is proud to present its
Jim Qwilleran's Overview of Basic Grammar
A must for budding local journalists, would-be chroniclers of Moose County history, and armchair etymologists, taught by the acclaimed author of City of Brotherly Crime and the Moose County Something columns "Straight from the Qwill Pen" and "Ask Mrs. Gramma". Topics covered include: "Diner Coffee Klatsch Etiquette", "The Eastern Roots of the 'I Know a Guy - He Blah Blah Blah' Vernacular Sentence Construction", "Get over It: There Is No 'E' in 'Potato'", "Why Don't I Have a Quirky Name?: A Pocket Guide to Moose County Nomenclature", and "Deceive, Inveigle, Obfuscate: How to Answer a Lost Tourist's Questions without Really Giving Directions". Additional section, "Moose County Orthography: From 'Ittibittiwassee' to the Number of R's in 'Brrr' to How to Spell the Professor's Name Correctly", also offered; recommended in conjunction with...
Local Geography 101
Taught by Moose County's foremost local historian, Homer Tibbitt. Learn how to tell Old East Street from New West Street, North Street East from South Street West, and the Old Stone Church from the Little Stone Church from the Old Stone Mill. Field trips included - follow the path marched by the Noble Sons of the Moose! Survey Pickax's fine old manors and retrace the tragic fall of the house of Goodwinter! Tour the Klingenschoen orchard's restored apple barn and rummage through Jim Qwilleran's sock drawers! Two special lectures: "Just Which State ARE We in, Anyway?" and "The Enigma of Bixby County: Where Did It Come from? Where Is It Going? Where Has It Been for the Past Seven Years?!", including a thorough examination of the evolution vs. creation theories.
A Newcomer's Guide to Surviving Moose County
Be prepared! That's the message of this safety course taught by Pickax Chief of Police Andrew Brodie geared toward residents who've relocated to Moose County within the past year. Chief Brodie alerts newcomers to warning signs of possible impending criminal attacks, including significant changes in financial status and the sudden conspicuous presence of Siamese cats.
How to Influence People and Get Friends to Mind Their Own Business
Taught by Amanda Goodwinter. No further course information available. Tuition required in advance; students expected to bring own study materials.
A Guide to Everyday Cooking 400 Miles North of Everywhere
Formerly a short course limited to teaching males the fine points of the culinary arts but back by popular demand, Mrs. Riker has now expanded this course's scope to anyone who wishes to learn the in and outs of basic Moose County cuisine, both hats-on and hats-off. Dishes include: macaroni-and-tomato goulash; mediocre pork chops, soggy baked potatoes, and overcooked green beans; alcoholic, non-alcoholic, and possibly toxic Squunk water cocktails; Scottish delicacies; edible Scottish delicacies; and proper pasty preparation, including filling tricks to get that desirable pasty-gray color and suitably super-dense consistency. Remedial Defrosting class also offered.
The Modern Standard Issue Moose County Male
A seven-part lecture series by Larry Lanspeak, Whannell MacWhannell, Lyle Compton, Thornton Haggis, Rollo McBee, John Bushland, and Roger MacGillivray on the importance of civic leadership, tireless volunteerism, and cultural homogeneity. First-night lecture: "Individual Identity: Who Needs It?".
Short and (Mostly) Tall Tales
An assortment of personal vignettes and racontres from the county's very own Jim Qwilleran on surviving the perils of reporting Down Below, being marooned on Three Tree Island, getting swept away by a great flood in the faraway Potato Mountains, weathering a bout with amnesia after a near-fatal car accident, escaping a raging high-rise inferno, riding up an escalator feet first, and more. Twenty-two-volume set of course texts available; pricing ranges from $6 to $25 a volume.
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