The Cat Who... Not-Meant-to-Be-Taken-Seriously Drinking Game

What, you haven't heard of drinking games? Have you had your membership in the Internet community revoked yet? Read on, and I'm sure you'll get the idea fairly quickly. Since Qwill's on the wagon, this game is strictly non-alcoholic, of course - so pour yourself a glass of cool, clear Catawba and -

• Qwill getting a "tingling sensation on his upper lip" is too easy. But take a sip if he "pounds his mustache in frustration" to suppress it.

• Take a few more sips if you find the overtones in these actions a little unsettling.

• Take one drink if the story climaxes in a daring mano-a-mano fight between Qwilleran and the murderer.

• Take another sip if Koko and/or Yum Yum have to jump in and save Qwilleran's sorry carcass during said fight.

• Take two drinks every time Qwilleran receives a package containing information that definitively incriminates the perpetrators but decides to delay opening it until he comes back from the grocery store/comes back from dinner/comes back from his date etc.

• Take a drink every time Odd Bunsen does something that would make one question his sobriety.

• One drink if the play the Pickax Theatre Club is putting on this season is a drama written before 1900 usually not taught until the third year of high school.

• Another drink if it was written by Shakespeare.

• A third drink if it was written by Shakespeare and at least three members of the troupe who would normally have trouble walking and chewing gum at the same time can quote an appropriate line from it at will.

• Two drinks if a big break in the case comes from an old, forgotten senior citizen and an anecdote from his or her younger days that he or she is grateful to finally tell to someone who'll listen.

• Another sip if he or she prefaces the tale with a version of "I usually don't go for newspaper reporters, but you seem like an alright fella..."

• An additional sip if he or she now lives in the Senior Care Facility.

• Moose County episodes only - take one sip for every character in the book that has Scottish bloodlines.

• Take another sip for every character that has Scottish bloodlines and overengages in traditional Scottish behavior or rituals - playing the bagpipes, getting married in an old-fashioned Scottish style, wearing kilts or sashes with their clan tartans, actually KNOWING the pattern of their clan tartan - to show how proud they are of it.

• Down the whole bottle if anyone of Ukrainian, Slovakian, or Uruguayan origin ever shows up in the story.

• Take a drink every time a murder, fatal accident, robbery, or other page one-worthy event happens just past the Moose County Something's publication deadline.

• Take a sip for every time Qwilleran says what a burden and nuisance all those Klingenschoen billions are.

• Drink if you feel like breaking the bottle over him head for thinking so.

• Swig the bottle if anything built by XYZ Enterprises during the course of the story lasts for more than six months.

• Drink a glass if Hixie Rice's latest cockamanie publicity scheme doesn't end in utter ludicrosy or catastrophe.

• Take a drink for every time Qwilleran looks over the events of the novel, realizes how Koko's actions could have been construed as clues to the crimes' solutions, considers the awesome possibility that perhaps Koko was trying to consciously communicate those things to him, then blurts out some variant of "No! NO! That's impossible!!!"

• Take another drink for every time you think that the man really ought to have come to terms with this already.

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