Okay. This is something we all have to do. I don't like this anymore than you do. I would like this experience to be quick and painless, but it never is. I would like to think that as a society we would all be able to handle this task with respect for our fellow shoppers. Sadly, this is not so. I think it is way past the time that some rules were set up for this. Because, personally, I don't know how much longer I can take it!!
Rule Number One: You get your shopping cart from outside of the store. You proceed into the store. You do not stop as soon as you step in. I'm right behind you and I know where I'm going! You have been here before. Nothing has changed. Take that stunned, deer caught in the headlights look off your face and keep moving.
Rule Number Two: Navigating the aisles. This is not rocket science. It's like driving. Keep to the right. You are not allowed to drive down the middle with that U Haul sized cart and leave it there while you go back to a previous aisle to reread the label on a can of stewed tomatoes.
Rule Number Three: The Dairy Area. In every store I've been to, this is the busiest area. Also the smallest. Usually there is some odd store display set up in front of it like half priced calendars or assorted processed cheeses. Often this is accompanied by a store dolly filled with boxes to be stacked on an aisle at the other end of the store. Okay. We know this. Everyone needs milk and eggs. This is not the place for you to park your cart and go through your coupons. I know you think you need that ten cents off a tube of Preparation H, but please....don't look for it here. Otherwise, I am going to have to help you find it. Then I am going to help you apply it!
Rule Number Four: The Checkout. This is where I usually lose my composure. There are choices to be made here. That always complicates things for my fellow shoppers. I know we have the express lines and the cash only lines. That is a start for the checkout process. However, I think there should be a "Check In" line to check out. A screening process, if you will. Here, each shopper will be asked a few questions, not unlike the questions that are asked of someone who has just suffered a severe head injury. Like....what day is it? Do you know where you are? How many hallucinations are you currently seeing? Does the home know you are out without permission?
If you make it through this part, you will be directed to another line. Here is where you will be quizzed as to how you want to pay. If you will be using cash, please locate it now. If you will be paying with pennies, gather them from your coat pockets, and the bottom of your overstuffed purse now. If you will be paying with a check, please find your checkbook now. If you have a pen, please rifle through your overstuffed purse to locate it now. Try to remember what day it is, and write that in the space provided now. If you are able to remember your name, write that in the space provided now.
Rule Number Five: Line ettiquette. If the person ahead of you has unloaded their groceries onto the belt, please do not put yours right up against theirs. This is why they give you that little divider thingy to use. It is to separate the orders. Do not assume the cashier knows where one ends and another begins. Also remember...the person ahead of you is in a finite space. If you think you are going to gain more space by driving your cart up against this person, you are incorrect. This is most often done by the person who maneuvers their cart at a snail's pace throughout the store. Once in the checkout position they suddenly become in a hurry.
The cashier will now ask you a simple question. "Paper OR plastic?" Please note it is one or the other....not both!! Unless you will be dragging your bags home over broken glass, you do not need the paper bag inside of the plastic one. Remember the environment, will you??
Rule Number Six: Completing the Transaction. Given that my checkout screening rules are only a dream of mine, I know that this is the wildcard in the process. Anything can happen here, and usually does. Most stores now have that computer box where you have to punch in how you want to pay and then have to swipe a card. Those people born before 1980 are at a definite disadvantage here. I'm thinking, if you have to pay for your groceries with a credit card, you probably can't afford to eat. And so the line comes to a halt while the cashier explains the process. In the mean time, everything in my cart with an expiration date on it goes bad.
Okay. Rule Number Seven: Leaving. Should you finally manage to finish the checkout process, now you should leave. This means you push your cart away from the checkout line and proceed directly to the exit. This does not mean you stop suddenly and decide to play the dollar lotto machine. This does not mean you get to the exit and then stop. See Rule Number One. Keep moving!!!