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Today is Monday September 10, the 253rd
day of 2007. There are 112 to
go. The Sun is at 17 Virgo The moon is waning-new.
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YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN
* You can entertain yourself for more
than an hour with a flyswatter.
* Your property has been mistaken for
a recycling center.
* Your boat has not left the driveway
in 15 years.
* You burn your yard rather than mow
it.
* The Salvation Army declines your
mattress.
* You offer to give someone the shirt
off your back and they don't want it.
* You have the local taxidermist on
speed dial.
* You come back from the dump with
more than you took.
* You think a subdivision is part of a
math problem.
* You think a hot tub is a stolen
indoor plumbing fixture.
* You took a fishing pole to Sea
World.
* Your house doesn't have curtains but
your truck does.
* Your richest relative buys a new
house and calls you up to help him take the wheels off.
* You thought the Unabomber was a
wrestler.
* You have a complete set of salad
bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
* Your working TV sits on top of your
non-working TV.
* You think fast food is hitting a
deer at 65mph.
* You've ever stared at a can of
orange juice because it said concentrate.
* You think a quarter horse is that
ride in front of K-Mart.
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THIS is TRUE: 26 August
2007 Copyright http://www.thisistrue.com
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STRIKE ONE: Jeff Goza, 37, was driving his pest control truck in Gurnee, Ill., when he accidentally cut off another driver behind the wheel of a Volvo. The Volvo driver was clearly angry, he said, and started to "aggressively" follow him until deciding to get back at him by cutting him off too. But the Volvo driver lost control and hit the curb, which caused him to flip at least four times before coming to a stop on its roof. But he wasn't done yet: the bloodied man crawled out and tried to pick a fight with Goza, who had stopped to render aid. Goza is at least five inches taller than the Volvo driver, and outweighed him by about
100 pounds, so he let the guy take out his frustration. "I wasn't going to hit him back," he said. "I was just afraid that I was going to be implemented in all of this." Police let Goza go, but charged the Volvo driver, Steven Stankovitch, 47, with reckless driving and battery.
(Lake County News-Sun) ...It may sound impressive, but after all, Goza is a pest-control professional.
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STRIKE ONE: Jeff Goza, 37, was driving his pest control truck in Gurnee, Ill., when he accidentally cut off another driver behind the wheel of a Volvo. The Volvo driver was clearly angry, he said, and started to "aggressively" follow him until deciding to get back at him by cutting him off too. But the Volvo driver lost control and hit the curb, which caused him to flip at least four times before coming to a stop on its roof. But he wasn't done yet: the bloodied man crawled out and tried to pick a fight with Goza, who had stopped to render aid. Goza is at least five inches taller than the Volvo driver, and outweighed him by about
100 pounds, so he let the guy take out his frustration. "I wasn't going to hit him back," he said. "I was just afraid that I was going to be implemented in all of this." Police let Goza go, but charged the Volvo driver, Steven Stankovitch, 47, with reckless driving and battery.
(Lake County News-Sun) ...It may sound impressive, but after all, Goza is a pest-control professional.
STRIKE TWO: Bryan Hilferty of
Alexandria, Va., was the umpire for his son's Little League game, but
wasn't sure how to call a play. He asked to see the league's official
rule book, but no one had a copy. In fact, he couldn't find one
available on the league's web site, either, so he called headquarters.
He was told that not "just anyone" could get the rules, since the
league was tired of being sued by players' parents. "I have a secret
clearance," said Hilferty, a Lt. Colonel in the U.S. Air Force. "I work
in the E-ring of the Pentagon, but I don't have clearance for the
Little League rules." Little League officials were not moved. "There is
no way we can give special treatment to someone just because they are
in the Pentagon," sniffed spokesman Lance Van Auken. "We don't give
preferential treatment. Everybody has to abide by the same rules."
(Washington Post) ...Though naturally, no one is allowed to see what
they are.
STRIKE THREE: After miserably failing
an audit of employee computer security measures in 2005 [This is True,
10 April 2005], the Internal Revenue Service has again tested to see if
it was easy to anonymously call tax agency employees to talk them out
of their computer passwords. In 2005, 35 percent gave up their
passwords; in the more recent test,
61 percent did so, says the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration -- nearly back to the 71 percent level of the 2001 audit. "This is especially disturbing because the IRS has taken many steps to raise employee awareness of the importance of protecting their computers and passwords," said Inspector General J. Russell George. The audit report says that the lax password security allows the caller to access taxpayer records. (AP) ...Fortunately, little truthful information is at risk.
61 percent did so, says the Treasury Inspector General for Tax Administration -- nearly back to the 71 percent level of the 2001 audit. "This is especially disturbing because the IRS has taken many steps to raise employee awareness of the importance of protecting their computers and passwords," said Inspector General J. Russell George. The audit report says that the lax password security allows the caller to access taxpayer records. (AP) ...Fortunately, little truthful information is at risk.
BOY, YOU MAKE ONE LITTLE MISTAKE: "It
shows that their system has huge flaws that have to be fixed," grumped
Greg Henry of Calgary, Alta., Canada. The man had put his 7-year-old
son on a WestJet flight to Vancouver Island, B.C., to visit his
grandmother, but the airline lost the boy, despite a special tag
hanging around his neck declaring him an unaccompanied minor. The
airline's policies require a flight attendant to escort such passengers
off the plane. "We realize how important our children are," said a
WestJet spokeswoman, who promised the airline would "take steps to
address the issue." (Calgary Sun) ...But hey: at least the kid's
suitcase got there OK.
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From
Sir Larry of the Bugs
Garfield on the oil crisis
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical .
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington , DC !!!
Any Questions ???
A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical .
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington , DC !!!
Any Questions ???
NO? I didn't Think So.
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Not Politically Correct (like I
care), but true .....
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Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her
late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the
preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The
doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of
complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you
have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to
live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him
straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
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The businessman dragged himself
home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right
there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look
tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to
make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband
said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own
thinking."
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A good piece of chocolate has
about 200 calories. As I enjoy two servings per night, and a few more
on weekends, I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which
equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore...
In the last 3 1/2 years, I have
had a chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds. I weigh only 165
pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about
three months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
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I dialed a number and got the
following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
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Aspire to inspire before you
expire.
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My wife and I had words,
but I didn't get to use mine.
but I didn't get to use mine.
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Frustration is trying to find
your glasses without your glasses.
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Blessed are those who can give
without remembering And take without forgetting.
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God made man before woman so as
to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
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I was always taught to respect my
elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
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"With hurricanes, tornadoes,
fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms
tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of
bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
- Jay Leno
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16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 60
YEARS TO LEARN:
1. Never, under any
circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one
word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will
achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line
between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their
religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with
them.
5. You should not confuse your
career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't
dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in
the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody
who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
savings time.
10. You should never say anything
to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you
should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your
birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all
human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or
ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we
are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you,
but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
Pay attention. It never fails.)
14.Your friends love you anyway.
15.Never be afraid to try
something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large
group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Final thought for the day:
Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the
women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.
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OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
OK, move along, that's all there is, move along please ....
Housekeeping:
While I write some of what appears in my newsletters, mostly it is stuff that's merely passed on, often without attribution. If at all possible, attribution is given, and any copyright notice, if copyrighted material is used at all, is ALWAYS included. Written permission(s) (email-I can't handwrite) are sought where practicable. If you see anything at all that shouldn't be there, should be differently attributed, or is objectionable in any way, please let me know by simply writing to me . In no event is any income derived, and so the following notice is included:
*COPYRIGHT NOTICE** In accordance with Title 17 U. S. C. Section 107, any copyrighted work in this message is distributed under fair use without profit or payment..
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"The difference between salad and garbage is timing."
-- Dan Kennedy
Home is where the grab bars are.