(The scene opens upon the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire set in New York City, just back from commercial break. Regis Philbin is entertaining a contestant in the center seat who sports a familiarly luxuriant moustache.)
Regis: We're back here with James Qwilleran, who's doing pretty well for himself on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire tonight - he's racked up $125,000 so far, and he'll be going for a quarter of a million dollars in a couple minutes. (whips out check) We have a check ready here for you, $125,000 payable to you, just to let you know we're serious--
Qwilleran (peering at check): You spelled my name wrong.
Regis (withdrawing the check to look at it): ...We did? Now, where'd we--
Qwilleran: It's written on the check using a "Q-u". It's spelled "Q-w-i-l-l-e-r-a-n".
Regis: Q-w? Are you sure?
Qwilleran: I've been sure for over fifty years, Regis.
Regis: Well, all right. ...... Q-w. Sounds like someone in your family forgot to buy a vowel. Well, this particular check might not matter in a little bit, since you're in a good position to cash it in for a bigger one - you're just three questions away from the big jackpot, from the million, and you're in good shape - all of your lifelines are still intact. How do you feel, Qwill?
Qwilleran: I'd like to say I feel confident, but, to tell you the truth, I feel like a publisher on the eve of the first edition.
Regis: Yes, it says here you used to work as a reporter for The Daily Fluxion, special features?
Qwilleran: Well, I was initially a war correspondant, until the papers decided that there wasn't interest sufficient to merit decent foreign bureaus or wars sufficient to merit decent coverage. At the Fluxion, I did mostly work in the feature departments - art, restaurant reviews, interior decorating...
Regis: Interior decorating? (both laugh) I guess that's where the war correspondant experience would come in handy, huh?
Qwilleran: More than you'd know.
Regis: Who's with you here in the studio today?
(The camera turns to a jolly, grandmotherly audience member holding a big wicker basket.)
Woman: Hi, Chief!
Qwilleran: That's my esteemed friend from Pickax and partner-in-crime, Celia Robinson, who came with me to New York to do a little sightseeing. She's escorting my immediate family members around town--
Voice inside Basket: YOW!
Regis: YEESH!! We've got wild animals in here! Boy!
(A large, show-quality Siamese sticks his head out of the basket; a smaller Siamese follows.)
Qwilleran: Ha - no, they're my family. The larger one is named Koko; the smaller, Yum Yum.
Regis: ...Koko...and *Yum* *Yum*?
Qwilleran: They're named after characters in The Mikado.
Regis: Gilbert & Sullivan, oh, I see, I see.
Qwilleran: Both were inheritances from people I met in the course of my work for The Fluxion. They're quite extraordinary.
Regis: They're Siamese, aren't they? Now, Siamese...Siamese're pretty smart, the smartest of all the breeds, right? Maybe they can help you win some more money here. Now, before we go back, I've got to ask you - Qwilleran, what is that, what're the origins of that name? Is it Welsh? What is it?
Qwilleran: I'm proud to say my family roots lie in Scotland. My mother was a Mackintosh.
Regis: Oh, so you've got that old stingy Scotch blood in you, huh? You should be able to stretch out that million dollars, then!
Qwilleran: I'm Scottish. Scotch comes in bottles.
Regis: (pauses, looks toward camera) Let's play.
(Lights dim, spotlights converge on Regis and Qwill, tense music plays.)
Regis: Which of the following plants can be used as a spice?
A) Baneberry B) Lovage
C) Belladonna D) Friar's cap
Qwilleran (taking deep breath): Cooking...is not my strong suit...all I know how to do is brew coffee, defrost frozen food, and...brown a little steak tartare for the cats' meals...
Regis: For your cats? (laughter) If your cats are eating steak tartare and you're eating frozen dinners and coffee, then you need this million! (laughter) Now, I thought you told me just now that you were once a restaurant critic, you'd know a little more about food through that, right?
Qwilleran: Unfortunately, I was a gourmand, not a gourmet.
Regis (stares at Qwilleran): Yeah. Sure.
Qwilleran (stifles annoyed glance at Regis, looks back at screen): ...Belladonna...you wouldn't want to use belladonna as a spice unless you were preparing your last meal. And I doubt that anything called "baneberry" is suitable for cooking purposes. Even if it were edible, they'd never be able to commercially market something with a name like "baneberry".
(Qwilleran pauses for a bit.)
Qwilleran: I've never even heard of these other two plants.
Regis: You do have all your lifelines left, if you--
Qwilleran: Wait, now I remember. The answer is B, lovage!
Regis: B? All right, B. You made up your mind pretty quick there; are you confident it's B?
Qwilleran: I am now, yes.
Regis: Final answer?
Qwilleran: Final answer.
(The computer locks the answer in, Regis looks down at his screen and pauses...)
Regis: (looks up) You're right, for $250,000!
(Applause, then the lights dim again and the spotlights are trained on Regis and Qwill once more.)
Regis: Where'd you remember that from? One of your assignments?
Qwilleran: No, actually, I remembered that a lady friend of mine once fixed me a "natural cocktail" containing lovage. The lovage turned my stomach so that it knocked me off my feet for a whole day. That's how I knew it's used as a spice, but I'm not sure that I'd exactly file it under "edible".
Regis: Well - (brings out check) - you got a quarter of a million dollars for it, which isn't bad for being knocked out for a day...
Qwilleran (peering at check again): I don't mean to be picky, but..."Qwill" is just a nickname; it's not my formal first name.
Regis: (sighs) Huh?
Qwilleran: The check's made out to "Qwill Qwilleran"...
Regis: (looks at check, looks at Qwilleran) The paper ever have any problems spelling your name right? (laughter)
(turning to screen) OK...for $500,000: which of the following birds is the smallest when full-grown?
A) Brown noddy B) Black-bellied plover
C) Loggerhead shrike D) Pied-billed grebe
Qwilleran: Hmmm. Well, I myself don't know a silly goose from a lame duck - but I have an amateur ornithologist in my life who most certainly would know the answer to this question. I'd like to place a call to Polly.
Regis: We can do that. Let's get Polly on the line for you...
(The studio's speakerphone dials Polly's number; after a few rings, someone picks up on the other end.)
Regis: Hello, is this Polly?
Polly: Yes?
Regis: Hi, Polly, Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. How are you tonight?
Polly: Well, my, I'm...flustered! Qwill, are you there?
Regis: How do you know Qwill, Polly?
Polly (beaming): We've been very close friends for a considerable length of time.
Regis: Ohhh! (turns to Qwilleran) So I suppose she's the cocktail lady!
Polly: The curry lady? Why, yes, I am!
Qwilleran: Yes, Polly's curries are--
Regis: No, I meant the cocktail lady, the lovage cocktails?
Polly: What cocktails?
Regis: Ohhh-kay, guess not. Polly, your friend Qwill needs some help right now - he's already won $250,000 and is going for half a million dollars. He's going to come on the line now and read a question with four possible answers, one of them correct, and he needs your help to pick out that correct answer. The next voice you'll hear on the line will be Qwill's.
Qwilleran: Which of the following birds is the smallest when full-grown: A) Brown noddy; B) Black-bellied plover; C) Loggerhead shrike; D) Pied-billed grebe?
(All wait; no answer.)
Qwilleran: ...You might have to redial her number. The phone line connections are very unstable in Moose--
Polly: Before I answer, Qwill, I'd think it only fair for you to tell me who that woman was he was talking about.
Qwilleran: ...What woman?
Polly: The "cocktail lady".
Qwilleran: Polly, we don't have time for--
Polly: My. You're so eager to get what you want, and so hasty to dispense with my concerns.
Qwilleran: Look, Polly, she was one of the antique dealers I interviewed for the series on Junktown Down Below. I had to visit with a great many people to put together that story, male and female--
Polly: Oh, really? How many of these "cocktails" did you have, then, Qwill?
Qwilleran: You're twisting this around! This was not in the context of a social situa--
Polly: TELL ME WHO SHE WAS!!
Qwilleran: POLLY, PLEASE, JUST GIVE ME THE BLASTED--
(The 30 seconds expire; the phone connection is cut.)
Qwilleran (muttering): À bientôt.
(Regis pauses and looks at Qwilleran.)
Regis: ...Whew. I want to say that I hope I didn't get you in trouble, but I don't...I don't think it'd do any good.
Qwilleran: You don't need a lifeline to know the answer to that question, no.
Regis: All right, we'll try to regroup here. You do have two of your lifelines left, if you want to make use of any of them...
(Qwilleran pores over the answers again, then...)
Qwilleran: I'd like to use my 50/50.
Regis: Sure. Computer, please take away two of the wrong answers, leaving only the correct answer and one wrong answer.
(The computer does so; only "A) Brown noddy" and "C) Loggerhead shrike" remain.)
Regis: You're left with "brown noddy" and "loggerhead shrike".
(Qwilleran ponders the question some more.)
Qwilleran: Hmmm...as I said, I'm not in the best position to answer this...but it seems to me that anything named a "noddy" couldn't be that big. I would guess that the brown noddy would be the most logical answer.
Regis: Brown noddy. Final answer?
Voice off-camera: YOW!!
(laughter)
Regis (pauses with faux-exasperated expression, looks over Qwill's shoulder at Koko): WHO ASKED YOU?!
Qwilleran: On second thought, I'll go with the loggerhead shrike. Koko's never steered me wrong before, and he's more of an expert on birds than I am.
Regis: (pauses) Well, of course he would be - he's a cat! He'd know about birds because he probably brings them home for his dinner!
Qwilleran: (laughs) Koko is a strictly indoor cat. But I'd still like to choose C.
Regis: C. (looks down, pauses, looks back up at Qwilleran) Confident?
Qwilleran: No, but Koko appears to be, and that's good enough for me.
Regis: Final answer?
Qwill: Yes!
(The computer locks the answer in, the music stops, Regis looks down at his screen, pauses, looks back up with a poker face on, pauses again, then...)
Regis: Well, how 'bout that? Koko's right, you're right, "loggerhead shrike" is the correct answer!!
(More applause, held this time for a while longer, then the lights once again are dimmed and the spotlights turned on.)
Regis: Wow! An impressive performance - by both of you! Not many people have made it this far, up to winning $500,000... (takes out check)
Qwill (looks at check made out to "Merlin Qwilleran"): ...Forget it.
Regis: Now, this - this is it, the one million dollar-question. If you get this right, you get the million, but if you miss, you'll be taken down by $468,000 to $32,000, you understand that. Of course, you can also choose to take the $500,000 and walk away if you feel you just can't answer the question. Absolute silence in the audience, please. Here we go.
In which state was nineteenth-century mining tycoon Ephraim Goodwinter supposedly lynched?
A) Minnesota B) Michigan
C) Wisconsin D) Illinois
Qwilleran: (breathes sigh of relief) Now this subject I do know. Ephraim Goodwinter lived in Moose County; he'has quite a legacy back home! Not a particularly favorable legacy, but...
Regis: Well, finally, here we go! Could this get any easier? You're obviously the guy to ask about this! Mr. Q-W-i-l-l-e-r-a-n, for one - million - dollars, the state where Ephraim Goodwinter was supposedly hung is -
Qwilleran: ...
.........
.........
.........
.........I...don't know.
Regis: (looks at Qwilleran) You "don't know"?
Qwilleran: I don't know!!
Regis (making usual Regis incredulous expressions and effusive gesticulations): But you just said he lived in the same state that you do!! (leans in) The plane that you took to get to New York - what state were you in when you got on it?
Qwilleran: You don't understand! I honestly can't say! No one's ever mentioned what state Moose County is in!
Regis: (pauses, leans forward) You're from the control room, aren't you? Did one of the guys from backstage send you out here, or what?
Qwilleran: I'd...like to poll the audience.
(The audience is polled; the results come out pretty much even for all four choices.)
Qwilleran: Damn the equivocalities of evocatively ambiguous prose!
(The next day, at the Something offices.)
Junior: So, what did happen after the show was pre-empted?
Qwilleran: Sudden power failure in the studio. At least, that's what we think happened - something cut the juice to the lights and electronic equipment, at any rate. I have my suspicions as to what, but I didn't stick around to fully ascertain them.
Junior: Huh? You just left? Without taking the money?
Qwilleran: (nods) After the blackout, the producers started swarming about and throwing a few malevolent glances my way, jabbering about how much lost ad revenue this was going to cost them and the legal implications of having to restart the game... After tracking down Koko, Celia and I figured that it'd be better if we just packed it in and escaped before we became contestants on Who Wants to Be a Litigant.
Junior: Hey, where was Koko? Wasn't Celia there to watch him?
Qwilleran: He got away from her during the million-dollar-question flap. We had to spend 45 minutes in hostile territory among craven TV producers searching for that blasted cat!!
Junior: Where'd you finally find him?
Qwilleran: In the control room. Outside the control room, actually. Celia and I searched all around until one of the TV crew members told us that he was wreaking havoc in there. The fellow led up to the control room - most of the technicians were outside; I suppose they're not accustomed to dealing with seven pounds of yowling Siamese - but Koko bolted out the door as soon as we opened it. We ran after him, but he lost us. We finally decided to retrace our steps and wandered back - and there that scoundrel was, sitting in the basket with Yum Yum. Cats!
(putting on jacket) It's been a long two days. I'm going down to the library to see Polly.
Junior (smirking): Oh, are you trying out for Who Wants to Be a Corpse now?
Qwilleran: I think we've had enough of those sort of jokes, son.
(Back at Qwill's barn/house; Celia has brought the cats home.)
Celia: Ahh - it's good to be back in Moose County! It's really too bad Mr. Q didn't get the chance to take the top prize in that quiz show, though. But it still was quite an adventure - especially for you, eh, Koko?
Koko (jumping out of basket with Yum Yum): Yow.
Celia: To tell you the truth, I'm glad you gave all those big-city studio suits such a hard time! Haaahahaha... (reaches in basket) ...Eh? What's this, now?
(Celia pulls...a large wad of cash out of the picnic basket.)
Celia: Oh...my! How did this get in here?! Mr. Q didn't get any of his prize winnings...Koko, did you do this?
Koko: Yow!
Celia (looking at cash): Well! You'll be eating well tonight! (pauses) But you eat well every night. (pauses again) I wonder if that spy catalog still has any of those miniature concealable tape recorders in stock?
(Meanwhile, at the set of Who Wants to Be A Millionaire...)
Regis (mumbling to himself): Yeesh, what a week. And the phones still don't work--what the...
(Regis notices that the decorative, money-filled glass case in front of the contestant podium has been opened.)
Regis: Hey! This's open! Is this supposed to be open? Does anyone know? This doesn't look full to me. Now, wait a minute... (examining lock) It's been PICKED!! How did...
.........
.........
I wonder if that guy lived near Lake Michigan.
Back to the Ronald Frobnitz and Family index.