In a prepared statement read by her lawyer, Mrs. Claus emphasized that she bares no ill will towards her husband. She stated that she was grateful for their over two thousand years together, but it was time for her to move on with her own life.
ClausCo Enterprises spokes-elf, Ernest "Shorty" MacNeill, said that Santa was "absolutely and totally shocked" by Mrs. Claus' decision. "Santa is obviously devastated by the news. He still loves his wife very much and is open to any discussion of reconciliation." Asked if Santa accepted any blame for the breakup, MacNeill replied, "Santa looked into his heart, checked it twice, and can honestly says he's been not been naughty but nice."
Still, many of those close to the couple did not seem to be surprised by the course of events. A number of unidentified elves said they sensed the couple growing apart over the past three hundred years. Commented one, "It's not easy being married to a workaholic. Santa has always tried to be there for her, but what could he do? He's got a business to run. Christmas is a very unforgiving holiday and believe me, he's got millions of letters from disappointed brats to prove it."
There are some who are surprised that the Claus marriage lasted even this long. Employees still talk of the tension that existed 157 years ago when Santa suspected his wife of having an affair with his then chief accountant, Sid Elfman. Remembered one elf, "Santa knew when she was sleeping and he knew when she was awake, but he couldn't say for sure if she and Sid had spent a long weekend at Cancun. That really drove him crazy."
Some people close to the couple have even speculated that the root of the Claus' problems may have stemmed from their reported inability to have children. For hundreds of years, rumors have abounded around the workshop concerning Santa's possible problem with impotence. One elf, however, quickly discounted that theory. "I don't buy it. I mean, how many 2567 year old men do you know who have a bumper sticker that reads "If This Sleigh's a Rockin' Don't Come a Knockin'?" Another added, "I'm no Freudian, but let me say this: Each year, this man takes the greatest pleasure in diving down millions of chimneys all over the world. That's something you just can't fake."
So what lies ahead for the couple?
It's been rumored that Mrs. Claus recently placed a deposit for a condominium in an exclusive Arizona resort. Ironically, the development has a no children policy.
And Santa? Said one elf who's been with the jolly one longer than any other, "Sure this has hurt him in a deep and profound way. And believe me, we all feel his pain. But Santa has always been a pragmatist. He knows he has to move on. It'll take more than his old lady dumping him to douse that fire in that belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly."
"Besides," the old elf added wistfully, "Santa is still the world's number one babe magnet. And after an appropriate period of time when he feels ready to start dating again, he'll make a list and check it twice. Then he'll find out who's naughty and nice. Because dammit, he's Santa Claus and he's coming to town." 12/12/97
Back to Stuff and Other Things
Back To Main Page