Putrid Movie Patrons
By Mark Levitt

Moviegoing is a very special experience.  Some misanthropic losers regard
going to the movies as their only chance to mix and mingle with others of
their kind.  For marrieds, grown so tired of each other, a shared viewing
experience gives them at least something to discuss.  However, there does
exist certain types or "subspecies" of moviegoers who do everything in their
power to distract disrupt and otherwise compromise everyone’s hallowed
viewing experience.  These heinous individuals fall into four major
categories:

"The Exclaimer": an overly reactive individual in the theater who gasps,
exclaims, or offers up loud expletives at the slightest provocation during a
scene, making them the center of attention instead of the film.  One can only
hope this person would at least be equally responsive in bed, peppering each
romantic sight and sound with equal verve: "Wow! How did you do that!?"

"The Terminal Theatergoer": A person who invariably sits next to you and
suffers from some kind of upper respiratory infection, causing him or her to
emit deep, raspy coughs or incessantly clear his or her throat.  Haven’t
these cretins ever heard of a lozenge?  Have these people just worked twenty
years in a coal mine? Have they narrowly escaped the jaws of death to take in
a final film?

"Melva Smelva": A woman who thinks perfume should be applied as generously as
pancake syrup and drenches her body in scent right before showtime. 
Therefore, as you try and watch the film, you experience a unique sight-smell
response: every actor in the movie—even in a Clint Eastwood Western—seems to
smell like the woman next to you, overpowered with the scent of Opium,
Charlie, or Obsession.

"Mr. Big-Shot Intellectual":  A Man in ponytail and glasses, usually found in
New York’s Greenwich Village movie theaters. These standouts feel it is their
duty to prep their intellectually inferior, though not bad looking dates, on
the facts and events the film is about to depict.  You can always tell the
pompous intellectual from their boring preamble which includes  key phrases
like, "Now, pay attention to the use of…" or "This is considered Oliver
Stone’s most controversial film."

     The above mentioned criminals serve to ruin our moviegoing experience. 
Therefore, what is a fit punishment?  Should we force them to pay us back a
percentage of our movie ticket, give them a sound thrashing, or force them to
watch their favorite movie as we proceed to take out and crush multiple
strips of noisy bubble paper?  I leave it to my fellow moviegoers to decide
on their acts of revenge and retribution.
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