We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Let's hear it for LINUX!
If you're into computers, you've GOT to see Peter Zale's "Helen, Sweetheart of the Internet" comic strip; if it's not in your paper, get his book, "Techies Unite!" - see ComicsPage and Helen.
See also my FUN,
LANGUAGE and CULTURE (so-called)
pages.
Computer buffs may wish to look at the Emergency Computer Back-Up System (ECBS) at the top of my home page or even the full explanation of ECBS and its ancillary device, BOOK, on my computer page at ECBS and BOOK.
Ecologie: comment recycler un PC
(Ecology: how to recycle a computer)
From la belle France, courtesy of ma soeur (my sister):
le Moniteur (the Monitor)
le Clavier (the Keyboard)
l'Unité Centrale (the CPU)
(images de P. Lenoble en France)
So, where are the Liberty Fries?
I'm quite capable of perpetrating some pretty bad ones all on my own.
For example, lo these many moons ago (perhaps ca. 1960), I was in charge of
specifying O-ring seals for an engineering firm; one of the synthetic rubbers from
which they are made is VITON, which comes in Grades A and B. You guessed it!
I put up a sign which read, "CHOOSE ONE FROM VITON A AND ONE FROM VITON B".
Or, there was the time I cut out a large red arrow from a magazine ad and stuck it on
the side of a file cabinet, up at the very top, pointing straight down.
At the bottom edge of the cabinet, directly under the arrow, I posted a microscopic
notice, turned upside-down, which read:
Then I watched sadistically as collegues looked around to be sure no one was
watching and stood on their heads, trying to read the little notice. No one ever
complained, but I watched my back.
Along those lines, there was the evening, many, many moons ago (ca. 1960?), when
my wife's cousin and I sauntered up to the Empire State Building, thinking to pull the
old staring upward gag on the touristi, and then, suddenly inspired, decided to have a
contest to see how far we could sway the building. We started
pushing as hard as we could, alternately, on the wall just to the left (south) of the
Fifth Avenue entrance, looking upwards periodically to check on our progress.
When we had a large crowd assembled, we "allowed" them to "help" sway the
building, explaining gravely about "harmonic vibrations" (as in pushing over goalposts),
and when some dozen or more were busily pushing away rhythmically, stepped back
to "check" on the result, melted silently into the watching throng, and ran like hell!
THE TEMPERATURE OF HEAVEN @
(courtesy of my younger daughter)
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority
is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and
the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus
Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in
addition 7*7 (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all.
The light we receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the
point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the
Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
temperature of the earth (300°K), gives H as 798°K (525°C). The exact
temperature of Hell cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says
"But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which burneth
with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its
temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6°C. We have, then,
that Heaven, at 525°C is hotter than Hell at 445°C.
Source: Applied Optics, 11, A14 (1972).
[OK, who knows how to put in a degree sign (o) in HTML?
I used " < b > < small > < sup > o < /sup > < /small > < /b > ".
What a pain that is (the first time, anyway - but it sure wastes site space)!
There are times when I exceed even my very own stupidity!
How about good old Alt 248 - "°"? Ayup! "°" (Alt 248) it is!
This is really rather funny; Alt 248 is NOT the degree sign, after all,
nor is Alt 167, "º"; use "& deg ;" ("°").
One can better use Alt 0176 ("°"): 167=º vs. 0176=° (aha; 167 is a superscript zero).
Speaking of "optics", applied or otherwise, have you seen the Bio-Optic
Organized Knowledge device, the Emergency Computer Back-Up
System, and the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunications
Language Stylii on my Computers
page (as noted above)?
HOW HOT IS IT IN HELL? @
(courtesy of my younger daughter)
A thermodynamics professor at Texas A&M University had written a take home exam
for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off
when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need
to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's
look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go
to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do
not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go
to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Lisa Banyan during
my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and
take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations
with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
@ - See "Beastly Numbers", on the FUN
page.
Take a look at my Pooh Page - it was a failed attempt to rescue the real Pooh and friends from Durance Vile! If you've read this page this far, you should enjoy the Pooh page.
JOKES {?}
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who
might have designed the human body. The first one said "It must have been a
mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff
- it must have been a mechanical engineer".
The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The
complex way the nerves are wired to the brain must have been designed by an
electrical engineer".
The third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a
waste water line through a recreational area?".
Things were getting really dull in Heaven; everyone was punching away at their
computers. So God announced a competition for whomever could write the
most elegant program. Soon, everyone was working away. It ended up
in a dead tie between the Buddha and Jesus. God said that wouldn't do, he
wanted a clear-cut victory, so he sent the Buddha and Jesus back to work.
Suddenly, just as they were finishing, a blast of lightning blew out both computers.
God told them to rewrite the programs, now; he wouldn't allow any excuses or brook
any more delay. The Buddha threw up his hands in dismay and said he couldn't
do it, he had to meditate. Jesus merely smiled and turned in his program.
That's because Jesus saves!
As long as I'm being a wee bit irreverent, how about this gem from my brother-in-law's nephew?
A man was talking with God and began to ask him several questions.
"How long is one second to you, Lord?" the man asked.
"A single second to me is like a million years to you," God replied.
"How much is a million dollars to you?" the man asked God.
The Lord replied, "A million dollars to me is like a single penny to you."
The man sat there for a while and finally asked the Lord, "May I have one of
your pennies?"
"Sure," the Lord replied, "Just a second."
These were sent to me just after New Year's day 2006 by a
computer-UNsavvy friend and are so old as to be scary but so hysterical that
I thought I'd post them here anyway:
(05 Jan 06)
Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
C: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
TS: Have you tried pushing the button?
C: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
TS: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
C: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
TS: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
C: Your left or my left?
TS: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
TS: Would you click on "start" for me and...
C: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!
C: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it
says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front
of the monitor,
but the computer still says he can't find it...
C: I have problems printing in red...
TS: Do you have a color printer?
C: Aaaah....................thank you.
TS: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
C: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me.
C: My keyboard is not working anymore.
TS: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
C: No. I can't get behind the computer.
TS: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
C: O.K.
TS: Did the keyboard come with you?
C: Yes.
TS: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
C: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
TS: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in
Victor, the number 7.
C: Is that 7 in capital letters?
C: I can't get on the Internet.
TS: Are you sure you used the right password?
C: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
TS: Can you tell me what the password was?
C: Five stars.
TS: What anti-virus program do you use?
C: Netscape.
TS: That's not an anti-virus program.
C: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
C: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer,
but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
TS: How may I help you?
C: I'm writing my first e-mail.
TS: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
C: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around
it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
TS: Are you running it under windows?
C: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
And last but not least...
TS: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
C: I don't have a P.
TS: On your keyboard, Bob.
C: What do you mean?
TS: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
C: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
'Nuf said?
For totally ludicrous railroad, business, and place names, see "BW RR, BUSINESS, and PLACE NAMES" on my Berlinerwerke Saga page, et seq.
Then, there'Z alwayZ the Z-scale (1:220) model RR EnZyclopedic Zictionary, et seq.!
For equally (or more so) incredible railroad equipment and yarns, see my Berlinerwerke Apocrypha page, and for even taller tales see my Berlinerwerke Guest Apocrypha page, and especially my own HO Biffie and its Biffisch car.
If you are air-minded (take that as you choose), you must see the Lion Air site! I'd be Lion if I didn't warn you to keep your tongue in your cheek on this one!
Fans of art must visit the Museum of Depressionist Art and the The Gallery of the Unidentifiable!
If you enjoy creative lunacy, visit the Pseudodictionary!
Cyclops automobili fans; see Cyclops on my Automotive page!
THUMBS UP!
THUMBS UP! - Support your local police, fire, and emergency personnel!
S. Berliner, III
To contact S. Berliner, III, please click here.
© Copyright S. Berliner, III - 1999,
2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005,
2006
- All rights reserved.
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