Oh, certainly, the Cat Who... books are firmly planted on the side of Good and Right...but can would-be villains take any of the knowledge gleaned from the mysteries to heart and put it into practical use? Come along with me, and learn from the mistakes of previous perpetrators...
Mountclemens: There's such a thing as being too overdressed for a murder. After all, if you plan on stabbing a person to death, you're only going to wind up drenched in blood anyway, and that smell's only going to end up overpowering everything else.
G. Verning Tait: Persons who perpetrate harm upon those of the feline persuasion will not escape the Wrath of God - or, in this case, Wrath of Author, which, if you're a fictional character, is pretty much the same thing. If Tait had bothered to read "The Sin of Madame Phloi", this could all have been avoided.
Ben Nicholas: He turned a cat into a pincushion. See above Law of Authorial Wrath. Also, authors think it's wacky to have Santa be your killer.
Dan Graham: He threw a cat into a kiln. See above law. Also, it's hell being the Other Man in the Sleuth's love triangle. So, y'see, the guy was twice-doomed.
One more thing to note, though - when the sleuth confronts you with irrefutable evidence of your guilt, you don't get mad, tell him to get the hey out, then try to kill him in the night stealthy-like, giving him time to blurt his suspicons out in the interim. You kill him then and there, stuff him someplace in your workshop, then run like heck.
Stanley Hanstable: Relying on the idiocy and complacency of the local yokels only goes so far. Country songs aside, it ain't a good idea to be the one who shot the sheriff (or bludgeoned the former chief of police.
If you must dump bodies in the lake, do it at an opportune time. In broad daylight when tourist fishing trowlers are sweeping the lake is not an opportune time. (In a similar vein, it would have been interesting to see what Roger would have dredged up had he gotten that grant from Francesca for an underwater research project.)
The antithesis of Mountclemens: poor hygiene can be incriminating.
Alexander Goodwinter: Don't hook up with chicks whose names you can't pronounce. And don't be dependant on confederates who're much, much more intelligent and/or ruthless and violent and eager to kill than you. It's a classic mistake, but one well worth heeding; ever seen Fargo?
Herb Hackpole and Gritty Goodwinter: Past felonies you committed do not make for good wedding-night conversation.
And buckle your seatbelt during deer season.
Harley Fitch: Spirit gum isn't failsafe, y'know. And make sure to test the bonds of your illicit love before you kill for it, OK? Say, make sure that your eternal beloved wouldn't sell you out in a heartbeat to the D.A. for a few less years in the clink.
Joanna Trupp: Horror-movie clichés work only in horror movies, where the characters are so dumb that they repeatedly engage in such stultifying behavior as splitting up when a mad killer is stalking them, entering a dark room unarmed upon hearing unsettling noises coming from that direction, etc. In reality, past-and-future-victim lists written in a substance supposed to simulate blood are very incriminating - especially if they're written in such a distinctively feminine substance as lipstick in a place that only plumbers can and have accessed and you're the only female plumber in town.
Vince Boswell: When you kill off a character as beloved as Iris Cobb, there's no way in Hades you're going to get away with it. There just isn't. Not even, gauging fan reaction, if you're Lilian Jackson Braun.
The Pennimans and their confederates: Institutionalized wealth can get away with anything. Not a revelation, unfortunately.
Steve O'Hare et al.: Mystery Rule #207: the best way to resolve a love triangle between Sleuth, Love Interest, and Other Party in any given mystery is to make Other Party the perpetrator, thereby affirming the Sleuth's suspicions about his or her rival, vindicating the Sleuth's jealousy, and providing an effortless way to eliminate the Sleuth's competition for the Love Interest's affections.
Also, LISTEN TO ME: if you're going to kill a guy to make sure he doesn't change his will to cut you out of his inheritance - make sure he hasn't already done so BEFORE killing him.
Sherry Hawkinfield: As with Stanley Hanstable, again, relying on the idiocy and complacency of the local yokels only goes so far. Also, if you're going to have a pretty-boy D.A. as your accomplice, make sure he can actually hit a 220-pound target with a dining-room chair.
Oh, yes, and one more thing - make sure you have a brain and a spine before committing a prosecutable offense. If, after being found out, your ifirst instinct is not to deny, fight, or flee, but to merely sit down just because some unarmed putz tells you to, maybe a life of crime just isn't the profession for you.
Melinda Goodwinter: Psychotherapy and failed-relationship support groups are cheaper alternatives to murder and kidnapping. Don't let your first rejection get you down - there're plenty of other gold-laden millionaires out there for a young, nubile young doctor to dig!
Betty & Claude: Don't make unnecessary appearances at the previous residence of your victim so that nosy friends and relatives of the deceased can recall your conspicuous, unexplained presence and get suspicious. Cheap-looking wigs and hats do more to draw attention to your appearance than to conceal it.
Also, try to limit your murders to one or two a year. Places get reputations - even the most oblivious neighborhood isn't going to fail to notice a suicide rate of several a year forever - and there's such a thing as being too greedy. Don't let your ambitions outstrip your ingenuity or criminal-class savoir faire; if your first instinct when fleeing the law is to drive to Mexico rather than using some of your ill-gotten gains to hop a jet to Europe or South America and your idea of showing yourselves and your victims a good time is taking them out for cheese steaks at the racetrack, chances are you're trying to con your way into more bucks that you really know how to properly spend.
Jack & Noisette: If you're a wealthy socialite and a cosmopolitan young Frenchwoman getting together to commit crimes, for heaven's sake, do it with the class befitting your stations. Booby-trapping B&B steps and poisoning hotel food are so urbane.
And, while dead hotel guests rank high up on the tourist-deterrent scale, there're less incriminating ways of disposing of dead husbands than dumping them in the resort pool - especially when you have a whole, big, unsearchable Dark Forest at your disposal.
Floyd Trevelyan: "Lionella". Never trust anyone whose name sounds like that of a cheap exotic dancer.
Vic Greer: Generally speaking, frozen turkeys aren't a practical evidence-disposal method.
Danielle Carmichael: If you dress obnoxiously, act obnoxiously, speak obnoxiously, and, most importantly, have an obnoxious laugh, chances are good you're gonna get written out of the books real soon. And there're only two ways of leaving Moose County - in a body bag or a paddy wagon.
Chester Ramsbottom: See above.
Ernie: If you're going to commit a murder, go ahead and make sure you're responsible for all the corpses in the story while you're at it. This really doesn't benefit you, but it sure would make the reader's mind rest a whole lot easier.
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