|
Official Press Release: Kitman Says 'Passions' Soap Opera is Washed Up
IF I WERE PRESIDENT of NBC, the first act of my administration would be to cancel "Passions," the big new soap opera (WNBC/4, weekdays at 2 p.m.).
This should discount the charges that I am too soft. My campaign platform- which included planks saying I never would have canceled "Nothing Sacred," "Michael Hayes," "Cupid" and several other worthwhile series-made it seem like I was one of those nice guys who couldn't pull the trigger.
The much-ballyhooed soap by James E. Reilly of "Days of Our Lives" fame-which premiered July 5 on NBC as the replacement for "Another World"-is an awful program. It is soap opera at its worst, with a high-fat content of cheesy writing, schmaltzy acting and shameful, shameless melodrama.
This was apparent from "Passions'" first day, when I saw the blonde actress who they say is Susan Lucci's daughter. Liza Huber plays Gwen Hotchkiss, the charming, well-educated socialite who is the girlfriend of highly desirable hunk Ethan Crane (Travis Schuldt). Not only all that, she has to be winner of the Worst Acting in a Soap Award for 1999.
Liza, on designer beach towels with her hunk in the opening scenes, looked like she was reading the script off the towels. Her towel was more animated and spontaneous. There's always one bad actress in every show, but the repertory company in "Passions" has to be the baddest since the invention of the orthicon tube.
And that's the good thing I have to say about "Passions." The basic plot lines laid out so far are inane drivel, derivative, passionless and just plain dumb, except for one that is so meretricious it is mind-boggling. A cause alone for cancellation is a story line exploiting the death of Princess Diana.
In case you missed it, and the majority of Americans did, judging by the ratings, I'm talking about beloved wealthy socialite Aunt Sheridan Crane (McKenzie Westmore), who is in Paris searching for happiness and mourning the death of her best friend, Princess Di. Not only does she dress like Diana, she goes to a memorial with a bouquet every day. They are such close buds, there was even a flashback showing Sheridan on the phone with Di, revealing that Di and Dodi were on the way to Sheridan's on the night of the tragic accident.
And you'll never believe that Sheridan herself had a near-death experience in the same Paris tunnel while being chased by paparazzi. Quel coincidence! Otherwise engaged on that historic day the first week, I missed Sheridan's wreck. But as one eyewitness reported: As Sheridan lies bleeding in the car, with a book about Diana on the passenger seat, a photographer is wondering whether he should shoot the picture for the tabloids in hopes of getting a hefty payment.
The sequence is vile, a gratuitous exploitation of a tragedy. How low can you get? What's next? The Kennedy plane stopping off in the Harmony, Maine, Crane compound on its way to the wedding? Reilly, lured away from ABC by my predecessors at NBC, should stick to demonic possession, beheadings and characters being buried alive, his forte on "DOOL." You can never go wrong underestimating the intelligence of the soap opera audience, H.L. Mencken, a radio soap fan, I believe, first said. This time NBC has gone wrong with this swill.
"NBC Daytime," explained the noted soap authority Jane Anchin of Woodmere, "seems to be of the belief that they can put any piece of crap under the headline of soap, throw in some young, beautiful people walking around half-naked, with limited acting talent, throw at them truly bizarre sterileness, and women will watch it and call it Emmy-worthy. 'Passions' is truly an embarrassment." And to think they cancelled "Another World" for this soap scum! As president of NBC, I would not drag out the agony of "Passions." To the guillotine! In the second act of my administration, I would bring back, as an immediate replacement, a show that has proven itself over the years, which was canceled ahead of its time. On the advice of my vice president, Dayparts pro tem, Jennifer Lunt of Pittsburgh, I would revive "Another World." There was nothing wrong with "Another World"-except the executives who killed it. In its 35th year, "AW" was a perfectly decent, well-respected, continuing afternoon drama, that could have gone on into its second millennium-if they hadn't tried to fix it in the first place. Mostly that meant dumping the older players, like the venerated Charles Keating.
As president of NBC I would bring back the same cast. I'm sure they'd rather return to the old Brooklyn studio than scrounge around for the few jobs open to soap stars of a certain age.
In the meantime, I would join as an amicus curiae in support of a class-action suit for the victims of TV ageism, the lust for youth that is the poison pill being fed to all commercial networks by Madison Avenue, cable or whoever else is in the conspiracy to destroy TV as we know it.
"Another World" ended with Rachel Corey (Victoria Wyndham) back in the arms of Carl Hutchins (Charles Keating). I'm still wondering what happened to the happy couple, as well as to the ape who interrupted a wedding. Not to mention all the other regulars in the show that normal people like my favorite "AW" fan, Mary Anne Alvino of Mineola, loved and couldn't wait to find out about every day. It was a classy show that combined good soap storytelling with elements of humor that kept people engaged since 1964.
A note of clarification: Pundits shouldn't take this column as a long-awaited announcement about which network presidency I had in mind when I first said I would rather be president (of a network) than write. I want to make it perfectly clear that I am not saying I am running for president of NBC. So far, I have only said I'm in the race for the presidency of a network with three letters. Indeed, I am running for all four major networks at the same time, in order to keep my options open. Expect a more detailed explanation of campaign strategy as the Official Famous Kitman for President steamroller roars on to L.A. in August. |
