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1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
Hardy: Aye, aye, sir.
Nelson: Hold on, that's not what I
dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Hardy: Sorry, sir?
Nelson: (reading aloud): '
Hardy: Admiralty policy, I'm
afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the
devil's own job getting '
Nelson: Gadzooks, Hardy! Hand me my
pipe and tobacco.
Hardy: Sorry, sir. All naval
vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
Nelson: In that case, break open
the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before
battle.
Hardy: The rum ration has been
abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge
drinking.
Nelson: Good heavens, Hardy.
I suppose we'd better get on with it... Full speed ahead.
Hardy: I think you'll find that
there's a four knot speed limit in this stretch of water.
Nelson: Damn it, man! We are on the
eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all
dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.
Hardy: That won't be possible, sir.
Nelson: What?
Hardy: Health and Safety have
closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said the rope ladder
doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper
scaffolding can be erected.
Nelson: Then get me the ship's
carpenter without delay, Hardy.
Hardy: He's busy knocking up a
wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral.
Nelson: Wheelchair access? I've
never heard anything so absurd.
Hardy: Health and Safety again,
sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently
abled.
Nelson: Differently abled? I've
only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the
word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the
disability card.
Hardy: Actually, sir, you did. The
Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and
limb deficiency.
Nelson: Whatever next? Give me full
sail. The salt spray beckons.
Hardy: A couple of problems there
too, sir. Health and Safety won't let the crew up the rigging without
hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt -
haven't you seen the adverts?
Nelson: I've never heard such
infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the
enemy.
Hardy: The men are a bit worried
about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
Nelson: What? This is mutiny.
Hardy: It's not that, sir.
It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they
actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board,
watching everyone like hawks.
Nelson: Then how are we to sink the
Frenchies and the Spanish?
Hardy: Actually, sir, we're not.
Nelson: We're not?
Hardy: No, sir. The Frenchies and
the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common
Fisheries Policy we shouldn't even be in this stretch of
water We could get hit with a claim for compensation
Nelson: But you must hate a
Frenchman as you hate the devil.
Hardy: ! wouldn't let the ship's
diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that, sir You'll be up on
disciplinary.
Nelson: You must consider every man
an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.
Hardy: Not any more, sir. We must
be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest;
it's the rules. It could save your life.
Nelson: Don't tell me - health and
safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
Hardy: As ! explained, sir, rum is
off the menu! And there's a ban on corpora! punishment.
Nelson: What about sodomy?
Hardy: l believe that's now legal,
sir.
Nelson: in that case... kiss me, Hardy!
- George Orwell
Tide
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists :
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .
--
A Pot of Lips Now
--
American Pot Pie
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Babette Feast
--
Basting Amy
--
Beverly Sills Chop
--
Bite Club
--
Bob & Carol & Bread & Salad
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Citizen Cake
--
Eat Joe Blackened
--
Eating John Malkovich
--
Forrest Gumbo
--
Greasy Rider
--
How Stella Got Her Groove Baked
--
Meat: The Parents
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The Compote Wore Tennis Shoes
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The Lord and the Fries
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The Manchurian (with) Candied Dates
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White Meat Can't Jump
--
Who's Eating Gilbert Grape?
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A Few Delicious Men
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A Man For All Seasonings
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Adam's Rib, and a Thigh
--
Basting John Malkovich
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Bring Me The Head Of Alfredo Garcia, And My Wife Will Have His Liver
--
Bring Up Baby from the Smokehouse
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Buns of Navarone
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Carving Miss Daisy
--
Chow These Angels
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Deep-Fried Throat
--
Four Weddings, a Funeral and a Doggie Bag
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Gone in My Wind
--
Goya in Bordeaux, Mushrooms and Cream Sauce
--
Guess Who's Becoming Dinner?
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Her Left Foot
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Honey, I Sauteed the Kids
--
Hurl The Conquering Hero
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La Dolce Meata
--
Like Walter for Chocolate
--
Masticating Rita
--
Meal of Screams
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Peter in the Pan
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Prete A Manger
--
Sauce, Knives and Videotape
--
Soylents of the Lambs
--
The Big Chili
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The Brady Munch
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The Nutty, Honey-Glazed Professor (With A Delicate Sherry Sauce)
--
The Right Stuffing
--
The Tasty Mr. Ripley
--
Three Men and a Baby... With Fava Beans
--
When Harry Et Sally
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With Six You Get Leggroll
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16> My Dinner Was Andre
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15> Schindler's Wrist
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14> Braised Heart
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13> Cruel Intestines
--
12> My Best Friend's Basting
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11> He Got Gamey
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10> Eat the Parents
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9> My Rare Lady
--
8> Priscilla, Queen of the Dessert
--
7> Chuck Soup
--
6> Dismember The Titans
--
5> It's the Donner Party, Charlie Brown!
--
4> Men in Black Bean Sauce
--
3> GladHeAteHer
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2> A Liver Runs Through It
--
and TopFive's Number 1 Favorite Movie of Cannibals...
--
1> Savoring Private Ryan
--
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
[Ref. Fair Use ]
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"Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied."
-- Otto Von Bismark
Home is where the grab bars are.