1. Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 20 degrees.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and rush to bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly figure in the mirror and stick out your stomach so that you can complain and whine even more about how fat you're getting.

4. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Wash your hair once more with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered and anyway the hair helps keep you warm.

11. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you get a rush of cold water.

12. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.

13. Dry with towel the size of small country.

14. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot.

15. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see your husband along the way, cover exposed flesh immediately, ignore his juvenile turban gags and rush to bedroom.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Turn on the water

2. Get in the shower

3. Use soap to wash your body and hair

4. Pee