or delete me... hopefully no yelling will happen... I don't like yelling... don't believe in it... there's really no need for it... at least not for me... but then, I can handle rejection and I guess some people don't handle it too well when they are giving it... so yell if putting all that energy into it it works for you, but a simple 'leave me alone' might be enough for me... ummmm, maybe a why too... I really appreciate a why when I'm rejected... the more honest the better... honesty isn't too much to ask, is it?)... where were we?... oh yeah, where have I been... I think I last wrote to you last year, but I'll do a quick synopsis of the past few years for us both cuz it'll help me get rolling on details I think... wait, how about a lifetime synopsis?... ok, maybe another time... lam... laa?... ok, when we last left our protagonist (I occasionally wonder if I am the pro or the antagonist in this life I call mine... but that's another tangent), he was wallowing in oblivion and enjoying the wandering but not enjoying the living conditions or the lack of writing space and connections... some of me is still there, but I am now back to work (hey, there's a detail for ya... see, I'm getting there... sad?) J I am working a lot... since starting a few months ago, I've been averaging about 60 hours a week... add in another ten hours travel times, at least... I'd like more, but the place is very tight with overtime and a lot of people vie for it and I'm the new kid on the block so I'm slowly developing the connections necessary to get called for more shifts and I'm doing pretty well according to the grapevine (some are quite jealous and apparently imagining I never go home... well, they're close, but not due to work, which is a fine sorta segue that leads to the next little detail... home)... I've been staying with a couple of friends on and off (I sleep some nights in the car simply because nobody close enough to me to give me the key to their place is close to work and sometimes I only have a few hours between shifts and I'd rather sleep than drive)...and I've been saving pennies and rebuilding the savings that I used to wander around in 2000... I promised myself the year, ya know... a whole decade, almost cut my hair and all J in case that was too obscure and you're new here, I took off the 90s... at least that was the goal... due to calamities and other unnatural disasters, I went back to work in 1998 for a year and so I took 2000 off to make up for it, so there... if it still doesn't make sense to you and you really want to know, you could really excite me and get my attention by reading the whole journals and reacting and then prove your unquestionable looniness {and potential for insanity} by still asking for more in some unique and surprising way... or you could just ask (and wait in line with the other normal people... and oh yeah, my sense of humor might take some getting used to) J if it's not obvious yet, there are not too many details to share about the offline world... and there's the phone (cell... that doesn't happen too often since few have the cell phone number)... I shall be returning, ya know J . o O ( imagine the sounds of time going by so slowly ) O o . ok, so a phone call, a shower, and dinner might interrupt this letter to you... at least a phone call and shower did so far... the next call will mean it's time to leave to meet Rasputin for dinner... it's not as if it's one of my classics or even a thoroughly enjoyable read, after all (though the music is trying to suck me in... I'm just doing a great job {with some help from the built in distractions} of avoiding and you're seeing it in action)... boring... how's that for honesty? J one day I will get back there and then you'll be glad you stuck around through these choppy infrequent meandering rambles... if some editor type person comes along and feels my past ramblings are worth putting out here maybe you'll see some of the arts and letters that I used to send people... that's usually posthumous though... I am way full of myself, aren't I?... ok, I think I've decided that I'm going to send a shorter version of this rambling sleeping pill to the group and address book (see, I'm not as cruel as you may have thought)... of course a look at the filename or opening or title (usually all the same thing in letters my written world) should have given you a clue as to the consistency and reading ahead... hiccup... I miss communication... personal conversations... I miss intimacy... I miss it more offline than online and I don't wish to spend the little time I have for writing (or life, for that matter) focused on correspondence when I don't have the intimacy or personal communication offline... alas, a catch-22, huh?... I've just given you the perfect reason to not try to get to know me better through words (unless you're a fan... I still have a few in this world, don't I?)... I'm worth knowing better, just ask... ummmm, me? J dreaming of sharing without any strings caring unconditionally dreaming of sharing the song the heart sings loving unconditionally dreaming of sharing everything trusting unconditionally dreaming of more than just dreaming make it reality someone start sharing with me it's time for another detail... wait, I can find one, I must have done something since I last wrote besides wander around in my car aimlessly and working... did I mention what I actually do at work (as opposed to what I do in the annoying what do you do? conversation bump... for me at least)... I am a babysitter... well, more precisely a teensitter... it's in a residential treatment center for at-risk teens (love the language... what a phrase... aren't we all at risk?)... for now I work 32 hours on weekends and 8 on Monday and then try to get some more shifts during the week cuz overtime is survival right now... sometimes I work weekdays, but mostly I work evening and nights cuz it pays more and there's usually less administrative red tape trying to tie hands and strangle people... so what I do at work is parent, counsel, recreate, and attempt to keep the peace and help the kids through their challenges without create more challenges along the way... I enjoy the work as long as I feel like I'm helping and so far I do... with the concentrated weekend schedule, I have room for another job Monday through Friday so I'm keeping my resume online and welcome a better job opportunity or a decent second job, part time or full time... especially if it's on the east side of town... it's not emergency time, just continuing the career path which is relatively constant... if you care to help, I'll look at anything interesting, creative, or helping (people, animals, plants)... I'll look at anything at all that pays more than $15 an hour... I figure if you've read this far, you care enough to keep your eye out for me (or maybe you're tied to a chair with your head immobilized and eyes propped open in front of an automatically scrolling computer screen)... . o O ( imagine the sounds of dinner ) O o . and later that evening, or more precisely almost 4AM (and we know what song that brings to mind), we meet again... for you it might have felt like a moment or few, unless you took a dinner or whatever meal break and didn't just imagine the sounds... in any case, welcome back my friends to the show that never ends... it may sometimes suck, but it never ends... thank you so much for finding reason to stay... if you new how much I appreciate you, you'd know... I wish I could thank you more than this (come over, I will) J I'm lonely, but I don't want to be sad... so I'll channel the feelings into some rhymes and be happy with the creative product of the emotions... and so I did... with more time, more of the spectrum would have been explored and expressed, but in the time allowed... this is what came forth in... blues and love and getting real LETTERS TO FRIENDS can be inspired by anyone asking me questions or by my desire to keep in touch with friends and people becoming friends or sometimes, just a fantasy of someone I wish was a friend whether you live in Orlando or far away, these are web ways to stay in touch with me (or give me a little attention and feedback) . o O ( J I love attention and feedback... doesn't everybody? J ) O o . Reading on the Web kinda monthly updates: http://home.att.net/~candor/kit weekly summaries: http://home.att.net/~candor/kit/lifetimes daily-ish journals (work): http://home.att.net/~candor/kit/worklife daily-ish journals (life): http://home.att.net/~candor/kit/journals (other deeper journalish writings can be found if you have time to explore) (Heads Up... though these are letters to real people and the journals are based in real offline life, here as much as anywhere in the written gardens on the web there is creative play, literary fantasy, and just stuff a writer with too much time at times might do... differentiating between what is really happening in life offline and what is pure imagination {and how much of each is on each page} is for you to figure out... or specifically ask about) J J More Ways to Keep In Touch via Email (and let me know you care) J semi-infrequent updates by email: ricc-subscribe@egroups.com make sure you're in my addy book: riccc-subscribe@egroups.com various online groups to explore: http://home.att.net/~candor/eg wait for me to respond to mail (could be a while): candor@writeme.com Via Phone, Fax, or Snail Mail LETTER INDEX GO BACK GO ON RUN AWAY! 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