| Star Wars: | |
| The force is like Duct Tape - it has a dark side, it has a light side, and it binds the universe together! | |
| Pick You Up: | |
| As you slide down the banister of life, may their be no splinters pointing the wrong way. | May the forces of evil become lost and confused on the way to your house. |
| Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. | May you live as long as you want - and never want as long as you live. |
| The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused. | |
| Web Heads: | |
| The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? | Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? |
| A much wittier reply came to mind immediately after I clicked the 'Send' button. | Email is packaged by intellectual weight, not volume. Some settling of contents may have occurred during transmission. |
| A 14.4 modem makes you want to get out and push! | Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed. |
| Don't make me use uppercase... | |
| Star Trek: | |
| "Bones! Help this man, he's injured!" "Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor not a ... oh, ummm, yeah." | He's DEAD, Jim. You grab his tricorder, I'll get his wallet. |
| "Scotty, beam us aboard". "Aye, sir. Will a 2x4 do?" | Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim |
| "Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes..." - Kirk | "Bother," said Pooh, "Eeyore, ready two photon torpedoes and lock phasers on the Heffalump. Piglet, meet me in transporter room three. Christopher Robin, you have the bridge." |
| Star Trek -The Next Generation | |
| Star trekkin' across the Universe, boldly going forward 'cuz we can't find reverse! | Blonde Klingons: Because it was a good day to dye! |
| Mr. Worf, scan that ship. - Aye Captain. 300 dpi? | And the only thing the Borg left was this Macintosh... |
| Borg-Cola: Not the choice of The Next Generation. | BorgDOS 5.0: Assimilate another (Y/N)? |
| Borger King: Have it our way, your way is irrelevant. | Cloak captioned for the Romulan impaired. |
| I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be ...ooooh donuts! | How do I set my Laser printer to 'Stun'? |
| Jean-Luc Picard and Mister Clean: Separated at birth? | McBorg'ers: Over 1,000,000 assimilated. |
| Strangely, Data finds himself relating to heavy metal. | The Borg assimilated my race & all I got was this T-shirt. |
| Honk if you've slept with Riker. | Defect borg: Refutile is sistance. Your ass will be simulated. |
| Captain's log, stardate 41358.2. I am nailed to the hull. | |
| Final exam question: Is the best part of waking up really Folgers in your cup? Provide either a comprehensive proof of the above, or a definitive counter-example. | Folklore from York University. (UK). Final philosophy exam. Question - What is courage? One student wrote 'This is' and walked out. 3 minutes into a 3 hour exam. |
| Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school- you'll be working for them in the future. | [Written in a yearbook near the spine] 'They signed your front, they signed your back, but I was first to sign the crack!' |
| Universal Truths: | |
| It doesn't matter what temperature the room is. It's always room-temperature. | All power corrupts, but we need the electricity. |
| One good turn gets most of the blankets. | No one is listening until you make a mistake. |
| Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. | Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. |
| You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. | If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left. |
| It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa. | Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstyle you like. |
| They say the grass is greener on the other side, but have you ever flipped it over? | Mankind is divided into two classes: those who earn their living by the sweat of their brow, and those who sell them handkerchiefs, cold drinks, and electric fans. |
| You have to watch out for yourself, because nobody else is going to. Especially during dodgeball. | A fight to the death between zombies has a few inherent problems. |
| Important documents will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. | I have no problem with you talking to yourself, just as long as it doesn't turn into an argument. |
| For every light on Broadway there's a twitching frog. - Budweiser Chameleon | |
| Disclaimers: | |
| The opinions expressed here are not those of my employer, my wife, my church, or myself... But they are the opinions of Elvis as revealed to me through the medium of my pet hamster, Lee Harvey Oswald... | The opinions expressed herein are those of absolutely everyone at National Instruments: the management, staff, stockholders, their spouses, children, dogs, and cats. In fact, everyone in Austin also agrees. No, make that Texas. |
| None of the ideas expressed above are actually mine. They are told to me by Luthor and Ferdinand, the five inch tall space aliens who live under my desk. | Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise. |
| The opinions above are solely those of a 12 year old hacker who has broken into my account, and not those of my employer or any other organization. | Disclaimer: the above is the author's personal opinion and is not the opinion or policy of his employer or of the little green men that have been following him all day. |
| Disclaimer: The views of my employer do not conform to my views, or to any accepted standard of logic that the Greeks thought up anyway... | The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The distinction is yours to draw... |
| (If all email was written by Microsoft) Legal Notice: Receipt of this message constitutes your unconditional acceptance of agreement with all terms, conditions, conclusions and opinions, either expressed or implied, as interpreted by the author without further clarification. Use of any information contained herein [inclusive of any and all attachments] or omitted in part or in whole from the actual message is strictly prohibited and will be subject to collection of significant financial damages. |
|
| A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp. | Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. |
| A good pun is it's own reword. | Bessie stopped giving milk the other day. She's an udder failure. |
| Math and alcohol do not mix, so don't drink and derive! | Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary. |
| Twin brothers, one named Emal and the other Juan, grew up and moved out of the country. A year later, their mother receives from Juan a letter and picture of himself. His mother sighs and mentions she wishes she had a picture from Emal as well. 'Why,' replies her husband, 'if you've seen Juan, you've seen Emal.' | A little village of Trids (like Smurfs only green) had built their water well on the top of a hill. An evil troll took over the hill and wouldn't let the Trids get any water. Every Trid that went up the hill was kicked down by the troll. Frustrated, the Trids asked the local Rabbi for help. He climbed the hill and got the water with any trouble from the troll. When he went back up the hill he asked the troll why he had not kicked him down the hill. The troll replied: Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids. |
| How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. | What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? Dam! |
| What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. | What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table. |
| What is long, brown, and sticky? A stick! | What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. |
| Mini Jokes: | |
| Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted: I am Napoleon! Another one said: How do you know? The first inmate said: G-d told me! A voice from another room shouted: I did NOT! | A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen hardened criminals. |
| A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.' | It goes without saying that the Big Sittin' Goose Decoy Blind, a product that we are not making up, is designed for hunters. The hunter reclines in a sort of beach chair, then pulls the giant goose body down over his face, making himself virtually invisible, except for the fact that his arms and legs and gun are clearly sticking out. The idea is that when geese fly overhead, they look down and think: Hey! There's a person down there engaging in an act of perversion with a giant goose! Naturally the geese want to fly down and take a closer look. Anybody would. - Dave Barry |
| Social: | |
| We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. | America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote. |
| It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. | I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is; I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat. - Rebecca West, 1913 |
| Question Authority and the Authorities will question You. | Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. |
| Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. | A conservative is a man who sits and thinks, mostly sits. - Woodrow Wilson |
| All great truths begin as blasphemies. - George Bernard Shaw | Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? |
| 98% of the population is asleep. The other 2% are staring around in complete amazement, abject terror, or both. | The total sum of the world's IQ is constant. If the population is increasing, then intelligence is ... |
| People don't see the world as it is, but as they are. | Coarse and violent nudity. Occasional language |
| The NRA says, 'Guns don't kill people - people kill people.' Yeah, but I think the gun helps. You're not going to kill many people by standing around shouting 'bang!'. | |
| Grafiti: | |
| Please don't throw your butts in the urinal. It makes them soggy and hard to light. (written in bar bathroom in Memphis, TN) | Pull here for an Arts degree. (seen on toilet paper dispenser) |
| 'God, my hands are cold!' Scrawled at the top of a Superman poster, in a 'thought bubble' above his head. | Seen above a urinal in the men's room at ETSU: Anyone can pee on the floor. Be a hero: crap on the ceiling. |
| We aim to please, you aim too, please. (Wall in Penrith Petrol Station) | On a posted sign: Bill Stickers will be prosecuted! The graffiti next to it: Bill Stickers is innocent! |
| 'The painters work was all in vain, the out-house poet has struck again.' (seen on a newly painted out-house wall) | Do not eat large white mints (above a urinal) |
| Seen on a subway wall in New York: Life is one contradiction after another. Written below it: No it's not! | Breakfast in New York, Lunch in Paris, 'Baggage in Hong Kong.' (An actual bit of graffiti I saw on an American Airlines poster.) |
| Please do not complain about the coffee. You'll be old and weak someday, too! | Written on cubicle wall in two parts: What's worse, Ignorance or Apathy? I Don't know and I don't care! |
| (Left Wall) For toilet tennis, look right. (Right Wall) For toilet tennis, look left. | In case of emergency, pull handle. (written above a public toilet in New York City) |
| If Fifty Pound you can afford, then try your luck and pull this cord. If Fifty Pound you do not own, then leave the f**king thing alone. (Graffiti under emergency stop cord on London Underground Train) | Beware of limbo dancers! (written at bottom of bathroom stall door with arrow pointing down) |
| Definitons: | |
| Acting: The art of keeping the audience from coughing. | |
| Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. | |
| Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. | |
| Air bags: Inflation we can live with. | |
| Alarm clock: A device to wake people without small kids. | |
| Baby-sitter: A teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers. | |
| Bank: A place that will lend you money if you prove that you don't need it. | |
| Blotter: Something to look for while the ink dries. | |
| Camel: A horse designed by a committee. | |
| Classic: A book that everybody wants to have read, and nobody wants to read. | |
| Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener. | |
| Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. | |
| Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. | |
| Death: Life's way of saying: You can let go of your ankles now. | |
| Democracy: Three wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper. | |
| Diplomacy: The art of saying, "Nice doggie," until you can find a big enough rock. | |
| Engineer: A person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing. | |
| Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny. | |
| Fairy tales: Horror stories for children to get them used to reality. | |
| Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. | |
| Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. | |
| Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. | |
| Honest politician: One who, when bought, stays bought. | |
| Hospital: Where they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill. | |
| Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. | |
| Insane: When you're nuts and it bothers you. (Crazy is when you're nuts and you like it). | |
| Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. | |
| Lactomangulation: Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side. | |
| Mixed emotions: Watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your desk. | |
| Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers. | |
| Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. | |
| Politics: From the words 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks' as in 'small, blood-sucking parasites'. | |
| Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate bastards | |
| Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat. | |
| Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. | |
| Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. | |
| Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface. | |
| Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living crap out of some butthead who desperately needs it. | |
| Tact: The ability to tell someone to go to hell and have them look forward to the trip. | |
| Vinylocity: The strange atmospheric force that makes the shower curtain blow towards you while trying to shower. | |
| Vuja De: That feeling you've never been here before. | |
| Worry: The interest you pay on trouble before it comes. | |
| Hmmmm.... | |
| Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. | Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. But crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just crazy. |
| As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. | A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow |
| The future isn't what it used to be. | A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. |
| A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence. | Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish. |
| How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. | That place is so crowded, nobody goes there anymore. |
| Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live, taking the form of readiness to die. - G.K. Chesterton | A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. |
| Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. | Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. |
| Today is the tomorrow you were so worried about yesterday! | A self-addressed envelope would be addressed 'envelope'. |
| Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. | If an infinite number of rednecks in the back of an infinite number of pickup trucks shoot an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce a complete version of Hamlet in braille. |
| I started out with nothing... I still have most of it. | The more you cry, the less you have to pee. |
| A brave artist avails himself to both the darkness and the light. A brave artist swims in the same water in which the personality of the psychotic drowns. | Constant change is here to stay |
| If you owe the bank $ 100 and you don't have it, you have a problem. If you owe the bank $ 100,000,000.00 and you don't have it, the bank has a problem. | How to become immortal: Read this signature tomorrow and follow its advice. |
| 'It's bad luck to die on empty stomach.' G'kar, Babylon 5 | If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence 'If you can read this, you've just wasted your time on reading the sentence' - Twice! |
| Buy one for the price of two and get another one free! | 6 out of 5 people don't understand fractions. |
| A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast. | Long periods of drought are always followed by rain. |
| Don't trust reality. After all, it's only a collective hunch. | What if the Hokey-Pokey is really what it's all about? |