THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... (I HOPE...) THERE'S ALWAYS HOPE... 

Letters to Friends
 A Preface of Sorts... Part Two

hello...                           hello...                                                    hello... is anybody in there?...                                                                            just nod if you can hear me... is anyone at home?...                                          ~ Pink Floyd ~ hello =) I've been out of touch with you and still I thought of you, so that means I'm missing you and that means I enjoyed the time I spent with you... so I am opening my gardens and dusting off the keys so I can type a little message to you just to let you know... I'm still here... you came into my life like a cool breeze on a warm night a giggle in the playground of my mind and through the passing time like a rainbow after a storm you were gone but something good is left behind so now I'm wishing on the stars each and every night waiting for the morning sun to shine a little light holding on to hope that you're not just an old dream maybe at the rainbow's end you'll know what I mean (I'm just) looking for a rainbow is it just the windmills for Quixote is it just some flashback from peyote is it just a mess aged in my mind looking for a rainbow nobody can tell me I am losing cause I follow the path I am choosing and I will not leave my dreams behind maybe my life is a dream maybe the dream is my life maybe nobody knows for sure for sure but I remember you now and the feeling is still good do I really need to know any more? so now I live under the stars each and every night welcoming the morning sun to rain a little light holding on to hope even if it's just a dream maybe at the rainbow's end you'll know what I mean (I'm just) living in a rainbow it is just a choice I'm always making it is just the chance I'm always taking is it just a message in my mind living in a rainbow nobody can tell me I am losing cause I follow the path I am choosing and I will not leave my dreams behind living breathing rainbow like a cool breeze on a warm night a giggle in the playground of my mind and through the passing time like a rainbow after a storm you are here cuz nothing good is left behind living in a rainbow nothing good is ever gone... in my mind remember me?... ah, the Moody Blues sing softly in the background now... after the seventh sojourn, as the blue jays took flight... see it's not just you I've been out of touch with... I've wandered far of from my center, from my writings and my written gardens... I've done this a few times in this life for several reasons, each time choosing to devote my time and energy to something away from writing time, away from the expression and creation of self that writing is to me... during these "away" times, I express and create myself in other ways... there's been times devoted to love... times devoted to learning and professional "success"... and times devoted to vegetative meanderings, both happy and sad (vacations and depressions)... the recent phase of away time has been all of the above... waiting for love, which is the expression of love through solitary sacrifice and devotion, a spiritual, ethereal love much like priests or monks or nuns or some do, except my "god-figure" is a dream of a real human-type person... the basic experience, however, is not too different... the bare minimum to actually keep the ethereal me, the heart and soul and spirit and belief in love alive... and some learning, though without any professional or material success this time... learning what homelessness feels like... learning at the bare survival level of life and this culture... while still doing my best to return to a phone line and cyber-link on and off to continue learning another form of expression (and practicing this form in quasi-garden endeavors that sprout without core direction from whatever inspirations that pass through or near me)... if I left all forms of communication completely for too long, I might slide into an apathetic depression and get lost there and I don't really want to do that... it is a precarious balance at best at the bottom line... the bare minimum to keep the physical me, the body and mind and creations - the material extensions of self alive... and much vegetative meanderings... in farming terms, leaving the land fallow for a season or few... in human terms, an inner journey that may or may not offer any outward appearance of reason or logic or purpose or rational sense or sanity even... it is very acceptible when done within certain guidelines... a religious "retreat", for instance... when there appears to be no physical survival dangers... for me, however, to experience a true spiritual focus that releases me from the material and physical planes, I must do it without - or with as minimal a safety net as possible... risking everything, giving up everything, and wandering through the wilderness with nothing but faith and hope and belief in my ideals... yeah, I'm that stubborn and that idealistic and that crazy... so I have... so I am... and the pendulum of these meanderings has swung from one ethereal emotional extreme to the other with ever increasing intensity... the euphoria of being true to an existential purity frees my spirit to experience more wonders than I'd ever imagined... a more beautiful peace and tranquility than I'd ever dreamed of... a more exciting energized independent personal happiness than I'd ever imagined... and the depressive fears of losing the chance at dreams not yet realized brings me down to experience more pains and panics and confusions and doubts and excrutiatingly uncomfortable feelings than I'd ever dared imagine actualizing in life... the disappointments of betrayals of unconditional trust and love... the pains of abandonment and betrayal... the risks of giving complete power and control of my life over to someone else... even the fear of death by freezing, starving, or whatever is not nearly as profound for me as the pain of leaving life with opportunities for actualizing my dreams left untried... sometimes it is a challenge to explain... the extremes of the concepts of heaven and hell, actualized as much as possible in this body in this life... I am often amazed that this body is still alive... sometimes I wonder why I'm still alive it can't be for material gain if it was then I'd never survive for the things that matter most to me are the things beyond human touch and without the love deep inside life doesn't matter much sometimes I wonder how I carry on it can't be just for the memories cuz what was real then is now long gone and there's emptiness around me now what I want is out of my reach so I better reach deep inside to practice what I preach ethereal love the light of the heart spiritual energy alive from the start ethereal love a thought in the mind infinite and eternal all there is to find whatever else you think you need you can leave it behind when you find ethereal love in your heart and mind when you find ethereal love you know life is kind sometimes I wonder how I lost my way it can't be just an accident I've still got too much left to say to fall silently on deafened ears what can be seen behind closed eyes if a tree could speak it would explain life is more than human lies sometimes I wonder how we've come this far and what is the point of it all bigger house, better yard, newer car when it's time to slip between the sheets what does it all really mean? in dreams we find the aswers we seek what no eyes have ever seen ethereal love the peace of the heart spiritual energy each one is one part ethereal love the opening mind infinite and eternal all there is to find whatever else you think you need you can leave it behind when you find ethereal love opening your heart and mind when you find ethereal love you know life is kind how much longing... for so much sharing... is it beyond you?... do you hide your love behind your fear?... and in the end... did the love your take really equal to the love you make?... who will know?... who will care?... what proof is there that you were really here?... I ask simple questions... and search for the answers... did I miss them?... if I wait, will they appear?... I don't know the reasons, for the changing seasons... all I know is there is one thing that makes everything seem clear... ethereal love... without the fear... it's who I am, who I want to be, and why I'm here... ethereal love... without the fear... it's all I am, the best I can do, and why I'm here... slowly I'm remembering who I am... wanna help? J ... this is a letter to the world where my old friends are found does anyone out there remember me I slipped away without a sound this is my letter to the world to let you know I'm here I wonder if you still want to know me now as I suddenly reappear sorta where did I go... what did I do? I want to know these things about you do you want to know anything about me? I've been waiting here for you patiently of course you didn't know but then of course you knew how could you find me when I was lost? heck, how could I find you? but I've been here... in my garden of words I've buried my dreams though it may sound absurd it's as real as it seems what illusions are these that create what you see as you look at your life do you imagine me? as I imagine you reading remembering the best times you don't even have to know me to see me in my rhymes as you imagine me writing I am anything you will find when you reach into your heart and find the dreams you left behind and in the words you might see it's always been all in your mind so do you remember me now? you can if you want to I'm the friend from your youth jumping right out of the blue in this garden of words you might find your dreams though it may sound absurd it's as real as it seems what illusions are these that create what you see as you look at your life do you imagine me? if you look inside you might find you create all that is to be this is my letter to the world to wake the dead - to carry on for no matter how far or where I went I was never really gone cuz I was already gone this is my letter to the world maybe you'll even respond for no matter how obscure I get there is always more beyond I began somewhere beyond where did I go... what did I do? I want to know these things about you do you want to know anything about me? I've been waiting here for you patiently in my garden of words will you find your dreams? though it may sound absurd it's as real as it seems what illusions are these that create what you see as you look at your life do you imagine me? as you look at your life do you feel trapped or free? it's all in the mind... your mind for you, my mind for me... what you perceive is what becomes real for you, what I perceive is what becomes real for me, what we share is what becomes real for us... I've known a very easy, smooth sailing together kinda life... and I've known a bottomed out on the street struggling to survive kinda live... each taught me a lot about myself and others and this experience we call life... and I am still learning... what would you die for? do you really know? have you ever been tested? just how far will you go? I don't want to push you you'll choose who you want to be but if you want me to hold back then you don't want me what do you live for? are you really sure? how much would you give up before you say "no more"? I don't want to change you I just want you to be free but if you want me to hold back then you don't want me I've been to the mountain top and I've seen the other side I'm ready to die so I'm ready to live without fear or false pride I don't need the walls or rules because I've got nothing to hide I've survived the streets of hell where've you been? what stories can your life tell? are you afraid of the dark side? sometimes I had to call it home do you believe in some sort of god? and through what wilderness did you roam? you may think I'm cynical but then I'd say you don't look too deep cuz I've probably lived dreams wide awake you wouldn't even dare to dream fast asleep I've known the spirit of a Santa Claus and met devils in the flesh I've experiences euphoria that is better than being blessed we're all prisoners of our minds the limits we choose are the walls and bars we find win or lose I've left them all behind I believe in a quest for the truth for I know the truth is kind unless you don't like the truth then to you it's unkind whatever you believe in how much does it show? in the things you do how does your garden grow? do you really know what you believe or is it stored up on some shelf? when all your cards show what do you know? I know myself what do you know? what are you here for? what's most important to you? have you ever shared it all? can you tell me - what is true? I don't want to save you that's for you to do and see if you want me to hold back then you don't want me I've created a lot, made my creations very important to me, given away a lot, and lost everything more than once due to trusting others... my mistakes, nobody's fault, and the best I can do is pick up and continue creating as well as I am able... I've known euphoria and depression and the pendulum of emotions (or roller coaster, as I often call it) is what life is about... so you may be high or low, happy or sad, up or down, sane or mad... chances are I've been there or somewhere nearby... that's what living as I do - giving unconditional love and trust - does... cuz nobody's perfect... and some choose to abuse or live selfishly... and some choose to reach for higher ideals... who are you now?... who am I?... shall we explore?... shall we journey along the road to find out?... what shall we share?... or perhaps I should ask, shall we share?... sharing is one of the primary reasons for life for me, and one of the primary reasons I write... sharing through words is sort of a temporally displace sharing... that is, I write in a "now" that is different from when you read these words and you respond (sharing the thoughts and feelings in these words with your thoughts and feelings in your words) in another "now"... and yet, we are sharing if you respond... sometimes with much more thought or feeling than same-time-and-place sharing, for more secure internalizing and exploration can be experienced in this kind of separate sharing... such is the nature of sharing through correspondence for me... some don't use written words much in their lives... some only for certain work or school or other aspects of life... personal correspondence is a choice... and I choose it... most of the time... if you choose it, you are welcome and encouraged to respond and share as you please... I will respond when time permits (as 1999 starts, please check my Keep In Touch pages as life is challenging and I barely have time to turn this computer on these days)... but I will respond somehow, for writing is the way my soul breaths... if words are part of your way, we should find understanding... and as I say in my current babbling "intro" that I irreverently call A Brief Introduction to Anonanonanon, if words and music are vital to your life, I think we should be sharing... perhaps the reality of remembering that we could die at any moment - that each second of life is a roll of the dice risking the end of it all and the loss of at least everything physical - is the most exciting and energizing inspiration I know... most people seem to be too afraid of death to live with the knowledge in their momentary consciousness... I don't empower fear as much as most people... it sometimes leaves me out of sharings as I see much of the human experience as pretentious and superficial and I don't want to bring people down or open minds to what are to me obvious awarenesses when they'd rather remain closed... we each must choose the path that is "right" for each of us... so here in these letters to friends and strangers and other gardens and in various rambling ways, I introduce myself a bit... will you?... now that you've read the first email and it's prefaces do you want to be in my email address book? (it's easy to get sidetracked reading my emails) of course you don't have to be in my address book (or read the email question) to continue onward along this path... LETTER INDEX        GO BACK        GO ON        RUN AWAY! EMAIL EMAIL Candor Communications    ©1998, 2001