THE CALMING OF CTHULHU

by Alfred D. Byrd

(with profuse, profound, and abject apologies to H. P. Lovecraft)

	The following story first appeared in The Reluctant Famulus, number 31, 

January/February 1994, Thomas D. Sadler editor.

	A blood-red moon hung low over Arkham as Cthulhu rode into town.  The Elder

Being's steed, itself a Brobdingnagian horror of indescribable aspect, flattened an ancient 

gabled house at every step.  The townspeople milled about in confusion, or ran screaming 

in terror.  Dr. Henry Armitage, however, leading the studentry of Miskatonic University in

a torchlight procession against the primal foe, felt only a sense of nascent triumph.  At last he 

could demonstrate to the pinchpenny Board of Trustees the value of his field or research!

	"Ph-nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" Cthulhu shouted.

	"What is it saying?" one of the townspeople wailed out.

	Dr. Armitage disdained to answer so trivial a question.  His assistant, Robert Blake, 

however, responded in a lofty tone.  "One might translate his words as, 'In his house at R'lyeh 

dead Cthulhu lies dreaming.'  The worshipers of this dread being, hoping to recall it to life, 

once chanted these words in their secret rituals.  Now the creature itself mouths those words 

to proclaim that our rule of the Earth has ended, and the rule of the Great Old Ones has been

restored."

	"Ph-nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" Cthulhu shouted again, its 

horribly distended jowls quivering in time to its words.

	"Is there anything we can do?" the townsperson wailed out.

	"Dr. Armitage has already taken thought for our deliverance," Robert Blake answered.

	"Indeed I have!" Dr. Armitage said confidently.  "Bring me the Necronomicon of Abdul 

Alhazred!  Bring me the Seals of the Elder Gods -- "

	"Bring me my Spear:  O clouds unfold!" a nasal voice called out behind him.  "Bring me 

my Chariot of fire!  Can you fail to see, Dr. Armitage, that this situation requires, not your 

outmoded occultism, but the fruits of modern science?"

	Dr. Armitage turned to glare at his interlocutor, a pale, thin young man in a laboratory 

smock.  "What, sir, do you mean by this bizarre expostulation?"

	"I mean, Dr. Armitage, that this creature's words, on which you insist on bestowing a 

mystical interpretation, in fact convey a garbled cry for help -- help that I intend to provide!" 

So saying, the young man strode towards the Elder menace.

	"Who was he?" Dr. Armitage asked his assistant.

	"A young student of some obscure branch of medicine, I believe," Robert Blake answered.  

"He will soon learn, however, the superiority of our discipline in dealing with the Unnameable."

	Dr. Armitage nodded grimly.  To his astonishment, however, the submarine horror did not 

devour the young student on his approach, but listened to something that he said in tones too low 

for Dr. Armitage to understand.  Cthulhu's vast, blood-shot eyes widened, and the eldritch 

creature moved its head in what Dr. Armitage could only anthropomorphize as a nod.

	Sliding from the back of the shoggoth, Cthulhu followed the young student into a nearby 

barn.  As the blood-red moon, crossing the sky, traded its initial hue for a skeletal white, the 

young student made several trips out of and back into the barn.  He brought into it 

pharmaceuticals.  He brought into it anaesthetics.  He brought into it cruelly shaped implements 

at the sight of which Dr. Armitage felt his mouth grow dry with terror -- implements that his 

mind refused to name.

	As the setting moon yielded the sky to the rising sun, the young student, his face aglow with 

triumph, emerged for the last time from the barn.  "As I promised you, Dr. Armitage, the 

products of modern science have succeded where mysticism would have failed.  I have given 

Cthulhu the help that he needed.  Soon his pain will subside; soon he will speak again with the 

voice of a rational being!"

	"How have you accomplished this wonder?" Dr. Armitage cried out.

	"See for yourself!" the young student answered with a grin, and he held out his hand.

	Dr. Armitage looked down.  To his amazement, he viewed on the open palm four tiny 

objects that had once been, root and crown, impacted wisdom teeth.

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