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Not funny, but interesting I thought. Video:
Hizb ut-Tahrir Leader Defects
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OUTSOURCING
JOBS REACHES NEW HEIGHTS
Washington
DC - Congress today announced that the Office of President of the
United States will be outsourced to overseas interests as
of September 30th, the end of this fiscal year. The move is
being made to save $400K a year in salary, a record $521 Billion in
deficit expenditures and related overhead.
"The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith (D- Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General AccountingOffice) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world stage", Congressman Smith said.
"The cost savings will be quite significant" says Congressman Adam Smith (D- Wash) who, with the aid of the GAO (the General AccountingOffice) has studied outsourcing of American jobs extensively. "We simply can no longer afford this level of outlay and remain competitive in the world stage", Congressman Smith said.
Mr.
Bush was informed by email this morning of the termination of his
position. He will receive health coverage, expenses and salary until
his final day of employment. After that, with a two week waiting
period, he will! then be eligible for $240 dollars a week from
unemployment insurance for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be able
to receive state Medicaid health insurance coverage as his unemployment
benefits are over the required limit.
Preparations
have been underway for some time for the job move. Sanji Gurvinder
Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will be assuming the Office
of President of the United States as of October 1. Mr. Singh was
born in the United States while his parents were here on student visas,
thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of
$320 (USD) a month but with no health coverage or other benefits. Due
to the time difference between the US and India, Mr. Singh will
be working primarily at night, when offices of the US Government will
be open.
"I am
excited to serve in this position," Mr. Singh stated in an exclusive
interview. "Working nights will let me keep my day job at the
American Express call center. I always knew I could be President
someday."
Congress
stressed patience when calling Mr. Singh as he may not be fully aware
of all the issues involved with his new position. A Congressional
Spokesperson noted that Mr. Singh has been given a script tree to
follow which will allow him to respond to most topics of concern The
Spokesperson further noted that "additional savings will be realized as
these scripting tools have been successfully used by Mr. Bush and will
enable Mr. Singh to provide an answer without having to fully
understand the issue itself."
Mr.
Bush has been offered the use of a Congressional Page to help him write
a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.
According to Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position as job prospects in the Sports Franchise Ownership arena remain limited. A recently released report from the Pentagon suggests a good prospect for him as a newly unemployed!
person may be in the Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his unit and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq and the conditions there," stated Mr. Bush. He gained invaluable knowledge of the country in his first visit at the Baghdad Airport non-smoking terminal and gift shop.
According to Manpower, Inc., the placement firm, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position as job prospects in the Sports Franchise Ownership arena remain limited. A recently released report from the Pentagon suggests a good prospect for him as a newly unemployed!
person may be in the Army National Guard. There he would be called up with his unit and stationed in Iraq, a country he has visited briefly before.
"I've been there, I know all about Iraq and the conditions there," stated Mr. Bush. He gained invaluable knowledge of the country in his first visit at the Baghdad Airport non-smoking terminal and gift shop.
Meanwhile
in Baghdad and Falluja, Iraq, sources report that local Iraqis say Mr.
Bush would receive an especially warm reception from them. Such sources
stated the Iraqis only request would be to be informed of which convoy
he would be riding in order to give him the welcome he deserves.
Congress
continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of
Vice-president and most Cabinet positions.
---------------------------------------------------
Benifits
of ageing A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is
it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so,"
the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior
lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my
condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
-----------------------------------------
Geriatric humor
-----------------------------------------
Geriatric humor
An
older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and
he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As
he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes,
Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just
remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your
mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
-----------------------------------------
Aging:
-----------------------------------------
Aging:
Eventually
you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it.
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
----
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
----
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
---
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---
You know you are gettin g old when everything either dries up or leaks.
--
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
---
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
---
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
---
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
---
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
---
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf
---------------------------------------------------
A WELL PLANNED LIFE???? ]
------------------------------------------
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
----
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
----
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
---
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
---
You know you are gettin g old when everything either dries up or leaks.
--
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
---
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
---
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
---
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
---
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
---
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf
---------------------------------------------------
A WELL PLANNED LIFE???? ]
Two
women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One
asked the other, "You were always so organized in school, Did you
manage to live a well planned life? " " Yes," said her friend. "My
first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an
actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an
undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with
a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to
get ready, and four to go."
-------------------------------------------------------
25 Rules to Live By
1. If you're too open-minded,
your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what
people think. They don't do it very often.
3. Going to a church doesn't
make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It isn't the jeans that make
your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is
no match for natural stupidity.
6. My idea of housework is to
sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence
supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get
forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is
an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport
picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at
twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when
all your other parts feel good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die
anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip
around the sun.)
14. Men are from earth. Women
are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while
doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in
each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of
the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger
going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for
years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile
than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful
thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it,
again.
22. By the time you can make the ends
meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy
refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically
provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. If you must choose between two
evils, chose the one that you've never tried before.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream
~*~Edgar Allan Poe~*~
-------------------------------------------------------
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream
~*~Edgar Allan Poe~*~
-------------------------------------------------------
Cooking
Dictionary
Yogurt:
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented
milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as
they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe:
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you
forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't
eat.
Porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were
granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of
the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a
dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as
well as when it is removed.
Oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and
poultry.
Microwave
Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to
locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking
compartment.
Calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average
individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
------------------------------------------------------------------
After
their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor,"
the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because
my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense,"
the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have Black hair,
one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It
isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both
sides had jet-black hair for generations."
"Well,"
said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The
man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've
been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or
twice every few months"
"Well,...............
there you have it then!" the doctor said confidently.
"It's rust".
-------------------------------------------------------
A
man was getting his hair cut at a barber shop, and asked the barber
when would be the best time to bring in his two-year-old son.
Without
hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
-------------------------------------------------------------
WOMEN
PROFESSIONS
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.
As one of relatively few female airline pilots, I've often been mistaken for a flight attendant, ticket agent or even a snack-bar employee. Occasionally people will see me in uniform and ask if I'm a "real" pilot. Still others congratulate me for making it in a male-dominated field.
One
day, I was in the restroom before a flight. I was at the sink,
brushing my teeth, when a woman walked through the door and looked over
at me. "My sister would be so proud of you!" she remarked.
I
figured her sister must be in the airline business, so I smiled and
asked why.
Replied
the woman, "She's a dentist."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
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The
Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
Being
an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours.
However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed
that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to
present...
The Top 50 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
1)
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not
face-concealing ones.
2) My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3) My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4) Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5) The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6) I will not gloat over my enemy's predicament before killing them.
7) When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8) After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9) I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
10) Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
11) I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
12) I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
13) One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
14) All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
15) The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
16) The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
17) I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
18) I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
19) When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
20) I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
21) I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
22) Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
23) I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
24) No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
25) I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
26) I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
27) No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
28) No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
29) I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
30) My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
31) I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
32) All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foe will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
33) All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
34) I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
35) I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
36) I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
37) I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
38) I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
39) If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
40) If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
41) I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
42) Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
43) When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
44) I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
45) I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
46) I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47) If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48) I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49) If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50) My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh, Powerbooks or any form of Linux/Unix.
2) My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3) My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4) Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5) The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6) I will not gloat over my enemy's predicament before killing them.
7) When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8) After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9) I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.
10) Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
11) I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
12) I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
13) One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
14) All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff.
15) The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
16) The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
17) I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
18) I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
19) When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
20) I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
21) I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
22) Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
23) I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
24) No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
25) I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
26) I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!"
(After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
27) No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
28) No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
29) I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
30) My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
31) I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
32) All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foe will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
33) All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
34) I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
35) I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
36) I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
37) I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
38) I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
39) If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
40) If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
41) I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super weapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
42) Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
43) When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
44) I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
45) I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
46) I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47) If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
48) I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49) If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
50) My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh, Powerbooks or any form of Linux/Unix.
-----------------------------------------------------------
They say
teaching Sex Education in the public schools will promote promiscuity.
With our educational system???
If we promote promiscuity the same way
we promote math or science, they've got nothing to worry about.
----------------------------------------------
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many How To books on the subject?
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many How To books on the subject?
---------------------------------------------------------
FBI
Dog
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep says, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb.
A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep says, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What the hell is going on with this stupid dog?"
The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb.
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
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"Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied."
-- Otto Von Bismark
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