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Official Press Release: Straw Poll Announcement
DESPITE the excitement of the Iowa straw poll, which galvanized the nation the other day, according to a CBS News poll, only 9 percent of registered voters say they are paying much attention to the 2000 presidential races.
In light of all that, it occurred to me that a larger percentage of the people might be more interested in the campaign for network president. Although it may be hard to equal the thrills of an Al Gore vs. Bill Bradley debate, my bid for the presidency of a commercial network has galvanized the readers of this column.
The campaign for perhaps the most important election of the new millennium - more people are involved with, and passionately care about, television than politics - began in February, when the communications world was stunned to learn of my bid for the presidency. Throwing my remote control into the ring publicly flew in the face of tradition.
Usually elections for president of networks are closed-door affairs. Often, there isn't even a real election. Decisions are rammed through by the big bosses. The people have no say.
The old way of picking network presidents had its flaws. Dissatisfaction with programing is rife in all demo groups. Years of boss rule are summed up in the old folk saying about TV: "There's never anything on" - no matter how many new networks.
To those who question the qualifications of a mere TV critic to run a network, my response to the killjoys, as my staff spin doctor David Morris of Douglaston has noted, is: "If a wrestler can be a governor, a critic can be chief of programing."
I have written essays on the values of "Homicide" and the weakness of "Melrose Place." I have recognized the hidden treasures, such as "Sports Night" and "Everybody Loves Raymond," before the audience recognized them. And, as my spin doctors have explained, I understand more than 80 percent of both "MST3K" and "Dennis Miller Live."
It's time to clean up the mess in L.A., as a member of the Kitman transition team, Ed Burke of Riverhead, argues, "where they believe the greatest artistic improvement in the 20th Century is silicone breast implants." Not that I'm against full figures.
To prove that I am a serious candidate, my first act will be laying off 300 people an hour, regardless of whether that helps the network programing. To get in practice, I have begun laying off family members. The first to go were my older children and my wife - though I've hired them back again as office temps.
Existing presidents of networks, I believe, should not just be fired, but put in work- release programs. For the crimes they have perpetrated against us, they should be forced to watch UPN every night for as many years as they've been on the job.
You have seen my worthy opponents' programs for many years. Say no more about what they stand for. Their actions speak louder than words.
What I stand for is "Fawlty Towers," "Northern Exposure," "Yes, Minister," "Shannon's Deal," "The Critic" and no more "Star Trek" derivatives.
I promised that if elected I would revolutionize TV. Among my campaign planks:
- No more bad programs.
- No more laugh tracks.
- No more sweeps.
- No more commercials interrupting dramas.
- No more premature cancellations of good programs like "Nothing Sacred" and "Cupid."
What I'm against should also be revealing. To save viewer eyesight, there should be a clause contractually prohibiting Dennis Franz from exhibiting his heavily marbled flanks on "NYPD Blue." As a position paper by Kitman transition team adviser Elizabeth Lowe of Manhattan explains, this would spare viewers "some of the scariest shower scenes since 'Psycho."
I am also pledged to kill "Saturday Night Live" after its 25th season ends in May, 2000. "It has now been seven years since I laughed at a joke on that show," explained the Dr. Kevorkian of my staff.
And where do I stand on the issue of network mergers? As my official ghostwriter Glenn Schmid of North Babylon has advised me to say, "I don't think we're ready for an NBCBS. Things are bad enough with them competing."
For more details, free campaign literature is available at the Kitman for President campaign headquarters at the official campaign Web site: http://www.marvinkitman.com
How do I actually expect to get elected? Nobody likes to reveal campaign strategy early in the game. At this point I will only say I am a candidate for the presidency of a network with three letters (except UPN). And I'm running for all four network presidencies at the same time, to keep my options open.
I will be holding a press conference at Kitman for President headquarters Sept. 8 at which my secret victory strategy will be revealed. The press conference is open only to those whose credentials include owning a TV set and having Internet access.
All of this is by way of saying that I am conducting a straw poll to prove that at least one candidate has a true mandate from the people. It pits the four major programing chiefs against the dark horse. This may be plucking straws in the wind, but pundits say I may have a chance today. But you never know. There is a Stop Kitman movement on the Coast. They may gang up on me.
WARNING: Unlike the Iowa straw poll that made so many headlines, we are not paying for votes.
You can access the straw poll right here, online! |
