My Home Pages   Joke Main   For a subscription

 For September 8 & 9, 2007
------------------------------------------------------------
<>
If you want to subscribe or unsubscribe etc. easily, or see the Fair Use disclaimer, just see the "housekeeping" section at the bottom of this message before the sig.  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
THINGS YOU DON'T HEAR MUCH ANY MORE:
 
Be sure and refill the ice trays, we are going to have company after while.
 
Watch for the postman, I want to get this letter in the mail today.
 
Quit slamming that screen door!
 
Be sure to pull the windows down when you leave, it looks like it might shower -- and bring in the clothes on the line, too.
 
Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed.
 
Why can't you remember to roll up your pants legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up.
 
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there  is nothing left to put a patch on.
 
Don't you go outside with your good school clothes on!
 
Hang up your Sunday School clothes, you know you need to pass them down to your brother in good condition.
 
Go comb your hair. It looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
 
Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle. I need it for baking and Pa's coffee.
 
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one.
 
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won't get on it.
 
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don't quit!
 
Let me know when the Fuller Brush man comes by, I need to get a few things from him.You boys stay close by, the car may not start and I will need you to help push it off. There is a dollar in my purse, go by the service station and get five gallons of gas when you start to town.
 
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
 
You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise. Maybe you will learn to be more careful with your bicycle.
 
Don't sit to close to the TV it is hard on your eyes.
 
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
 
Don't lose that button, I will sew it back on after while.
 
Wash under your neck before you come to the table, you have beads of dirt and sweat all under there.
 
Get out from under that sewing machine, pumping it messes up the thread!
 
Do you want to go get me a switch?
 
Be sure and fill the lamps this morning so we don't have to do that tonight in the dark.
 
Here, take this old magazine to the outhouse (toilet) when you go, we are almost out of paper out there.
 
Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water for me to wash dishes in.
 
Don't turn the radio on now, I want the battery to be up when the Grand Ole Opry comes on.
 
No! I don't have five cents for you to go to the show, do you think money grows on trees?
 
Eat those vegetables; they will make you big and strong like your daddy.
 
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don't care how cold it is out there, dogs just don't come in the house.
 
Sit still! I am trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is getting botched up.
 
Hush your mouth! I don't want to hear words like that. I will wash your mouth out with soap again!
 
It is time for your system to be cleaned out, I'm going to give you a dose of Castor Oil in the morning.
 
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you will get another one when you get home.
 
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get hung that way!
 
Soak your foot in this pan of coal oil so that cut won't get infected.
 
When you take your driving test don't forget your hand signals each turn. Left arm straight out the window for a left turn, and left arm bent up to the sky at the elbow for a right turn and straight down to the side of the door when you are going to stop.
 
It is "Yes, sir!" and "No, sir" to me and your elders young man, and don't you forget it!
 
While we are at Aunt Mary's and Uncle John's you kids eat when the adults get though and I don't want to hear "I don't like this stuff". You better keep your mouth shut and eat everything on your plate.
 
Well, that ought to keep us remembering some of the finer things of the past, some good and some not so good, and young man if I hear you repeat one word of this I will beat the daylights out of you, do you understand that.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------
Study Findings
 
A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, Has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
------------------------------------------------------
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING OLDER
 
* You got cable for the Weather Channel
 
* If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
 
* When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and you can't get it back around.
 
* Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
 
* Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
 
* You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
 
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
 
* You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to some- one's lawn.
 
* Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
 
* Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A repeat, from Brother Shane
 
Subject:  Evolution of Math (THIS IS SO TRUE!)
 
 
 
Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.
 
The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.
 
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
 
Why do I tell you this?
 
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
 
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
Teaching Math In 1950
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
 
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
 
Teaching Math In 1960
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
 
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
 
Teaching Math In 1970
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
 
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
 
Teaching Math In 1980
 
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
 
Teaching Math In 1990
 
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)
 
============ ========= ========= ========= ====
 
Teaching Math In 2007
 
Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera para $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?
 
(My spell check didn't like any of this 2007 Math)
----------------------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------
From Kitcajun
 
Pinewood Derby
My son, Gilbert, was eight years old and had been in Cub Scouts only a short time. During one of his meetings, he was handed a sheet of paper, a block of wood, four tires and was told to return home and give it all to "dad."
That was not an easy task for Gilbert to do. Dad was not receptive to doing things with his son. But Gilbert tried. Dad read the paper and scoffed at the idea of making a pinewood derby car with his young eager son. The block of wood remained untouched as the weeks passed. Finally, mom stepped in to see if she could figure this all out. The project began.
Having no carpentry skills, I decided it would be best if I simply read the directions and let Gilbert do the work. And he did. I read aloud the measurements, the rules of what we could do and what we couldn't do. Within days, his block of wood was turning into a pinewood derby car. A little lopsided, but looking great (at least through the eyes of mom). Gilbert had not seen any of the other kids' cars and was feeling pretty proud of his "Blue Lightning." The kind of pride that comes with knowing you did something on your own.
Then the big night came. With his blue pinewood derby car in his hand and pride in his heart, we headed to the big race. Once there, my little one's pride turned to humility. Gilbert's car was obviously the only car made entirely on his own. All the other cars were a father-son partnership, with cool paint jobs and sleek body styles made for speed.
A few of the boys giggled as they looked at Gilbert's lopsided, wobbly, unattractive vehicle. To add to the humility, Gilbert was the only boy without a man at his side. A couple of the boys who were from single parent homes at least had an uncle or grandfather by their side, but Gilbert had "mom."
As the race began, it was done in elimination fashion. You kept racing as long as you were the winner. One by one, the cars raced down the finely sanded ramp. Finally, it was between Gilbert and the sleekest, fastest looking car there. As the last race was about to begin, my wide eyed, shy eight-year- old asked if they could stop the race for a minute, because he wanted to pray. The race stopped.
Gilbert went to his knees, clutching his funny looking block of wood between his hands. With a wrinkled brow, he set to converse with his Father. He prayed in earnest for a very long minute and a half. Then he stood, smile on his face and announced, "Okay, I am ready."
As the crowd cheered, a boy named Tommy stood with his father as their car sped down the ramp. Gilbert stood with his Father within his heart and watched his block of wood wobble down the ramp with surprisingly great speed and rushed over the finish line a fraction of a second before Tommy's car. Gilbert leaped into the air with a loud "Thank You" as the crowd roared in approval.
The Scout Master came up to Gilbert with microphone in hand and asked the obvious question, "So, you prayed to win, huh, Gilbert?"
To which my young son answered, "Oh, no sir. That wouldn't be fair to ask God to help you beat someone else. I just asked Him to make it so I wouldn't cry when I lost."
--Unknown
----------------------------------------------------
"There's a taxi strike in New York City. Here the issue: The taxi drivers are refusing to use new technology. Deodorant."
- David Letterman
------------------------------------------------
"Sen. Larry Craig is now rethinking his decision to resign. He says he's going to talk it over with his wife and the guy in stall No. 3."
- Conan O'Brien
 
 
--------------------------------------------------------------
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
-----------------------------------------------
Housekeeping:

While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all,  is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:

*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]

Group addresses:
 
Subscribe
Unsubscribe
List Owner
-------------------------------------------------------
"The difference between salad and garbage is timing."
-- Dan Kennedy

Home is where the grab bars are.