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Official Press Release: The Campaign Platform
I WANT TO THANK all the people who responded to the good news that I had decided to run for network president. The number of supporters - using the trusted Nielsen method of multiplying each viewer in its sample by 27,000 - is truly awesome, as they say in L.A., a mandate from the people. There already are Kitman for President chapters in Tucson, Ariz., and Lake Arenal, Costa Rica. The rush to get on board as the Kitman steamroller pulls out of the station is gratifying and humbling.
For those who missed this important event in TV history, I promised in my campaign kickoff column of Feb. 15 that if elected, I would revolutionize TV. Among my campaign planks:
- No more bad programs.
- No more laugh tracks.
- No more sweeps. Good programing all year round, especially in the summer.
- No more single-female-in-New-York-media shows.
- No more killing of favorite shows. Never again will "Cupid" be wasted - or "Nothing Sacred," "Michael Hayes," "Murder One," "EZ Streets," "Relativity," "My So-Called Life," "Shannon's Deal," "The Critic," "Profit" - before everybody has had a chance to see them.
My TV viewer's Bill of Rights also promised to make Charlie Rose shut up. And, in response to the pleadings of Vincent Grasso of Valley Stream, I promised to do something so that no more misery befalls the "Party of Five" children. "How much misery and horror can one family take?"
I am happy to report that already there is division among Kitman supporters. A radical wing, led by Paul Boltax of Great Neck, wants a moratorium on all new sitcoms until the millennium - at least. I am a moderate on the issue. But I do agree with campaign theorist Sal D'Angelo of West Babylon, who has called for "the elimination or reduction of the constant ice champions & capades shows during prime time, and limiting country music award shows to once a month."
As the new broom to sweep out the crumbs and clean up the mess in TV, my campaign launch understandably caused alarm in the network corridors of power, Paranoia City, Calif.
If elected, I want to assure my worthy opponents, I will not be vindictive. There will not be a bloodbath. As a matter of fact, my director of transition, Dorothy Wisker of Whitestone, proposes that current heads of programing be retained as gofers. "That way they could be watched and their conduct curbed. Let them deliver papers and empty envelopes, and go for the lattes." They will also be utilized in audience research, answering phones so they personally can hear viewer complaints before they become mere numbers.
But as punishment for their past crimes, my administration would chain the former executives to their desks, requiring them to actually watch stuff they have put on the air.
In short, they have nothing to fear, as FDR once said on the radio, but fear itself. Which is quite a lot, when you come to think of it.
Deposed executives would continue to receive their old salaries under their contracts. None of this severance pay nonsense, like Mike Ovitz' getting $90 million from Disney / ABC. And none of these sweetheart deals as independent producers with the network required to buy their programs. So much of what we know as bad TV is caused by this kind of hanky-panky inflicted on viewers by my predecessors.
Anyway, the worst of the executives - Warren Littlemind of NBC - has already been swept out of office, one of my major achievements as a critic.
As the pending president, I will now reveal further details of my winning strategy. In order to keep my options open, I am running for all four major network presidencies at the same time. So convinced am I of the rectitude of my ideas and the invincibility of my campaign machinery and the rightness of my cause, I will be telling you right out in the open about my scheming.
I realize this is anathema to the industry, which is based on not telling it like it is - calling re-runs "encores" for example - but here goes.
All the networks are vulnerable, ready for takeover. But the most vulnerable is NBC. The Titanic of networks has been heading for the iceberg the past two years. Despite my warnings, they have been going straight ahead on red. True, Capt. Littlemind was thrown overboard last year, but the new management may be even worse.
How bad things are at NBC can be seen by the so-called success of "The '60s," an inconsequential little nothing of a mini-series during the February sweeps. But that didn't matter. It sold CDs. NBC immediately announced a sequel, "The '70s," which presumably will also sell CDs. Since when is a network a record store or an infomercial sponsor?
Let me say it will be the policy of the new administration to bring NBC back to its senses - not its dollars and cents. The business of a TV network, as radical as this may seem, is not merchandising. It's program content, or what used to be called entertainment.
How will I, as the new broom, operate at a network? My plan is to run the network with so-called inexperienced people, the disenfranchised, the talented people who can't create for TV because they haven't done it before.
The people who know the rules are the ones who give us 36 failures out of 37 shows - and that's in a good year. I want people who don't know the rules, who haven't mastered the stupid-pet tricks of network executives, like running your best show against the other guy's best show, ensuring that neither will be a hit.
My ideal candidate is Terry Parrett of Smithtown, who qualifies for inclusion in my kitchen cabinet by having stated: "I'm a student of the great network president, Guy Caballero. I've never seen an episode of `Hyperion Bay,' and I'd give Hank Kingsley his own show."
What I propose after my election is to establish a kind of cultural Peace Corps to tap all the underutilized TV talent out there in North and Central America, to give people of any age who want to do something for their culture an opportunity - before they move on to other, more important work in society. TV should not be a retirement home, as it is today.
Along these lines, I am advocating term limits for network presidents and their staffs. Two years and you're out. If you can't strike oil in two years, as they say in the petroleum business, stop boring. Before they go on to make millions in Wall Street or their fathers' businesses, or become prisoners in the salt mines of Cyberia, they will be helping society by joining the TVPC (Television Peace Corps).
The good news is there is still room at the top for people who want to serve as vice presidents for comedy, drama, mini-series, news, late night and soaps, or to be foot soldiers: volunteers willing to stuff envelopes, drink coffee or serve as organized spontaneous demonstrators at the next convention. |
