We update this page with Christian's family's latest condition.    I have added an archive of older diary entries to speed page loading and includes Florian's performance of "Young Man Christian".   If you are new to the page, you may wish to start from the bottom of this archive.

You may wish to check out "Heavenly Lights Children's Memorial".  It is a page with a growing number of stars on it for children who have died of cancer.  Both Christian and Malcolm have stars.

Christian's family's condition in a nutshell:

April 19, 2005 - It was to hard to update the page over Christian's birthday and Christmas.  We got through it fairly well.  For some reason St. Valentine's Day was hard this year.  

Anders and I took part in LegoRobotics competition this year.  We signed up Anders for Junior High.  We would have signed up Christian for Senior High.  We had a great cross-country ski weekend up at one of the cabins with Karen's brother Erik, and his family, Jodi and Gage.   

Karen and I often will look at each other during these events.  We both know what the other is thinking.

May 27, 2004 - We bought a Sheltie puppy.  Anders wanted a puppy for years, but I could not face the feeling that I was replacing Christian with a puppy.  I got over that.  It is a great little puppy.  It knows who is its master - Anders.  Christian would have loved it.  We could not have gotten a puppy while he was alive.  It would have been unfair with us disappearing to the hospital and then being emotionally drained when we were at home.  It would have ended up a psycho-dog.

April 1, 2004 - Made it to New York City.  Anders is helping out with a grief group for kids.  In a couple of weeks Karen and I will also help.  It is for newly bereaved families and they want to talk to us about life four years out.

Christmas 2003 - we had some enjoyment.  For me, John, it was not as much an act of endurance or survival as it was having some enjoyment.

December 13, 2003 - Christian would have been thirteen tomorrow.  We still think and talk about him everyday, even now, four years after his death.

We will be bringing a pile of collected toys over to Children's hospital on Christian's birthday, Sunday, December 14th.  Karen started a concept at our church, called Christian's Toybox.  We take Christian's old toy box over to church and folks put gifts into it.  Karen sent out an email out it to our neighborhood block watch and many have responded.  Family is pitching in as well.  Last year we took three minivan loads of toys over and filled a room over at the Children's clinic.

In October Karen was a member of a group that presented "A Chance to Dance" at the Northland Inn.  The proceeds go to the Children's Hospice and Bereavement program.  At least a couple hundred people attended.

Karen is also paired up with a recently bereaved mother in International Falls.  She lost her kid to Wilme's Tumor.  A Wilme's Tumor took Malcolm's life four years ago.

These holidays remain a tough time for us.  We may no longer cry uncontrollably in front of others, but we still fail to find the joy in the season.  We did once; perhaps we will again.

I have been pretty happy for the past week.  I think it had something to do with surviving a major holiday (Thanksgiving) without it being wrecked by my grief or anger.

I have been learning to transfer video tape to DVD.  It is hard watching our family before all the bad things started to happen.  But then again, it helps me remember we did have a time with the four of us and no cancer.

I have created a new web page for Christian.  It has one RealOne video clip.  It can be found at here.

July 11, 2003 - Warmy Bruiser, Christian's Guinea Pig died.  One of Karen's favorite pictures of Christian is of him and Warmy in the hospital.

Leslie Cornils, one of many who prayed for Christian during his BMT, will be running a marathon in memory of Christian.  It is to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  The marathon is in Dublin, Ireland.  The race is on October 27, 2003.  She has a web site for the effort.

January 25, 2003.  Finally uploaded an update to the website _and_ checked that it actually uploaded.  Florian's "Young Man Christian" is again working in archive.  I actually took the time to read the last three entries in the guest book.

I had a snow ball fight with Anders today.  To my recollection this was the first snowball fight since Christian died.  Where did the time go.  We had fun.  I feel like I have just a bit more energy. 

Karen and I have consciously chosen to act happier.  Sometimes it feels like an act, but sometimes it feels like we are actually happier.  I guess it decreases our chances of dieing with a frown on our faces; that is something.

January 5, 2003.  We got through his birthday and the holidays.  Where on 9/19 we had an OK day, his birthday we hit a low.  We basically crashed.  His birthday and the holidays make for a very tough time.  I actually recovered enough to have a good Christmas and New Years;  Karen did not.

Uncle Sverre from Norway stayed with us over the holidays.  We watched, for the first time, the video of Christian's last Christmas.  We were surprised that Sverre stayed with us then as well.  I continue to be surprised at how much of my memory of those cancer years is a blur with no real organization.

September 19, 2002.  It has been three years since I held that child.  I still think about him many times a day.  We again took Anders out of school for the day.  During today we:

There are times that I feel I may get the passion for life back in my life; but, it is not there yet.  Karen and I feel like we once could fly, and now have clipped wings.  We can still walk though.  When I say that the image of the black knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" comes to mind.

July 17, 2002.  Back from a month tour to Norway during June.  At times new memories without Christian seem to leave his image as if it were in a bubble slowly drifting away.  I hate that.  Then you have something trigger clear memories again.  I prefer clear memories, even though they are bitter sweet.

Louise, the young Australian lass, passed away June 4.  Like Christian, she still found joy in life, even as that life was collapsing around her.  Comparatively, I have infinite horizons and, except for the hole in my soul, infinite opportunity to find joy and beauty.  I owe it to Christian and Louise to always seek that joy and beauty.  A quiet jihad.

A nearby playground is tearing out a treated lumber playground for something made of different materials.  I wonder what they know...

April 27, 2002.  Anders is definitely saying "I love you" again.  He will say it many times a day.  The change of seasons has been hard.  All I seem to see is the absence of Christian as kids head out to skateboard or bike. 

I have become fixated with the treated lumber I used in building the kids a playset.  We watched some video for the first time.  It covered the summer before Christian was diagnosed.  There I was, building, with great care, a playset out of treated lumber.  They are removing treated lumber from the residential market in a couple of years.  There seems to be a link with health issues - including leukemia.  I searched on the web.  It seems in the late 80's and early 90's there was a solid tumor and leukemia issue with workers at treated lumber plants.  This is something worth fixating on.  Has anyone noticed that building supply places are no longer practically giving away treated lumber with playset deals?  Has anyone noticed that some playgrounds are removing the treated lumber playsets?  Do you you know the chemical used to treat lumber is an insecticide and not a fungicide?  It is an arsenic based compound.  To think that the concern in 1995 was that treated lumber was linked to problems with slivers and not cancer is amazing.  I choose the lumber, sanded the lumber and routed the edges due to the concern over slivers.  Had I only known...  

A friend of the Redmond's has a kid that was diagnosed this past week with a rare neurological cancer.  Their common doctor at Children's remarked that the cancer rate is still increasing.

Don't use treated lumber.  Rotten wood is far easier to deal with than cancer - even if you have to demolish your house and build from scratch.

March 28, 2002.  Anders and I went to a French immersion weekend camp way up north.  It was a great deal of fun.  Spent a night in the infirmary with a kid vomiting from a severe migraine.  That brought back some Kung-Fu flashbacks. 

Switching to the new ISP for this web page took some effort.  The old site had an fair number of hidden problems that were uncovered during the move.  As I found myself reading some of the entries I had not read for probably a year, I felt quite drained - sad and angry. 

I was quite surprised to find that, even though I had thought the guest book was stale, it was rather active.  I am slowly working backwards to answer some of the many kind thoughts left there.  Thanks for continuing to think of my family so fondly.

Our web friend, Louise, in Australia, has relapsed.  She is the same age Christian would have been.  I doubt she would refuse any prayers.

January 25, 2002.  We survived Christmas.  I, John, had a very hard time celebrating.  In the last fourteen days before Christmas, we were invited to twelve different functions.  With the non-stop running, I failed to get into the spirit.  The day after Christmas, shoveling snow, I thought about how Christian would have been out there with me.  I lost it emotionally and was not able to pull it back together for days.

December 14 - Christian's 11th.  Anders surprised us by saying the words "I love you" for the first time since he said these words to Christian, moments before he died.  We hardly knew how to respond.  We got the Christmas tree up and went out to dinner to one of Christian's favorite places with Uncles Karl, Christopher and Granny M.

November 17 - Went to see Harry Potter yesterday - something Christian would have loved.  Going to a great kid-thing is always something of a manic-depressive kind of thing.  It was great fun sitting there with Karen and Anders.  The moment it was over, I noticed a father with a young - maybe four year old - kid;  my spirit sunk missing Christian.

October 1 - The three of us went on a road trip to the Michigan U.P. in August.  I saw Anders walk into the same classroom Christian was to enjoy third grade with the same teacher. We observed the second anniversary of Christian's death, taking Anders out of school for the day  We started to assemble a framed collage of photos of Christian before the disease; these photos had been on a poster board displayed during Christian's funeral and has sat quietly near his desk.  Karen has had a very hard time visiting the cabins without Christian. 

It has been a very busy two months that has had a low level emotional drain.  We are still constantly saying to each other - Karen and I - how much Christian would have loved this or that.  He is still very much on our minds day and night.  Even September 11 could not change that.

It has been over two years since we have heard Anders say "I love you".

August 7 - Karen and I met with our 20th anniversary with little fanfare.  My heart was just not in any celebration.  Missing the first flower of our marriage dampened my spirits.

Anders celebrated his ninth birthday.  He now has celebrated one more birthday then Christian.  Karen made it a special day for Anders.  He had a Harry Potter theme for the party; Christian would have loved that.  They also played the game Christian enjoyed a huge amount - wrapping each other like mummies in toilet paper.  Malcolm's surviving brothers Duncan and Aidan were there.

We have been swimming almost every day for a couple of weeks.  Christian had been checking Brother Michael's pool temperature since May 1999, until his death, just waiting for a chance to go swimming.  Our block party went on as always.  The fire trucks he used to climb through were there.

I have trouble celebrating milestones.  It has something to do with wanting to stop the clock and go back two or more years.

June 30 - I found great joy watching The Lion King for the first time in years.  It was one of Christian's favorites when he was a little guy, before cancer.

June 23 - I find Father's day odd.  For the past week I have been haunted by very good memories of Christian's life and some very bad, dark memories.  I noted only one person, outside of Karen and I, mentioned Christian during the day.  It was as if folks want to forget about this unfortunate reminder that life is imperfect.

June 4 - Anders got braces on his teeth today.  While sitting next to him reassuring him it would be OK, I could not help but think of all the times we did the same for Christian.  Christian would have been excited about getting his braces - choosing colors and what not, just like normal kids.

May 20 - Anders went to a bereaved sibling camp for the week-end.  He was so excited to go.  Karen and I were of mixed emotions.  He got to see other kids sad about their siblings.  He got to see others cry.  Hopefully he will come to accept tears are OK.  In a bereaved parenting meeting we were warned that, for children, the grief can surface many years after loss, sometimes decades.  It can destroy marriages and sour school.

Karen and I had a quite, sad and somewhat angry weekend.  We went out to dinner twice at trendy restaurants and had breakfast at a trendy coffee shop.  I am starting to dig my shop out of five years of no use.

April 13 - This time of year bring back all the relapse and presentation memories.  Although the number of happy memories are gaining ground against the sad memories, the sad ones still can grip our minds.

We are watching a new series on the Discovery Channel call "Robotica".  It is a game show pitting home built radio controlled robots against one and other.  I had promised Christian that we would build a robot out of these parts I had.  We never got there.  He would have loved that show.  His brother and cousins are riveted by it.

Two years ago today tests were being taken on Christian to confirm his third relapse.

March 16 - Karen and I made it back to one of the grief groups we participate in.  It felt good to take some time out to take care of ourselves.

March 9 - We had a fun time in the Dells.  We shared the trip with another bereaved family and a friend from Seattle days with her two kids (sans ex-spouse).  Three families; three holes.  We felt safe with them.

I have been haunted for a couple weeks by the memory of wrapping Christian's body in white linen before it was taken away.  I remember how it clung to his face and I could still see all his features and I kissed his forehead and said "Good-bye, buddy."

February 23 - We seem to be just drained of energy.  Where we hear other parents reflecting on their busy schedules getting their kids from one school event to another, we still are ruminating on scenes, some very dark, of Christian's life.  There is a prayer that is repeated at grief groups is a mantra on how the lost will be remembered in spring, summer, ... .  I remember that kid while I am shoveling snow, driving to work, looking up at the blue sky and hundreds of other times.

We are getting Anders to gymnastics on Saturday morning.  It is all any of us are up to.  We are taking him out of school for two days to go crash in the Wisconsin Dells.  This is what we had promised Christian every winter since his diagnosis.  We never got a chance as there was always a relapse haunting him and we were always spent emotionally.

Go take a three or four day weekend with your kids somewhere.  You never know what may be haunting your family, God forbid that there be anything.

February 5 - We have almost finished another of Christian's untouched Christmas gifts.  Duncan, Malcolm's brother is completing it in his stead. 

We have attended two birthday adult birthday parties in the past two weeks.  They make Karen and I sad.

Anders' quote:  "Things that normally taste good, taste yucky at school - like lasagna."  I guess lasagna made out of ketchup and tatertots with cheese over the top is pushing the definition of lasagna.

January 19 - Anders and I spent several nights this week finishing "Bugs Life" on the Playstation; it was Christian's game we played a great deal in the transplant unit.  This week end we hope to work on some of the Christmas gifts given to Christian dating back to 1997 for which we never had time or energy.

January 7 - Some of the darkest memories of Christian's struggles have been haunting Karen and I over the past several weeks.  During a tennis match, when I can generally put all worries out of mind, Christian's death scene popped into my head.  I was just stunned, but shook it off.  I can only guess this is my subconscious answer to grief during the holidays.  I fell apart during a hymn today in church.  Keeping busy seems to just "gunny sack" grief, then at the first quiet time it seems it all gets dumped out.

One does not "get over" being a bereaved parent.  A bereaved parent is something you become.  You can no more "get over it" than you can get over being human.

December 30 - We were kept so busy with visitors from out-of-town, we flew threw the last seven days.  We are spent.  We cannot say we were either refreshed or consoled by taking the past week off.  Sometimes you just need some quiet time.

December 23 - Merry Christmas.  We will have a Merry Christmas; it will have a huge hole in it though.  Uncle Sverre is in town from Norway.  We will be sharing dinner with our extended family three nights in a row, so we will be kept busy.

December 17 - It was Christian's tenth birthday this past Thursday; he would have been ten.  We took Anders out of school for the day and spent most of it at the Mall of America.  We saw 102 Dalmatians, had lunch at Alamo Grill (where we sat at a table we had once sat at as a family of four) and did a little bit of shopping.  We bought a Christmas tree and set it up that night.  Karen made ten ice luminaries and we had them lit most of the evening.  Happy Birthday, Buddy!  I hope you were with us.

Today a friend of the Redmond's hosted a Christmas party where the theme was to bring an unwrapped gift for somebody spending Christmas on 4200 (oncology), 4100 (short stay) and PICU over at Children's St. Paul.  Childlife specialists would play Santa.  The party was in memory of Christian and Malcolm.

December 10 - We will be remembering what would have been Christian's tenth birthday this coming week.  Karen has been sifting through family pictures again.  Between the two issues, we have both been thinking of Christian a great deal.  I would have thought that after a year plus, passing through his birthday would not start affecting me two weeks in advance.

We transferred video that covered his original diagnosis back in 1996.  We have video of him dancing on the bed six days before his diagnosis and Karen saying in the background, "You have to get dressed now so we can go see the doctor."   The video jumps forward almost two weeks and there he his, acting out a spinal tap and blood draw with his stuffed dog Rex, setting up an operating room in the kitchen and teaching a friend how to perform a surgical procedure.  We see him taking his prednisone and reaching for Karen and pleading, "I want you, Mom".  We saw what he looked like after gaining 25% of his body mass in two weeks due to prednisone.

What that kid did to cope and survive.  We have about sixteen hours of video to transfer and view for the first time.  It will be a different yuletide.  We are sure glad we bought the video camera the first week Christian was alive, though it is now bitter sweet.

December 1 - We went to a memorial service for families that lost a child at Children's - St. Paul in the last twelve months.  It was hard to see a couple of kids we did not know had passed were represented.  A couple sets of twins were lost on the day they were born.  The hematology/oncology team at Children's seems to expanding every time we see them again.

November 25 - We got through our second year without Christian at the Thanksgiving table.  We had guests for the holiday which helped distract us.

November 4 - My first week at Kodak went well.  It appears only nice people work there, much like at Honeywell.  Walking out of the building the first day I felt like I had walked into a wall - life was proceeding without Christian.

October 27 - Malcolm's death's first anniversary.  We had dinner with the Redmond's after sharing a short ceremony at Malcolm's grave site with about forty other folks.

We transferred the video of Christian's last days.  He was so strong it will always be hard to reconcile ourselves with how we quit.  We have a few minutes of him and Malcolm about eighteen hours before Christian died.  Malcolm had Christian so happy just sitting together in the hospital playing GameBoy head to head.

October 19 - We found a letter Christian had written to Malcolm back in 1998.  On the outside it said "You go Malcolm".  On the inside it said how he couldn't wait to play again and that he hoped Malcolm felt better.

I accepted a job at Kodak - a one year contract through a contract house.  I start October 30.  I turned down an attractive offer from Minnetronix - a small but growing company very close to home.

Anders is going as a Harry Potter wizard - he found a purple costume.  I will go as a wizard as well.  Christian would have been one.

I am very glad Florian talked me into joining the St. Paul Indoor Tennis Club.  It suits me well.

October 13 - We believe the grief class/group Anders is participating in is enabling him to talk more about Christian's battle.  He confided in us that when he was having growing pains over the summer, he was concerned he had cancer.  What a rational fear for a kid to have.

I found the meat tenderizer under the laundry sink this week.  I used it to help get all the blood out of Christian's clothing during transplant.  It was a bad reminder.  I had informed the hospital billing group that a year after his death, I was going to ignore any further statements.  I am continuing to get bills from as early as Jan 1998.  The current rash of bills have to do with the billing group sending them to the wrong address for the insurance provider.  This will be one bad reminder I will have control over.  By the end of the coming week I intend to throw out all billing records for Christian's treatment.

I feel increasingly distant from Christian and I hate it.

October 6 - We had another hamster die on us.  It appears we have a faulty water bottle.  This sent Karen into a funk knowing the poor thing probably died of thirst.

I won my first three set match against Florian.  The job hunt is starting to get very stimulating.

September 29 - We finished transferring one of many video tapes.   Overall it was a good thing.  It was hard to hear Christian talk about one of his many possessions (a paper making kit) he never got a chance to use. 

Here is a suggestion: If you give a kid in the hospital a kit or game, budget some time in the hospital to play it with him/her.  The parents may have no intellectual or emotional energy to give the kit or game. Many times folks graciously dropped in and gave Christian a gift.  It made his day.  It was wonderful.   Then the people left and it was Karen and I sitting there drained emotionally having to find the energy to open the game and try to figure out how to play it.  Sometimes the game was played rarely if ever, even though it was a wonderful gift and gesture and very much appreciated. A gift is great; a gift given with time is much better.   I hope this does not sound like I am griping.

Karen and Anders are attending another series of grief group/classes.   Anders had to get stitches because he spontaneously did a face plant on his desk at school.  I was glad that Karen and I were there for both having them put in and taken out;  for so long Christian was the focus of attention in clinics, it was oddly nice to be there for Anders.

September 22 - We gained enough strength to start transferring video we have taken over the past four years, but have not had the strength or time to look at.   It is so very touching to see this most beautiful child moving and speaking.   I can only thank again the many people who made his life so full, whether it was being part of his life directly or by supporting his family in so many ways.

There is surprising news on the tennis front.

September 19, the anniversary of his death -

It was a hard weekend.  Other bereaved parents had warned us that the actual date does not hit as hard as the weekday anniversary of your child's passing.    Saturday and Sunday were surprisingly hard for us.  Just one year ago we did what we believed was the best remaining thing to do for our child - bring him home to die.  We were at our best and we failed; this is true irony. 

I still remember Christian getting up out of his place in the couch to come sit next to his cousin Adam at the dinner.  It hurt to see him sitting there doing what we thought was nodding off to sleep.  He was dying.  He didn't see the sun rise the next morning.  I hope Jolayne will always know her meal she had brought over was the last thing he ever ate.

Below is a copy of a letter we sent out to the many who helped us.   For those we did not get a copy out to, this is for you.  Thanks to the many folks that have kept checking out this web page.  We really do not know who you are, but by doing so you quietly let us know we are not alone.  There are times that this knowledge really helps.

Some days I feel guilty that I have not thought about him, then I start tallying the times I have thought about him and I realize I think of him continuously, everyday.